Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 22 - Luck Be a Taylor Tonight - full transcript

All this week, Al and I have done
our Tool Time salute to painting.

And I got to thinking about
something a little disjointed.

Women have been telling me
they think men are insensitive,

that we don't listen, and, boy, that
really irks me. How about you, Al?

Well, Tim...

That's exactly my point, Al.

You know, men are
sensitive to other things.

For instance,

when a woman sees a hot
rod, what does she see? A car.

When a man sees a hot rod,

he sees all the love and care it
took to make the details of the hot rod.



To illustrate my point, I've
invited a good friend of mine,

Fred Axelby from Axelby Street
Rods, down here on the show.

He's actually the one that motivated
me to build my own hot rod. Ar-ar-ar.

Let's get him out here with
a big Tool Time welcome.

Lisa, bring him on out.

Big hand. Come on.

There you go, Tim.

Thank you, Lisa. Fred,
good to have you here.

Great to be here,
Tim. Good deal.

What are we gonna
do on the next show?

Tim, first, we're going to apply

120 coats of
hand-rubbed lacquer.

Do you suppose a fender has
120 coats because it's cold? Ha.

I really doubt it, Tim.



It sounds like a
lot of work, though.

It is, Tim, but it's worth it
if you're a real detail man.

Details. See, it's
exactly my point.

Well, there is one detail, Tim.

Al, we don't have any
more time for details.

Join me next time when
we put this fender back...

We just put that
primer on backstage.

Was that the detail, Al?

Yes, it was, Tim.

Well, anyway, thanks
for being with us.

I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor

hoping all your lacquer
finishes are glossy.

See ya next time. Ar-ar-ar.

Ar-ar-ar.

Tim, a little thinner'll
take that right off.

Great. Good night, Lisa.

Listen, I got some bad
news. Murray called.

He can't make the
poker game tonight.

Oh, no. We can't
play with three men.

Well, maybe we
should call it off.

No, we're not calling it off.

I don't care if I have to
drag some idiot off the street.

Excuse me, Tim.

Al, hey, we need a fourth
player for our poker game tonight.

You wanna join us?

Oh, I haven't played
in about ten years.

Perfect. Perfect.

Why don't you come
over about 7:30, then?

OK. Who's playing?

Be Fred, myself, you and
Charlie, my brother-in-law.

I think you've met him.

Oh, just the guys, huh? You bet.

OK, well, what should I wear?

Well, Al, I can't speak
for Fred or Charlie,

but I'd like to see you in
something simple yet revealing.

What you're say
is, it doesn't matter.

That's what I'm saying, unless
you get an evening dress...

I'll see you 7:30. OK, buddy.

Oh, that smells.

Do we have to eat it?

No, honey, this isn't food.

I'm gonna give myself a
facial tonight before I go to bed.

Will you stir this for me? Hi.

Hi. I got everything
I need. Chips, soda.

All ready for that poker
game. Whoa-ho-ho-ho.

Looks like your
mom made some dip.

Don't eat that!

I know, it's for the company.

Is that your mother's recipe?

No, it's not a dip. It's
an organic face mask.

(pretends to vomit)

See, what I do is I put this in
the refrigerator for a little while,

and then, when I put it on my
face, it makes it all pretty and tight.

It looks just like this...

Hi, everybody. I'm so beautiful.

Hey, Mom, can Brad
and I stay home tonight?

No. It's poker night.
Men only, no children.

But, Dad, Mom and Aunt Robin

want to take us to
an arts-and-crafts fair.

Great. It's a good thing to do.

Men's handiwork. Craftsmen.
Men. Wood. You'll love it.

Oh, man.

Tim, if the boys don't wanna go,

maybe we should
all just stay home.

No. When you sister gets
here, she goes, Charlie stays.

It's a man's night tonight.

Man's night.

Yeah, man's night...

Cigars, smoke,
scratching parts of you,

burping, body noises
without any kind of apology.

(girlish voice) "Oh,
excuse me. I'm sorry."

How is that different
from any other night?

Well, there'll be other
men doing it with me.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it. Charlie, open
your wallet right now,

'cause I got the...

Hi, Robin. Where's Charlie?

Last time I saw my husband,

he was on the corner
of Fulton and Fourth.

Why?

