Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 12 - Yule Better Watch Out - full transcript
On "Tool Time": Tim gives a Yuletime tip - never plug in a frayed wire - and grunts "Jingle Bells". He also demonstrates his great invention, a rotating Christmas tree, with the usual results. At home: Tim has decided to beat Doc Johnson in the neighborhood Christmas decoration contest. The competition soon gets out of control. Jill is upset that Randy did not get the part of Joseph but rather the inn-keeper in the school Christmas pageant, and decides to make Randy stand out by making him an outstanding costume. Mark learns a shocking secret from his brothers: There is no Santa Claus... Or is there?
The important thing to
remember this holiday season
is make it a safe one.
Which brings us to
today's Tool Time tip. Lisa?
Now, be careful with this, Tim.
I will. Thank you, Lisa.
This is a completely
frayed wire,
and you never want
to plug in a frayed wire.
Al, do you suppose they call it "a
frayed" because it's scared of something?
I really doubt it, Tim.
Oh, I do, too, Al.
Well, Al will now show us
how to safely tape up that wire.
Be careful. (tool whirs)
(laughs) Merry Christmas, Al.
You know, there's nothing
more fun in the world
than sitting around a beautifully
decorated Christmas tree in your home,
grunting your favorite
Christmas carols.
That brings one to mind.
(to tune of "Jingle
Bells") ♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho...
♪ Ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho, ho-oh-ho-ho
Come on, Al. Hit it!
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
Everybody, come on.
(all) ♪ Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho ♪
That's the spirit.
The only problem I have
with the Christmas tree
is you spend so much
time decorating the front of it,
you never get to
see the back of it.
So I got this idea from
an old college turntable.
Maybe we could
motorize this thing,
so I used a 10-amp
heavy-duty synchronous motor,
triple-reduction gears, and
a four-to-one final drive...
Excuse me, Tim.
Are you sure you connected
the spur gear to the final drive
instead of the
motor output shaft?
Al, I'm insulted.
You know who you're talking to?
Yes, I do, Tim.
There's more than
one way to do it, Al.
Lisa, plug it in for
me. Sure thing, Tim.
Well, it's just
that... Al, please.
Well, son of a gun.
When you know what
you're doing, folks,
anything is possible.
Aah!
Incoming!
Mom, can I have
another piece of paper?
Honey, that Christmas
list looks a little long.
Let me see that.
You know, I don't
think that Santa
is gonna be able to bring
you everything on this list,
'cause that would make
his sleigh too heavy.
Uh, I'll cross off
the heaviest thing.
OK.
Cocker spaniel.
Bye, Floppy.
You know, I think that
you should pick out
the thing that you really want,
and put a star next to that.
OK. The
remote-controlled dinosaur.
All right.
Tim, there's, like, 12
boxes of decorations.
How many are you gonna bring up?
One more out of the basement.
And that's it?
One more out of the basement
and a couple out of my car.
How many is a couple?
Ten.
(timer dings)
I know why you're doing this.
I have the Christmas spirit.
You just can't stand
that Doc Johnson
always wins that Christmas
decoration contest.
You always think I'm
competing with Doc Johnson.
Oh, it doesn't bother
you that he's added
those extra three giant
candles on his roof?
There's four of 'em and
there's a little dancing elf,
but that doesn't bother me.
Well, just don't set fire to
the roof like you did last year.
I didn't set fire. It
was an electrical short.
Well, I just don't want to have to
drive you to the emergency room again.
Wait. Wait a minute.
Except for last year,
when was the last time
you drove me to the
emergency room?
The '80s.
Oh, you mess up one decade,
and you'll never
let me forget it.
(laughs)
Yeah, well, why don't you
just try taking a year off
and not compete
with Dr. Johnson?
Some thanks I get for trying to
spread a little Christmas cheer.
You're spreading
around something,
but it ain't Christmas cheer.
Hi, guys. Hey! Hey!
How did the tryouts for
the Christmas pageant go?
Terrible. I'm a shepherd again.
Oh, well, honey, the shepherd is
a very important part
of the Christmas story.
I don't have any lines.
That's because you
blew it, you stooge.
