Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 4 - Satellite on a Hot Tim's Roof - full transcript

OK, now that we've
finished clamping our stool

and the glue has set,

let's move on to our tabletop.

We're gonna show you how to
do a dado head cut move today.

Now, a "dado" is
just a carpenter's term

for a groove cut into wood,

and if you use the word "dado,"

your wife will think you're
real intelligent, right, Al?

I'm not married, Tim.

Well, if you use it
in a conversation,

maybe you'll get lucky.



For cutting that dado,

we're gonna be using
something that looks a lot like this.

Here you go, Tim.

(audience) Whoo!

Well, thank you.

This is the Binford Mach
3 super-plunge router.

Oh, a thing of beauty, isn't it?

3-horsepower motor,

variable electronic
speed control

and adjustable
depth-stop system.

When using a router, you
want to use a real steady hand.

You might want to
use the guide arm, Tim,

so it doesn't get away from you.

Well, you don't always have to use
the guide arm if you have a steady hand.



If you want a straight line...

Al, I've been doing
this for years, all right?

Just hold the table, all right?

OK.

Start our cut, set
your depth gauge,

and get going.

Perfect, Al.

Just... does a good
job of scrolling. Uh...

While Al cleans up this
deliberate mess of mine,

I'd like to welcome a new
family member to Tool Time...

Alpena, Michigan.

Cold in the winter.

Pretty cold in the
summer, too, isn't it?

Kidding around with you. It's
Channel 97 there on your cable box.

And I'd like to give the folks
up there in Alpina... Al, uh...

Al. There you are.
A Tool Time greet...

What do you say, Al?
Ar-ar. Come on, guys. Ar-ar.

(all) Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar.

Well, I'll tell you...

That's about all
for Tool Time today.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor,

hopin'... hopin'

that all your
fasteners stay tight.

See ya next time.

Ar-ar.

Thank you, ma'am.

Good show, Al. Good show.

Yeah, right, Tim.

You know, I'm installing a
satellite dish this Saturday.

The one we used on
the show last week?

They almost gave
it to me demo cost.

Cost me nothing, man.

I'm happy for you, Tim.

I was kind of hoping you
could stop by Saturday,

maybe have lunch
and help me put it up.

Ah, gee. Well, I was king of
hoping to have the weekend alone,

kind of a private man time.

Al! Oh, good. Al... Yeah.

What time did you say you
wanted to come over tomorrow

to help me put up
my bookshelves?

Well, uh, how about 9:00?

That's perfect.
I'll see you then.

Bye, Tim. See ya, Lis.

Kind of that private
man time, huh?

Well, she's a coworker, Tim.

I... I think of her as a man.

That's why you're
still single, Al.

OK, once we get that satellite
dish put up on the roof there,

run that co-ax cable
down the wall there, Mark,

run it through the house, soffit
here, attach it to that TV set,

and we are equipped
to get 200 stations.

200 stations? Yeah.

Great. Now it's gonna take
45 minutes for you to find out

there's nothing on you
wanna watch. Yeah!

(phone ringing)

Hey... (sniffs)

Could you smell that?

That's... That's diesel fumes.

That's a turbo diesel.

That's 16 speeds. Tatum axle.

That's a delivery
truck. (grunts)

You can smell all
that? I sure can.

Come on, help me out.

Go out on that front porch.

See if that delivery
truck's on the way.

I think our satellite dish is
coming. Let me know when it's in.

Oh, great. You're a lifesaver.

No, no, no. No, today
is fine. Come right over.

Thank you so much. I
really appreciate this.

OK. Bye-bye. (softly) All right.

Who was that? Rondall.

Rondall.

Yeah, you know, the teacher

from that job-search
seminar I've been taking.

Why is he coming over here?

Last Monday after class,
we were having coffee,

and he said that
anybody who needed...

(whistles) Time
out. Flag that play.

You had coffee
with Rondall? Yeah.

You didn't tell me... didn't
tell me about this coffee.

Oh, I'm sorry. It was
cream, two sugars.

Well, was it coffee

or coffee and dancing?

Tim, don't be silly.

It was a few of us went
out for coffee after class...

That "safety in numbers" thing.

And Rondall said that if
anybody needed any extra help,

that we should give him a call.

So you sprinted
right over to the phone

and called him.

Yes. He's gonna help
me get my résumé in order

for that job interview
I have Monday.

