Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 15 - Forever Jung - full transcript
At home: Brad is going on his first date, but is uncomfortable about having to learn how to dance. Jill's friend Karen is coming for a visit; she and Tim don't like each other. Karen mocks Tim about his power tools, saying that men buy them because they are insecure about their manhood, then claims men are aggressive and destructive and that society is male-dominated. Tim claims his relationship with Jill is an equal one, but Karen comes up with tricky questions to test that. On "Tool Time": Tim demonstrates how to apply laminate. The process involves a new instant glue, the use of which requires great care - which Tim does not quite manage.
We were on a manly
mission today, honey.
I initiated Mark.
I took him down to
Kelley's hardware store.
We went through
every inch of that.
Mark, where are the router bits?
Aisle 2A.
All right. Screwdrivers?
Aisle 3B.
What's on the top shelf?
Phillips head.
What kind of
handle do they have?
Square shanked, slotted?
(growls) Yeah!
(growls) Yeah!
You are a man today, Mark,
and, you know, a
man just isn't a man
without his own... Hank
the Handyman Drill.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, honey, you should
have been there with us.
It was the winter
warehouse sale.
Everything was half off.
Yeah, and I suppose
you only got the essentials.
You bet.
Butterfly hinges, casing
knife, point driver...
Oh, well, every house
needs a point driver.
What is this essential thing?
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
This is the ultimate power tool.
Binford's best. 4000 series...
reciprocating saw.
3/4-horse motor.
No tool arsenal is
complete without this thing.
Pure power.
You could saw through the
refrigerator with this thing.
Wouldn't it be easier
to open the door?
Mom, Dad... Yeah, honey.
Jennifer Sadarski
wants to take me
to her parents' anniversary
party tomorrow night.
Wow. That sounds like fun.
First date. Hot stuff.
It's not a date.
Me and Jennifer are just gonna go
to her country club and have dinner.
Not a date. No.
So, when she introduces you, it'll
be, "Hi, this is Brad, my eating partner."
Dad...
Oh, the country club.
You're gonna get
to get all dressed up.
But you know what?
You need a new tie.
What's wrong
with the tie I've got?
Well, nothing,
except I don't think
the Slurpee stains
go with your shirt.
Karen and I are going shopping.
We'll pick you up a new
one. OK. Thanks, Mom.
Karen's coming over here?
Yeah. She'll be here any minute.
Every time she comes over,
she twists everything I say
into some feminist argument.
Why don't you meet
her at the store?
Oh, come on, Tim.
She's my good friend.
I like her. (doorbell rings)
She just comes over
here to make fun of me.
That's why I like her.
(both) Hi!
Oh, you look so pretty.
I love your skirt. Thanks.
You want to have some coffee and
fat food before we go? Yes, let's do.
Tim is so looking forward to
seeing you. Oh, and me him.
Hello, Tim.
Hi, Karen. How's work?
Good. What in the world is that?
Come on, Karen,
don't you know a reciprocating
saw when you see one?
It cuts through
any thick surface...
refrigerator, walls, Tim's head.
Ar-ar-ar.
I think we know
why Tim bought that.
OK, here we go.
What are we gonna
make fun of today?
My show? No, grunting. Tools.
Oh, well, Tim, I mean,
it is a very big powerful tool.
I see. You think
I've gotta have this
just to prove my manhood.
You said it. I didn't say that.
I bought the saw
because it saws.
That's what saws
do, Karen. They saw.
Uh-huh. It certainly
is a large saw.
Well, thank you very much.
I'll be in the garage
where I belong.
Oh, men get so insecure
when you make fun of their tools.
Tell me about it.
I am not insecure.
Honey, when we say "men,"
we're not talking about you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Oh, you gals go ahead and laugh.
I just want you to know
I'm a very secure man.
You know, Jill, I can understand
why men like all these
big powerful tools.
Do tell.
All right.
They feed right into their
destructive and aggressive...
tendencies.
Well, thank you, Oprah.
Oh, come on, Tim, look at
all the wars you've started.
Jill, how many
wars have I started?
She just means that most
wars are started by men.
Women start wars, too.
