Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 5 - Wild Kingdom - full transcript
Mark is bringing his Cub Scout pals for a visit. Tim has to re-light the pilot light of the furnace and he decides to show Randy and Brad how to do it. While in the basement, they discover something moving down there.
Welcome to Tool Time,
the show that actually teaches
you how to improve your home.
Morning, Al. Morning, Tim.
Honey, I'm freezing
cold. Feel my hands.
Hi, hey! Ooh, I'll warm 'em.
Here, slip 'em in the
Taylor Toast-o-matic Oven.
Those babies are colder
than a witch's... Tim.
Watching this again?
Honey, this is destined
to become a classic.
Is this the third time
you've watched it?
It's got everything...
action, drama, latex paint,
and, God, I look good
in that vest, don't I?
Ha-ha-ha. No, really,
honey, I'm so cold.
Would you go down
and check the furnace,
'cause I think that the
pilot light must be out.
You're saying lighting
a pilot's a man's job?
No, I'm saying it's your job.
Heh. Look, you're afraid to go down in
that deep, dark basement, aren't you?
No, I'm not afraid.
I just don't like it, you know,
when the furnace goes, "Whoosh!"
All right, I'll light the
pilot light if I get a big kiss.
Do I have to?
You have to.
OK, but only if
I really have to.
Oh, gross.
It's not even dark yet.
Ignore 'em, maybe
they'll go away.
Ha-ha-ha. No,
honey. You really...
you have to do the furnace now,
because Mark's whole
scout troop is coming over,
and I don't want a house
of little frozen Cub-sicles.
Right away.
Dad, Dad, check this out.
I can tell your future
with these cards.
A kid at school showed me how.
I got the three of diamonds.
That means I'm gonna be rich.
OK, fourth card from
the top's your card.
Deal it, buddy.
1, 2, 3...
Hah! Ace of spade-os.
Read it and weep. What?
It's a death card, Dad.
Yeah, right. Let me deal those
and cut 'em like a man. Arr!
Arr! Arr!
OK.
I can see it now, cars,
cash, big homes, boats.
Death.
Double death.
Yeah? How long
do you think I have?
Long enough to
light the furnace.
She's right. We got work to
do. Down in the basement.
'Cause one day, boys,
you will have a cold
woman of your own.
You have to learn
how to light her furnace.
Come on, come on.
Follow me. Come on, guys.
OK, guys, come on
down to the basement,
the climate control
central of our house.
Now watch what you're doin'. Ow!
Ohh!
Ohh! Ohh!
Want you guys to
meet a friend of mine...
the Binford Volcanomaster 5,000.
A quantum leap ahead
of the 4,000 model,
which it replaced
earlier this year.
This is 150,000 BTUs.
What's a BTU?
Technical term.
Yeah, but what's it stand for?
"U" is because of it's a unit.
"B" is because it's a
big, beautiful Binford.
That's "B." "T" is heat.
Big heat unit.
That's what this is.
Dad, heat starts with "H."
Gimme that flashlight, will ya?
Dad, heat starts with "H."
Heat ends with "T." Heat. Heat.
Heat.
Now, working on a furnace
is a delicate operation,
almost like working
on a time bomb.
Wow, that's how he's gonna
die. He's gonna blow himself up.
That's not how I'm gonna die
because your dad is gonna
practice furnace safety tips.
OK, the access panel here says,
"Press button, hold
15 seconds, and..."
Open your mouth or the
shockwaves from the blast
will make your head explode.
13, 14, 15.
No explosion. No death.
Why? Why? Because your
dad laughs in the face of fear.
Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha.
Excuse me, fellas. Jill, set it back to
"auto," and the heat is now working.
Ow.
God...
(rustling)
What was that?
Shh!
(whispers) Be very quiet.
(whispers) What is it?
I think it's over there
behind the boxes.
Boy, I hope it's not
that. It couldn't be.
What?
What?
Yesterday at the zoo, I
read a panther escaped.
Yeah, right, Dad.
I'm not kidding.
(rustling)
Don't make any sudden moves.
Just head toward the stairs.
It could be anywhere.
It could be...
Aah!
(both) Aah!