He said he'd rather
walk than let me drive,

so I took off with him.

We were supposed
to play poker tonight.

Tim, I think she's upset.

How can you think about poker
when my marriage is falling apart?

I figure if it's falling apart,

I better win something from
Charlie before the alimony starts.

Tim, you are an
insensitive cretin.

You're right. Dip?

Tim!

(pounding on door) Robin! Robin!

Are you nuts?

Charlie. Hey, Tim.

I told you you can drive here.
Why did you leave me there?

I didn't like your attitude.

Charlie, what happened?

I was driving over here, and
she started nagging on me.

"Let me drive. Let me drive."

So I pull over, I get out of
the car so she can scoot over,

and she took off on me.

(whistles) Buddy,
a little advice.

When you're arguing in the
car, don't get out. Ha-ha-ha.

For your information,
I wasn't nagging!

Oh... what do you call that
screaming in my ear for 14 blocks, Rob?

Oh, God, it's started.
They'll be at this for hours.

Get your sister out of the
house so we can play cards.

Tim, she's my
sister. I gotta help her.

Take her to that craft fair, knit a
rug, blow some glass, I don't care,

but get her out of the house.

We'll get them out as soon
as they calm down, OK?

Dad, Aunt Robin locked
herself in our bathroom.

Does that mean we're not gonna
go to the arts-and-crafts fair?

You're going to the
arts-and-crafts fair

as soon as your Aunt
Robin is ready to go.

Robin, gimme those keys!

No.

I want them now.

OK, fine, you want your keys...

There are your keys.

Aunt Robin, are we still
going to the arts-and-crafts fair?

No, honey, I'm not
going anywhere.

(both) Yeah, we're
not going to the fair!

Great.

I can't believe she threw
my keys into the bushes.

Yeah, that must've been 30 feet.

She always had a real good arm.

Maybe I ought to find my
keys and get out of here.

No. The guys' poker game is the
last thing you got left in your life.

Don't give up everything to her.

I've only been married 23 days,

and every day, it's been the
same thing... nag, nag, nag.

"Pick up your socks, pick up your
underwear, pick up your dishes."

Charlie, pick up your keys.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Let me tell you
something about women.

Women are a product
of their mothers

and their mothers before that
and their mothers before that.

This nagging is a genetic thing.
It goes way back, you know?

Maybe the caveman days.

The Serengeti's quiet, you can hear
a pin drop, but out of a cave hole...

(feminine voice) Hey, Grog,
get your hairy butt out of that bed.

Did you drag this
wildebeest across this floor?

I been down on my
knuckles and knees all day!

I washed your
loincloth this morning.

Use some leaves, will ya?

(normal voice) Why do you
think men invented the wheel?

So we could leave
home now and then.

It's crazy. All right, my deal.

Seven-card stud. Everybody ante.

Why do they call it stud?

I think it's because
you're here, Al.

(laughter)

Charlie, you should've seen

this '40s Chevy project
I was working on.

Oh, that pick-up
down at your shop.

It's lime green, metal flake,
about a mile-deep paint job.

This thing is unbelievable.

454... 454...

Tunnel ram, dual
quads, polished heads...

350 turbo trans,
ten-inch torque converter.

I mean, a sweet piece of metal.

This it right here... men
talking, cigar smoke, cars.

Ar-ar-ar-ar!

Don't mind me.
I'm getting a soda.

You're not down here to get
a soda. You're down here...

Charlie, please. Robin, this is
the third soda in ten minutes.

Jill and I are thirsty.
Do you have any chips?

Yeah. There you
go. Want some dip?

Ha-ha-ha.

Chips'll be fine.

(Tim flicks the cards)

Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting
the game if you don't apologize.

Hey, never apologize.

It's admitting you're wrong.

I have never once
apologized to any woman.

Freddie, how many times
you been married? Three.

Why do you suppose that is?

I can't find a woman
who understands me.

Let me jump in here, if I could.

Charlie, Jill and I have
been married 12 years.

Good marriage for one reason.

Every day, I get up, look her in
the eyes and say, "Jill, I'm sorry."

For what?

Everything. Just being a
man, having an Adam's apple,

just breathing, that's it.

Why should I apologize?
She's the one who drove off.

It doesn't matter
who's at fault here.

If you don't apologize,
we're not gonna play cards.

