Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 13 - Up Your Alley - full transcript
Brad and Randy play video games and manage to teach a bully a lesson.
Hi, everybody. Welcome
once again to Tool Time.
I'm Tim Taylor, and of
course you all know Al.
Borland.
Al, why would they need
to know your last name?
You always tell
them your last name.
Al, if they don't know who I am,
they won't know
who you are, right, Al?
Borland.
Well, we're gonna be hanging
some dry wall today, Al Borland.
That's right, Tim... Taylor.
Since we're hanging it,
maybe we'll need a noose.
I don't think so, Tim.
I'll be hanging the
wallboard today
with my trusty
Binford crown hammer.
It's one of the
best you can buy.
Now, when hanging wallboard,
always make your nail flush.
That gives you
the perfect dimple.
Suppose they call it a
dimple because it's...
No, I don't, Tim.
Hanging dry wall is
actually pretty easy.
Easy procedure if
you follow instructions.
Matter of fact, if you follow
the proper instructions,
it takes hardly any time at all.
Al, I didn't say to go yet.
(mumbles) Well, I was...
I was just trying
to speed things up.
This isn't a race,
Al. I know that, Tim.
Because if it was, I think
you know what would happen.
Yes, I do, Tim.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Sounds like a little
challenge from Mr. Al Borland.
You don't really want to
compete with me, do you?
Well, Tim, when it
comes to you and me,
there is no competition.
Maybe the audience
would like to see
a little friendly wallboard
race between Al and I.
What do you think, folks?
(cheers and applause)
Let's see who can nail this
bad boy top to bottom first.
Ready?
Ready.
Set? Set.
Go!
Well, I guess it's pretty easy
to see who won that, Al.
We have to tape our stuff...
Yes, it is, Tim.
Randy, get this
off of me right now.
Dad, no man has ever escaped
Randy's Handcuffs of Death.
Spray Dad with silly string.
No, don't spray Dad with
silly string. Cap those things.
Take these off right now. Fun is fun.
Come on. What are the magic words?
No allowance.
Hey, Dad, I heard
a great joke today.
What was it? OK.
What did the moron
have for breakfast?
I don't know.
This morning you had
scrambled eggs and toast.
(boys laughing)
OK, it's family night.
What have we decided to do?
We wanna play video games.
(all) Yeah!
No, I think that we
should just stay home
and play charades.
(all) Aah!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Bowling. How about bowling?
Haven't done that in
a while. Not bowling.
They got a video arcade
at the bowling alley.
(boys) Yeah, bowling!
Get your coats. Come on!
It'll be fun, honey.
(imitates ball rolling)
I got a great joke for you.
What?
What did the moron
have for breakfast?
Today you had cereal
and an English muffin.
(boys laughing)
(Brad) Ooh, good, Mom.
You're all wrong. I
had rye toast. Ha-ha-ha.
(Brad) Shotgun!
(Randy) Hey, no way!
Hey, I ride shotgun.
So, since we are
bowling tonight,
promise me you won't
behave like an obnoxious jerk.
What kind of jerk would you like me
to be? You're obsessed with winning.
You're the most
competitive person I know,
and when you do win,
you always do that
obnoxious victory dance.
Na-na-na-na-na-na.
I won, I won, I won.
Oh, you frighten me
sometimes, honey.
You're just doing that
because you always lose.
Always lose? We
only play once a year.
And you always lose.
You can't help
you're a lousy bowler.
You're a woman.
Nothing gets by you, huh, Tim?
The point I'm trying to make
is it's not fair for women
to compete with men.
Heck, men, we're stronger,
we throw the ball harder...
Uh, we're stronger,
so we throw the ball harder.
Well put, Tim. You're not
gonna behave like a jerk tonight
because we're not going to
compete, we're not gonna keep score.
How do we know who wins?
We don't care about
winning, only about having fun.
All right, we'll have
fun. You'll have fun.
We won't keep score,
we won't compete.
All right.
Race you to the car.
No!
Come on, come on. In 3.1...
This is stupid. 1...
I'm not doing it. 2...