Ha-ha. It's just a mouse
or something probably.
What if it's not a mouse?
It could be a snake.
Hey, there's nothing
funny about snakes.
Don't joke about that.
There's nothing funny
about slimy reptiles. Nothing!
Hey, maybe it's a
big, huge python.
Enough! Enough!
It's a mouse, a mouse.
And, of course, it
could be a huge one
that likes to eat
little kids like you.
(all yell)
Hey, hey, do I have
to put in speed bumps?
Mom?
Yeah?
What are we gonna make?
I am going to have
the whole scout troop
make their own paper-bag masks.
Is that all? Billy's mom
helped us make a real teepee.
She did?
Yeah, and she made us
beef jerky from raw meat.
Billy's mom is a Stepford wife.
You're getting pizza
and paper-bag masks.
Well, I guess I better
put on my uniform.
Honey, mission accomplished.
Furnace is lit, operational.
That, however, is the good news.
The good news?
What's the bad news?
Well, I can't tell you.
You'll probably go crazy.
Oh, please, I never go crazy.
I found something soft and
furry that rhymes with "house."
Oh, God.
There's a famous
one named Mickey.
It's a mouse.
God, a mouse with
beady little eyes
and toe-jammy little nails.
Ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh.
Jill, it's just a little,
innocent thing.
Tim, they are dirty,
they carry disease,
they eat garbage.
So do the boys. You're
not afraid of them.
Yes, I am.
(scratching sounds)
You hear that?
Tim, don't!
I thought I heard toenails,
toe-jammy things scraping...
Stop it, stop it!
They're so little,
and they're so quick,
they just run out anywhere
and right up people's backs...
Aah! Just quit it!
Hey, hey, it's in the basement.
Get off the chair, please?
Would you please just
call an exterminator?
Exterminator? Yeah.
Pest control is my domain.
Termites fear me.
Mice whisper my name.
"Hey, forget it, the cheese.
Come back to the hole. It's Tim.
Come on, come on.
He'll kill you. He'll kill you."
I'll go see if Wilson
has any traps.
No, no, don't kill it.
From filthy little vermin
to your fuzzy little friend.
Where did that start?
Well, just because
I don't like it,
doesn't mean I
wanna see it dead.
Otherwise, I'd have set traps
for your mother years ago.
Trap wouldn't stop her.
She'd just chew her leg off.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Wilson!
Hi-ho, neighbor.
Hey, Wilson, do you have any
of those humane traps for mice?
Since when did you
become a trapper, Tim?
Wilson, I think I heard a
mouse in my basement,
and Jill got real freaked
out over that itty-bitty thing.
Can you believe that?
Well, fear is perfectly natural.
Everybody's afraid of something.
What about you, Wilson?
What are you afraid of?
I do have one
underlying fear, Tim.
I'm afraid that reality as we
know it is someone else's dream,
and... when the dreamer wakes,
I'll no longer exist.
Wilson, I wouldn't share
that with too many people.
Back to the trap thing...
Sure, good buddy.
So you said you heard
noises in the kitchen?
No, in the basement.
In the basement. Yeah.
You've been hearing all sorts
of what, scratching noises?
No. Kind of a
more of a rustling.
Rustling? Yeah.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
Tim, my boy, I don't think
you have a problem with mice.
Great.
No, no, no. It sounds like
you might have a snake.
Oh, God!
You scared of snakes, Tim?
Ehh, man. Hey, snakes are
supposed to live in the woods.
Well, this whole area
used to be woods, Tim,
but as man has
taken over his habitat,
they've become suburban snakes.
Heh, suburban snakes? Mm-hmm.
They, like, work here, commute
back to the woods, is that it?
No, they could be right here
living in your own backyard,
or somebody in the neighborhood
could be breeding snakes.
All you need is a cardboard
box and a light bulb.
What kind of sicko
would breed snakes?
Well, Tim, snakes are
clean, low-maintenance pets.
Plus, they have a very
firm, nutty-tasting flesh.
(door opens)
So, what's the deal, are
you gonna set some traps?
Wilson doesn't
think we need one.
I'm calling the exterminator.
Why?
He doesn't think we have mice.
Oh, no, it's a rat.
