Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 11 - Look Who's Not Talking - full transcript
Jill gets stage fright when she has to deliver a speech.
Brad, come on,
let's go! Hurry up!
Hey, quiet down.
Your mom's up there
trying to write that speech.
She's been working on
that speech for two weeks.
When is she gonna finish?
Maybe never if she doesn't
get some peace and quiet.
(whispers) Quiet.
(whispers) OK, OK.
Brad!
Shh, quiet. What are you doing?
Going to the park to
play Blade Warriors.
Blade Warriors? I don't
like the sound of that.
I've got the net. Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Here.
What's the net for?
(both) Nothing.
These are not "nothing" faces.
This would be a nothing face...
Yeah.
No, no. Come here, come here.
You guys wouldn't be
thinking of going to the park
and snagging kids
in this net, would ya?
Good idea, Dad.
Yeah.
Bad idea. Net stays here.
Brad, I buy safety equipment. I
intend for you to use it, all right?
Is that cologne you're wearing?
This is the stuff you
bought at the car wash.
That's air freshener.
That came with some mud
flaps. You smell like a pina colada.
He's wearing it for
Jennifer Sadarski.
Yeah. Whoa!
Take care of your brother!
Jill, I thought you were
working on that library speech?
I came down to get
something to eat,
and I noticed the
refrigerator light was out.
So?
So I happen to think
it's very important
to have a nice,
bright refrigerator light.
Jill, you're
procrastinating again.
I am not procrastinating.
Ew, look at this refrigerator.
It's filthy. I have
to clean this now.
Jill, why did you agree
to give this speech?
Because I wanna give the speech.
Then why aren't
you working on it?
Because I had to replace
the refrigerator light.
Jill, this is an honor.
Who was it that raised
more than $4,000...
$7,000.
$7,000 for the new computer
system for the library?
I did.
Who got the volunteers
to collect money,
including a hundred
bucks out of me?
I did.
Who's the perfect
person for the speech?
Somebody else.
Jill, it's just a
two-minute speech.
Yeah, but it's to 250 people.
You're making a lot more
out of this than it really is.
That's easy for you to say. You do
this for a living. It doesn't bother you.
You love attention, and
you have a big mouth.
Look, you don't have to do
anything the rest of the day
except breathe and
write that speech.
I'll keep the boys out of your
hair, I'll handle everything,
just try to go upstairs
and finish the speech.
Thank you, sweetie. Got it.
But first, I'm gonna clean the
house, 'cause it's really filthy.
No, you're not
getting off the hook.
Go upstairs, write the
speech, stop procrastinating.
I will clean this
house, top to bottom.
Do you promise you won't
rewire or blow up anything?
Why are you so mean to me?
You really think I
can do this thing?
Yes, of course. You can
do anything you want, Jill.
Nobody thought you could
land me as a husband and...
Well, that's certainly
inspirational.
We've cut all of
our side panels,
and I've finished drilling
the holes for our dowel joints.
If I were to put a
hinge right here, Al,
we'd have a pretty
swinging joint, wouldn't we?
(imitates playing jazz clarinet)
Take it, Al.
I don't think so, Tim.
Anyway, next time, Al and I
will show you how to
complete the entire bookcase.
And that brings us to the
Tool Time tip of the day...
housecleaning.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, I can hear the guys
out there going, "Uhh?"
"Get the wife in here,
Tim, so she can hear this."
No, no, no, men.
Housekeeping, housecleaning,
house taking care of
is like shop maintenance.
It's for men, too.
Men, it's the '90s.
We should share in the
housecleaning responsibilities, right?
I didn't hear anything.
You know, I'm judging,
from the lack of enthusiasm,
that you men are disinterested,
and maybe it's because
they do not design housecleaning
equipment with men in mind.
If they did, it'd have what?
(all) More power!
You're darn right, more power.
And maybe a little style, too.
How can they expect
us to clean a house
with housecleaning equipment
that's not designed for us?
Oh, the Daisy Soft Sweep
Decor series in harvest gold.
The vacuum cleaner from
hell. What is this all about?
I want a man's vacuum cleaner.
How about an
Indianapolis 500 version...
all burnished chrome, matte black,
analog gauges, turbo boost in there.