He was trying out for
one of the wise men,
and he said they were
carrying gold and Frankenstein.
So? You only play
the stupid innkeeper.
"Stupid innkeeper."
How many lines does
the stupid innkeeper have?
One lousy line.
(all) There's no
room at the inn!
Got an idea.
Right after you say your line,
"There's no room at the inn," add this.
"You should have called
our 1-800 reservation hot line."
Ignore your father. You're
gonna be a wonderful innkeeper.
Well, I wanted to play Joseph,
but they said there were
too many lines for me.
Too many lines? You
have a wonderful memory.
Who got the part?
George Lonigan.
George Lonigan?
He could remember the words
to "Happy Birthday" at your party.
I know, but what can I say?
His dad built the set.
Well... That is just favoritism.
Tim, you should
have built the set.
Boy, is that the voice of
the Christmas spirit I hear?
He forgot the words to
"Happy Birthday," Tim.
Is that the Joseph you
want? What's he gonna say?
"Meet my wife, the
virgin... duh, Sheila."
Mom, we don't care if
we're in that pageant.
Yes, you do.
This family has
the Christmas spirit.
When I'm finished
sewing your costumes,
you're gonna be the best-dressed
Hebrews in Bethlehem.
Mark, what are you doing?
Making out my
list for Santa Claus.
(sighs) Are you kidding?
Mom and Dad aren't
gonna buy you all this stuff.
Why should they?
Santa will make it.
Mark, are you gonna
be a dork your whole life?
I hope not.
Randy, he's making
a list for Santa Claus.
Mark, you're too old to
believe in Santa Claus.
Kids are gonna start
to make fun of you.
What are you talking about?
I hate to break it to you,
but there is no Santa Claus.
You're lying.
Who drinks the milk and
eats the chocolate chip cookies
that I leave out for him?
Oh, Dad. He loves
chocolate chip cookies.
You guys are poopheads.
Well... OK, fine.
Here's the truth.
There used to be a Santa Claus,
but he died six years ago.
Yep, you just missed out.
Santa Claus isn't dead.
Yes, he is.
He had a terrible accident
with one of his reindeer.
Blitzen fell on him.
He's really dead.
Kicked the bucket.
Bought the dirt farm.
6 feet under. Pushin'
up the daisies.
Deader than a doornail.
Stiff as a board.
Cold as ice. Met his maker.
Randy, turn off the
TV and come here.
I have some great
stuff for your costume.
(turns off TV) What now?
Well, come here and see.
This is your cape.
Just put this around you.
Mom, this is gold.
I'm just an innkeeper.
Hey, you are a very
successful innkeeper.
Now, this is just great.
You're gonna really look good
with the hat that I got you.
Ha-ha! Perfect.
Hi, Jill. Hello, Ali Baba.
Dad...
He's an innkeeper. Yeah.
Well, what inn are Mary and
Joseph staying at this year...
Caesar's Palace?
You can go now.
You look terrific.
Now, let me hear
you say your line.
There's no room at the inn.
Honey, I think you need to
say it with a little more feeling.
There's no room at the inn!
(sobs)
Hi, Wilson. Do you have
that old diesel generator?
I want to light up this
revolving Santa on my roof.
I'm sorry, Tim. I loaned
that to the good doctor.
What? Well, he
did ask for it first.
I could give you some
tinsel and a 9-volt battery.
That's pretty funny, Wilson.
Tim, I sense some competition
between you and the good doctor.
No, I'm just
decorating my house.
I notice you don't decorate
your house at Christmastime.
Well, actually, Tim,
I decorate within.
I have a tree in my
heart, a wreath in my mind
and a star in my soul.
And you plug it
in your bellybutton.
Dad, Dad!
Dr. Johnson just put
up two huge spotlights.
What? Joyeux Noel, Tim.
And to you, too, Wilson.
I didn't even see
any of that stuff.
I just looked over there.
Where'd you see th...
Those aren't spotlights.
Those are 7,000-watt
Xenon Super Troupers.
That guy is sick.
It's you and me, Santa,
against the doctor.
Come on, buddy.
This is cool, Dad.
Thanks.
All right, we're about
ready to watch the trial run
of Santa taking his
journey from the sled
over to the chimney.
