Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 20 - Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor - full transcript
Tim and Jill get into an argument after she insists that she told him repeatedly about an upcoming reception, but he is sure she never mentioned it.
Dad, when's this gonna
look like a birdhouse?
Soon, son, very soon.
Remember, God is in the details,
and details are what
makes me a craftsman
and you a craftsboy. Oh-oh-oh.
Oh-oh-oh.
So, what are you making now?
Fireplace.
A fireplace?
Yes, even birds need a place
to put their bowling trophies on.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ooh, ooh, you know what?
I have some really
cute little lace curtains
from an old dollhouse
of mine in the attic.
I was saving it for the
daughter we never had.
No, no. This is a
man's birdhouse.
The next thing we put
in is a leather recliner
so that little bird
can kick back,
put his thin little legs
up on the ottoman,
pick up the paper, read it, put it back
on the floor, and poop on the paper.
Well, you're the expert.
All right. Mark, this has
gotta dry for about 30 minutes,
and then we install the jacuzzi.
You know, I could
live in this house.
You got the legs for it.
Tim, I want your
opinion about a dress.
Quick, save yourself.
Run, go now, run!
It's too late for me. Run, get
out of here, go! I'll distract her.
Very cute. Which
dress do you like?
Uh, either one.
They both look nice.
I don't wanna look nice.
I wanna look different.
Well, put 'em both on.
Go for that layered look.
Oh, come on, Tim. I wanna make an
impression at this opera fund-raiser.
When are you going
to an opera fund-raiser?
We're going Saturday night.
Saturday night?
Yeah. I told you about
this Wednesday morning.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I most certainly did.
You just weren't
listening, as usual.
Oh, wasn't listening.
Why don't you
repeat these things?
Every time you say something important,
you're always walking out of the room.
"Oh, honey, by the way,
this is very important.
"The health of our
family relies on this...
(gibberish)
Saturday night."
Well, did you keep
Saturday night open?
Why should I? I didn't
know what all that...
(gibberish) was.
Why didn't you ask me?
Why don't you repeat it?
I'm repeating it
now. We're going.
Oh, man.
Oh, come on, Tim.
It's gonna be lovely.
They're singing highlights
from the Barber of Seville.
Stage full of 300-pound
porkers going...
♪ I got a bad haircut,
I got a bad haircut
♪ Oh, they screwed up my bangs
♪ You should've used conditioner
♪ You should've used conditioner
♪ He's... oh-ho! ♪
We're going.
Oh, oh, I almost forgot.
Don't forget to pick up...
(gibberish) tomorrow!
♪ I didn't hear you,
I didn't hear you! ♪
Well, spring is right
around the corner.
Al, what do you look
forward to at springtime?
Turning my clock ahead, Tim.
You party animal, you, Al.
When most people think of
spring, they think of spring cleaning.
And nothing more important
than cleaning your engine.
Lisa. What Al and Lisa
are pushing out here
is the engine out of my wife's
car. Ha-ha-ha. Just kidding.
This is a very filthy five-liter
V-8, chrome valve covers,
aluminum high rise and
a four-barrel carburetor.
There you go, Tim.
Thank you, Lisa.
And after a long, hard winter,
you wanna gap your plugs,
flush your dirty radiator clean
and make sure your
hose doesn't leak.
Let's not get too personal, Al.
First thing we wanna do
is degrease this bad boy
using Binford's
new Engine Clean.
It's perfect for home,
auto and airplane.
All you gotta do is
spray it on a hot engine,
rinse it off with
ordinary tap water.
At this point, your wife
may look at you, going,
(feminine voice) "What are you
doing in this engine compartment
"cleaning a dirty, old
engine, you dumb ox?
The floor needs cleaning!"
(normal voice) At this point,
I usually take the hood
and go, "Dink." Ha-ha-ha.
That's...
P.O. Box 3273...
Al, Al, I think that women
know that I'm just joshing.
Besides, why would a woman
be looking under the hood of a car?
We don't look under the
washing machine, do we?
That's P.O. Box 32733...
Detroit...
MI.
Anyway, the way a
man treats his machine
says something about the man.
It says pride. Pride
in workmanship.
That's what it's all
about. You tell 'em, junior.
Boy, I like that kind of enthusiasm.
You know what I'm talking about?
I sure do. Me and my partner
been building cars for 42 years.
No kidding.
No, it's true. We were
on the assembly line
at the Dearborn plant
out there on Miller Road.
Why don't we talk to these
guys? Two American workers.
Let's get 'em down here. Come
on, you guys. Yeah! Come on.
Yeah. Come on. Yeah.