Worse. Snake.
Snake? Where?!
Oh, no. God, not a snake.
Wait a minute.
Didn't you tell me
that you saw a mouse?
I didn't see it in
the visual sense.
You jerk. You lied to me.
I didn't lie. I was... kidding.
Mom, Dad, come look
what I found in the basement!
Just a second, Randy! Kidding?
You were just torturing me
with all those mouse sounds.
Well, come on,
what's the big deal?
Everybody likes to be scared.
It's fun. Fun...
Dad.
What is it? Gaah!
Look. Ohh! Ehh!
Holy!
I found a snakeskin.
Hah! It was fun.
You see the fun?
Dad, did you know the deadliest
snake in the world is a carpet viper?
It has enough
poison to kill ten men.
Brad, has that exterminator
found anything down there?
Not yet.
Damn. Honey, what's
taking him so long?
Tim, we have a
yard full of children.
We're supposed to
be setting an example.
You have got to calm
down. Have a cookie.
Hot cookie! Hot cookie!
Sorry, sorry.
Dad, the exterminator
wants to borrow a screwdriver.
You know where they are.
Open it and get it yourself.
No. You always say
not to touch your tools.
You better get it, Mom.
What's he want, standard,
Davis, Phillips, flathead, what?
Flathead.
All right.
Find the snake?
Sorry, did my best,
but I didn't find a thing.
Nothing cool ever
happens around here.
Randy... You're telling me
there's not a snake in this house?
It probably moseyed
on back outside.
That happens nine
times out of ten.
Nine times out of ten.
Uh-huh.
What happens the other time?
Heh-heh. I tell ya, it's funny.
Those snakes.
Yeah, they pop
right up out of the
strangest places. Boy,
I could write a book.
Oh, yeah, I've seen 'em
curl up inside of teapots.
Oh, there was one time...
popped right up
out of the toilet.
Of course, like I
said, that's rare.
Hah. Besides, you don't
have anything to worry about.
Judging from that skin your
boy found, it's not poisonous.
Well, I'll see you, folks.
Wait. Wouldn't you like to
stay and have a cup of coffee?
I got lots of appointments.
Well, toodle-oo.
Bye.
Mom, Jimmy Wagner
wants to go home.
Why?
He got the death card.
Brad! Randy!
Come on, don't be a weenie.
Everybody's gotta die sometime.
Hey, guys, get away from him.
Come on, go back in the house.
Go back in the house.
You all right?
I don't wanna die.
Aw, come here.
You're not gonna die.
But I got the death card.
Oh, forget the death card.
I got two death cards
today, and I didn't die.
They were teasing
you. But I'm scared.
Oh, boy, come here.
Everybody's scared of something.
Are you ever afraid?
My dad's never afraid.
He's the bravest man
in the whole world.
You guys, all of you,
even brave guys get afraid.
You know what a brave
man does when he's afraid?
What?
He scares away fear.
Jimmy, you gotta be
scarier than fear itself.
That's what you gotta do.
How do you do that?
Well, look at me. Get
a real ugly face on. Grr.
Pretty ugly, huh? Arr.
And you look at fear,
and you go... you grunt...
Arr-arr-arr!
Can you try that?
Eh-eh.
That would work if
you had just a little fear.
It's a big fear. You gotta get
a deep-down, manly grunt.
Mark, show him
what I'm talking about.
Arr-arr-arr!
See how scary that guy
looks. You guys try it. Arr.
Arr-arr-arr-arr!
Very good, very ugly.
All right, try it.
Gimme one good one.
Arr!
I need a real good two in row.
Arr-arr!
All right, three in
a row, let's do it.
Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.
Come on, guys.
Arr-arr-arr-arr.
There's no fear here!
Get out of here, fear!
(all) Arr-arr-arr.
Dad!
Uhh?
Mom wants you to order pizza.
(all) Pizza!
Hey, you guys stay out
here and practice grunting.
I'll get the pizza!
Arr-arr-arr-arr!
Arr-arr-arr-arr!
Number for the pizza
place is by the phone.
Thanks, Jill. Ohh...
Hi. How many
pizzas will we need?
Uh, four large, but
get different toppings.