I put him on a
modified turntable.
And remember, always
attach the spur gear
to the final drive.
That's awesome, Dad.
I'm gonna get my
tools and come in.
Boy, it is awful
slippery up here.
Ohh!
(groaning)
Dad, the hammer's
frozen to your tongue.
I know it is!
(groans)
Thank you for
coming so fast, Bob.
No problem, Mrs.
Taylor. That's our job.
Does that feel better
now, Mr. Taylor?
(garbled) Oh, it's
much, much better.
You know, Mr. Taylor, kinda
surprised me when I saw that hammer
hanging out of your mouth there.
I didn't mean to laugh.
(garbled) That's all right.
You know what? We
watch your show all the time.
I think it's really great.
Thanks very much.
Why didn't you have
Al here to help you?
Yeah. I mean, he's
really good on the show.
I love that guy.
We all love that guy.
Well, we're out of here.
Guess we'll probably, um...
(chuckles) see
you next Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas
to you. Thanks a lot.
Here, have some
Christmas cookies.
Oh, well, thank
you, Mrs. Taylor.
Merry Christmas. So long.
Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.
We better get that
crowd dispersed.
All right, folks. Break
it up. Show's over.
We saved his tongue.
Promise me you will stop this
before you hurt yourself again.
I'm through.
They're judging the
competition in two hours.
What more can I do?
You're through competing
with Doc Johnson?
I'm through. All right.
(deep voice) Hello,
Detroit Edison? Yeah.
This is Dr. Johnson here
at 562 Glenview Road.
Yeah. My wife and I
are heading out to dinner.
Could you shut the power
off in exactly two hours?
What?
(normal voice) Oh, hi, Eddie.
I tried this last year, huh?
Didn't work then,
either, did it?
Yes, the firemen got me down.
Oh, my tongue's fine,
Ed. Thanks for asking.
And a Merry Christmas
to you. See ya.
Oh! Hi, honey.
You were gonna
turn the power off
in the house of a 76-year-old
retired proctologist?
If I could have gotten
away with it, yes.
You're pathetic.
I'm pathetic? Yes.
How about the church
pageant with you?
Hey, I'm just trying to
build up their self-esteem.
Makin' 'em go out dressed
like the Gabor sisters?
Mom, Dad, Brad and Randy
said Santa died six years ago.
They told you that he was dead?
Well, that was a little extreme.
Son, I think he's old,
but he's-he's not dead.
So Santa's alive?
Yeah. You sat on
his lap at the mall.
But there are a lot of malls.
How can he be in every one?
He's real fast for a fat guy.
Actually, honey,
I think that those
guys at the mall
are Santa's helpers, you know,
the way that Al is
Daddy's helper? Right.
So they do all the work. Yeah.
They assist Santa
like Al assists me.
Oh, that makes sense. See?
Santa's got to be alive, 'cause
you and Dad wouldn't lie to me.
Thanks.
We just lied to him.
He's our last baby.
I wanted him to have one
more magical Christmas.
I hope we are
doing the right thing.
Feliz Navidad, Señor Tim.
Feliz Año Nuevo
to you, Mr. Wilson.
(chuckles)
Beautiful night tonight.
Feels like more
snow. Boy, I hope not.
I gotta finish putting those
decorations up on the roof.
Oh, I figured Jill might have put
the kibosh on those decorations
after that little mishap
with your tongue.
Hey, it's my house,
my roof, my decorations.
I do what I want
around here, Wilson.
What time did Jill leave,
Tim? About ten minutes ago.
Can I ask you something?
Jingle my bell, neighbor.
Mark is starting to ask us
questions about Santa Claus.
Mm-hmm.
Well, should we tell
him that he doesn't exist?
Well, who says he
doesn't exist, Tim?
I believe it was Hamlet
who put it best when he said,
"There are more things in
heaven and earth, good neighbor,
than are dreamt of
in your philosophy."
But Brad and Randy
already said he was dead.
Technically, that's true.
He died in the year 342.
Well, then who's at the mall?
No, Tim, I'm talking about
the original Santa Claus.
Saint Nicholas, the Bishop
of Myra in Asia Minor.