(imitates motor revving)
More power. It'll suck
the throat out of a parrot.
Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.
Whew, maybe I stepped over
the line just a little bit just then,
but I think you get my point.
There's nothing wrong
with a man doing housework.
I mean, Al does a lot of
the cleaning around here.
I do all the cleaning, Tim.
Ha. Yeah, right, Al.
I could use some help.
We all could, Al.
I'm Tim Taylor. I wanna
give you a little tip here.
Half the dirt in the world
is men's. Let's clean it up.
See ya next time.
Come on, Dad! We want
to go back to the park!
I told Bob and Stinky
that we would be back.
(Texas drawl) Well, Bob and
Stinky are gonna have to wait,
'cause we're gonna clean
this house up for your Ma.
We do that to support our woman.
I don't have a woman.
(normal voice) Well, maybe
Stinky could set you up with one.
I have a woman. Mommy.
Your mommy can't be
your woman, doofus.
A lot men pay a psychiatrist
a lot of money to figure
that one out, I'll tell ya that.
We are gonna clean
the house the power way.
Cleaning the
house is a girl's job.
Hey, hey, hey. We
are enlightened men,
and enlightened men share
in household responsibilities.
What's enlightened?
It means scared of Mom.
Cleaning the house
can be a lot of fun.
This is Dodge City at high noon.
It's very dirty in here. Quick,
get to the windows, boys.
Cover us. Come on. Hyah, hyah!
All right, holster
those weapons.
On three, gimme the quick-draw.
1, 2, 3, clean.
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
Hyah!
What about me, Dad? Hyah, hyah!
What do I get to do?
You get the most important
job. You're Sheriff Wyatt Dirt.
You gotta wipe out
the Dust Bunny Gang.
What?
Here, hold that.
All loaded.
Saddle up, boy.
All right. Hi, hon.
Well, you are obviously
just playing around.
You're not cleaning the house.
Arr!
Wait a minute. I see some outlaw
dust villains on the coffee table.
Go at it. Guys, make sure
you get the outside of the doors.
I thought you were
upstairs writing that speech.
May I please get a soda?
Certainly.
Ew, what is that smell?
Their favorite lunch...
Beanie Weenie casserole, huh?
Touch of Spam
in there, beef jerky,
and potato chip dressing
on top. What do you think?
I'll pass.
How are you doing?
Oh, I'm fine. Just
taking a little break.
Can I see it?
It's not very good. Let me
see it. Maybe I can help.
I don't feel like it, and
you can't make me.
Let me ask you this...
Have you gotten past
the point where you say,
"Good afternoon. It's a
pleasure to be here today"?
Can I use that?
You haven't written
your first line yet?
Yes, but yours is better.
What the hell have you
been doing up there?
I feel self-conscious getting
up in front of a group of people.
You don't like the way you look?
What's wrong
with the way I look?
Nothing. That
was just a question.
Why was that the first
question you asked?
Here's another first question.
Are you so attractive and thin,
you're afraid to go
up in front of people?
So what you're
saying, I'm fat and ugly?
I'm not gonna win at this, am I?
It's not looking good.
OK, look, gimme
that first line again.
Good afternoon...
It's a pleasure
to be here today.
It's a pleasure
to be here today.
Wait, I think I got
the last line for you.
Thank you very much. It's
been a pleasure being here today.
Good afternoon. It's a
pleasure to be here today.
Oh, it's not.
I think I'll just take a nap.
(knock on door)
Who is it?
It's me, Mom.
Oh, come in, Randy.
I, uh, just wanted to
see how you were doing.
Come gimme a hug.
Mm, I'm much better now.
I got a great joke for you.
You can use it in your speech.
Oh, OK. Shoot.
OK, I got it.
If a snake married
an undertaker,
what would their towels say?
A snake and an undertaker.
I don't know. What?
Hiss and Hearse.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
That's good. That's really good.
Maybe I could work it into
the beginning of my speech...
Randy!
I'm having some trouble
getting started with this.
What are you doing in here?
You're supposed to be downstairs
helping me get finished dusting.
I'm just up here telling Mom
a joke. I'm being a good son.
Bull. You're just trying
to stay out of work.
Am not.
Are too. Am not.
Are too... Am not...
