Hooten & the Lady (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Egypt - full transcript

When Alex travels to Egypt she once again teams up with Hooten, this time to try and find the long-lost tomb of Alexander the Great - but the intrepid pair soon discover that some unscrupulous locals are on their trail.

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This region,
South of Saqqara,

may appear just baren desert.

Once we combine the satellite's
high-resolution cameras

with infrared technology,

the city's true boundaries
are finally revealed.

Note the significant structure

at the end of this avenue,

which my research indicates

is the Ala shrine.

Which contains the key
to the location

of the long lost tomb

of Alexander the Great.

Time is of the essence.

permit me to excavate
and I can prove it.


You must be so frustrated.

I can't believe he said no.

The evidence is overwhelming.

Apparently computer graphics

can be easily faked.

We are the British Museum.

This technology costs a fortune.

Is Mr Hooten any help?

Not today,
he's back at the hotel.

Target Gohar.
He's head of Antiquities there.

I went to Cambridge with him.
Tell him GG sent you.

"Gee-gee"? Is that a horse?

Uh... No, no,

as in... Ganja Girl?

And I'm not suggesting you take him

hash cakes.
He'll definitely remember me.

And it might get you
an audience with him.

You are my secret weapon.
Thank you, Ella.

You learn
something new every day.

The shrine is here,
I'm sure of it.

All the evidence suggests it was
burried in earthquake of 946.

I do not doubt your
research, Lady Alex.

But my hands are tied.

Doctor Yannaras and his team
are already excavating this area.

They're digging in the wrong place.

We need to protect this new
site immediately, before some...

criminal low life comes along

- _
- and desecrates it for their own...

squalid mercenary ends.

It's okay. I'm an archeologist.

- What's happening?
- Is it militants?

Doctor, remain inside,
let us deal with this.


- Alex!
- I know you're bored,

but I'm busy trying to get clearance
to excavate the site.

No need, I skipped that stage!

You did what?

- Why can I hear gunfire?
- 'Cause I'm being shot at.

I said, stay in the hotel!
What have you done?!

Funny story. You know that shrine

entrance you said was here?

It isn't where
you frickin' said it was.

Never mind. I never
doubted you for a second.

Take cover!

Professor Gohar!

As-salam Aleikum

- Lady Alexandra.
- Doctor Yannaras.

On behalf of the Greek government, I...

I trust you will be
extending our site

to include this exciting
new discovery?

Unfortunately I've already applied

to excavate this site
on behalf of the British Museum.

To display as many treasures

Lord Eldon's stolen mangos, no doubt.

She knows you too well, Doctor.

Thank you.

Lady Alex is here as my guest only.

No permits have been issued yet.

But... We'll find an equitable
solution, I'm sure.

No sign of the intruder.

And no other exists.

But he must be burried in the rubble.

A fitting end for one so worthless.

Thank you, captain.

Ehm... Shall we?

Alexander the Great.

His final resting place.

Until 641 AD, yes.

When the Arabs occupied this country

the Persians moved his body
to another secret temple.


Careful. This is not
your grandmother's couch.


A soldier, man servant.

- No one of rank.
- What did you expect?

I told you, Alexander was moved.

He might have been.

I'd prefer to confirm that for myself.

There is a second coffin
in the antechamber.

- Mm-mm.
- Come.

Mummified corpses weren't
laid on caftans.

I'd get out now, before
Yannaras remembers that.

What are you doing?

Besides finding your shrine?

You nearly destroyed it.

What kind of person uses explosives
to excavate a secret site?

A pretty damn successful one.

And we gotta be first to find the key to
all the treasure in Alexander's tomb.

I knew employing you was a mistake.

You can always just give me a
finders fee and we can call it quits.

I thought so.

Go get me one of those guards
and disctract the others.



Not even a body.

Perhaps the looter did
manage to survive after all.

Notify your Captain.

I want this temple
searched again thoroughly.

Ehm, hi! Uh...

I think I left my sunglasses
in the main chamber.

Would you mind looking for them for me?
Thank you so much.

Uh... this is, uh, an
intriguing... anomaly.

Possibly a clue to... understanding
the secrets of this shrine.