Giving up his
whole day Saturday.

That guy must have a
pretty understanding wife.

He's not married.

How'd you find that
out... during coffee?

No, while we were dancing.

That's sweet.

Tim, what is the matter
with you? Don't you trust me?

No, it's not trust.
I'm just not sure

that a man would give all
day Saturday for a woman

unless he wanted
something in return.

Tim, he's just a good
guy. He's helping me out.

Don't I recall you telling me

that he was this big strapping
cute big, hunk kind of guy?

You know I never said that.

Is he kinda cute?

I don't know. Some
people would say so.

(deep voice) Cuter than me?

Some people would say so.

(laughs)

(Brad) Whoa.

Hey, this is cool!

(Randy) Excellent.

That's true parabolic shape

for super-efficient
reflectivity, man.

Mr. Taylor, will you
sign this, please?

Sure, man.

Oh, my God, this thing is huge.

How are you ever going
to get that up on the roof?

Well, that's why I have that
pulley-ratchet system setup up there.

Well, you're gonna
put this up yourself?

Uh-huh.

Yeah. Right.

(laughing)

(mocking laugh)

Tim, what do you actually know

about installing
a satellite dish?

It's simple.

Mount it, point it straight up.

Any man could do that.

Yeah, but...

but it has to stay up
longer than ten seconds.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that must be Rondall.

Oh, boys, look, it's the
dancing coffee drinker.

Hey, hey.

Tim, this interview is
really important to me.

This guy is gonna help
me. Please behave.

I promise I will be a perfect
gentleman the entire time he's here.

All right. Thanks. How
does this thing work, Dad?

Well, use your
imagination, if you will.

You look up there.

There are satellites
orbiting the planet,

sucking up information
from every corner of the globe

and spitting it back down
here in this parabolic dish.

Now, this is very dangerous,
though, satellite dishes,

'cause they have
a pulse of their own.

If you don't watch out,
they can suck you into 'em!

(all shout)

(Tim growling and grunting)

Help me!

Tim. Tim!

Tim, this is Rondall Kittleman.

Rondall, this is my husband Tim.

Hi. Tim.

And these are my boys.

That's Randy, Mark and Brad.

I was just showing the
kids how scientific these...

We just got this today.
Oh, really? It's a beauty.

Help me, Dad.
It's sucking me in.

No, it's not. No, it's not.

No, I don't know where
they get these ideas.

Go on, you guys.
Get out of here.

Mommy, look, I got
a splinter. Aw, honey.

Let's go get the
tweezers and get that out.

Will you excuse
me? Just a minute.

Honey, hope you realize

I'm gonna have
to use the needle.

No!

So, Jill's told me a
lot about you, Ron.

Rondall. It's Rondall.

Great name.

You know, you
look familiar. I...

Well, you've probably
seen me on TV.

I got my own home
improvement show.

Jill told you about it.

No, she didn't mention it.

Oh, no, right, right, right.
Wait a minute. Of course.

That's why you look familiar. You
got that little tool show on the cable.

We don't look at it as little. We pick
up a lot of cities. We just got Alpina.

Oh, yeah? Really?

Both sets?

(laughs)

Sorry. I was just
kidding you there, pal.

That's pretty funny, Rondall.

Oh, uh, do that thing
you do on the show,

that barking sound, that, uh...

(imitates wheezy bark)

It's really not barking.

It's more like a
simian, a grunt...

Ar-ar.

Yeah. Barking, grunting.

Whatever. It's very funny.

Very funny show.
You're very funny on it.

It's not all fun and games. It's a home
improvement show. Basically, what we do...

Well, yeah, but
you're very funny on it,

not like the other guy, the
guy who knows everything.

Al. Al.

Al's my assistant.

He assists me.

I think I got everything ready.

Do you want to
get started? Sure.

I'd like to help you guys, but I'm
gonna finish up that satellite stuff.

Can I take your
coat? Oh, thank you.

Your husband's putting
up a satellite dish, huh?

Yeah, this afternoon. I
hope you have some help.

(mutters) Don't need
any help, Bondo.

No, I'm gonna
do it all by myself.

Tim, maybe you should call Al,

'cause he really knows
about all that stuff.

Al is my assistant.
He assists me.

Gee, I think you
should listen to Jill.

When I had mine put in,

I had a couple of guys from
Global View Satellites install it.

Did you?