He used to go around to
the houses of the poor people
on his donkey with bags of gold
and drop them down the chimney.
Why would he drop
donkeys down the chimney?
I'm talking about
the bags of gold, Tim.
Well, hopefully he can
put a remote-controlled
dinosaur down my
chimney for Mark,
because the stores
are sold out of them.
Well, maybe Santa
Claus might bring it to you.
I thought you said
Santa was dead.
Ah, but, Tim, the
spirit of Santa lives on.
It lives in all of us.
Well, I must get
back to my chestnuts
roasting on an open fire.
(chuckles) Now, that
reminds me of a song.
♪ On the first day of Christmas
♪ My true love sent to me
♪ A partridge in a pear tree
♪ On the second
day of Christmas... ♪
(Brad) You blew
it! (Randy) I did not!
You did, too... OK,
guys, enough. Enough.
I think I got a
little carried away,
making the costume
and coaching him.
What happened, honey?
Oh, well, Randy's no
longer playing the innkeeper,
'cause he added some lines.
Yeah, he doubled
the price of the room
and asked the wise men for ID.
(Randy turns TV on)
They made me a sheep!
No TV. That's part of your punishment
for your little trick about Santa Claus.
(turns TV off) Oh, man!
Well, who wants hot chocolate?
(Randy) Me. (Brad) Me.
Mom, Dad, I have a question.
Yes, sweetie?
How does Santa get gifts
for everyone in the world
in one bag?
Jill?
Well, honey, he folds them.
Folds them? (Tim)
Yeah, he folds 'em,
then he has Mrs.
Claus sit on the bag
so he can tie it shut.
That doesn't sound right.
How do you fold goldfish?
How do you fold a pony?
If it's a quarter
horse... Tim...
Honey, I think that we need
to talk to you about Santa.
Is he dead again?
Mark, as you grow up,
you learn a whole bunch
of things along the way, OK?
The Easter Bunny, Santa
Claus... (knock on door)
I'll get it.
You see, it's the
spirit of Santa Claus
that really matters...
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas.
Wilson, what are you doing here?
The name is Santa.
Hello there, Mark.
Are you the real Santa?
The one and only.
Mom, that's Wilson. Shh!
Santa, would you like
some hot chocolate?
No, no, no, no. Mrs.
Claus told me to cut back.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Well, it still looks like
you're packing it in there.
Maybe swallowed a few too
many yams there at Thanksgiving.
This is so bogus.
Well, even though it's
not quite Christmas yet,
I thought my little buddy Mark
needed an extra helping
of Christmas spirit.
Should I go get my list?
No, there's no need to, Mark.
In your heart...
what I think you really want
is a remote-controlled dinosaur.
Great! It's not even folded.
Thank you, Santa.
Ho-ho-ho-ho, yes.
And, Mark, don't forget this.
What's this?
Well, unlike the toy companies,
with Santa, batteries
are included.
Ho-ho-ho.
Anything for us, Santa?
Well, even though you
boys no longer believe in me,
Santa brought you a gift anyway.
(whispers) Yeah.
Brad, I got you a rubber band.
And, Randy, here's a button.
Well, Santa,
what'd you bring us?
Well, with the hustle and
bustle of Christmas sometimes,
we get involved in
decorating and pageants,
and we often forget
that the true
meaning of Christmas
is about coming
together. And sharing.
And that's why I brought
you this little reminder.
Mistletoe. That's right, Jill.
Let's see if it works.
Thank you, Santa.
Don't look at me, man.
Merry Christmas!
Thank you, Santa. Bye, Santa.
Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night!
(all) Bye, Santa!
(both) Thank you!
I'll tell you, Jill.
Sometimes that Wilson
is one fine neighbor, huh?
You mean, that Wilson?
Hi-ho, neighbor!
(sleigh bells jingling)
Huh?
The decorations are
ready. Come on out. Look.
Don't slip. Watch out.
Come on. Hurry up.
Come on. Everybody in position?
All right, sit there.
Honey, the Tim Taylor
power Christmas.
Voila.
(♪ "Deck the Halls")
Wow! Cool!
(boys) Wow!
Whoa! (Tim) Hey!
