Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 19 - Unchained Malady - full transcript
At home: Tim receives a chain letter with the instructions that it be sent forward to 10 people within 24 hours or else something bad will happen. Tim doesn't buy into that and disregards the letter, despite Jill's warnings. Randy breaks his new bike and has to figure out how to explain that to his parents. In Tool Time: Tim is late because his car battery had been dry and someone had parked in his space on the parking lot. He tells Al about the letter and he also warns Tim of the consequences. Turns out he sent Tim the letter and then later found a $20 bill on the street and won a shovel in a radio contest... and Lisa asks if she can stay the night at Al's place because the heating at her place does not work. Even after he accidentally dyes his hands green, Tim refuses to believe in the chain letter's curse because George Foreman himself is coming to make an appearance in Tool Time.
There you go. Good as new.
Come on, Tim. You can't
tell me that actually works.
(whirs)
Just like it was. Impressed.
Doesn't take a genius
to fix a hair dryer.
And that's why we asked you.
Good one, Jill.
Thank you so much.
(falsetto) I just love it
when we girls get together
and do our little estrogen
humor. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
I'm going to the park
to ride my new bike.
Randy, why are you
wearing all those pads?
'Cause they look cool.
You gotta look cool,
'cause you're not riding
that kiddy bike anymore.
You'll be riding the new KX-80
man-sized Speed Demon. Ar-ar.
Hey, have fun but
ride slowly, OK?
Jill... ride slowly?
A man's gotta make
challenges for himself.
Try to visualize you're at
the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Right out of the chute, 200
miles an hour, 300, 400, 500...
Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!
Fur ball, Tim? Ar.
I'll be going to the park now.
I would...
Oh, a chain letter.
Oh, no, is it addressed to me?
No, it's to me.
Let me see. Let me see.
"Within 24 hours of
receiving this chain letter,
"it must be sent to ten people.
If you break the chain,
you will have bad luck."
Oh, I'm shaking in my
shorts. Look at this. Watch this.
Shake all you want,
but listen to this.
"A naval officer in Borneo
disregarded this letter,
and three days later,
he was decapitated."
"Naval officer gets
his head cut off."
You read it wrong.
It says a head waiter
got his navel cut off.
Don't do that.
Why take chances?
You don't know.
This naval officer might
have had his head cut off.
Honey, honey, don't worry.
If you get your head cut
off, I'll staple-gun it back on.
The letter's addressed to you. You're
the one who's gonna have the bad luck.
God, you're right, Karen.
Something horrible
could happen to me.
I'll see you guys.
Bye-bye. Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aah! I need a
head, I need a head.
He got me through the letter.
(clank) Ohh!
(Al) Tim? Huh?
Where have you been?
You were supposed to
be here half an hour ago.
Oh, boy. My battery went
dead, so I had to charge it up.
I get to work, somebody's
parked in my spot.
Oh, gee, that's too bad,
but I have a feeling your
luck will be changing soon.
You sound like Jill.
She got all upset this morning
'cause some idiot sent
me a stupid chain letter.
Well, he wasn't
necessarily an idiot, Tim.
I don't care what
he was. I threw it out.
Well, you...
You shouldn't have done that.
You know, something
bad could happen.
Like what?
I don't know. Y-You...
You could be decapitated.
You sent me that
letter, didn't you?
I didn't say I sent it.
The chain letter says you're not
supposed to say. What chain letter?
The one I'm not
saying I sent you.
I should have
figured it was you.
I'm the only person you know.
I'm just saying that all
day I've had good luck.
Really?
I found $20 on the sidewalk,
and this morning,
I won a shovel
on a radio contest.
Whoo, a shovel.
You must have been listening
to Gravedigging With Gus.
Tim, did you see this message?
Someone named
George Foreman called,
and he said, "I'd
be happy to do it."
Yes! Thank you, Lisa.
George Foreman the boxer?
No, this is George
Foreman the hypnotist.
Yes, George Foreman the boxer.
That's great. Is he gonna come
on the show and build something?
No, I suggested he come on
and spar with you
for a couple hours.
He has a charity... George
Foreman Youth Home...
and I did a little
banquet for him,
and he said, "How
can I repay you?"
I said, "How about coming
on Tool Time?" He said yes.
