Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 21 - A Battle of Wheels - full transcript

Mom, I can't find the hose.

What do you want it for, anyway?

Uh, nothing. Just
something to do.

Why don't you read a book?

You can't make mud
with a book. Mud?

We're playing commandos, putting
mud on our faces for camouflage.

No mud.

(both) Aw, man!

Wait a second. Wait a second.

You really want your
faces dirty? (both) Yeah.

OK, come here.



(imitating car engine) All
right, take a sharp right.

All right, watch out for
pedestrians and the refrigerator.

Got it, Dad. Beep-beep.

Hey, guys. (both) Hi, Dad.

What, are you giving
each other facials?

No. We're playing commandos.

What, are you attacking a
beauty salon or something?

(laughs) Hi, honey.

The auto parts god... Gear
Shift... has shined on me.

I found this today
at the junkyard.

(grunts)

(laughs)

That's my woman.

Woman, watch your man
weld. Fire. Metal. Heat. Ar-ar-ar.



Oh, Tim, look out
for the po... (crash)

pottery wheel.

Ohh, that had to hurt.

Try it, tell me what you think.

Mark, I think maybe you should go
play commandos with your big bros.

Wow. Cool.

What's this doing in the garage?

I thought we wanted
to put it in the basement.

We were, but I can't
work down there.

Oh, come on. It'll be quiet.
The kids won't go down there.

Ugh. It's just damp,

and there are bugs.

Well, I'll get you a sponge
and an anteater or something.

No, look, my
pottery teacher said

that I should work where the
creative energy feels the strongest,

and since Paris is
out of the question,

I picked the garage,
and I really like it.

Well, I don't think it's
creative energy you're sensing.

This is grease
energy, it's man energy,

and it's... Oh, it's tough,
even for a woman like you.

This would suck the estrogen
right out of you, honey.

What you really mean
is that it's your garage,

and I don't belong here.

What I really mean
is, it's our garage,

and you don't belong out here.

Yeah, I see.

Now, didn't we agree to put
this in the basement, hon?

OK. You got it. Move it.

Great. Get the
door for me. All right.

How many guys
brought this in here?

Just one little skinny guy.

OK.

(grunting)

Tim, you're gonna
hurt your back.

You need to lift with your legs.

Is that what he did?

No, he had a forklift. Oh!

Honey...

Look, your area
is way over there.

Mine is way over here.

If I bother you, you can
just tell me, and I'll leave.

Good. Jill? What?

You're bothering me.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

I'm kidding. We'll
share the garage. Good.

I was just concerned
about your safety.

I gotta put on the
steering box today,

and you know what that means?

Welding.

Sparks, heat,

noise, sweat.

Wow. We should have
welded on our honeymoon.

Once you've
installed your drawer,

it's always a good idea to
slide it in a couple times...

Uhh. Oh? Rrah!

Just to make sure it's
seated properly on the track.

You can always be confident now,

because the stop will
prevent the drawer... Oh!

Jeez, Al! Thanks, Warren.

Al, you didn't get
the stop in there.

I believe that
was your job, Tim.

Al, I believe
you're my assistant.

You're supposed to
check up my work, right?

That's what a good
assistant does, right, Al?

A good assistant does
a lot more than that, Tim.

You're right, Al,

and that's why Al and I
plan these minor slip-ups...

to demonstrate the importance
of how a good assistant

can prevent accidents like this.

Isn't that right, Al?

I don't think so, Tim.

I think what Al means

is, if you're not careful
and watch your step,

you can screw
up just like Al did.

Tool Time tip...
Don't be like Al.

See you next time, everybody.

(Lisa) Bye, guys.

Night, Lisa. Good night, Lisa.

Night, Al.

Al?

What's the matter, Allie?

Oo-hoo.

Aw, women troubles again, huh?

Come on, tell me.
What's the matter?

If you don't know, I'm
not going to tell you.

Well, if you won't tell
me, how do I know?

Tim, you embarrassed me today.

Oh, that's no big deal. I
always embarrass you.

Hey, the audience
knows I'm kidding around.

I've gotten used to the fact
that you don't respect me...

That's not true.

But sometimes your
constant clowning

is a mockery of
home improvement.

A mockery?

Yes. And sometimes it's just
a little more than I can bear.

Oh, come on, Al,

you're not gonna cry, are you?

I might.

I take my work seriously.
All you do is crack jokes.

Crack jokes? Well, the
way you bend over like that...

Well, you see, now, that's
what I'm talking about.

Al, this show's
part entertainment.

It takes a lot of skill to entertain the
audience while we do our projects.

Anyone can do what you do.

Oh, really? Do you think
you can do what I do?

Oh, please, how hard can it be

to tell bad jokes and
screw up all the time?

A lot harder than it looks.

That isn't all that you
think I do, do you?

Yes.

And so do most of your viewers.

Hey, I got an idea, Al.

This is one you're gonna like.

Next time, why don't
you try to host the show

and I'll try to be
the assistant?

You really mean that?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

We'll call it Tool Time With Al "I
Take My Job Seriously" Borland.

Fine.