Robin? What?

Come on down here. Charlie
wants to say something to you.

Now, when you apologize to a
woman, just look at the floor and nod.

All right, all right.

You know, the apology might be
more effective if you really meant it.

Ha-ha.

Guess which one of us
at this table's not married.

Boom.

You wanted to say something?

I'm... sorry.

Good apology.

Very good.

Honey, I shouldn't
have driven off.

Oh, that's OK.

So, from now on, when I
want to drive the car, I can?

Hey, I said I was
sorry, not stupid.

Oh, no!

Quarter to you.

(mutters)

All right.

I fold.

Really? You folded
every hand tonight, Al.

I prefer to be cautious.

There's a reason
they call it gambling, Al.

I'll call.

OK. Two pair. Queens and eights.

Man, I haven't had a
decent hand all night.

Well, I haven't seen Robin for
a while. Maybe she's OK now.

Mm-mmm, no, she's not OK.

Hey, I know I'm a bit of a slob,

but she used to think it was
cute before we were married,

and now I can't
get her off my back.

You want her off your back?

Do something
unexpected, like the laundry,

but make sure she
knows you're doing it.

"Honey, where's
the fabric softener?

I'm doing the laundry!"

And then when you
start mumbling, like,

"I can't seem to get the whites
as clean as you get 'em, hon."

They love that stuff.

Tim, the trouble
with your whites

may be you're not presoaking.

Thank you, Al.

Let's ante up.

All right.

You know, I been
married 12 years,

and the reason I have a good marriage
is because of one word... compromise.

Who does all the compromising
in a relationship? Men.

It's always 60/40. Now
let's play some cards.

Three kings. Is that good?

I fold. Me, too.

I fold.

I like everything
to be 5-0, 5-0.

I like a he to be a he
and a she to be a she.

Robbie, can I give you
just a little piece of advice?

Oh, no.

Well, you're gonna
hear it, anyway.

(turns off TV)

Marriage is about one
thing... compromise

and guess who gets to
do most of that. We do.

It's 70/30.

Unless you count child birth.
Then it's 97/3. Yeah, I know.

Listen, you need to learn
to let some things go,

because you know you make
everything such a big deal.

Just eliminate the things
that drive you the craziest.

That would be Charlie.

He is such a slob, Jill.

He leaves his
clothes on the floors,

wet towels on the bed.

I wish he was more like Tim.

Ahh...

At least Tim helps you
out around the house.

Of course he
does. I trained him.

Without me, he'd still
be in the backyard,

eating out of a trough.

How did you train him?

Well, first, I got
rid of the trough.

Come on, what did you do?

I just used positive
reinforcement.

You remember that puppy
that Dad brought home

that we had so much
trouble housebreaking?

Puddles? Yeah.

I did the same stuff with
Tim that we did with Puddles.

This is good. You taught
him to roll over and play dead?

No. Tim already
knew how to do that.

All right, a quarter
to you. I'm in.

I'm in. Me, too.

(all) Al folds.

I'm in.

You don't say. Welcome to
the game. It's about damn time.

How much is the
most you can raise?

Heh. There's a $3 limit,
Daddy Warbucks, but...

OK, I raise that.

You must have
something good. I'm out.

I'm out. You better
have something good.

I'm sticking. What
do you have, Al?

A flush. All black
cards. Read 'em and cry!

Ahem. I hate to
burst your bubble, Al,

but a flush is
all the same suit,

clubs, diamonds...

all the same something.

Oh. Then I fold.

Ante up. Let's play.

Jill and I have been talking,

and I realize your
car means a lot to you,

and I think we
should discuss it.

In a minute, Rob.

No, we need to talk now.

Unbelievable. You
wait till I get three aces.

I fold.

I fold. I fold.

Oh, oh...

Thanks a lot, Rob. You
blew the whole hand.

I guess I'm the only one
worried about this relationship.

Come on, I'm not worried
about the relationship.

I thought the best thing
about being married

was knowing we're always
gonna be there to work it out.

You mean that?

Yes.

You're not mad
about the three aces?

No, but I'm crazy
about The Four Tops.

I missed you, cupcake.

I missed you, too, pookie.

Now we got that over with,
can we play cards now, Chuck?

You wanna go home? Let's go.

