Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
Tim makes the dishwasher more powerful. Jill has a job interview.
(♪ Tool Time theme plays)
(Lisa) Binford Tools
is proud to present
Tim "The Toolman" Taylor!
(audience applause)
Thank you.
Hey, guys, my show's
on. Come on and watch.
No, thanks. We're playing.
Jill, I got a spot all
warmed up on the couch.
Tool Time's ready
to begin. Come on.
Couldn't get the boys to
watch? They were a little busy.
So am I.
Your loss. It's a
great episode. Classic.
I'm showing everybody
how to install a deadbolt lock.
Yeah.
Without putting
our tool belts on,
so let's get that taken care of.
There you go. You heard
that snap. That means it's on.
Tool tip... tool belt
fashion tip from old Tim...
Hike it up so you avoid
that unsightly butt crack,
'cause who wants to see that?
Boy, there's nothing
like the feeling
of rawhide and cold
steel hanging on your hips.
My wife says when
I put this bad boy on,
I turn into a wild, hairy,
disgusting ape. Arr.
You know what? I don't think
women understand the feeling
of rawhide and steel,
vise-gripping monkey pliers,
dado, headcut, flat jig, minor
jig, box, hot goo, ar-ar-ar.
A busy day today.
Al and I are gonna rough-in that
house, finish hanging that garage door,
but first, we're gonna
install a twin-cylinder
deadbolt security
lock in this door.
Morning, Al. Morning, Tim.
Always follow your instructions.
Always makes jobs a bit easier.
We've laid out with the
template included in the kit
where we're putting our holes,
used my awl here to set my drill.
All right, Al, let's
have a drill, please.
Whoo, look at that butt
crack you got goin' there.
I think we oughta start today by
spackling Al's butt crack shut, huh,
with the new Patch 'N'
Paint butt crack filler putty.
(drill runs)
Hey, I smell voltage.
I think it's time to drill.
Right, Tim, and we'll be
using the 1 1/2-inch auger bit.
Come on, Al.
That's a girl drill.
We need a man drill, don't we?
But Tim, this is
the proper tool.
Yeah, I bet it is, Al.
Men, when we want a job done
right and we want it done quick,
what do we need?
(all) More power!
Darn right, more
power. Thank you, Lisa.
Now, there's raw power!
This is the Binford series
heavy-duty, variable-speed drill.
Double-reduction spur
gearing, 1,400 rpm, 6.8 amp.
Ar-ar-ar.
But you won't even be halfway
through your aug before you hear this...
(imitates a woman's
voice) "Honey, shut
that thing off. It's
making too much noise."
Uhh?
Always ignore that first plea.
Just makes her
yell a little louder.
Here she comes down the hall...
boom-boom-boom-boom-boom...
"Shut that thing off. Do you have
mud in your ears, you big baboon?"
You know what the problem is?
Who's that supposed to be? Hey!
Is that supposed to be me?
(turns off TV)
No, that's not you.
Oh, what a relief.
Then who is it?
It's every wife.
Oh, yeah. But, you know,
I happen to be a wife.
Every wife but you.
Ha-ha. Stop it. You'll make
me go to the bathroom.
Let me up, let me up.
(dryer timer goes off)
No, you started this.
You're staying right there.
Ow! No. Ha-ha-ha.
No, really. I have a blouse in
the dryer. I have to get that out.
Let me go. Oh, boy.
(Mark) Help!
Would you go see who's
killing who out there?!
I can only imagine. Randy, what
are you doing to your younger brother?
I'm just hanging him
from the jungle gym.
(Mark) Help!
Don't do that.
He likes it.
Randy, you let go of that rope,
or I'm gonna hot-glue
your little head
to the garage door.
No running in the house. Brad!
Cover the ball with both hands
so you don't fumble. Go on.
Tim...
And do as your mother
says... don't run in the house.
I'll be back. Where
are you going?
Sears' Summer Spectacular Sale.
You can't go. I've
got this job interview.
What job interview?
I have been telling
you this all week.
It's the personnel manager
at Kingman-Hartwell.
You never told me
about a job interview.
Tim, do you ever listen to me?
It was the last thing I said
in bed to you last night.
No. I believe, if you recall,
the last thing you said to
me in bed last night was, "No!"
You're thinking of tonight.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, you split my
sides, you really do.
Is that my liver? Look in there.
No, you stop that. I gotta be there in
an hour, and you stay with these kids.
Fine. I'll be back
in 20 minutes.
20 minutes. Who are you kidding?