(whistles)
That was pretty good, Mom.
I'm not gonna finish this
unless you stop interrupting me.
I was just trying to help.
Kissing up, huh?
Am not. Are too.
Am not. Are too.
Enough! Enough!
Now, how's your dad doing
with all that housecleaning?
OK.
Yeah. OK.
I don't like the looks of
that look. What's going on?
Uh, nothing.
Dad's not doing anything.
What exactly is Dad not doing?
He's not rewiring the vacuum.
Mom!
Tim!
Finished your speech?
Where is it?
Ah...
You know where it is.
Same place it's always been.
I'm serious. Where is
the vacuum cleaner?
Oh, you mean the Daisy Soft
Sweep Decor model in burnt almond.
That's the one.
I think you're gonna like
what we did. Mark, plug 'er in.
Well, that doesn't look too bad.
On the outside, it maintains
that feminine allure.
On the inside, I've doubled
its chromosome count.
Did you rewire it?
I tweaked it.
(motor runs)
Well, it sounds the same.
That's because it's in the
"whisper" mode for light cleaning.
You want to get
the deep-down dirt,
we turn to the new
"power suck" mode.
I thought you guys
were staying in the park.
Jennifer left, so Brad
didn't wanna stay.
Guess the car air freshener
wasn't a big hit, huh?
She said I smell like her
dog after he had a shampoo.
Woof woof.
Hey, Brad, come here.
Tell me what happened.
I think she likes me.
How do you know?
She hit me in the arm twice.
Hard? Yeah!
You're in, dude.
Dude.
Hey, Wilson.
Mm.
What are you doing?
Just carving out a canoe, Tim.
Sounds hard.
Not really, Tim.
You just take a
big block of wood
and chip away everything
that's not a canoe.
Say, Wilson, are you
afraid of speaking in public?
Well, to be honest with you,
Tim, I don't go out in public.
Jill's gotta go give a speech today,
and she's really concerned about it.
Heh-heh. Perfectly natural.
It's not natural. I like
speaking in public.
Sometimes I get in conversations
with people I don't even know.
I'll talk and talk and
talk. Sometimes I... Tim...
What? I get the point.
I wanna help her out,
and I just wonder what she's so
concerned about speaking in public.
She's probably just afraid
of appearing foolish in public.
I believe it was Samuel
Clemens who said...
Who's Samuel Clemens?
You would know him
better as Mark Twain,
but that was just a
pseudonym, a sobriquet.
Of course, pseudonym, sobriquet.
Spell one of those. Pick one.
Let's just say pen
name, Tim. OK.
Anyway, he said, "Better to
have people think you're a fool
than to open your mouth
and remove all doubt."
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Heh-heh. My, my, my, my.
What do you think
about that, Tim?
Tim.
Black. B-l-a... before b-o-u...
Blue, blue. Brown.
B-r... that's easy.
Brown, brown.
Hi. Hi.
I made you some tea.
Oh, well, thank you.
How's it going?
Great. I'm working
on my speech and...
I can see that.
You know, Jill, I think
I've got the problem licked.
Best summed up by
this wonderful quote...
It is better not to open your
mouth and appear foolish
than to open it and fool them.
Thank you, honey.
That's a big help.
It's Mark Twain.
I don't know anything
about giving a speech.
I don't know what
to do with my hands.
Put 'em in your pockets.
What if I wear this dress
that doesn't have any pockets?
Nice-lookin'. Well, put
'em down at your sides.
OK.
But don't itch at
yourself like that.
How's this?
You look like a totem pole.
Loosen up. Come
on, loosen up. Do this.
Do it.
I don't think this
is gonna help.
You're right, but it's
fun watching you do that.
Tim...
Don't think of the
audience as a group.
When I first did Tool
Time, I was petrified,
so I tried to visualize
it as just one person.
The first time you did Tool
Time, there was just one person.
That's not my point.
I tried to visualize that person
as being in their underwear.
He was in his underwear.
He was not.
(moans)
The speech isn't the problem.
What is going on here?
Tim, I'm gonna be
standing up there
in front of 250 people.
That's 500 eyes watching me.
500 ears listening to me.
Eh, that's a thousand organs.
No wonder you're nervous.
You know, I am the only speaker.
