Hooten & the Lady (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Amazon - full transcript

The simple truth is,

that with the wilful looting

and destruction of religious and

historical monuments
throughout the Middle East,

priceless artefacts

are being traded
on the black market by thieves

and opportunists.

And...

we face similar challenges
all over the world.

As we sit here,

a vaste swathe
of Amazonian rain forest



first charted

by Victorian explorer, Percy Fawcett,

is being destroyed.

Fawcett was a visionary, and,

with the recent discovery
of the lost Urutu tribe,

we have a real opportunity to find

Fawcett's last known camp.

And yet, all you having me do, is

sit behind a desk,
and... fill out budgets,

- and-and viability studies...
- Yeah, I-I think...

- what Alex's trying to say...
- What I'm saying is...

is Fawcett, Carter, Livingstone,

Mary Kingsley, these were not people
who sat behind desks.

They went out into the world,



and they found
what they were looking for.

Let me go out there...

and try to emulate
these men and women.

These decisions take time,

but you've done all you can

for today.

We have an exhibition,

in six weeks time,

to be opened by Lord Carnarvon

and a member of the Royal Family.

If you give me this chance, I will find

Fawcett's camp,
and I will bring back artefacts

for that exhibition.

The media attention such

an exhibit would attract,

would firmly put the museum
back in the public eye.

Just as... the chancellor's new budget

is due to be delivered later,

that very same month.

In which he seeks to cut

public funding. As part

of his new... austerity drive.

You've promised them

continued government's funding,
from a budget you have no control over,

based on the discovery of something

we don't know actually exists.

What do you think?

I think you better
not come back empty-handed,

or we're all screwed.

What could possibly go wrong?

It's a fake.

I give you 50 bucks.

I'm surprised it's worth 50.

Because it's not the stone
I came in with.

You switched.

It's okay, Clara.
I've got this.

Really?

Ya!

Clara, hold on!

Stop! Stop!

I... think you dropped this.

Come on, guys!

You're eating Clara, really?

Are you completely stupid?

Who the hell are you?

I was asking for directions
from the hunting party.

Then you attacked them.
They assumed I was a diversion.

They went from happy to help
to string her up.

Pull out there!

What's going on?

They're going to stake me
over that fire ant's nest.

That's standard punishment
for errant women.

Nasty.

- What about me?
- You're a thief.

They're holding yohimbi trial.

I'm not a thief!

- What's the yohimbi trial?
- The Urutu

are notoriously bisexual.

They'll smear you in monkey blood,

and they'll send you
into the chief's hut, for sex.

- Come on, he's 90 years old.
- That's where the yohimbi comes in.

It's a sexual stimulant
made from tree bark.

There may be another way, Mister...

Hooten, no mister.

The Urutu are immensely
proud of their warriors.

If you were to challenge and
defeat their strongest warrior,

- they'd see it at the will of the gods.
- So if I win,

they have to let us go?

So I believe.

Have you thought about
not getting quite so close to him?

Perhaps, try a little
more jab and move?

- Which way you're gonna run?
- South, I have a boat on the river.

Wait, why are we running?
They're letting us go, aren't they?

Where's your damn boat?

Keep going!

- Why are they chasing us?
- I don't know, sore losers?

You start the engine, I'll cast off.

Clive.

Base camp lost contact with Alex.

You've got a name?

Alexandra Lindo-Parker.

Lindo?

That's a hell of a middle name.

No, my middle names
are Diane Elizabeth.

My third name is Lindo-Parker.

You have five names?

Well, strictly speaking,
only four names;

Lindo-Parker is hyphenated.

No shit! So what, your parents
couldn't make up their mind?

They're all family names.

So what are you doing out here,
Miss... Alexandra Lindo-Parker?

I work with the British Museum.

We're here searching for
the last camp site

of the Victorian explorer,
Percy Fawcett.

He came here in 1925
in the spring to search for Eldorado.

Fabled the city of gold.

The lost city of Z.

"Zee"?