You'll be down there
drooling, fondling all the tools,
your eyes buggin' out.
You don't even
look at me like that.
I would if you were two
speeds and reversible.
Tim...
You won't even know I'm gone.
Tim, walk out that door,
and this goes in
the trash compactor.
Whoa! That's my Binford power
tape with positive toggle lock.
Kiss it goodbye.
Don't turn that on.
Are you staying?
Yes. God, you're mean to me.
Aw, there's food
boogers all over it.
Since you're staying, would
you load the dishwasher?
Why not, now that
you've broken my spirit.
Tim, this job is
important to me.
Aren't you excited about
me going back to work?
(unenthused) Yeah, sure.
(imitating) Yeah, sure.
Could you maybe work
up a little enthusiasm?
I'm sorry, honey.
(over the top) Gosh, I'm excited
that you won't be laying around the
house, mooching off the boys and me.
Oh! Do the other side.
Oh, I'm your love slave.
Is it OK if I go over
to Tommy's? What?
Is it OK if I go
over to Tommy's?
Yeah, sure. Honey, honey...
Don't put that in the dishwasher.
You have to rinse it off first.
I gotta wash the dish before
I put it in the dishwasher.
Yeah. That spray's not
strong enough for egg yoke.
It would be if we had
a man's dishwasher.
But, no, you insisted on...
(feminine voice) ...a Lady
Soft Touch Decor series.
Little tiny buttons
that no man can...
I am so sorry. The grunting,
hairy ape model was sold out. Arr.
Arr. Just rinse the dish.
You know, honey, I could fix
the spray on this dishwasher.
No, Tim, it's not broken.
I know. It just
needs more power.
Every time you fix something,
the fire department shows up.
But this would be
different because...
No, no! I am not gonna let you
ruin a perfectly good dishwasher
just so you can get
your tools out and play.
Six horse... No.
One... No.
Play? I host my own
home improvement show.
Don't touch the dishwasher.
(mocks) Don't touch
the dishwasher.
I'll show her. I'll strap that old
427 sidearm V-8 on that son-of-a-B.
Dual quads, Hedman
Hedders, Isky cam, 700 horse
blowing everything
off every dish in there,
including that little
sissy flower patterns.
I heard that. Hey!
This is my house,
that is my dishwasher,
and I will rewire
it if I want to.
No, you will not rewire it and
screw it up like you did the blender.
End of discussion.
What is your problem
with the blender?
It's the only blender on the
block that can puree a brick.
Tim, I'm going to that interview.
I'll see you in a couple hours.
Good luck, honey, and remember
what Knute Rockne said...
"Hit 'em low and hit 'em hard."
I'll do that.
Oh, oh, and remember, honey,
don't touch the dishwasher.
Honey, I'm not one of the kids.
You only have to tell me once.
Yeah.
Hey, Wilson... Hi, Tim.
I'm gonna rewire that dishwasher. Do
you still have that compressor for sale?
No, no, no. Traded that for a
set of snow tires and an accordion.
Shoot. Dishwasher broken, huh?
No. I'm just gonna show my wife
who's man of this house. Mm-mm-mm.
I told her I was gonna rewire that
dishwasher, she jumps all over me.
Sometimes I don't
know about her.
This isn't about her. It's not.
No, no, no. This is about you.
The reason you're having
problems with your wife
is because you don't
know who you are as a man.
I don't have a problem
in that area, Wilson.
Not what I mean, Tim.
A lot of men feel
lost, confused.
You see, the Industrial Revolution
took the adult male out of the home.
Boys were left without an older
man to teach them how to be men.
We need to get back to
something more primitive, atavistic.
(grunts)
Atavistic. How
do you spell that?
Let's just say primitive.
All right.
Men need to spend more time
around the campfire with their elders,
like in ancient days,
seeking wisdom,
telling stories, sharing.
Would these men
all have to be naked?
No, no.
No, that's optional.
You see, Tim, it's time for
men to reclaim the male spirit.
(grunts) Yeah.
And I'm gonna start by
reclaiming that dishwasher.
Mark, get your brothers.
We're off to Sears.
(imitates horn blowing)
All right, we gotta get this done
before your mom gets home.
Take a look at this bad boy.
That's a Finley two-stage,
five-horse Blastmaster compressor.
All tubing inside
in stainless steel...
Dad, why are we doing this?
Randy, it's a house full of men.
We're reclaiming the male spirit.
Huh?
By working on a dishwasher?
It's either that or sit around a
campfire telling stories naked.