(singsong) So-ho-ho-ho-ho,
Mr. Negativity.
Maybe I've got
some luck after all.
I'm just saying that if
you send that chain letter,
you'll have better luck.
Al, listen, having George
Foreman on the show...
that is good luck.
Winning a shovel...
that's not good luck.
You do not have good luck.
Al, I almost forgot... The
heat's broken in my apartment.
Can I stay at
your place tonight?
Sure, Lisa.
Thank you.
(imitates Tim's singsong)
Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
I can't believe you
tried that stupid jump
on your new bike.
You're gonna be
grounded till you're dead.
We have to think of a lie fast.
We could say lightning hit it.
Yeah, right.
I just wish there was some
way we could blame this on Mark.
Yeah. He believes
everything we say.
We could tell him he did it.
That's even dumber
than the lightning.
Come on, let's hide
this in the bushes
before Mom sees us.
Honey, if you want
to blow bubbles,
you have to flatten the
gum out first like that.
You mean, like this?
Well, sorta.
Yeah, well, that's one way.
Now, um, put it on the tip
of your tongue and blow.
I think you need to
practice that some more.
(phone rings)
Hello. Oh, hi, Al.
No, he's not here right n...
Wait, he should do
what with his hands?
What's wrong with his hands?
(laughs)
Is he all right?
Yeah, yeah. Sure, I'll tell him.
Thanks. Bye.
What happened?
Al and Tim were working
with some dye on the show,
and Tim accidentally
dyed his hands green.
Oh, hi, Tim.
Hi, Karen. How you doing?
Good. And you? I'm great.
Hi, honey. Oh, hi, dear.
How was work? It was good.
No bad luck today, Tim?
No, it was a great
day. Thanks. Wonderful.
Well, come here. Give me a hug.
Oh, hon.
Tim, come here a minute.
I want to talk to you.
I... Just a sec. I've
been feeling really bad
about all the nasty things
I've been saying... Don't...
No, I'd feel a lot better.
Let's just start over. Shake?
I don't want to.
Oh, look at this.
The boys left their
basketball here again.
Tim, would you get rid
of this for me? Catch.
(laughing)
(laughing)
Al called, told us
about your hands.
Why didn't you say something?
'Cause this is more fun.
Aah!
This has nothing to do with
throwing out that chain letter.
I didn't say that.
Did you say that?
Not that.
I had good luck today.
Guess who decided
to be on Tool Time?
Who?
George Foreman.
George Foreman?
Yeah. Is he an athlete?
Yes, Jill.
I know who he is. I know you do.
He's the quarterback
for the Detroit Tigers.
No, no, that's Arnold
Palmer. No, no...
Ladies... No, no, no,
he's a racecar driver.
No, he's... Yeah, he
won the Super Bowl.
Ar-ar-ar-ar!
George Foreman happens to be
the former heavyweight
champion of the world.
Oh, wow. In what sport?
(groans) Boxing.
He's a boxer, Jill. Boxing.
Boxing's not a sport.
What do you call
a great sport...
synchronized swimming?
I'm not kidding. They call
boxing the "sweet science."
Oh, really? How scientific is it
for two men to stand in a
ring and pound each other?
I'll show you how it is.
Put up your dukes.
Try to hit me in the face.
I am not gonna fight you.
I'm just gonna show you how much
skill it takes to hit a moving target.
I don't wanna hit you. I
didn't say you were gonna.
I said you were
gonna try. Dink. Dink.
Stop that. Nail him.
Come on. All right.
Good.
Hey, come on, hit me.
What's the problem?
Honey? I'm gonna get you.
Oh, I'm so scared. I'm
shaking in my boots.
See, it's a science. I
am outthinking you.
I blew a bubble!
Ahh! Ahh.
Ohh.
Ew, it's really
getting swollen. Yeah.
And red.
Maybe we should dye it
green to match your hands.
(laughs)
Well, I'm sorry, honey,
but you made me hit you.
Tim, did she hit you
with a jab or an uppercut?
It was a lucky punch is what
it was. Not so lucky for you.
Don't start this.
This has nothing to do with
me throwing out that chain letter.
I told you not to throw it away.
You didn't pull it out of the
trash and save it, did you?
No. Why, are you sorry I didn't?