Hey, are we really on TV?
These aren't hairdryers,
pal. Yeah, you're on TV.
Do we get Tool Time hats?
I don't have any, but, Al,
let's get two hats for 'em.
All right, gentlemen,
what are you names?
I'm Hick Peterson.
Hello, Hick. How you doing?
Eddie Phillips.
How you guys doing? Welcome
to Tool Time. This is Al over here.
We know Al. Oh, we love Al!
Oh, we all love Al.
Hey, Al, come on. Give
us one of them big salutes.
Al, Al, Al...
Al, Al, Al, Al...
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
I don't wanna disturb this
love fest you have going here,
but let me remind
you of something...
Al is my assistant.
He assists me!
All right, gentlemen,
what do you say we sit
down and chat a little bit?
Oh, yeah.
All week long, we been doing
our salute to workmanship,
and who would know more about
workmanship than you two guys?
40 some-odd years on
the line. What'd you do?
Well, Hick here was headlight
alignment. I was rear bumpers.
From the beginning
to the end. Yep.
Cool. You know,
42 years on the line,
you must've pushed out
some good Detroit iron.
Ah... let me ask you a question.
In all those years, what
was your favorite car?
Oh, a '55 Thunderbird.
No doubt about it, the 'Bird.
Ford's answer to the Corvette.
It was a two-seater. Had...
V-8 engine,
three-speed overdrive...
front suspension, upper and
lower A-arms and coil springs.
That thing,
power-to-weight ratio,
it could do zero to 60 in
under ten seconds. Ar-ar-ar.
Ar-ar-ar. Ar-ar-ar.
(coughs) Good one
always cleans me out.
It must've been a great day watching
that first T-bird roll off that line.
Oh, great day, but they
were all good days back then.
We used to knock out
about a hundred cars a day,
and after work, Hick and me,
we'd go down and have a Stinky.
A Stinky? It's a sandwich.
It was my own invention.
Limburger cheese, sauerkraut,
big slice of Bermuda onion
and some hot mustard.
Ooh-hoo. Ha-ha-ha.
Why didn't you
just lick a skunk?
And, Tim, they still
make a great Stinky at...
down at Big Mike's Tavern
at Fourth and Jefferson!
Hey, that ought to
take care of our tab.
Yeah, right. Hi, Mike.
Big Mike's Tavern.
That sounds like
a man's bar there.
You know it, junior.
Pool tables, dark wood,
American beer. Ha-ha-ha.
We go there all the time.
Fourth and Jefferson!
All right, all right. That's all the
time we have for Tool Time this week.
Al, what do you say we give these two
American workers a Tool Time salute?
Hey. Thank you.
And remember,
men build machines.
They don't build themselves.
So next time you see a
'55 T-bird, remember...
this is the face of the man
who installed that bumper,
and this is the face of the
man that aligned the headlights.
Remember... if you didn't put
it together with your own hands,
it's not really yours.
See you next time
on Tool Time. Ar-ar-ar.
Ar-ar-ar. Hey.
Hey, pea brain,
what are you doing?
Getting a piece of bread to
feed the birds in the backyard.
You doofus, birds don't
eat bread. They eat worms.
Yeah, you have to do
what the mommy bird does.
What's that?
Chew up the worms and spit
it into the baby bird's mouth.
Ew. I'm not eating any worms.
Well, if you want the
baby birds to starve...
Maybe I could just eat one worm.
Now you're talking.
Hey, guys, where you going?
Outside to feed the birds.
I'm gonna chew up a worm
just like the mommy bird.
No, you're not.
Brad, Randy, I believe you
two have homework to do.
Mark, spread the bread
around for the birds, OK?
Hi.
Hi. How was your show?
Terrific. I heard about
a new restaurant...
Big Mike's Tavern.
I thought maybe we'd go
down there this weekend.
What night would be good?
Forget it. We are going
to the opera fund-raiser.
Oh, man.
Now come here.
I'm really excited.
I found the perfect
thing to wear.
It's a little daring,
but I think it's fun.
A tuxedo?
Yeah, what do you think?
Hee-hee-hee.
What's so funny?
I just never been out
with a maitre d' before.
I don't know why I
bothered to show you this.
You don't care
about this fund-raiser.
It's not that I don't care.
I'm a little tired of you making
these big plans without telling me.
Hold on. This whole thing
was your idea in the first place.
What?
Yes. Mrs. Larson asked us
at church two months ago,
and you said, "Oh,
yeah, we'd love to come."
I didn't mean that.
I was being polite.
She thought you meant it.
I thought you meant it. You
should say what you mean.
Like you do?