Did you see the film
War of the Amazons?
Whoa, he got us there.
Oh, boy, does he ever.
I'll have you know those
are very fierce soldiers.
I had nightmares
about that movie.
Oh, so you're intimidated by strong
women? Is that what you're saying, Tim?
When they're in
groups and naked, yeah.
Now that we've sanded
down our tabletop,
it's time to apply the
decorative laminate.
Al, you wanna spread
the glue for me, please?
I live to laminate, Tim.
While Al does that,
I'd like to speak
to you, if I could.
I'm a little cheesed.
Some people say the
reason men are into tools
is because we're insecure.
These same people say
that men are into more power
because we're
destructive and aggressive.
Well, let me explain
something to you.
We're neither
destructive or aggressive.
What we are is creative.
Let's look at some of the
things built over time using tools.
The Great Pyramids of Egypt.
The Great Wall of China.
Indy...
of Indy.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Uh, Tim, I believe
the Leaning Tower
was considered a
huge structural mistake.
Well... look at that.
That's an accomplishment.
This tower has been
leaning for over 800 years,
and it hasn't fallen over.
Kinda reminds me
of my mother-in-law.
(laughs)
I'm kidding, Nana.
Well, the glue is spread, Tim.
Oh, is it, Al? OK.
Before we get to gluing,
I want to introduce
Binford's new miracle glue.
Tim, you might wanna
remind our viewers
to be careful when
using this glue
because it will bond
instantly to your skin.
Al, we learned
in the first grade
you're not supposed
to play with glue.
Well, I was just worried
about our viewers' welfare,
as well as your welfare.
Al, these negative thoughts
can hurt people on the job site.
I don't have negative thoughts.
You do, too. No, I don't.
Do too. Do not.
Do. Not.
Well, maybe it would be better
if I just swept up here, then.
Maybe it would be better if
you just swept up, Mr. Negativity.
Not. Do.
You wanna set your laminate securely
on your shimmies, front and back.
Ohh...
Al!
Al!
We'll be right back
after these messages
from Binford.
Al.
Al, I know you're back there.
Dad's home.
I better go. I don't think
Tim wants to see me.
No, no, stay. We'll
just take it easy on him.
OK. No more making fun of him.
What is this thing on your head?
It's a little piece of table.
What happened?
Oh, Mr. Negativity...
Al... distracted me,
and I got my head
cemented to this table.
They had to take a saber
saw to get me off of that table.
Don't you think you should
go to the emergency room?
I was just there. They
said I wasn't a priority.
Why? Was there a guy with a
whole table stuck to his head?
(laughing)
Sorry. I'm sorry, honey.
We'll be good. If you
notice, I'm not laughing.
Yeah, well, we'll be good.
Come on. Randy, set the table.
OK. Dad, bend over.
Ouch. Are you sure
this is gonna work?
Yes. The hospital said that nail polish
remover would soften the glue. Ow.
You must have felt pretty
silly walking in there like that.
Oh, no, nonsense, Karen.
There are a lot
of people in there
with furniture
stuck to their heads.
I still don't understand
how you did this.
I did it because of you two. Us?
What did we do?
I was trying to make
a point on the show
that men don't just destroy things
with hammers and nails and tools.
No, they also glue.
I'm sorry, honey. We
shouldn't make fun...
Although I did hear
a great joke today.
Knock, knock.
The point I was trying to make
is that men don't
just start wars,
they build things with tools,
like this house, your
car, office buildings.
Of course they do.
They have all the jobs.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, come on, Tim, face it.
It's a male-dominated society,
and women have to
make all the compromises.
I don't know what world you live
in, but here at the Taylor household,
we have an equal relationship.
Oh, do you really
believe that, Tim?
We're a '90s couple. We share
everything 50/50 right down the middle.
Come sit down. OK, OK.
Let me give you a little test.
Jill gets a high-paying
executive position.
Ooh, I like this test already.
Do I get to have a male
secretary? You got him.
Can't type, but he looks
really cute in jeans. Perfect.
OK, so, Tim, should
she take this job?
If he's gay.
Yeah, absolutely.
The job's in Seattle.
