Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 24 - Stereo-typical - full transcript
In Tool Time: It's the "Salute to Saws" week. Tim's special guest is Janeen Ray Heller, who can play the saw. At Home: The speakers of Tim's stereo system blow up (sadly, not literally) and...
Ah.
And thus you have...
a beautifully decorated
nameplate for your home.
So when you come to my
door, whose house is it, Al?
Rolyat Mit.
All you gotta do is
read it, and it says...
"Rolyat Mit."
How did I screw that up?
Well, anyway, that's just one of
the uses for a scrolling saber saw.
Another way to make a scroll cut
is use your coping saw.
Say, Al, do you suppose
they call these coping saws
'cause they're good
at handling stress?
I don't think so, Rolyat.
Thanks, Al. I mean, La.
Anyway, all this week La
and I will be doing our salute...
(metal dings)
to saws.
Now, to most people,
saws just mean noise,
wood chips, and maybe
a missing finger or two.
(laughs) Not to me.
To me, a saw says
the sound of power,
something a man can relate to.
(grunting) Yeah, now
this bad boy is raw power.
"Uhh," yourselves, yeah.
This is a 3.5-cubic
inch chain saw.
Automatic oil,
manual chain style.
(grunts)
(rumbling)
Aah!
Yeah, you won't
have this thing too long
before you hear the wife going,
"Are you sure you're supposed to
have that running in the bedroom?!"
You want to cut
down on the noise,
put some tape across her mouth.
I'm kidding.
Al, the women know
I'm kidding, right?
That's Tim "He's
Not Kidding" Tay...
(motor stops)
Boy, I'm tired of that sign, Al.
Besides, the women
know I'm kidding.
If not, they're probably too
busy yapping to hear me anyway.
That's Tim Taylor,
care of Tool Time,
P.O. Box 327... Al.
3... Al...
Does the words "job search"
mean anything to you at all?
What I'm trying to say
here is that tools in general
don't just have to make
banging, crashing, sawing noises.
Tools can also make music.
(metal dings)
And to prove my point,
I've got a special guest
invited here to Tool Time.
So I expect a big
Tool Time welcome
for Miss Janeen Rae Heller!
(cheers and applause)
Hi, Janeen. This
is my assistant Al.
Oh, I'm a big fan of yours, Al.
Well, thanks for that. Why
don't you sit right down here?
As we all can plainly see,
Janeen's got an ordinary
Binford cross-cut saw,
which means we're gonna
have her build us a sun porch.
No, Tim, I'm gonna
be playing music.
Music to even the most sensitive
of ears. All right, hit it, Janeen.
Any requests? Well, maybe...
Uh, well, yes. I have one.
It's from my favorite movie.
Do you know the theme to Dumbo?
Tim, that's my favorite
movie about an elephant.
I would like to hear
"Greensleeves."
Oh, let's party.
I know that.
(♪ "Greensleeves")
(sobbing)
(♪ hard rock)
Would you turn
that down, please?
What?
Turn it down. It's
hurting my ears.
Hurt your ears? I
barely have it on.
Turn it down, turn it
down... You'll break the...
(lowers volume)
See? Isn't that much better?
Is the stereo on, hon?
Tim, when you listen to it
that loud, it just sounds terrible.
Music is to be experienced.
That's why you
got to crank it up.
Isn't that better?
No.
(pop, crackle, hum/ music stops)
Oh, I don't believe this.
What's wrong? I think I blew
out the woofer in these things.
Well, can you fix that?
You know, these are old.
Why don't we buy new speakers?
No. No, no, no...
Think about it. They're great.
I been reading a
lot about speakers.
They're changing.
Five-way bass reflex, right?
Triple-crossover networks.
It excites me so much when
you talk about conductors,
high response... Jill...
megahertz, tweeters...
You got a minute?
Woofers. You got a minute now?
Can I speak for just one
second here? All right.
They're new. Everything's
got magnetic dampening
to cooling, mini-tweeters.
They got aluminum
diaphragms now in 'em.
You just rest. I'm going down to
Lucky G's Stereo and check it out.
You're not gonna buy
anything but speakers, right?
Nothing else. No. No.
Well, maybe look at amps.
Digital audio's out. Kinda cool.
You stay here. I'll
go buy the speakers.
(whistles) Jill, please, please,
please, please, please stay here.
You go, you'll end up getting
matching woodgrain and a soft décor
to go with carpets, chairs
and linoleum. Mm-hmm.