And by standing up there,
it's like I'm saying that I'm the
most important person in the room.
Well, you are.
Well, I don't feel like it.
It's not like I'm the
president of anything.
I don't run a corporation,
I'm not a celebrity.
I'm just your wife and Brad,
Randy and Mark's mother.
You're the chairperson of the
most successful money laundering...
Fund-raising!
Fund-raising drives
in library history.
You're CEO of this family,
you're my career manager,
and you're a life manager.
Life manager.
You manage to
live your life with me.
And I should get
an award for that.
You should get an award
for the money that you got.
(knock on door) Come on in.
Here, Mommy. I
made you a milk shake.
Oh, thank you,
honey. It looks like...
What did you put in that?
Peanut butter and jelly.
Go ahead.
Mmm... mmm, terrific and thick.
Ha-ha-ha.
Have you finished your speech?
Yeah.
Can I hear it?
She doesn't feel
like it right now.
Come on, Mommy. You always
make me show you my homework.
Well, you're right, I do.
Ok, OK. Fair is fair.
You sure you feel
like doing this?
Yeah, I'll just picture you
two in your underwear.
No, don't take off your
pants. It's just a technique.
(closes door) OK...
Are you ready? Yep.
Good afternoon. It's a
pleasure to be here today.
I wrote that.
It's pretty good.
OK, OK. "As you all know,
"the library is the cornerstone
of a good education.
"Books contain ideas
which can shape our planet,
and let's face it, right now,
our planet is badly out of shape."
Shape and out of shape.
I love it. That's good.
Yeah? Well, it's easy in front of
you and Mark. I know you guys.
Well, pretend like we're
the Library Association.
No. Most of them are women.
OK, we'll be women.
Mark, come over
here for a minute.
What?
Here, these go with your hair.
Oh, and these are
me. Look at that.
Tim, what are you doing?
We are supporting our
woman by being women.
Hey, Mark, you don't do
this outside the house, OK?
Tim, please, you really
don't have to do this.
(feminine voice) There's
no Tim here anymore.
My name is L... Ouch!
My name is Linda, and
this is my good friend Rose.
Hi, Mommy.
Well, hello, Rose. Hello, Ouch.
Hello. Well, please, get on with
your speech. We're all aflutter.
OK, OK. "The only way to
get our planet back into shape
"is to exercise our minds.
By upgrading and modernizing
our library, we can do that."
Look how she gets
us involved. I love this.
"Your generous dollars
have made that possible,
and I hope that you will
continue to give in the future."
And it goes on from there.
Bravo. Bravo. Give her the wave.
Isn't she the most spectacular
speaker you've ever seen?
It is OK, isn't it?
It's marvelous,
hon, it's marvelous.
No, I'm serious. It
actually makes sense.
(normal voice)
It's terrific, it is.
Are you just saying that?
No, it's good.
So it was good,
but not terrific?
Huh? No, that's
the same, isn't it?
No, no, no, no. Good
means that it's OK.
Terrific means I'd be a
fool not to give this speech.
You would be a fool
not to give this speech.
OK, then. I'll give it.
Thank you, Linda.
Thank you, Rose.
(feminine voice) Mm-mm-mm.
Mm-mm. Rather unprofessional
to kiss us like that, wasn't it?
Ha-ha-ha.
Do you suppose that's
her real hair color?
I don't think so.
Look at the roots.
Ever got some phlegm caught
in your throat, you can't get it out?
You just don't see old
women going like this, do you?
I'm here!
OK, Tim. We're on in one minute.
Where have you been?
I was getting worried.
We were watching
Mommy give a speech.
She wowed 'em at the library.
I did all right. How
you doing, Al? Hi, Jill.
You wowed 'em. They asked
you back for next year already.
Oh, God, I don't
wanna think about that.
Hiya, Mark. How are you?
Good.
Do anything fun this weekend?
Daddy and I dressed
up like women.
Oh, really?
It's not like it sounds, Al.
Daddy had Mommy's hat
on, and we both wore earrings.
Well, of course. Earrings
would complete the ensemble.
Music. Standby. Here
we go, everybody.
(Tool Time theme plays)
It's not like I had a
bra on or anything, Al.
Well, maybe next time, Tim.
Does everyone
know what time it is?
