Hooten & the Lady (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Moscow - full transcript

Alex goes to Moscow to aid Hooten in his search for a lost Fabergé egg and confronts her arch-enemy from University, who now works for a black market collector. Hooten meets his master thief mentor who sends the pair on a perilous journey.

Going somewhere?

- Hercules.
- Ulysses, you terrible man.

Why have they got me
tailing you all over Moscow?

I found it.

- No you didn't.
- My life's work.

I told you I'd find it,

and I have.

But no one believes it exists.

It's not a myth, Ulysses.

It just goes to show you,
you should never, ever, give up.

You've seen it?

Fifty-first Imperial Easter Egg,
Broken Heart.

It's the real thing,
intact, perfect.

As if it comes straight from
Carl Fabergé hands

into mine.

Where is it?

I have a contact.

Of course you do.

Who is he?

You only find out the name,
when you give me a buyer.

And if you can't find a buyer
for Broken Heart,

you're not the man
I think you are.

All right.

I can find a buyer.

You trust them, they're safe?

Yeah, I do trust them.

They're safe.

It's going to take me a few days.

I can wait,
since it's you.

This is where I'm staying.

And I've book you a room

at the Nijinsky Hotel

just outside Moscow.

Once you have the buyer in place,


and only you,

come and get me.

I was very sorry when I heard.

I liked her, beautiful woman,
gentle, kind soul.

And your little boy too.
My God.

It was him, wasn't it?

He killed them both.

He found us.

I wasn't careful enough.

He's dead now, my friend.

Time to stop torturing yourself.

Excuse me, sir.

This just came through.

I think you'll be pleased.


The fifty-first
Imperial Easter Egg,

The Broken Heart.

It was him, wasn't it,

he killed them both.

He killed them both.

He killed them both.

He's dead now, my friend.

Okay, so just get in and out,
as quickly as possible. Okay?




Who's this?

Heard so much about you.

I've heard nothing about you.

She makes notes for all my
ideas and everything I say.

So that nothing important
gets forgotten.

It's quite marvelous actually. I can't
think why I didn't get one before.

Roses, roses, everywhere.

Of the palest pink to match the
bridesmaids dresses.

I'm not really that keen on pink,
for roses or for bridemaids.

I mean, that's not
what we wan...

And a chamber orchestra playing
Mozart and Bach.

No, we'd like a DJ.

Alex, I have a complete vision of what this
day is going to be, please don't interrupt.

It's our wedding.

Then let's discuss it.

I think it all sounds brilliant.
I love it. It's great.

You see? Overruled.

I'm just agreeing so that
we can get out of here.

Alex, it's me.
You need to get to Moscow. Now!

- I'm...
- No buts,

Hotel Nijinsky,
just outside the city.

In *Fino Raddibo.

- What's going on?
- I'm not going to say on the phone

but Alex, it's major.

So don't dick around.
Get here.

Um... I'm so, so sorry. It's um...

high priority, extremely urgent.
I've got to

go, for museum...

I'm so sorry.

Run, fly, save yourself.


Hooten knows what he's doing,

so he's always telling me.

Whatever's in Moscow is
really important.

All right, I'll let Clive know.
And bring me back a Russian doll?

Shut up!

Sorry, excuse me.


I don't need to check in. I just need
the room of one of your guests,

an American.

Here, let me.


You were in the bar.

If you wanted to make friends,
all you had to do is ask.

You will be making friends,

friends with pain.

Did that sound better
in your head?

Has Mr. Hooten told you
what we need to know?

I don't care.

I don't want to know.


Mother Russia.

Whoa! Hello.

Where is Hercules, Hooten?

We know he has the Fabergé Egg.

Tell us where he is.

Make it...
easy on yourself.

Okay, okay, okay, fine.

You think I was getting
that ice for myself?

Do I look like the kind of
guy who puts ice in his drink?

It was for him.
He's in my room.

Eating my pretzels,
raiding my mini bar.

How's that for easy on myself?