So, it's fine. It's fine.
Well, maybe Jill doesn't
wanna uproot the kids.
No, no, the kids love the idea.
Do we move, Tim?
Karen, this is stupid.
OK, OK, let me ask
you another question.
Tool Time goes national, but
you have to move to New York.
Do you go?
Yeah, it's my job.
It'd be a perfect...
If it's OK with Jill.
Oh, so you're saying that your
job is more important than hers?
She doesn't have a job.
Answer the question, Tim.
Do you move to
New York or Seattle?
I think a lot depends
on where you'll be living.
(laughs)
Which is it, Tim?
She's just trying to confuse me.
You're avoiding the question.
I am not avoiding the question.
Is it Seattle or New York, Tim?
Detroit.
That's not answering
the question.
New York or Seattle?
New York, Seattle... You
know, I don't care where we live.
Just leave... leave me...
leave me... alone!
Ohh!
That had to hurt.
No, it didn't.
Ohh.
Ahh!
Mom, I'm not gonna
go to the party.
What's the matter, hon?
I just found out there's
gonna be an orchestra.
That means I have to dance.
Well, that'll be fun.
No, it won't.
I'll have to do
old-people dancing.
Old-people dancing?
Yeah, the kind you and Dad do.
Oh, you mean really old?
Like, where you have
to touch and junk?
Yeah.
Well, what if I teach you
how to do that old-people
touching-dancing-junk thing?
Would you go to the dance then?
I guess.
Well, it's really very simple.
I can't believe I get to teach
my oldest son how to dance!
OK, come here. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
You're gonna have to stand up
real straight like a soldier, OK?
Put this hand on my back and
this left hand in my hand here.
Ew! I can't dance
with my mother.
Hey, I used to change your
diaper and powder your butt.
Now, get over here.
You'll just follow me.
It's a real simple box
step. Real easy, OK?
Go left, together,
left, together,
right, together...
What's going on?
Left, together...
Mom's teaching me how to dance.
He's got a slow dance
tonight and he's a little scared,
but he's doing
great. I'm doing awful.
Oh, you'll be great. You
got a real good teacher.
Ready? Mm...
Left, together, left, together,
right, together,
right, together.
That's right. Good.
Left, together, right, together,
right, together. Very good.
Wilson, do you think
I'm a peace-loving guy?
Well, definitely, Tim.
You ever known
me to start any wars?
No, but I was out of
town that one weekend.
Every time Jill gets together
with her friend Karen,
they accuse me
of being aggressive
and destructive, starting wars.
They blame me for everything.
Well, Tim, that's just
the burden you bear
for living in a
patriarchal society.
Yeah. Patriarchal.
Dominated by men.
(grunts)
That's right, Tim.
Mm-hmm, from the Latin
pater, which means "father."
(laughs) Well,
shiver my timbers.
Tim, I am impressed.
Well, don't be.
I saw it on a rerun of Mannix.
The point is, it's not my fault
that women have not ruled the
world, men have ruled the world.
Well, that hasn't
always been true, Tim.
Huh?
There was a time when
we had a matriarchal society.
Matriarchal society.
Mm-hmm.
Run by maitre d's?
No, Tim, it's when
women rule the world.
Get out of here.
What, they didn't have
wars, they had Bake-Offs?
No. No, Tim, you'd be surprised.
Actually, the female of the
species can be very aggressive.
So, what you're saying is that,
when women ruled the world,
things weren't all
that peaceful and nice.
No. No, no, no, no, Tim.
Absolute power
corrupts absolutely,
with women as well as men.
In ancient Africa, they
had entire female armies.
In Babylon, they would burn a
man at the stake every spring
to ensure the
fertility of the crops.
Ugh.
That's a hell of a price
to pay for zucchini.
Well, I don't know, Tim.
Maybe one day men and women
will learn to share the power,
to cooperate rather
than dominate.
Tim, honey, this is
Jennifer Sadarski.
Jennifer, this is Brad's father.
So you're Jennifer.
Hi, Mr. Taylor. It's
nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Sit down.
Thank you.
(no audio)
What's the matter with her?
Jennifer, I love your dress.
