Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 23 - Al's Fair in Love and War - full transcript

That's Greta Post. Greta Post?

Remember, from
the female Tool Time?

Yes, I do, Al.

Well, I think she wants
me to ask her out.

How do you know that?
Well, she sent this backstage.

It's got perfume on it, and
she dotted all her I's with hearts.

It is serious, Al.
Well, go ask her out.

I can't do that. Oh.
I'll ask her out for ya.

No, no. No, Tim!

(Tim chuckles) No.

Oh, relax. I was just
gonna go say, "Greta,



you melt Al's tool belt."

Tim, please. I'd like to
do this at my own pace.

You don't have a pace.
You barely have a pulse.

You guys ready? Yeah.

(♪ Tool Time theme)

Ladies and gentlemen,
Binford Tools is proud to present

Tool Time!

Hi, everybody, and
welcome to Tool Time.

I'm Tim "the Tool Man"
Taylor. Of course, this is Al

"the Available Man"
Borland. (laughs)

Hey, Al, why don't you tell everybody
what's on the program today?

All right. Today we'll be, uh...

we'll be showing
you three easy steps

in how to build patio furniture.



Al, that will be on
Friday's program.

Today is Friday.

No, today is Thursday, the
day that precedes Friday.

Thursday? Thursday...

He's right. That's right - it's
the day after Wednesday...

Oh, good golly. Looks like Al's
got a bit of that spring fever, huh?

And spring is the time that a
young man's fancy turns to love...

and outdoor lighting.

Yes, outdoor lighting
can enhance the backyard

in a variety of
ways. For example:

this is the type of lighting you want
in you backyard if you have a pool.

(audience) Ooh!
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

And this is the type of lighting
you want if you have a patio.

(audience) Ahh!

And this is the type of lighting you
want if you have a big monument.

(♪ "Hail to the Chief")

(music stops)

All right, Al, why
don't we show the folks

the variety of lighting
they can use at home.

Coming right up, Tim. Now,
with this variety of lighting,

you and your family can
romp through the backyard...

(crash)

pulling shards of glass
out of your bloody feet.

(director over speaker) Cut. Let's
reset, and we'll take it from the top.

Al, come on! Get ahold of
yourself. I'm sorry. I just...

I caught Greta's eye, and I
got flustered, but I'm fine now.

I-I'm blocking her out of
my mind. There - she's gone.

All right, get a broom. Help me
clean this up. We'll start again.

Hey, guys. What are studying?
Exponents and square roots.

Ooh, math. I was a whiz in
math when I was in school.

Do you suppose they
call those square roots

because they're just not cool?

Dad? Uh-huh.

Jill, are you still diggi"
through those boxes?

Tim, it's called
spring cleaning.

Jill, it's called "lug it away."

You go through the box,
you pull out stuff, you say,

(high-pitched voice) "Oh, doesn't
this bring back fond memories?"

Then you put it right back in
the box and have me lug it away.

Well, here, you
big lug. Lug this.

What's the magic word? (grunts)

Oh, no, that's "thank
you." "Please" is... (grunts)

(grunts)

Aw, honey, doesn't this
bring back fond memories?

Look at this. This is us together
at that college spring dance.

God, look how long my hair was.

God. Boy, was I ever a stud.

Yeah, I think the operative
word there is "was."

I think I found your long hair.

Ooh, my fall! Let me
see that. Don't touch it.

Look, it's moving all by... Aah!

Aah! Aah!

(mimics sound of gunfire)

Saved!

What is this
stuff? I don't know.

Ohh. What's this?

Nothing. Looks like a diary.

It's just my diary from college.

There's nothing that
would interest you in here.

Really? Hey, what about that

steamy night in
Saugatuck we spent, huh?

There might be
one short paragraph.

Bet it says something like,
"Tonight, I saw paradise."

"And it was a
very small island."

How about our first date? That's
gotta be in there. Read me that.

Well, I have to admit
you swept me off my feet.

Oh, that strolling violinist...

the way you climbed up to
the second-floor dorm room

and just stuck that
note on my window...

Whoa. I didn't do that.

Yeah, you remember. It
was that same night that...

Oh. Never mind.

Hi, guys. What's so funny?

Oh, nothing. Just a
naked baby picture of Brad.

