Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 14 - For Whom the Belch Tolls - full transcript

Now, remember what I told you.

Plant your elbow inside
your knee, like this.

All right. And don't
just lift your arm.

Pull the weight
to your shoulder.

Good. Good. Now,
exhale on exertion.

(exhales)

Try grunting. It helps.

(both grunting)

Good. Brad, you're gonna be
real strong if you keep this up.

I'm gonna be the strongest
one on the football team.

I can see it now
- Bradley Taylor,



the muscular son of Tim
Taylor, is carrying the ball.

He's got 60 people
dragging behind him,

30, the 20, the ten...

Ah, he fell because his
muscles are just too big!

Hey, Brad. Your
muscles look really big.

You think so? Yeah.

The one in your head.
You better watch it.

Settle, boys. I'll
give you haircuts.

Whoa, muscle beach,
right in my own garage.

Wrong, honey. This is the
Tim Taylor testosterone hour.

I got an idea.
Let's flex for her.

Drop the weights.
Brad, take the coat off.

All right, guys, prepare
yourselves. Ready?

Egyptian biception.



Arrgh!

Whoa!

Buttocks flex.

Ahh!

The three-point crab.

Aah! Whoa!

Very scary.
Incredible. Ten points.

(Austrian accent) I pump
for you, my little edelweiss.

(Austrian accent)
Where is the oil?

Well, stick around. I'll
smear you with bacon grease.

I'll be back.

Tim, don't forget to pick up
some videos tonight after work.

Yeah, Dad. How about
we get Bury Me Again?

Hey, no! It's family night.

Yeah, yeah. It's family night.

Oh, how about Bayonet
Hell? (boys) Yeah!

Hey! It's my turn to pick.
You're gonna get Sound of Music.

Aah!

(phone ringing) I'll get it.

Family movie.

Hey, Dad, how about we get
Fang Woman? She had a family.

She ate her family.

Tim! Coming.

He'll be right there.
What's the matter?

Stu Cutler. Calling from Akron?

No, he's in town. Great.

Do not invite that
slug over here tonight.

Come on, he's one of
my best friends. Come on.

Hey, puke face.

How's it hanging?

And deep. (laughs)

So, they let you back in town.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. We
gotta see each other.

Jill would love to see ya.

This afternoon?

I gotta work this Saturday.
Yeah, we're working all day.

Huh? Come over there.
Yeah, that'd be great.

Uh-huh. Not even with your lips.

Yeah. See ya.

Oh, boy. Please say he's
not coming over tonight.

This is family night. We have chili,
cornbread, The Sound of Music.

I didn't invite him over. I
said I'd meet him after work.

We'll have a couple beers.
I'll come home after that.

Alone. Yes. Why are
you so hard on Stu?

The last time he was
here, he shook up a beer

and sprayed it all
over the family room.

Foam fight. He
likes to clown around.

His idea of clowning around is
drinking and making body noises.

So?

He likes to drink
beer and make music.

Playing "The Girl from Ipanema"
in his armpit is not musical.

You ever tried that?

And that's how you
beat old man winter,

by installing a properly
clad aluminum storm window

inside your wood frame window.

Now, no less effective
and sometimes less costly

is a solid plastic sheeting
on the inside of your window.

Right, Al? That's right, Tim.

We've taken a three-millimeter
piece of plastic sheeting.

Cut it two inches larger
than our exterior frame.

Right, Al. And we've tucked
it over the top, taped it,

and now we're ready to shrink
it using an electric hair dryer.

Lisa?

Here you go, Tim. Thanks.

We do this to get a wrinkle-free
clear covering over our windows.

(turns on hair dryer)

Now, this works best. If you
don't happen to have a hair dryer,

you can always get your
mother-in-law over to the house

and have her yap at
the window for a while.

(high-pitched voice) "You know,
you should've married Dr. Conrad.

"He's a brain surgeon.

No! You end up with this
loser on the tool show."

Aah!

Ohh! I'm ju...

You don't want to irritate any
mother-in-laws, though, do you, Al?

You already have, Tim.

That's it for me, Tim
"the tool man" Taylor,

reminding you to get those
storm windows and doors in early

'cause you never know when that
storm's gonna come rolling through.

See you next time.

(♪ Tool Time theme song)

Taylor! Oh, God!

Cutler?

Hey, buddy!

Good to see you, man.
Good to see you, too.