(Mark) Whoa. (music dies)
Uh-oh.
(Tim, to tune of "Jingle
Bells") ♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho, ho-oh-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
Everybody, come on.
(audience) ♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho, ho-oh-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! ♪
(Tim) Oh, that's the spirit!
remember this holiday season
is make it a safe one.
Which brings us to
today's Tool Time tip. Lisa?
Now, be careful with this, Tim.
I will. Thank you, Lisa.
This is a completely
frayed wire,
and you never want
to plug in a frayed wire.
Al, do you suppose they call it "a
frayed" because it's scared of something?
I really doubt it, Tim.
Oh, I do, too, Al.
Well, Al will now show us
how to safely tape up that wire.
Be careful. (tool whirs)
(laughs) Merry Christmas, Al.
You know, there's nothing
more fun in the world
than sitting around a beautifully
decorated Christmas tree in your home,
grunting your favorite
Christmas carols.
That brings one to mind.
(to tune of "Jingle
Bells") ♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho...
♪ Ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho, ho-oh-ho-ho
Come on, Al. Hit it!
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
Everybody, come on.
(all) ♪ Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho ♪
That's the spirit.
The only problem I have
with the Christmas tree
is you spend so much
time decorating the front of it,
you never get to
see the back of it.
So I got this idea from
an old college turntable.
Maybe we could
motorize this thing,
so I used a 10-amp
heavy-duty synchronous motor,
triple-reduction gears, and
a four-to-one final drive...
Excuse me, Tim.
Are you sure you connected
the spur gear to the final drive
instead of the
motor output shaft?
Al, I'm insulted.
You know who you're talking to?
Yes, I do, Tim.
There's more than
one way to do it, Al.
Lisa, plug it in for
me. Sure thing, Tim.
Well, it's just
that... Al, please.
Well, son of a gun.
When you know what
you're doing, folks,
anything is possible.
Aah!
Incoming!
Mom, can I have
another piece of paper?
Honey, that Christmas
list looks a little long.
Let me see that.
You know, I don't
think that Santa
is gonna be able to bring
you everything on this list,
'cause that would make
his sleigh too heavy.
Uh, I'll cross off
the heaviest thing.
OK.
Cocker spaniel.
Bye, Floppy.
You know, I think that
you should pick out
the thing that you really want,
and put a star next to that.
OK. The
remote-controlled dinosaur.
All right.
Tim, there's, like, 12
boxes of decorations.
How many are you gonna bring up?
One more out of the basement.
And that's it?
One more out of the basement
and a couple out of my car.
How many is a couple?
Ten.
(timer dings)
I know why you're doing this.
I have the Christmas spirit.
You just can't stand
that Doc Johnson
always wins that Christmas
decoration contest.
You always think I'm
competing with Doc Johnson.
Oh, it doesn't bother
you that he's added
those extra three giant
candles on his roof?
There's four of 'em and
there's a little dancing elf,
but that doesn't bother me.
Well, just don't set fire to
the roof like you did last year.
I didn't set fire. It
was an electrical short.
Well, I just don't want to have to
drive you to the emergency room again.
Wait. Wait a minute.
Except for last year,
when was the last time
you drove me to the
emergency room?
The '80s.
Oh, you mess up one decade,
and you'll never
let me forget it.
(laughs)
Yeah, well, why don't you
just try taking a year off
and not compete
with Dr. Johnson?
Some thanks I get for trying to
spread a little Christmas cheer.
You're spreading
around something,
but it ain't Christmas cheer.
Hi, guys. Hey! Hey!
How did the tryouts for
the Christmas pageant go?
Terrible. I'm a shepherd again.
Oh, well, honey, the shepherd is
a very important part
of the Christmas story.
I don't have any lines.
That's because you
blew it, you stooge.
He was trying out for
one of the wise men,
and he said they were
carrying gold and Frankenstein.
So? You only play
the stupid innkeeper.
"Stupid innkeeper."
How many lines does
the stupid innkeeper have?
One lousy line.
(all) There's no
room at the inn!
Got an idea.
Right after you say your line,
"There's no room at the inn," add this.
"You should have called
our 1-800 reservation hot line."
