Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 7 - Nothing More Than Feelings - full transcript

Boys, finish your breakfast.
Hurry up and brush your teeth.

If you miss that bus, you're
gonna be in big, big trouble.

Trouble already?

Guys, pace yourselves.
You got all day to be evil.

You don't wanna peak too soon.

Give the old man a kiss goodbye.

Did you brush?

Front and back.

Oh, honey, you're going to have to
move my car 'cause I'm blocking you.

Why don't you park on
your side of the driveway?

Bikes. Bikes.



I'll leave these in your car.

Ok. Bye.

Bye.

Mom... Yeah.

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

Do you think I
have girls' hands?

What?

Jason Loomis says I have
hands like his sister, only smaller.

That is ridiculous.

Look at these hands...
they're strong, well-defined.

With these hands, you could
be a painter or a surgeon,

a concert pianist,

a football player, karate champ,



lumberjack, test pilot...

Thanks, Mom.

(horn honks)

Oh, the bus. Brad,
Mark, bus is here.

Move it! Kiss. (purses lips)

Bye, Mom. Bye.

Kiss.

Bye, Mom. Love ya.

Love you, too.

(sighs)

Tim, you still here?

Oh, yeah.

How long has the
oil light been on, Jill?

Oil light.

The oil light. Next
to the speedometer.

Little red light with
the oil can on it.

Oh, that thing. I don't
know, two or three days.

Two or three days?!
It's a warning light.

Didn't it occur to you
there might be a problem?

I thought if there was
a problem with the car,

the light would get brighter
or there would be a buzzer.

A buzzer? It's a car,
not a game show.

Tim, the car is running fine.

It used to be running fine.

Inside of a car

is an internal
combustion engine,

composed of many precision
parts running at a high RPM.

High RPM produces
friction, friction produces heat,

heat is dissipated
by lubrication... oil!

When the car doesn't
get the oil that it needs,

it tends to seize
up into a rock.

Are you saying the
car's not running?

We now own a 4,000-pound,
four-door boulder.

You mean I can't drive it?

Not unless you're
Wilma Flintstone.

OK, Tim, I've cut the
molding to the proper length,

and by using our
miter box here...

It's no good.

It's a very good cut, Tim.

I'm not talking about
the cut or the miter.

Something's bugging me,
man. I gotta get it off my chest.

We don't normally do this,

but I wanna talk to
y'all about respect.

Respect for the machines
that power our lives.

I know this guy that
found out his wife

has been driving the car for
three days with the oil light on.

So typical.

No respect, none.

My wife, she... not my
wife. This guy's wife...

didn't even think
about that engine.

I hear ya, man.

You know what I'm talking about?

My wife's the same way.

Really?

Come on down here. Get this
guy down here. Come on! Come on!

Nice to meet ya. Love your show.

Thanks. What's your name?

Jim. My friends call me Jimbo.

I'm Tim. You can call me Timbo.

So, what's on your mind, Jimbo?

Well, Timbo, I
work construction.

Yeah. Ar-ar-ar.
Hey, wait a minute.

Sit down here for a minute.

Here, grab a stool here.

Plant it and tell me what's
on your mind there, buddy.

But I'm really into woodworking.

Great.

I do a lot of carving,

and I just bought myself
a serious set of chisels.

Probably like the Binford 600
series. You used 'em last week, Al.

Anyway, um...

the other day, I come home,

and there's my wife
out in the garage...

Where she doesn't belong.

And she's...
she's prying the lid

off a gallon can of paint
with my 3/8-inch Stew chisel.

Oh, jeez!

(all groan)

And they wonder
why we die first.

Can I say something, Tim?

Shop floor's open, buddy.

Pardon me.

Oh, heck, we hooked a big one.

Excuse me.

Hey.

Name's Kyle.

Kyle, Timbo, Jimbo.

Jimbo. Hey, Kyle.

Sit down. What's on your mind?

Well, Tim, I enjoy gardening.

I like to grow my
own vegetables.

Can't be all vegetables, man.

Looks like you've socked a couple
dozen donuts away or something.

You know it, Tim.
Love my donuts.

Anyway, my wife uses
my good gardening tools,

and she leaves 'em in the yard.

Tim, every tool I own has suffered
some degree of rust damage.

Ohh. If your wife
was here right now,

what would you say to her?

I don't know.

I'd probably say...

Ginger...

when you don't respect my
tools, you don't respect me,

so stop it.

I wish I could say
something like that to my wife.

She's got a hundred
bottles in the shower...

conditioner and
shampoos and rinses.

What does she
need all that stuff for?

(Tim) Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah!

That's nothing. My wife...

Ginger.

My wife has these 2
3/4-inch press-on nails.

Well, I'm at home
watching Circus of the Stars,

and I hear this tapping.

I look over at the wife,

she's tapping with her
fingernail on the front of her teeth.

Drives me nuts!

You think that's bad, my wife
does a thing in the shower...