That must have cost
you a pretty penny, huh?

Well, it was worth it when
you consider that the installation

requires a precise calculation

of the declination angle of the
dish in relation to the equator.

Yeah.

Slightest deviation,
the dish is useless.

'Course, you know that.

Goes without saying.

Tim, call Al.

Al is busy today.

Of course, the
important thing right now

is that you just get
that dish up on the roof.

No problemo, Rondonello.

Wilson?

Wilson, are you back there?

Right here, good neighbor.

I was wondering, when you watch my
show Tool Time, do you think I'm funny?

Well, I've got to be
honest with you, Tim.

I've never seen the show.

You've never seen my show?

No, no, no, no, but I
don't have a television.

Everybody's got a TV.

Not me. I just use
my imagination,

watch the pictures
inside my mind.

Cuts down on reruns,
then, doesn't it?

Not really, Tim.
There's always déja vu.

Right.

Tim, I got the feeling you got
something more on your mind

than television.

Nah, not really, Wilson.

It's just Jill is working on
her résumé with this guy,

a know-it-all type.

He's trying to impress her.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And that worries you.

Well, I'm not jealous, you know.

I'm the least jealous
guy on earth, really.

Curious thing about jealousy.

Usually it stems
from insecurity.

Well, there's no
insecurity here.

Tell you that.

However much I'm not jealous,

I'm twice as much not insecure.

You should be secure, Tim.

You've got what
every man dreams of.

Yeah... satellite dish.

No, Tim.

Three strapping
boys, a nice home,

a loving wife.

You're so right, you know.

Jill and I share so
many great things.

Memories, great food...
we love eating, you know.

Laughter.

Nobody makes
her laugh like I do.

(Jill laughs)

(grunts)

(Jill and Rondall laughing)

What's so funny? What
are you laughing at?

It was nothing. It was
nothing at all. Really.

We always laugh around
here. Come on, what's so funny?

Well, OK, there's a
woman in our class

that was always
asking questions.

(laughs)

No, honey, that's
not the funny part.

Oh, yeah, of course.

So, anyway, this one day

Rondall asked if there
were any questions,

and the woman stands up

and forgets what
she was gonna say.

Oh, it's really... I told
you, it's not funny.

(chuckles)

Guess you had to be there.

(laughs) Yeah. Yeah.

I gotta make some
measurements for this cable,

so you guys just
pretend like I'm not here.

OK. OK, now, listen,
about this interview...

I was gonna wear this blue
suit with a plain white blouse.

Now, is that just too
blah? No, no, I like white.

It's simple, but it's classic.

It shows you're not
a slave to trends.

(laughing)

Yes? What was that, Tim?

Huh? Oh, uh, nothing.

I was thinking about that joke.

She didn't know what to say.

It just took me a while.

(sighs)

So, anyway, Rondall,

this jacket has really big shoulder
pads, so should I take them out?

'Cause you hear about how wide shoulders
make your neck look small and geeky.

No, no, no, no.

Wide shoulders show
that you bear responsibility.

Uh, maybe we should
just get back to the résumé.

OK. I brought some samples over,

which I left in the car.

I'll go get 'em. Be right back.

Oh. OK.

Tim, what was this?

I was shoveling manure.

You're not buying this crock.

I love this stuff.

Well, shoulder pads
show strength in motion.

Color just brightens
your life. I know, I know.

It sounds really stupid,
but the guy is a professional.

He knows what he's doing.
What is the matter with you?

What's the matter with me

is I'm seeing a guy in my
house hitting on my wife.

What?

Oh, come on. Don't be so naive.

You see what's
happening here? No.

Guy's over here on Saturday,

drinking coffee,
making you laugh.

Oh, God, you're right.

How could I have missed
something so obvious?

He's obviously just a
great big walking hormone.

You laugh. You make jokes.

I can smell
testosterone right here.

Oh, and just a wee bit of
estrogen thrown in, huh?

Tim!

Look at this. Look.

Tim, get out of there. That
is his personal property.

Look at this. Breath
mints, cigarettes.

Now I got it.

This is before...

this is after.

You know, there may be a very good
reason for him to have breath mints.

Rondall may just
have bad breath.

Actually, I don't.

Ohh.

Ohh, Rondall,
you know, it's just...

you know how sometimes when
people smoke, they have bad breath.

Will you excuse me
for a minute, please?