Ignore your father. You're
gonna be a wonderful innkeeper.
Well, I wanted to play Joseph,
but they said there were
too many lines for me.
Too many lines? You
have a wonderful memory.
Who got the part?
George Lonigan.
George Lonigan?
He could remember the words
to "Happy Birthday" at your party.
I know, but what can I say?
His dad built the set.
Well... That is just favoritism.
Tim, you should
have built the set.
Boy, is that the voice of
the Christmas spirit I hear?
He forgot the words to
"Happy Birthday," Tim.
Is that the Joseph you
want? What's he gonna say?
"Meet my wife, the
virgin... duh, Sheila."
Mom, we don't care if
we're in that pageant.
Yes, you do.
This family has
the Christmas spirit.
When I'm finished
sewing your costumes,
you're gonna be the best-dressed
Hebrews in Bethlehem.
Mark, what are you doing?
Making out my
list for Santa Claus.
(sighs) Are you kidding?
Mom and Dad aren't
gonna buy you all this stuff.
Why should they?
Santa will make it.
Mark, are you gonna
be a dork your whole life?
I hope not.
Randy, he's making
a list for Santa Claus.
Mark, you're too old to
believe in Santa Claus.
Kids are gonna start
to make fun of you.
What are you talking about?
I hate to break it to you,
but there is no Santa Claus.
You're lying.
Who drinks the milk and
eats the chocolate chip cookies
that I leave out for him?
Oh, Dad. He loves
chocolate chip cookies.
You guys are poopheads.
Well... OK, fine.
Here's the truth.
There used to be a Santa Claus,
but he died six years ago.
Yep, you just missed out.
Santa Claus isn't dead.
Yes, he is.
He had a terrible accident
with one of his reindeer.
Blitzen fell on him.
He's really dead.
Kicked the bucket.
Bought the dirt farm.
6 feet under. Pushin'
up the daisies.
Deader than a doornail.
Stiff as a board.
Cold as ice. Met his maker.
Randy, turn off the
TV and come here.
I have some great
stuff for your costume.
(turns off TV) What now?
Well, come here and see.
This is your cape.
Just put this around you.
Mom, this is gold.
I'm just an innkeeper.
Hey, you are a very
successful innkeeper.
Now, this is just great.
You're gonna really look good
with the hat that I got you.
Ha-ha! Perfect.
Hi, Jill. Hello, Ali Baba.
Dad...
He's an innkeeper. Yeah.
Well, what inn are Mary and
Joseph staying at this year...
Caesar's Palace?
You can go now.
You look terrific.
Now, let me hear
you say your line.
There's no room at the inn.
Honey, I think you need to
say it with a little more feeling.
There's no room at the inn!
(sobs)
Hi, Wilson. Do you have
that old diesel generator?
I want to light up this
revolving Santa on my roof.
I'm sorry, Tim. I loaned
that to the good doctor.
What? Well, he
did ask for it first.
I could give you some
tinsel and a 9-volt battery.
That's pretty funny, Wilson.
Tim, I sense some competition
between you and the good doctor.
No, I'm just
decorating my house.
I notice you don't decorate
your house at Christmastime.
Well, actually, Tim,
I decorate within.
I have a tree in my
heart, a wreath in my mind
and a star in my soul.
And you plug it
in your bellybutton.
Dad, Dad!
Dr. Johnson just put
up two huge spotlights.
What? Joyeux Noel, Tim.
And to you, too, Wilson.
I didn't even see
any of that stuff.
I just looked over there.
Where'd you see th...
Those aren't spotlights.
Those are 7,000-watt
Xenon Super Troupers.
That guy is sick.
It's you and me, Santa,
against the doctor.
Come on, buddy.
This is cool, Dad.
Thanks.
All right, we're about
ready to watch the trial run
of Santa taking his
journey from the sled
over to the chimney.
I put him on a
modified turntable.
And remember, always
attach the spur gear
to the final drive.
That's awesome, Dad.
I'm gonna get my
tools and come in.
Boy, it is awful
slippery up here.
Ohh!
(groaning)
Dad, the hammer's
frozen to your tongue.
I know it is!
