Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 3 - Off Sides - full transcript

Welcome to the Taylor home.

We're about ready to start that
second half of this fantastic game,

Green Bay Packers,
Minnesota Vikings. Ar-ar-ar!

Before we go down to the field,

let's check out
that snack situation.

Mark, take it away.

Pretzels, licorice, pork rinds.

Yeah. That's three major
food groups right there...

salt, sugar, lard.

All right, today, I got
cold brewskies for me,

ice-cold root brewskies
for my boys. Dad...



Here's the chips.
You got it, buddy.

Go long.

Nice pass, kid.

Dad, you're turning all red.

Heh-heh-heh. Ha-ha.

There's a warning
label right there.

You shouldn't open these
in broad daylight in Detroit.

Could cause an explosion. Ha.

Wow, look at this
warning label...

socks may strike
husband unexpectedly.

You could put an
eye out like that.

Boys, help me clean this mess up.
Second half's about ready to begin.

Here, hurry up!

Listen, don't get too
involved in that, Tim.



We have to get ready to go soon.

Go? Where we going?

Dinner. Tonight. Chez Pierre.

That can't be tonight.

It most certainly is.

What about the big game?

What have you been
watching all this time?

This is the little game
right before the big game.

The big game's the
Rams and the Lions.

Why didn't you remind
me about dinner?

Now don't pull that.

I asked you yesterday if you reconfirmed
the reservations, and you said, "Uh-huh."

I said, "Were they for
7:00?" You said, "Uh-huh."

I said, "Did you get the
baby-sitter? You said, "Uh-huh."

I guess that means you
didn't get the baby-sitter, huh?

Uh-uh.

Unbelievable.

I completely forgot.

We can't get a
baby-sitter at this late hour.

This is a tremendous
disappointment to me.

Yeah, I'll bet it is.

This was supposed to
be our romantic night out.

Hey, romance? I got it.

Why don't you and I go upstairs,

turn the lights
down, sit in bed,

bottle of wine, and we can
watch the game up there!

You're not getting out of this

without anything
short of pneumonia.

(coughs)

Boy, it's funny
you mentioned that.

This morning, I horked up
something nasty-looking.

It shot right out of my lungs.

Well, suck it back in.
We're going to dinner.

Whoa.

(Mark whistles)

You don't whistle
at guys, you doofus.

You can when they look
as handsome as your daddy.

Looking pretty good
yourself, sweetheart.

(making gagging
and coughing noises)

Please.

Put a lid on it.

Who'd you get to
baby-sit for us? Linda?

No. She finds you
boys a little... active.

Good. She smells.

Did you get Allison?

No, honey. She's busy,
but she sends her love.

(kissing sounds)

Stop that. Sit, sit.

Then who'd you get?

Well, I found someone new.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, go, go!

Tim! Go get the door!

Please turn off the television!

Mrs. Taylor? Yes.

Sir Larry Houdini,

world's second-greatest
escape artist

and magician extraordinaire.

Hey, you're great. I saw you at
Chris Johnson's birthday party.

Oh, lovely little girl.

Chris is a boy.

Strange little boy.

But tell me, where are
the birthday balloons,

funny party hats, the pony ride?

Well, actually, no one
here is having a birthday.

You told me on the
phone it was a birthday.

Yeah, I know. I
lied. I'm so sorry.

I was desperate. My
husband didn't get a baby-sitter

and I called everybody I
knew and everybody was busy.

Couldn't you just please stay?

Never. Never.

Sir Larry has
performed prestidigitation

before prime ministers,
heads of state,

two kings and a cranky duke

and never once has he stooped
to baby-sitting to make ends meet.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday...

♪ Your names here

♪ Happy birthday to you

Thank you so much. You don't
know what this means to me.

Well, boys, the
performance is about to start,

so would you please help Sir
Larry in with his magical trunk?

Uh, Jill, hold on a minute.
What's going on here?

I'm sorry. Sir Larry,
this is my husband Tim.