- Z.
- And let me guess, he didn't find it.

No one knows,
he was never seen again.

So you find
this camp and then what?

The idea is to create a tableau

in the Museum, using
all the Fawcett's original artefacts.

That'd shake up the world!

- You don't like museums?
- People spend too much of their time

looking back or forward.

That's why everybody's
now is turning to shit.

I think History is important.

It helps us to understand
where we come from.

Sometimes that's not
such a great idea.

What do you do, Mr Hooten?

This and that.

And are either this or that
an occupation of any kind?

You know, you ask a lot of questions.

And you have a canny knack
of avoiding answering.

It's a gift.

It's gonna get dark soon.

We should pull over
somewhere and bed down.

So, what do we know?

It's gonna be dark there soon.
Her phone's

dead, she's been
off radar for... eleven hours.

- Team on the ground?
- Pascal Bodin;

embassy guide, he's only just begun
to put a search party together.

To leave at first light....

Last known point
of contact was north

of the Urutu hunting grounds, and
it's just too much ground to cover.

Only possible by air.

I can't imagine what the board are
gonna say when they'll find out.

Well, let's just hope
we'll find her then, before they do.

- What's that?
- I grabbed that before we left the camp.

It seemed like the smart thing to do.

It looks like meat.

You're eating your horse?

It's what she would've wanted.

No, thank you.

People're gonna be
worried sick about me.

What about you, Mr Hooten,
anyone worrying about you?

No mister!

And I had one friend,
I've just eaten her.

I think I dropped my hammock
back there, when we were running.

- That was careless.
- We were been chased!

I didn't drop mine.

- You know, you can be very rude.
- Thank you.

- It wasn't a compliment.
- Look, Lady, I don't wanna be here

with you anymore than you wanna
be here with me. So let's just...

get some sleep and we'll say
our goodbyes in the morning.

- Fine.
- There's a supply post

four miles north of here,
you can drop me off there.

Nope, sorry.

What?

I'll be heading south.

With my boat.

- South?
- I was being given directions

by the Urutu tribe, before
we were so rudely interrupted.

There's a high ridge,
south from here, and I think

that's where Fawcett's
made his camp.

So you can drop me off first.

In the opposite direction,
that's hardly practical.

You can stay here or you can
walk to your supply camp...

You want me to hack my way
through four miles of dense jungle?

I cannot tell you how many people
tried to talk me out of

coming to the Amazon, Mr Hooten.

They said that it was impossible,
that I was doomed for failure...

I am not returning empty-handed.

It's a little selfish.

That very much depends
on your point of view.

You have a hammock, I have a boat.

Now, I can either collect you
on my way back,

or you could come with me,
it's your choice.

Not much as a choice.

Not my problem.

Great, why not?

Let's go find the dead Victorian guy.

- Sleep tight.
- I will.

Phone company's confirmed.
Her phone is not in use,

and hasn't been for the last 24 hours.

The search team
is getting ready to leave now.

Keep me in the loop.

'Morning!

Are you alright?

Yeah, I though I'd get
the boat loaded up.

How very thoughtful.

Thank you.

You want me to drive?

I can manage.

Suit yourself.

Which way is south?

No, no, you've got to
back it out that way.

That's good.

How much further?

There... should be a hill.

Just out there.

You should know there's
a snake above you. He's really big.

- Of course, there is.
- No, no, no, I'm serious.

You think I'm entirely stupid?

It was a rhetorical question.

Are you sure this is the right place?

How did you, Brits,
conquered half the world anyway?

Just bumping into places?

Aim for Norway, end up in India.

Look, there's a ridge!

Just like the Urutu described.

- It's definitely the next ridge.
- Okay, not funny, now.

Even the goats have shaken
their heads as we passed.

Have faith, Mr Hooten.

This is it! I knew it,
this is Percy's camp!

Look!

It's him.

My...

It's remarkably well preserved.

Would you look at this?

Look.

A... pen?

First slide of history.

Can't you see him?