No. It belongs in the trash.
Guys, I'm leaving.
Hey, my luck is
changing already.
Bye, champ. Bye.
I was talking to Jill.
Now, if he challenges
you to a rematch,
I want you to call me.
Well, I better let
his eye heal first.
(laughing)
Where would she put
that darn chain letter?
What are you doing out
here? Nothing. Nothing.
I was just out here getting
a little air on that eye.
You were not. You were
looking for that chain letter.
Was not.
Was too.
You're not gonna
find it, either,
'cause the trash was
picked up this morning.
Hi-ho, neighbors.
Oh, hi, Wilson. Hey, Wilson.
Tim, I found this kind of
wedged under my fence.
It wouldn't belong to
anybody over there, would it?
Randy? It's Randy's.
Where's Randy? Upstairs.
Is he all right? Yeah.
Randy! (Randy) Just a second!
Nice hands, Dad.
Thanks. You know
anything about this?
It looks like it was
hit by lightning.
Yeah, right. Lightning?
Yeah, Mom?
What happened to the bike?
Well, it was hit by...
Don't say lightning.
Wind.
A strong wind.
Leave.
Not you! Come back here.
What happened to the bike?
Dad, your hands are green.
They were hit by lightning.
What happened to your bike?
OK. Stevie Randall
double-dared me
to jump the ramp
down at the park.
What ramp at the park?
We built this 5-foot ramp
at the bottom of the hill
to see how far we could jump.
5 feet?!
5 feet? Wow.
You must have been
shooting off that thing.
Man is not supposed to fly.
You could really
have hurt yourself.
I would have made the
landing except the bike broke.
I think you should take it
back, Dad. It has a defect.
I think you should go upstairs
while your father and I discuss this.
Come on.
Dad? Yes?
I know you always say a man
should take care of his machine,
and I'm sorry,
but I did beat the record.
By how much? 6 feet.
Yes! Tim...
Go on upstairs! You
heard me! Go on now!
Oh, those crazy kids, honey.
You know, the defect
is probably in the bike.
It doesn't matter about the
defect. He did a stupid thing.
He had to make the jump. Why?
Honey, they double-dared him.
So?
So, our son was challenged.
He met the challenge, and
he's earned their respect.
I see. So if these kids tell him that he
should jump off a cliff, he should do that?
Ooh, you'd need a
bigger bike for that.
This is a pretty
common thing for kids.
Oh, when I was
young, ten years old,
they're dredging Quarton Lake.
My buddies challenge
me to jump off of a dock
into 3 feet of mud,
naked, and I did it.
And to this day, you
know what they call me?
The village idiot?
(cheers and applause)
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, and
welcome to Tool Time.
(audience grunts)
Oh-oh-oh, yourselves.
Welcome to the show. I'm
Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor.
And I'm Al "the
Lucky Man" Borland.
You know, we've got
a big show this week.
We've got a special
guest, a very special guest...
the former and maybe future
heavyweight champion of the world...
Let's bring him out here.
Mr. More Power himself...
George Foreman! Yeah!
(loud cheering)
This is a building
show. We build things.
What would you like to build?
How about a sandwich?
Well, actually, we're
going to build a staircase.
I never ate a staircase.
Well, don't start now.
We only have one of 'em.
Before we get going,
I'd like you to sit down.
Ask you a few
questions, if I could.
Little conversation
about challenges.
You're a renowned heavyweight.
You've met a lot of
challenges in your life.
Has there ever been a challenge
you've been unable to meet?
There was this
seafood buffet once.
I wanted to eat 16
plates of fried shrimp.
Yeah! But when I
got to the 13th plate,
I had trouble and
started to stagger.
(whistles) What about the 14th?
TKO.
Ah, that TKO thing, yeah.
Totally keeled over.
Well, I guess we can safely say
you're the heavy
champion of the world.
Well, you know, I meant...
It was a joke, George.
That dinner taught me
something, Tim. What's that?
A man's gotta
know his limitations.
Yeah. That's some good
advice from the champ.
Hey, Tim, there something
wrong with your eye?
No, no, I hit it on something.
His wife's fist.
Thanks, Al.
You need to put a
thick steak on that eye.
I thought you're supposed
to put ice on a black eye.