Thank you.
And your little coat.
My dad watches
your show, Mr. Taylor.
He's a real big fan.
Hey, I'll get him an
autographed picture.
Oh, that would be great.
Uh, could you make it
of Al? He really loves Al.
We all do.
Brad, get on
down here, will ya?!
(Brad) I'll be down
in a minute, Father!
"Father"?
Bradley's so polite.
Mom, Dad, guess
what happened to Brad.
What is it?
(whispers) He got his
tie stuck in his zipper.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Brad, don't
fiddle with that.
(knocks on door)
Son, you all right?
I got it out of my zipper,
but I can't get
this tie straight.
Oh, come on, relax.
Come here, come here.
It's just a simple tie.
You did a good job.
The old Windsor knot.
Always gives you trouble.
Dad... I'm scared.
Ohh, it's good to be scared.
All guys are scared.
They are?
Yeah. Goes way back to Babylon,
when men were scared of
being burned at the stake
by a bunch of maitre d's.
Dad, I'm just scared
when I hold her
my hands will get
all sweaty and gross.
Oh. Simple trick I
used to do, all right?
Wad these up, put them
in your pants pocket. OK.
All right, the first
hint of dampness,
shove your hands in
your pockets, dry them off,
bring them back out, and
you're back in the ball game.
Yeah, but what if I
lead with the wrong foot
or step on her toes?
Dancing's not
about who's leading.
Mom says the man always leads.
Well, when men and
women are dancing correctly,
no one's leading.
You just move with the music.
You don't know
how you get there,
but you just get there.
It's kind of like how
your mom drives.
(laughing)
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Brad, you look so handsome.
And you got a very
excited young lady
waiting downstairs for you.
(Tim) Brad?
Go get 'em, tiger.
(both grunting)
Good evening, Jennifer.
You look real good.
You know, pretty, I mean.
Thanks. So do you.
Not pretty, but, well,
you know, handsome.
(gagging noises)
(Tim) Come here, you little...
I guess we should get going.
My father hates to wait.
His stomach gets upset,
and then he starts to burp.
OK, well, I just wanna
take one picture, OK?
Oh, Mom.
Better hurry up, honey.
Remember, Mr. Sadarski's
in the car getting gassy.
OK, give me big
smiles. Say "cheese."
(both) Cheese. Oh, it's stuck.
You always do this. I know.
(camera clicks) Ahh.
OK, this time for
sure. Say "cheese."
(both) Cheese.
Oh, that was great.
OK. You kids get going.
All right, now, listen,
you two have a great time.
(Jennifer) We will! Bye-bye!
(sighs)
Tim, what you said
upstairs was very nice.
Well, I was just trying to
remember my first dance.
Wanna dance?
Promise I won't lead.
Me, either.
All right.
This isn't working.
Somebody's gotta lead.
All right... together.
On three.
1... (grunts)
2... (grunts)
3.
(hums)
Oh, boy. Isn't this fun?
(chuckles)
All right, now I'll lead.
All right. It's a
beautiful rhythm.
Hands and tools.
Hands and tools.
Ever looked in the eyes of a man
who's building something like a
bamboo fly rod, mahogany boat
or a billeted steel
piece of a hot rod?
Do you see aggression
and destruction? No.
You see contentment.
Hands and tools, hands and tools
can change the world,
from building the
smallest hobbyist train
to the largest outboard
motor engines.
Look at this bad boy.
Most of you see
just a hunk of metal.
Not me. This is hundreds
of parts working a high RPM,
800 horsepower,
tolerances of 1,000,
machined by hand,
blueprinted, ported and polished.
Ar-ar-ar-ar.
But men aren't just
into power and steel.
Craftsmanship, like this
exquisite artwork here.
Not Al, the panel.
This antique Chinese
privacy screen,
on loan to us from the
Detroit Institute of Arts,
is composed of
intricate carvings.
I think 2,000
man-hours, correct?
2,000 man-hours. Imagine that.
Intricacy beyond belief.
Every delicate
little nuance as...
as delicate as crystal.
Each piece is so delicate, it
could be snapped off just like that.