Men's speakers.
That's what I'm after.
Speakers with attitude.
Speakers that haven't shaved
in a couple of days, that's it.
Before you get all
these hairy speakers,
I want you to stop
and think to yourself,
"What would Jill
want me to buy?"
I always do that.
Well, listen this
time. All right.
I'll buy sensible speakers,
but... we could upgrade the amp,
I could boost the
power and rewire...
No boosting, no rewiring. I just want
something simple that I can turn on.
Like me.
Not that simple.
Dad, are these good speakers?
You bet. The best.
Dual concentric design
speaker elements
with the tweeter
inside the woofer.
Woof!
OK, you get the
doughnuts. I'll distract Dad.
Hey, Dad.
Yes, son.
How's it going?
OK.
I got a question for you.
How do you build a house?
That's a good question.
All right, first you select the
site where you're gonna build.
Then you pick
the style of house,
and then you put the doughnuts
right back in the cupboard.
Aw, man.
Where you going?
I haven't finished.
Then you pour the foundation...
Later, Dad.
Dad, I found the instructions.
You said there weren't any.
(scoffs)
Real men don't use
instructions, son.
Besides, this is just the
manufacturer's opinion
of how to put this together.
We got a better way, don't we?
(grunts) Yeah! (grunts) Yeah!
While I got you, help me take these
boxes out to the garbage, all right?
Hi-de-ho, big neighbor
and little neighbor.
(both) Hi, Wilson.
Ah, I see you got yourself
some stereo equipment, Tim.
State of the art,
my friend. Mm-hmm.
I was looking for speakers,
but I ended up with a
whole entertainment center.
So you and Jill went
shopping together.
She couldn't make it, so
I'm hoping to surprise her.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm.
Wait till she sees
the CD player.
Eight times oversampling.
Holds 18 CDs.
We could party all night, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your lovely wife
just came in, Tim,
and I think you're right.
She does look
surprised. (clears throat)
Well, Jill? What do you think?
How much did it cost?
Well, not a lot,
considering all the titanium...
How much?!
Well... nothing.
Actually, it's on
a five-day trial.
If you don't like it, you
get your money back.
I thought you were
gonna ask yourself,
"What would Jill
want me to buy?"
I asked her. This
is what she said.
Ohh... No, the-the salesman
down at the stereo place... Biff...
said... "Are you into opera?"
Oh, Biff asked you that? Yeah.
And he said that if you are,
you'd like the Dolby Pro
Logic Surround Sound.
Oh, I see. Yeah.
Huh. So you just bought
all this stuff for me.
Absolutely.
What is this thing right there?
Your new police scanner.
Gee, thanks, honey. It's
just what I always wanted.
Well, I was gonna wait for our
anniversary, but, you know...
It's a special time for me.
Why are you so obsessed
with all this gadgetry?
This is way too complicated.
This couldn't be
simpler. Oh, yeah?
OK, then you tell me,
how do I turn the TV on?
(scoffs) Piece of cake.
Set your pre-amp,
turn on your amp,
set VTR button to "TV,"
sound system acoustical or flat,
Dolby up one "C,"
flip on your monitor.
Tim, box it up, open the door,
put it in the car, take it back.
Look, I anticipated
your techno-fright.
Watch what I did.
I rewired the whole system
to be sound-sensitive.
What's that? Listen to this.
You just turn the
whole unit on, OK?
Now, you want the TV on?
Clap once.
(laughing) Come on.
(siren wailing/
dispatcher talking) See?
Oh, no, uh, TV's twice.
(♪ rock)
Three times TV. There...
OK, this won't do.
OK...
(all continue playing)
Just turn it all off.
Tim...
Turn off! Stop it!
Hello! Ho! Ho! Ho!
(clapping) Look, I have
a very technical solution.
Yah... It worked.
Tim? (Tim) Yeah?
Uh, I have a question about
this remote you installed,
where you clap. Uh-huh.
When we're watching the opera
tomorrow and the audience applauds,
will that turn the TV off?
Help me out and grab that
bare wire for me, will you, please?
Tim, I don't want
to be a nagging wife.
Well, then how
will I recognize you?
Ahh! All right, you're
loving and supporting.
Let go.
What are you, a mud
wrestler on the weekends?
(horn honks)
Mark, your ride is
here! Get a move on!