Hey, hey, hey!
Where you guys going?
I'm kidding around.
It's just you and me, Mark, unless
you got something else to do.
Nope. I wanna
be with you. Great.
What-What are you going?
Getting naked.
You don't have to
get all the way naked.
All right, let's say bare-chested
men's work. Come over here.
All right, sit down there.
All right, first off, let's
see them muscles.
(grunts) Hey.
Hey.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Ar-ar-ar.
Ar-ar-ar.
Arrr.
Arrr.
I think you're ready
for your new Hank
the Handyman tool belt.
(grunts) All right,
let's take a look at it.
(whistles) Little
baby butt crack.
All right, the number one
rule in home repair is safety.
If we're gonna rewire a major appliance, we
gotta cut the electricity off, all right?
Come on out here.
There. That... is the fuse box.
The electrical nerve
center of our house.
Wow.
You're darn right, wow.
But now, we don't have
to cut off all the electricity.
Just the section of the
house we're working on.
That'd be the kitchen
up there... kitchen.
Heh-heh. I shouldn't have
labeled those in pencil, should I?
They're all faded
and everything. Look.
Well, kitchen's "K."
Yeah, that's kitchen.
There we go. All right,
Hank the Handyman,
come on, let's go.
We got to take off
that access panel.
All right. Oh, ho.
Look at all the wires in there.
Do you know what
all those wires do?
Yeah, of course. I wouldn't
have taken it off if I didn't.
Ground. We're looking "ground."
Now, red is al...
red... yellow, see...
The sun is yellow.
It heats the ground.
That's how they name stuff.
Is that car running?
Aah!
Hoo, shake it off.
Oh. Whew.
Are you all right, Dad?
Yeah.
I did that to teach you
an important lesson.
What's that, Dad?
Well, when you
work with electricity,
it's a good idea
to shut it all off.
Now follow me upstairs,
and I'll show you how to
treat a severe electrical burn.
Grruh!
(phone rings)
Hello. No, Jill's not here.
I'll take a message. Sure.
Really.
Yeah, I'll tell her.
Mom didn't get the job.
She didn't?
No. Listen, she's gonna
really need us now.
When she gets home,
she's gonna feel real sad.
So why don't you go
upstairs and wash up?
'Cause she just loves
it when you're all clean.
Dad, Dad.
Yeah, Randy.
Look at this neat turtle shell.
I found it down at the creek.
You didn't yank the
turtle out of there, did you?
No.
If I go down to that creek and find some
confused turtle swimming without a shell...
Dad, I'm gonna go
make it into a drum.
Wilson, that's the best
part about being a boy...
it's collecting all
that useless junk.
I wouldn't call it useless, Tim.
The ancient Malaysians used
a turtle shell as an aphrodisiac.
Turtle shell?
Wouldn't that
hurt putting it on?
Tim!
Uh, I'm out here, honey.
Tim! Keep the
boys off the phone.
I think I'm gonna
hear about that job.
Honey, actually...
I'm so excited. Gosh, you wouldn't believe
it. It was the best interview, ever.
Really? Today?
Oh, yeah, I nailed it.
There is no way on earth
that I am not gonna get this job.
The earth is such a big place.
No, really, really.
You should've seen
me. I was so impressive.
I looked this vice president
right in the eye, and I said...
Is that grease on your hand?
No. That's an electrical burn.
Did you touch the dishwasher?
Did I touch the dishwasher?
You're a dead
man. Jill, hold on.
What did you do?
Show me what you did.
Boy, are you cute
when you're panicky
and that big vein in your
forehead just sticks right out.
(gasps) What the hell is that?
That is the power source
to your new dishwasher.
Take it out. No, no, no.
No, take it out now.
You don't like the fact that
I improved the dishwasher.
Remember that yoke that wouldn't come
off the plate this morning? Watch this.
(dishwasher starts up)
Hear that hum? Ooh,
boy, that's a Finley,
two-stage, five-horse
Blastmaster compressor.
Air delivery system's 18
cubic feet per square minute.
That should say
testosterone right on there,
'cause that...
that is a man's dishwasher.
Hey, Mark, you didn't tighten
that hex bolt like I asked you to.
Stay away from there. Get back.
I don't want you to get hurt.
There's broken stuff there.
I'm gonna call Tommy.
No, don't use the phone! I'm
waiting for a call about my job.
Daddy already got that call.
Sorry, you didn't
get the job, Mom.
Mark...
I didn't get the job?
Hmm... I wanted to wait
for the right time to tell you,
and the dishwasher exploded.