Very often they made a few
movable pieces in these pieces...
kinda like those
little Chinese boxes
that you don't know
how to open 'em.
They're movable parts.
Al, do you suppose this
is movable, this piece?
I don't think so, Tim.
Go get me that glue.
What for? Are you gonna
glue it to your forehead?
mission today, honey.
I initiated Mark.
I took him down to
Kelley's hardware store.
We went through
every inch of that.
Mark, where are the router bits?
Aisle 2A.
All right. Screwdrivers?
Aisle 3B.
What's on the top shelf?
Phillips head.
What kind of
handle do they have?
Square shanked, slotted?
(growls) Yeah!
(growls) Yeah!
You are a man today, Mark,
and, you know, a
man just isn't a man
without his own... Hank
the Handyman Drill.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, honey, you should
have been there with us.
It was the winter
warehouse sale.
Everything was half off.
Yeah, and I suppose
you only got the essentials.
You bet.
Butterfly hinges, casing
knife, point driver...
Oh, well, every house
needs a point driver.
What is this essential thing?
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.
This is the ultimate power tool.
Binford's best. 4000 series...
reciprocating saw.
3/4-horse motor.
No tool arsenal is
complete without this thing.
Pure power.
You could saw through the
refrigerator with this thing.
Wouldn't it be easier
to open the door?
Mom, Dad... Yeah, honey.
Jennifer Sadarski
wants to take me
to her parents' anniversary
party tomorrow night.
Wow. That sounds like fun.
First date. Hot stuff.
It's not a date.
Me and Jennifer are just gonna go
to her country club and have dinner.
Not a date. No.
So, when she introduces you, it'll
be, "Hi, this is Brad, my eating partner."
Dad...
Oh, the country club.
You're gonna get
to get all dressed up.
But you know what?
You need a new tie.
What's wrong
with the tie I've got?
Well, nothing,
except I don't think
the Slurpee stains
go with your shirt.
Karen and I are going shopping.
We'll pick you up a new
one. OK. Thanks, Mom.
Karen's coming over here?
Yeah. She'll be here any minute.
Every time she comes over,
she twists everything I say
into some feminist argument.
Why don't you meet
her at the store?
Oh, come on, Tim.
She's my good friend.
I like her. (doorbell rings)
She just comes over
here to make fun of me.
That's why I like her.
(both) Hi!
Oh, you look so pretty.
I love your skirt. Thanks.
You want to have some coffee and
fat food before we go? Yes, let's do.
Tim is so looking forward to
seeing you. Oh, and me him.
Hello, Tim.
Hi, Karen. How's work?
Good. What in the world is that?
Come on, Karen,
don't you know a reciprocating
saw when you see one?
It cuts through
any thick surface...
refrigerator, walls, Tim's head.
Ar-ar-ar.
I think we know
why Tim bought that.
OK, here we go.
What are we gonna
make fun of today?
My show? No, grunting. Tools.
Oh, well, Tim, I mean,
it is a very big powerful tool.
I see. You think
I've gotta have this
just to prove my manhood.
You said it. I didn't say that.
I bought the saw
because it saws.
That's what saws
do, Karen. They saw.
Uh-huh. It certainly
is a large saw.
Well, thank you very much.
I'll be in the garage
where I belong.
Oh, men get so insecure
when you make fun of their tools.
Tell me about it.
I am not insecure.
Honey, when we say "men,"
we're not talking about you.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Oh, you gals go ahead and laugh.
I just want you to know
I'm a very secure man.
You know, Jill, I can understand
why men like all these
big powerful tools.
Do tell.
All right.
They feed right into their
destructive and aggressive...
tendencies.
Well, thank you, Oprah.
Oh, come on, Tim, look at
all the wars you've started.
Jill, how many
wars have I started?
She just means that most
wars are started by men.
Women start wars, too.
Did you see the film
War of the Amazons?
Whoa, he got us there.
Oh, boy, does he ever.
I'll have you know those
are very fierce soldiers.
I had nightmares
about that movie.
Oh, so you're intimidated by strong
women? Is that what you're saying, Tim?
When they're in
groups and naked, yeah.
