Hooten & the Lady (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Ethiopia - full transcript

When Ella is kidnapped in Ethiopia, Alex borrows a priceless artefact from the British Museum for the ransom and begs Hooten for help. The pair must overcome stubborn camels and crazed bandits to decode a mystery of biblical proportions.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
It's big.

Of course it's big.

Doesn't mean I want to get
married in it.

Is that a "No" then?

What do you think?

I asked you. I don't mind.

Well, I don't mind either.

But... we have to make a decision
about this. Cause we've gotta

choose the music, and the flowers,
and cake tiers.

- And my mother keeps pestering me...
- Alex,

I want to be your husband
because I love you,

and you're amazing.

And you deserve the perfect day.
It's not to please your mother.

Right answer.

You answer that,
I'm gonna get us coffee.


Hi! Alex.


I might need to be quick.

- Okay.
- I'm... I'm in Ethiopia.

Ethiopia, why?

I took a call
while you were away,

and I would never,
never um... normally ask

um... this of you, but you're
the only person I can trust...

Hurry up!

Private acquisitions,

There's a Sabean Spoon,
up for verification.

Yes, yes, yes.
I know it.


I can't, I need my reading glasses.


Chop! Chop! Hurry up!

So... you need to take
the Eritrea Amiri,

from Jeddah to Massawa Port,

and a driver will meet
you there in 48 hours.

You bring the spoon,

and then they'll let me go.

Who? Who's they?
How will I know...

If you run into any problems,
check the reference section

etag nam tros inspeculo.

- What?
- Inspeculo.


48 hours. Come alone.

Haven't even told you
what it is yet.

- This is important to me Hooten.
- No!

Why? What's the problem?

You lost me at Massawa,
its Africa’s' sphincter.

So it's a little bit grimy.
Who cares?

It's never bothered you before.

Had a dice game there once,
it didn't end well.

Alright, I'll do this one
on my own, um...

Just one question
before you go.

What happens when
you trigger a load sensor?

Sends an automatic alert
to the security company,

the building goes into lockdown.

Okay, and what would I do
to avoid that?

Just theoretically.

You gotta replace the weight.
Maintain the pressure on the pad.

- Wai - wai - wait. What are you up to?
- Nothing.

You're stealing something.

Don’t be ridiculous. Bye.

Yes, that a boy!


Next time.

Thank you.

Calm down.

Was that absolutely necessary?


I thought you said you
weren't going to come.

And miss an opportunity
like this?

You're onto something.

Load sensor, little switchroo.

- Come on, what do you got?
- Excuse me.


To be honest,
I'm quite glad you're here.

Is that a thank you?

But you need to know
there's no money involved.

Hey, I'm not a philistine.
It doesn't have to be money.

It could be jewels,

rubies never hurt anybody.

Something far more valuable
than any of those.

I knew it.

It's Ella.


She's been taken hostage.

Well that's hardcore.
What do they want?

I was meant to come alone.
With this.

It's a spoon.

She's being held ransom
for a spoon?

Who are these people?

Gun wielding psychopaths.

What was she doing
in Massawa anyway?

She was covering for me.
I was taking a couple of days off for

wedding planning.
In a way, this is my fault.

In a way? It's all your fault.

Yeah, thank you for clarifying.

You're welcome.

You from the museum?


You were told to come alone.

I wasn't allowed to take
the Sabean Spoon

unless there were two of us.
It's protocol.

Show me.

Where's my friend.

Two hours south from here.

Show me.

Wel - well, alright!

Good. Go.


I'm not going anywhere,
unless he's coming with me.

At least buy me a mojito first.


In back.

There are two of them. The port security
was watching, I had no choice.

You have the spoon?

Yes, I've seen it.

What do you want me to do?

Kill them.

That way.

Where are we going?

Shortcut to highway.

Go left here.


- You could have told me to hold on.
- Hold on.

Watch out!

Careful, careful!

She was our only way
of getting to Ella.

It wasn't going to happen.

They planed on killing you
the minute you get off that boat.

That's not very... honourable.

What'd you expect?

So what do we do now?

She said it was two hours
South from here.

Using a 4x4,
So it's probably...

Somewhere through these mountains
and in the Ethiopian desert.

Right, right right!


This thing your friend is bringing,

it's worth a lot of money, yes?

- Yes, lots of money.
- As much as he says?

Yes, absolutely.



I still don't get it.

Why kidnap somebody for a spoon?
Why not just ask for money?

Because it's one of a kind.

I mean literally, it's...

There's only two remaining
artefacts from this period.

This, and a bowl.

Where is the bowl?

It was in a Tewahedo
monastery in Axum

- but it was reported stolen.
- By these guys?

It must have been.