Yes, like I do.
Wasn't it you that said
Mrs. Larson looked...
(imitates Jill) just hideous...
(normal voice) ...in that
purple muumuu she had on?
Well, she did look hideous.
She looked like a
giant egg plant. So?
Aha. But when she comes
back over the second time,
you said, "Ah, Mrs.
Larson, you look lovely."
Why don't you say what you mean?
"You look hideous,
you big, fat muumuu."
She didn't ask me if
she looked hideous.
She asked you if we were
going to the fund-raiser.
You said, "Yes," so
she sent the tickets.
Why didn't you just tell me?
I did tell you. Tim, I
told you three times.
I'm not stupid. If you
told me three times,
I would've remembered
saying no three times.
What are you saying,
you're not gonna go?
No. This'll be the fourth time.
Then fine. I'll put a dress
under my tux and take myself.
Ar-ar-arr-ar-arr-arr!
♪ Ahh! ♪
Here you go. One
brewskie, one buttermilk.
Ah, a toast to Mike.
Here's to your health
and to your happiness, sir.
How about paying your tab?
And to your fine generosity.
That'll be $3.
We take back our toast.
Hey, everybody, look who's here!
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Hello, Tim. Hey!
Hi, guys. Hi, everybody.
That's Mike over
there behind the bar.
Hi, Mike. How you doing?
Good to meet you, Tim.
Tim Taylor. Good to my word,
I brought you guys some hats.
Oh, man, thanks a million.
We promised you a Stinky.
Mike, fix him a nice big one.
Coming right up.
Mike, don't bother.
It's not gonna bother me.
I'm not the one eating it.
Hey, we're glad you dropped by.
There's a bunch of guys we used to
work with are gonna be here tonight,
and, boy, would
they love to meet you.
I'd love to, but not tonight.
I believe my wife is dragging me
to the Michigan Opera
Theater fund-raiser...
Don't do it. What?
Just put your foot down and
say, "Woman, I'm not goin'."
Now, you see?
That's the attitude
that kept you a
bachelor all your life.
Of course, your face
didn't help much, either.
Well, the ladies down at the
senior center don't seem to mind.
You should see me at those
Saturday night dances, boy.
Sit down. Sit down.
Just for a minute.
So what if it's the opera.
Look on the good side of it.
You're gonna get to see your wife
all dolled up in a beautiful gown...
She wants to wear a tux.
I hate to see a
woman wearin' pants.
Down at senior center, I
won't even dance with a woman
unless she's wearing nylons
with a nice seam right
up the back of her legs.
Those aren't seams.
Those are veins.
My point is, Tim, that in the
old days, women wore dresses,
and they hung on your
arm on a Saturday night,
and they liked it when
you call 'em "dame."
I don't think Jill
would like if...
(imitating Hick) I called dame.
Well, dame, doll, gal,
babe. Whatever she likes.
That's good advice, but
I really gotta get moving.
You haven't had your
Stinky yet. You have it.
We haven't solved
your problem yet.
I came in with
hats, not a problem.
You mean your wife's making
you someplace you don't wanna go
and she's starting to
wear men's clothes,
and you're telling us
you don't have a problem?
The problem is,
up until yesterday,
I don't think she ever told me
we're going to a fund-raiser.
That's a woman for you.
And the crazy thing is, she
tells me she said it three times,
and I know she didn't.
Women like to control men,
and they do it by confusing 'em.
See, by changing the rules and
wanting to wear men's clothes.
Tim, you've got to fight
confusion with confusion.
Oh, yeah?
You go home and you
put on one of her dresses.
Ohh...
You want this man
to wear a dress?
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
Oh, don't listen to
that old windbag.
Listen, I was
married for 45 years,
and the one thing I learned
was that men and
women are different.
Took him 45 years
to figure that out.
Oh. All I'm saying is
that women are subtle.
Your wife probably told you
about this evening in her own way.
No, absolutely not.
If she'd told me, I
would've remembered that.
Think. She never said
anything about a fund-raiser?
No. She said, "I'm gonna
dry-clean your tuxedo,"
and something about
Saturday hors d'oeuvres.
That was it.
I mean, written something
down on a paper, calendar.
Our calendar's
circled on Saturday,
but all she wrote
was, "Fur raisins."
Fur raisins? Yeah, fur raisins.
Fur raisin.
Could that be...
Fund-raiser? Fund-raiser?
Oh, no.
Hi, Mom.
Hi. I thought you were gonna
paint that birdhouse stand
when your dad got home.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
How many coats of
paint did you put on this?
12?
Yeah, he's gonna
be real surprised.
