Hooten & the Lady (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript

Hooten asks Lady Alex to help him find the long lost Sibylline Books, a collection of mystical prophecies. In Rome, the museum curator quickly finds herself scaling the Sistine Chapel, battling a sewer alligator and facing the Mafia.

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... cum nobis pecatoribus,
nunc et in hora mortis

- nostrae, amen.
- I got here as fast as I could.

Thank God you're here!

Let me look at you.

Sadness has deepened.

You said you have something.

Founder of our order,
Father Francesco,

he brought it here. In 1557.


- Do you know what it is?
- Yes!

Do you know what it is?

It's a page from the Sibylline book.

- Sibylline book from... ?
- Rome.


Some believe it has
the power to protect the future.

If a page survives...

perhaps the rest of the book does,
and it would be valuable.

If it's money you need,
I'll get it for you,

- you don't have to sell your relics.
- No.

We must find it.

That's the Vatican's symbol.

- Are they the buyers?
- No.

We have a friend, in Rome,

they will find a buyer. Call them,

when you find it.

Anything for you, Sister.


look after yourself.


One word of warning to your friend and
I will make you watch us kill you all.


- Thank you.
- Grazie.

We think it may have been a temple
for the Jupiter Optimus Maximus.

- This is stunning.
- Wait until you see the floor.

Hey! Svegliati, accendi.

Look, do you think the British Museum
might be interested?

You should say so.

You have a week to take it all.

A week?!

The... synthetic removal
will take months!

We're in Rome, Alex.

Everywhere is a World
Heritage Site.

Nice for the tourists...

But what the people who leave here
need is decent transport.

The C line metro is 30 years late
coming through here.

A week... is all we have.

I see.

What is it?

Handwritten Guns N' Roses' lyrics.

Let me see.

It's not your expertise, Maurice.

You stick to the drug smuggling
or whatever else you do this days.

Everywhere you go, opportunists...

Hey, Yankee Doodle man!

- Hey, show this paper, real shit.
- Sure.

Seriously? You're mugging me
at ten thousand feet?

All I wanted was a quick
under the radar flight to Rome.

- Page, now!
- No page. Land, now!

Or we can keep...

- talking, you know, whatever suits you.
- Hooten!

Hey, toughty! Your airline's
gonna get a sticking review.

My lunch was inside that backpack.

Piu' vicini.

Piu' vicini. Basta.

Better late than never.

Was this on your wedding list?

Transcribed and synced by
vivelalto, Bird and LittleDuck

It's all rather dull, actually.

And we're in Rome looking for a dress,

and I though we'd have
some time for some fun.

She's so busy with her work.

Follow your heart. Surely, you...

must know your sister's dream dress.

Well, it's not my sister that's
getting married, it's my daughter.

We'll need a Brandy please,
I'm in shock here. Wait, you...

You have a daughter?

You are a delight.

I could listen
to your stick all night.

Well, lucky for you,
I'm an all night kind of fella.

Just need to change,
Mum, ten minutes.

No rush, darling, Mr Hooten here
is diverting company.

I needed to see you. I'm sorry.

I was messing, I knew
it was your mother.

- What do you take me for?
- An oaf, a chancer, a dog.

I have to say you don't
look like your mother.

- She's very elegant and refined...
- For your information, I'm adopted.

- You did well, bagging a Lord and a Lady.
- Two minutes,

and already, I wanna
punch you in the face.

This is what I hoped for. We can
pick up exactly where we left off.

- What do you want, Hooten?
- Your help!

I didn't expect to see you again. I
haven't heard from you since the Amazon.

I don't have to call regularly, do I?

Are you like this with your fiancé?

- How'd you like to know the future?
- Swallow, and then speak.

I've said, how would you like
to know the future?

I already know it.

You're crossing the street
right into the path of a truck.

I'm talking about the big things.

Plagues. Floods.

Wars. I'm talking about
the book that guided the kings

and emperors of Rome.

The Sibylline book?

It was destroyed over 1600 years ago
by general Stilicho.

'xcuse fingers.

It's authentic.

- Where did you get this?
- A nun.

I'm on a mission from God.

The Vatican mark.

Do you think the rest of the book
might still be there?

Now you know why I'm in Rome,
my little accreditation fairy.

I need your access to the Vatican.

My mother is here,
to look at wedding dresses.

I've got the dig, and now
you're bringing me this.

Well, you think I'm gonna just...