Let me see that.

Which end is his face?

It's hard to tell. They both
look like they're smiling.

Where'd you guys get this?

In that box, with
Mom's old stuff.

Mom's old stuff, huh?

You didn't see a pink
book in there, did you?

Oh, you mean Mom's diary.
Yeah, it's under the pictures.

Now, remember, this is
your Mom's personal stuff,

and I don't want you
going in here without asking.

You hear me? OK.

Never go in. That's
personal things of people's.

Stay out of their
personal things.

You don't ever go in there.

What are you doing?
Oh! Don't do that to me!

You were reading my diary!

I was not. I didn't
have enough time.

I'm gonna take this and
put it some place safer.

(doorbell) I'll get it!

Hi, Al. Hi, Randy.

Hi, Al. Come on in.

What's going on?

(sighs) Hi. I just wanted to
apologize to you, man to man,

for screwing up
on the show today.

(deep voice) Well, Al, I accept
your apology, man to man.

All right, now hit the
deck, give me 20, right now!

I'm kidding. Come on.

Oh, hi, Al. Oh, hi, Jill.

I suppose Tim mentioned to you
how I embarrassed myself today.

No. You didn't?

I embarrassed myself
today in front of Greta Post.

Greta Post... Yeah,
you remember.

She was on the female Tool Time.

She wore a blue denim shirt
on top of a soft-pink T-shirt

and silver dangle earrings.

Blond hair, kind of shoulder-length,
with a dimple on her left...

(whistles) Al, it's
not a police lineup.

I remember Greta Post. She was
adorable. You should ask her out.

Oh, well, I... Oh, he couldn't.

No. Why not?

Well, she... She's
somethin' special.

Yeah.

Ohh. So you feel
a little nervous?

Yeah.

You want some
iced tea? Oh, please.

Well, yeah, thanks.

It's just... whenever I start
to get serious about a girl,

it always ends up she says,
"Gee, Al, I really like you,

but why can't we
just be friends?"

Oh. That must hurt.

Al, you know what your
problem is? You're too darn nice.

I'm just trying to be
sensitve to their needs.

(Tim groans) I
hate hearing that.

Women always say
they want a sensitve man.

But then they end up running
off with a kick-boxer named Dolph.

Women like primitve,
raw, wild men -

a man with a sensuality of
outdoors. That kind of guy.

The only reason I married you
is because you're so sensitive.

Now, what's that
supposed to mean?

Al, don't listen to
him. Listen to me.

Ask her out, take her
some place to dinner

where you feel
comfortable and relaxed.

Well, maybe I could take
her to my mother's house.

(Jill and Tim) No, Al.

Don't take her to Mom's
house... unless she's out of town.

Oh, look, I got an idea.

Why don't you bring her
over here Saturday night?

We're just gonna have a
cookout. You know, just the family.

Well, I wouldn't
wanna be any trouble.

A little late for
that, isn't it, Al?

Shut up, Tim. It's no trouble.

You'll be relaxed, and that
way she'll get to see the real Al.

A sad, lonely, broken man.

I'm kidding, buddy.

Jeez. Watch it.
Uh, Greta's here.

Great. Go ask her out.

Well, I was thinking
maybe after the show...

No, no, Al. Go ask her now.

Look, tell her you don't
wanna be just friends.

Come on, buddy,
listen to me. Buck up.

Show some mettle, man.

Don't ask her out. Go tell
her you're going out. (grunts)

Arr.

Greta. Yes, Al?

Let's go out. I'd like that.

Good. Al!

Yeah? Well, when?

Oh, uh, gee, I-I-I
don't... I don't know.

Well, whatever's
convenient for you.

If you'd like to check your
calendar, get back to me...

Well, I'm happy to go out
whenever you wanna go out.

Whenever you wanna
go out is fine... Greta.

Tomorrow night, barbeque,
Taylor house. 6:00.

That's perfect, Al.

Good goin', buddy.

Al! I'm free tonight!

Well, gee, tonight's not
good for me, but maybe...

Al, Al! (laughs)

Gather around, my sons.

What's up, Dad?