(audience) It's Tool Time!
let's go! Hurry up!
Hey, quiet down.
Your mom's up there
trying to write that speech.
She's been working on
that speech for two weeks.
When is she gonna finish?
Maybe never if she doesn't
get some peace and quiet.
(whispers) Quiet.
(whispers) OK, OK.
Brad!
Shh, quiet. What are you doing?
Going to the park to
play Blade Warriors.
Blade Warriors? I don't
like the sound of that.
I've got the net. Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Here.
What's the net for?
(both) Nothing.
These are not "nothing" faces.
This would be a nothing face...
Yeah.
No, no. Come here, come here.
You guys wouldn't be
thinking of going to the park
and snagging kids
in this net, would ya?
Good idea, Dad.
Yeah.
Bad idea. Net stays here.
Brad, I buy safety equipment. I
intend for you to use it, all right?
Is that cologne you're wearing?
This is the stuff you
bought at the car wash.
That's air freshener.
That came with some mud
flaps. You smell like a pina colada.
He's wearing it for
Jennifer Sadarski.
Yeah. Whoa!
Take care of your brother!
Jill, I thought you were
working on that library speech?
I came down to get
something to eat,
and I noticed the
refrigerator light was out.
So?
So I happen to think
it's very important
to have a nice,
bright refrigerator light.
Jill, you're
procrastinating again.
I am not procrastinating.
Ew, look at this refrigerator.
It's filthy. I have
to clean this now.
Jill, why did you agree
to give this speech?
Because I wanna give the speech.
Then why aren't
you working on it?
Because I had to replace
the refrigerator light.
Jill, this is an honor.
Who was it that raised
more than $4,000...
$7,000.
$7,000 for the new computer
system for the library?
I did.
Who got the volunteers
to collect money,
including a hundred
bucks out of me?
I did.
Who's the perfect
person for the speech?
Somebody else.
Jill, it's just a
two-minute speech.
Yeah, but it's to 250 people.
You're making a lot more
out of this than it really is.
That's easy for you to say. You do
this for a living. It doesn't bother you.
You love attention, and
you have a big mouth.
Look, you don't have to do
anything the rest of the day
except breathe and
write that speech.
I'll keep the boys out of your
hair, I'll handle everything,
just try to go upstairs
and finish the speech.
Thank you, sweetie. Got it.
But first, I'm gonna clean the
house, 'cause it's really filthy.
No, you're not
getting off the hook.
Go upstairs, write the
speech, stop procrastinating.
I will clean this
house, top to bottom.
Do you promise you won't
rewire or blow up anything?
Why are you so mean to me?
You really think I
can do this thing?
Yes, of course. You can
do anything you want, Jill.
Nobody thought you could
land me as a husband and...
Well, that's certainly
inspirational.
We've cut all of
our side panels,
and I've finished drilling
the holes for our dowel joints.
If I were to put a
hinge right here, Al,
we'd have a pretty
swinging joint, wouldn't we?
(imitates playing jazz clarinet)
Take it, Al.
I don't think so, Tim.
Anyway, next time, Al and I
will show you how to
complete the entire bookcase.
And that brings us to the
Tool Time tip of the day...
housecleaning.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, I can hear the guys
out there going, "Uhh?"
"Get the wife in here,
Tim, so she can hear this."
No, no, no, men.
Housekeeping, housecleaning,
house taking care of
is like shop maintenance.
It's for men, too.
Men, it's the '90s.
We should share in the
housecleaning responsibilities, right?
I didn't hear anything.
You know, I'm judging,
from the lack of enthusiasm,
that you men are disinterested,
and maybe it's because
they do not design housecleaning
equipment with men in mind.
If they did, it'd have what?
(all) More power!
You're darn right, more power.
And maybe a little style, too.
How can they expect
us to clean a house
with housecleaning equipment
that's not designed for us?
Oh, the Daisy Soft Sweep
Decor series in harvest gold.
The vacuum cleaner from
hell. What is this all about?
I want a man's vacuum cleaner.
How about an
Indianapolis 500 version...
all burnished chrome, matte black,
analog gauges, turbo boost in there.
(imitates motor revving)
More power. It'll suck
the throat out of a parrot.
Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.