And when you're done with
ice, you can't barbecue it.
Why don't we get right on
that project, what do you say?
Lisa, bring out that staircase.
OK. Here you go, fellas.
Thank you, Lisa.
Well, Al's already
set up our staircase,
and we're ready to proceed.
Al, what's the next stage
in the staircase assembly?
Well, as you can
see, we're about ready
to nail in our risers
and tread. Ohh!
(moans)
(chuckles)
You think that's funny, huh?
Well... Ohh.
Since you're the guest here,
why don't you hit
that first nail, George?
Here you go.
George, what are you doing?
Well, if I'm gonna hit that nail,
Tim, I've gotta get angry with it.
Huh?
So I'm gonna close my eyes
and imagine it's
Evander Holyfield.
You gonna hold that nail for
me? (taps board) Al, hold that nail.
I don't think so, Tim.
George, hold your own nail.
I don't think so, Tim.
Lisa!
(Lisa) I don't think so, Tim.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't I just
start the nail for you?
Hey, yeah.
I didn't go to college
for nothing, George.
OK, George, take a wing at that.
(breathing heavily) We'll get
ready with our measurements...
Give way, people.
Good gracious.
1! 2! 3! 4!
You're outta there!
Wilson, are you over there?
As far as I know, Tim.
Are you a superstitious
man, Wilson?
No, I'm not, Tim.
(knocks) Knock wood.
Well, I'm not
superstitious, either,
but I know this guy that,
one day, got a black eye,
flattened his finger and
dyed his hands an odd color.
Green?
Yeah. It's me.
I've been having this
string of bad luck lately,
and I wonder if it's because I
threw out this cheesy chain letter.
Well, personally, Tim, I place
no credence in chain letters.
'Course, I did
have a friend once
who didn't return
a chain letter,
and he disappeared mysteriously.
He was a naval
officer in Borneo.
He was decapitated. No.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(weakly) Ar-ar-ar.
Well, I'll have to
send the family a card.
What do I do about
this chain letter?
The problem may
not be the chain letter.
Someone's planted the
concept of bad luck in your mind,
and therefore your subconscious
is expecting bad luck.
Ergo, bad luck happens.
'Ere you go. Mm-hmm.
Bad luck. Bad luck.
What if someone wasn't
as enlightened as me?
How would they
get rid of that curse?
Well, some people
think it can be broken
by carrying garlic
and wolfsbane.
Wolfsbane.
Mm-hmm. Genus Aconitum vulparia.
Yeah, sure.
Mm-hmm. Also called
monkshood. Mm-hmm.
It's a herb indigenous
to the Eurasian plain.
It's very, very rare,
almost impossible to find.
Where would I go get some?
Right here, Tim.
Do you have any
garlic? Be my guest.
(both laugh)
Try to bring that back,
Tim. I'm making pizza.
You know, Dad, jumping off
that ramp really was stupid.
It sure was. You could
have been hurt real bad.
A man's gotta know his
limitations, that's what it is.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
But I think I know
why you did it.
See, when I was
young, I knew this kid,
this real bright
good-looking kid
that everybody used
to taunt, you know?
They challenged him,
and he met their challenge
by diving off a dock
into 3 foot of mud, naked.
Man, that was stupid.
It wasn't as stupid
as what you did.
I think it's kinda brave.
Brave?
Yeah, big shot. You
had pads. I was naked.
Tim, look at this.
Hey, Mom, did you know Dad
jumped into 3 feet of mud, naked?
Again?
And I get busted
for ramp jumping.
Yeah, yeah. You just
go get ready for bed.
Honey, I was just making
this list, and, you know,
I don't think that
all this bad luck
is just because
of that chain letter.
You don't, do you?
No. Listen to this.
In the last month, you
have done the following.
"Backed a pickup
truck into a house.
"Almost electrocuted
yourself three times.
Nailed your shoe into the floor"
and "glued your
head to a table."
What's your point?
Well, the point is,
it's not the chain letter
that's bringing you bad luck.
It's you. You're a
klutz. Isn't that great?
Honey, I'm thrilled.
No, really, you don't have to
worry about being superstitious.
I'm not superstitious.
This is your fault.
Mine? Yes.
You were the one that planted
the idea of bad luck in my mind,
and let the "air go" (ergo)
out of my subconscious.