Look, why don't you
go get cleaned up,
and I'll clean your brush
out for you, all right?
OK.
Don't touch anything
on your way up, OK?
Hey, Wilson.
Hi-ho, lady neighbor.
What are you doing over there?
Oh, just letting off a
little bit of steam, Jill.
Hmm-hmm. Nothing relaxes me
more than a good game of croquet.
Can I ask you something?
Step up to the wicket, Jill.
Do you think that
Tim is a good listener?
Yes, I think Tim is
a very good listener.
Does he understand
everything you say?
I think Tim is a
very good listener.
Well, I don't think
he listens to me at all.
I told him about this event
we're going to three times,
and he acts like I
never said anything.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I don't know how I
could've been clearer.
I told him I was
getting his tux cleaned,
I told him about
the hors d'oeuvres
we were having Saturday night,
I even circled it
on the calendar.
I did practically everything
except sit him down and say,
"Tim, we are going to a
fund-raiser Saturday night."
Oh, my God, I never did that.
Oh, man!
I can't believe it.
All of this arguing,
and he was right.
Oh, no, I feel terrible.
This is all my fault.
I should apologize to him.
Thank you, Wilson. You've
really been a big help.
Hmm.
Somehow it's
always easier with Jill.
Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
I've gotta tell you something.
I've got something
real important to tell you.
You should let me go first.
No, please, let me. Come on.
All right.
I realized today that you probably
did tell me about this fund-raiser.
You didn't come
right out and tell me,
but in your subtle way, you said
it, two or three times, anyway,
and when I'm not
interested in something,
I don't pay attention.
It's my fault, I'm
sorry, and I apologize.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
We'll have a good time.
What were you gonna tell me?
Nothin'.
See ya, guys.
Take it easy.
It was nice seeing
Ziggy again, huh?
Boy, has he gone to the dogs.
Yeah, I hate it when a
guy doesn't keep himself up.
Yeah.
Hey, look who's here.
I thought you had
an event to go to.
Well, my wife and I
communicated and compromised
and decided to spend half
the night at the fund-raiser
and the other half of
the night with you fellas.
All right.
And we're starving.
Fix you up a couple of Stinkys?
Oof. No. Still loving
that one I had today.
How about your shrimp plate
and a big salad for us? You got it.
I'm sorry. Guys... Hick,
Eddie, this is my wife Jill.
It's a great pleasure
to meet you, my dear.
Thank you very much.
My, my, my, my, my, my.
I love a woman in a tuxedo.
I thought you said you
didn't like women in pants.
Did I say that, junior? Yes.
It's OK if it's a glamour
package like Jill here.
Well, thank you.
You are one classy dame.
And you are trouble.
And you know it. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, how about tripping the
light fandango with me over there
if your husband doesn't mind?
You don't mind, do you, junior?
Junior? No, go ahead.
OK. Watch his hands.
I got a step I do down at the senior
center I think you're gonna like.
There.
(♪ "When I Fall in
Love" by Nat "King" Cole)
How would you
like to be in my will?
Whoo!
Your wife certainly
lights up a room.
Yeah, she certainly does.
I'm glad to see the two
of you worked things out.
I don't know how we worked
things out. I apologized.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna figure her out.
Don't. You know, I was
married to Tildy for 45 years,
and this woman,
God rest her soul,
used to drive me
absolutely crazy.
She had these ugly
little porcelain cats
that she used to love to
line up on a windowsill.
And every day for 45 years,
I used to take those
cats off the windowsill
and put 'em in a cupboard,
and every day for 45 years,
she'd take 'em out of the
cupboard and put 'em back.
Where are they now?
On a windowsill.
Didn't throw 'em out?
What for?
You know, you don't have
to understand a woman.
All you gotta do is love her.
(Jill chuckles)
Hey, you get up there. Come on.
Oh, please.
♪ My heart
Ahem. Mind if I cut in?
Is it all right with you?
Oh, OK.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
♪ Is when I fall
in love with you ♪
I finished the birdhouse.
Look.
They're sitting on the
tree. Why don't they go in?
He's probably thinking the
house is way too expensive.
"I'd have to win the
lottery to go in there."
I don't think so, Tim.
He sees the jacuzzi and
fresh papers everywhere.
Nah. He's saying,
"Forget the papers.
Let's find a statue of Tim."
Oh, look, a cat.
Just kidding, fellas.
(Jill) Stop picking at yourself.
(Tim) What's this
itch over here? Oh...
You got one, too, huh? Yeah.
Where did I put that shoehorn?
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, you gave it to me.
The guy only lives...
Wait. Hold on a second.