See you Monday, Tim. Wait a minute,
Al. Come over here. Please, come on.

This wild dog here was my college
roommate. Stu Cutler, Al Borland.

Hi, Stu. Hey, Al.

Nice beard. Had
chili for lunch, huh?

No, I didn't, Stu. (chuckles)

So, you gotta work
with this jerk, huh, Al?

Yes, I do, Stu.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Great sense of humor.

Thank you.

He's a serious guy, but he
knows his way around a shop.

Whoa.

Kill me. Just kill me now.

She looks even better in person.

Introduce me. No.

Why not? Because
she's a coworker,

a good friend of mine, and you're
nothing but dried hog phlegm.

Watch my move.

Hi. Stu Cutler. Bye,
Tim. See you Monday.

Night, Lis.

Ah, boy.

It's good to see you
still have it, Cutler.

(chuckles)

She's not your type,
man. She can see.

Now, come on, let's
go down and get a beer.

I'll get changed up and
we'll go. Your house?

I thought we'd go to the
place on the corner we like.

You're not gonna take
me home to dinner?

I thought maybe just you
and me'd go out together.

Wait. Now, I can't come to
town without seeing Jill the pill.

She'll understand.
Like a guys' night out.

Wait. So, you don't want me to
come to your house. Is that it?

No, no, of course not. You're
always welcome at my house.

Well, let's go. Yeah, why not?

Yeah. Jill will be so
surprised to see you.

I can't wait to see
her face. Me neither.

Jill? Jill! Oh, good. You're
home. You got rid of Stu fast.

I didn't get rid of him.
He's parking his car.

Oh, no. You brought him home?

Jill, he really misses
you. He likes you.

No, he doesn't. He just
likes to make fun of me

and crush beer cans on his head.

Well, they gotta be crushed,
if we're gonna recycle 'em.

Oh, I couldnt get rid
of him. I couldn't say no.

He'll just come over and
have a beer and that will be it.

OK, but if he crosses the line,
I'm personally gonna throw him out.

What's "crossing the line"? Behavior
that would be classified as subhuman.

Can't you be a little
more flexible than that?

One beer, and he is gone. OK.

Aah-ooh! The Stuster's here!

Beer, Stu?

Read my mind. Come on in, buddy.

Whoo! Where's
that Jill? Right here.

Aah-huh-huh! Huh-ha-ha!

Ooh! (laughs)

God, you look good. Now,
you've lost some weight.

Yeah, I have. Thank you.

Now, there is a very
human compliment.

So what's the goal, another ten?

Ohh...

Tim, if you hadn't have
married Jill, I would've.

Now, there's something
to think about, honey.

Well... life would sure be
different. Well, it sure would.

Timmy, you'd be
visiting us tonight,

and Jill would be
a satisfied woman.

Almost done with that beer, Stu?

I haven't even cracked
it. So, where's the boys?

They're across the street.

Well, get 'em over here. I
gotta see those wild puppies.

Well, they wouldn't
wanna miss the Stuster.

Brad, Randy, Mark! (chimes bell)

Foam fight! Stu, come on!

I wasn't really
gonna do it. Oh, good.

I just wanted to see
the look on Jill's face.

Yep, there's that
look, right there.

Hey, the Stuster! Hey, Randy!

Whoa! Look at you. Hey, Stu.

The Bradster.

You guys are getting so big. Pretty
soon you'll be able to take the old man.

We already can. Ohh!

That hurt. Uncle Stu!

Markie! God, look at you.

You're getting
so big and strong.

We've been lifting Dad's
weights. Wanna see them?

Well, sure. Where are
they? In the garage. Come on.

Yeah. Ooh!

Daddy was posing for Mommy.

Posing as what? A man?

Oh... (grunts)

Well, did he cross the line?

Honey, you gotta admit, it's an
interesting way to begin family night, huh?

Mm-hmm.

(screams)

♪ There she was just
a-walkin' down the street

(all) ♪ Singin' do-wah
diddy-diddy down diddy-do

(Stu) ♪ She looked
good (imitate flatulence)

♪ She looked fine
(imitate flatulence)

(all) ♪ She looked
good, she looked fine

♪ And I nearly lost my mind ♪
(Stu laughing)

Hey, Taylor, think quick.

Boy, crushed and
ready to be recycled.

It's official. One
beer and he's gone.