Charlie, where you going?
We're playing cards here.

See you next month, Tim.

Good night,
Charlie. Bye, Charlie.

We can't play with
three guys. Charlie!

Maybe Jill would
like to join us.

No, she wouldn't.

Oh, thanks, Al. I love poker.

You can't sit down at this table unless
you can bench-press 150 pounds.

Oh...

Al, sit down.

Come on, Tim, I can play poker.

You want Chicago,
High-Low, Anaconda, what?

What's Anaconda?

It's a snake, Al.
Shut up for a minute.

You can't play at this table

unless you know the compression
ratio of a 327 Chevy engine.

Boy, you are really
tough on your wife.

Oh, talk about it, Mr. Three
Alimony Payment Man.

I'm very good to my wife.

Then you should let her play.

Yeah, that's right.

OK, great. Let's
lift up the felt,

put down some doilies,
get the sewing machine out.

This was supposed to be
men playing poker tonight.

You can't play poker
with three people.

How about Canasta?

Now you're talkin'.

Arr!

Wilson, could I
ask you a question?

I believe you just did, Tim.

Heard a lot of noise

coming from your house tonight.

Yeah, it's Jill's sister and her husband.
Newlyweds. They're always fighting.

(snickers) Well, I seem to
remember a couple of newlyweds

that moved in next door to me

that I thought would
never stop fighting.

Jill and I. Boy, is that odd.

We been married 12 years, and I still get
so mad at her, just 'cause she's a woman.

Well, so what is your question?

How do women and
men even stay together?

It has to do with
barb wire, Tim.

Uhh?

As a boy, I used to spend
summers at my Uncle Leonard's farm.

At the edge of his property,
he had a huge oak tree.

Running through the middle of that
tree was an old barbed-wire fence.

It went right through the tree?

Right through the
middle of the tree.

When a tree is planted close to
a fence, it has nowhere to grow.

As it expands and grows bigger,

it extends over the fence
and slowly envelops the wire.

The two separate entities
gradually become one.

Huh. Am I the tree
or the barbed wire?

Well, I don't think
you're the tree, Tim.

Ha-ha-ha.

Aw, the point is,

the two were joined
without destroying the tree

or losing the
integrity of the fence.

It's almost as if
they... belong together.

Like Jill and me.

Oh...

Well, I don't know, Tim,

but it looks like
everything in the universe

is in harmony tonight.

Not quite yet, Wilson.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry your poker night
turned out to be a bust.

Well, it certainly
wasn't your fault,

and I do apologize
for being so rough.

It's just that sometimes
I don't know where

my fence ends and
your tree begins.

Huh?

I just wanted one night of
playing poker with the guys.

With the guys.

That was it.

Well, I think I can
give that to you.

Just call me Murray.

So how about those Pistons?
Think they'll win the series?

You're pathetic.

What's the game? Depends
on what we're playing.

High card.

What are the stakes?

Winner has to kiss the loser.

Murray...

I had no idea.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I'm in.

All right. Oh...

Come here, Murray.

Get rid of that cigar.

Before we go, let's take
one last look at this fender.

Boy, that hard
work paid off, Al.

We applied 120 coats
of lacquer. Mm-mm-mm.

We, Tim? Well, you did
the first layer of lacquer.

I did the next 119.

Well, like I said, between
us, we applied 120 coats.

You know, this fender
reminds me of a good marriage.

Stick with me on this one. All you see
on the outside is a shiny lacquer finish.

You don't know about the hard work
that went into it, like a good marriage.

You see a good
marriage on the outside,

but don't know about the
hard work that went into it.

The enamel finish
and the marriage,

both need hard work and dedication
to make them come out right.

The only difference
is... ha-ha-ha...

you want your mother-in-law
to steer clear of your marriage,

but right in front of your
fender. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Just kidding, Donna. Ha-ha.

That's it for me, Tim "The Tool
Man" Taylor, with my buddy Al,

saying so long, see
you next time. Ar-ar-ar.

Why are men so loud?

I think the testosterone
affects their hearing.

I just attached my
TV to my stereo.

80 watts a channel,
and I still can't listen to it.

The wife's always going,
"Turn it down, turn it down."

Got the remote. "Wish I
could turn you down that easy."

What is it with women
and loud music?

I think it's the estrogen.