Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 2 - Mow Better Blues - full transcript

All right, son, this is
an ordinary lawn tractor,

and we have to Tim Taylorize it.

So first we gotta remove this puny
12 1/2-horse Blade-O-Matic motor...

'cause we wanna cut lawn
maintenance time way down,

so what do we need?

More power!

You learn well, my little one.

We're gonna
replace it with this,

because this is more power.

Wow.

Darn right, wow.



This is a twin-cylinder
1600cc motorcycle engine.

Normally aspirated
at 58 horsepower.

Your dad has
ported and polished it,

blueprinted the crank, and
balanced it all the way through.

Huh? It's got a reverse
gear... who needs it?

Four forward gears
and a suicide clutch.

On a good clear day,
the ET on this bad boy

should be under 15
seconds at a quarter of a mile.

We can do zero to 60
in under 5.5 seconds.

We gonna race it?

You bet.

Soon as we install this bad boy,

we're gonna enter
the Indianapolis 500.

By the time the rest
of the pack catches us,



we'll have won the race
and mowed the infield.

Want me to get you a towel, Dad?

Why would I want a towel?

To wipe the grease
off your hands.

Grease is our friend.

When you work on a
heavy-duty machine,

you expect some
grease on your hands.

As a matter of fact, you like
grease all over, kind of like war paint.

Yeah.

Chief Spark Plug. Ar-ar-ar.

We're gonna need a variety of
tools today, so you want to make sure

you get all your tools
lined up within easy reach.

What's this one?

Ooh, man.

That's my Tolan precision
engineered torque wrench.

See the gauge there?
Measures pounds per square inch.

You use this for all your delicate
bolts, like on the engine head

and when you bolt the
engine to the chassis there.

It looks old.

Oh, it's not old.
It's... it's experienced.

This is the Yoda of my
tool bench right here.

(mumbles) Yeah.

It's been in my family
almost 20 years.

My dad gave it to me, and
someday I'm gonna give it to you.

Gee, thanks, Dad.
You bet, buddy.

(men shouting on TV)

Death to the heathens!

And to all gladiators who jump
on my couch. Get off of there.

Here's my stuff for
the rummage sale.

Oh, good, good.

Spartacus, did you go
through your closet yet?

No, not yet.

Would you please turn
off the TV and do that now?

Mom, this is the bloodiest part.

Brad, this rummage
sale is a fund-raiser

to get your hockey
team new uniforms.

Now, turn off the TV now.

Aw, man!

While Brad was
watching television,

I filled my box up to the top.

Thank you, Randy.

It's nice to know I
have one perfect child.

I do what I can.

(mocking) I filled
my box up to the top.

Hey! Hey! Stop that.

If I hear any fighting, there's
gonna be liver for dinner.

(both) Aah!

(no audio)

Hi, Mommy. Look,
I'm all greased up.

Well, how nice for you.

I think you missed a spot
right here on your nose.

Good eye, Mom.

So, this is the slight
adjustment to the riding mower

you were talking about?

Slight 150-horsepower
adjustment, hon.

What do you think?

Well, with that engine,

you won't just be
cutting the grass,

you'll be sucking
it up by the roots.

Why do you always come
out here and mess up my tools?

I'm sorry. I'm just
looking for the duck tape.

It's not duck
"quack-quack" tape.

It's duct tape,
like heating duct.

Well, excuse me.

(over-enunciates) Duct tape.

Excuse me while I rinse
the side of my face off.

It's right over there
on the pegboard.

What's it doing on the pegboard?
Shouldn't tape be in a drawer?

(sighs) Jill, this is a
garage, not Fabric World.

In a shop, tape hangs on a hook

because it has a hole in it.

So does your head, but
it's not hanging on a hook.

Borrow the tape. Promise me
you'll put it back where it belongs.

Of course I will. I always do.

Do you now? Yeah.

Recognize this?

Spiral ratchet screwdriver.