You want to untie me?


You took your time.

Admit it you're rather
impressed I tracked you down.

I mean. I came back to save you

because they were definitely going to
come back and do horrible things to you.

Or at least Valaria was.


The one with the hair.

A friend of yours.

No. She's not a friend.

We studied Ancient History
at Uni together.

She calls herself an archeologist,
but she deals in stolen artifacts.

Is this really all you've got?


It was a short trip. I just brought spare
knickers and socks, toothbrush, pajamas.

It was a present from Ed,
it's really warm.

Look, can I turn around now. Don't even
know why I'm not looking, I've already

seen... all of it.

Pretty intimidating I know.
All right, let's go.


They are... snug, aren't they.

Prancer and Dixon
are being squished, yeah.

We'll not speak of this ever again.

Absolutely, of course,

just... maybe sometimes.

Probably quite often.

Quite. Where we going?


All right.

It's stuck.


What is it then?
Is this something major?

It's the Broken Heart.

The fifty-first Fabergé egg.

Pretty cool?

My God, its...

It exists.

Well no wonder Valeria's
after it but

I thought you were smart.

I am.

Hooten it's fake.

Look if Hercules says it's
the real thing, it's the real thing.

Who's Hercules?

Hercules Ruden.

Russian friend and an old thief.

The finest of thieves.

Taught me everything.

Well he's not taught you
not to get scammed.

It's no scam.


Your friend, Hercules, the thief,

tells you about the
Broken Heart but

you end up kidnapped and
he doesn't.

There's no way those meatheads
would ever find Hercules.

This is a setup, it's a hoax.

He didn't set me up
cause he's a friend.

I had no idea you were
such a romatic, Hooten.

You purport to be such a cynic

and here you are believing
in the most ridiculous myth.

It's not a myth.

Okay, all right, let's use some
evidence and analysis shall we?

It's the Russian Revolution.

The Romanov’s are taken hostage.
They are assassinated.

Carl Fabergé, tainted by his
association, as family jeweler, flees,

and he goes into exile.
His whole workshop

and everything in it is smashed
into smithereens.

Everything but the Broken Heart.

Room service Mr. Hooten.

The lying bastard.

We go back to the American.

Everybody searched for it, Hooten,
and no one found it.

That's why there are only fifty Imperial
Easter Eggs, there is no fifty-first.

It's intact and it has
the surprise in it.

Is it chocolate button.

It's the sanguinary.

What. Filled with Romanov blood?
Come on, Hooten.

Have you even thought about
how much this could be worth?

Yes, zero, diddly-squat, Hooten.

Go.. I've got so much on
my plate at the moment

with this wedding and I drop
everything for some...

"Made in Taiwan" knockoff.

Sounds like a perfect excuse to me.

What does that mean?

It means, sweetheart,

that even though you keep going
on and on about this wedding

that you are having 30 damn
bridesmaids at because

you don't want to hurt
anybodys feelings.

And then you're so excited about
preparing the menu for guests

who are gluten intolerant or lactose
intolerant or probably just

really intolerant. You find
any excuse to run away.

No I don't.

You'd have dropped everything for
a $10.00 snow globe because the

because the truth is...
you don't really want to get married.

But yo... you're so far into it
you little people pleaser

that you haven't got the
guts to say, "Stop!"

So you run.

Hello Ella.

Where's my daughter?

Don't bother dear.
Is she with that man?

What man?

That man!


Your not very good at this,
are you dear?

Look, they just work together.

Well we'll see about that.

Got a little froth on the mouth.


Well I think that the
best thing to do now

- is for us to just...
Go our separate ways, I understand.

*Whether it worked out well.

I will drop you at the closest
train station to Vladivostok.

Listen. I appreciate your English good
manners but right now

put your foot down.

Go faster!

This is as fast as it goes.

They are going to run
us off the road.

She wouldn't dare.
You wouldn't dare, Valeria!

Lady Alexandra.

She did!

What are you doing?

You were saying?