(laughter)
Ooh, that stuff's
catching, honey.
look like a birdhouse?
Soon, son, very soon.
Remember, God is in the details,
and details are what
makes me a craftsman
and you a craftsboy. Oh-oh-oh.
Oh-oh-oh.
So, what are you making now?
Fireplace.
A fireplace?
Yes, even birds need a place
to put their bowling trophies on.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Ooh, ooh, you know what?
I have some really
cute little lace curtains
from an old dollhouse
of mine in the attic.
I was saving it for the
daughter we never had.
No, no. This is a
man's birdhouse.
The next thing we put
in is a leather recliner
so that little bird
can kick back,
put his thin little legs
up on the ottoman,
pick up the paper, read it, put it back
on the floor, and poop on the paper.
Well, you're the expert.
All right. Mark, this has
gotta dry for about 30 minutes,
and then we install the jacuzzi.
You know, I could
live in this house.
You got the legs for it.
Tim, I want your
opinion about a dress.
Quick, save yourself.
Run, go now, run!
It's too late for me. Run, get
out of here, go! I'll distract her.
Very cute. Which
dress do you like?
Uh, either one.
They both look nice.
I don't wanna look nice.
I wanna look different.
Well, put 'em both on.
Go for that layered look.
Oh, come on, Tim. I wanna make an
impression at this opera fund-raiser.
When are you going
to an opera fund-raiser?
We're going Saturday night.
Saturday night?
Yeah. I told you about
this Wednesday morning.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I most certainly did.
You just weren't
listening, as usual.
Oh, wasn't listening.
Why don't you
repeat these things?
Every time you say something important,
you're always walking out of the room.
"Oh, honey, by the way,
this is very important.
"The health of our
family relies on this...
(gibberish)
Saturday night."
Well, did you keep
Saturday night open?
Why should I? I didn't
know what all that...
(gibberish) was.
Why didn't you ask me?
Why don't you repeat it?
I'm repeating it
now. We're going.
Oh, man.
Oh, come on, Tim.
It's gonna be lovely.
They're singing highlights
from the Barber of Seville.
Stage full of 300-pound
porkers going...
♪ I got a bad haircut,
I got a bad haircut
♪ Oh, they screwed up my bangs
♪ You should've used conditioner
♪ You should've used conditioner
♪ He's... oh-ho! ♪
We're going.
Oh, oh, I almost forgot.
Don't forget to pick up...
(gibberish) tomorrow!
♪ I didn't hear you,
I didn't hear you! ♪
Well, spring is right
around the corner.
Al, what do you look
forward to at springtime?
Turning my clock ahead, Tim.
You party animal, you, Al.
When most people think of
spring, they think of spring cleaning.
And nothing more important
than cleaning your engine.
Lisa. What Al and Lisa
are pushing out here
is the engine out of my wife's
car. Ha-ha-ha. Just kidding.
This is a very filthy five-liter
V-8, chrome valve covers,
aluminum high rise and
a four-barrel carburetor.
There you go, Tim.
Thank you, Lisa.
And after a long, hard winter,
you wanna gap your plugs,
flush your dirty radiator clean
and make sure your
hose doesn't leak.
Let's not get too personal, Al.
First thing we wanna do
is degrease this bad boy
using Binford's
new Engine Clean.
It's perfect for home,
auto and airplane.
All you gotta do is
spray it on a hot engine,
rinse it off with
ordinary tap water.
At this point, your wife
may look at you, going,
(feminine voice) "What are you
doing in this engine compartment
"cleaning a dirty, old
engine, you dumb ox?
The floor needs cleaning!"
(normal voice) At this point,
I usually take the hood
and go, "Dink." Ha-ha-ha.
That's...
P.O. Box 3273...
Al, Al, I think that women
know that I'm just joshing.
Besides, why would a woman
be looking under the hood of a car?
We don't look under the
washing machine, do we?
That's P.O. Box 32733...
Detroit...
MI.
Anyway, the way a
man treats his machine
says something about the man.
It says pride. Pride
in workmanship.
That's what it's all
about. You tell 'em, junior.
Boy, I like that kind of enthusiasm.
You know what I'm talking about?
I sure do. Me and my partner
been building cars for 42 years.
No kidding.
No, it's true. We were
on the assembly line
at the Dearborn plant
out there on Miller Road.
Why don't we talk to these
guys? Two American workers.
Let's get 'em down here. Come
on, you guys. Yeah! Come on.
Yeah. Come on. Yeah.
Hey, are we really on TV?
These aren't hairdryers,
pal. Yeah, you're on TV.
Do we get Tool Time hats?