Hey...
I did what?
Don't deny this. You
and I are a lot different,
because I don't buy into
all this hocus-pocus jazz.
What?
Is that garlic I smell?
That's a cologne.
Why is this in your pocket?
I... I was holding
it for Wilson.
And what is this? Huh?
This. What is this? Wolfsbane.
Wouldn't be trying to
ward off any evil spirits,
would you, Tim?
Wilson said that if I
put those in my pockets,
it would turn bad
luck into good luck.
Really? How does it do that?
I'll show you.
OK.
Garlic goes here... Yeah...
wolfsbane goes here.
Then you're supposed
to take your wife,
give her three kisses.
1... 2...
And the third one's really long.
Ah.
You know what? What?
Wilson was right. About what?
You're about to get real lucky.
(grunts) Ohh...
This is what we're
supposed to do? No, here.
OK. Like that and
like that. All right.
Now, a lucky punch...
you can't rely on those.
You can't always have a
distraction to get a good punch in.
But what if I hit you again?
You ain't gonna hit me again.
Mark, come on, put
the bubblegum away.
Why do you always...
Dink. (laughs)
All right, let's
fight fair, all right?
This glove is really loose.
I tightened the glove my...
Bink. Ooh.
I'm not falling for this again.
I can't get my hair
out of my mouth.
You put the earring
on there. Dink-dink.
(laughs)
When I say "ready,"
we start, OK? OK.
All right. Dink. (laughs)
Is this really that
funny to you? Yes.
All right. Don't hit me
in the face again. OK.
Uhh!
(sound plays in reverse)
Don't hit me in
the face again. OK.
Uhh!
I'm gonna go get George.
Oh, God.
Whoa!
(audience cheering
and applauding loudly)
Come on, Tim. You can't
tell me that actually works.
(whirs)
Just like it was. Impressed.
Doesn't take a genius
to fix a hair dryer.
And that's why we asked you.
Good one, Jill.
Thank you so much.
(falsetto) I just love it
when we girls get together
and do our little estrogen
humor. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
I'm going to the park
to ride my new bike.
Randy, why are you
wearing all those pads?
'Cause they look cool.
You gotta look cool,
'cause you're not riding
that kiddy bike anymore.
You'll be riding the new KX-80
man-sized Speed Demon. Ar-ar.
Hey, have fun but
ride slowly, OK?
Jill... ride slowly?
A man's gotta make
challenges for himself.
Try to visualize you're at
the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Right out of the chute, 200
miles an hour, 300, 400, 500...
Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar!
Fur ball, Tim? Ar.
I'll be going to the park now.
I would...
Oh, a chain letter.
Oh, no, is it addressed to me?
No, it's to me.
Let me see. Let me see.
"Within 24 hours of
receiving this chain letter,
"it must be sent to ten people.
If you break the chain,
you will have bad luck."
Oh, I'm shaking in my
shorts. Look at this. Watch this.
Shake all you want,
but listen to this.
"A naval officer in Borneo
disregarded this letter,
and three days later,
he was decapitated."
"Naval officer gets
his head cut off."
You read it wrong.
It says a head waiter
got his navel cut off.
Don't do that.
Why take chances?
You don't know.
This naval officer might
have had his head cut off.
Honey, honey, don't worry.
If you get your head cut
off, I'll staple-gun it back on.
The letter's addressed to you. You're
the one who's gonna have the bad luck.
God, you're right, Karen.
Something horrible
could happen to me.
I'll see you guys.
Bye-bye. Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aah! I need a
head, I need a head.
He got me through the letter.
(clank) Ohh!
(Al) Tim? Huh?
Where have you been?
You were supposed to
be here half an hour ago.
Oh, boy. My battery went
dead, so I had to charge it up.
I get to work, somebody's
parked in my spot.
Oh, gee, that's too bad,
but I have a feeling your
luck will be changing soon.
You sound like Jill.
She got all upset this morning
'cause some idiot sent
me a stupid chain letter.
Well, he wasn't
necessarily an idiot, Tim.
I don't care what
he was. I threw it out.
Well, you...
You shouldn't have done that.
You know, something
bad could happen.
Like what?
I don't know. Y-You...
You could be decapitated.