Sitting here, alone, right here!

Not as vividly as you can.

Knock yourself out.

Mr Hooten?

All done, we can go now.

It's almost dark,
we'll... go in the morning.

Sorry.

It's alright.

It's been 17 hours.

That is not how
I wanted today to end.

So yes, Pascal, yes,

I'm more... than a little concerned,

and, you know, it doesn't help
in the least you telling me not to be.

We'll try again at first light.

I'll be here.

Okay.

Perhaps we should think
about telling her family.

Her fiancé.

Alright, let's get out of here.

Do you think we should
bury him or something?

I don't know, just... cover him
with a blanket or something.

I think so.

You broke his arm off.

- I didn't mean to!
- Poor guy has been laying there,

minding his own business
for the better part of a hundred years.

You come along and
you rip his arm off.

- You told me to cover him up!
- I didn't tell you.

I thought it was
the decent thing to do!

- Are you always that annoying?
- Always!

- You can just...
- I'll...

... leave it there.

Okay.

There's something in is hand.

I think it's a map.

I think this is telling us
where the lost city is.

You know how many
treasure maps I followed?

They don't tend to end well.

It isn't just treasure,
this is an entire city!

A city so full of gold,

that its inhabitants used to
grind it down into powder and then blow it

with these hollow canes
to paint each other's bodies.

Eldorado means
quite literally gilded man!

It says that the start point
is in Madre de Dios.

This will appear alright.

I don't know anyone who's
ever been there on foot.

Well, then we will be
the first people there!

What do you mean, we?

How did we become a we?

You can't just take someone

and turn them into a we
without their permission.

I am giving you the opportunity

to discover
the... the lost city of gold.

Yeah, and if we find it,
what's my cut?

We are on the verge
of finding evidence

that proves this-this
ancient civilization,

that people have spent-
centuries

searching for and
all you're interested in is,

"What's my cut?"

Pretty much.

- Ten percent.
- Fifty-fifty.

Straight down the middle.

- I need to tell my team what I found.
- Fine.

That store I told you about
is about four hours down river.

We could pick up provisions

and you could tell your team
whatever you want.

I have first choice of anything with
historical or cultural significance.

I have first choice of anything that
looks easy to melt down into money.

Thank you, Percy.

Sorry about the arm!

Hola, Hooten!

- Hola, Alice.
- How are you doing?

- Shit.
- What I can get... you?

- A beer first, and then I got a list.
- Am I on it?

Right at the top.

Sorry to... interrupt.

Do you have access to
any kind of telephone here?

Sure. We have Skype and Facetime.

- Knock yourself out.
- Thank you.

Pascal!

Thank heavens, where are you?

No, look, I need you to call Ella,
tell her everything is okay,

and ask her to tell Edward too.

Yes, but we need to get you back.
Give me a location.

No, no, no, look,
wait. I have something

far more exciting
to show you first. Look.

I think it shows
where the lost city is.

So I'm getting provisions
to head there now.

Any word on our missing lady?

Anything?

No, nothing.

I'm just refilling
and we're good to go.

Right. I will be out in a minute.

That was Pascal.

It's still no news.

He said that they do a final sweep,

- but...
- But what?

Then he thinks we should
consider calling off the search party.

Thank you very much.

Here.

So...

How long do you know Hooten?

- Not very long.
- You slept with him yet?

No, I have not!

So he hasn't asked you.

I can assure you,
it wouldn't make the slightest

- bit of difference if he had.
- Stop your lapping, there's a break

in the clouds. Let's go.

Hasta luego, Hooten.

Until next time.

No, thank you.

- That was very rude!
- What?

Barking at me like that
that it was time to go.

I wasn't barking at you.

I felt like I was being summoned.

The boat's loaded up and ready to go.

I'd just appreciate
a little bit of courtesy, that's all.

Is that so difficult?

You're just very truculent.

That's not even a word.

Hostile, and... antagonistic.

Hooten!

- Put me down!
- No!

I am not... antagonistic.

