Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 9 - Bubble, Bubble, Toil and Trouble - full transcript

All right, you're doing
a good job there.

Now do just what I do.

Real gentle, easy strokes.
Perfect. Looks good.

Now go against the grain.

I don't have a grain.

That means you can go both ways.

Oh, don't shave your
lips. Don't do that.

Now, that's what I call a
manly shave right there.

Ar-ar-ar.

Brad stay out of
your mother's stuff.

Just want a hairbrush.



A hairbrush?

You never brush your
hair. What's going on?

It's for his girlfriend,
Jennifer Sadarski.

Shut up, you dink.

Easy, easy.

What does Mom
do with all this junk?

Well, number one, it's not junk.

It's women's stuff.

It's what makes
women different than us.

What's this one for?

She pinches something
with that thing.

Oh, this is for taking her
eye out and cleaning behind it.

Why does Mom
have all this stuff?

Yeah. She always looks the same.



All right, I'm gonna let you
guys in on a little secret...

Women as we know them
are born without a face.

Bull!

Listen to me!

Women are like
a Mr. Potato Head.

Yes. You've heard your
mom say every now and then,

"Excuse me, fellas. I gotta go
upstairs and put my face on."

Huh? She scurries up here
and draws one on with this stuff.

How does she do it?

She outlines it like this...

Yeah, perfect.

Then she fills it in with
this goop right here.

Just like this.

Dad, you look like Nana.

No. If I were Nana, I'd have
the lipstick all over my teeth.

What is it about our bathroom

that fascinates
you guys so much?

It's just way cleaner than ours.

You can leave now. Go
get ready for school. Go on.

Mark, honey...

Oh, ho-ho-ho. Nice lips.

Ew! Excuse me.

Come on, come on.

Excuse me? What is all
this shaving gunk in the sink?

It's not mine,
it's Mark's. Mark!

What I wouldn't give
for two sinks in here.

We've talked about this long enough.
I'm gonna put another sink in this room.

Oh, no, no, no, you're not.

It's not that big a
job. It's a small job.

There is no such thing as
a small job with you, Tim.

First, you'd start with the
sink, and the next thing I know,

you'd be ripping out walls and
running a subway through here.

I'll give you free tickets.

No. Honey, honey,
if we had two sinks,

we wouldn't be able
to snuggle up together

at our one little mutual sink.

Oh, think about
this... with two sinks,

I could set up my sink,
you wanna snuggle,

I'd go over to your sink,
do the snuggle thing,

and take a subway
back to my sink.

Ha-ha-ha. No.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetie. What did
you do to your hair?

Nothing.

Then somebody
put a curse on you.

Mom!

Jennifer Sadarski
told Pete Schybner

that she likes spiked hair.

And does she?

Big time.

Hmm. Well, I think it makes
you look incredibly handsome.

Hey, sharp.

Like my hair?

No. I mean it's sharp.

Funny, Dad.

What is this?

Do you remember when we got married, I
promised to make you a very happy woman?

Yeah. I'm still waiting.

I brought you some
brochures from Sinks "R" Us.

You just don't quit, do you?

And to go along
with those sinks,

all the materials needed to
make the bathroom of your dreams.

Tim, we are not gonna remodel the
bathroom. It's fine just the way it is.

Jill, in five short days,
no muss, no fuss,

I can put in two sinks,
a couple of mirrors,

even a little make-up area

where you can apply
whatever gook you want.

I am not interested.

Including a brand-new whirlpool.

A whirlpool.

That is right, Mrs. Taylor.

Let the six jets of
the Turbomatic 5,000

simultaneously
massage your cares away

and clean those dirty pores.

The perfect place
to rest and relax

after managing that horrible
family you call the Taylors.

Oh, Tim, I would love to
have this dream bathroom.

Oh, look at that one.

But, no. There's no
way we can afford this.

This can be a special Tool
Time project remodeling,

and they can use our bathroom,

which means they will pay for all of
the labor and almost half of the materials.