Found it under the sink this
morning. What was that all about?

Well, the ice was
all stuck together,

and I needed something
to break it apart.

You're pounding ice with this?

Yeah. It worked great.

Jill, this is a precision tool.

It's not an ice pick.

Tim, don't be silly.
Give me the tape.

No. How would you feel if I attacked
your little opera record collection

and used Madame Butterfly for a
Frisbee? You don't touch my records.

Right, because I
respect your space.

That's your space, your zone.

This is my zone, my
sacred territory right here.

Oh, so, uh,

so this tool bench
is like your altar?

This is where I
pray to the tool gods.

♪ Oy-ee-ha-ha, ee-ee-ha ♪

Gosh, I am so moved, I think I should
sing a chorus of "Amazing Wrench."

Don't do this.

♪ Amazing wrench

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

(whirs)

(laughing)

Do you hear the
laughter right here?

Just promise me you'll ask
me if you want to borrow a tool.

OK, fine.

How much do you
swear? Oh, please.

Come on, humor me. Tim...

It'll help me emotionally
if you do this.

Come on, stand up.

Stand up? Stand up.

Put your right arm up.

Put your left arm... Put
your left arm on the tool.

The wrench? The wrench.

Repeat after me. I, Jill...

I, Jill...

(laughing)

I, Jill, swear on this Binford
cordless ratchet wrench...

swear on this blah-blah
blah-blah blah-blah wrench...

(both) Binford cordless
ratchet wrench...

that I will never touch my husband
Tim Taylor's tool bench ever again.

Ever again.

Touched it. Jill...

Touched it,
touched it, touched it.

(laughing)

Can you feel the anger
in this room right now?

You have irritated
the tool gods.

You must now be smeared
with the holy grease of disdain.

Tim, don't you
even think about it.

Tim...

Tim...

I'm no longer Tim.

I'm Zortheus, the tool avenger!

Aah!

I am Zortheus. Yah-ha!

Oh, no.

(Jill) Mark, honey,
come in here.

I have to wash you up for lunch.

Coming!

(Randy) Mom!

(Jill) Yeah!

Have you seen my sneakers?

Yes, they're in the trash.

You can't throw those away.

Honey, it wasn't my idea.
The sneakers begged me.

They did. They...

(elderly voice)
Please, Mrs. Taylor,

let us go.

We're old, we're tired.

We smell.

Mom, these are my favorites.

Please?

OK. Duct tape them up...

then you can have a month
to say goodbye to them,

and then it's a new pair.

Thanks, Mom. OK.

Mark, honey, I thought
you were helping your dad.

No.

Well, I know that
he really likes it

when you help him.

Maybe later.

I'm gonna go play with my truck.

Oh. OK.

(door closes)

(♪ Steppenwolf,
"Born to Be Wild")

(Tim mouthing words to
tape) ♪ Get your motor runnin'

♪ Head out on the highway

♪ Lookin' for adventure

♪ In whatever comes our way

♪ Yeah, darlin', gonna make... ♪

Hey!

How!

So, what'd you do,
join Hell's Gardeners?

Pretty cool, huh?

All you need is a
tattoo... "Born to Mulch."

Yeah.

(imitates revving)

And, honey, you know what?

You could be my
lawn-mowin' mama.

You know, Tim, the only
reason that you're doing all of this

is 'cause your mother wouldn't
let you have a motorcycle.

She never let me have a dog.

You don't see me out here
rewiring a cocker spaniel, do you?

Where'd that go? What?

My torque wrench was right here.

You weren't out here
this afternoon, were you?

Why? I'm missing
my torque wrench.

I don't even know
what a torque wrench is.

You weren't cracking
any ice today, were you?

Oh, Tim, you don't
crack ice with a wrench.

You crack ice
with a screwdriver.

Cute, Jill.

It's gotta be in here someplace.