Besides, your shoelace
is untied. 3! (laughs)
OK, this is all
you're gonna get.
Don't come begging
for more quarters.
(Brad and Randy) Thanks, Mom.
Tim, what is this?
I thought you said we
weren't gonna keep score.
I'm just putting our names
down so we know whose turn it is.
There's only two of us playing.
After my turn, whose turn is it?
I don't know. Let
me check the sheet.
Well, look at
that. It's my turn.
Just shut up and bowl.
OK.
Mark, you're gonna be
seeing raw power in motion.
Ar-ar-ar-ar.
Raw power in the form of
precision fluid movements
with a bowling pin-type radar
that will destroy
everything in its path.
(grunting)
Gutter ball.
I had a little muscle
cramp or something.
(Jill laughs)
You always gotta warm up
before you bowl that first one.
Well, now I show
no mercy at all.
See that set down there,
that one pin still shaking?
You know why that's shaking?
'Cause that pin
knows what's coming.
That pin's going, "Please,
please, Master Bowler,
don't hit me!"
You're dead, pin.
You're dead!
You and your nine
scrawny friends, too.
Uhh.
Uhh!
Yay, Dad, you did it.
You knocked down that one pin!
Yeah, and you left his
nine scrawny friends.
Jill, would you do me a favor
and walk down in the alley
and dress up like a
bowling pin for me?
Well, that is the one place I
wouldn't get hit by a bowling ball.
Look at this guy. He
has 120,000 points.
Randy, what's your best?
1,000,005, but tonight
I'm gonna beat it,
and it's gonna
say my initials "RT"
right on the top of the screen.
Hey. Hey!
What?
That's my machine.
Oh, yeah. Is your name Zaxxon?
I just put a quarter in it.
You can play the next game.
And what if I
wanna play this one?
Well, well, well,
looks like I got a free game.
Hey, that's my quarter.
Duh. Really?
Hey, Duh, you better let
my brother play the game.
Oh, you really got me worried.
Always scares me when I can
see the top of somebody's head.
Brad, come on.
We don't have to take this.
Yes, we do! Oh, my God.
Hey, Duh, if it
wasn't for my brother,
you'd be dead meat.
Yeah? Rrah!
Please, please, please...
I hope the ball gets to the pins
before the lanes close, hon.
Yes! Yes!
You knocked them all down!
Yes, honey, that's
called a strike.
You didn't knock 'em down.
They dropped dead from boredom.
Hey, it doesn't matter
how they get down
as long as they get down.
Wait a minute. What's this?
We're not gonna compete.
We're just here for fun.
What's this all about?
Well, I'm not
keeping score here.
I'm just writing down
that I got a strike.
If you like, I can write
down that you got a... one.
The only reason you got a strike
is 'cause we're not competing.
Oh. Oh, so if we were competing,
then you'd be throwing the strikes
and I'd be throwing the gutter balls?
Yes, because women
collapse under pressure.
Oh, really?
Well, that last ball
was a practice ball.
This one counts.
We're keeping score.
I thought you didn't
want to keep score.
Oh, is the great,
big bad bowling man
afraid his itty-bitty wife
is gonna beat him?
Is the itty-bitty wife
afraid the great,
big bowling man
is gonna leave her
in the parking lot?!
OK. We're having some fun now.
Ahchoo!
Gesundheit.
Please, please, please,
please, please, please,
please, please,
please, please...
(pins clatter) Yes!
Two strikes in a row! Yes!
Ah!
I sucked you in now.
It's time for the real
bowling to start now.
Go, Daddy! Hit another pin!
(Jill laughs)
Hey, Timmy! Hey-hey!
Hey. Whoa.
Hey, sorry, pal. Didn't
mean to throw ya.
Hey, Rock. Hey, Dwayne, Pete.
Remember these guys... the
cooking show on Tool Time?
Oh, yes. This is my wife Jill.
And my youngest
boy Mark and my ball.
Hey, Roger, we're gonna
be bowling next to a superstar.
You recognize that
guy? Yeah, sure do.
How you doing, buddy?
How you doing?
That's Tim "the
Tool Man" Taylor.