They'd pay for it?

Yes.

What's to think about?

We've always wanted
this done, they'd pay for it.

Let me do this for you.

Will Al be here?

I don't see what that
has to do with anything.

Will Al be here?

I want you to listen to me.

Al is my assistant.
He assists me.

Yeah, I know. Will he be here?

Yes.

And I can have anything I want?

Anything you want.

Ooh. What if I decide that
I just want you right now?

Well, it'd be difficult
without Al here to assist me.

Hey, give it back, dog breath!

"I think you're really cute,
and I love your spiked hair."

Randy, give me that.
Come on. Hey, hey, hey!

It's all right. It's all right.

It even smells like a girl.

So do you!

So do you! So do you!

Hey, guys, guys! Come
on. Brad, this is so sweet.

You know, I wore this same
perfume when I was a little girl.

It's called "Tinkerbell."

I think you found a
very special young lady.

I think she found a very
special case of cooties!

Randy! Hey, Mark,
where you going?

I thought you were
gonna help me.

Mom, I'd like to
watch 'em fight.

Jeez. All right.
Bathroom's up to your left.

Holler when you get all
set up. Jill this is so exciting.

We're about ready
to start the show.

I'm gonna need that sample
tile we picked out last night.

I changed my mind.

No, we decided on Misty Mint.

I hate Misty Mint.

Honey, you been through a
thousand samples in three days.

You're losin' it.

I got a show to do, we
got to get a tile sample.

You gotta make a decision.

I can't. Which one of
these colors do you like?

I don't care.

I do care. I do.
Oh, boy, do I care.

Which one of these
colors do you like?

Jeez.

These are different colors?

Apricot, peach, cantaloupe,
loquat and cumquat.

Put 'em all together, have
a fruit salad in the bathroom.

No. Tim, we gotta live with these
colors for the rest of our lives.

How long could that be?

All right, you can just take your
gear right on up to the bathroom.

Al, maybe you can help me.

Oh, like he's gonna
know anything.

Come here. Come here, come here.

Which one of these
colors do you like?

I like the loquat
or the cumquat.

Oh, come off of it, Al. Like you can
tell the difference with these colors.

Yes, I can, Tim.

The loquat is sunnier,

yet understated in a
non-threatening way.

Hi. Welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim Taylor, your host.

Today is a special program.
It takes place in my own home.

Here's my lovely wife Jill.

And, of course, we
all know my assistant.

Howdy. Doody.

Ha-ha-ha. Follow me this way.

We're gonna be doing a five-day
redecoration of my own bathroom.

Before we get started, let's meet
our master plumber, Felix Myman.

Glad to be here, Tim.

Good to have you, Felix.

Al, let's get to work.

All right. As you can see,

we've taken out our
old vanity and sink,

and we'll be replacing it
with a new double-sink model.

That's right, Al, and we'll be
covering that sink and backsplash

with this lovely
pinkish sort of tile.

I believe that shade
is called cumquat.

It's ephemeral yet graceful.

Just like you, Al.

We removed the vanity,

and I found out I had
existing galvanized pipes

where I wanna redo
those with new copper.

In order to do that, I have to
remove this section of the wall.

And for that, I decided
to use a 20-pound sledge.

Tim, I think you might
wanna use our saber saw here

to cut out that piece of wall.

That might make a
cleaner, more efficient cut,

but what would
be the fun in that?

Part of the fun of home remodeling
is taking out some aggressions,

and there's no better way to do
that than using a 20-pound sledge.

Give way, Al.

Well, Tim...

Al...

You wanna be careful
when you're using a sledge...

I know that, Al.

Not to go all the
way through the wall.

Why would I do that, Al?

Al, Al, did I get that piece of
sausage out of my front tooth?

Yes, you did, Tim.

Dad...

I think Mom's getting
ready to scream again.

Oh, no, she saw that
concrete spill in hallway.