Lady Alexandra Lindo-Parker.

Come out.

Come out, wherever you are.

You can't get away.

So why don't you
save us all the energy?

Come out.

Maybe I'll be kind.

Maybe not.



But we're...
we're just...

I under...

I understand, sir.

Sir no longer requires the address.

I'm going back to the hotel.
See if we missed anything. You...

stay here. Find them.

You can kill her.

But the American is wanted alive.

You! Come here, now!

Pull this branch,
then let it go.

When he comes pull this branch back,
and then let it go!

I'll go around that way.

What the...
what are you doing?


Reckon the antlers.

Tell you what.
This is just... this is just horrible.

Where's your dignity?

Tell me, how can you have pride
in yourself as a man?

You took my clothes, asshole.

What do you want me to do?

You know what?

I'm going to crisp you up
like Bambi bacon.

Where is the Egg?


I'm Rudolph.

I have the red nose.
I'm Rudolph, you moron.


That was actually quite impressive.

Well actually I just
imagined it was you.

Look, you can drop me wherever you want,

- it's fine.
- Not a chance!

I'm coming with you.

I'm going to meet Hercules Ruden, and
I'm going to look at this Broken Heart.

Just to prove that I am right,
and you are wrong.

About what?

Everything, Hooten.

I'm very much looking forward
to my wedding. I couldn't be happier.

The Broken Heart is a fake.
And you are wrong.

About absolutely everything.

So has your friend actually seen
this so called Fabergé egg?

He has a contact.

Of course he does.

Just give me five minutes.
I need to talk to him first.

If I don't come back, go to
236 Nicholas *Kaya.

- You mean *Noak. Why don't I help you.
- Five minutes.

You're just going to leave me here?

Why protest?


Get *Jason

You must protect


It was him.

He killed them both.

He found us.

I wasn't careful enough.

He's dead now, my friend.

Time to stop torturing yourself.

I'd like this one.

Oops. Sorry.


Come on. I got a name.
We're going back to Hotel Nijinsky.

- Can't I meet your friend?
- No.


Keep walking, Alex.

- Ubor Shitza, that's the name?
- Yeah.

- What does he look like?
- I don't know.

He told you the name, but not
what he looks like. Why not just ask him?

This friend of yours...

- It's not my friend.
- Who does she work for?

Pff, I don't know.

I'm not gonna ask her,
she certainly wouldn't tell me.

- Well, she's in over her head.
- What is wrong with you?

Ubor Shitza.

Ubor Shitza?

I don't think the general
would apreciate wedding crashers,

so let's stay under the radar.

I've seen that
cleaning lady before.

Excuse me.

Sorry, um...

Do you remember me?
I helped you with your trolley?

Just one second.


We wanna go up there and drink
some of their champagne.

But look at us.

We look like... shit.

All this for a bit of plastic.

Aren't you going to look silly.

You can call this off
any time you want.

I'm done doing
the real/fake argument with you.

You wanna leave, Alex?

Then leave.

Well, I hope
you're gonna enjoy London and

everything she has to offer. I...

Lady Tabitha.

Clive... I have a tinsy problem.

And you're going to help me with it.

How are we
supposed to find this

man, we don't even know
how he looks like!


Ubor Shitza!
How have you been?

I'm sorry, my mistake.

You just do that
until you find him.

Something's happened.

You're not telling me something.

Not now, Alex.

Let's just do this.

Heels! Heels, heels, heels.


Find Ubor Shitza.


Uborscht Shista, you look brillant!

- Niet.
- No?

Ubor Shista!

I... How long has it been?!

We were at the... the...




You look... very well.

You look like something
the cat coughed up.

Right, well...

You're just rude.


And... you have a handbag-size
crossbow, of course you do.

You not actually have been trying
to shoot me with...

My G... Ok, fine.

You have got some
serious issues!

You've got my job.

I got an idea.

I-I'm still going to escape,

You guys could still chase me but
just do it at a leisurely pace.

What do you say?

