Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 10 - Reach Out and Teach Someone - full transcript

(Jill) Tim, wait. The
sink is still clogged.

I'll get to it in a minute.

Come on out here. I
want you to see this thing.

Well? What do you think?

This is the frame to
a '34 Ford Roadster,

the beginning of
my dream hot rod.

Dad, this thing's awesome.

What's the big deal? It
doesn't even have an engine.

Well, not yet. I gotta build it.

I think I'm gonna...
small-block Chevy 350,

stainless steel
headers, chrome valves,



pink rods, dual
exhaust, glass...

Honey, what do you think?

Well, you finally
got your convertible.

Honey...

Dad, am I gonna be able to help
you work on this thing? You bet.

No, no, Brad, honey, you
have to finish your homework.

Oh, man.

No "oh, mans." Do as she says.

When you finish your homework,
then you can help me. All right.

Hey, Randy, you finish
your homework? Yeah.

Wanna help? No.

Where did I go wrong with him?

Don't worry about
it. He's not yours.

Well? Pretty cool, huh?



Not much pitting.

It's really true and
square. Little bit of rust.

I went through every
junkyard in Detroit to find this.

I paid practically nothing.

You paid too much.

Honey, wait a minute...
You promised me...

This is a dream of
mine... I gotta fix this...

Since I was a kid,
I wanted a hot rod.

Not a pro street
rod, nothing fancy.

Just a driver, man.

When I get done, every
bolt, every weld, every detail

is gonna be built
by these hands.

I'll be part of it.
It'll be part of me.

Honey, I do understand.

Now, I want you to come
in and be part of our sink.

I know it seems like
a rusted piece of junk.

Tim, it is a rusted
piece of junk.

To you, but to me,
it looks like this.

(laughs)

You actually see a
car in that picture?

It's under Rita. Rita.

She's the pro stock girl.

They just use her to
make the car look good.

And a darn fine
job she's doing, too.

Boy, isn't she ever?

What I gotta do is get
the rust off this first.

Sandblast will be
expensive. I'm gonna try that...

What are you doing with those?

I'm gonna unplug the sink.

You can't unplug the sink
with needle-nose pliers.

I'm gonna use the pliers to get
your screwdriver out of the drain.

Why is my screwdriver
in the drain?

I used it to unclog the sink.

What?

You used a screwdriver?

Yeah, well, I tried the
plunger and it didn't work,

so... I decided I
should stab the guck.

Stab the guck with a Binford
nickel-plated screwdriver?

Yeah.

Why don't you just
go back to your hot rod

and let me take care of this?

Ugh. Right.

Next thing you know,

you'll be jamming my
band saw down there.

I might. What's a band saw?

Never mind. I'll get my tools.

Drain. Sink.
Screwdriver. Son of a gun!

Are you guys fighting?

Yes! No.

Honey, it's real
noisy down here.

Why don't you just go upstairs
and finish your homework up there?

Jill... come over here.

I'm going to teach you
some basic plumbing.

No, no, no, Tim.

You are not teaching.

Look, you've got to
learn basic plumbing.

What would happen if I died?

And all the plumbers are dead?

Yes.

Tim, every time you
try to teach me anything,

you get impatient
and you end up yelling.

When was the last
time I yelled at you?

When you showed me how
to assemble the patio furniture.

You snapped the
heads right off the bolts.

You told me to turn the
wrench as hard as I could.

Most people would stop turning
when the wood starts cracking.

I would have heard the wood
cracking if you hadn't been yelling.

I wasn't yelling. You were...

Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!

Plumbing is a very simple...

It's easy to learn if
you just pay attention.

If I pay attention,
will you be patient?

You won't ask any
stupid questions?

Fine. Fine.

OK, first thing we want to do

is remove the trap.

The curved thingy?

Well, that would be
the technical term.

To remove the trap, we
have to have the proper tool.

For that we use the
trusty monkey wrench.

You notice one side is
fixed. It's serrated on both si...

Why do they call it
a monkey wrench?

They call it a monkey wrench
because even a monkey can use it.

Thank you, Cheetah.

OK, now, put the wrench

on the coupling at
the end of the trap.