That wasn't it.
I am really, really
sorry. You all right?
I'll get the broom.
Don't... you don't touch
this. I will clean all this up.
I'll get... Hey... look on
the bright side, honey.
It wasn't a full load.
I asked you not to touch the
dishwasher, but you didn't listen, did you?
It's fine. I am not
gonna get angry.
I mean, it makes more work for
me, but I don't mind. I like to work.
It's just too bad
nobody'll hire me.
You don't have to feel bad...
Don't tell me how to feel.
I'm just sayin, if it were
me... It's not you, Tim, it's me.
What I mean is you
don't have to work.
You don't really want
me to work, do you?
No, no. I make enough
money for both of us.
No, this is not about money.
This is about me having
a life outside of this house.
My autonomy.
Your autonomy. Yeah.
How do you spell
that? Don't start.
Sweetheart, what you gotta do...
Oh, this is great.
Now I gotta take
advice from a guy
who prances around a TV
studio grunting like a baboon
while Miss Binford tool girl
flashes her big headlights.
Lisa? No, Al.
What does Lisa
have to do with this?
She didn't take your
job. She's got a job.
What?
What a mess.
Hiya, Tim.
Hi, Wilson.
Mmm, boy, does that
smell good. Babyback ribs?
No, no, no. Squirrel.
I tell ya, Tim, this is
what it's all about...
catch of the day
cooking, sun setting,
men standing around the
campfire and telling stories.
You mind if I tell
you a story, Wilson?
Campfire's lit, good neighbor.
Jill doesn't get
the job she wants,
I tell her not to feel
bad, she gets angry.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
So then I tell her
what she should do,
she jumps all over me
and then walks away.
Sounds like you were having
an asymmetrical conversation.
Asymmetrical? How
do you spell that?
Let's just say one-sided.
You see, Tim, by nature,
men are problem-solvers,
but Jill didn't want you
to solve her problem.
She didn't? Oh, no, no.
She just wanted you to listen
while she shared her feelings.
Just stand there and listen.
Wouldn't that be like
not doing anything?
Sometimes the best thing
you can do, Tim, is nothing.
Oh...
Jill got mad at me
because I didn't listen to her.
No, she got mad at you 'cause
you blew up the damn dishwasher.
Uhh?
People often ask me,
they say, "Tim, why is
your show so darn popular?"
I'll tell you what I think.
I think that working with your hands
puts you in touch with something primitive,
almost atavistic.
It's almost like reclaiming
the male spirit, if you will.
I think you know where
I'm headed with this one.
I'm talking about masculinism.
A flat-out, big-pectoral,
look-at-my-deltoids,
hairy-chested celebration
of men. Ar-ar-ar.
But this wouldn't
be anti-female.
No, it's all wrong
to think that.
Just like this sander...
vibrates in harmony
with the grain of the wood,
we men should
learn how to vibrate...
in harmony with our wives.
So if you...
if you... if you
have an occasion
to have a disagreement
with your wife,
you should be man enough
to not be asymmetrical.
'Cause that would be one-sided.
Which you should be man enough
to look at her and say, "I'm sorry, Jill."
Or Betty or Ruth or
whatever her name would be.
Anyway, let's finish
sanding that table.
(sander runs)
What you said on the show
today is really sweet, Tim.
I don't know whether
you noticed, but...
your name was Jill,
and I used the name Jill.
Maybe you caught the
hidden double meaning.
It was subtle, dear,
but I did grasp it.
Am I forgiven?
Yeah, forgiven.
That's it for me,
Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.
I'll finish up today with
today's household tip.
Very important one,
as all of my tips are.
Remember, folks, always,
and I do mean always,
label that fuse box in ink. Arr!
See ya. Ar-ar-ar.
You know, Jill, I still think
you're making a big mistake
not letting me install
that dishwasher.
I have other plans for you.
You do?
Yeah. When was the last time
that we spent any serious time
together in the backseat of a car?
When Brad threw up that pizza.
Ha-ha. No, no, really.
You apologized to me. I
think I should apologize to you.
Really? Yeah, and I
really wanna do it right.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
Backseat?
Garage?
Just like our honeymoon?
Here. Let me get that.
And that.
This hand-saver Lady Soft Touch
is one of our most
popular models.
Hey, let me in!
Hey, lady, there's a crazy
man in your backyard.
Is that the guy with
the tool show on TV?
Hey, let me in!
Stop pointing at
me. Her! Get her!
What's he doing now?
