Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 8 - Flying Sauces - full transcript

Well, while we let that
cream softener dry,

I want to ask you a question.

When you're pounding
those finishing nails,

do you end up hitting your thumb

more than you hit
the head of the nail?

Sure you do. Tool
tip from old Tim

is use a household
bobby pin to hold the nail.

You secure it. No problem.
Al, you want to hold that for me?

Tim, the point of the bobby
pin is that you can do it yourself.

But, Al, you're such an
important part of the show,

I want your help.



(screams)

Good reflexes, Al.

You play lacrosse or something?

There you go.

We've set the nail,

and no one's injured
any appendages.

Well, before we say goodbye,
we get tons of cards and letters,

and I'd like to share a
real special one with you.

Thank you, Al.

Lisa?

Here you go, Tim.
Special delivery.

This one's from Rock
Lannigan of Bay City.

OK. Thank you, Lisa.

Rock writes, "Dear Tim,



"I'm the foreman for K&B Construction
Company up here in Bay City.

"My crew and I
watch you all the time.

"We love your clothes,
especially the eclectic Italian look

with the triple-pleated slacks."

Thanks, fellas.

He goes on to say,

"Anyway, my crew and I

"put in a damn hard
American day's work,

and we get tired of eating a
cold lunch out of a metal pail."

And who wouldn't?

"So we did something about it.

"We started cooking
hot gourmet meals

"right on the job site

"using the tools of the trade.

"Me and the boys call this

'cooking a meal with
power and steel.'"

Ar-ar-ar.

(laughter)

This is an inspiring letter,
a very inspiring letter,

so inspiring I invited these
guys from K&B Construction

down here to Tool Time

to demonstrate cooking a
gourmet meal on the job site.

So don't miss us next time when
we will do cooking with what?

(all) More power!

You're right. See you next time.

(cheers and applause)

Hey, Dad, they just
vaporized the whole building.

Did they get the general yet?

Yeah, just now.

I missed my favorite part.

That's where they suck
the blood out of his head.

Ugh. You're not watching
Red Planet Death again?

(explosion on TV)

No, honey, no.

This Madame Butterfly,
the Backstage Look.

What are you looking for?

Jalapeño peppers.

I'm gonna make up some
of that four-star, Happy Trails

rootin'-tootin' chili of mine.

I don't know about the rootin',

but there'll be
plenty of tootin'.

Just consider yourself lucky

I'm not making
my rip-roarin' chili.

(laughs)

Mom, look at what
I colored for you.

Ohh. Honey, that's beautiful.

Oh, that's some
good-lookin' airplane.

It's not an airplane. It's Mom.

I... I thought those
were propellers.

They are.

(imitates propellers whirring)

We're going to the park.
Can I come with you?

No, you're not coming with us.

Hey! Hey, hold it there.

There is no reason that
you can't take him with you.

Mom, we don't
want people to know

we have a geek for a brother.

Brad, take your brother
to the park with you.

All right.

Get your coat, doofus.

We'll meet you out here.

Jill, where is that Happy
Trails chili cookbook of mine?

Why do you need a cookbook?

You're just gonna dump in
whatever you want anyway.

Yeah, I wanna throw
the book in there.

Maybe those pages
will soak up the extra oil.

(laughs)

Mom, Brad and
Randy left without me.

Well, those little sneaks.

Here, I'll take you to
the park myself, honey.

That's OK. I'll just go upstairs
and play with my trucks.

What are we gonna do
about Brad and Randy?

They keep tormenting Mark.

That's why we had Mark...
so they'd leave us alone.

You just don't know the kind
of things that they do to him.

Like, a couple of days ago,

I made him a chunky
peanut butter sandwich,

and they told him
that the chunks

were ground-up rat bones.

So?

Older brothers torment younger
brothers. It's the way of the world.

I did it to my younger brothers.

This kid's gotta learn how
to deal with this by himself.

I don't believe that older
brothers have a special privilege

to be obnoxious little pigs.