(♪ loud hard rock)
(turns music off)
"For the series
of your equipment,
"locate audio-in jack
and auxiliary output.
For VCR and CD,
reverse process or go..."
Ah, jeez. Do I go in from the
output or out from the input?
Hi-de-ho, neighbor. Hi, Wilson.
Did you get that sound
system hooked up yet?
Oh, yeah. Piece of cake, man.
Can I ask you a question?
Woof my tweeter, Tim.
(chuckles)
When you listen to your music,
do you have it up so
loud it rattles the walls?
Well, I used to, Tim, but nowadays
when I pound on the bongos that hard,
it just makes my palms sore.
Right.
Jill thinks I'm obsessed
with all this stereo technology.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
That's not it, you know.
I like the loud music,
but I like sound.
That's what I like.
I like 20 megahertz roaring
through my body, shaking my bladder.
My brain's blasting, my
stomach's quivering...
Arr! (laughs)
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
See, it's not unlike what the ancient
Greeks felt during a dithyramb.
Dithyramb? Mm-hmm.
How do you spell that?
Well, let's just say a poem
with wild and irregular rhythms.
Let's just say that. Right.
The dithyramb actually was
a prelude to Greek theater.
There was much stylized
dancing and chanting
as 50 naked men danced
to the beat of a drum.
I think there's a place like
that down by the airport.
One of my favorite dithyrambs
actually is quite similar to the chorus
in a play by Aeschylus.
"Give ear to my dithyramb. Ho!"
"My flesh crawls while
I listen to them pray.
"The day of doom
has waited long.
"Oh, pain, grown into the race
"and blood-dripping stroke
"and grinding cry
of disaster moaning
and impossible weight to bear."
(banging)
Hmm. I am cleansed.
These guys would do that naked?
(cheers and applause)
Thank you all.
Thank you all.
(men) Ar-ar! Ar-ar yourselves.
Cut it out. Welcome to the show.
We have a very special
program. I'm Tim Taylor.
Of course, this is my assistant
Al "I Wish I Could Be
Tim Taylor" Borland.
(laughs)
Like I said, we have a
very special show today.
You mean, you're not
going to break anything, Tim?
Maybe just your contract, fella.
Last time, if you remember,
we saw Janeen Rae
Heller play her saw.
That's right.
You remember seeing
Janeen play the saw?
Yes, Tim, I've seen her saw.
So, you say you saw her saw.
Yes, I saw her saw.
So?
So now you're saying
you saw her sew.
Not so. I've seen her saw.
I see. Well, enough
of that nonsense.
Anyway, after the show,
we got a terrific letter from the
guys at K&B Construction Company.
Boy, were they pumped.
They wrote me, and I
was excited to see 'em,
so I've invited them
down here to Tool Time,
and I want you all to give
a big Tool Time welcome
to the boys from K&B
Construction, Bay City, Michigan...
Rock, Dwayne, Pete and Juke!
(cheers and applause)
It's really nice to have... It's
nice to have you back again.
Great to be back, Timmy.
Listen, we were so inspired by
Janeen's performance on that saw,
next day we went
out to the job site
and just started listening to the
sounds of the tools around us.
We kept hearing
the reverberation
of steel on steel... Oh, yeah.
Sledgehammers crackin'
concrete... Ar-ar-ar!
And jackhammers bustin' cement!
(Juke) Yes!
Yeah, it was a
veritable cacophony,
culminating in a
creative crescendo.
(laughs)
Timmy, it was amazing.
Old Juke here whipped
out his mouth harp,
started playing along
with those sounds.
Musical magic was happening
right there, way above the traffic.
You guys making music like
that reminds me of a dithyramb.
You know, that Greek thing
where 50 guys get out naked
and dance in a field? Ha!
You know what...
You know what I mean.
Well, we don't have
time for that, Tim.
See, we only get
an hour off for lunch.
(clears throat) Rock,
what do you have for us?
Oh, well, uh, Timmy,
the guys and I
have formed a band.
I'll be playing the angle
grinder and a 55-gallon drum.
Tim, I'm gonna be on the
galvanized piping chimes
and also on the anvil.
Tim, I'll be on the trash can,
the gas cans and the wrench.
In fact, Tim, I am the
entire rhythm section.
And, Timmy, the lovely Janeen
is back to fill in the melody.
(cheers and applause)
Oh, God. Oh.
Janeen, thank you for
returning to the show.
Why don't you sit right here?