You mean this thing here?

No, no, no, that
connects the elbow

to the drainpipe and the flange.

Flange. Who comes up
with all these stupid names?

I'm sorry, honey.

It's the little silvery
thingy at the bottom...

You don't have to be
sarcastic, you know.

You're using all
these technical terms.

This is practically baby talk.

Oh, oh, excuse
me. I guess I forgot

that Mark's first three words were
"Mommy," "Daddy," and "flange."

Gimme the wrench. I'll do it.

Fine. You do it.
OK, fine. I will.

At least I know what I'm doing.

(metal dings) Ow!

(Jill) Is that the
coupling or the flange?

That sink's working
pretty good, isn't it?

Uh-huh.

Water's running
freely. No clogs.

Things got kind of heated
between us today, didn't they?

Yeah, they did.

Well, I'd like to clear
the air by apologizing.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Apology accepted.

And you?

And me what?

Don't you want to
apologize to me? For what?

Yelling at me.

But I didn't yell at you.

You yelled at me.

That's 'cause you dropped
a screwdriver down the sink.

I don't think you realize that I
worked two hours on this sink.

I worked two hours on
this sink before you did.

Worked? You just
threw tools down there.

Well, I was trying to fix it.

If you wanted to fix it, you
should learn how to do it properly.

Well, why should
I learn how to do it

when you already know
how to do it properly?

Honey, I thought we shared
responsibilities here. We do.

Well, I learned how
to do the laundry...

separate the colors,
put the fabric softener in.

Wait, wait. Wait a minute.

When was the last time
that you did the laundry, Tim?

You know, that's...
This isn't the point.

The point is, I
learned how to do it.

I don't see you out there
changing spark plugs.

Do you want me to go out
and change spark plugs?

You don't know how to do
it. That's why I don't do it.

Where are you going? Leaving.

I'm not done talking yet.

Well, it's not my fault

that you never learned
how to finish a conversation.

Unh!

Now that we've finished the
construction of our trestle table,

let's begin the
finish and sanding.

Before that, I'm gonna discuss
two different kinds of sanders here...

your belt sander,
which is very powerful

and perfect for
the rough sanding,

and your orbital, or vibrating,
sander, which is smaller

and perfect for putting
in your pocket, right, Al?

I wouldn't know, Tim.

I am kidding about
that. I am kidding.

Never, ever put electrical
devices in your pants.

All right, before
we get going here,

I'd like to ask you fellas
a few questions, if I could.

It is the '90s, and
women expect us

to help a little bit around
the house, don't they?

Maybe we should. Should we?

Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, we should help
around the house, right?

(men) Yeah.

The problem is, women
want us to help with their work,

but do they help with
our work? No. No.

They expect you to do the laundry,
clean the oven, mop the floor, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

You ever see her gap and
change a spark plug? No.

Unclogging a drain? (all) No!

Their excuse is, "Well, you
know about this stuff and I don't.

I could break a nail."

This is an excuse, women, and
you're not the type to have excuses.

You need to be taught,
and I don't think you're stupid

just 'cause you
don't know anything.

No, I didn't... That
didn't come out right.

I don't wanna get any cards
and letters over that, right, Al?

That's Tim Taylor,
care of Tool Time,

P.O. Box 327...

Al, I think they
know the address.

Well, this is gonna be different,
'cause on next week's show,

I've invited a
group of women in,

and I'm gonna teach
them basic home repair

using a simple language
even women can understand.

P.O. Box 32733...

I didn't mean to give the
impression that women are simple.

No, that's not what I mean.

It's not a woman's
fault that they grew up

spending half their time playing
with plastic ovens and dolls

and don't know a thing
about tools, right, Al?

All right, we gotta finish
sanding that table now.

We've got our belt
attached with a rough grip.

We want to plug
the thing in now.

'Course, you wanna be sure the trigger
switch is not locked in the "on" position.

Any idiot knows that.

All right. Good.

Thanks a lot, Dad. That was fun.

Did a good job. Thanks.

Are you ready
for that test today?

I guess so.

What do you mean, you guess so?

It's not fair.

I study twice as
hard as Randy does.