(imitates pig grunt)

No, I think that you and I should
get together as a parental unit

and have a nice long
talk with Brad and Randy

about their behavior.

These are kids without central
nervous systems, all right?

We have to learn how
to out-torment them.

Oh, I see. Stoop to
their level. Exactly.

You want to teach Brad
and Randy a lesson?

Tonight when I'm cooking that
chili, I'll cut up this cauliflower,

and we'll tell them we've
got rabbit brains in there.

No. No. We're
gonna talk to them.

We'll just tell them how much
they're hurting Mark's feelings

and how much that
behavior disappoints us.

And if that fails... yeah.

Ol' Peter Cottontail
hops right into that chili.

Come on, Mom, we
wanna go back to the park.

Boys, sit down there. Your mom
has something she wants to say to you.

I believe we have something
we both want to say to them.

Yeah, right.

OK, whatever your mom
is saying, I'm saying it.

It's just that she's
the one saying it,

which doesn't mean that I'm
not saying what she's saying.

Say what I'm saying.

Uh, you guys promised Mark

that you would take
him with you to the park,

and then you ran
off and left him here.

We waited in the backyard,
and he never came.

You waited five seconds.

You didn't say how long we
had to wait. Don't get smart.

Hey, I think you're
missing the point here.

We are a family.

If one of us is hurting,
we're all hurting.

If you hurt Mark's feelings,
you also hurt my feelings

and your father's
feelings, right, Tim?

Right.

And, Tim, I think
you have something

that you want to say here.

You guys like cauliflower?

Tim...

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

However much fun you think it is

to torment your younger
brother, it's wrong.

But, Dad, what about
all those terrible things

you did to Uncle Steve?

He's your younger brother.

Uncle Steve is a
major pain in the...

This is different.

Why?

Because Steve knew I
was kidding, that's why.

Well, then, why doesn't he
come to any family reunions?

'Cause he lives so far away.
No, he doesn't. He just lives right...

Hey, hey, you know...

We're not talking
about your Uncle Steve.

We're talking about you two.

That's right,

and we want you
to start treating Mark

the way that you
would like to be treated.

You know, that old
"golden rule" thing?

OK. We're sorry.

Honey? Yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for something
to put that chili in.

How about a trash bag?

I'm looking for that big pot
we take on cookouts with us.

Oh, OK.

I think that our talk with
Brad and Randy really helped,

'cause they've been really
nice to Mark for almost an hour.

Whoa! Look at this thing.

That old strobe light I
had in my dormitory room.

(laughs)

Very groovy and far out, man.

And it wasn't even
on half the time.

Whoa! All these
old eight-track tapes.

"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby ♪

OK, smart guy, who sang
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"?

I just was. ♪
In-a-gadda-da-vida ♪

(imitates drums)

Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
so people wanted to hear it?

You are an evil woman.

"Evil Woman," sung by
Electric Light Orchestra,

1976.

Lucky guess.

Luck. Luck. Skill.

All right, brainiac. All right.

Who... who sang "Play
That Funky Music"?

Wild Cherry, also 1976.

Released on the
Epic label. Come on.

"Come On." Tommy
Roe, 1964. Stop.

♪ ...in the name of love ♪

Supremes, 1965. Let's face it.

When it comes to
this song title stuff,

I am the high priestess of pop.

Well, I'm pretty good
myself. Oh, yeah?

Name the first song that
we ever slow-danced to.

What?

Name the first song that
we ever slow-danced to.

I'm waiting.

Gimme a minute. Gimme a minute.

We were at The...
The Glitter Ballroom.

Mm-hmm.

We were dancing close.

You had an angora
sweater on. Mm-hmm.

Doused in Shalimar or
something. Yeah. Yeah.

I had just the right
amount of Jade East on.

(laughs)

Our bodies were pressed close.

Tim, what was the
name of the song?

Did it have the words
"cold shower" in it? (laughs)

No, but if you think of
the song, I'll be upstairs.

Oh, uh...

"Touch Me in the
Morning," Diana Ross.

I'll touch you in the afternoon

if you think of the
name of the song.