Oh, God, my body's quivering
right now just thinking about this.
People like this build together
to build a band that
plays with only tools.
I guess, Al, we could
call this "heavy metal."
I don't think so, Tim,
but I do find them riveting.
That's a good one, Al.
Hey, Timmy, you're
gonna love this.
We wrote this one just for you.
We call it "The
Ratchet Rhapsody."
We-e-e-ell.
Making their television
debut right here on Tool Time,
K&B and the boys and Janeen.
Rock, let's roll!
Pete!
That would be me.
1! 2!
1, 2, 3!
(blowing)
(audience clapping along)
♪ Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-da-da
♪ Ba-ba-da-ba-da
♪ Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-da-da
♪ Ba-da
♪ Ba-da-ba-da-da-da ♪
(Rock) Come on,
Pete! Take it, Pete!
(audience) Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Al!
(audience cheering)
(men) Whoa!
(Rock) Oh, yeah!
Thank you! Thank you!
Ar-ar-ar!
Thank you. Thank you!
Whoo!
OK, Tim, are you ready?
Yeah, Dad, we want
to listen to the speakers.
Prepare to be amazed.
I've got 500 watts running
through this bad boy.
500 watts?
Is it safe for us
to be sitting here?
It's as safe as any
other job I've done.
OK, boys, let's go. Hey, hey,
hey, hey, come back here!
I mean it. Sit down here.
All right, Ms. Negativity,
prepare yourself for a
lovely Sunday afternoon
at the Metropolitan Opera
in beautiful Surround Sound.
(♪ opera soprano)
I'll adjust the acoustic
level to "concert hall."
(volume rises)
Whoa, that's wonderful, Tim,
but... turn it down.
I'm trying, damn it.
It's stuck. (blows)
(woman singing higher notes)
I talked to the insurance agent.
I hope they're
gonna pay for this.
Yeah, they are, but they're
doubling our deductible.
Why?
They seem to think that
you're accident-prone.
Where are they
getting that idea?
Well, Tim, just stop
and think about it.
Al, I was gonna get to that.
Lawn ho!
(crash)
Whoo!
Whoa!
Aah!
(grunts) Ayup.
I see. I get that point. I do.
Whoa!
Why don't I just open my shirt
and let him crawl right in, huh?
Uhh!
Ohh...
Ahh!
Lawn ho!
(crash)
And thus you have...
a beautifully decorated
nameplate for your home.
So when you come to my
door, whose house is it, Al?
Rolyat Mit.
All you gotta do is
read it, and it says...
"Rolyat Mit."
How did I screw that up?
Well, anyway, that's just one of
the uses for a scrolling saber saw.
Another way to make a scroll cut
is use your coping saw.
Say, Al, do you suppose
they call these coping saws
'cause they're good
at handling stress?
I don't think so, Rolyat.
Thanks, Al. I mean, La.
Anyway, all this week La
and I will be doing our salute...
(metal dings)
to saws.
Now, to most people,
saws just mean noise,
wood chips, and maybe
a missing finger or two.
(laughs) Not to me.
To me, a saw says
the sound of power,
something a man can relate to.
(grunting) Yeah, now
this bad boy is raw power.
"Uhh," yourselves, yeah.
This is a 3.5-cubic
inch chain saw.
Automatic oil,
manual chain style.
(grunts)
(rumbling)
Aah!
Yeah, you won't
have this thing too long
before you hear the wife going,
"Are you sure you're supposed to
have that running in the bedroom?!"
You want to cut
down on the noise,
put some tape across her mouth.
I'm kidding.
Al, the women know
I'm kidding, right?
That's Tim "He's
Not Kidding" Tay...
(motor stops)
Boy, I'm tired of that sign, Al.
Besides, the women
know I'm kidding.
If not, they're probably too
busy yapping to hear me anyway.
That's Tim Taylor,
care of Tool Time,
P.O. Box 327... Al.
3... Al...
Does the words "job search"
mean anything to you at all?
What I'm trying to say
here is that tools in general
don't just have to make
banging, crashing, sawing noises.
Tools can also make music.
(metal dings)
And to prove my point,
I've got a special guest
invited here to Tool Time.
So I expect a big
Tool Time welcome
for Miss Janeen Rae Heller!
(cheers and applause)
Hi, Janeen. This
is my assistant Al.
Oh, I'm a big fan of yours, Al.
Well, thanks for that. Why
don't you sit right down here?