Whew, maybe I stepped over
the line just a little bit just then,
but I think you get my point.
There's nothing wrong
with a man doing housework.
I mean, Al does a lot of
the cleaning around here.
I do all the cleaning, Tim.
Ha. Yeah, right, Al.
I could use some help.
We all could, Al.
I'm Tim Taylor. I wanna
give you a little tip here.
Half the dirt in the world
is men's. Let's clean it up.
See ya next time.
Come on, Dad! We want
to go back to the park!
I told Bob and Stinky
that we would be back.
(Texas drawl) Well, Bob and
Stinky are gonna have to wait,
'cause we're gonna clean
this house up for your Ma.
We do that to support our woman.
I don't have a woman.
(normal voice) Well, maybe
Stinky could set you up with one.
I have a woman. Mommy.
Your mommy can't be
your woman, doofus.
A lot men pay a psychiatrist
a lot of money to figure
that one out, I'll tell ya that.
We are gonna clean
the house the power way.
Cleaning the
house is a girl's job.
Hey, hey, hey. We
are enlightened men,
and enlightened men share
in household responsibilities.
What's enlightened?
It means scared of Mom.
Cleaning the house
can be a lot of fun.
This is Dodge City at high noon.
It's very dirty in here. Quick,
get to the windows, boys.
Cover us. Come on. Hyah, hyah!
All right, holster
those weapons.
On three, gimme the quick-draw.
1, 2, 3, clean.
Hyah! Hyah! Hyah!
Hyah!
What about me, Dad? Hyah, hyah!
What do I get to do?
You get the most important
job. You're Sheriff Wyatt Dirt.
You gotta wipe out
the Dust Bunny Gang.
What?
Here, hold that.
All loaded.
Saddle up, boy.
All right. Hi, hon.
Well, you are obviously
just playing around.
You're not cleaning the house.
Arr!
Wait a minute. I see some outlaw
dust villains on the coffee table.
Go at it. Guys, make sure
you get the outside of the doors.
I thought you were
upstairs writing that speech.
May I please get a soda?
Certainly.
Ew, what is that smell?
Their favorite lunch...
Beanie Weenie casserole, huh?
Touch of Spam
in there, beef jerky,
and potato chip dressing
on top. What do you think?
I'll pass.
How are you doing?
Oh, I'm fine. Just
taking a little break.
Can I see it?
It's not very good. Let me
see it. Maybe I can help.
I don't feel like it, and
you can't make me.
Let me ask you this...
Have you gotten past
the point where you say,
"Good afternoon. It's a
pleasure to be here today"?
Can I use that?
You haven't written
your first line yet?
Yes, but yours is better.
What the hell have you
been doing up there?
I feel self-conscious getting
up in front of a group of people.
You don't like the way you look?
What's wrong
with the way I look?
Nothing. That
was just a question.
Why was that the first
question you asked?
Here's another first question.
Are you so attractive and thin,
you're afraid to go
up in front of people?
So what you're
saying, I'm fat and ugly?
I'm not gonna win at this, am I?
It's not looking good.
OK, look, gimme
that first line again.
Good afternoon...
It's a pleasure
to be here today.
It's a pleasure
to be here today.
Wait, I think I got
the last line for you.
Thank you very much. It's
been a pleasure being here today.
Good afternoon. It's a
pleasure to be here today.
Oh, it's not.
I think I'll just take a nap.
(knock on door)
Who is it?
It's me, Mom.
Oh, come in, Randy.
I, uh, just wanted to
see how you were doing.
Come gimme a hug.
Mm, I'm much better now.
I got a great joke for you.
You can use it in your speech.
Oh, OK. Shoot.
OK, I got it.
If a snake married
an undertaker,
what would their towels say?
A snake and an undertaker.
I don't know. What?
Hiss and Hearse.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
That's good. That's really good.
Maybe I could work it into
the beginning of my speech...
Randy!
I'm having some trouble
getting started with this.
What are you doing in here?
You're supposed to be downstairs
helping me get finished dusting.
I'm just up here telling Mom
a joke. I'm being a good son.
Bull. You're just trying
to stay out of work.
Am not.
Are too. Am not.
Are too... Am not...
(whistles)
That was pretty good, Mom.