I think he's trying to
reclaim his male spirit.
(Lisa) Binford Tools
is proud to present
Tim "The Toolman" Taylor!
(audience applause)
Thank you.
Hey, guys, my show's
on. Come on and watch.
No, thanks. We're playing.
Jill, I got a spot all
warmed up on the couch.
Tool Time's ready
to begin. Come on.
Couldn't get the boys to
watch? They were a little busy.
So am I.
Your loss. It's a
great episode. Classic.
I'm showing everybody
how to install a deadbolt lock.
Yeah.
Without putting
our tool belts on,
so let's get that taken care of.
There you go. You heard
that snap. That means it's on.
Tool tip... tool belt
fashion tip from old Tim...
Hike it up so you avoid
that unsightly butt crack,
'cause who wants to see that?
Boy, there's nothing
like the feeling
of rawhide and cold
steel hanging on your hips.
My wife says when
I put this bad boy on,
I turn into a wild, hairy,
disgusting ape. Arr.
You know what? I don't think
women understand the feeling
of rawhide and steel,
vise-gripping monkey pliers,
dado, headcut, flat jig, minor
jig, box, hot goo, ar-ar-ar.
A busy day today.
Al and I are gonna rough-in that
house, finish hanging that garage door,
but first, we're gonna
install a twin-cylinder
deadbolt security
lock in this door.
Morning, Al. Morning, Tim.
Always follow your instructions.
Always makes jobs a bit easier.
We've laid out with the
template included in the kit
where we're putting our holes,
used my awl here to set my drill.
All right, Al, let's
have a drill, please.
Whoo, look at that butt
crack you got goin' there.
I think we oughta start today by
spackling Al's butt crack shut, huh,
with the new Patch 'N'
Paint butt crack filler putty.
(drill runs)
Hey, I smell voltage.
I think it's time to drill.
Right, Tim, and we'll be
using the 1 1/2-inch auger bit.
Come on, Al.
That's a girl drill.
We need a man drill, don't we?
But Tim, this is
the proper tool.
Yeah, I bet it is, Al.
Men, when we want a job done
right and we want it done quick,
what do we need?
(all) More power!
Darn right, more
power. Thank you, Lisa.
Now, there's raw power!
This is the Binford series
heavy-duty, variable-speed drill.
Double-reduction spur
gearing, 1,400 rpm, 6.8 amp.
Ar-ar-ar.
But you won't even be halfway
through your aug before you hear this...
(imitates a woman's
voice) "Honey, shut
that thing off. It's
making too much noise."
Uhh?
Always ignore that first plea.
Just makes her
yell a little louder.
Here she comes down the hall...
boom-boom-boom-boom-boom...
"Shut that thing off. Do you have
mud in your ears, you big baboon?"
You know what the problem is?
Who's that supposed to be? Hey!
Is that supposed to be me?
(turns off TV)
No, that's not you.
Oh, what a relief.
Then who is it?
It's every wife.
Oh, yeah. But, you know,
I happen to be a wife.
Every wife but you.
Ha-ha. Stop it. You'll make
me go to the bathroom.
Let me up, let me up.
(dryer timer goes off)
No, you started this.
You're staying right there.
Ow! No. Ha-ha-ha.
No, really. I have a blouse in
the dryer. I have to get that out.
Let me go. Oh, boy.
(Mark) Help!
Would you go see who's
killing who out there?!
I can only imagine. Randy, what
are you doing to your younger brother?
I'm just hanging him
from the jungle gym.
(Mark) Help!
Don't do that.
He likes it.
Randy, you let go of that rope,
or I'm gonna hot-glue
your little head
to the garage door.
No running in the house. Brad!
Cover the ball with both hands
so you don't fumble. Go on.
Tim...
And do as your mother
says... don't run in the house.
I'll be back. Where
are you going?
Sears' Summer Spectacular Sale.
You can't go. I've
got this job interview.
What job interview?
I have been telling
you this all week.
It's the personnel manager
at Kingman-Hartwell.
You never told me
about a job interview.
Tim, do you ever listen to me?
It was the last thing I said
in bed to you last night.
No. I believe, if you recall,
the last thing you said to
me in bed last night was, "No!"
You're thinking of tonight.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, you split my
sides, you really do.
Is that my liver? Look in there.
No, you stop that. I gotta be there in
an hour, and you stay with these kids.
Fine. I'll be back
in 20 minutes.
20 minutes. Who are you kidding?
You'll be down there
drooling, fondling all the tools,
your eyes buggin' out.