I don't have any, but, Al,
let's get two hats for 'em.
All right, gentlemen,
what are you names?
I'm Hick Peterson.
Hello, Hick. How you doing?
Eddie Phillips.
How you guys doing? Welcome
to Tool Time. This is Al over here.
We know Al. Oh, we love Al!
Oh, we all love Al.
Hey, Al, come on. Give
us one of them big salutes.
Al, Al, Al...
Al, Al, Al, Al...
Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
I don't wanna disturb this
love fest you have going here,
but let me remind
you of something...
Al is my assistant.
He assists me!
All right, gentlemen,
what do you say we sit
down and chat a little bit?
Oh, yeah.
All week long, we been doing
our salute to workmanship,
and who would know more about
workmanship than you two guys?
40 some-odd years on
the line. What'd you do?
Well, Hick here was headlight
alignment. I was rear bumpers.
From the beginning
to the end. Yep.
Cool. You know,
42 years on the line,
you must've pushed out
some good Detroit iron.
Ah... let me ask you a question.
In all those years, what
was your favorite car?
Oh, a '55 Thunderbird.
No doubt about it, the 'Bird.
Ford's answer to the Corvette.
It was a two-seater. Had...
V-8 engine,
three-speed overdrive...
front suspension, upper and
lower A-arms and coil springs.
That thing,
power-to-weight ratio,
it could do zero to 60 in
under ten seconds. Ar-ar-ar.
Ar-ar-ar. Ar-ar-ar.
(coughs) Good one
always cleans me out.
It must've been a great day watching
that first T-bird roll off that line.
Oh, great day, but they
were all good days back then.
We used to knock out
about a hundred cars a day,
and after work, Hick and me,
we'd go down and have a Stinky.
A Stinky? It's a sandwich.
It was my own invention.
Limburger cheese, sauerkraut,
big slice of Bermuda onion
and some hot mustard.
Ooh-hoo. Ha-ha-ha.
Why didn't you
just lick a skunk?
And, Tim, they still
make a great Stinky at...
down at Big Mike's Tavern
at Fourth and Jefferson!
Hey, that ought to
take care of our tab.
Yeah, right. Hi, Mike.
Big Mike's Tavern.
That sounds like
a man's bar there.
You know it, junior.
Pool tables, dark wood,
American beer. Ha-ha-ha.
We go there all the time.
Fourth and Jefferson!
All right, all right. That's all the
time we have for Tool Time this week.
Al, what do you say we give these two
American workers a Tool Time salute?
Hey. Thank you.
And remember,
men build machines.
They don't build themselves.
So next time you see a
'55 T-bird, remember...
this is the face of the man
who installed that bumper,
and this is the face of the
man that aligned the headlights.
Remember... if you didn't put
it together with your own hands,
it's not really yours.
See you next time
on Tool Time. Ar-ar-ar.
Ar-ar-ar. Hey.
Hey, pea brain,
what are you doing?
Getting a piece of bread to
feed the birds in the backyard.
You doofus, birds don't
eat bread. They eat worms.
Yeah, you have to do
what the mommy bird does.
What's that?
Chew up the worms and spit
it into the baby bird's mouth.
Ew. I'm not eating any worms.
Well, if you want the
baby birds to starve...
Maybe I could just eat one worm.
Now you're talking.
Hey, guys, where you going?
Outside to feed the birds.
I'm gonna chew up a worm
just like the mommy bird.
No, you're not.
Brad, Randy, I believe you
two have homework to do.
Mark, spread the bread
around for the birds, OK?
Hi.
Hi. How was your show?
Terrific. I heard about
a new restaurant...
Big Mike's Tavern.
I thought maybe we'd go
down there this weekend.
What night would be good?
Forget it. We are going
to the opera fund-raiser.
Oh, man.
Now come here.
I'm really excited.
I found the perfect
thing to wear.
It's a little daring,
but I think it's fun.
A tuxedo?
Yeah, what do you think?
Hee-hee-hee.
What's so funny?
I just never been out
with a maitre d' before.
I don't know why I
bothered to show you this.
You don't care
about this fund-raiser.
It's not that I don't care.
I'm a little tired of you making
these big plans without telling me.
Hold on. This whole thing
was your idea in the first place.
What?
Yes. Mrs. Larson asked us
at church two months ago,
and you said, "Oh,
yeah, we'd love to come."
I didn't mean that.
I was being polite.
She thought you meant it.
I thought you meant it. You
should say what you mean.
Like you do?
Yes, like I do.
Wasn't it you that said
Mrs. Larson looked...
(imitates Jill) just hideous...
(normal voice) ...in that
purple muumuu she had on?