No, we made
Mark lie on top of it.

Don't you worry about Mom.

Once she sees this whirlpool,

she won't be thinking
about anything else.

Ahem.

About ready to go? Yep.

In 5, 4...

Boy, that sausage was spicy.

3, 2, 1.

We're in the final step
of our bathroom redo,

and that's where we install
this beautiful whirlpool bath.

To do that, we take it out of the
crate, we march it through this door,

on upstairs, and we plumb
it with Felix, our plumber.

There's Felix right now. Hey.

Hey, Tim. We can't get
the whirlpool up the stairs.

Somebody measured it wrong.

I was the one... Hey,
turn that... get that off.

Hey, I told my wife we'd
have it up there today, today.

Mm. The only way to
get it up in that bathroom

is we got to hoist her
up to the roof... What?

Tear a hole in that
wall and slide her in.

Let us know.

(Jill) Tim!

Well, that'll be
a break. Let's go.

They broke the mirror,

they put the wrong tile
in, we got a cement...

Oh, whoa, whoa. What is this?

This is what will
make it all worthwhile,

your new whirlpool.

Oh, Tim, it is so beautiful.

Look at the color. It's perfect.

Not to mention, seven
adjustable jets, three speeds...

low, medium, and
who needs a man?

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Well...

What are we waiting for?

Let's get the guys and
take it up to the bathroom.

Well, darn it, Jill,
the guys and I

decided not to take it
right up to the bathroom.

Well, how are you
gonna get it up there?

See that little spot up there?
OK, now... picture if you will

looking out of your
new whirlpool tub

through a brand-new
greenhouse window.

All I gotta do is cut a
little hole in the wall there.

Little hole about
the size of this tub?

Just a little bigger
than the tub, actually.

Tim, how could you order a tub

and have no way to
get it in the house?

Because in the catalog,
they're only, like, this big.

Wilson, I need more hose!

Don't we all, Tim?

Just tell me where
the window is.

Back-ordered?! How many
idiots order a greenhouse window

in the middle of November?

What do you mean,
you guess one more?

Dad, what are you
doing on the phone?

I'm expecting a call.

I'll be off in a minute. I
need that window here today.

I live with a very
dangerous woman.

Thank you. Think fast.

Who's calling you so early?

Joey said Jennifer Sadarski

is gonna call me this
morning before school.

Whoa. First call from
a girl. Pretty scary stuff.

You said it.

(rings)

(ring)

Go for it.

Hello?

Sure.

Bye.

She wants to sit
next to me on the bus.

Life is good.

Yes!

Tim, what did you
do to the water?

Nothing. Felix and the crew
ran into a technical problem.

What technical problem?

I don't know. They
had to shut the water off.

But I've got it
covered, don't worry.

I ran a hose from Wilson's yard.
Now we've got running water.

This is freezing cold.

Well, heat it up on
the stove. Oh, God.

Hey, Tim, you know that
water main you busted?

You busted?

I thought you said it
was a technical problem.

Technically, I was
the problem, Jill.

I got good news. We capped
off that geyser in the front yard.

Geyser?!

There is no more geyser.

Of course, your
front yard's flooded.

I'm gonna have a couple men
sandbag that basement window.

Tim, the stove won't
light. What did you do to it?

Nothing.

Oh, that was us. We
had to shut the gas off.

Why?

Well, when you broke
open that water main,

we were afraid you
hit the gas line, too,

so we shut 'em
both off to be safe.

Well, should we worry?

Oh, no, it's not like you're
gonna get blown up or something.

That's it. I'm packing the
bags and going to a motel

until you finish the bathroom
or destroy the house...

It won't take that long
to fix the water main.

All I wanted was your
shaving gunk out of the sink.

A sponge could've done that.

It was gonna be one
day, then five days.

Now it's what? 17 days,
Tim, and what have I got?

I got a hole in the side of the
house, a geyser in the front yard,

no water, subzero temperatures,
and a chance to blow up.