Fine.

Fine! Fine!

(softly) Fine.

(door closes) Hide!

Aw, man. Where'd everybody go?

Guess I have to do that welding

all by myself.

Oh, that's a thirsty job.

I'll get a big drink of water

before I go back
out to the garage.

Aah! Aah!

Stop! No fair! Cut it out.

You surrender, or
more squirts here?

You're not allowed to
squirt water in the house.

Yeah, we're gonna tell Mom.

Ooh, commando's
gonna tell his mommy.

Yeah, you're gonna get in
real big trouble. Oh, am I?

My word against yours? Who
do you think she's gonna believe?

Them. Wha...? Oh, honey.

Stop squirting that thing. Hey!

Get some towels
and clean this up!

Oh, I don't know
where they get this.

I do. Honey, honey...

Put 'em up. All right,
I'm your prisoner.

Do what you will
to me over and over.

Let's face it, Tim.

With you, once
it's over, it's over.

Come here. I wanna
show you something.

Ta-da! What do you think?

Wow. Whatever it is,

it's one of the finest
examples I've ever seen.

No, no, it's a bowl.

No, Jill, it's... it's so
much more than that.

(laughs) No, come on. This
is not as easy as it looks.

This is the first thing I've
gotten to stay standing up.

I'm so proud of it.

(sniffs)

What's that smell?

Oh, um, it's some
lavender potpourri.

Lavender potpourri.

This is the garage, not
the Liberace Museum.

Just go back to your
hot rod and shut up.

(crackling)

(♪ opera)

Jill, I can't work
with this noise.

How can you call that noise?

(singing along)

That's not noise, that's
a proctology exam.

(music stops) Hey! Come on!

Honey, honey, ooh,
ix-nay, ix-nay iggay-ay...

You remember you promised if
you were bothering me, you'd leave?

I'm not bothering you.

Yes, you are. Well,
don't be silly. I am not.

If I say you're bothering
me, you're bothering me.

Well, then, you leave.

I'm building my
hot rod out here.

Oh, and I'm just
playing with clay.

Yeah. Well, well...

Oh, so your stuff is more
important than my stuff?

No, but at least
it's garage-y stuff.

You know? It's cars,
it's tools, it's grease.

It's not this little
artsy... Ohh.

I can fix th...

Hey, look at that.

I'm...

Mark, come out of there.

Did your brothers
do this to you again?

I can't tell you. Randy
told me not to. Let me see.

Don't untie me,
Mom. I'm a prisoner.

It's the only way they'll
let me play with them.

Jill, I fixed the pot.

You're not the only
genius in the family.

(Jill) Thanks.

Well...

it's not perfect, but it's
pretty close to the original.

Did you break a pot, too?

He's escaped! Book it!

Hey! Come back here.

Randy, did you do this to him?

The truth.

Well, I tied him up, but
Brad put him in the closet.

Hey, she didn't ask
anything about me.

Now untie him.

Come on, Mark.

I didn't tell on you.

She found me.

Jill, what is this? This is
a garage-use timetable.

Since we can't share
the garage together,

I thought we should
share it separately.

Honey, I don't have
any time on there.

I gave you plenty of spaces.

Oh, what, like between two
and three on Tuesdays? I work.

Oh, that's right.

Well, I'll just take that
space, too. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

I love this between 12 and 6am.

That's when we sleep together.

Now you're catching on, big boy.

I should have never let you
into my garage in the first place.

Aha! Your garage.
The truth comes out.

Honey, you know what I mean. I got
the hot rod here. I got my tool bench.

I've already given you a
place for the washing machines.

I guess I should be grateful

that you let me
come into your garage

to do your laundry.

What I'm trying to get
at is this is a man zone.

Where is the woman zone, Tim?

All I got is the garage. You got
the whole rest of the damn house.

To do what, clean?

No. Knit, sew, cook, vacuum...

I'm kidding, I'm
kidding, I'm kidding.

Ow! So am I.

And now Binford Tools is
proud to present Tool Time...

with its very special guest
host Al "the Tool Man" Borland.

(cheers and applause)

Hi!

Hi.

And... And welcome to Tool Time,

the show with more power.

Or!

Uh, you all know
my guest assistant,

Tim "the Assistant Man" Taylor.

Tim and I are going to
be showing you today

the proper method
of installing...

uh, decorative molding

around the interior
of a doorway.

Thank you, Lisa.

(knocks)

Jeez, Al.

Uh, Tim, do you suppose

if Little Miss Muffet
went through there,

instead of a doorway,

they'd call it a
"curds and whey"?

(snorts)

I don't think so, Al.

Why not?

That's Al "I Take My
Job Seriously" Borland...

OK. So, uh, the most
common decorative molding

are the casings which go
around the doors and windows

and the baseboards...

Thank you, Tim...

which go on the, uh,
uh, the... they go...

Bottom?

Bottom of the walls!

And the crown molding,
which, of course, go up on...

Oh...

Could I assist
you with that, Al?

No, thank you, Tim.

We could use a staple gun
right to your Adam's apple, Al.