The elephant in the battle scene

signifies that
Alexander's opponent was

King Porus of the Punjabi region.

Uh, but if we, uh, look more
closely at these soldiers

that Alexander is fighting, it's...

quite clear that
their uniforms are

- Per...
- Persian.

Not Punjabi.


Darius of Persia fought
only with horses.

That must mean something.

We should examine the symbolic...

...of the Persian artefacts

Every frieze, every fresco...

possibly a clue
to understand the secrets...

Over here!

You snooze, you lose!

Let's hope the only thing he stole
was that uniform.


Your hopes are misplaced.


The medaillon from the shield.

Telling you, Samir, this woman is
seriously hazardous to my health.

Every time we're together
some nutjob tries to kill me

but does she gives a rat's ass?

I am thinking no.

- Damn straight.
- And, thanks.

Once she's got what she wants
I'm totally dispensable.

And that's cold, right?

But also a little hot.

I think maybe this is really a problem.

You need to put that money away
unless you are looking for trouble.

What kind of trouble
did you have in mind?

- I'm not a hooker.
- Me neither.

- Except for this one time in Caracas.
- Oh yeah.

There was another time in Amsterdam.

Name's Hooten.


- You won't get me drunk.
- Yes, I will.

Let's just roll the dice and
see what happens, huh?

Did you rob a bank or something?

I stole a jeep.

Then I sold it.

Come on, come on.

Well, maybe you'll get lucky
another way, huh?

Maybe I will.

- Where did you get that?
- Same place as the jeep.

We're not finished yet.

All the money, yeah?

For this.

Highest number,
winner takes all, yeah?

Are you sure?

The medaillon looks priceless.

Yeah, and if I win,
things could get ugly

so you might wanna get out of here,
get some wheels,

and keep the engine
running. Just in case.

Crazy man.

Good luck.

You're first, Slim.

Come on baby, don't let me down now.

Tough break, brother.

But, you know,
we've all had bad beats.

You've just...

persuaded me to leave the money
and the medaillon and walk away.

All right, I don't want any trouble.


Can't blame a guy for trying.


You call this a gettaway vehicle?

Like I can afford a car!

If this thing doesn't go any faster,
we're in big trouble.

Sorry to interrupt.

But you and I need to talk alone.

So if you can ask you
new friend to go.

Nice tatoo by the way.

- Is that a poenix?
- Who the hell is this?

I'm his wife!

- Okay.
- Look, you tell her that darling, funny.

Melina, she is not my wife.
Just give me a minute, okay?

Take as long as you like,
I'm out of here.

You are not my wife.

Well, I was about to get laid,
so this better be good.

Where's the medaillon?

I know you took it. Just please God
say you haven't sold it yet.

I borrowed it.

So a friend of mine can make
some cheap knock-offs.

The treasure in Alexander's tomb
is worth over a billion dollars.

What do you think I'm doing here?

I think you're
jeopardizing our discovery

for the sake of a
petty little scam.

I owed him a favor. He's got
kids, he needs the money.

That's very laudable,
but now we have a problem

- in the form of that stolen medaillon.
- No. What we have,

is a crucial piece of the puzzle
which our opponents don't.

Which means, we can
find the tomb first.

You're welcome.

I mean, technically speaking,

they're our partners so I'm...

I'm morally obliged
to share any new...


Tenichally speaking, they're
not my partners, you are.

Don't you wanna be
the one to find it?

Oh, don't prentend like
we're not doing this.

Did that woman see this,
did you show it to her?

Yeah. But she was into me
long before that.

Did you ask yourself why?

I mean, would I really have to?

There is an ancient Greek society
called the Filiki Eteria.

Its members have been searching
for Alexander's tomb for centuries.


Still not seeing the connection.

Its symbol is a Phoenix.

Oh, come on.
You can't even give me that?

It bugged you, didn't it?
Seeing me and her...

about to touch belly buttons...

Uh... It was fairly
nauseating, actually.

No... there's a
definite subtext.

Is it saying
"Don't blow your own trumpet"?

You should just...
be careful.


There's some kind of Hieratic text
on its rim. It's very unusual.