All right. I need four larges
with two meat... hold on.
Is anybody allergic
to anything out there?
Jimmy's allergic to
everything. Am not.
All right, all right.
Apparently we need a big cheese
pizza with decongestant all over it.
I'm kidding around, fella.
All right, two cheese, one with
pepperoni and sausage on...
Aah! A snake! That is
a snake in my house!
It's right there.
That is a snake.
OK, everybody quiet down.
Tim, hang up. I'll call the
exterminator on the other phone.
Ahh... ahh.
Ohh...
Why don't you get
the snake out, Dad?
Why don't you shut up, Randy?
(all urge him on)
Hey...
Dad, just stick your
finger in the light.
When the snake
bites it, pull him out.
Heh. Can we talk for a minute?
Maybe you didn't
hear Dad the first time.
Shut up.
OK, I've got the
exterminator on the phone,
but he says he can't
come for an hour.
An hour? We're is he gonna
crawl in an hour? Who knows?
OK. He says that you
should look in the light fixture
and see if the
snake is still there.
Right. Can I talk to
him for a minute? Yeah.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh. You're right.
He says you're supposed to look in the
light fixture and see if it's still there.
Me? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I think you should do it.
I'm so busy right now.
Tim, get over there and
look in that light fixture.
I don't want to.
Go ahead, Mr. Taylor.
You're not afraid,
are you, Mr. Taylor?
My dad's not afraid of anything.
Show 'em, Dad. Show
'em you're not scared.
Ar-ar-ar. Let's get
ourselves a snake.
(all cheer)
All right, all right.
Cub Scouts, outside.
Yeah. Right. All right, thanks.
Yes, thank you, thank you.
Brad, I need a pillowcase
out of your bedroom. Hurry up.
OK, what did he say?
Says reach in that
little, tiny opening,
get that little, tiny snake by
the back of his little, tiny neck,
pull him out of
that little, tiny hole,
and put him gently
in a pillowcase.
You're gonna do that?
That's his plan.
My plan...
I'm gonna rip that light
fixture right off that wall,
shove that into a pillowcase.
All right. Brad, stand
right there under the light,
and I'll jump that
snake right in there.
No way.
What do you mean, no way?
Come on, Randy, help me out.
Heh-heh. Forget it.
Huh?
OK, I'll do it.
Does that make you
happy your mom's doing it?
Fine by us.
Thanks, guys.
Ready?
Ready.
Calm?
No, I can't.
Oh...
Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.
Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.
Jill, Jill, Jill. I got it.
Arr-arr-arr!
Oh, I got it, I
got it, I got it.
Yes-sas.
Arr-arr-arr!
(sighs)
There it is, boys.
Plan your work, work your plan.
The key to success. Heh-heh-heh.
Dad.
Yeah.
There's a snake behind you.
Oh, I bet there is.
Dad, he's serious.
It's right behind you.
Did it have the card
of death in its mouth?
You know, guys, I fell
for that trick this morning.
Toolbox, remember that?
And you can take a practical
joke too far, you know that?
Dad, we're not joking.
It's moving towards you.
Why don't I open my shirt
and let him crawl right in?
Tim, the snake
wasn't in the bag.
Because the
snake is in my shirt!
Aah!
Here you go, hon.
Hey. Thanks.
How you feeling?
Stupid.
Felt like a jerk in front of
those Cub Scouts today.
Aw, they had a great time,
and they learned some
colorful new vocabulary.
Here, Dad. I made this for you.
What is it?
It's a snake badge for bravery.
Hey, that's very impressive.
Would you wear it
on your TV show?
You bet I would.
(kiss) You're a good kid.
Good night, Dad. Good night.
Good night, Mommy.
Good night, sweetie.
(kiss)
Good night, Mommy.
My youngest son gave me
a snake badge for bravery.
Well, you did get
rid of that snake.
Yeah, but in all honesty, I
couldn't have done it without you.
I think it's yours.
Well, we'll share it.
You know, I think we
deserve a little pampering.
Hmm?
How would you like to have
a nice, hot bath with bubbles?
I'd like that... Bubbles.
Ha-ha-ha.
Ehh.
(rings) Whoa!