He works with Al.
You know, I love Al.
Al's great.
Hey, we all love
Al. (Rock) Yeah.
Hey, Tim, we're gonna be
practicing right here next to you.
We got a league game tonight.
Boy, Pete, it sure is
gonna be intimidati"
bowling next to a
celebrity like Tim Taylor.
Oh, you got that right.
Hey, Tim, I bet you got
a real high average, huh?
I don't like to brag,
you know, but...
I've knocked a few
pins down in my day.
I know of one tonight.
Come on, guys. We got a
game soon. Let's get ready.
You folks go right ahead. Just
pretend we're not even here.
Good to see you
guys. You, too, Timmy.
(Velcro ripping)
(Velcro rips)
Guys...
Sorry.
(Jill laughs)
You knocked down all their pins.
(laughing)
Come on, guys. That's a joke.
Oh! Good one, pal.
Hey! Hey, anybody can knock
down the pins in their own lane.
Oh, yeah.
Aw, man, awesome.
You're gonna beat the record.
Shh! You'll break
my concentration.
He's gonna break whose record?
(Brad) The guy
in first place... CP.
Hey, hey, those are my initials.
Bummer.
I don't have to play.
No, play. He's gonna
beat your record.
No, I'm not. Yes, you are.
No, he's not!
See, 'cause this machine
breaks down all the time.
See? Broken.
You didn't have
to pull the plug.
Yeah? So I did. What are
you gonna do about it, huh?
Hey, don't shove my brother.
What, you mean like this?
(sighs)
Look, you win,
'cause you're bigger,
you're stronger...
I just wanna say one thing.
What?
Rrah! Oh!
(Brad yelling)
Ow!
Come on, come on, let him go.
No. First say...
that I'm the king of Zaxxon.
Don't do anything
he says, Randy.
If I say it, will you
let him go? Maybe.
OK. You're the king of
Zaxxon. Now, let him go.
No. First I want you
to tell me that I'm...
I'm the best-looking
guy in the bowling alley.
Oh, gag me. Aah!
OK, you're the
best-looking guy here.
Hey, thanks for the compliment.
And don't touch
my machine again.
That guy was a dip wad.
No kidding, but
why'd you give in?
I was just getting
ready to make my move.
Yeah, to the hospital.
How could you say he
was the king of Zaxxon?
You're ten times
better than him.
Forget about that.
We've gotta get
even with this guy.
I could jump him from behind.
Yeah, and he'll wedge
you into the floor.
You got a better idea?
Yeah, I do.
Come on, follow me. OK.
Please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please...
(pins clatter) (all
but Tim) Yeah!
Hey, Mrs. Taylor,
four strikes in a row.
Uh, I don't mean to
criticize you there, Timmy,
but you didn't carry
over her last strike.
See, that would make
that a 134, not a 124.
Good eye, Rock.
Mark, Mark, come on.
Hey, hey, hey, where you going?
Um, Mark's coming with us.
Well, OK, but you
keep an eye on him.
Boy, Tim, you're
really taking this well.
I mean, if my wife were
beating the pants off of me,
I'd be looking for
a place to hide.
Actually, Rock, I'm trying
to go easy on my wife.
She's had a bad week.
Her mom was convicted
of grand theft auto.
Hmm. You're a good man, Tim.
Excuse me, ma'am,
but you are an
extraordinary bowler.
Oh, well, thank you,
but I don't think I'm
very extraordinary.
It's just that my
approach to the game
is somewhat
different than Tim's.
And better.
Uh, me and Pete,
we was wonderin',
what is your secret?
No, it sounds too stupid.
Oh, come on, honey. Tell 'em.
(Dwayne) Yeah.
Well, OK, I will.
I know it sounds silly,
but when I approach the line,
I always do this.
Ashes, ashes,
we all fall down.
That's it?
I know it sounds ridiculous,
but it relaxes me.
You should try it. See, just
start on your left foot and go...
(all) Ashes, ashes,
we all fall down.
And then, after I release
the ball, I always do this.
Please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please, please,
please, please...
Please, please, please,
please, please, please...