Tonight, we put a carcass
on the grill, oil up our bodies,

put our loinclothes
on and celebrate

the first barbeque of
the season. (grunts)

And you'll notice Daddy-O here

has a 20-gallon steel
cylinder filled with propane.

I've increased the outlet
valve of this twice over.

Which means we'll
be cooking with what?

The fire department?

(Jill) Randy, Mark, get in
here and clean up this mess!

(singsong) You guys are in
trouble. Nanner-nanner-nanner.

Well, Tim, beautiful
spring day. Mm-hmm.

How is the
enchanting maiden Jill?

The enchanting maiden? Just
waxing poetic, Tim. I can't help it.

It's springtime -
love is in the air.

(inhales deeply) Mm.
Can you smell that?

Does is smell like sausage?

I'm talking about pollen...
wafting from stamen to stigma,

looking to create new
flowers. Fly, little pollen, fly.

Create new life. Pollenate and
propagate. Get down. Ho-ho!

(Jill) Tim, I thought you
said you were gonna help me!

Ahh. There's the
enchanting maiden now.

See ya, Wilson. Mm-hmm.

You bellowed, my maiden?

Yeah. Al and Greta are
gonna be here in an hour and...

Would you put these boxes
up in the garage for me?

You bet. Randy, give
me a hand, will ya?

My diary's not in there. I'm
not looking for your diary.

Yeah, I saw you not looking" for it.
You aren't gonna find it because I hid it.

And if, by some
chance, you do find it,

swear to me that
you will not touch it.

I swear on my son's head,
I will not touch your diary.

And if I do, may he go bald.

Right, Dad.

So, looks like you
lost that diary forever.

Really, hotshot? Take
a look in the dryer.

There's nothing there.

Look in the lint trap.

(gasps) Wow!
How'd you know that?

That's where she always hides
stuff she doesn't want me to find.

Here. No, no. I promised
I wouldn't touch it.

Whoa. (whistles)

But that doesn't stop you

from puttin' it out and
accidentally opening it up.

Wait a second. This could
be worth something. Oh.

I could tell Mom about this.

And I could duct-tape
you to a ceiling fan

and force-feed you liver.
How's "August 20th, 1974"?

Now, don't you
read that. Back off.

Oh, you can read this one.
This is cute. This is sweet.

"Today I met the
man I'm gonna marry.

Dan Lyons"?

Who the hell is Dan Lyons?

Captain of the debate team.

I told you, never go into your mother's
personal things! Don't ever, ever!

Nice try, Tim. Ever!

You're in big trouble
now, Dad. You're pathetic.

And I'm upset. Oh.

You were gonna marry Dan
Lyons? Oh, come on, Tim.

It was a long time ago. It
was way, way, way before I...

fell in love with you.

How "way"? Way, way before you.

Am I even in the book? No way.

Of course you are. You're just
not looking in the right place.

It was April... That's it.

Right there.

"Tonight I met the biggest...

Jerk. "on campus.

Tim Taylor." So, it was
love at first sight, huh?

Well, come on, Tim.
The first time I saw you,

you were hanging from
the roof of the girls' dorm,

swinging through the air, with
panties on your head, going,

"Send out the virgins
to wax my loins!"

(grunting) Oh, yeah.

Let me see it. Face it.

That was the time we first
fell in love. No, it was not.

Spring weekend was when
we fell in love. See here, look.

"Spring weekend was wonderful.

Friday I went to
a movie with Tim,

and Saturday we went
to the spring dance.

"Tim spilled his boilermaker
down the front of my dress...

It wasn't my fault. "...and he can't
dance at all, but he's a great kisser.

I know that Tim
Taylor is definitely

the guy I'm going to marry."

See? "Him or Mitch Newton."

You know, that dress
looks very pretty.

The color goes great
with your skin tone.

Well, thank you.

Gee, I'm not used to
getting all these compliments

in a house full of boys.

I'm sure Bradley
compliments you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Bradley is the one exception.

Where is he?

He said he was gonna change
his shirt and wash up for dinner.

Jennifer, you must come
to this house more often.

(Tim belches loudly) Yep...

the men are ready.
Clean, preened,

ready to fill our
spleens. Let's eat!

Jennifer, you wanna
go outside? Sure.

Something I said? Dad...

What's with the kid?

Well, Al and Greta, those two wild
lovebirds, oughta be here any minute.