I remember the
song that we heard

when we were in the back of my
Corvair and steamin' the windows.

So do I... the "Minute Waltz."

Throw it to me.

Forget it. You
got us in trouble.

Mom said you're
supposed to be nice.

You see Mom anywhere
in this backyard?

Now, get lost.

But you've got to play
with me. We're brothers.

We're not your brothers.

Yes, you are.

I'm gonna let
you in on a secret.

We're aliens from outer space.

You're a big, fat liar, Randy.

My name isn't Randy.

It's Zelnot.

And I'm Zorton.

No, you're not. You're
Brad and Randy.

No.

Brad and Randy are gone.

We sucked the blood
out of their brains

and took over their bodies.

We have many powers.

We can read minds.

No, you can't.

I'll prove it.

Zorton...

Talk to me, Zelnot.

I'm thinking of a number
between one and ten.

What is it? Four.

That's right.

How'd you do that?

(monotone) Grabijee
graynoot nonneet. Wongert.

I'm telling Mom and
Dad. You're in big trouble.

Hey...

They're not your mom and dad.

They're aliens, too.

Are not.

Are too.

Our spaceship's coming
to pick us up tonight.

Yeah...

Then we're gonna
leave you here all alone

for the rest of your life.

You don't scare me.

(Randy) Hold it!

Better walk backwards
until after we leave tonight.

Why?

Because aliens
can't suck your blood

if you're walking backwards.

Yeah. Our real lips are
in the back of our heads.

Mark, what are you doing?

Nothing.

Why are you walking backwards?

You could hurt
yourself doing that.

Better than getting all
my blood sucked out.

He's got a good point there.

Have you been
talking to your brothers?

What have they
been telling you now?

They say you're
all from outer space.

Honey, you know that's not true.

Jill, sometimes you wake up
early in the morning, you look...

They say you have lips
in the back of your head.

Jill, sometimes you
wake up early in the m...

Mark, come here. Come here.

Now, look here.

Do you see any lips there?

Not really.

There, see?

You have got to stop
listening to those two.

Come here and give me a hug.

You want to go and get
yourself some earth juice?

Yeah.

Aliens. Those guys
never stop. I give up.

It's time for the Master
Tormentor to take over.

If you want to torment them,

you should just
ground them with no TV.

Ha!

That would be a
penalty for earthlings.

We need a penalty
suitable for aliens.

OK, I am behind you... I think.

Are you gonna make Brad
and Randy say they're sorry?

Well, you have two choices.

We could either
make them apologize...

or we could get even.

Get even.

That's my boy.

(both) Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!

Last time I promised
construction site cooking.

That's why I invited the guys from
K&B Construction down here on the set.

Rock Lannigan...

Dwayne Hoover...

and Pete Bilker.

How you doing, Pete? Hi, Tim.

Nice beard.

Well, thank you, Tim. I,
uh, grew it because of Al.

He's my hero.

Yeah, mine, too.

Rock, what have
you got for us today?

Well, Tim, I'm a riveter.

I work way up on the
high steel, and I'll tell you,

it makes it darn hard to
get a hot lunch up there,

but I've come up with
a quick and easy way

of making a delicious
grilled-cheese sandwich.

Hear my stomach growling?

You're gonna love this one, Tim.

The fellas call it
"Cheddar a la Rock."

All right.

I use only sharp
Wisconsin cheese,

because, after
all, in Wisconsin,

cheese is cheese.

American cheese
from American cows.

Moo-ah!

Look out!

I spread on a generous
dollop of Oleo...

with my trowel,

then I take the cheese

and I stick it
between the bread.

Good place for it.

And then I...

Tim, I kinda hate to give
this little secret away.

Oh, come on, Rock. Let it go.

It's a Tool Time
crowd. Ar-ar-ar-ar...

(all) Ar-ar-ar-ar...

All right, all right.

Pete.

I sprinkle on a little
oregano for flavoring...

and then I fire it up.

What do you use
to heat that with?

Well, that's one of the secrets
of cooking on the job site, Tim.