I top you both. My
wife drools in her sleep.

Oh, disgusting. Ew.

I'm not talking
about a little puddle.

I'm talking about hook up
the hose. Let's water the lawn.

No, no, no.

Man the lifeboats!
She's drooling.

♪ She's droolin', she's droolin'

♪ Droolin' down the river

♪ Droolin', droolin',
droolin' down the river ♪

Tim! What is it, Al?!

Come on, join
in... ♪ Droolin'...

We only have a few minutes left.

Al, we're having an
important discussion here.

About drool, Tim?

I wouldn't expect
you to understand.

You're not married.

Well, enough about
your love life, Al.

Let's get some work. You
guys wanna help me out?

Great. Sure.

All right.

We wanna watch Dad's show.

OK.

I hear this tapping...

Hey, Mom, who's that guy?

I don't know. Do you have the right
channel? Here, gimme the thingy.

Yeah, there's Dad.

Oh. Well, what is he up to now?

Wait. I got you both beat.

My wife drools in her sleep.

Little, either. It's
like hook up...

Boys, I think you should
go upstairs and play.

We wanna watch Dad's show!

I said out.

We only have a
few minutes left, Tim.

It's, like...

Tim.

Ah, I know what
you're gonna say.

I've already decided I'm not gonna
say another word about the oil light.

You made a mistake. Anybody
can make a mistake, and I forgive ya.

♪ She's drooling, she's drooling

♪ She's drooling
down the river ♪

You saw the show, huh?

Tim, how could you do that?

You and I joke
about it all time...

No, you and I joke
about it all the time

in the privacy of our
bedroom, not on television.

Do you have rocks in
your head? Don't you think?

Let's talk about who
doesn't think for a minute.

Who drove around for two
days with the oil light on?

Wait. I thought you said you
weren't gonna bring up the oil light?

With all those rocks in my head,

sometimes I don't
know what I'm sayin'.

Look, my mistake involved a car.

Your mistake involved
a human being, me.

There's a big difference here.

I don't expect you to understand
since you're completely insensitive.

Insensitive?

You didn't even think
about how I would feel!

I... I didn't tell
'em everything.

Everything?

You know, when you roll
on your side, you gurgle.

What, are you saving that
for the Christmas special?

Mommy, I'm worried.

About what, honey?

If you drool and sleep on
your back, won't you drown?

No, honey.

Thank you for your
concern. Eat a carrot.

Randy!

It's all over school

about what Jason Loomis
said about your girl hands.

Oh, no.

But I stood up for you.

Good for you, Brad.

I got you a little something
to make you feel better.

What is it?

Passion Pink fingernail polish.

You weenie!

Brad Taylor!

Hi. What are you doing?

I was thinking about what you said
in the garage about that drool thing,

and you were right.

I overstepped my bounds,
and I was really insensitive.

You notice I paused there

in case you wanna
say, "I forgive you, Tim."

It would fit right here.

Or not.

Come on, Jill. You ever
gonna talk to me again?

I just wanna know one thing...

what does my drooling have
to do with home improvement?

No one likes to live
in a damp house.

Wrong answer.

What does my drooling have
to do with home improvement?

Nothing.

So you just got up and said,
"What a beautiful morning.

I think I'll humiliate
my wife today"?

I was telling stories on
the show with these guys,

and I brought up the oil light,
and we seized the motor...

Wait a minute. You told
them about the oil light?

Uh-oh.

Why did you do that?

I don't know.

Why did you go on
TV and humiliate me?

I don't know.

I got a good idea.

Why don't you change the
name of your show from Tool Time

to My Stupid Wife?

(slams door)

Hi, Wilson.

Hi-ho, Tim.

Another glorious
autumn afternoon.

Boy, it sure is, and
you're burning leaves.

Occasionally I like to throw
a handful on the old barbecue

and just sniff to try to
remember the old days.

I got a little problem. Can
I ask a question, Wilson?

Ball is in your court,
Tim. Whale away.

(sighs) I said
something real stupid

and embarrassed
Jill on my TV show.

Hmm, why did you do that, Tim?

I don't know. I was
talking with the other guys

and we were sharing silly
stories about our wives,

and I had a great
one about Jill,

and it just came out.

Well, Tim, it sounds to
me like you're a victim

of the hierarchal structure
of male conversation.

High... harcal. Yeah.

How do you spell that?

Let's just say one-upmanship.

See, Tim, men's relationships
are based on status and power.

Uhh-uuhh-uhhh.

Men feel compelled
to outdo each other.

If one man tells a
story about his wife,

the next man feels he's got
to tell an even better story.

That was exactly what happened.

I got caught up in that
har... hararchal thing.

Happens all the time, Tim.

I don't want it to happen.
How do you make it stop?

Well, Tim, men have to learn
to compete less and listen more.

We have to learn to
start sharing our feelings.

Hey, yeah!

Thank you, all. Thank you.

A lot of people have said to me, "I saw the
show the other day with all the guy talk.