The two pieces may well be linked,
That's something Ella was looking into.

So if they're linked, then
they're valuable, right?

Anything that's made from Saba

is automatically valable because
it's linked to the Queen of Saba.


You may know her
as the Queen of Sheba.

The Queen of Sheba?
I thought that was a myth!

Says who?

There's just as much evidence
of the Queen of Sheba as there is

for King Salomon, but no one
questions his existence!

So... What?

Ella's been abducted by feminists?

The bottom line is,
they want the spoon.

I don't really care why,
I just want to find Ella.

Hey! What are you saying!

I told you, speak English!

And you. And you.


Your driver,

if she killed the British,

why is she not back?

She will be here.



She wil be here.

She will be here.

There's gotta be
a way to do this.

And they called you
from Ella's cell phone, right?

Why can't we just call her back?

No, I've been trying ever since
they called me. Nothing.

- No, stop! Stop!
- What?

Stop the car!

Well, that wasn't on the map.

Okay, this is fine.

My mother always says
that if the day starts badly

then it can only get better.

Well, amen to your hot mum.

Can you hear something?

She doesn't look very happy.



Tuck and roll! Tuck and...


This isn't telling me anything.
We need to get moving.

We don't even know which
direction we're going.

Well, the sun's...

heading that way,
so that would be North.


We gotta go South.

- -ish?
- -ish.

Well, that's not an exact science.

Nothing with you ever is.

Well, so much for mummy's
days-getting-better theory.

Now, what?

We have to get to Ella.

We walk.

That one... didn't come
with a handbrake, no?

Did Ella say anything else?
Any idea where they were...

- ...holding her?
- No.

Come on,
you said she was smart.

She said I should
meet someone at the port,

and if I ran into any trouble, that
I should check the reference section.

She said "etag nam
tros inspeculo".

What does that mean?

"Inspeculo" is latin for mirror
but the rest of it is nonsense.

But I did look it up,
obiously, but it's...

I couldn't translate it.

Well maybe you spelled it wrong.

All right, humour me.



Wait, hold on.


All right, we can kiss
one time, and that's it.

- Otherwise I'm going to tell Ed.
- Hooten.

"Inspeculum" means "mirror".

Write it backwards!

Sort... man...

Gate, "sort man gate",
what does that mean?

I hope that's a rhetorical question,
cause why the hell would I know?

Gonna call the museum.



The shoes, Alex.

Your pin was the last on the keypad.
You can't just take things!

There is a code of practice
that every single one of us

- is answerable to.
- Yeah. It's Ella.

Ella's on a field study.

Yes, I know she is.
She's in trouble.

What happened?

I don't have time to explain
any of that now,

you're just gonna have to take
my word for it. Okay? Please!

What do you need?

On it.

- Alex?
- Just a second.

I need some of that museum money.

- Alex?
- One minute. Hold on, Clive.

I want change.


Can you look up... um,

"sort man gate"?

I need to know how
to get there by jeep,

er, and if it has any connection
to the Queen of Sheba.

Hey fellas.

Did you mean:
"short man gates"?

What is it saying?

"Short man gates"

is an Ethopian desert monument.

Its central stone faces
directly North,

while its surrounding camps
mark distinct pathways to

Ethiopia's ancient cities.

Due to its distincly
Solomonic style,

it's believed
to have been built by

the Queen of Sheba.

Where is it? The monument?

I need directions from Massawa.

Well... Looks like
a couple of hours South-East

of Massawa...

Ten miles from the top most point
of the Danakil depression,

144 kilometers East of Adigrat.

Yeah. Got it.

All right,
we're good to go.

Did you get the jeep?

Um, they wouldn't part with it.
It's a family vehicle, so I got

Pam and Tracy!

3000 dollars, I gave you.

Jack sold Milky White.

For three magic beans.

And he got a bean stalk.

Yeah, we could eat
a bean's stalk.

We can eat Tracy.

The Queen of Sheba took
this exact route to cross the Red Sea.

To Israel.

She was searching for this...

great king of the East,
King Solomon.

Who was chosen by god.

And then she... tested him
with hundreds of riddles.

Before she put out?

She was interested in
his mind, actually.

I hate that in a woman.

Anyway, by God's good Grace, he

answered all of her riddles correctly.

And then she put out?

Then he fell madly in love.

You got any better stories?

So, what is the deal with this...
large spoon?

Nobody knows. But it...

has this ancient Hebrew measurments
carved into the handle

What, so it's like a ruler?

No, just like a spoon.

Anyway, it's besides the point.
The units can mean anything,

It's the... poetic inscriptions.
It's actually really fascinating.

It roughly transcibes as :

"Until the day spreads
and the shadows flee,

I will go to the mountain
and heights of incense."