OK, gentlemen, I'll take the chopper
and you follow the river, south!

Keep in radio contact, okay?

Let's go, Doug.

Look up for an inlet.

Mmh!

Is that absolutely necessary?

You kidding me? This is
where all the flavour is.

You should try it.

No, thank you.

Water?

I'm good.

Where is the water?

In my bag.

Unbelievable!

This is why the Urutu were
chasing us, you stole it, again!

I didn't steal it again.

This is the first time.

Isn't that splitting hairs, rather?

Splitting hairs!

They killed Clara and
beat me half to death.

And, they were about
to stake you over an ant's nest.

Yes, but all of that only happened

because of what you did!

None of this

would've happened if you hadn't
stolen the skull in the first place!

And then we escape by
the skin of our teeth,

and you just go right ahead
and steal it again!

I didn't steal anything.

Well, now I did.

Don't give me that, don't give me that.

You grave robber.

- What?!
- Wrenching that map

from his cold dead hands...

- That is hardly the same thing.
- No,

you're right, it's worse.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

And you broke his arm off.

You know, everyone
has the right to be stupid,

Mr Hooten, but you
really abuse it.

Now where are you going?

I know it's close, I'll
find it without you.

Okay, well, have fun with the snakes

and the spiders,
and the... flesh eating bugs.

And the 10,000
other things,

besides me, that could
kill you out there.

- I will!
- I give you about an hour

before you come crawling back.

Mr Hooten?

Mr Hooten, please!

Wow...

Less than a minute.

Wow...

Need a little help?

If it's not too much trouble.

Apologize first.

- What?!
- For calling me a thief.

Do you mind terribly
if we do this later?

Yes, you won't apologize later.

You're actually serious, aren't you?

No, I'm just bored.

Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine,
I apologize.

For?

For calling you a thief.

You're trying to think
of something else, aren't you?

Well, it seems too good
an opportunity to miss.

God, you are...

such a...

dickhead!

Apology accepted.

Wow!

Alright.

Give me your hand.

Come on.

Come on, you gotta
meet me halfway.

I got you, I got you.

Anything broken?

No, I don't think so.

Could you get off me, please?

Aw...

Look!

Land us down there.

God bless Percy Fawcett!

God bless your British Museum!

Hooten. Try not to move.

Are you kidding me?
Somebody's shooting at me!

Pascal?

Wait...

So you know this guy?

What I'm saying? Of course
you know him, he shot me.

Yeah, okay.

Why are you doing this, Pascal?

Why? Well, to prevent you from
ruining Percy Fawcett's memory.

- Really?
- No.

- For the money, stupid.
- Aw!

That, and the fact I've been attached to
your embassy as a guide for three years.

Wait, if he's pissed off at you,
what is he shooting me for?

Three years of taking
orders from the English.

I'm a French man, you figure it out.

- Why didn't you shoot her?
- Charming!

And he's French!
I didn't see that coming.

Aw!

If we make it out of this,

quite a story for you
to tell the museum.

If we make it, I doubt I should
be allowed back there.

How come?

I promised them... rather a lot.

Persuaded them to have faith in me,

and I've done nothing
but make a mess of it all.

Look, it could be worse.

How?

Look, for what it's worth,
you've been pretty amazing.

You've got some balls.

Thank you. You think?

You're only half as annoying
as most of the Brits I meet.

Well, you're not the most
annoying American I've ever met.

Sorry for the inconvenience,
Lady Alexandra.

Just bad form.

Lady?!

It's a just a tittle. I never use it.

- No shit! You're like a real Lady?
- Does it matter?

You said you worked
for the British Museum.

I do!

I see, right.
Because I'm a Lady,

you think I sit around all day, being
waited on the hand and foot by a butler.

- You've actually got a butler?
- No!

Okay, no, yes, fine,
that's exactly what I do.

And I... generally travel
everywhere by horse and carriage.

I wear lace, gloves and a bonnet.

Do you know the Queen?

Pascal!