(groans)
Thank you for
coming so fast, Bob.
No problem, Mrs.
Taylor. That's our job.
Does that feel better
now, Mr. Taylor?
(garbled) Oh, it's
much, much better.
You know, Mr. Taylor, kinda
surprised me when I saw that hammer
hanging out of your mouth there.
I didn't mean to laugh.
(garbled) That's all right.
You know what? We
watch your show all the time.
I think it's really great.
Thanks very much.
Why didn't you have
Al here to help you?
Yeah. I mean, he's
really good on the show.
I love that guy.
We all love that guy.
Well, we're out of here.
Guess we'll probably, um...
(chuckles) see
you next Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas
to you. Thanks a lot.
Here, have some
Christmas cookies.
Oh, well, thank
you, Mrs. Taylor.
Merry Christmas. So long.
Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.
We better get that
crowd dispersed.
All right, folks. Break
it up. Show's over.
We saved his tongue.
Promise me you will stop this
before you hurt yourself again.
I'm through.
They're judging the
competition in two hours.
What more can I do?
You're through competing
with Doc Johnson?
I'm through. All right.
(deep voice) Hello,
Detroit Edison? Yeah.
This is Dr. Johnson here
at 562 Glenview Road.
Yeah. My wife and I
are heading out to dinner.
Could you shut the power
off in exactly two hours?
What?
(normal voice) Oh, hi, Eddie.
I tried this last year, huh?
Didn't work then,
either, did it?
Yes, the firemen got me down.
Oh, my tongue's fine,
Ed. Thanks for asking.
And a Merry Christmas
to you. See ya.
Oh! Hi, honey.
You were gonna
turn the power off
in the house of a 76-year-old
retired proctologist?
If I could have gotten
away with it, yes.
You're pathetic.
I'm pathetic? Yes.
How about the church
pageant with you?
Hey, I'm just trying to
build up their self-esteem.
Makin' 'em go out dressed
like the Gabor sisters?
Mom, Dad, Brad and Randy
said Santa died six years ago.
They told you that he was dead?
Well, that was a little extreme.
Son, I think he's old,
but he's-he's not dead.
So Santa's alive?
Yeah. You sat on
his lap at the mall.
But there are a lot of malls.
How can he be in every one?
He's real fast for a fat guy.
Actually, honey,
I think that those
guys at the mall
are Santa's helpers, you know,
the way that Al is
Daddy's helper? Right.
So they do all the work. Yeah.
They assist Santa
like Al assists me.
Oh, that makes sense. See?
Santa's got to be alive, 'cause
you and Dad wouldn't lie to me.
Thanks.
We just lied to him.
He's our last baby.
I wanted him to have one
more magical Christmas.
I hope we are
doing the right thing.
Feliz Navidad, Señor Tim.
Feliz Año Nuevo
to you, Mr. Wilson.
(chuckles)
Beautiful night tonight.
Feels like more
snow. Boy, I hope not.
I gotta finish putting those
decorations up on the roof.
Oh, I figured Jill might have put
the kibosh on those decorations
after that little mishap
with your tongue.
Hey, it's my house,
my roof, my decorations.
I do what I want
around here, Wilson.
What time did Jill leave,
Tim? About ten minutes ago.
Can I ask you something?
Jingle my bell, neighbor.
Mark is starting to ask us
questions about Santa Claus.
Mm-hmm.
Well, should we tell
him that he doesn't exist?
Well, who says he
doesn't exist, Tim?
I believe it was Hamlet
who put it best when he said,
"There are more things in
heaven and earth, good neighbor,
than are dreamt of
in your philosophy."
But Brad and Randy
already said he was dead.
Technically, that's true.
He died in the year 342.
Well, then who's at the mall?
No, Tim, I'm talking about
the original Santa Claus.
Saint Nicholas, the Bishop
of Myra in Asia Minor.
He used to go around to
the houses of the poor people
on his donkey with bags of gold
and drop them down the chimney.
Why would he drop
donkeys down the chimney?
I'm talking about
the bags of gold, Tim.
Well, hopefully he can
put a remote-controlled
dinosaur down my
chimney for Mark,
because the stores
are sold out of them.