(woman) Now, we've
already seen his hand...
(man) All right.
In 5...
5, 4...
the show that actually teaches
you how to improve your home.
Morning, Al. Morning, Tim.
Honey, I'm freezing
cold. Feel my hands.
Hi, hey! Ooh, I'll warm 'em.
Here, slip 'em in the
Taylor Toast-o-matic Oven.
Those babies are colder
than a witch's... Tim.
Watching this again?
Honey, this is destined
to become a classic.
Is this the third time
you've watched it?
It's got everything...
action, drama, latex paint,
and, God, I look good
in that vest, don't I?
Ha-ha-ha. No, really,
honey, I'm so cold.
Would you go down
and check the furnace,
'cause I think that the
pilot light must be out.
You're saying lighting
a pilot's a man's job?
No, I'm saying it's your job.
Heh. Look, you're afraid to go down in
that deep, dark basement, aren't you?
No, I'm not afraid.
I just don't like it, you know,
when the furnace goes, "Whoosh!"
All right, I'll light the
pilot light if I get a big kiss.
Do I have to?
You have to.
OK, but only if
I really have to.
Oh, gross.
It's not even dark yet.
Ignore 'em, maybe
they'll go away.
Ha-ha-ha. No,
honey. You really...
you have to do the furnace now,
because Mark's whole
scout troop is coming over,
and I don't want a house
of little frozen Cub-sicles.
Right away.
Dad, Dad, check this out.
I can tell your future
with these cards.
A kid at school showed me how.
I got the three of diamonds.
That means I'm gonna be rich.
OK, fourth card from
the top's your card.
Deal it, buddy.
1, 2, 3...
Hah! Ace of spade-os.
Read it and weep. What?
It's a death card, Dad.
Yeah, right. Let me deal those
and cut 'em like a man. Arr!
Arr! Arr!
OK.
I can see it now, cars,
cash, big homes, boats.
Death.
Double death.
Yeah? How long
do you think I have?
Long enough to
light the furnace.
She's right. We got work to
do. Down in the basement.
'Cause one day, boys,
you will have a cold
woman of your own.
You have to learn
how to light her furnace.
Come on, come on.
Follow me. Come on, guys.
OK, guys, come on
down to the basement,
the climate control
central of our house.
Now watch what you're doin'. Ow!
Ohh!
Ohh! Ohh!
Want you guys to
meet a friend of mine...
the Binford Volcanomaster 5,000.
A quantum leap ahead
of the 4,000 model,
which it replaced
earlier this year.
This is 150,000 BTUs.
What's a BTU?
Technical term.
Yeah, but what's it stand for?
"U" is because of it's a unit.
"B" is because it's a
big, beautiful Binford.
That's "B." "T" is heat.
Big heat unit.
That's what this is.
Dad, heat starts with "H."
Gimme that flashlight, will ya?
Dad, heat starts with "H."
Heat ends with "T." Heat. Heat.
Heat.
Now, working on a furnace
is a delicate operation,
almost like working
on a time bomb.
Wow, that's how he's gonna
die. He's gonna blow himself up.
That's not how I'm gonna die
because your dad is gonna
practice furnace safety tips.
OK, the access panel here says,
"Press button, hold
15 seconds, and..."
Open your mouth or the
shockwaves from the blast
will make your head explode.
13, 14, 15.
No explosion. No death.
Why? Why? Because your
dad laughs in the face of fear.
Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha.
Excuse me, fellas. Jill, set it back to
"auto," and the heat is now working.
Ow.
God...
(rustling)
What was that?
Shh!
(whispers) Be very quiet.
(whispers) What is it?
I think it's over there
behind the boxes.
Boy, I hope it's not
that. It couldn't be.
What?
What?
Yesterday at the zoo, I
read a panther escaped.
Yeah, right, Dad.
I'm not kidding.
(rustling)
Don't make any sudden moves.
Just head toward the stairs.
It could be anywhere.
It could be...
Aah!
(both) Aah!
Ha-ha. It's just a mouse
or something probably.
What if it's not a mouse?
It could be a snake.
Hey, there's nothing
funny about snakes.
Don't joke about that.