Now that we've sanded
down our tabletop,
it's time to apply the
decorative laminate.
Al, you wanna spread
the glue for me, please?
I live to laminate, Tim.
While Al does that,
I'd like to speak
to you, if I could.
I'm a little cheesed.
Some people say the
reason men are into tools
is because we're insecure.
These same people say
that men are into more power
because we're
destructive and aggressive.
Well, let me explain
something to you.
We're neither
destructive or aggressive.
What we are is creative.
Let's look at some of the
things built over time using tools.
The Great Pyramids of Egypt.
The Great Wall of China.
Indy...
of Indy.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Uh, Tim, I believe
the Leaning Tower
was considered a
huge structural mistake.
Well... look at that.
That's an accomplishment.
This tower has been
leaning for over 800 years,
and it hasn't fallen over.
Kinda reminds me
of my mother-in-law.
(laughs)
I'm kidding, Nana.
Well, the glue is spread, Tim.
Oh, is it, Al? OK.
Before we get to gluing,
I want to introduce
Binford's new miracle glue.
Tim, you might wanna
remind our viewers
to be careful when
using this glue
because it will bond
instantly to your skin.
Al, we learned
in the first grade
you're not supposed
to play with glue.
Well, I was just worried
about our viewers' welfare,
as well as your welfare.
Al, these negative thoughts
can hurt people on the job site.
I don't have negative thoughts.
You do, too. No, I don't.
Do too. Do not.
Do. Not.
Well, maybe it would be better
if I just swept up here, then.
Maybe it would be better if
you just swept up, Mr. Negativity.
Not. Do.
You wanna set your laminate securely
on your shimmies, front and back.
Ohh...
Al!
Al!
We'll be right back
after these messages
from Binford.
Al.
Al, I know you're back there.
Dad's home.
I better go. I don't think
Tim wants to see me.
No, no, stay. We'll
just take it easy on him.
OK. No more making fun of him.
What is this thing on your head?
It's a little piece of table.
What happened?
Oh, Mr. Negativity...
Al... distracted me,
and I got my head
cemented to this table.
They had to take a saber
saw to get me off of that table.
Don't you think you should
go to the emergency room?
I was just there. They
said I wasn't a priority.
Why? Was there a guy with a
whole table stuck to his head?
(laughing)
Sorry. I'm sorry, honey.
We'll be good. If you
notice, I'm not laughing.
Yeah, well, we'll be good.
Come on. Randy, set the table.
OK. Dad, bend over.
Ouch. Are you sure
this is gonna work?
Yes. The hospital said that nail polish
remover would soften the glue. Ow.
You must have felt pretty
silly walking in there like that.
Oh, no, nonsense, Karen.
There are a lot
of people in there
with furniture
stuck to their heads.
I still don't understand
how you did this.
I did it because of you two. Us?
What did we do?
I was trying to make
a point on the show
that men don't just destroy things
with hammers and nails and tools.
No, they also glue.
I'm sorry, honey. We
shouldn't make fun...
Although I did hear
a great joke today.
Knock, knock.
The point I was trying to make
is that men don't
just start wars,
they build things with tools,
like this house, your
car, office buildings.
Of course they do.
They have all the jobs.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, come on, Tim, face it.
It's a male-dominated society,
and women have to
make all the compromises.
I don't know what world you live
in, but here at the Taylor household,
we have an equal relationship.
Oh, do you really
believe that, Tim?
We're a '90s couple. We share
everything 50/50 right down the middle.
Come sit down. OK, OK.
Let me give you a little test.
Jill gets a high-paying
executive position.
Ooh, I like this test already.
Do I get to have a male
secretary? You got him.
Can't type, but he looks
really cute in jeans. Perfect.
OK, so, Tim, should
she take this job?
If he's gay.
Yeah, absolutely.
The job's in Seattle.
So, it's fine. It's fine.
Well, maybe Jill doesn't
wanna uproot the kids.
No, no, the kids love the idea.
Do we move, Tim?
Karen, this is stupid.
OK, OK, let me ask
you another question.
Tool Time goes national, but
you have to move to New York.
Do you go?
Yeah, it's my job.
It'd be a perfect...