Honey, I think
you're overreacting.

(ticking)

Aah!

Hi-ho, Tim.

Hi, Wilson.

Got your water back on?

Finally. Here's your
end of the hose.

Thank you, neighbor.

Beautiful night, isn't
it? Crisp, clear, cold.

What are you up to?

Just checking the
expanding universe, Tim.

You got a minute?

Cut your boosters, Tim,
come in for a landing.

I did it this time.

Jill took the kids, left me,
and went to a motel with 'em.

Mm-mm-mm.

I don't know what gets into me.

This started out as a simple
project. I'm gonna replace the sink.

Then I had two sinks.

I rip out the wall, boom-bang,

I got pipes everywhere,
water flowing out,

I got water main shut
off, I got... I can't stop this.

Well, Tim, you're
probably just responding

to the visceral
male urge to create.

Visceral. Vis-vis-visceral?

Let's just say gut need.

Yeah, that's exactly
what it feels like.

It's a visceral gut thing.
I like to create, Wilson.

Everything I do, I want
to make bigger and better.

Well, Tim, this
obsessive desire to create

partly happens because
men feel inferior to women.

Uhh?

It's because we
can't bear children.

I don't mind the boys that much.

No, no, no, Tim.

What I mean is, women
can give birth, and we can't.

Yeah, we sure
lucked out on that part.

Well, I don't know.

You were there when
your boys were born.

Birth is a miracle.

Maybe one of the reasons you
get so involved in your projects

is because you want to create
something as wondrous as human life.

That's a neat thought, Wilson.

But the way this
project's going,

I think giving birth
would've been easier.

Tim, I think you have company.

Thank you, Wilson.

Good night, neighbor.

Hi.

Hi.

Thought you and the boys
were staying at that motel.

I was, but every time I
went into the bathroom there

and looked into the sink and
didn't see your shaving stubble,

I got depressed.

I really missed you.

Um, I decided that I'd
rather have you and no water

than water and no you.

Well, now you have us both.
Water's on, and here I am.

I'm sorry I got mad and left.

Oh, it's OK.

You know, it wasn't
you that I was mad at.

It was just the remodel.

Nope, nope.

I can't give birth.

It's a problem in my gut
with a vis-curl thing and...

It's really, really
hard to explain.

Don't try.

Wanna see your new bathroom?

Is it finished?

Well, it didn't come out
exactly like I planned...

but I'm sure it's
not what you want.

(gasps)

The grout's still
a little messy.

Shh! It's perfect.

You really think so?

It's even better than
I imagined. Oh, Tim...

Look at this... bull-nose
tile all along the sink here.

Ooh.

And back here, I was
able to push the closet back

and give you an inset for
all of your perfume bottles.

Oh...

Oh, and that's not the best.

All chrome-plated brass
hinges and fixtures...

Let me just enjoy it.

Oh, look, this is so
lovely with the moonlight.

This is the most romantic
bathroom on earth.

Oh, that's not the
most romantic part.

Watch this. This is truly
a woman's bathroom.

Seat up... flush...

(knocking on door)

(Mark) Mom, when are
you coming out? I'm hungry!

(Brad) It's not funny
anymore, Mom.

(Randy) Mom, you've been
in there for seven hours.

We've run out of
bad things to do.

(Tim) Boys, clear out.
It's time for what now?

(all) More power!!

Yes, all right.
(pounding on door)

(over bullhorn) All right, Mrs. Taylor,
we have that whirlpool surrounded.

Now get out of there!

(pounding on door)

You're turning into a human
prune. Get out of that tub.

(pounding)

Honey, I wait a
week, I start dating.

♪ Ooh-ooh-hoo-hoo ♪

It didn't come out
quite like I planned it...

Well, it didn't come out
exactly like I planned it...

Well, it didn't come out
exactly like I planned it...

Hello?

Oh, there. It's just delayed.

Come on in, honey.
What the hell...