There's nothing funny
about slimy reptiles. Nothing!
Hey, maybe it's a
big, huge python.
Enough! Enough!
It's a mouse, a mouse.
And, of course, it
could be a huge one
that likes to eat
little kids like you.
(all yell)
Hey, hey, do I have
to put in speed bumps?
Mom?
Yeah?
What are we gonna make?
I am going to have
the whole scout troop
make their own paper-bag masks.
Is that all? Billy's mom
helped us make a real teepee.
She did?
Yeah, and she made us
beef jerky from raw meat.
Billy's mom is a Stepford wife.
You're getting pizza
and paper-bag masks.
Well, I guess I better
put on my uniform.
Honey, mission accomplished.
Furnace is lit, operational.
That, however, is the good news.
The good news?
What's the bad news?
Well, I can't tell you.
You'll probably go crazy.
Oh, please, I never go crazy.
I found something soft and
furry that rhymes with "house."
Oh, God.
There's a famous
one named Mickey.
It's a mouse.
God, a mouse with
beady little eyes
and toe-jammy little nails.
Ehh, ehh, ehh, ehh.
Jill, it's just a little,
innocent thing.
Tim, they are dirty,
they carry disease,
they eat garbage.
So do the boys. You're
not afraid of them.
Yes, I am.
(scratching sounds)
You hear that?
Tim, don't!
I thought I heard toenails,
toe-jammy things scraping...
Stop it, stop it!
They're so little,
and they're so quick,
they just run out anywhere
and right up people's backs...
Aah! Just quit it!
Hey, hey, it's in the basement.
Get off the chair, please?
Would you please just
call an exterminator?
Exterminator? Yeah.
Pest control is my domain.
Termites fear me.
Mice whisper my name.
"Hey, forget it, the cheese.
Come back to the hole. It's Tim.
Come on, come on.
He'll kill you. He'll kill you."
I'll go see if Wilson
has any traps.
No, no, don't kill it.
From filthy little vermin
to your fuzzy little friend.
Where did that start?
Well, just because
I don't like it,
doesn't mean I
wanna see it dead.
Otherwise, I'd have set traps
for your mother years ago.
Trap wouldn't stop her.
She'd just chew her leg off.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Wilson!
Hi-ho, neighbor.
Hey, Wilson, do you have any
of those humane traps for mice?
Since when did you
become a trapper, Tim?
Wilson, I think I heard a
mouse in my basement,
and Jill got real freaked
out over that itty-bitty thing.
Can you believe that?
Well, fear is perfectly natural.
Everybody's afraid of something.
What about you, Wilson?
What are you afraid of?
I do have one
underlying fear, Tim.
I'm afraid that reality as we
know it is someone else's dream,
and... when the dreamer wakes,
I'll no longer exist.
Wilson, I wouldn't share
that with too many people.
Back to the trap thing...
Sure, good buddy.
So you said you heard
noises in the kitchen?
No, in the basement.
In the basement. Yeah.
You've been hearing all sorts
of what, scratching noises?
No. Kind of a
more of a rustling.
Rustling? Yeah.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
Tim, my boy, I don't think
you have a problem with mice.
Great.
No, no, no. It sounds like
you might have a snake.
Oh, God!
You scared of snakes, Tim?
Ehh, man. Hey, snakes are
supposed to live in the woods.
Well, this whole area
used to be woods, Tim,
but as man has
taken over his habitat,
they've become suburban snakes.
Heh, suburban snakes? Mm-hmm.
They, like, work here, commute
back to the woods, is that it?
No, they could be right here
living in your own backyard,
or somebody in the neighborhood
could be breeding snakes.
All you need is a cardboard
box and a light bulb.
What kind of sicko
would breed snakes?
Well, Tim, snakes are
clean, low-maintenance pets.
Plus, they have a very
firm, nutty-tasting flesh.
(door opens)
So, what's the deal, are
you gonna set some traps?
Wilson doesn't
think we need one.
I'm calling the exterminator.
Why?
He doesn't think we have mice.
Oh, no, it's a rat.
Worse. Snake.
Snake? Where?!
Oh, no. God, not a snake.
Wait a minute.
Didn't you tell me
that you saw a mouse?