As we all can plainly see,
Janeen's got an ordinary
Binford cross-cut saw,
which means we're gonna
have her build us a sun porch.
No, Tim, I'm gonna
be playing music.
Music to even the most sensitive
of ears. All right, hit it, Janeen.
Any requests? Well, maybe...
Uh, well, yes. I have one.
It's from my favorite movie.
Do you know the theme to Dumbo?
Tim, that's my favorite
movie about an elephant.
I would like to hear
"Greensleeves."
Oh, let's party.
I know that.
(♪ "Greensleeves")
(sobbing)
(♪ hard rock)
Would you turn
that down, please?
What?
Turn it down. It's
hurting my ears.
Hurt your ears? I
barely have it on.
Turn it down, turn it
down... You'll break the...
(lowers volume)
See? Isn't that much better?
Is the stereo on, hon?
Tim, when you listen to it
that loud, it just sounds terrible.
Music is to be experienced.
That's why you
got to crank it up.
Isn't that better?
No.
(pop, crackle, hum/ music stops)
Oh, I don't believe this.
What's wrong? I think I blew
out the woofer in these things.
Well, can you fix that?
You know, these are old.
Why don't we buy new speakers?
No. No, no, no...
Think about it. They're great.
I been reading a
lot about speakers.
They're changing.
Five-way bass reflex, right?
Triple-crossover networks.
It excites me so much when
you talk about conductors,
high response... Jill...
megahertz, tweeters...
You got a minute?
Woofers. You got a minute now?
Can I speak for just one
second here? All right.
They're new. Everything's
got magnetic dampening
to cooling, mini-tweeters.
They got aluminum
diaphragms now in 'em.
You just rest. I'm going down to
Lucky G's Stereo and check it out.
You're not gonna buy
anything but speakers, right?
Nothing else. No. No.
Well, maybe look at amps.
Digital audio's out. Kinda cool.
You stay here. I'll
go buy the speakers.
(whistles) Jill, please, please,
please, please, please stay here.
You go, you'll end up getting
matching woodgrain and a soft décor
to go with carpets, chairs
and linoleum. Mm-hmm.
Men's speakers.
That's what I'm after.
Speakers with attitude.
Speakers that haven't shaved
in a couple of days, that's it.
Before you get all
these hairy speakers,
I want you to stop
and think to yourself,
"What would Jill
want me to buy?"
I always do that.
Well, listen this
time. All right.
I'll buy sensible speakers,
but... we could upgrade the amp,
I could boost the
power and rewire...
No boosting, no rewiring. I just want
something simple that I can turn on.
Like me.
Not that simple.
Dad, are these good speakers?
You bet. The best.
Dual concentric design
speaker elements
with the tweeter
inside the woofer.
Woof!
OK, you get the
doughnuts. I'll distract Dad.
Hey, Dad.
Yes, son.
How's it going?
OK.
I got a question for you.
How do you build a house?
That's a good question.
All right, first you select the
site where you're gonna build.
Then you pick
the style of house,
and then you put the doughnuts
right back in the cupboard.
Aw, man.
Where you going?
I haven't finished.
Then you pour the foundation...
Later, Dad.
Dad, I found the instructions.
You said there weren't any.
(scoffs)
Real men don't use
instructions, son.
Besides, this is just the
manufacturer's opinion
of how to put this together.
We got a better way, don't we?
(grunts) Yeah! (grunts) Yeah!
While I got you, help me take these
boxes out to the garbage, all right?
Hi-de-ho, big neighbor
and little neighbor.
(both) Hi, Wilson.
Ah, I see you got yourself
some stereo equipment, Tim.
State of the art,
my friend. Mm-hmm.
I was looking for speakers,
but I ended up with a
whole entertainment center.
So you and Jill went
shopping together.
She couldn't make it, so
I'm hoping to surprise her.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm,
mm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm.
Wait till she sees
the CD player.
Eight times oversampling.
Holds 18 CDs.
We could party all night, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Your lovely wife
just came in, Tim,
and I think you're right.
She does look
surprised. (clears throat)
Well, Jill? What do you think?
How much did it cost?
Well, not a lot,
considering all the titanium...
How much?!
Well... nothing.
Actually, it's on
a five-day trial.
If you don't like it, you
get your money back.
I thought you were
gonna ask yourself,
"What would Jill
want me to buy?"
I asked her. This
is what she said.
Ohh... No, the-the salesman
down at the stereo place... Biff...
said... "Are you into opera?"