That's biblical.

You know it?

The Song of Songs.

"My lover thrusts his hand
into the latch opening.

I opened for him and my fingers
drip with perfume."

That is...
genuinely impressive.

Well you're looking at a guy who spent
two and a half years in a convent.

The Song of Songs
is ecclesiasical porn.

Nights were very long.

That is depraved.

You're telling me.

Hooten, look!

Keep your head down.

Do you see the stones?

That's short man gate.

I'm not liking the look
of that welcoming comitee.

She's in there, I know it.

How do we get her out?

Where is Tracy?


The... camel.



- Tracy! Get...!



Hold on, it's ringing.

Alex. Hi!

It's really...
not a very good time.

Denise was expecting
both of us to be here.

can I please call you back?

Should I just cancel?

No. No, no, no, no, don't cancel.
We'll never get it ready in time. Um...

Ok. Shall I just pick one

from the catalogue?

OK. Go on.

Er, was it the Tahitian Vanilla Spring?

You know, I can't... It's fine,
fine, fine, just... put her on.

She'll speak to you.

- Hello.
- Hi, Denise,

Um... Okay, so
it's the, um...

the three tiered
ivory pastillage,

um, with the...

white chocolate
rasberry base.

And then I do just need...
um, some vegan options

for the... for the top
um, tier.

Lady Lindo-Parker?

She's gone.


Sit. Come on, sit!

I'm not done with you.

Stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop, stop!

Don't you get lippy with me!

My driver.
Where is she?

I never saw her.

There was no one at the port
when I got there.

Then how did you find us?

I didn't.

I was just...
in the desert. I was lost.

He found me.


I wanna see my friend first.


Is that it?

You said it was gold.

I said it would lead to gold.

Did I not?

The other woman
will make sense of this.

And she will lead us

to the treasure.

We have no fuel!

We have enough.

The water is filthy.

We haven't eaten in days!

He says he would give us gold,

- and he shows us this!
- Who...

is in charge?!

Would anyone like to sit
where I am sitting?


Take a seat.


Take her to the other woman.

Everyone, out!

Do that again

and I'll slit your throat.



What are you doing here?

It's me, it's Alex.

For christ's sake, I know your name,
I haven't been lobotomised.

Where are they?


The marines, MI6,
Interpol. Where are they?

He told me to come alone.

But you didn't actually...
come alone?

Did you?

I took a call
from your desk.

She sais she was an archeologist.

Which archeologist?

I don't know. She does-
she sounded Eastern European.

Five for ten gold teeth?

- Yes, that's her.
- You are joking!

What on earth made you think
she was a genuine archeologist?

I don't know, I'm not to... judge people
on their dental hygiene.

I mean, what made you think
you could take on a gangster

- who vajazzles his own mouth.
- Shut up!

She said she was studying

a Sabean cosmetic bowl,
that she had on loan

for a religious order, and
she wanted the spoon for research.

So you just came out here,
to invastigate it.

What the hell were you thinking?!

Well, just to check
that it was genuine first.

I mean, that's what you do.
Isn't it?

Well, is it genuine?

Yes! Yeah. And they think

that if you put them both together,

then it will lead you to the
lost treasure of the Queen of Sheba.

Yes, supposedly, there's
no evidence to support

that notion, is it?
It's a myth, at best

Yes, but what if it isn't?

I mean, we have
the only surviving relics.

From her entire reign.

You know, what if it does lead
to something bigger?

The final riddle

of the Queen of Sheba.

I am not like these men.

I'm not a thief.

or a gun, for hire.

They are pigs.

With no loyalty.

Or a sense of anything
greater than themselves.


am a man

of vision.

A man who sees the past

is the architect

of his own future.

Legend has it,

that the great Saba left treasure
of her people in the desert.

She carved a map

into the bowl and spoon from which
she was served her final meal.

You do know that's just a myth?

It's a myth to people like you,

who need to see with their
own eyes before they'll believe.

Because you... have

no heart.

No faith in anything.

I know it is real,
and that is enough.


you will solve the final riddle

of the grest Saba.

But, if we can't?

Remind me.

It's from the Song of Songs.


"the day spreads and the shadows flee,

I will go to the mountain
and heights of incense."

Got to work out

why these two things relate.

What makes them inseparable.

I'll twist them.

- And... yeah.
- Yeah.


So the sun... above.

- Short man gate.
- Yes! These represent the stones!

That's what brought them here.


If you want us to solve this, then

we need to go outside
and look at the stones.

I've said that this

was the North facing stone.

And then that these stones

corresponded to...

pathways to ancient cities.

- But... it could be something else.
- Yeah...




But how does it relate to this?

"Until the day spreads
and the shadows flee."