I didn't see it in
the visual sense.
You jerk. You lied to me.
I didn't lie. I was... kidding.
Mom, Dad, come look
what I found in the basement!
Just a second, Randy! Kidding?
You were just torturing me
with all those mouse sounds.
Well, come on,
what's the big deal?
Everybody likes to be scared.
It's fun. Fun...
Dad.
What is it? Gaah!
Look. Ohh! Ehh!
Holy!
I found a snakeskin.
Hah! It was fun.
You see the fun?
Dad, did you know the deadliest
snake in the world is a carpet viper?
It has enough
poison to kill ten men.
Brad, has that exterminator
found anything down there?
Not yet.
Damn. Honey, what's
taking him so long?
Tim, we have a
yard full of children.
We're supposed to
be setting an example.
You have got to calm
down. Have a cookie.
Hot cookie! Hot cookie!
Sorry, sorry.
Dad, the exterminator
wants to borrow a screwdriver.
You know where they are.
Open it and get it yourself.
No. You always say
not to touch your tools.
You better get it, Mom.
What's he want, standard,
Davis, Phillips, flathead, what?
Flathead.
All right.
Find the snake?
Sorry, did my best,
but I didn't find a thing.
Nothing cool ever
happens around here.
Randy... You're telling me
there's not a snake in this house?
It probably moseyed
on back outside.
That happens nine
times out of ten.
Nine times out of ten.
Uh-huh.
What happens the other time?
Heh-heh. I tell ya, it's funny.
Those snakes.
Yeah, they pop
right up out of the
strangest places. Boy,
I could write a book.
Oh, yeah, I've seen 'em
curl up inside of teapots.
Oh, there was one time...
popped right up
out of the toilet.
Of course, like I
said, that's rare.
Hah. Besides, you don't
have anything to worry about.
Judging from that skin your
boy found, it's not poisonous.
Well, I'll see you, folks.
Wait. Wouldn't you like to
stay and have a cup of coffee?
I got lots of appointments.
Well, toodle-oo.
Bye.
Mom, Jimmy Wagner
wants to go home.
Why?
He got the death card.
Brad! Randy!
Come on, don't be a weenie.
Everybody's gotta die sometime.
Hey, guys, get away from him.
Come on, go back in the house.
Go back in the house.
You all right?
I don't wanna die.
Aw, come here.
You're not gonna die.
But I got the death card.
Oh, forget the death card.
I got two death cards
today, and I didn't die.
They were teasing
you. But I'm scared.
Oh, boy, come here.
Everybody's scared of something.
Are you ever afraid?
My dad's never afraid.
He's the bravest man
in the whole world.
You guys, all of you,
even brave guys get afraid.
You know what a brave
man does when he's afraid?
What?
He scares away fear.
Jimmy, you gotta be
scarier than fear itself.
That's what you gotta do.
How do you do that?
Well, look at me. Get
a real ugly face on. Grr.
Pretty ugly, huh? Arr.
And you look at fear,
and you go... you grunt...
Arr-arr-arr!
Can you try that?
Eh-eh.
That would work if
you had just a little fear.
It's a big fear. You gotta get
a deep-down, manly grunt.
Mark, show him
what I'm talking about.
Arr-arr-arr!
See how scary that guy
looks. You guys try it. Arr.
Arr-arr-arr-arr!
Very good, very ugly.
All right, try it.
Gimme one good one.
Arr!
I need a real good two in row.
Arr-arr!
All right, three in
a row, let's do it.
Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.
Come on, guys.
Arr-arr-arr-arr.
There's no fear here!
Get out of here, fear!
(all) Arr-arr-arr.
Dad!
Uhh?
Mom wants you to order pizza.
(all) Pizza!
Hey, you guys stay out
here and practice grunting.
I'll get the pizza!
Arr-arr-arr-arr!
Arr-arr-arr-arr!
Number for the pizza
place is by the phone.
Thanks, Jill. Ohh...
Hi. How many
pizzas will we need?
Uh, four large, but
get different toppings.
All right. I need four larges
with two meat... hold on.
Is anybody allergic
to anything out there?
Jimmy's allergic to
everything. Am not.