I'm way ahead of
ya. I'll get him to go.

Hey, guys, you go inside and help to
set the table. I'm gonna talk to Uncle Stu.

Uh, not so fast, poser. I
got 150 pounds on here.

Boys, I don't think the old
man can bench press this.

One hand.

Show him, Dad. Yeah, do it.

Spot me, Cutler. Ooh!

(exhales)

(grunts)

Were you gonna do
this sometime today?

(Tim) Oh...

He's turning red. I hope
his eyes don't pop out.

Aah!

Ahh.

Are you OK, Dad?

It's easy when you
use the right form. Yeah.

Are you gonna cry?
No, I'm not gonna cry!

Go set the table.

(chuckles) Hey, you didn't
strain anything, did you?

I'll knock you out.

Hey, remember how
we used to go to the gym,

practically kill ourselves trying
to impress Donna Gilmore?

Donna Gilmore.

I haven't seen or
heard from her in years.

Hey, remember you
and me and Donna

driving around
in our '68 Impala,

top down, her blond
hair blowing in the wind?

Oh, God, she was a beauty.

Sure was. What a car.

That was a 327 small block, man.

I had a big Holley 850
dual feed on that thing.

Had tubular
headers, glass packs,

chromed the knuter valve.

Hey, you know what I
got? I know what you got.

Picture of that Impala.
(both) Hood up. Hood down.

(Stu) There's a
screamin' machine.

This would be a classic today if
it weren't for that little fire we had.

And I know I tightened
that fuel filter on.

It wasn't my fault.

Yeah, we had some
good times, haven't we?

Yeah, we have. Yeah.

Don't you wish we could go back,

live those days all over again?

They were great...

but today's real good, you know?

Not the same.

Just look me straight in the eye

and tell me that wasn't
the best time of your life.

It was good. It was good. Hmm.

Listen, Stu. Jill and I were
talking. Tonight's family night and...

Hey, wait. You've already
made me feel like family.

You know what we
need here? Another beer.

I'm all out of beer. I
should've thought of that.

I'll just go get some more.

(♪ whistling) Where's my coat?

Oh, Stu, are you leaving? Yeah.

Well, it was so nice to see
you. I hope we can do it again.

Well, let's do it
again in 15 minutes.

I'm just going to get
some beer. Beer?

It'll be my
contribution to dinner.

Ah, well, thanks.

Jill, that pile of
human vermin...

is the best friend I ever had.

Stu, you should
write greeting cards.

(belches)

Ah! There it was.

You wanna taste this chili?

I told you I'd get him
to go after one beer.

I didn't say he wouldn't
be coming back.

Try it.

Mmm. It's good.

Mmm-mm-mm.

I know that we all used to be
friends in college and everything,

but do you, um, like Stu now?

I know he can be a pain,

but we've shared
a lot of good times.

Well, if you just met him
today for the first time,

do you think that you
would become friends?

Yeah. Really?

He's a lot of laughs.

I guess I just don't get it.

It's a guy thing. Yeah.

(metal pounding)

Wilson? Hi-ho, neighbor!

What are you doing? Oh, just
pounding myself some horseshoes.

Wouldn't a pair of loafers
be more comfortable?

No, no, no, Tim.

(sizzling)

These are shoes that I toss.

Look at this, Tim.
Perfect weight.

Perfect balance.
Aerodynamically correct.

Yeah. Aah! And very, very hot.

Oh, I tell you, Tim.
I love this game.

What it is... it's
all in the wrist.

Wilson, can I ask you something?
Make your best pitch, Tim.

I've got this old
friend in town.

And I always think we're
gonna have a lot of fun,

but instead we always talk
about all the fun we used to have.

Well, there's nothing
wrong with reminiscing, Tim.

(clink)

But he thinks I'm the same
guy I was 15 years ago.

Mm-hmm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm.

And I try to be that
guy, but I'm really not.

Well, it sounds like he's spending
all his time looking backwards

and you're spending
yours looking forward.

(clink)

That's it. I can't
keep up with this guy.

The thought of crushing
a beer can on my head

makes my butt quiver.

Well, that's why
I gave it up, Tim.

(clink)

I don't know what
to do about him.

Well, it sounds to me like you're
having a hard time saying goodbye.

Why should I say goodbye?

He's been one of my
best friends for 15 years.

Oh, has he, Tim? Or was he
your best friend 15 years ago?