Drop everything to go
treasure hunting with you?

Do I really need to answer that?

My wheels are over here.

I get first dibs
on cataloguing and examination.

We should also discuss
exportation attitude.

Let's find the thing first.

Alright. This is us.

Won her in a game of Scopa
off a bridesmaid.

Call her Audrey.

It's an example of everyday's sexism
to name vehicles after women.

So, you know a nun!

I know a lot of nuns.

- And how do you know this nun?
- "Nun" of your business.

It's all lies, isn't it ?

I bet you're gonna sell the book
to one of your dodgy contact.

You've got that look about you.

That look would be
God's hand guiding me.

We can start in the library.

Let's work backwards.
General Stilicho

had the Sibylline book in 4 or 5 AD.

He must have given it
to the Church... Why?

Christians believe the Sibylline book
prophesies the arrival of Christ.

It would have been
a very useful tool

in the process of conversion.

So why doesn't the Sibylline book
have pride of place?

Because people are converted.
There's only one

book the Church wants people reading.

The Bible.

So they hid it.

What did you say the... name of...

the founder of your nun's
convent was?

Father Francesco.

And stop saying "nun"
like I made her up.

I knew I'd seen
his name somewhere!


Here's his diary.

Francesco tore out the stamped page

in protest at its censorship.

Then somebody called
Simoni hid the rest of it.

I don't suppose it says where ?

I don't... I don't
completely understand, it says

Francesco goes to the convent,
to your convent, and then

Simoni stays in Rome.
He writes to Francesco. He says;

"It is hidden, Father.
The key is in my book."

Thanks, Simoni, big help.

Wow. What he actually writes is;

"Meo libro picto",
then essentially writesf "lol".

Meo libro...

What-what does that mean?

"My painted book."


That is pretty funny.



What's the joke?

Come on, spill the beans.
What do you know?

- What kind of clearance do you have?
- A2.


I thought you said
you can get in anywhere.

I can, within reason.

I don't have clearance
to go in there, Hooten.

I need a day to sort it out.

You're either with me,
or you're not.

Pop quiz,
when was the last Pope elected?

Pope Francis, 2013.


More specific.

March 2013.


Even more specific.

The 12th and 13th
of March 2013.

White smoke was seen at
six minutes past seven.



Come on, cameras are down.

Slowly, these anchor points haven't
been used in years.

What did you do,
to close down security?

What is this thing
I read in the paper?

The vain eavesdropping
during the papal conclave.

All security in the chapel
was disabled.

I just told the system it was
March 13th 2013 again.

We're going to hell?

We already knew that.

You can cross the Sistine
chapel off your bucket list.

Wait. So, Father Francesco

receives a cryptic letter
reading: "The...

"key is in my painted book."

- The Erithraean Sibyl -
- Erithraean.

One of five books

on the ceiling.

Simoni was the surname
of none other than Michelangelo.

He was in here around that time,
bashing out the Last Judgement.

There was friction between
him and the Pope, you see.

How do you know so much
about the Sistine chapel ceiling?

Can't I be knowledgeable
about Renaissance art?

Come on, where did you get
the information from? Wikipedia?

I had root canal done last year.

Dentist office had a know and tell poster
on the ceiling.

Hey! You learn wherever you can.

So you think this
is the painted book.

I think there's a groove. Right there.

You can't go stabbing at Michelangelo
ceiling, that is a crime against culture.

Why, you take out your scalpel
all the time and pick things up.

A scalpel is a precision instrument,
that is a dirty great knife.

Alright, get your scalpel
out then, doc.

There's definitely
something behind there.

I can't do it,
can't do it, can't do it.

Give me yours...

And you can hold mine.



Get that!

You were supposed to...

Well, get down now, slowly.


- Hooten!
- My line is jammed.


I can't get down.

Cut the line!

I'll break my neck!

Who cares about your neck!

I do. I love my neck,
I have a great neck.

You are gonna bring down
the Sistine Chapel ceiling, you heifer!


You're the one who looks
like they haven't missed any pasta.

Let's make this easy.

What does?

- Alex, no!
- No pasta, Hooten.

- Wiggle out.
- No.

I'm alive.
It's a miracle.

What fell out?

A ceiling. Over a human life
I've seen the really...

Is it part of the book?!

It's a chunk of wood.

And, I've lost the connection.

Yeah, we better get out of here.

I'm not going anywhere until
I've sealed the ceiling back in place.