Tim, this is Sir Larry, the
baby-sitter. How you doing?

And magician extraordinaire.

I bet you are,
Larry. Uh, Jill...

you got a magician
to baby-sit my boys?

Perfect. Perfect.

Sir Larry, the number where we
are at the restaurant is right here.

Call us if you
have any problems.

Whoa!

What happened,
Brad? What happened?

Lions just recovered a fumble!

Yes!

OK, goodbye, boys.
Goodbye, Sir Larry.

Let's go, Tim.

We should stay
and watch a trick.

It's not gonna
work, Tim. Let's go.

Oh, my wallet. Left it
over there by the TV.

I've got credit cards!

Do ya?

Oh, my medicine's
up by the TV upstairs.

You don't take medicine.

Oh! I should take some. I'm
feeling a horker coming on.

This is so romantic.

And you have to admit,
it's a beautiful place.

A beautiful place for
a beautiful woman.

Oh, thank you, sweetie.

I really, really do
appreciate this.

I know it was hard for
you to leave that game.

Game? What game?

Excuse me, sir. Can you tell
me where the ladies' room is?

Down the hall to the left.

I'll be right back.

And I'll be right
here, Jill. Right here.

I'll be right here.

Could you give me a
hand with this thing?

Is that a radio?

Yeah. You got the game on?

Got the game on.

I want to get that
second quarter

before she gets back
from the bathroom.

Oh, man, this is
absolutely brilliant.

Thanks, buddy.

So what's happening?

Hold on a minute. Hold on.

There we go. Yes!
What, what, what?

Some kind of interception.
They're inside the six. First and goal.

All right. What's the score?

Hold on, hold on.

Riley's in motion. Uh-huh.

Rodney Peete's back,
he's back... Jill's back!

Hi, Jill!

Did you miss me?

Sure, I missed you.

Are you OK?

Oh, yeah.

You ever twist
your neck real fast,

get one of those cricks?

Well, I got that.

Do you want me to rub it?

Your neck. My neck?

No. If I put my hand like
this, it feels much better now.

OK. Ooh, look at this.

"Endive soufflé prepared
with mushrooms."

Yes!

Mushroom, mmm.

Tim... you don't like mushrooms.

At home, no. But
here, you know, they...

there are oils and stuff here.

Oh, look, look. They have
your favorite... trout almandine.

All right!

What happened?

I'm having the trout!

Tim, would you like to tell me what's
going on, why you're sitting like that?

My neck.

Perhaps I should look at it.

No, no. From the naked eye,

it would look like
any other neck,

and cricks are
generally inside necks.

Gimme your hand.

Hey, look at that.

Gimme your other hand.

I don't want to.

Oh, Tim, gimme the radio.

I wasn't gonna listen
to the whole thing.

Would it help if I
said I was sorry?

It might. I'm sorry.

It didn't. Is this the volume?

Aah!

That's it, boys. Nice and tight.

Sir Larry loves a challenge.

This is too cool.

Oh, thank you, milad.

Do we get to stick
swords in the box?

Sword in the box...
fantastic illusion.

Sends the mind reeling
and the pulse racing.

I don't do it.

Why not?

Too easy.

Now, then, milad,

will you kindly assist
me into the trunk?

Thank you.

Now you will close
the trunk and lock it.

When I give the command,

you will set the
timer at ten seconds.

And when the timer goes off,

I shall appear
at the front door.

I don't know. Ten
seconds isn't very long.

To you, but to Sir Larry,
ten seconds is an eternity.

Now, boys, prepare
to be astonished.

Close the lid!

Is the trunk securely locked?

Yes, it is.

Then set the timer
and stand back!

(grunting and straining)

Sir Larry!

Boys!

Reset the timer!

You know what you are,
Tim. You are a sports addict.

I am not. I like sports. I
have a very healthy interest.

But I am not an addict.

(staff cheering)

Is that the Lions'
game on in there?

Yes. That's why
service is a little slow.