Yeah, it's-it's the fusion

of early to middle... demotic, I think?

I'll get you a translation ASAP.

Thank you, Ella.

The medaillon is the key,
I'm sure of it.

Just possessing it

puts you at risk. So, make sure
that... lump of a hunk

keeps close guard, okay?

Trust me, we're safer apart.

Always carry an insect repellent.

Just one squirt in the eye...
it never fails.

It's an important find, Alex.

But we can't have our employees

blowing up sites and
looting the content!

I know. He's just a bit
of a loose canon.

Do you want me to
cancel his contract?

No, on the contrary.

His unortodox methods are
proven be rather successful.

But just make certain that our

association with him
remains discreet.

Can't risk being compromised.
Or held accountable.

Hooten. Hey.


I thought I would come back
and give you a second chance.

Make sure you're okay.

And to get the medaillon, of course.

You wanna tell me
where you've hidden it?

It's going to hurt like hell...

if you don't.

It's not here.

He must have given it to the girl.

Try next door. Go.

No, she checked out!

We had a fight.
She's at the Hilton.

He's lying.
Quickly, go!


I expected better.

Watch out, Alex!

Keep your mouth shut!

What's happening?

Talk to me!

Please, just shut up!

- Incoming!
- Huh.

Oh, my God.

A bit handicapped here.
I think one of them has the key.

- Where...
- I do.

Come and get it.

FYI,*** get ready,
you might wanna bring your A game.

Yes, thank you.

That's your A game?

Nice pyjamas.

Oh my God.




Alex, the...
dropped something.


She should have let me
seduce it from you.

It's your loss.


I'm not all bad.

You hide it in your pyjamas,

of all the places?

Well, I had to put it somewhere.
He didn't really give me much time!

If we don't get it back,
you owe me a billion dollars.

It's only worth that in the shrine.

And if Ella can translate
the text from its rim,

then we might not need it at all.

That's hotel property.

Put it on expenses.

This guy's gonna tell me where
Milena is and I'm taking her down.

Nobody handcuffs me to a bed
without an agreed safeword.

Disturbing as that is...

I'm saying it's just not necessary.
We can just...

- get to the shrine.
- What if you're wrong?

Oh, just entertain the possibility
for once in your life!

What if you can't crack it and you
need the medaillon, then what?


Just remember that you...

work for the Museum,
not the... Mafia.

I'll check in with Ella
on my way to the shrine.

I'll be your dance partner this evening.

- Hey.
- Mmh.

- So. Progress?
- Mm-mm.

"Grave in starlight"

- "shields the sire."
- Mmh-mm.

Let's hope Alex can make sense of it.

How you doin'?

You ready to spill yet?

See, the thnig is I need
to get to Melina fast.

So, to speed things up
I thought I just...

set these sheets on fire.

- You won't kill me.
- No.

But the ground probably will.

No, wait!


I'll tell you, all right?

Put it out. All right?

I'm listening.

So, Melina
was working for you.

Your employee stole it first.

No, Hooten was acting for himself.
I would never sanction theft.

Nor sneaked in here
at night, so I could

claim the location for myself.

Filiki is a more noble cause
than that, surely.

You don't understand.

My country is drowning in a sea
of debt we can't possibly repay.

Even Alexander's billions
can't cover that amount.

But finding his body...

would save our soul.

Restore our people's pride
and self-respect.

Remind us of who we once were.

A nation with dignity.

And honour.

I think,

you're gonna help me return
that much to us at least.

You know this is the key.

- We ought to wait for Professor...
- No, no, no, no, you can't wait.

Nor can I.
It's what we live for.

And you are so close now.

Solve it now, tonight, and present
him with your triumph.

The tomb...

of Alexander.

And reap the accolades
for yourself

and your museum.


You need to walk away
while you still can.

Last chance.

Let's roll the dice.

See what happens.

I'm sorry but I can't have you

screwing everything up
or getting killed.

It's for your own good, okay?

Why do you think I didn't load it?

Lets go somewhere quiet
and have a little chat.

Starting with where is my medaillon.

No, wait, you don't understand!

Your stalling untill your
mob gets here?

No, you idiot!

I'm not part of the Filiki.