If it's OK with Jill.
Oh, so you're saying that your
job is more important than hers?
She doesn't have a job.
Answer the question, Tim.
Do you move to
New York or Seattle?
I think a lot depends
on where you'll be living.
(laughs)
Which is it, Tim?
She's just trying to confuse me.
You're avoiding the question.
I am not avoiding the question.
Is it Seattle or New York, Tim?
Detroit.
That's not answering
the question.
New York or Seattle?
New York, Seattle... You
know, I don't care where we live.
Just leave... leave me...
leave me... alone!
Ohh!
That had to hurt.
No, it didn't.
Ohh.
Ahh!
Mom, I'm not gonna
go to the party.
What's the matter, hon?
I just found out there's
gonna be an orchestra.
That means I have to dance.
Well, that'll be fun.
No, it won't.
I'll have to do
old-people dancing.
Old-people dancing?
Yeah, the kind you and Dad do.
Oh, you mean really old?
Like, where you have
to touch and junk?
Yeah.
Well, what if I teach you
how to do that old-people
touching-dancing-junk thing?
Would you go to the dance then?
I guess.
Well, it's really very simple.
I can't believe I get to teach
my oldest son how to dance!
OK, come here. Come on. Come on.
Come on.
You're gonna have to stand up
real straight like a soldier, OK?
Put this hand on my back and
this left hand in my hand here.
Ew! I can't dance
with my mother.
Hey, I used to change your
diaper and powder your butt.
Now, get over here.
You'll just follow me.
It's a real simple box
step. Real easy, OK?
Go left, together,
left, together,
right, together...
What's going on?
Left, together...
Mom's teaching me how to dance.
He's got a slow dance
tonight and he's a little scared,
but he's doing
great. I'm doing awful.
Oh, you'll be great. You
got a real good teacher.
Ready? Mm...
Left, together, left, together,
right, together,
right, together.
That's right. Good.
Left, together, right, together,
right, together. Very good.
Wilson, do you think
I'm a peace-loving guy?
Well, definitely, Tim.
You ever known
me to start any wars?
No, but I was out of
town that one weekend.
Every time Jill gets together
with her friend Karen,
they accuse me
of being aggressive
and destructive, starting wars.
They blame me for everything.
Well, Tim, that's just
the burden you bear
for living in a
patriarchal society.
Yeah. Patriarchal.
Dominated by men.
(grunts)
That's right, Tim.
Mm-hmm, from the Latin
pater, which means "father."
(laughs) Well,
shiver my timbers.
Tim, I am impressed.
Well, don't be.
I saw it on a rerun of Mannix.
The point is, it's not my fault
that women have not ruled the
world, men have ruled the world.
Well, that hasn't
always been true, Tim.
Huh?
There was a time when
we had a matriarchal society.
Matriarchal society.
Mm-hmm.
Run by maitre d's?
No, Tim, it's when
women rule the world.
Get out of here.
What, they didn't have
wars, they had Bake-Offs?
No. No, Tim, you'd be surprised.
Actually, the female of the
species can be very aggressive.
So, what you're saying is that,
when women ruled the world,
things weren't all
that peaceful and nice.
No. No, no, no, no, Tim.
Absolute power
corrupts absolutely,
with women as well as men.
In ancient Africa, they
had entire female armies.
In Babylon, they would burn a
man at the stake every spring
to ensure the
fertility of the crops.
Ugh.
That's a hell of a price
to pay for zucchini.
Well, I don't know, Tim.
Maybe one day men and women
will learn to share the power,
to cooperate rather
than dominate.
Tim, honey, this is
Jennifer Sadarski.
Jennifer, this is Brad's father.
So you're Jennifer.
Hi, Mr. Taylor. It's
nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. Sit down.
Thank you.
(no audio)
What's the matter with her?
Jennifer, I love your dress.
Thank you.
And your little coat.
My dad watches
your show, Mr. Taylor.
He's a real big fan.
Hey, I'll get him an
autographed picture.
Oh, that would be great.
Uh, could you make it
of Al? He really loves Al.
We all do.
Brad, get on
down here, will ya?!