I'm not gonna finish this
unless you stop interrupting me.
I was just trying to help.
Kissing up, huh?
Am not. Are too.
Am not. Are too.
Enough! Enough!
Now, how's your dad doing
with all that housecleaning?
OK.
Yeah. OK.
I don't like the looks of
that look. What's going on?
Uh, nothing.
Dad's not doing anything.
What exactly is Dad not doing?
He's not rewiring the vacuum.
Mom!
Tim!
Finished your speech?
Where is it?
Ah...
You know where it is.
Same place it's always been.
I'm serious. Where is
the vacuum cleaner?
Oh, you mean the Daisy Soft
Sweep Decor model in burnt almond.
That's the one.
I think you're gonna like
what we did. Mark, plug 'er in.
Well, that doesn't look too bad.
On the outside, it maintains
that feminine allure.
On the inside, I've doubled
its chromosome count.
Did you rewire it?
I tweaked it.
(motor runs)
Well, it sounds the same.
That's because it's in the
"whisper" mode for light cleaning.
You want to get
the deep-down dirt,
we turn to the new
"power suck" mode.
I thought you guys
were staying in the park.
Jennifer left, so Brad
didn't wanna stay.
Guess the car air freshener
wasn't a big hit, huh?
She said I smell like her
dog after he had a shampoo.
Woof woof.
Hey, Brad, come here.
Tell me what happened.
I think she likes me.
How do you know?
She hit me in the arm twice.
Hard? Yeah!
You're in, dude.
Dude.
Hey, Wilson.
Mm.
What are you doing?
Just carving out a canoe, Tim.
Sounds hard.
Not really, Tim.
You just take a
big block of wood
and chip away everything
that's not a canoe.
Say, Wilson, are you
afraid of speaking in public?
Well, to be honest with you,
Tim, I don't go out in public.
Jill's gotta go give a speech today,
and she's really concerned about it.
Heh-heh. Perfectly natural.
It's not natural. I like
speaking in public.
Sometimes I get in conversations
with people I don't even know.
I'll talk and talk and
talk. Sometimes I... Tim...
What? I get the point.
I wanna help her out,
and I just wonder what she's so
concerned about speaking in public.
She's probably just afraid
of appearing foolish in public.
I believe it was Samuel
Clemens who said...
Who's Samuel Clemens?
You would know him
better as Mark Twain,
but that was just a
pseudonym, a sobriquet.
Of course, pseudonym, sobriquet.
Spell one of those. Pick one.
Let's just say pen
name, Tim. OK.
Anyway, he said, "Better to
have people think you're a fool
than to open your mouth
and remove all doubt."
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
Heh-heh. My, my, my, my.
What do you think
about that, Tim?
Tim.
Black. B-l-a... before b-o-u...
Blue, blue. Brown.
B-r... that's easy.
Brown, brown.
Hi. Hi.
I made you some tea.
Oh, well, thank you.
How's it going?
Great. I'm working
on my speech and...
I can see that.
You know, Jill, I think
I've got the problem licked.
Best summed up by
this wonderful quote...
It is better not to open your
mouth and appear foolish
than to open it and fool them.
Thank you, honey.
That's a big help.
It's Mark Twain.
I don't know anything
about giving a speech.
I don't know what
to do with my hands.
Put 'em in your pockets.
What if I wear this dress
that doesn't have any pockets?
Nice-lookin'. Well, put
'em down at your sides.
OK.
But don't itch at
yourself like that.
How's this?
You look like a totem pole.
Loosen up. Come
on, loosen up. Do this.
Do it.
I don't think this
is gonna help.
You're right, but it's
fun watching you do that.
Tim...
Don't think of the
audience as a group.
When I first did Tool
Time, I was petrified,
so I tried to visualize
it as just one person.
The first time you did Tool
Time, there was just one person.
That's not my point.
I tried to visualize that person
as being in their underwear.
He was in his underwear.
He was not.
(moans)
The speech isn't the problem.
What is going on here?
Tim, I'm gonna be
standing up there
in front of 250 people.
That's 500 eyes watching me.
500 ears listening to me.
Eh, that's a thousand organs.
No wonder you're nervous.
You know, I am the only speaker.
And by standing up there,
it's like I'm saying that I'm the
most important person in the room.