I'm a cop, okay?

I am Sergeant Kakones.
Athens' police.

We've been traking Yannaras
and the brotherhood for years.

They are... fanatics

who believe that the body of Alexander
will help them excite our nation into war.

Woah, wait a minute.
You didn't get back the medaillon.

It's okay. We are monitoring

his movements with
the Egyptian authorities.

We have men in place waiting.

Oh, you mean those
soldiers at the site.

No, no, they are not ours.

They are Greek mercenaries.

Part of the Filiki.

They answer only to Yannaras.

According to Ella,

this means "the grave in starlight
shields the sire."

As you requested, Lady Alex,
the site is now sealed.

Thank you, Captain.

Look at the grave. A star!

Something's moving inside.

Gentlemen, the lid please.

This is it!

That's another chamber!

Oi. Oi, look here.


King is finished.

It's a puzzle.

Like an ancient chess board.

No answer.

There is no reception in the shrine.

Stay down. Don't worry,

Yannaras won't kill her until
he discovers the location of the tomb.

It might be difficult to solve
even with the medaillon.

She'll solve it.

The ancient city
of Alexandria was built

on a grid system.
A bit like a chess board.

The lighthouse...


- the beginning of that original grid.
- Ingenious.

These paintings... represent
different chess figures.

It's the anomalies in
the frescos upstairs,

those aren't depictions
of battle scenes, they-they're

the final moves of
a Persian chess game.

Or, the equivalent.

So... these holes must
be for the spears.

Gold... would be king.

And if the elphant
represents the bishop,

The chariot would be the rook.

So then we just have to...

move the pieces,
finish the game.

And, where the king falls,

that's where the tomb
of Alexander lies.


All right,
you take me in as your hostage,

we'll take these
guards out together.

are you still alive, huh?

These people have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.

Just give me your watch
and wait here.

You wanna save her, or not?
Give me your watch.


has retreated to behind a soldier.

Castle takes bishop.

And then...

the casle protects his king.

Bishop advances.


So we have it.

The Attarine Mosque.

Hooten came looking for me.

But he won't be getting
in the way anymore.

I killed him.

It looks a lot better
on me, don't you think?

Don't worry, princess.

You'll be reunited very soon.


What if... What if she had tricked you
and the tomb is really somewhere else?

Don't kill her until we find out.


Yannaras, come back!

Yannaras, don't close the door,
please, you need me.

Yannaras, please, come back!

Please don't lock me
in the temple.

Help me.

Hey! Can I take this? I deserve
something for Hooten, surely.

Love what you've
done with the place!

It's very cosy.

She told me you were dead!

I knew there was a bitter subtext.

Perfectly natural,

genuine moment, ruined!

Uh, we gotta go.
They got a hell of a headstart.

Yes, but in the wrong location.

What do you mean?

I switched the grid around. Ehm...

This is the actual, it's the real
location of Alexander's tomb.

It's a old part of Alexandria that
was destroyed in the earthquake.

- That's a good thing, right?
- Yes. A very good thing.

You do know how to dive, don't you?

Lady Alex. I've been
trying to contact you.

But Yannaras said you had relinquished all
claims and were returning to England.

I'm heading West
towards Alexander Tomb.

I need authorization
to dive there but

we can fill out the forms later.

Bureaucratic bullshit.

No, no, no. His tomb is
under the Attarine Mosque.

Doctor Yannaras told me
he cracked the code.

No, he only thinks he has.

I gave him the wrong coordinates.

Just... Before he tried
to kill me in the shrine.

He did what?!

I'm sending you the real
site reference now,

but you need to get Police there
quickly. It will need protecting.

Uh, as well as, uh,
one sergeant...

Melina Kakones,
she's a Greek police officer.

She's working undercover.
Once he realises he's been tricked,

she'll be in danger, too.

Thank you, Lady Alex.

It's fine, just call the police.

You can rely on me, of course.

I'm glad at least one of us knows
where our true loyalties lie.

I think

my percentage...
just went up.

I found a tunnel.

It's narrow as hell and pitch black
but it goes right under the rock face.

Am I speaking out loud?

Yeah, I'm listening, I'm
just looking for the police.