(Brad) I'll be down
in a minute, Father!
"Father"?
Bradley's so polite.
Mom, Dad, guess
what happened to Brad.
What is it?
(whispers) He got his
tie stuck in his zipper.
I'll be right back.
Hey, Brad, don't
fiddle with that.
(knocks on door)
Son, you all right?
I got it out of my zipper,
but I can't get
this tie straight.
Oh, come on, relax.
Come here, come here.
It's just a simple tie.
You did a good job.
The old Windsor knot.
Always gives you trouble.
Dad... I'm scared.
Ohh, it's good to be scared.
All guys are scared.
They are?
Yeah. Goes way back to Babylon,
when men were scared of
being burned at the stake
by a bunch of maitre d's.
Dad, I'm just scared
when I hold her
my hands will get
all sweaty and gross.
Oh. Simple trick I
used to do, all right?
Wad these up, put them
in your pants pocket. OK.
All right, the first
hint of dampness,
shove your hands in
your pockets, dry them off,
bring them back out, and
you're back in the ball game.
Yeah, but what if I
lead with the wrong foot
or step on her toes?
Dancing's not
about who's leading.
Mom says the man always leads.
Well, when men and
women are dancing correctly,
no one's leading.
You just move with the music.
You don't know
how you get there,
but you just get there.
It's kind of like how
your mom drives.
(laughing)
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Brad, you look so handsome.
And you got a very
excited young lady
waiting downstairs for you.
(Tim) Brad?
Go get 'em, tiger.
(both grunting)
Good evening, Jennifer.
You look real good.
You know, pretty, I mean.
Thanks. So do you.
Not pretty, but, well,
you know, handsome.
(gagging noises)
(Tim) Come here, you little...
I guess we should get going.
My father hates to wait.
His stomach gets upset,
and then he starts to burp.
OK, well, I just wanna
take one picture, OK?
Oh, Mom.
Better hurry up, honey.
Remember, Mr. Sadarski's
in the car getting gassy.
OK, give me big
smiles. Say "cheese."
(both) Cheese. Oh, it's stuck.
You always do this. I know.
(camera clicks) Ahh.
OK, this time for
sure. Say "cheese."
(both) Cheese.
Oh, that was great.
OK. You kids get going.
All right, now, listen,
you two have a great time.
(Jennifer) We will! Bye-bye!
(sighs)
Tim, what you said
upstairs was very nice.
Well, I was just trying to
remember my first dance.
Wanna dance?
Promise I won't lead.
Me, either.
All right.
This isn't working.
Somebody's gotta lead.
All right... together.
On three.
1... (grunts)
2... (grunts)
3.
(hums)
Oh, boy. Isn't this fun?
(chuckles)
All right, now I'll lead.
All right. It's a
beautiful rhythm.
Hands and tools.
Hands and tools.
Ever looked in the eyes of a man
who's building something like a
bamboo fly rod, mahogany boat
or a billeted steel
piece of a hot rod?
Do you see aggression
and destruction? No.
You see contentment.
Hands and tools, hands and tools
can change the world,
from building the
smallest hobbyist train
to the largest outboard
motor engines.
Look at this bad boy.
Most of you see
just a hunk of metal.
Not me. This is hundreds
of parts working a high RPM,
800 horsepower,
tolerances of 1,000,
machined by hand,
blueprinted, ported and polished.
Ar-ar-ar-ar.
But men aren't just
into power and steel.
Craftsmanship, like this
exquisite artwork here.
Not Al, the panel.
This antique Chinese
privacy screen,
on loan to us from the
Detroit Institute of Arts,
is composed of
intricate carvings.
I think 2,000
man-hours, correct?
2,000 man-hours. Imagine that.
Intricacy beyond belief.
Every delicate
little nuance as...
as delicate as crystal.
Each piece is so delicate, it
could be snapped off just like that.
Very often they made a few
movable pieces in these pieces...
kinda like those
little Chinese boxes
that you don't know
how to open 'em.
They're movable parts.
Al, do you suppose this
is movable, this piece?
I don't think so, Tim.
Go get me that glue.
What for? Are you gonna
glue it to your forehead?