Oh, Biff asked you that? Yeah.
And he said that if you are,
you'd like the Dolby Pro
Logic Surround Sound.
Oh, I see. Yeah.
Huh. So you just bought
all this stuff for me.
Absolutely.
What is this thing right there?
Your new police scanner.
Gee, thanks, honey. It's
just what I always wanted.
Well, I was gonna wait for our
anniversary, but, you know...
It's a special time for me.
Why are you so obsessed
with all this gadgetry?
This is way too complicated.
This couldn't be
simpler. Oh, yeah?
OK, then you tell me,
how do I turn the TV on?
(scoffs) Piece of cake.
Set your pre-amp,
turn on your amp,
set VTR button to "TV,"
sound system acoustical or flat,
Dolby up one "C,"
flip on your monitor.
Tim, box it up, open the door,
put it in the car, take it back.
Look, I anticipated
your techno-fright.
Watch what I did.
I rewired the whole system
to be sound-sensitive.
What's that? Listen to this.
You just turn the
whole unit on, OK?
Now, you want the TV on?
Clap once.
(laughing) Come on.
(siren wailing/
dispatcher talking) See?
Oh, no, uh, TV's twice.
(♪ rock)
Three times TV. There...
OK, this won't do.
OK...
(all continue playing)
Just turn it all off.
Tim...
Turn off! Stop it!
Hello! Ho! Ho! Ho!
(clapping) Look, I have
a very technical solution.
Yah... It worked.
Tim? (Tim) Yeah?
Uh, I have a question about
this remote you installed,
where you clap. Uh-huh.
When we're watching the opera
tomorrow and the audience applauds,
will that turn the TV off?
Help me out and grab that
bare wire for me, will you, please?
Tim, I don't want
to be a nagging wife.
Well, then how
will I recognize you?
Ahh! All right, you're
loving and supporting.
Let go.
What are you, a mud
wrestler on the weekends?
(horn honks)
Mark, your ride is
here! Get a move on!
(♪ loud hard rock)
(turns music off)
"For the series
of your equipment,
"locate audio-in jack
and auxiliary output.
For VCR and CD,
reverse process or go..."
Ah, jeez. Do I go in from the
output or out from the input?
Hi-de-ho, neighbor. Hi, Wilson.
Did you get that sound
system hooked up yet?
Oh, yeah. Piece of cake, man.
Can I ask you a question?
Woof my tweeter, Tim.
(chuckles)
When you listen to your music,
do you have it up so
loud it rattles the walls?
Well, I used to, Tim, but nowadays
when I pound on the bongos that hard,
it just makes my palms sore.
Right.
Jill thinks I'm obsessed
with all this stereo technology.
Mm-hmm-hmm.
That's not it, you know.
I like the loud music,
but I like sound.
That's what I like.
I like 20 megahertz roaring
through my body, shaking my bladder.
My brain's blasting, my
stomach's quivering...
Arr! (laughs)
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
See, it's not unlike what the ancient
Greeks felt during a dithyramb.
Dithyramb? Mm-hmm.
How do you spell that?
Well, let's just say a poem
with wild and irregular rhythms.
Let's just say that. Right.
The dithyramb actually was
a prelude to Greek theater.
There was much stylized
dancing and chanting
as 50 naked men danced
to the beat of a drum.
I think there's a place like
that down by the airport.
One of my favorite dithyrambs
actually is quite similar to the chorus
in a play by Aeschylus.
"Give ear to my dithyramb. Ho!"
"My flesh crawls while
I listen to them pray.
"The day of doom
has waited long.
"Oh, pain, grown into the race
"and blood-dripping stroke
"and grinding cry
of disaster moaning
and impossible weight to bear."
(banging)
Hmm. I am cleansed.
These guys would do that naked?
(cheers and applause)
Thank you all.
Thank you all.
(men) Ar-ar! Ar-ar yourselves.
Cut it out. Welcome to the show.
We have a very special
program. I'm Tim Taylor.
Of course, this is my assistant
Al "I Wish I Could Be
Tim Taylor" Borland.
(laughs)
Like I said, we have a
very special show today.
You mean, you're not
going to break anything, Tim?
Maybe just your contract, fella.
Last time, if you remember,
we saw Janeen Rae
Heller play her saw.
That's right.
You remember seeing
Janeen play the saw?
Yes, Tim, I've seen her saw.