(both) Please, please,
please, please, please...
Pete? Yeah.
You're embarrassing yourself.
I am not, and you're
always criticizing.
This is neither the
time nor the place.
Fine.
Mrs. Taylor,
I'm terribly sorry to
hear about your mother.
What about my
mother? (Tim) Rock...
Ixnay onsay eft-thay
carthay please-ay?
'Nough said, Timmy.
What are you talking about?
Rock and I are
having a little fun.
Oh, yeah? You
wanna have a little fun?
Why don't we make a bet?
A bet? How about in the
form of public humiliation?
We let people watch you bowl?
(laughing)
No, I was thinking maybe
the loser has to
kiss the winner's...
What?
Bowling shoes.
(all groan)
Right here in
front of everybody.
(all) Ah!
All right, you're on.
(kissing noise)
He's coming. He's coming.
OK, Mark, hide over there.
Brad, you know
what to do. I'm ready.
Hey, thought I told you
boys not to touch my machine.
I've got news for you. My
brother's gonna get high score.
I don't think so.
Get out of my way, maggot.
Now.
What do you think you're doing?
Get these cuffs off me!
I'll break both your faces.
You just come here.
Come here. I don't think so.
Mark, ammo.
Oh, you guys are dead meat.
Dead meat! Whoa! Whoa! Stop!
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, stop it!
You stop it right now! (Mark)
Brad, I think you missed a spot.
(men) Yeah!
Strike!
Great comeback, Tim. Now
you're only down by nine pins.
This is the last frame.
Just do it, all right?
Don't want to make you nervous,
Timmy, but this is the clutch shot.
Kiss 'em all and you win, buddy.
(whispers) Yes. Yes.
So wait a minute.
What are you saying?
You're saying that, like, unless
he gets down every single pin...
which is very hard to do
under all this pressure...
I win?
I think that's exactly
what he's saying, Jill.
(sighs)
(muttering) Ashes, ashes,
all fall down.
(buzzer)
(pins clatter)
Hey! Ten pins
down. All fall down.
Ten pins down. I got the crown.
I win, I win, I win, I win, I
win, I win, I win, I win, I win.
I win. I win!
Now, wait a minute,
Tim, I may be wrong,
but doesn't that buzzer
mean it's some kind
of foul or something?
It means the game's
over or something.
No, that's a foul.
That's only in tournament play.
Your strike doesn't
count, buddy.
You mean, I won? No,
it doesn't mean you w...
Yes, it does. She took
you fair and square.
Come on, guys, let's bowl.
I believed in you, Tim Taylor.
This is indeed a dark day.
I think Al could have taken her.
(men grumble)
I didn't beat you by that much.
Are you upset, Tim?
No, I had a lot of fun, Jill.
Well, that's good. That's good.
'Cause there's one
thing that you could do
that would make me really happy.
What?
Well, you could take
this old score sheet,
and you could just
have it laminated!
(laughs)
I won! I won! I won!
Na-na-na-na-na-na.
I beat you. I beat
you. I beat you.
You don't have to kiss 'em.
You can just nuzzle them
next to your cheek and whisper,
"You're the best,
Jill. You're the best."
(baby voice) You're the
best, Jill. You're the best.
This is the most
perfect night of my life.
Nothing could
ruin it. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Are these your boys?
What did they do?
They handcuffed a
kid to a video game
and they covered
him with silly string.
Oh, those aren't my boys. I
never seen 'em before in my life.
(both) Aah!
Mom, you don't understand.
He had Brad in a headlock.
Yeah, he was messing up my hair.
I don't care.
You should have
come to us first.
Dad, you always say we
should stand up for ourselves.
It's a good idea, normally, but
this time you got a big problem.
That guy is free
now, pretty angry,
and still a lot bigger
than you guys.
He's gonna destroy you
guys. This will be great!
You gotta admit this is a
good way of getting back
at people that humiliate you in
public. Don't even think about it.
Nice draw. You thought I was
gonna spray you with this silly string.
Yes, I did. Now, put it down.
You put that down first.
OK, we'll put it down together.
On the count of three.