Alex, seriously, we're
in Vatican. Come on.

Leave it! Come on!

You're still working?
At this time of night!

Hello, Ella! Sorry
to bother you so late.

Would you mind, checking
something for me, please?

I'm sending photos
of an artefact I found.

So, the material is wood,

It's part of a frieze. It's circa
third century but I don't recognize it.

You really are working.

we're drinking, in a bar.

- Who is that?
- The... waiter.

Would you see
if you can find anything

and then give me
a ring back, thank you!



Don't answer that.
We're working.

It's my mum.

So, I ate diner alone.
That was fun.

I looked like some
terrible French widow.

But now, I'm in the room.

The assistant's been standing here
for 20 minutes.

Now, are you gonna come
and view these dresses, or not?

I'm sorry, I just...
I've been caught up in work.

But this is your wedding dress
we're talking about, Alex!

- I don't mind. You pick one.
- I could have

combat fatigues and a con
costume for all you know!

No, you haven't. I know you
will have chosen the most

beautiful dresses in the whole city.

Well, I have. I just
wanted you to be here.

This is a big mother
and daughter moment!

I'm sorry.

This is really important,
I've got to go. Love you.

Did she mention me?

- Hi.
- Alex!

How close are you to Capitoline Hill?

Hum, two minutes.

Get yourself down there.

This piece is truly astounding.

What did she say?

2,000 years ago,

the Sibylline books were kept
in an ebony chest.

Under the temple of
Jupiter Optimus Maximus.

Ella's discovered
that our chunk of wood is likely

a section from
the base of that chest.

Yeah, what does that have
to do with Michelangelo?

During the Renaissance, the temple
Maximus' Capitoline Hill was renovated.

It became known
for Palazzo dei Conservatori.

Guess who designed it?

- Michelangelo Simoni.
- Precisely.

He'd have known
the significance of that location,

it's the perfect poetic place
to hide the book;

back in its original home.

When you say "under the temple",

do you mean, "under under"?

What's down here?

Subterranean Rome
is like a labyrinth.

Well, let's hope
we don't run into a Minotaur.

No, they're Greek.

This way should take us
right under the old temple.

An oil lamp!

Second century.

That's just a... a thing.

Stop picking stuff out,
we're on a sewer.

Your natural habitat, of course.

GPS says that the basement
should be just along here.

Amazing! This is all still intact.

Barely, that step
looks like it's gonna break.

The catacombs.

Isn't Rome amazing?

There are miles and miles of these
throughout the city, people just...

brick them up, and ignore them.

To think we're following in
the foot steps of Michelangelo.

- Is this it?
- That a sarcophagus.

We're looking for an ebony chest.

All I see are skulls and bones.

And more skulls, and more bones.

It's like a serial
killer's apartment.

See the way they're looking.

It seems to be a skull theme...

going on here.


It's a corner.

One, two.

My God...

My God!

This is it!

Hey, hey, hey-hey.

You found it.

That's giving me tingles.

You should probably
get that looked at.

Is that you?

People dump these
in the drains every time

- they get too big.
- What?


That's enormous!

Step back.

I never step back.

What do you mean you...
why'd you never... well, since when?

- Always, it's a rule I have.
- What kind of

rule is never step back? Why'd you make
a rule like that? "Never step back."

Step back! Step back...

Okay, what do we do, now?


You walk left, I walk right.

- Okay.
- Move slowly.

That way he won't know
which one of us to attack.

We're basically counting on it
being an indecisive alligator.

Or that you're much younger,
more tender on the jaws.

You're far meatier,
it's a lot longer meal.

English lamb.

Melt in the mouth,

Mmh! Yummy!

Stop ***-textured jerky
all-you-can-eat buffet, help yourself!

No! Hooten, please!

- Please do something.
- Here goes nothing.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah.


How do we get out?

We have water.

We have alligator meat... somewhere.

Maybe we should consult this book.

At this point, I'm willing
to give anything a try.

How does it work?

You ask yourself
your fundamental question,

the question you need
the clearest guidance on.

You open the book.

Place your finger on a passage
and that is the way forward.

The English lamb bleeds loudly.

It's enough to drive the wolf crazy.

- What do you think that means?
- We may not believe,

but we should still be respectful.

If you don't want to
consult it, then don't.

Alright, alright, alright.

What does it say?

...my Greek hexameters
are... a bit rusty.


I can only give you a...

sketchy translation.

"Flowers of the East will be
cut down by foreign foes.