I want to talk to Tim.

By gum, you said it.

Tim... I haven't worked
in a really long time.

I'm really nervous about this
interview that I have Monday.

This guy is trying to help me.

This guy would be helping
himself to you if I wasn't here.

He'd have his
hands all over you.

No chance of that. You haven't left
us alone for more than ten minutes.

That what you want? Ten minutes?

I just want to finish
my résumé. Fine.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Rondall.

I'll be up on the roof,
completely out of sight.

You won't even hear me, rest
of the day. I can't hear a thing.

Be up there all by myself.

Thank you. Thank you.

I am so sorry for
all the interruptions.

That's OK. Maybe we
can do this another time.

Oh, but my interview at
the Duncan Phillips Agency

is on Monday.

Oh, OK. Well, then,
let's finish your résumé.

We're almost done
anyhow. Thank you.

What time is your appointment
on Monday? It's 2:00.

Why don't you and I
have lunch together?

Are you saying lunch,
just you and me, just...?

No, 'course not.

No, I'm a good friend of
the VP in Sales over there,

and I thought maybe you
could join us before the interview.

Oh, great!

Great! That...

That just would be
a tremendous help.

It's a date.

Now, um...

when you put down your
educational information,

make sure...

I'm sorry. I forgot.

My friend won't be back
from Cleveland on Monday.

Ohh. Ohh.

But you and I could
still get together.

No, wait, you mean, that we're
back to you and I alone together?

Mm-hmm.

Jill, you know your husband's
hanging from the roof

spying on us?

No, no, he's not
spying on us. No?

No, he's just
hanging upside down.

Uh, he does that all
the time to check things.

I think he has a
problem with me.

No, he really likes
you. Does he?

Yeah. (laughs)

I think he's a little bit
uncomfortable with me,

and I think it's because he's
sensing what I've been sensing.

Which is what?

Well, you have been
sending out signals.

Signals? What signals?

You asked me out
for coffee after class.

Oh, no, no, no. No.

That was just...
There were four of us.

You were just across...
way across the table.

But every time I turn
around from the blackboard,

I see you staring into my eyes.

No, that's just paying
attention. That's a good thing.

I don't know why
you're fighting it, Jill.

There's obviously something
happening between us.

I feel it. You feel
it. It's chemistry.

No, I flunked chemistry.

Jill...

you're playing hard to get.

I love that.

No, no, I'm playing no
get. I am a no-get woman.

I'm a happy married no-get woman

with a wonderful husband...

Aah!

(grunts) There's
Mr. Wonderful now.

Honey, are you all right?

I'm just testing the
safety line on this, honey.

Rondall, I'm sorry, but I'm
gonna have to ask you to leave.

Oh, oh, oh, that's good,
that's good, that's good.

You're pretending
to throw me out

because your husband can see us.

No, I'm really throwing you out.

I think you should speak a
little louder so he can hear you.

Here's your coat.
There's the door.

That's a good
touch with the jacket.

I like that.

Look, Rondall, you
want a signal? Uh-huh.

Here is your signal.

Wait a minute. I'm confused.

Does that mean
we're not having lunch?

Get out!

Jill, come on out here, please.

Tim. Oh, Tim, I
don't believe it.

I am so embarrassed.
I feel like such a fool.

Could you untangle
that rope up...

You were right. That
slime came on to me.

He wanted me to
have lunch with him.

Get him out here.
Come on out here.

It's OK. I took care of it. I
threw him out. Good for you.

He said I was
sending him signals.

Jill, could you just untie this
knot? I would never send signals.

I know you wouldn't, Jill, but we
could talk about this some other time.

My legs are really
numb. I am so sorry.

I just never realized, you know?

I'm a married woman.
I got three kids.

You're a beautiful,
intelligent, sexy woman,

and he'd be a fool
not to hit on you.

Aw, Tim.

Hey! You're so sweet.

Could you cut me down, please?

No, I like you like this.

All right, settle in.

200 channels of
family entertainment.

Seen it.

Seen it. Seen that.

Seen it. Seen it. Seen it.

Will you slow down?
Just let me have that thing.

Oh, boy.

(grunting on TV)
OK, what's that?

Sumo wrestling from Japan.
(Tim speaks pseudo-Japanese)

Seen it.

(♪ classical)

Oh, now, that's better. Opera.

(boys) Aah!

Phew!

Arr!