Well, you are.
Well, I don't feel like it.
It's not like I'm the
president of anything.
I don't run a corporation,
I'm not a celebrity.
I'm just your wife and Brad,
Randy and Mark's mother.
You're the chairperson of the
most successful money laundering...
Fund-raising!
Fund-raising drives
in library history.
You're CEO of this family,
you're my career manager,
and you're a life manager.
Life manager.
You manage to
live your life with me.
And I should get
an award for that.
You should get an award
for the money that you got.
(knock on door) Come on in.
Here, Mommy. I
made you a milk shake.
Oh, thank you,
honey. It looks like...
What did you put in that?
Peanut butter and jelly.
Go ahead.
Mmm... mmm, terrific and thick.
Ha-ha-ha.
Have you finished your speech?
Yeah.
Can I hear it?
She doesn't feel
like it right now.
Come on, Mommy. You always
make me show you my homework.
Well, you're right, I do.
Ok, OK. Fair is fair.
You sure you feel
like doing this?
Yeah, I'll just picture you
two in your underwear.
No, don't take off your
pants. It's just a technique.
(closes door) OK...
Are you ready? Yep.
Good afternoon. It's a
pleasure to be here today.
I wrote that.
It's pretty good.
OK, OK. "As you all know,
"the library is the cornerstone
of a good education.
"Books contain ideas
which can shape our planet,
and let's face it, right now,
our planet is badly out of shape."
Shape and out of shape.
I love it. That's good.
Yeah? Well, it's easy in front of
you and Mark. I know you guys.
Well, pretend like we're
the Library Association.
No. Most of them are women.
OK, we'll be women.
Mark, come over
here for a minute.
What?
Here, these go with your hair.
Oh, and these are
me. Look at that.
Tim, what are you doing?
We are supporting our
woman by being women.
Hey, Mark, you don't do
this outside the house, OK?
Tim, please, you really
don't have to do this.
(feminine voice) There's
no Tim here anymore.
My name is L... Ouch!
My name is Linda, and
this is my good friend Rose.
Hi, Mommy.
Well, hello, Rose. Hello, Ouch.
Hello. Well, please, get on with
your speech. We're all aflutter.
OK, OK. "The only way to
get our planet back into shape
"is to exercise our minds.
By upgrading and modernizing
our library, we can do that."
Look how she gets
us involved. I love this.
"Your generous dollars
have made that possible,
and I hope that you will
continue to give in the future."
And it goes on from there.
Bravo. Bravo. Give her the wave.
Isn't she the most spectacular
speaker you've ever seen?
It is OK, isn't it?
It's marvelous,
hon, it's marvelous.
No, I'm serious. It
actually makes sense.
(normal voice)
It's terrific, it is.
Are you just saying that?
No, it's good.
So it was good,
but not terrific?
Huh? No, that's
the same, isn't it?
No, no, no, no. Good
means that it's OK.
Terrific means I'd be a
fool not to give this speech.
You would be a fool
not to give this speech.
OK, then. I'll give it.
Thank you, Linda.
Thank you, Rose.
(feminine voice) Mm-mm-mm.
Mm-mm. Rather unprofessional
to kiss us like that, wasn't it?
Ha-ha-ha.
Do you suppose that's
her real hair color?
I don't think so.
Look at the roots.
Ever got some phlegm caught
in your throat, you can't get it out?
You just don't see old
women going like this, do you?
I'm here!
OK, Tim. We're on in one minute.
Where have you been?
I was getting worried.
We were watching
Mommy give a speech.
She wowed 'em at the library.
I did all right. How
you doing, Al? Hi, Jill.
You wowed 'em. They asked
you back for next year already.
Oh, God, I don't
wanna think about that.
Hiya, Mark. How are you?
Good.
Do anything fun this weekend?
Daddy and I dressed
up like women.
Oh, really?
It's not like it sounds, Al.
Daddy had Mommy's hat
on, and we both wore earrings.
Well, of course. Earrings
would complete the ensemble.
Music. Standby. Here
we go, everybody.
(Tool Time theme plays)
It's not like I had a
bra on or anything, Al.
Well, maybe next time, Tim.
Does everyone
know what time it is?
(audience) It's Tool Time!