I swear I have not
touched any of your tools

since I took the
oath this morning

"always to ask,
always to return."

Well, somebody took
it and didn't return it.

Whoever that somebody is
is gonna be in big, big trouble.

What's in this box?

The wrench is not in there.

That's stuff for
the rummage sale.

There's nothing
but junk in there.

Junk? This is that swivel-base
cookbook holder I built you.

Is it? I thought you
said you lost this.

Well, I guess you found it.

Great.

Look. Look!

This is that hair
dryer I rewired for you.

Honey, I really loved it,

but it melted all
my hairbrushes.

Don't throw it out. Use
it for a space heater.

Tim, Tim, stop it, stop it.

Come on, honey, you're turning
the whole house upside down.

That wrench has gotta
be around here someplace.

You know, it just didn't
get up and walk away, Jill.

OK, you're right.
I'm ready to talk.

I sneak down here at night,

take all your tools,

go out to the backyard,
put 'em in a big pile

and dance around 'em naked.

What time would that be?

Sometime right
after you go to sleep.

Tim, do you want this
on regular cycle or fluff?

All right.

Well... my tool.

It's all busted up.
The gauge is missing.

The dial's all bent.

How'd that get in the dryer?

I'll give you three guesses.

Y... Yeah.

You'll never take me alive!

Yah! Aah!

(Mark) Ow!

Mark, why are you
hiding back there?

I'm not hiding.

Yes, you are.

What'd you do?

You swear you won't
tell Mom and Dad?

Yeah, we swear, don't we, Brad?

Yeah. We swear.

So, what'd you do?

I broke Daddy's torque wrench.

(sighs) Uh-oh.

Whoa. That is bad.

Real bad.

He broke a tool,
just like Peter.

Who's Peter?

He's our little brother we
used to have before you.

No.

He broke Dad's flashlight.

What'd they do with him?

They traded him in for you.

They did not.

Well, nice knowing you.

Maybe this time we'll
get a dog instead.

(Tim) Brad! Randy!
Mark! Where are you?

What am I gonna do? Keep hiding.

They can't trade you
in if they can't find you.

Now, don't get crazy.
Remember, it's just a tool.

Just a tool?

20 years of my
family just a tool?

Were you looking for us?

Yeah, front and center. Park it.

We're missing
somebody. Where's Mark?

We haven't seen him.

Now, boys, your
father has something

that he wants to
talk to you about.

Calmly.

Which one of you lug nuts
broke this torque wrench?

Tim, easy. Easy, easy.

I didn't break it,
you didn't break it.

Who's left? Butch and Sundance.

Why are you always blaming us?

Because we're always
guilty, aren't we?

Some people think we're nice.

Really? Name one.

Billy's mom thinks we're
perfect little gentlemen.

Billy's mom thought she saw
Elvis yesterday at the gas station.

What do you know
about the broken wrench?

We think you should
ask somebody else.

Yeah. Someone short and seven.

Wait. You're saying Mark had
something to do with breaking my tool?

Hey, we don't tattle
on some brothers...

who happen to be hiding in
the backyard like a coward.

Hey, hey, hey, you're quite
the climber there, little neighbor.

Hi, Wilson.

You playing Hide and Seek?

Just Hide.

(grunts)

Anybody in particular
you're hiding from?

My dad.

(Tim) Mark? Mark!

Promise you won't
tell him I'm here?

Scout's honor. Mark,
where are you, son?

Hi, Wilson. Looking for
Mark. Have you seen him?

Well, as the old
saying goes, Tim,

the acorn doesn't
fall far from the tree.

Right, Wilson. I'm
looking for my son.

What I'm trying to say, Tim,

is sometimes, to
get what you want,

you have to go out on a limb.

I don't have time
for this, Wilson.

I'm looking for my boy.

(softly) He didn't want
me to tell you. What?

He's up in the tree. Oh.

Tim, I think he's
pretty unhappy.