Well, maybe Santa
Claus might bring it to you.
I thought you said
Santa was dead.
Ah, but, Tim, the
spirit of Santa lives on.
It lives in all of us.
Well, I must get
back to my chestnuts
roasting on an open fire.
(chuckles) Now, that
reminds me of a song.
♪ On the first day of Christmas
♪ My true love sent to me
♪ A partridge in a pear tree
♪ On the second
day of Christmas... ♪
(Brad) You blew
it! (Randy) I did not!
You did, too... OK,
guys, enough. Enough.
I think I got a
little carried away,
making the costume
and coaching him.
What happened, honey?
Oh, well, Randy's no
longer playing the innkeeper,
'cause he added some lines.
Yeah, he doubled
the price of the room
and asked the wise men for ID.
(Randy turns TV on)
They made me a sheep!
No TV. That's part of your punishment
for your little trick about Santa Claus.
(turns TV off) Oh, man!
Well, who wants hot chocolate?
(Randy) Me. (Brad) Me.
Mom, Dad, I have a question.
Yes, sweetie?
How does Santa get gifts
for everyone in the world
in one bag?
Jill?
Well, honey, he folds them.
Folds them? (Tim)
Yeah, he folds 'em,
then he has Mrs.
Claus sit on the bag
so he can tie it shut.
That doesn't sound right.
How do you fold goldfish?
How do you fold a pony?
If it's a quarter
horse... Tim...
Honey, I think that we need
to talk to you about Santa.
Is he dead again?
Mark, as you grow up,
you learn a whole bunch
of things along the way, OK?
The Easter Bunny, Santa
Claus... (knock on door)
I'll get it.
You see, it's the
spirit of Santa Claus
that really matters...
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Merry Christmas.
Wilson, what are you doing here?
The name is Santa.
Hello there, Mark.
Are you the real Santa?
The one and only.
Mom, that's Wilson. Shh!
Santa, would you like
some hot chocolate?
No, no, no, no. Mrs.
Claus told me to cut back.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
Well, it still looks like
you're packing it in there.
Maybe swallowed a few too
many yams there at Thanksgiving.
This is so bogus.
Well, even though it's
not quite Christmas yet,
I thought my little buddy Mark
needed an extra helping
of Christmas spirit.
Should I go get my list?
No, there's no need to, Mark.
In your heart...
what I think you really want
is a remote-controlled dinosaur.
Great! It's not even folded.
Thank you, Santa.
Ho-ho-ho-ho, yes.
And, Mark, don't forget this.
What's this?
Well, unlike the toy companies,
with Santa, batteries
are included.
Ho-ho-ho.
Anything for us, Santa?
Well, even though you
boys no longer believe in me,
Santa brought you a gift anyway.
(whispers) Yeah.
Brad, I got you a rubber band.
And, Randy, here's a button.
Well, Santa,
what'd you bring us?
Well, with the hustle and
bustle of Christmas sometimes,
we get involved in
decorating and pageants,
and we often forget
that the true
meaning of Christmas
is about coming
together. And sharing.
And that's why I brought
you this little reminder.
Mistletoe. That's right, Jill.
Let's see if it works.
Thank you, Santa.
Don't look at me, man.
Merry Christmas!
Thank you, Santa. Bye, Santa.
Merry Christmas to all
and to all a good night!
(all) Bye, Santa!
(both) Thank you!
I'll tell you, Jill.
Sometimes that Wilson
is one fine neighbor, huh?
You mean, that Wilson?
Hi-ho, neighbor!
(sleigh bells jingling)
Huh?
The decorations are
ready. Come on out. Look.
Don't slip. Watch out.
Come on. Hurry up.
Come on. Everybody in position?
All right, sit there.
Honey, the Tim Taylor
power Christmas.
Voila.
(♪ "Deck the Halls")
Wow! Cool!
(boys) Wow!
Whoa! (Tim) Hey!
(Mark) Whoa. (music dies)
Uh-oh.
(Tim, to tune of "Jingle
Bells") ♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho, ho-oh-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
Everybody, come on.
(audience) ♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho, ho-oh-ho-ho
♪ Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! ♪
(Tim) Oh, that's the spirit!