You don't even
look at me like that.
I would if you were two
speeds and reversible.
Tim...
You won't even know I'm gone.
Tim, walk out that door,
and this goes in
the trash compactor.
Whoa! That's my Binford power
tape with positive toggle lock.
Kiss it goodbye.
Don't turn that on.
Are you staying?
Yes. God, you're mean to me.
Aw, there's food
boogers all over it.
Since you're staying, would
you load the dishwasher?
Why not, now that
you've broken my spirit.
Tim, this job is
important to me.
Aren't you excited about
me going back to work?
(unenthused) Yeah, sure.
(imitating) Yeah, sure.
Could you maybe work
up a little enthusiasm?
I'm sorry, honey.
(over the top) Gosh, I'm excited
that you won't be laying around the
house, mooching off the boys and me.
Oh! Do the other side.
Oh, I'm your love slave.
Is it OK if I go over
to Tommy's? What?
Is it OK if I go
over to Tommy's?
Yeah, sure. Honey, honey...
Don't put that in the dishwasher.
You have to rinse it off first.
I gotta wash the dish before
I put it in the dishwasher.
Yeah. That spray's not
strong enough for egg yoke.
It would be if we had
a man's dishwasher.
But, no, you insisted on...
(feminine voice) ...a Lady
Soft Touch Decor series.
Little tiny buttons
that no man can...
I am so sorry. The grunting,
hairy ape model was sold out. Arr.
Arr. Just rinse the dish.
You know, honey, I could fix
the spray on this dishwasher.
No, Tim, it's not broken.
I know. It just
needs more power.
Every time you fix something,
the fire department shows up.
But this would be
different because...
No, no! I am not gonna let you
ruin a perfectly good dishwasher
just so you can get
your tools out and play.
Six horse... No.
One... No.
Play? I host my own
home improvement show.
Don't touch the dishwasher.
(mocks) Don't touch
the dishwasher.
I'll show her. I'll strap that old
427 sidearm V-8 on that son-of-a-B.
Dual quads, Hedman
Hedders, Isky cam, 700 horse
blowing everything
off every dish in there,
including that little
sissy flower patterns.
I heard that. Hey!
This is my house,
that is my dishwasher,
and I will rewire
it if I want to.
No, you will not rewire it and
screw it up like you did the blender.
End of discussion.
What is your problem
with the blender?
It's the only blender on the
block that can puree a brick.
Tim, I'm going to that interview.
I'll see you in a couple hours.
Good luck, honey, and remember
what Knute Rockne said...
"Hit 'em low and hit 'em hard."
I'll do that.
Oh, oh, and remember, honey,
don't touch the dishwasher.
Honey, I'm not one of the kids.
You only have to tell me once.
Yeah.
Hey, Wilson... Hi, Tim.
I'm gonna rewire that dishwasher. Do
you still have that compressor for sale?
No, no, no. Traded that for a
set of snow tires and an accordion.
Shoot. Dishwasher broken, huh?
No. I'm just gonna show my wife
who's man of this house. Mm-mm-mm.
I told her I was gonna rewire that
dishwasher, she jumps all over me.
Sometimes I don't
know about her.
This isn't about her. It's not.
No, no, no. This is about you.
The reason you're having
problems with your wife
is because you don't
know who you are as a man.
I don't have a problem
in that area, Wilson.
Not what I mean, Tim.
A lot of men feel
lost, confused.
You see, the Industrial Revolution
took the adult male out of the home.
Boys were left without an older
man to teach them how to be men.
We need to get back to
something more primitive, atavistic.
(grunts)
Atavistic. How
do you spell that?
Let's just say primitive.
All right.
Men need to spend more time
around the campfire with their elders,
like in ancient days,
seeking wisdom,
telling stories, sharing.
Would these men
all have to be naked?
No, no.
No, that's optional.
You see, Tim, it's time for
men to reclaim the male spirit.
(grunts) Yeah.
And I'm gonna start by
reclaiming that dishwasher.
Mark, get your brothers.
We're off to Sears.
(imitates horn blowing)
All right, we gotta get this done
before your mom gets home.
Take a look at this bad boy.
That's a Finley two-stage,
five-horse Blastmaster compressor.
All tubing inside
in stainless steel...
Dad, why are we doing this?
Randy, it's a house full of men.
We're reclaiming the male spirit.
Huh?
By working on a dishwasher?
It's either that or sit around a
campfire telling stories naked.
Hey, hey, hey!
Where you guys going?
I'm kidding around.