He gets A's and I get C's.

Certain things he does better,
certain things you do better.

You kick his butt in
basketball, don't you? Yeah.

It's the effort you put into things,
not just the grade that counts.

So it's OK if I flunk?

No.

I don't want you living
here when you're 25.

Dad, you wanna shave together
or something? (horn honking)

Dad... I'm kidding.

You're gonna do
fine on that test.

(Jill) The school bus
is here! So long, Dad.

Good luck on your test, honey.

Bye, Mom. Bye-bye.

(phone ringing)

I'll get that.

Hello. Yeah, it's me.

What do you mean, we don't have
any women in the audience today?

Two?

Well, didn't you put up
the address on the screen?

Hate mail?

We gotta have women
in that audience.

I don't care how you do it. I
need a full audience of women.

Thanks, Lisa.

Problem? Huh?

Oh, just a minor setback.

I didn't get the response from the
female viewers I thought I would.

Maybe 'cause they're all home

playing with their
dolls and plastic ovens.

Well, I'm going
down to the studio.

I, for one, am not gonna miss
this very special Tool Time.

You don't have 40 friends
you can bring with you, do you?

Hey, Wilson.

Wilson?

Wilson, you all right?

Just fine, neighbor. Aah!

I see you've met
my scarecrow Oliver.

I always try to flameproof him

before I put him
away for winter.

Wilson, I got a little
problem. Mm-hmm.

I gotta teach a bunch of women some
home-repair tips today on Tool Time.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And
these women worry you?

Well, if they're
anything like Jill, they do.

We got in this big argument when I
tried to teach her some basic plumbing.

Hmm-hmm-hmm.

Just simple stuff, you know...
coupling, flange, the trap.

Well, Tim, I think the problem
might be your metamessage.

That'd be "message" with "meta"
on the front of it. Yessiree Bob.

Two M's, three E's,
two A's, two S's, "T"

and a lonely little "G."

You have an awful
lot of spare time,

don't you, Wilson?

You see, Tim, when
men teach women,

they tend to use
complicated technical terms

to make themselves
appear superior,

thus saying to the
woman, "You are inferior."

That's what I'll do
on Tool Time today.

No metamessages. Keep it simple.

Hi, everybody, and welcome
to this special edition...

"The Ladies of Tool Time."

Hey, normally we get the show
going with a big, hearty grunt

to get those lungs opened up.

Come on, everybody. Ar-ar-ar-ar.

(high-pitched) Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar?

(women) Where's Irma?

I drove all the way from
Lansing to see Cooking With Irma.

Settle down. We played
a little trick on you.

We took the normal
Tool Time audience,

and they're over watching
Cooking With Irma,

and we brought you ladies
in here for a little treat.

Hey, I don't care
about no tools.

I came down here
to learn to cook.

(women) Yeah.

I'm confused.

You mean Irma's
not gonna show us

how to make crab curry?

No, what's gonna happen...

I'm gonna show you how to repair

three very typical
household problems...

(women groan)

Oh, no. A clogged sink, a
bad electrical connection,

the running toilet.

Oh, my God.

Hey, you get to keep those hats.

Those hats are yours.

Hey, there's the spirit.

Oh, we need three
volunteers right away.

I'll volunteer.

OK.

You had your hand up.

Let's get her down with
some applause here.

OK, we need... we
need one more volunteer.

You had your hand up,
didn't you, ma'am? No, I didn't.

You look like the kind of woman
that wants to learn this stuff.

Give her a round of applause.
Get her out here. Come on!

Well, we've got
our three volunteers.

What do you say
we meet our helpers?

Your name?

My name is Greta Post.

OK, Greta, are you married?

No, I'm still looking
for Mr. Right.

How do you feel about beards?

Well, I like them.

Ma'am, your name?

Rita.

You look pretty happy.
You must be happily married.

Yes, but I'm
contemplating a divorce.

Excuse me, ma'am. Your name?

Judith Potter.

Hello, Judith Potter.
Are you married?

22 years to the same slug.

22 years.

And what a happy time
that must have been.

Let's start with you, Greta.

Step over to the sink here.

It's your typical clog.