Pascal!

Douglas, you have to help us!

- What's going on?
- Quickly, quickly!

My...

My God!

Room for more gold.

Can you reach those rocks
by your feet?

What?

What? Where?

Shit!

Pascal, we've had another call
from the museum asking for an update.

What's your position? Over.

Aw...

Come on, quickly!

He's coming back!

You need to come with me.

No!

There's a search party
looking for you. Get up!

Once they'll find you,

they'll go home.

I'll drop you off.

Hey, Pepe Le Pew?

How about you untie me
so I can kick your ass?

No, don't!

Look, I'll go with you,
just don't hurt him.

Where's he gonna go?

Well, at least you will have
the famous lost city of Z to look at

while you'll bleed to death.

Now come.

Hurry!

- Hurry!
- "Zee."

Get in. Quick.

You'll never
gonna get away with this.

Hooten!

That's no way to treat a Lady!

I could use a little help here!

No shit.

Not that kind of help.

Lay down!

Hooten!

Argh.

Jump!

- Don't be ridiculous!
- Trust me.

Jump!

Merde...

Wow!

Yay!

That was great.

You're alright?

What are you doing?

What do you mean? Nothing.

- You... puckered.
- No, I didn't.

You definitely puckered.

- I did no such thing!
- I get it.

Hero saves the girl,
and she puts out.

Nothing like a happy ending
to get those hormones pump in.

Happy ending?

Happy ending?!

I found the Urutu tribe,

and they were gonna show me
what it is I came here for

in the first place.
And then, you show up,

and I'm dangling
upside down, I've been

surrounded to be
eaten alive by fire ants.

I've been chased
by an angry tribe, and having

arrows fired at me,

and then I'm... tied up again,
and then I'm kidnapped,

and I jumped out
of a bloody helicopter!

- Alright.
- Now, you're accusing me

of trying to kiss you! Define "Happy"!

Don't you think
the Lady protests too much?

Actually, the correct quotation is

"The Lady does protest
too much, methinks?"

- I'm glad you agree.
- You're so...

- Handsome?
- In-furiating!

Great. No gold, no skull,
and I've been shot.

But...

we still have Percy's map though.

We know the start point is
at the Madre de Dios.

Yeah!

Then we fell down a mountain.

Not to mention
our little helicopter ride.

It was impossible with
Percy's map, not along without it.

To find that place again,
you'd need to sent in the bulldozers.

Labor the entire Rain Forest.

Well, look, it's not all bad, is it?
I still have all of Percy's things.

Great...

You loose us a city made of gold,
but you still got

- "Percy's things".
- So it's all my fault?

- That's what I said.
- I think that you're forgetting

that I've probably saved your life.

Save my life? You got me shot!

It sounds a bit intense
for a first field trip.

Nonsense!
It was terribly exciting.

Well, at least tell me all about it,

- on monday.
- Monday, lovely.

This place is... buzzing
because of you.

Well, us.

- I'm sorry about Pascal.
- It wasn't your fault.

No, I have made a note
not to book anymore

homicidal French men
as your guides in the future.

- Great, thank you so much.
- Absolutely not.

- Very thoughtful.
- Yes.

So, no Edward tonight?

No, he had an... emergency at work.

You shared all glory
details of your trip with him?

Edited highlights.

And this Hooten chap, what's he like?

He's a tad rough around the edges.

Is he here?

No, he...

- This isn't his kind of thing.
- Yeah, I assume he was...*

You have something for me?

_

You're hurt.

You want me to stay?

_

_

All I wanted was a quick
under the radar flight to Rome.

- I'm on a mission from God.
- Two minutes,

and already, I wanna
punch you in the face.

I'm talking about
the book that guided the kings

and emperors of Rome.

- My mother is here.
- You don't look like your mother.

She's very elegant and refined...

Alex, how close are you to Capitoline hill?

When you say "under the temple"...

You mean... under under?

I bet it's the mob.

Aw...

Aw...

The next one is in your head.