Your shoe's untied.
I know. Aah!
once again to Tool Time.
I'm Tim Taylor, and of
course you all know Al.
Borland.
Al, why would they need
to know your last name?
You always tell
them your last name.
Al, if they don't know who I am,
they won't know
who you are, right, Al?
Borland.
Well, we're gonna be hanging
some dry wall today, Al Borland.
That's right, Tim... Taylor.
Since we're hanging it,
maybe we'll need a noose.
I don't think so, Tim.
I'll be hanging the
wallboard today
with my trusty
Binford crown hammer.
It's one of the
best you can buy.
Now, when hanging wallboard,
always make your nail flush.
That gives you
the perfect dimple.
Suppose they call it a
dimple because it's...
No, I don't, Tim.
Hanging dry wall is
actually pretty easy.
Easy procedure if
you follow instructions.
Matter of fact, if you follow
the proper instructions,
it takes hardly any time at all.
Al, I didn't say to go yet.
(mumbles) Well, I was...
I was just trying
to speed things up.
This isn't a race,
Al. I know that, Tim.
Because if it was, I think
you know what would happen.
Yes, I do, Tim.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Sounds like a little
challenge from Mr. Al Borland.
You don't really want to
compete with me, do you?
Well, Tim, when it
comes to you and me,
there is no competition.
Maybe the audience
would like to see
a little friendly wallboard
race between Al and I.
What do you think, folks?
(cheers and applause)
Let's see who can nail this
bad boy top to bottom first.
Ready?
Ready.
Set? Set.
Go!
Well, I guess it's pretty easy
to see who won that, Al.
We have to tape our stuff...
Yes, it is, Tim.
Randy, get this
off of me right now.
Dad, no man has ever escaped
Randy's Handcuffs of Death.
Spray Dad with silly string.
No, don't spray Dad with
silly string. Cap those things.
Take these off right now. Fun is fun.
Come on. What are the magic words?
No allowance.
Hey, Dad, I heard
a great joke today.
What was it? OK.
What did the moron
have for breakfast?
I don't know.
This morning you had
scrambled eggs and toast.
(boys laughing)
OK, it's family night.
What have we decided to do?
We wanna play video games.
(all) Yeah!
No, I think that we
should just stay home
and play charades.
(all) Aah!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Bowling. How about bowling?
Haven't done that in
a while. Not bowling.
They got a video arcade
at the bowling alley.
(boys) Yeah, bowling!
Get your coats. Come on!
It'll be fun, honey.
(imitates ball rolling)
I got a great joke for you.
What?
What did the moron
have for breakfast?
Today you had cereal
and an English muffin.
(boys laughing)
(Brad) Ooh, good, Mom.
You're all wrong. I
had rye toast. Ha-ha-ha.
(Brad) Shotgun!
(Randy) Hey, no way!
Hey, I ride shotgun.
So, since we are
bowling tonight,
promise me you won't
behave like an obnoxious jerk.
What kind of jerk would you like me
to be? You're obsessed with winning.
You're the most
competitive person I know,
and when you do win,
you always do that
obnoxious victory dance.
Na-na-na-na-na-na.
I won, I won, I won.
Oh, you frighten me
sometimes, honey.
You're just doing that
because you always lose.
Always lose? We
only play once a year.
And you always lose.
You can't help
you're a lousy bowler.
You're a woman.
Nothing gets by you, huh, Tim?
The point I'm trying to make
is it's not fair for women
to compete with men.
Heck, men, we're stronger,
we throw the ball harder...
Uh, we're stronger,
so we throw the ball harder.
Well put, Tim. You're not
gonna behave like a jerk tonight
because we're not going to
compete, we're not gonna keep score.
How do we know who wins?
We don't care about
winning, only about having fun.
All right, we'll have
fun. You'll have fun.
We won't keep score,
we won't compete.
All right.
Race you to the car.
No!
Come on, come on. In 3.1...
This is stupid. 1...
I'm not doing it. 2...
Besides, your shoelace
is untied. 3! (laughs)
OK, this is all
you're gonna get.
Don't come begging
for more quarters.