Yeah. Let's stick to tradition.

I should be working
for the British Museum.

You cheated on all
of your essays. I...

did propper research, and I did
lovely annotated foot notes!

Little miss Perfect.

Always playing by the rules.

Always got to be the good girl.

In case they stop loving you
and send you back!

That's not true.

Never mind.

It'll all be... over soon.

Coming through!

Alex, the cops!

You really don't wanna be here!


"Niet. Katjeshka."



Grab your things.


What about it?

I've heard that before.

Yeah, it probably has
something to do with all of this!

"Kattjish- katjishka..."


It's just something...

...niggling me.

It means "dry-cleaning."

Well, that's usefull.
That'll help us track down our guy.

No, no, no, no, it's not a guy!

It's not "Ubor Shitza,"

it's, "Ubur- chistka."

It means "cleaning-lady".

That's who
Hercules was talking about.

She is his contact!


The hotel
gave us your adress.


I was starting
to feel sorry for you.

But Hercules told me to wait
until he was sure it was safe.

If you knew it was us,

why didn't you
stay at the hotel?

my shift was over.

I see enough of that place.

How do you have this?

My great-grand-father was...

one of those who smashed
Fabergé's workshop.

But he liked shiny things.

He took it.

He did. But he would
have been killed for it.

A family secret
for nearly hundred years.

Passed onto the children.

Don't tell... Don't tell...

You will die if you dare.

But I have no children
to pass it on, I am...

sick of secrets.


This can't be their blood.

Why not?

They picked their finger,

and all squeezed one drop.

Together for eternity.

The Tsar, his wife,

their little princes and princesses.

Perhaps they know
the end was coming.


couldn't find this, he turned
the entire country upside down!

Nor could the...

the KGB find it, nor could the Mafia!

How did Mr. *Worthington?

He also likes shiny things.

He followed the Revolutionary.

The weakness for beauty.

And found me.

Is Hercules on his way?

He's dead.

He was killed for this.


I'm so- I'm so so sorry.

And we have to take this back
to the Museum just so we can...

we can analyse it but
I promise you we will pay you.

I don't want paying!

It is a curse.

Take it!

Put it in a wand.

Smash it to pieces,
I don't care anymore.

He's dead.

Take it.

Why didn't you tell me?

He didn't give your name.

Nobody will come looking for you.

Hercules promised to protect me.

Was it a bad death?

It was quick.


I still can't believe
she just gave that to us?

What this means for the Museum.



No, no, no, no, no, no.


Why did you just do that?!

A man was murdered for that.

If you take it,

then the person that wants it
will come after you, too.

And he won't stop.

You and everyone you love
will be in danger.

I have never heard
so much crap

in all my life! Have you
completely lost your mind?!

They will not stop until everything

and everyone you love is destroyed.

I know this.

And now, no one can have it.

I just saved your life.
Get in your car and go home.

Just go home, Alex.


Alex. Hey. How's Russia?

It's fine, um...

Clive I'm going...
I'm coming home.

And what are you bringing back?

Nothing, I'm afraid.

I see.

Well, just as
an FYI

your... desk bound...
from now on.


You-you-you can't just do that.

Yes I can. I'm your boss,
in case you hadn't noticed.

I want the old Alex back so I'm
clipping your wings.

You're... clipping my wings?

Who do you think you are,

And don... and don't talk to
me about the old Alex,

because you have no idea
who I am.

- Are you drunk?
- No, I am just

sick of being the good girl.


Well that didn't go as planned,
did it?

I'm worried about you Hooten.
Your friend was murdered

and now you're hiding out here
in Cambodia.

Sorry Alex.
I tried to keep you out of this.

You're looking for *Shambhala
aren't you.

I know the legend.

Who's the buyer?
Who is he?

He wants the jewel, even more
than he wanted that Fabergé egg.

That's him isn't it?

If I can find it first, then I
can get what I want in return.

We have got to call the police.

Are you kidding, this is Cambodia.

What the hell is going on here.