There will be no light,
until the valley is at its darkest."

What a crock of shit.


You're never gonna get a signal.

That's what you think.

Careful! Sorry.

That place had been there
for hundreds of years.

How did you know
we could get out?

If there's a way for my phone to get
a signal then there's a way for us.

It's Rome!

There is always another layer.

Bit like you, ey!

I'm a hundred percent surface.

I think I should take the book.

It'll be safe and
it'll help build relations

between the Museum and the Vatican.

I've made the call.
I'm giving it to the guy.

The "guy?"

A priceless relic, and you're
gonna give it to a "guy?"

He's not just a guy,
he's a friend of my nun.

That's what she wants,
it's what's gonna happen.

I bet it's the Mob.

You're in Italy and you hear the word
"friend" and you assume it's the Mob?

That's racist.

I'm just concerned with
whom you're dealing.

I'm dealing with God, Alex,
I'm a man of faith.

Not like you.

What? Organised and thorough.

Suspicious, cynical,

- racist.
- Mr Hooten.

Viene con me.

I can sense you're
jumping to conclusions.

Leva quelle cose.


A mission from God?!

- It was.
- You're a liar, Hooten.

You found the Sibylline book?

- Yes.
- No.

A "nun"?

She must have been acting
under duress.

The next one is in your head.

My name is Tramacca.

How did you get this number?

Don't press anything, don't
alert anybody, just listen.

We have the original
Sibylline book.

That's not possible.

If the Vatican want it,
it will pay a fee

of five million Euros.

I can not sanction
a payment of that magnitude.

But you can make a call
to those who can pay.

You know the story
of the book's origin.

The last king of Rome.

He was offered nine books
by the Cumaean Sibyl,

but considered the price to high.

So the Sibyl, she went away,

and she burned three books?

When she returned,
she offered the King the six

remaining books
for the same price, again,

the King said no.

The Sibyl went away
and burnt three more books.

Finally the King

purchased the three remaining books,

for the original price.

And now,

there is only one.


That is the property
of the people of Rome!


It is a cornerstone in
our city's foundation story.

Would you see it lost?


Allow me to consult
with the Holy Council.

One hour.

Any contact with the police
will see the book burn.

You were in the chapel.

You set me up.

Your friend,

Sister Maria,
she did not want to cooperate.

She is family to me,
you son of a bitch.

In the end, Mr Hooten,

there is no family.

Siamo lupi solitari.

We are lone wolves.

I believe that

is our true founding story.


who can read this?


You have a family?


I had the greatest family.

But now I'm an outcast.

My brother was killed

8 years ago,
and they blamed me!

I am a king,

in my world, Alex.

I am an emperor.

Yes, I want the money but,

I also want guidance.

I want to know if
there's a way back to my family.

Hold the book.

Hold that question in your mind.

And allow yourself to find the truth
within its pages.

"You are worn out dead.

"Your tomb is ill-starred.

"It holds no pride, or honour.

"Your throne is lost."

That could mean anything.

No, no, please! No, don't!
Look, I beg you. Please!

There's no need for this!

I won't let you!




Why did you tell him the truth?

You could have said anything!

I'm not a liar like you!

Don't be a Saint,
sugar the pill though next time.

Figlio di puttana!

You burned a Mafia man's face.
We are so dead!

- He deserved it!
- This isn't a joke, Alex.

We're going to the airport.

Ideally, we need
a shuttle to Mars,

but failing that,
we are leaving Europe.

We're not going anywhere
until I've got my mum!

I'm gonna call her.

My bag, my bag! Hooten I've got
to go back in Tramacca's,

he's got the... the...

hotel key in it, with the...
these... My mum, Hooten!


They've taken her.

No, don't even think about it.

They'll call us.

You have to let me
talk to the police now.

Tramacca's gonna have people in there.
They'll be tipped off!

They'll shoot your mother and
dump her on the side of the road.

I cannot just sit here

and do nothing!

If you do anything to her,
you won't...

Mr Tramacca, I apologize.

The woman behaved badly.

Yes, she did. And so did you.
You threatened a friend of mine.

A woman of the cloth.

You think I care.

You will bring the book
to the Sant Angelo Bridge.


What is he saying?

There'll also need to be recompense,

Mr Hooten.

I understand.

What did he say?


just wants the book.

Okay, fine, so where
are you meeting him?

- St Angelo Bridge.
- Okay, let's go.