It's just you and me, Mark, unless
you got something else to do.
Nope. I wanna
be with you. Great.
What-What are you going?
Getting naked.
You don't have to
get all the way naked.
All right, let's say bare-chested
men's work. Come over here.
All right, sit down there.
All right, first off, let's
see them muscles.
(grunts) Hey.
Hey.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Ar-ar-ar.
Ar-ar-ar.
Arrr.
Arrr.
I think you're ready
for your new Hank
the Handyman tool belt.
(grunts) All right,
let's take a look at it.
(whistles) Little
baby butt crack.
All right, the number one
rule in home repair is safety.
If we're gonna rewire a major appliance, we
gotta cut the electricity off, all right?
Come on out here.
There. That... is the fuse box.
The electrical nerve
center of our house.
Wow.
You're darn right, wow.
But now, we don't have
to cut off all the electricity.
Just the section of the
house we're working on.
That'd be the kitchen
up there... kitchen.
Heh-heh. I shouldn't have
labeled those in pencil, should I?
They're all faded
and everything. Look.
Well, kitchen's "K."
Yeah, that's kitchen.
There we go. All right,
Hank the Handyman,
come on, let's go.
We got to take off
that access panel.
All right. Oh, ho.
Look at all the wires in there.
Do you know what
all those wires do?
Yeah, of course. I wouldn't
have taken it off if I didn't.
Ground. We're looking "ground."
Now, red is al...
red... yellow, see...
The sun is yellow.
It heats the ground.
That's how they name stuff.
Is that car running?
Aah!
Hoo, shake it off.
Oh. Whew.
Are you all right, Dad?
Yeah.
I did that to teach you
an important lesson.
What's that, Dad?
Well, when you
work with electricity,
it's a good idea
to shut it all off.
Now follow me upstairs,
and I'll show you how to
treat a severe electrical burn.
Grruh!
(phone rings)
Hello. No, Jill's not here.
I'll take a message. Sure.
Really.
Yeah, I'll tell her.
Mom didn't get the job.
She didn't?
No. Listen, she's gonna
really need us now.
When she gets home,
she's gonna feel real sad.
So why don't you go
upstairs and wash up?
'Cause she just loves
it when you're all clean.
Dad, Dad.
Yeah, Randy.
Look at this neat turtle shell.
I found it down at the creek.
You didn't yank the
turtle out of there, did you?
No.
If I go down to that creek and find some
confused turtle swimming without a shell...
Dad, I'm gonna go
make it into a drum.
Wilson, that's the best
part about being a boy...
it's collecting all
that useless junk.
I wouldn't call it useless, Tim.
The ancient Malaysians used
a turtle shell as an aphrodisiac.
Turtle shell?
Wouldn't that
hurt putting it on?
Tim!
Uh, I'm out here, honey.
Tim! Keep the
boys off the phone.
I think I'm gonna
hear about that job.
Honey, actually...
I'm so excited. Gosh, you wouldn't believe
it. It was the best interview, ever.
Really? Today?
Oh, yeah, I nailed it.
There is no way on earth
that I am not gonna get this job.
The earth is such a big place.
No, really, really.
You should've seen
me. I was so impressive.
I looked this vice president
right in the eye, and I said...
Is that grease on your hand?
No. That's an electrical burn.
Did you touch the dishwasher?
Did I touch the dishwasher?
You're a dead
man. Jill, hold on.
What did you do?
Show me what you did.
Boy, are you cute
when you're panicky
and that big vein in your
forehead just sticks right out.
(gasps) What the hell is that?
That is the power source
to your new dishwasher.
Take it out. No, no, no.
No, take it out now.
You don't like the fact that
I improved the dishwasher.
Remember that yoke that wouldn't come
off the plate this morning? Watch this.
(dishwasher starts up)
Hear that hum? Ooh,
boy, that's a Finley,
two-stage, five-horse
Blastmaster compressor.
Air delivery system's 18
cubic feet per square minute.
That should say
testosterone right on there,
'cause that...
that is a man's dishwasher.
Hey, Mark, you didn't tighten
that hex bolt like I asked you to.
Stay away from there. Get back.
I don't want you to get hurt.
There's broken stuff there.
I'm gonna call Tommy.
No, don't use the phone! I'm
waiting for a call about my job.
Daddy already got that call.
Sorry, you didn't
get the job, Mom.
Mark...
I didn't get the job?
Hmm... I wanted to wait
for the right time to tell you,
and the dishwasher exploded.
That wasn't it.