And, you know,
speaking of staple guns,

the, uh... do you suppose
that they call it a staple gun

because it shoots out staples?

Yes, I do, Al.

Well, I... I agree, Tim.

All right, first off,

we're gonna get to
our miter box here.

Ah, so, but first, I would like
to get something off my chest.

That tie?

Uh, I'm just...

I'm just a little
bit cheesed here.

The other day, I was
in the supermarket

and I was in the
frozen foods section,

and they had lima
beans, 3 for $1,

and I took four.

And the lady at the
checkout counter said,

"Hey, can't you count?"

Women, huh? Are
you with me on this?

Are you hot?

Al, I'm having a little trouble
with the compressor back here!

(compressor thumps)

(hiss hiss hiss)

Oh! I hope we didn't
scare anybody just then,

but it was Al's idea to
stage a little disaster like this

to demonstrate the
importance of keeping your

concentration at the
workplace, right, Al?

That's right, Tim.

We'll get to your molding, then.

Molding?

Yeah, the molding, Al.

You know, when I'm molding,
sometimes cutting in a miter,

I get splinters at
the end of my wood.

What would you
do about that, Al?

Well, you wanna take your tape
and tape the front of the molding

before you start your miter.

Thank you, Al.

No, thank you, Tim.

Hey, Al, do you suppose
they call this molding

because it's made out of stuff

that's been in the
refrigerator a little too long?

I don't think so, Tim.

Why don't we finish
that molding up

on the first part of this?

Ah-ah-ah!

Hey, don't do that to me!

What are you doing? Nothin'.

Nuh-uh. You're erasing
Mom's name from the chart.

I am not.

Are too. Why does it say "J..."?

Code red, code red. Run!

Go, go.

(laughter)

You better keep running.
I got a garden hose.

(Wilson) Hi-ho, good neighbor.

Hey, Wilson. What are you up to?

Just painting a self-portrait.

Yeah, of who?

Well, Tim, I believe
that would be of me.

Yeah? Can I see
what you got so far?

Sure, neighbor.

Mm? Mm-mm?

I got a question for you. Mind?

Well, Tim, I would never
give you the brush-off.

Jill is trying to take
over my garage.

Mm... I see. A coup de garage.

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

She just doesn't
understand. It's my garage.

It's always been my garage.
It's always gonna be my garage.

It's my zone.

It'll never be her garage
because it's mine, mine, mine.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

Well, Tim, men are
territorial by nature. Yeah.

When you describe the
garage as yours, yours, yours,

Jill's reaction is to protect
herself from feeling unwelcome.

Yeah, and I might have said
something to make her feel unwelcome.

Like what?

I told her to get out!

Well, Tim, that could
cause some friction.

Friction...

You have to understand, Tim...

life for women is connections,

a struggle to avoid isolation
and preserve intimacy.

Intimacy. Yeah, bingo.

Intimacy. That's
what it's all about.

Wilson, you're always right.

Ah, ah, ah, Tim.

Always is as dangerous
a word as never.

No, no, no. This
makes perfect sense.

Jill put that potter's
wheel in the garage

to be near me, to
spend more time with me.

Thanks, Wilson. (opens door)

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Listen, Jill, I think I
understand... Good.

You didn't let me
finish what I understand.

Doesn't matter. If you understand
something, that's enough for me.

I know why you put the
potter's wheel in the garage.

And why did I do that, Tim?

It's your struggle to isolation

to preserve friction.

What?

It's all about intimacy.

You just wanna spend
more time with me.

No, Tim. The reason I'm taking
pottery is so I can get away from you.

What?

I need some time alone.

This doesn't have
anything to do with intimacy?

No. I need some time and space

to do something that I
enjoy for myself, for me,

where I don't have to
think about you and the kids.

There's a fine how-do-you-do.

Well...

I always think about you.

Oh, really? Even when
you're watching football.

Especially when
I'm watching football.

I sit down and watch
football, I'm always thinking,

"God, if Jill were here,

she could get me another beer."

Face it, Tim, we both need
time away from each other.

Then that's what
this is all about.

Yeah. And if we have the
time away from each other,

then we can appreciate the
time that we do have together.

Oh.

Like now.

Huh?

The kids are off at the
park playing commandos.

I noticed that somebody erased
my name from the next hour

on the garage timetable.

It's just you and me.

Got any ideas about
what we could be doing?

I'm getting one.

And what would that be?

Work on the hot rod.

Oh...

Oh, ho-ho.

You won't believe it, but
you were wrong, Wilson.

Jill didn't want intimacy.

Is that so?

And you'll never guess
what she really wanted.

A little more time to herself?

Huh?

You see, Tim, as
Kahlil Gibran said,

"For the pillars of
the temple stand apart

and the oak tree and the cypress
grow not in each other's shadow."

Oh, it's beautiful.
Oh, yeah, it is.

I have no idea
what you just said.

I just mean that occasionally it's
healthy for you and Jill to be apart.

Why didn't you say
that in the first place?

It just came to me.

Sometimes it's not good to
get me too early in the day, Tim.

Heh-heh-heh.