(Brad and Randy) Thanks, Mom.
Tim, what is this?
I thought you said we
weren't gonna keep score.
I'm just putting our names
down so we know whose turn it is.
There's only two of us playing.
After my turn, whose turn is it?
I don't know. Let
me check the sheet.
Well, look at
that. It's my turn.
Just shut up and bowl.
OK.
Mark, you're gonna be
seeing raw power in motion.
Ar-ar-ar-ar.
Raw power in the form of
precision fluid movements
with a bowling pin-type radar
that will destroy
everything in its path.
(grunting)
Gutter ball.
I had a little muscle
cramp or something.
(Jill laughs)
You always gotta warm up
before you bowl that first one.
Well, now I show
no mercy at all.
See that set down there,
that one pin still shaking?
You know why that's shaking?
'Cause that pin
knows what's coming.
That pin's going, "Please,
please, Master Bowler,
don't hit me!"
You're dead, pin.
You're dead!
You and your nine
scrawny friends, too.
Uhh.
Uhh!
Yay, Dad, you did it.
You knocked down that one pin!
Yeah, and you left his
nine scrawny friends.
Jill, would you do me a favor
and walk down in the alley
and dress up like a
bowling pin for me?
Well, that is the one place I
wouldn't get hit by a bowling ball.
Look at this guy. He
has 120,000 points.
Randy, what's your best?
1,000,005, but tonight
I'm gonna beat it,
and it's gonna
say my initials "RT"
right on the top of the screen.
Hey. Hey!
What?
That's my machine.
Oh, yeah. Is your name Zaxxon?
I just put a quarter in it.
You can play the next game.
And what if I
wanna play this one?
Well, well, well,
looks like I got a free game.
Hey, that's my quarter.
Duh. Really?
Hey, Duh, you better let
my brother play the game.
Oh, you really got me worried.
Always scares me when I can
see the top of somebody's head.
Brad, come on.
We don't have to take this.
Yes, we do! Oh, my God.
Hey, Duh, if it
wasn't for my brother,
you'd be dead meat.
Yeah? Rrah!
Please, please, please...
I hope the ball gets to the pins
before the lanes close, hon.
Yes! Yes!
You knocked them all down!
Yes, honey, that's
called a strike.
You didn't knock 'em down.
They dropped dead from boredom.
Hey, it doesn't matter
how they get down
as long as they get down.
Wait a minute. What's this?
We're not gonna compete.
We're just here for fun.
What's this all about?
Well, I'm not
keeping score here.
I'm just writing down
that I got a strike.
If you like, I can write
down that you got a... one.
The only reason you got a strike
is 'cause we're not competing.
Oh. Oh, so if we were competing,
then you'd be throwing the strikes
and I'd be throwing the gutter balls?
Yes, because women
collapse under pressure.
Oh, really?
Well, that last ball
was a practice ball.
This one counts.
We're keeping score.
I thought you didn't
want to keep score.
Oh, is the great,
big bad bowling man
afraid his itty-bitty wife
is gonna beat him?
Is the itty-bitty wife
afraid the great,
big bowling man
is gonna leave her
in the parking lot?!
OK. We're having some fun now.
Ahchoo!
Gesundheit.
Please, please, please,
please, please, please,
please, please,
please, please...
(pins clatter) Yes!
Two strikes in a row! Yes!
Ah!
I sucked you in now.
It's time for the real
bowling to start now.
Go, Daddy! Hit another pin!
(Jill laughs)
Hey, Timmy! Hey-hey!
Hey. Whoa.
Hey, sorry, pal. Didn't
mean to throw ya.
Hey, Rock. Hey, Dwayne, Pete.
Remember these guys... the
cooking show on Tool Time?
Oh, yes. This is my wife Jill.
And my youngest
boy Mark and my ball.
Hey, Roger, we're gonna
be bowling next to a superstar.
You recognize that
guy? Yeah, sure do.
How you doing, buddy?
How you doing?
That's Tim "the
Tool Man" Taylor.
He works with Al.
You know, I love Al.
Al's great.
Hey, we all love
Al. (Rock) Yeah.