So, you say you saw her saw.
Yes, I saw her saw.
So?
So now you're saying
you saw her sew.
Not so. I've seen her saw.
I see. Well, enough
of that nonsense.
Anyway, after the show,
we got a terrific letter from the
guys at K&B Construction Company.
Boy, were they pumped.
They wrote me, and I
was excited to see 'em,
so I've invited them
down here to Tool Time,
and I want you all to give
a big Tool Time welcome
to the boys from K&B
Construction, Bay City, Michigan...
Rock, Dwayne, Pete and Juke!
(cheers and applause)
It's really nice to have... It's
nice to have you back again.
Great to be back, Timmy.
Listen, we were so inspired by
Janeen's performance on that saw,
next day we went
out to the job site
and just started listening to the
sounds of the tools around us.
We kept hearing
the reverberation
of steel on steel... Oh, yeah.
Sledgehammers crackin'
concrete... Ar-ar-ar!
And jackhammers bustin' cement!
(Juke) Yes!
Yeah, it was a
veritable cacophony,
culminating in a
creative crescendo.
(laughs)
Timmy, it was amazing.
Old Juke here whipped
out his mouth harp,
started playing along
with those sounds.
Musical magic was happening
right there, way above the traffic.
You guys making music like
that reminds me of a dithyramb.
You know, that Greek thing
where 50 guys get out naked
and dance in a field? Ha!
You know what...
You know what I mean.
Well, we don't have
time for that, Tim.
See, we only get
an hour off for lunch.
(clears throat) Rock,
what do you have for us?
Oh, well, uh, Timmy,
the guys and I
have formed a band.
I'll be playing the angle
grinder and a 55-gallon drum.
Tim, I'm gonna be on the
galvanized piping chimes
and also on the anvil.
Tim, I'll be on the trash can,
the gas cans and the wrench.
In fact, Tim, I am the
entire rhythm section.
And, Timmy, the lovely Janeen
is back to fill in the melody.
(cheers and applause)
Oh, God. Oh.
Janeen, thank you for
returning to the show.
Why don't you sit right here?
Oh, God, my body's quivering
right now just thinking about this.
People like this build together
to build a band that
plays with only tools.
I guess, Al, we could
call this "heavy metal."
I don't think so, Tim,
but I do find them riveting.
That's a good one, Al.
Hey, Timmy, you're
gonna love this.
We wrote this one just for you.
We call it "The
Ratchet Rhapsody."
We-e-e-ell.
Making their television
debut right here on Tool Time,
K&B and the boys and Janeen.
Rock, let's roll!
Pete!
That would be me.
1! 2!
1, 2, 3!
(blowing)
(audience clapping along)
♪ Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-da-da
♪ Ba-ba-da-ba-da
♪ Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-da-da
♪ Ba-da
♪ Ba-da-ba-da-da-da ♪
(Rock) Come on,
Pete! Take it, Pete!
(audience) Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!
Al!
(audience cheering)
(men) Whoa!
(Rock) Oh, yeah!
Thank you! Thank you!
Ar-ar-ar!
Thank you. Thank you!
Whoo!
OK, Tim, are you ready?
Yeah, Dad, we want
to listen to the speakers.
Prepare to be amazed.
I've got 500 watts running
through this bad boy.
500 watts?
Is it safe for us
to be sitting here?
It's as safe as any
other job I've done.
OK, boys, let's go. Hey, hey,
hey, hey, come back here!
I mean it. Sit down here.
All right, Ms. Negativity,
prepare yourself for a
lovely Sunday afternoon
at the Metropolitan Opera
in beautiful Surround Sound.
(♪ opera soprano)
I'll adjust the acoustic
level to "concert hall."
(volume rises)
Whoa, that's wonderful, Tim,
but... turn it down.
I'm trying, damn it.
It's stuck. (blows)
(woman singing higher notes)
I talked to the insurance agent.
I hope they're
gonna pay for this.
Yeah, they are, but they're
doubling our deductible.
Why?
They seem to think that
you're accident-prone.
Where are they
getting that idea?
Well, Tim, just stop
and think about it.
Al, I was gonna get to that.
Lawn ho!
(crash)
Whoo!
Whoa!
Aah!
(grunts) Ayup.
I see. I get that point. I do.
Whoa!
Why don't I just open my shirt
and let him crawl right in, huh?
Uhh!
Ohh...
Ahh!
Lawn ho!
(crash)