What was that all about?"

Well, mostly, it was about
getting in trouble with our wives.

No kidding. Ginger's
living with her mother.

Well, on today's show, we're gonna
see if we can straighten things out.

All, I got a seat for ya.

No, thank you, Tim.

Tool Time is more than
just home improvement.

It's male improvement.

An improved male is
more sensitive to his wife.

How do we get sensitive?

By digging deep
down in our emotions

and sharing our
feelings with others.

You guys up to it?

I thought we were
gonna get to use the tools.

Not today, Jimbo.

What are you feeling?

Well, I guess I'm
feeling confused.

I was looking forward
to using the tools.

Any other feelings?

I'm feeling... hungry.

Hey, good. That's
a good feeling there.

Kyle, how about you?
What are you feeling?

I was feeling fine

until Jimbo here said
he was feeling hungry.

Now I'm feeling hungry,

and that makes me mad.

Why is that?

Because I want a
big old piece of pork,

and my doctor
said it's too fatty!

What the hell did I have
that bypass for, anyway?

Settle down, man.

I want some pork, damn it!

All right, all right, all right!

Let's steer clear of the
meat products for a minute...

and let's talk about
real emotion... crying.

When was the last
time you cried? Jim?

You mean cried cried,

or cry because
something heavy fell on ya?

Once I dropped a
Spinet piano on my foot...

No, no, no. I need an
emotional experience,

a deep one that we
can share with all of us.

Well, ahem, now
that I think of it,

there was one time
when I almost cried.

Let it go, man.

It was 1968.

The Tigers won the World Series.

Oh, man!

(all talk at once)

There was, like,
six home runs...

Whoa, talk about emotions...

'84, they took the
Padres. Remember that?

No comparison. I'm talking
'68, when baseball was baseball.

You got that right, man.

Tiger Stadium used to serve
up a great pork sausage.

I tell you, now
you go out there,

for a $1.85, what do you get?

I know what you're talkin'.

A hotdog! Two bites,
and it's gone, huh?

You gotta burp to find
out what it tastes like!

(all cheer in agreement)

Oh! Oh, good night,
nurse. I'm spent.

Oh...

Uh, Tim...

You want to get back to work.

No, Tim, I was thinking about
what you said the other day,

about how I wouldn't understand
what you were talking about

until I was married.

So?

Made me feel like
I was desperate,

like I would never be able to
find someone who'd marry me.

I didn't... That's
not what I meant.

I just wanted you to
know that it really hurt me.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey,
Al just shared a feeling.

That-That... yeah, that's...

Why don't we get to that circular
saw now? That's what we ought to do.

Well, you have a
wife and a family.

You have no idea what it's like

coming home to an empty
one-bedroom apartment every night.

You got a
great-looking apartment.

I been there. It's nice.

Well, I just think you
wouldn't kid me so much

if you knew, well, just
how very, very lonely I am.

(sobs)

I'm going back to my seat.

No kidding.

Al. Hey, buddy...

It's male improvement.

The improved male is
sensitive to his wife's needs.

And how do we get sensitive?

By reaching down deep,
getting in touch with our emotions,

and sharing our
feelings with others.

(engine starts and runs)

Yeah! Yeah!

All right, Dad!

Yeah, you did it, Dad!

You got the car
running. Excellent.

Yeah! Yeah!

Whoo! Ohh!

Master mechanic
triumphs. Arr-arr-arr.

Dad did an awesome
job, didn't he, Mom?

Yeah, yeah, he really did.

Boys, why don't you go
wash up before dinner?

OK.

OK.

So you, uh, put a lot
of work into that car?

Not really. Just had to remove
the damaged short block,

get all the damaged parts
out, got a new short block,

had it milled and bored for me,

new piston rings, connecting
rods, main bearings,

oil pump, fuel pump, water pump,

upper motor, polish
and port the heads,

uh, new canooter valve,
rewired it, add more...

add a little more power,
but that's about it, hon.

I didn't realize
that little oil light

could be such a big problem.

It's just a car, honey.

It's not a human being.

It's not like the human being

I love more than
anything else in the world.

You know why I like tools?
Because they fix things.

You tear down a
motor, see the problem,

it's right there,
boom, it's fixed.

I wish I could fix things
between us that easily.

Is that an apology?

I don't think I can
apologize enough

for the things I do.

All I can offer is a lifetime
of groveling at your feet.

Ha. That'd be a start.

I promise, in the future,

I will always
put oil in the car.

And I'll say nice
things about your hair.

While groveling?

You bet.

I'm, uh, I am prepared
to offer cash gifts.

Arr.

Arr.

Arr-arr-arr.

Al.

Tim.

So?

So...

Hey, that's a nice-looking
shirt. Brand-new?

No, it's an old one.

Well, it looks
really good on you.

Thanks.

Hey, maybe some girl'll see you
in that shirt and wanna marry you.

Thanks, Tim, I appreciate that.

Arr-arr.