Hey, Tim, we're gonna be
practicing right here next to you.
We got a league game tonight.
Boy, Pete, it sure is
gonna be intimidati"
bowling next to a
celebrity like Tim Taylor.
Oh, you got that right.
Hey, Tim, I bet you got
a real high average, huh?
I don't like to brag,
you know, but...
I've knocked a few
pins down in my day.
I know of one tonight.
Come on, guys. We got a
game soon. Let's get ready.
You folks go right ahead. Just
pretend we're not even here.
Good to see you
guys. You, too, Timmy.
(Velcro ripping)
(Velcro rips)
Guys...
Sorry.
(Jill laughs)
You knocked down all their pins.
(laughing)
Come on, guys. That's a joke.
Oh! Good one, pal.
Hey! Hey, anybody can knock
down the pins in their own lane.
Oh, yeah.
Aw, man, awesome.
You're gonna beat the record.
Shh! You'll break
my concentration.
He's gonna break whose record?
(Brad) The guy
in first place... CP.
Hey, hey, those are my initials.
Bummer.
I don't have to play.
No, play. He's gonna
beat your record.
No, I'm not. Yes, you are.
No, he's not!
See, 'cause this machine
breaks down all the time.
See? Broken.
You didn't have
to pull the plug.
Yeah? So I did. What are
you gonna do about it, huh?
Hey, don't shove my brother.
What, you mean like this?
(sighs)
Look, you win,
'cause you're bigger,
you're stronger...
I just wanna say one thing.
What?
Rrah! Oh!
(Brad yelling)
Ow!
Come on, come on, let him go.
No. First say...
that I'm the king of Zaxxon.
Don't do anything
he says, Randy.
If I say it, will you
let him go? Maybe.
OK. You're the king of
Zaxxon. Now, let him go.
No. First I want you
to tell me that I'm...
I'm the best-looking
guy in the bowling alley.
Oh, gag me. Aah!
OK, you're the
best-looking guy here.
Hey, thanks for the compliment.
And don't touch
my machine again.
That guy was a dip wad.
No kidding, but
why'd you give in?
I was just getting
ready to make my move.
Yeah, to the hospital.
How could you say he
was the king of Zaxxon?
You're ten times
better than him.
Forget about that.
We've gotta get
even with this guy.
I could jump him from behind.
Yeah, and he'll wedge
you into the floor.
You got a better idea?
Yeah, I do.
Come on, follow me. OK.
Please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please...
(pins clatter) (all
but Tim) Yeah!
Hey, Mrs. Taylor,
four strikes in a row.
Uh, I don't mean to
criticize you there, Timmy,
but you didn't carry
over her last strike.
See, that would make
that a 134, not a 124.
Good eye, Rock.
Mark, Mark, come on.
Hey, hey, hey, where you going?
Um, Mark's coming with us.
Well, OK, but you
keep an eye on him.
Boy, Tim, you're
really taking this well.
I mean, if my wife were
beating the pants off of me,
I'd be looking for
a place to hide.
Actually, Rock, I'm trying
to go easy on my wife.
She's had a bad week.
Her mom was convicted
of grand theft auto.
Hmm. You're a good man, Tim.
Excuse me, ma'am,
but you are an
extraordinary bowler.
Oh, well, thank you,
but I don't think I'm
very extraordinary.
It's just that my
approach to the game
is somewhat
different than Tim's.
And better.
Uh, me and Pete,
we was wonderin',
what is your secret?
No, it sounds too stupid.
Oh, come on, honey. Tell 'em.
(Dwayne) Yeah.
Well, OK, I will.
I know it sounds silly,
but when I approach the line,
I always do this.
Ashes, ashes,
we all fall down.
That's it?
I know it sounds ridiculous,
but it relaxes me.
You should try it. See, just
start on your left foot and go...
(all) Ashes, ashes,
we all fall down.
And then, after I release
the ball, I always do this.
Please, please, please, please,
please, please, please, please, please,
please, please...
Please, please, please,
please, please, please...
(both) Please, please,
please, please, please...
Pete? Yeah.