Well, she did look hideous.
She looked like a
giant egg plant. So?
Aha. But when she comes
back over the second time,
you said, "Ah, Mrs.
Larson, you look lovely."
Why don't you say what you mean?
"You look hideous,
you big, fat muumuu."
She didn't ask me if
she looked hideous.
She asked you if we were
going to the fund-raiser.
You said, "Yes," so
she sent the tickets.
Why didn't you just tell me?
I did tell you. Tim, I
told you three times.
I'm not stupid. If you
told me three times,
I would've remembered
saying no three times.
What are you saying,
you're not gonna go?
No. This'll be the fourth time.
Then fine. I'll put a dress
under my tux and take myself.
Ar-ar-arr-ar-arr-arr!
♪ Ahh! ♪
Here you go. One
brewskie, one buttermilk.
Ah, a toast to Mike.
Here's to your health
and to your happiness, sir.
How about paying your tab?
And to your fine generosity.
That'll be $3.
We take back our toast.
Hey, everybody, look who's here!
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Hello, Tim. Hey!
Hi, guys. Hi, everybody.
That's Mike over
there behind the bar.
Hi, Mike. How you doing?
Good to meet you, Tim.
Tim Taylor. Good to my word,
I brought you guys some hats.
Oh, man, thanks a million.
We promised you a Stinky.
Mike, fix him a nice big one.
Coming right up.
Mike, don't bother.
It's not gonna bother me.
I'm not the one eating it.
Hey, we're glad you dropped by.
There's a bunch of guys we used to
work with are gonna be here tonight,
and, boy, would
they love to meet you.
I'd love to, but not tonight.
I believe my wife is dragging me
to the Michigan Opera
Theater fund-raiser...
Don't do it. What?
Just put your foot down and
say, "Woman, I'm not goin'."
Now, you see?
That's the attitude
that kept you a
bachelor all your life.
Of course, your face
didn't help much, either.
Well, the ladies down at the
senior center don't seem to mind.
You should see me at those
Saturday night dances, boy.
Sit down. Sit down.
Just for a minute.
So what if it's the opera.
Look on the good side of it.
You're gonna get to see your wife
all dolled up in a beautiful gown...
She wants to wear a tux.
I hate to see a
woman wearin' pants.
Down at senior center, I
won't even dance with a woman
unless she's wearing nylons
with a nice seam right
up the back of her legs.
Those aren't seams.
Those are veins.
My point is, Tim, that in the
old days, women wore dresses,
and they hung on your
arm on a Saturday night,
and they liked it when
you call 'em "dame."
I don't think Jill
would like if...
(imitating Hick) I called dame.
Well, dame, doll, gal,
babe. Whatever she likes.
That's good advice, but
I really gotta get moving.
You haven't had your
Stinky yet. You have it.
We haven't solved
your problem yet.
I came in with
hats, not a problem.
You mean your wife's making
you someplace you don't wanna go
and she's starting to
wear men's clothes,
and you're telling us
you don't have a problem?
The problem is,
up until yesterday,
I don't think she ever told me
we're going to a fund-raiser.
That's a woman for you.
And the crazy thing is, she
tells me she said it three times,
and I know she didn't.
Women like to control men,
and they do it by confusing 'em.
See, by changing the rules and
wanting to wear men's clothes.
Tim, you've got to fight
confusion with confusion.
Oh, yeah?
You go home and you
put on one of her dresses.
Ohh...
You want this man
to wear a dress?
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
Oh, don't listen to
that old windbag.
Listen, I was
married for 45 years,
and the one thing I learned
was that men and
women are different.
Took him 45 years
to figure that out.
Oh. All I'm saying is
that women are subtle.
Your wife probably told you
about this evening in her own way.
No, absolutely not.
If she'd told me, I
would've remembered that.
Think. She never said
anything about a fund-raiser?
No. She said, "I'm gonna
dry-clean your tuxedo,"
and something about
Saturday hors d'oeuvres.
That was it.
I mean, written something
down on a paper, calendar.
Our calendar's
circled on Saturday,
but all she wrote
was, "Fur raisins."
Fur raisins? Yeah, fur raisins.
Fur raisin.
Could that be...
Fund-raiser? Fund-raiser?
Oh, no.
Hi, Mom.
Hi. I thought you were gonna
paint that birdhouse stand
when your dad got home.
I wanted it to be a surprise.
How many coats of
paint did you put on this?
12?
Yeah, he's gonna
be real surprised.
Look, why don't you
go get cleaned up,
and I'll clean your brush
out for you, all right?
OK.
Don't touch anything
on your way up, OK?