The staff have a
television in the kitchen.

Hey...

Did you get a score?
What's the score?

I'm not sure.

I know the Lions intercepted
a pass on the Rams' 20.

(both) Yes.

I bet it was Spielman.

Oh, Chris Spielman.
Awesome player.

Last week, see him
against Minnesota?

See him? Man, I was there.

(staff reacts to play)

I can't take it. I've
got to see this game.

Honey, I'm sorry. I'll be back.

Heh-heh. Whoo, that
guy's got a problem.

Heh-heh-heh. That
guy is addicted to sports.

He is out of control.

And you're not?

No, no, no. We're here to talk
about whatever you wanna talk about.

Well, that's good, 'cause
I wanna talk about us.

Oh.

You now how we're
always talking about

how we need to find more things
that we can do together for fun?

We always talk about it, but
we never do anything about it?

Let's do something
about it. Next weekend.

Monster truck rally
and tractor pull.

Well, gee, as much
fun as that sounds,

I was really thinking
more along the lines of...

ballroom dancing.

Yeah.

Boy, that was my second choice.

No, no, really. I'm serious.

I think it would really be
fun to take dancing lessons.

Me? The king? Remember, college?

Tim, disco didn't
die. You killed it.

No, I'm talking about grown-up
dancing, Fred and Ginger.

I thought Fred married Wilma.

No. Ha-ha-ha.

You know what I mean.

You know, holding
each other close,

swaying to the music...

♪ Gliding across the floor ♪

Gliding in public's not me.

We can take private
lessons, just you and me.

(guys in the back
react to the play)

Unbelievable!

Uh-oh. Come here,
you gotta see this.

Sanders just broke one for
50 yards around the right side.

They tackled him on the one.
We're gonna score! It's a first down!

Happy anniversary, baby.

Honey...

would you like to go
and watch the game?

No, no. We were talking about...

uh...

(both) Ballroom dancing.

That's...

(staff cheers)

So, anyway, the lessons
are on Tuesday nights.

Uh-huh.

And it doesn't really
cost very much.

(staff reacts to play)

And, uh, I've been having
an affair with a space alien.

Uh-huh.

Yep, I'm having his baby.

Uh-huh.

Go, go, go! Touchdown!

Honey... go.

I'm fine. I don't have
to see the game.

Trust me, it's OK. I
really want you to go.

Thank you.

(guys cheer in the back)

(phone rings)

Hello? Hi, Mommy.

Guess what
happened to Sir Larry!

Mark! Don't tell her, stupid.

Why? We didn't do anything.

The guy's locked in a box.

Who do you think
she's gonna blame?

Uhh!

Hi, Mom. Yeah, we're fine.

Oh, yeah, he's
excellent. A lot of fun.

Yeah, good tricks, too.

Um, now?

Well, um, he
can't talk right now.

Um, he just can't.

She wants to talk to Mark.

That's because she
knows he'll squeal.

I won't squeal. I promise.

Hello, Mommy. Brad and Randy
locked Sir Larry in the trunk.

Unh!

Boys!

It's OK, Sir Larry.

If we get the trunk high enough
and drop it, it'll break open.

Please, let's not
be hasty, boys.

Mom and Dad are home.

We're dead. Hide.

(Tim) Boys!

Randy! Mark! Brad!

(Mark) Out here!

Mark, where is Mr. Houdini?

In there.

Are you all right, Mr. Houdini?

I'm fine. The x-rays

may reveal otherwise, however.

Mark, where are your brothers?

I don't know, Dad.

(whispers) In the bushes.

Here, honey, get down.

Brad, Randy, come
on out, come on.

Come on right now.

I don't know what gets
into you guys sometimes.

What'd you stuff that
old man in that trunk for?

He told us to. Why would
he wanna be put in a trunk?

But he did tell us to.
Yeah, he did. It's the truth.

He's not...

The boys are speaking the truth.
They are completely innocent.

We'll talk about this in the
morning. It's bedtime now.