I go straight for my blowtorch.

And that's no
ordinary blowtorch.

That's a Binford 3000
turbo ignition switch torch.

(audience cheering)
Yeah, you betcha, Tim.

See, the trick...

you gotta toast it

nice and evenly on both sides,

so that you seal in

that delicious Wisconsin flavor.

Try that, Timmy.

It's hot! Ohh!

Might wanna let that cheese
cool down a little bit there.

Ahh-ahh. Thanks, Al.

Dwayne, what do you have for us?

You know, I'm out on
the job site, way out,

nowhere close to your
ordinary kitchen utensils,

so I got to improvise.

Now, this here...

is the dipstick off
my '87 2-ton pickup.

With this I make my
Southern specialty...

Shish Ke-Billy Bob.

Now, the important
thing to remember, Tim,

before you start cookin',

get all that oil
off the dipstick.

Now...

I like to alternate my
meat and my vegetables.

How do you feel about that, Al?

I'm still thinking about
that dipstick, Tim.

I prefer to use USDA
choice cube steak,

pearl onions, green peppers,

and just a touch of
summer squash for color.

No need to make mealtime
a drab affair, huh, Tim?

Perish that thought, Dwayne.

Now, for the seasoning,

I turn to my assistant Pete.

That would be me.

I like to...

lightly dust the kebab

with... just a hint of sage

and some tarragon.

Well, I prefer rosemary, but...

Dwayne, rosemary's
much too harsh...

Pete, this is neither
the time nor the place.

Now, ordinarily, Tim,

I would wrap this in tin foil
and put it on a hot engine,

but we don't have
time for all that.

Here, hold that, Al,
will you? Thank you.

Now, Pete's got one...

Pete's got one all cooked
up and ready for us to taste.

There you go, Tim.

Give that a whirl.

There. How do you like that?

It's delicious.

I detect a hint of 10W30
on that thing, though.

Dad? Dad, Brad and
Randy are coming.

(Tim) All right, son, all right.

The Master Tormentor is ready to
teach them a lesson they'll never forget.

Now, the spaceship
will be here any minute.

You know the plan. Now,
get out of here. Go, go, go.

OK, this is gonna be great.

First we'll get him
down on his knees,

then we'll get him
to close his eyes,

then we'll sneak back in
the house and lock him out.

Look, he's out
there waiting for us.

What a geek.

Mr. Zelnot, where's
the spaceship?

It'll be here in two minutes.

We have to wait over here.

Yeah, and remember,

when your mom and dad
come out, say goodbye real fast.

But don't hug them,
or your arms will melt.

Yeah. Now get down on your
knees and close your eyes,

and whatever you do, don't move,

or your skull will cave in.

(♪ Iron Butterfly,
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida")

What is it? I don't know.

♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida...

(shouts)

(both scream)

♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida...
The other door!

♪ Don't you know that
I'll always be true? ♪

(both scream)

Help, Mom! Let us in!

(Brad and Randy screaming)

Well... I think the Master
Tormentor has done his job.

And now I have a
little surprise for you.

Oh, yeah?

Let's see.

(♪ Harry Nilsson, "Without You")

(chuckles) You remembered.

Harry Nilsson, "Without You."

That's right.

I'd be a whole lot happier.

I'm just kidding. (chuckles)

The Master Tormentor

is now the Master Rememberer.

Tell me something. Did you do
all of this to teach them a lesson

or just 'cause it was really
fun? What do you think?

I think it was really fun, but I
don't think they learned a thing.

I think you're wrong.

I think those boys have
learned a valuable lesson,

and they won't be messing
with anybody for a long time.

(all shout)

Back to bed, boys.

♪ When I think of
all my sorrows... ♪

Those kids look a lot like
your side of the family?

(♪ Iron Butterfly,
"In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida")

♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida, honey

♪ Don't you know
that I love you?

♪ In-a-gadda-da-vida, baby

♪ Don't you know
that I'll always be true?

♪ Oh, won't you come with me

♪ And take my hand? ♪