Hey, Wilson.
Hi-ho, lady neighbor.
What are you doing over there?
Oh, just letting off a
little bit of steam, Jill.
Hmm-hmm. Nothing relaxes me
more than a good game of croquet.
Can I ask you something?
Step up to the wicket, Jill.
Do you think that
Tim is a good listener?
Yes, I think Tim is
a very good listener.
Does he understand
everything you say?
I think Tim is a
very good listener.
Well, I don't think
he listens to me at all.
I told him about this event
we're going to three times,
and he acts like I
never said anything.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I don't know how I
could've been clearer.
I told him I was
getting his tux cleaned,
I told him about
the hors d'oeuvres
we were having Saturday night,
I even circled it
on the calendar.
I did practically everything
except sit him down and say,
"Tim, we are going to a
fund-raiser Saturday night."
Oh, my God, I never did that.
Oh, man!
I can't believe it.
All of this arguing,
and he was right.
Oh, no, I feel terrible.
This is all my fault.
I should apologize to him.
Thank you, Wilson. You've
really been a big help.
Hmm.
Somehow it's
always easier with Jill.
Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, I'm so glad you're home.
I've gotta tell you something.
I've got something
real important to tell you.
You should let me go first.
No, please, let me. Come on.
All right.
I realized today that you probably
did tell me about this fund-raiser.
You didn't come
right out and tell me,
but in your subtle way, you said
it, two or three times, anyway,
and when I'm not
interested in something,
I don't pay attention.
It's my fault, I'm
sorry, and I apologize.
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
We'll have a good time.
What were you gonna tell me?
Nothin'.
See ya, guys.
Take it easy.
It was nice seeing
Ziggy again, huh?
Boy, has he gone to the dogs.
Yeah, I hate it when a
guy doesn't keep himself up.
Yeah.
Hey, look who's here.
I thought you had
an event to go to.
Well, my wife and I
communicated and compromised
and decided to spend half
the night at the fund-raiser
and the other half of
the night with you fellas.
All right.
And we're starving.
Fix you up a couple of Stinkys?
Oof. No. Still loving
that one I had today.
How about your shrimp plate
and a big salad for us? You got it.
I'm sorry. Guys... Hick,
Eddie, this is my wife Jill.
It's a great pleasure
to meet you, my dear.
Thank you very much.
My, my, my, my, my, my.
I love a woman in a tuxedo.
I thought you said you
didn't like women in pants.
Did I say that, junior? Yes.
It's OK if it's a glamour
package like Jill here.
Well, thank you.
You are one classy dame.
And you are trouble.
And you know it. Ha-ha-ha.
Hey, how about tripping the
light fandango with me over there
if your husband doesn't mind?
You don't mind, do you, junior?
Junior? No, go ahead.
OK. Watch his hands.
I got a step I do down at the senior
center I think you're gonna like.
There.
(♪ "When I Fall in
Love" by Nat "King" Cole)
How would you
like to be in my will?
Whoo!
Your wife certainly
lights up a room.
Yeah, she certainly does.
I'm glad to see the two
of you worked things out.
I don't know how we worked
things out. I apologized.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna figure her out.
Don't. You know, I was
married to Tildy for 45 years,
and this woman,
God rest her soul,
used to drive me
absolutely crazy.
She had these ugly
little porcelain cats
that she used to love to
line up on a windowsill.
And every day for 45 years,
I used to take those
cats off the windowsill
and put 'em in a cupboard,
and every day for 45 years,
she'd take 'em out of the
cupboard and put 'em back.
Where are they now?
On a windowsill.
Didn't throw 'em out?
What for?
You know, you don't have
to understand a woman.
All you gotta do is love her.
(Jill chuckles)
Hey, you get up there. Come on.
Oh, please.
♪ My heart
Ahem. Mind if I cut in?
Is it all right with you?
Oh, OK.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
♪ Is when I fall
in love with you ♪
I finished the birdhouse.
Look.
They're sitting on the
tree. Why don't they go in?
He's probably thinking the
house is way too expensive.
"I'd have to win the
lottery to go in there."
I don't think so, Tim.
He sees the jacuzzi and
fresh papers everywhere.
Nah. He's saying,
"Forget the papers.
Let's find a statue of Tim."
Oh, look, a cat.
Just kidding, fellas.
(Jill) Stop picking at yourself.
(Tim) What's this
itch over here? Oh...
You got one, too, huh? Yeah.
Where did I put that shoehorn?
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Well, you gave it to me.
The guy only lives...
Wait. Hold on a second.
(laughter)
Ooh, that stuff's
catching, honey.