(loudly) Well, Wilson, if you haven't
seen him, you haven't seen him.

Thanks. Don't mention
it, good neighbor.

Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark.

Sure gonna miss him.
Probably ran away.

Boy, he's the
best darn assistant

a dad could ever have.

I don't think I can finish
that mower without him.

I don't think I'll be able to
rewire anything ever again.

Boy, could that kid grunt.

No matter where you are,
Mark, this one's for you.

Ar!

Ar!

The tree just grunted at me.

No, it didn't.

Yes, it did. I heard it.

No, Daddy. It's me.

Mark, what are you
doing up in the tree?

I did something bad.

You broke my tool,
didn't you, Mark?

It jumped right out of my hand.

It shouldn't have been in
your hand, though, right?

I was just playing.

We've been through this before.

My tools are not your toys.

I'm sorry I broke your tool.

It was an accident.

(sighs)

Accidents happen. It's
not the end of the world.

But when you break
something of somebody else's,

you gotta tell them.

Please don't trade me
away like you did Peter.

Peter?

The son you traded in for me.

What are you talking about?

The one who
broke your flashlight.

Don't you even remember him?

Where do you get idea...

Let me guess.

Brad! Randy!

(Brad) Book it!

Mark... you want
to listen to this good.

I would never trade
you for anything.

Really?

Really. Come here.

You know that tape measure
that you could never find?

Go ahead. Tell me. You lost it.

No. Brad and Randy broke it.

Good to have you back, son.

Honey, the moment
we've been waiting for

has finally arrived.

Tim, you know, it's October. You
really don't have to cut the grass now.

Honey, I'm not
cutting the grass.

I'm just taking the Taylor 1600cc
lawn chopper out for a test run.

Honey, couldn't we
just call your mother

and ask if it's OK if
you have a motorcycle?

Jill, don't worry.

Got a helmet, seat belt.
What could happen?

(Randy) Come on, Dad.

(Brad) Hurry up.

All right, boys.

Prepare yourself for a new
age in lawn maintenance.

I think we all remember

it used to take Dad hour,
hour 20 to do the lawn.

With this bad
boy... a minute five.

I'll cut this thing so fast,
it'll be afraid to grow.

Honey, did you put
hubcaps on the lawn mower?

Yeah! Why did you do that?

I don't know.

Start the engine, Dad.

Yeah, pop a wheel! Yeah!

Fire it up. Stand back.

I think this monster mowin'
machine is ready to come to life.

All right, boys, inside.

(boys) Aww! Hey!

Brad, come on. Go,
go, go, go. (Randy) Mom!

You can't watch from the pit
area. (Jill) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gentlemen, start your engines.

(engine rumbling)

(engine revving) Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!

(boys) Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!

Lawn ho!

(crash)

I-I'm all right!

Al, now that we have
the fitting in place

between the two sections
of pipe, what's the next step?

Well, Tim, we'll be
sweating the pipe. Will we?

That's right.

So, we'll put a little deodorant
right there on the elbow?

I don't think so, Tim.

But we do need
heat for this project,

and for that we'll use the Binford
Burn Blaster 2000 propane torch.

Want to grab the torch, Al?

Comin' right up, Tim.

Torch, please, Al?

Uh, uh, give me a second, Tim.

Al... we're on the air,
Al. We need that torch.

I'm looking. I'm looking.

This is a critical
part of the show.

Thousands of viewers
waiting to see that thing.

I'm trying, damn
it. I-I'm only human.

Oh, relax. Come on, Al.

Oh, look, it's right over here.

Folks, this is a demonstration.

Don't... Don't try this at home.

I... I hid the torch from Al.

You what?

I-I, you know, I didn't
mean to panic you.

You hid the torch?
To make a point.

And what point
would that be, Tim?

You should always know
where your tools are...

'cause otherwise you
could get pretty irritated,

like you seem to be.

Go ahead. Light the torch, Al.

(♪ polka)