All right, all right.
Apparently we need a big cheese
pizza with decongestant all over it.
I'm kidding around, fella.
All right, two cheese, one with
pepperoni and sausage on...
Aah! A snake! That is
a snake in my house!
It's right there.
That is a snake.
OK, everybody quiet down.
Tim, hang up. I'll call the
exterminator on the other phone.
Ahh... ahh.
Ohh...
Why don't you get
the snake out, Dad?
Why don't you shut up, Randy?
(all urge him on)
Hey...
Dad, just stick your
finger in the light.
When the snake
bites it, pull him out.
Heh. Can we talk for a minute?
Maybe you didn't
hear Dad the first time.
Shut up.
OK, I've got the
exterminator on the phone,
but he says he can't
come for an hour.
An hour? We're is he gonna
crawl in an hour? Who knows?
OK. He says that you
should look in the light fixture
and see if the
snake is still there.
Right. Can I talk to
him for a minute? Yeah.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Oh. You're right.
He says you're supposed to look in the
light fixture and see if it's still there.
Me? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I think you should do it.
I'm so busy right now.
Tim, get over there and
look in that light fixture.
I don't want to.
Go ahead, Mr. Taylor.
You're not afraid,
are you, Mr. Taylor?
My dad's not afraid of anything.
Show 'em, Dad. Show
'em you're not scared.
Ar-ar-ar. Let's get
ourselves a snake.
(all cheer)
All right, all right.
Cub Scouts, outside.
Yeah. Right. All right, thanks.
Yes, thank you, thank you.
Brad, I need a pillowcase
out of your bedroom. Hurry up.
OK, what did he say?
Says reach in that
little, tiny opening,
get that little, tiny snake by
the back of his little, tiny neck,
pull him out of
that little, tiny hole,
and put him gently
in a pillowcase.
You're gonna do that?
That's his plan.
My plan...
I'm gonna rip that light
fixture right off that wall,
shove that into a pillowcase.
All right. Brad, stand
right there under the light,
and I'll jump that
snake right in there.
No way.
What do you mean, no way?
Come on, Randy, help me out.
Heh-heh. Forget it.
Huh?
OK, I'll do it.
Does that make you
happy your mom's doing it?
Fine by us.
Thanks, guys.
Ready?
Ready.
Calm?
No, I can't.
Oh...
Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.
Arr-arr-arr. Arr-arr-arr.
Jill, Jill, Jill. I got it.
Arr-arr-arr!
Oh, I got it, I
got it, I got it.
Yes-sas.
Arr-arr-arr!
(sighs)
There it is, boys.
Plan your work, work your plan.
The key to success. Heh-heh-heh.
Dad.
Yeah.
There's a snake behind you.
Oh, I bet there is.
Dad, he's serious.
It's right behind you.
Did it have the card
of death in its mouth?
You know, guys, I fell
for that trick this morning.
Toolbox, remember that?
And you can take a practical
joke too far, you know that?
Dad, we're not joking.
It's moving towards you.
Why don't I open my shirt
and let him crawl right in?
Tim, the snake
wasn't in the bag.
Because the
snake is in my shirt!
Aah!
Here you go, hon.
Hey. Thanks.
How you feeling?
Stupid.
Felt like a jerk in front of
those Cub Scouts today.
Aw, they had a great time,
and they learned some
colorful new vocabulary.
Here, Dad. I made this for you.
What is it?
It's a snake badge for bravery.
Hey, that's very impressive.
Would you wear it
on your TV show?
You bet I would.
(kiss) You're a good kid.
Good night, Dad. Good night.
Good night, Mommy.
Good night, sweetie.
(kiss)
Good night, Mommy.
My youngest son gave me
a snake badge for bravery.
Well, you did get
rid of that snake.
Yeah, but in all honesty, I
couldn't have done it without you.
I think it's yours.
Well, we'll share it.
You know, I think we
deserve a little pampering.
Hmm?
How would you like to have
a nice, hot bath with bubbles?
I'd like that... Bubbles.
Ha-ha-ha.
Ehh.
(rings) Whoa!
(woman) Now, we've
already seen his hand...
(man) All right.
In 5...
5, 4...