Oh, I hope it all
goes well tonight.

I think it's gonna go great.

I had a little pep talk
with Al on the phone.

Oh, God. What did
you tell him? Mm.

I told him to go easy on
that Mr. Nice Guy stuff,

and if she says,
"You're so sensitive,"

he should stand up for himself and
show her he's got some hair on his chest.

Oh, Tim. (doorbell)

Oh. Love is about to blossom.

Come in, come in, come in.

Hi. Hi. Where's Al?

I don't know. Well,
um... come on in.

Sit down. Didn't you
guys come together?

(crying) Yeah, but I got
out and he just drove off.

Well, Greta, what happened?

Well... we were on
our way over here

and we were having a nice talk.

I told him he was a
very sensitive man.

Oh, no!

Then he ripped open
his shirt and said,

"Hey, I've got
hair on my chest."

I started laughing because
I thought he was joking.

Then his face turned red
and he asked me to get out,

and that's when he drove off...

howling!

Hi, Al.

Hi, Tim. How'd you
know I was here?

(chuckles) There's only two
places you go when you're upset,

and your mom wasn't home.

It's her bingo night.

You know, I think when Greta
decided to go out with you,

she kinda figured
you'd be with her.

I couldn't. I did
what you said -

I howled at the moon, I showed
her the hairs on my chest,

and she laughed at me.

You weren't actually supposed
to show her your chest.

It was a figure of speech.
Well, I'm not a wild man, Tim.

I'm not like you.
I'm a nice guy.

Well, thank you.

Well, that didn't...
You know. Right.

I just... I wish there was a
way I could apologize to Greta.

I think there is, Al. Greta.

She's here? Yes, she's here.

(whispering) Oh, no, no!

Hi, Al. Greta.

I'm sorry I showed
you my chest hairs.

That's OK. I didn't really look.

I guess this whole
thing came about

because I'm very nervous
about going out with you.

You're nervous?
I'm nervous, too.

Well, what do you have
to be nervous about?

Because I've never been
out with a celebrity before.

Well, me neither.

You mean me? Yeah.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Well, I can see how that
could make you nervous.

Celebrity.

But you shouldn't
let that bother you.

I mean, after all, I'm
only an assistant celebrity.

Boy, I wish we could
start this whole night over.

Well, why don't we?

There's something
you need to know.

If we go out on a date, I...

I'm not interested in
being just good friends.

I'm-I'm interested in
being something more.

Me, too.

Oh.

Tim!

Yeah, I'm right
here. Jill's with me.

Hi!

Oh, gee, Jill... I'm
sorry I ruined the dinner.

Oh, no, no, you
didn't ruin the dinner.

Maybe the two of you should
go off somewhere together

and enjoy yourselves. Yeah.

That's a good idea.

Do you like bingo?

Oh, I love bingo.

That's wonderful.

Bye. Bye!

Thank you.

(Tim) You know, I think
she actually likes him.

Oh, Tim, I told you. Women
love men that are sensitive.

Oh, don't start this now.

You didn't marry me
because I was a sensitive man.

Yes, I did. Give me one example.

OK, I will.

Do you remember
that spring weekend

we went to the movies...
and we went to Sangren Hall

and saw Doctor Zhivago?
Doctor Zhivago, yeah.

You know that scene
when Lara and Dr. Zhivago

say goodbye at
the train station?

I looked over at you

and you had a single
tear roll down your cheek.

That is when I fell
in love with you.

That was such a sad scene. Mm.

That's not why I was
crying. Oh, yeah? Why?

You finished all
of my Milk Duds.

(sighs, mock-crying)
Just the thought of that

just brings up so many
bad memories. (Jill laughs)

When are we gonna
eat? I'm starving.

Yeah, Dad said the propane
tank would make it go faster.

Just be patient. He's
doing the best he can.

Tim, how's it going out there?
Oh, great, honey. Just great.

That new valve is really forcing
the gas right out of this thing.

(explosion)

(Tim) Whoa!

Who wanted that
well-done chicken?

This could be worth
something. Oh.

I could tell Mom about this.

And I could duct-tape
you to a ceiling fan...

I could tell Mom about this.

And I could
duct-tape... (gibberish)