You see, Tim, I believe
it was St. Paul who said,

"When I was a child,
I spoke as a child,

I understood as a child,
I thought as a child -

but when I became a man,
I put away childish things."

(grunts)

Aah-ooh! Aah-ooh!

Hey, guess who I ran
into down at the store.

Mike Forshay and Tino.

Hey, Tino. What are
those guys up to now?

Oh, they're still a
couple of wild dogs.

They're going down to the
Club Piranha and get crazy.

I told them you and I
would meet them there.

I'm not going to Club Piranha.

Well, you have to go.

You remember back in college
the four of us stayed up 36 hours,

and then drove
halfway to Mexico City

with the emergency brake on?

I'm not going out
tonight. Why not?

Stu, I thought we
were gonna stay here.

You know, watching TV with
the video, chili with the kids?

Oh, right, the family thing.

No problem. I'll call
Tino and Forshay.

They can get a keg of
beer and come over here.

No, Stu. No.

Hey, this is Tino and
Forshay. It'll be like old times.

Tell you what, why don't you
go down to the Club Piranha

and you hang out with
those guys tonight?

Without you? Come
on! It won't be the same.

Well, Stu, I don't
think it is the same.

Dad. Dinner's ready.
Can I turn on the video?

Not now. OK.

What are you watching?
The Sound of Music.

The Sound of Music.

Maybe I will go down and
meet Forshay and Tino.

Would I be a real
jerk if I skipped dinner

and kinda headed out down
there? No, no, not at all. Skip.

Well, I just don't
wanna disappoint Jill.

Don't worry about
it. It'll be rough,

but I'll be able
to smooth it out.

Oh, how lovely. We'll
have dinner music.

Boys. Perfect timing.

Come on, Uncle
Stu, sit by us. Yeah.

Well, buddies, I gotta
be heading out. Why?

Jill, I know this is gonna be a
tremendous disappointment, all of you.

Stu can't stay for
dinner or the movie.

Aw.

I ran into some old buddies.

We're just gonna go out to
have some of coffee and talk.

Coffee?

Bye, Jill. Goodbye.

It was nice to see ya. It
was good to see you too.

You be good, huh?

Yeah! Yeah.

(Mark) Bye. Take care.

Bye, Uncle Stu.

If you and Tino and Forshay
get crazy, you call a cab, all right?

Always do.

Hey, next time I'm in town,

I'll give you a little
more warning when I call.

Do that. Yeah, we'll
still get together.

Hang out. Have some laughs.

Just like the old days, eh?

Like the old days.
Hey, man. See ya.

Hey. Tell you what
- keep the beer.

You go ahead. Come on.

See ya. See ya.

Everything OK? Perfect.

OK, Dad, the movie's ready.

OK, all right. Everybody
can see? Yep.

Oh, wait. I need
my box of tissues.

OK. Ready?

(♪ drums)

Wait a minute. This isn't The
Sound of Music. This is Bayonet Hell?

Yeah!

Last time we showed you how to
install an aluminum storm window

on an existing wooden frame.

Today we hung a storm door
on an existing wood frame.

Now, the important thing about
putting a door in is hanging it.

Because if it's not hung well,
you got a problem, right, Al?

Speak for yourself, Tim.

When installing the door, you've got to
make it fit exactly like it's supposed to.

So make sure your hinge
is aligned with the king stud.

Well, thank you, Tm.

It's also very
important to remember

that doors often
change with age.

(grunting) The
older a door gets...

the more warped it becomes.

Sometimes we forget that
things change with age.

So remember... to
check those doors.

They may not fit
like you remembered.

(crash)

(woman) Stand by, please. OK.

Let's do that five-count.

Four... three...

(woman) And five,
four, three, two...

As you remember, last time
we showed you how to install

an aluminum storm window
in an existing storm door.

(chuckles)

Good night. I'll
be here all week.

Try the veal.

OK. I'll get it this
time. (woman) OK.

Here we go. We're
having some fun, though.

That's what counts,
isn't it? In five, four...

Here? Great. We're here.

All right. Well, let's go
here, then. In five, four...

three, two... Two. (sighs)

In five, four, three, two...

On last week's show...
Excuse me. Let's start again.

Now, remember, those
important-por-por...

Last time we showed
you how to install

your storm window over
an existing storm w...

Rolling. Stand by, please.

Sign my checks.
Stand by, please.