- That suggests sommertime.
- Yeah.

In ancient Saba,
the sommer solstice is

the festival of fertility,
and abundance...

We need to recreate
the sunrise at solstice.

This is in hebrew as well.

Mill, mill.

Mill. Er, it's a talmudic measurment.

- It's just short for metric mile.
- Mile. Two miles.

In which direction?

So that is where

the sun will be during the solstice.

- It'll be all right, I promise.
- Yeah.

I'm sure you've... seen worse.

Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Shut up!


What use are you?
You can't even keep a woman quiet.

Tss! Give me that!


Fine! Fine, fine.

Everyone! Out!

Move! Move!

This is two miles.


All right, Tracy.

Show me what you've got.


Go, go, go, go! Come on!

Yah! Yah!

- Where?
- I don't know where.

Where is it?

You said, two miles!

Up here.

Hey, you.

Deeper. Deeper.

It's here, somewhere.

The lost treasure of Saba.


And you. Deeper.

Why did Sheba bring us here?

You do realise,
they're likely to kill us

if there's no treasure.

Well, there must be!

It's pretty unlikely

the spoon will lead us
to this... exact spot,

nothing for miles, and then

thiese Boswellia trees.



The rarest commodity
of the ancient world.

- An absolute fortune.
- Yeah.

Frankincense would have been

refined with essencial oils
in bowls just like this.

I mean, would this... would this
have been enough trees

to create Sheba's treasure?

What about hundreds?


There's nothing here!


There's nothing here!

- He lied to you.
- Shhh!

There's no gold here.

Liar! Shut your mouth!

The lost treasure isn't gold.
It was Frankincense

that was farmed from these trees.

- Is this true?
- Yeah! Undoubtedly!

You could have maybe,

made some cash from
selling off the trees, but

- they've been dead now for...
- Shut up!

This isn't going to end well, is it?

Don't know.

This gonna be quick.
it's gonna be quick, it's gonna be quick.

Where's the cavalerie
when you need it?

Whose bright idea
was it to ride a camel?

May his balls rest in peace.

I begin to sense a pattern here:
me, saving your ass...

I was perfectly fine
on my own, actually.

- Is that right?
- And anyway you didn't save us,

- your camel came over...
- Ok, what about all the other times?

and they were already pointing their guns
at each other anyway, so...

- Just do it.
- Do what?

Say thank you.

I'm perfectly capable of saying
thank you when it's merited.

- Merited?
- Yeah.

Let's face it, you'd have been dead
at that port if I hadn't shown up.

You only showed up because
you thought there was money involved.

No, there isn't any money involved.


All right, let's take this... truck.

No, they, um...
there's no petrol left.

Well, not enough.

Well, we'll take the camels.


Well, I'm not going to get them,
I went last time,

and that's what got you
in this mess to begin with.

You leave me on my own,

to be captured by these... mentalists
and somehow that's my fault?

- Yes.
- Pardon me.

- Apology accepted.
- I wasn't... !

She so has the hearts for me.

- It's unresolved sexual tension?
- Exactly.

Um, they took their engagment ring.

Pamela! Tracy!

Tacy, don't ignore me!

Don't move...

You realise this is
a girl's ring, right?

Lady Alexandra

Diana Elizabeth...

Sarah Jessica Lindo-Parker,

- would you do me the honour of...
- Ahaa.

Well, is that a "yes"?

Come on! That's a little funny.

She's laughing.

No, not laughing.

Important distinction.

Two camels, three people...

This is cosy.

You smell so...


The find was incredible.
Wasn't it?

I mean, the riddle was inspired.

Real intellectual sparing.

All that money and power, and
all she cared about was his mind.

That's romantic.

No wonder Solomon fell for her.

I'm gonna talk to Ed.
We don't need Saint Paul's.

We could get married in a...

telephone box for all I care.

With or without bloody cake.

That's sweet.

So riddles turn you on, seriously?

Get this woman
a Rubik's cube, she's filthy.

Joy! Only
another hundred miles to go!

Can I drive soon?


Well, everyone knows,
women can't drive.

A camel isn't any different.

Rude, and sexist!

It's not sexist,
it's an established fact!

Established by who?

I don't know,
I read it somewhere.

Well, a nuts magazine.

- So you saw it, too?
- Shush.

Bet you can't park it.

You've seen it.
Broken heart.

Alex, it's me.
You need to get to Moscow, now!

It exists.

Tell us who it is.

The broken heart is fake,
and you are wrong.

Where is my daughter?

Is she with that man?

You took your time.

They are going to
run us off the road!

- Alexandra.
- Valeria.

You have got
some serious issues!

Why did you just do that?!

If you take it, you and everyone
you love will be in danger.