I am really, really
sorry. You all right?
I'll get the broom.
Don't... you don't touch
this. I will clean all this up.
I'll get... Hey... look on
the bright side, honey.
It wasn't a full load.
I asked you not to touch the
dishwasher, but you didn't listen, did you?
It's fine. I am not
gonna get angry.
I mean, it makes more work for
me, but I don't mind. I like to work.
It's just too bad
nobody'll hire me.
You don't have to feel bad...
Don't tell me how to feel.
I'm just sayin, if it were
me... It's not you, Tim, it's me.
What I mean is you
don't have to work.
You don't really want
me to work, do you?
No, no. I make enough
money for both of us.
No, this is not about money.
This is about me having
a life outside of this house.
My autonomy.
Your autonomy. Yeah.
How do you spell
that? Don't start.
Sweetheart, what you gotta do...
Oh, this is great.
Now I gotta take
advice from a guy
who prances around a TV
studio grunting like a baboon
while Miss Binford tool girl
flashes her big headlights.
Lisa? No, Al.
What does Lisa
have to do with this?
She didn't take your
job. She's got a job.
What?
What a mess.
Hiya, Tim.
Hi, Wilson.
Mmm, boy, does that
smell good. Babyback ribs?
No, no, no. Squirrel.
I tell ya, Tim, this is
what it's all about...
catch of the day
cooking, sun setting,
men standing around the
campfire and telling stories.
You mind if I tell
you a story, Wilson?
Campfire's lit, good neighbor.
Jill doesn't get
the job she wants,
I tell her not to feel
bad, she gets angry.
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.
So then I tell her
what she should do,
she jumps all over me
and then walks away.
Sounds like you were having
an asymmetrical conversation.
Asymmetrical? How
do you spell that?
Let's just say one-sided.
You see, Tim, by nature,
men are problem-solvers,
but Jill didn't want you
to solve her problem.
She didn't? Oh, no, no.
She just wanted you to listen
while she shared her feelings.
Just stand there and listen.
Wouldn't that be like
not doing anything?
Sometimes the best thing
you can do, Tim, is nothing.
Oh...
Jill got mad at me
because I didn't listen to her.
No, she got mad at you 'cause
you blew up the damn dishwasher.
Uhh?
People often ask me,
they say, "Tim, why is
your show so darn popular?"
I'll tell you what I think.
I think that working with your hands
puts you in touch with something primitive,
almost atavistic.
It's almost like reclaiming
the male spirit, if you will.
I think you know where
I'm headed with this one.
I'm talking about masculinism.
A flat-out, big-pectoral,
look-at-my-deltoids,
hairy-chested celebration
of men. Ar-ar-ar.
But this wouldn't
be anti-female.
No, it's all wrong
to think that.
Just like this sander...
vibrates in harmony
with the grain of the wood,
we men should
learn how to vibrate...
in harmony with our wives.
So if you...
if you... if you
have an occasion
to have a disagreement
with your wife,
you should be man enough
to not be asymmetrical.
'Cause that would be one-sided.
Which you should be man enough
to look at her and say, "I'm sorry, Jill."
Or Betty or Ruth or
whatever her name would be.
Anyway, let's finish
sanding that table.
(sander runs)
What you said on the show
today is really sweet, Tim.
I don't know whether
you noticed, but...
your name was Jill,
and I used the name Jill.
Maybe you caught the
hidden double meaning.
It was subtle, dear,
but I did grasp it.
Am I forgiven?
Yeah, forgiven.
That's it for me,
Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.
I'll finish up today with
today's household tip.
Very important one,
as all of my tips are.
Remember, folks, always,
and I do mean always,
label that fuse box in ink. Arr!
See ya. Ar-ar-ar.
You know, Jill, I still think
you're making a big mistake
not letting me install
that dishwasher.
I have other plans for you.
You do?
Yeah. When was the last time
that we spent any serious time
together in the backseat of a car?
When Brad threw up that pizza.
Ha-ha. No, no, really.
You apologized to me. I
think I should apologize to you.
Really? Yeah, and I
really wanna do it right.
Yeah? Uh-huh.
Backseat?
Garage?
Just like our honeymoon?
Here. Let me get that.
And that.
This hand-saver Lady Soft Touch
is one of our most
popular models.
Hey, let me in!
Hey, lady, there's a crazy
man in your backyard.
Is that the guy with
the tool show on TV?
Hey, let me in!
Stop pointing at
me. Her! Get her!
What's he doing now?
I think he's trying to
reclaim his male spirit.