Yeah, we go without them.
They have the coordinates.

You wanna be the first
to find it, right?

They are ennemies of Greece.

They don't look like the police.

No, it's Yannaras.

They're shooting on us!

No shit! Get your tank and dive.

- How the hell did they know?!
- Well just dive!

Was the gunfire really necessary?


Don't kill her unless you have to.

That's my privilege.

This is it.

Hooten, I think we found it!
This has to be Alexander's tomb.

It's gonna be our tomb too
if we don't hurry up.

This is my favourite bit.

One billion, here we come.

Transporting the treasure out
won't be easy.

Oh, that is the least
of your problems.

More worthless bodies.

There's another room, right?

One with all the riches?

Ah, possibly not, but does it matter?
This is the real price!

It better be.

That's him!

No nose, the emperor Augustus
knocked it off when he visited the tomb!

No, no, no, no, no, wait a
minute, you said he was gold.

And studded with gems!

Yeah, he was!
Until Pharaoh Ptolemy IX

turned him into coinage.

The fortune aspect has been
widly overstated.

Yes, by you.


"Wealth beyond my imagination!"

That was the phrase you used.

Did you ever imagine
a scenario like this?

But that's... lying.

I prefer motivating.
Incentives are very important.

Yeah, y-y-you promised me wealth.

One billion dollars!

The body alone is worth that,
in fact it's priceless!

And think of... the cultural

and historical value,
that's a sort of wealth.

Oh, no... There is no way, no way
you're getting away with this.

Sadly, no.

Once Yannaras and his men
get here, they'll kill us both.

Not if I don't kill you first, and
believe me, lady, I'm thinking about it!

Well you better make up your mind fast,
because they're here.

Hooten please, we cannot
let him take the body,

it's too powerful a symbol.

All right.
Go out there and stall them.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.
That's why I need you to stall them!

Doctor Yannaras, wait!

It's here, the body's here,
Alexander is here.

You can take that
and everything else!

Don't tell him
there's no treasure,

He is already pissed off as it is.

You can take it. If you let us go
you can have everything.

I can do that anyway.

What are you doing?

What's it gonna be, Yannaras?

You kill us...
or save your boy here.

Your choice.

Snuff it out! Quickly!

Alexander must be preserved.


Greece can rise again.

And reclaim the legacy you gave us.

I'm calling that
the Hooten solution.

Sort of an homage thing.

Alexander would be very proud.

If he wasn't in a million pieces,
you mean.

Do I?

The body you blew up had a nose.

Yeah, I switched the bodies
before I came out.

He's still in there.

Somewhere under
all that rubble.

Safest place for him.

Maybe best not to tell the Greeks.

World peace and all that.

Bigger picture probably
best staying ignorant.

Yes, well you're
living proof that works.

That's your way
of saying thanks is it?

For saving your life?

- Again?
- Uh, excuse me,

I think we'll find that
I've saved yours

just as often.
Even if not more, probably.

Why is everything
a competition with you?

Why can't you just say thanks?

Or... "Here is a check for a billion."

- Yeah...
- You still owe me by the way.

Yannaras said you distroyed the body.

Yes, it was... him or us,

Well, I got what I wanted, so...

thank you. And, uh...

No hard feelings...

Oh, don't give him
such an oppening, please!

Nothing a couple of drinks
wouldn't smoothe over.

Okay... As long as, uh,
Alex can join us too.

Is she, uh... Is she seeing
anybody at the moment?

She's getting married.
But, don't you worry,

it's a total sham.

Be her thing for her parents,
you know, society folks.

You are so in there!

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

How soon can you
get to Bhutan?

Explain Bhutan.

It's an ancient scroll, that
Buddha himself may have written.

The Buddha.

The Buddha?

Our Mr Hooten is a bit of a dish.

Is he?

You could finish what you're doing before
we continue having this conversation.

- Help me.
- I'll do my damndest.

Drink the tea.

- Hooten, we have a problem.
- She's poisoned the tea.

How long before this poison kicks in?

I'd say you have
at least a day.

Bring her what she wants and
she'll give you the antidote.

Saddle up, Mary Poppins.

We're going to the mountains.