Al, could we have a little
breathing room in here, please?

(giggles) Excuse me.

Do you want me to get you
a magazine or something, Al?

This is your typical sink clog
with yucky hair and grease,

and I want to thank
the crew of Tool Time

for providing all
that hair and grease.

Thanks, guys. (crew grunts)

Um, am I gonna have to touch it?

Well, yeah, to
get it out of there,

you're gonna have
to yank it out of there.

Would you like me to get
you some gloves, Greta?

Oh, could you, Al?

Right away.

Why don't you get
that picnic basket

and a bottle of wine

while you're back there, Al?

While we're waiting for Al,

maybe Judith can help me
work on this running toilet.

Now, I know it probably
sounds complicated, but it's not.

Take the lid off,
you follow the rod

till you get to this little puffy
ball right on the end here.

Puffy ball? Right on the end.

(laughs)

You mean, the float arm
that's attached to the ball top?

I was trying to make it simple.
Are you saying I'm simple?

No, I'm trying to use a language
we would all understand.

Then you want to take
your flat-tip screwdriver,

make your adjustment...

You don't need all
that. Proper way to...

You don't need all that.
If the toilet is running,

you just grab
the rod... (grunts)

and bend it.

Ouch!

Looks like that's not
the first rod you've bent.

(laughs)

Whoo-hoo. You got that right.

(laughs)

Hey, we can't wait around

for our husbands
to get off the couch

and do something useful, can we?

You're doggone right,
I know it can't happen.

Well, looks like Greta's
got those gloves.

Let's check on
that clog, shall we?

Want to handle that clog?

I can't do this. Oh,
sure you can, Greta.

Would you like to sit
down and rest? What?

Well, I think I would.

Can I get you a soda?

Hey, uh... uh...

You-You, uh, want
me to fix the sink?

No, Judith. You've
done a good job.

You bent that rod
perfectly, you know?

Give her a big round
of applause, everybody!

(cheers and applause)

OK. Well, Rita,

how would you like to
help me unclog this sink?

No, I don't think
it's a good idea.

My husband always
yells at me a lot

when he tries to
teach me something.

That's probably because
he used metamessages.

That's making things sound
more complicated than they are,

using technical jargon to
make women feel inferior.

And I'm sure he didn't
know that he was doing that,

and I'm sure he's real
sorry that he did that.

Well, I wouldn't mind learning

if my husband were as patient

and understanding as you are,

although I must say, um,

he is your biggest fan.

Brad, how'd that test go today?

I tried my best.

Is the grade at least within the
first four letters of the alphabet?

Come on, Brad. How did you do?

I was hoping to get
a "C," but I didn't.

That's all right. Aww.

I got a C-plus!

All right! Good work.

Effort, buddy. The effort.

Nice going, jerk ball.

Thanks a lot, dink.

Get me a soda, will you?

Dad, are we gonna be
able to work on the hot rod?

Yeah, but you gotta go
change your clothes, all right?

All right!

So, um, Tim, you were

a pretty good teacher today.

Well, you were my best student.

I was your only student...

but I really did
learn something,

so I decided to
give you something.

Yeah?

I know how much you like
that picture of the hot rod.

The picture in the
magazine with Rita in it?

Yeah. Really?

So I had it blown
up. What a sport.

Well, looky there, there's
a car in that picture. Yeah!

(imitates engine chugging)

(imitates revving)

Pink slips, pal.

9-grand hole shot.

(imitating shifting
gears, engine roaring)

(imitates grinding
gear) Aw, missed a shift!

(imitates grinding gear) Aw...

(imitates engine roaring)

(chokes) What are you doing?

Ohh!

Just checking out
that frame, honey.

You are not.

You're pretending to drive.

Well, maybe I was.

Is there room for two in there?

Wanna go for a spin?

Love to.

All-leather Recaros.

Ooh.

Thank you so much.
Watch the paint.

Unlock my door, please.

High-output ignition system.

(imitates engine chugging)

(imitates revving)

Pretty nice, huh? Very nice.

(imitates gears
shifting, engine running)

Voom-voom-voom-voom...

(grunts)

Unh?

(grunting)

Hey... Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!