You're embarrassing yourself.
I am not, and you're
always criticizing.
This is neither the
time nor the place.
Fine.
Mrs. Taylor,
I'm terribly sorry to
hear about your mother.
What about my
mother? (Tim) Rock...
Ixnay onsay eft-thay
carthay please-ay?
'Nough said, Timmy.
What are you talking about?
Rock and I are
having a little fun.
Oh, yeah? You
wanna have a little fun?
Why don't we make a bet?
A bet? How about in the
form of public humiliation?
We let people watch you bowl?
(laughing)
No, I was thinking maybe
the loser has to
kiss the winner's...
What?
Bowling shoes.
(all groan)
Right here in
front of everybody.
(all) Ah!
All right, you're on.
(kissing noise)
He's coming. He's coming.
OK, Mark, hide over there.
Brad, you know
what to do. I'm ready.
Hey, thought I told you
boys not to touch my machine.
I've got news for you. My
brother's gonna get high score.
I don't think so.
Get out of my way, maggot.
Now.
What do you think you're doing?
Get these cuffs off me!
I'll break both your faces.
You just come here.
Come here. I don't think so.
Mark, ammo.
Oh, you guys are dead meat.
Dead meat! Whoa! Whoa! Stop!
Yeah! Yeah!
Hey, stop it!
You stop it right now! (Mark)
Brad, I think you missed a spot.
(men) Yeah!
Strike!
Great comeback, Tim. Now
you're only down by nine pins.
This is the last frame.
Just do it, all right?
Don't want to make you nervous,
Timmy, but this is the clutch shot.
Kiss 'em all and you win, buddy.
(whispers) Yes. Yes.
So wait a minute.
What are you saying?
You're saying that, like, unless
he gets down every single pin...
which is very hard to do
under all this pressure...
I win?
I think that's exactly
what he's saying, Jill.
(sighs)
(muttering) Ashes, ashes,
all fall down.
(buzzer)
(pins clatter)
Hey! Ten pins
down. All fall down.
Ten pins down. I got the crown.
I win, I win, I win, I win, I
win, I win, I win, I win, I win.
I win. I win!
Now, wait a minute,
Tim, I may be wrong,
but doesn't that buzzer
mean it's some kind
of foul or something?
It means the game's
over or something.
No, that's a foul.
That's only in tournament play.
Your strike doesn't
count, buddy.
You mean, I won? No,
it doesn't mean you w...
Yes, it does. She took
you fair and square.
Come on, guys, let's bowl.
I believed in you, Tim Taylor.
This is indeed a dark day.
I think Al could have taken her.
(men grumble)
I didn't beat you by that much.
Are you upset, Tim?
No, I had a lot of fun, Jill.
Well, that's good. That's good.
'Cause there's one
thing that you could do
that would make me really happy.
What?
Well, you could take
this old score sheet,
and you could just
have it laminated!
(laughs)
I won! I won! I won!
Na-na-na-na-na-na.
I beat you. I beat
you. I beat you.
You don't have to kiss 'em.
You can just nuzzle them
next to your cheek and whisper,
"You're the best,
Jill. You're the best."
(baby voice) You're the
best, Jill. You're the best.
This is the most
perfect night of my life.
Nothing could
ruin it. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Are these your boys?
What did they do?
They handcuffed a
kid to a video game
and they covered
him with silly string.
Oh, those aren't my boys. I
never seen 'em before in my life.
(both) Aah!
Mom, you don't understand.
He had Brad in a headlock.
Yeah, he was messing up my hair.
I don't care.
You should have
come to us first.
Dad, you always say we
should stand up for ourselves.
It's a good idea, normally, but
this time you got a big problem.
That guy is free
now, pretty angry,
and still a lot bigger
than you guys.
He's gonna destroy you
guys. This will be great!
You gotta admit this is a
good way of getting back
at people that humiliate you in
public. Don't even think about it.
Nice draw. You thought I was
gonna spray you with this silly string.
Yes, I did. Now, put it down.
You put that down first.
OK, we'll put it down together.
On the count of three.
Your shoe's untied.
I know. Aah!