Come on, I wanna
see if he gets out.

No, no. I'll be up
there later. Go on.

Honey, we're in
some kind of trouble.

These are reinforced,

polycarbonate
American butt hinges.

Sir Larry, is there anything that
we can do, someone we can call?

Yes, you can call my
son, Cyril the Magnificent.

He has an extra set of
keys, and he's at 555-7653.

All right, I'll call right away.

Hang in there, Sir Larry.
Take real short, little breaths.

(accordion bellows expand)

Wilson?

Howdy, neighbor. What
are you doin' over there?

Oh, just mending the
bellows on my accordion.

Cool.

What's in the trunk?

Famous magician.

Oh, is he coming out of the box?

As soon as his son
comes over and unlocks it.

Not much of a trick, Tim.

Have you got a minute?

Sure, good buddy.
You got a problem?

Well, it's Jill.

I love her. She's the most
important thing in my life.

What did you do this time, Tim?

We went out tonight to
have a night just by ourselves,

real romantic,
that kind of stuff,

and I spoiled it because
of a football game.

We won.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I don't know what it is about
football and me. I'm obsessed, I think.

Well, why do you
think that is, Tim?

I think it's 'cause
I love it, Wilson.

I love the surprise and the
strategy and the strength

and the big guys with the
logos, the colorful helmets,

the shine of the pads
and the mouth guards,

the cleats, the hitting, the impact,
the swearing, the sweating! Ar-ar-ar!

Ohh-ooh.

It sets me free, Wilson.

What you're describing, Tim,

is what Aristotle
would call a catharsis.

Catharsis. How
do you spell that?

Let's just say an
emotional release, Tim.

Bingo. That's what I feel,

and I don't think
she understands that.

She doesn't have to. I'm sure there are
things about her that you don't understand.

You got that right.

You know that woman has
never had a haircut she liked?

Well, there you go.

And I go into her closet,

I see 19 pairs of black
shoes. What's that all about?

Well, Tim, different outfits
require different shoes.

You've got your pumps,
your flats, your espadrilles,

your open-toes, your
T-straps, your patent leather.

I could go on and on.

I get the feeling you could.

The point is, you and Jill

don't have to understand
each other completely.

What is important is to share

and enjoy the things
you both do understand.

That's exactly what she
was talking about, too.

Sharing. She wanted to
share... ballroom dancing.

Well, why don't
you give it a try? I...

As the ancient
Celtic saying goes...

"Never give a sword to
a man who can't dance."

Uhh?

Sir Larry!

Still in here.

Yes, um, Cyril is on his
way over with the keys.

Oh, thank you, kind madam.

Hi.

Hi.

About tonight, Jill.

I know I was stupid. I
know I spoiled things.

I wanna apologize,

and I won't watch
all-day football anymore.

What about Thanksgiving
and New Year's?

Uh... half-day.

Or I'll cut out the pregame
show or something.

I'll... just try not to
be so stupid about it.

You'd do that for me?

In a second.

Well, we can always
try and do it again.

Go out some evening,
have some romance.

Well, we're here, we're alone,

moon's full.

It's pretty romantic.
What more do you need?

(Wilson plays the accordion)

Hey!

No.

(Sir Larry) ♪ I'll be
loving you always

♪ With a love that's true always

♪ When the things you
planned need a helping hand

♪ I will understand

♪ Always, always

♪ Fate may not be fair always ♪

Once you've cut the opening,

you're ready to lay the
sink in there, right? Al?

That's right, Tim.

Home improvement's not just
about renovating the kitchen.

There's a lot of other
ways to improve your home.

Always be aware of
your partner's needs.

Take time out

to share some special
time with your spouse.

Right, Al?

I'm not married, Tim.

Well, if you
changed those shirts

and get a haircut or something.

I got a haircut.

Get a better one, Al.

OK.

All right. We drop it on
three, huh? On three.

1... 2...

Unh!

Hey!

Al!

(♪ romantic music)