I'm going alone, you need
to get somewhere safe.



There's a protocol,
you'll say the wrong thing,

- you'll get us all killed.
- You're an expert

in prisoner swaps now, are you?

If something happens to
my mum, I don't want her

- to be alone.
- You're not coming.

It's just too dangerous.

Hey, polizia!

Hey, he's
trying to steal my bag!

What are you doing?

No, no, she's goofing around.
English sense of humor.

Inappropriate, not funny,
dumb, really.

Ha detto che... che

i poliziotti sono bastardi!

- What did you say?
- I told him you think all police

- are bastard.
- Mani in alto!

mi scusi!

English umoro.

- ***
- Stai fermo!


Aspetta qua.

Where is Mr Hooten?

I got rid of him.

You have the book.

Where is my mum?

She will be delivered.

I want to see here now!

- Alex!
- Mum!

Look, where is she? I want to see her!

This isn't a negotiation.

You don't hold any cards.

- Careful here.
- Scendi. Scendi dalla macchina.


You drop that, I shoot you
in the groin.

And then I shoot your mother
in all fairness.

Okay, you can let her go now.

You think that's it?
I dust my hands, and walk away?

Recompense must be paid!

No! Please!!

Kicking on the weak?

Even for the Mafia,
that's pretty low.

I stole the bike, by the way,

in five minutes this place
is gonna be swarming with cops.

Let them go and
this will work out.

You have the book, you can do
whatever you want with it.


- Run, Alex!
- Listen to you mother!

There's no such thing
as a lone wolf.

We all have packs, people who
love us whether we like it or not.

Compa', whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Tutto a posto ragazzi.

It's amazing.

I thought
you went to work,

catalogued items,

occasionally travelled,

a reward to revindicate things,

but I didn't know that you were
running around,

making deals with the Mafia.

Goodness knows what your father's
going to say about this.

It was an one-off.

It wasn't me, it was Hooten.

Who... was this maniac?

He was...

just a guy, he...

was a jungle-and-tomb-man

Sorry to interrupt.

Do you have a moment?

Come this way. Please.

I understand you're getting married?

A gift from the Vatican.

The Holy Father has blessed them.

May your marriage
be strong and happy.

Thank you so much.

Can we go home now?

I think I need a session
with my psychiatrist.

It questions the life we choose.

Listen, you keep
buying, I'll keep drinking.

- You're not well.
- No, it's what it is.

I'm not used to drinking
drinks with umbrellas.

He let me think he was dead!

You utter bastard!

I've been worrying sick about you
and you sat around drinking!

Alex, I'd like to introduce you
to a dear friend of mine,

Sister Maria Riva.

Please, join us.

I've heard so much about you.

I'm... I'm so sorry...

Hooten, may I
have a word with you?

You really did do
all of this for a nun?

Yeah, why not?

Because, Hooten, you only
ever think about yourself!

Maybe that's what
I want you to think.

That is what you think.

You're right.
That is what I think.

Who are you, Hooten?
Where did you...

come from?

I am... Hooten, and I came
from that bar stool right there.

Lady Lindo-Parker.

Have you found this...

charming one a dress?

Did you punch him
in the face yet, Alex,

because if you haven't,
I certainly will.

Forgive me, Sister.

That's quite all right,

Ulysses has that effect on people.

- Ulysses ?
- Mmh.

Your name is Ulysses?

Do they know your Christian name?

I was saying...

to the sister how hard it was
for me to make this escape.

It required the use of the police,

bullet-proof vest and some
amazing swimming,

but fortunately for me,
I've been shot

- in the shoulder before.
- Hooten?

You can continue with your...

story, now.

Well, I can't, really, my jaw's...

Anyway. It all began when I made
the horrible decision of...

coming to Rome.

Can I get some ice?

The fabled Alashry.

Which contains
the key to the location

of the long-lost tomb

of Alexander the Great.

I said
stay in the hotel!

You snooze, you loose!

Similar person uses extreme ***
to dig at secret site!

Pretty damn successful.

You need to put that money
away unless you are looking for trouble.

What kind of trouble
did you have in mind?

- Alex!
- Always...

carry an insect repellent.

Just one squirt in the eye...

Never failed.

Nice pyjamas!

He didn't have to die, did he?

There is no way
you're getting away with this.

Transcribed and synced by
LittleDuck, Vivelalto and Bird

Proofreading by Aaronnmb
and Benaddicted

.>.>.> FaagotBear