You sent me that
letter, didn't you?
I didn't say I sent it.
The chain letter says you're not
supposed to say. What chain letter?
The one I'm not
saying I sent you.
I should have
figured it was you.
I'm the only person you know.
I'm just saying that all
day I've had good luck.
Really?
I found $20 on the sidewalk,
and this morning,
I won a shovel
on a radio contest.
Whoo, a shovel.
You must have been listening
to Gravedigging With Gus.
Tim, did you see this message?
Someone named
George Foreman called,
and he said, "I'd
be happy to do it."
Yes! Thank you, Lisa.
George Foreman the boxer?
No, this is George
Foreman the hypnotist.
Yes, George Foreman the boxer.
That's great. Is he gonna come
on the show and build something?
No, I suggested he come on
and spar with you
for a couple hours.
He has a charity... George
Foreman Youth Home...
and I did a little
banquet for him,
and he said, "How
can I repay you?"
I said, "How about coming
on Tool Time?" He said yes.
(singsong) So-ho-ho-ho-ho,
Mr. Negativity.
Maybe I've got
some luck after all.
I'm just saying that if
you send that chain letter,
you'll have better luck.
Al, listen, having George
Foreman on the show...
that is good luck.
Winning a shovel...
that's not good luck.
You do not have good luck.
Al, I almost forgot... The
heat's broken in my apartment.
Can I stay at
your place tonight?
Sure, Lisa.
Thank you.
(imitates Tim's singsong)
Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm.
I can't believe you
tried that stupid jump
on your new bike.
You're gonna be
grounded till you're dead.
We have to think of a lie fast.
We could say lightning hit it.
Yeah, right.
I just wish there was some
way we could blame this on Mark.
Yeah. He believes
everything we say.
We could tell him he did it.
That's even dumber
than the lightning.
Come on, let's hide
this in the bushes
before Mom sees us.
Honey, if you want
to blow bubbles,
you have to flatten the
gum out first like that.
You mean, like this?
Well, sorta.
Yeah, well, that's one way.
Now, um, put it on the tip
of your tongue and blow.
I think you need to
practice that some more.
(phone rings)
Hello. Oh, hi, Al.
No, he's not here right n...
Wait, he should do
what with his hands?
What's wrong with his hands?
(laughs)
Is he all right?
Yeah, yeah. Sure, I'll tell him.
Thanks. Bye.
What happened?
Al and Tim were working
with some dye on the show,
and Tim accidentally
dyed his hands green.
Oh, hi, Tim.
Hi, Karen. How you doing?
Good. And you? I'm great.
Hi, honey. Oh, hi, dear.
How was work? It was good.
No bad luck today, Tim?
No, it was a great
day. Thanks. Wonderful.
Well, come here. Give me a hug.
Oh, hon.
Tim, come here a minute.
I want to talk to you.
I... Just a sec. I've
been feeling really bad
about all the nasty things
I've been saying... Don't...
No, I'd feel a lot better.
Let's just start over. Shake?
I don't want to.
Oh, look at this.
The boys left their
basketball here again.
Tim, would you get rid
of this for me? Catch.
(laughing)
(laughing)
Al called, told us
about your hands.
Why didn't you say something?
'Cause this is more fun.
Aah!
This has nothing to do with
throwing out that chain letter.
I didn't say that.
Did you say that?
Not that.
I had good luck today.
Guess who decided
to be on Tool Time?
Who?
George Foreman.
George Foreman?
Yeah. Is he an athlete?
Yes, Jill.
I know who he is. I know you do.
He's the quarterback
for the Detroit Tigers.
No, no, that's Arnold
Palmer. No, no...
Ladies... No, no, no,
he's a racecar driver.
No, he's... Yeah, he
won the Super Bowl.
Ar-ar-ar-ar!
George Foreman happens to be
the former heavyweight
champion of the world.
Oh, wow. In what sport?
(groans) Boxing.
He's a boxer, Jill. Boxing.
Boxing's not a sport.
What do you call
a great sport...
synchronized swimming?
I'm not kidding. They call
boxing the "sweet science."
Oh, really? How scientific is it
for two men to stand in a
ring and pound each other?
I'll show you how it is.
Put up your dukes.
Try to hit me in the face.
I am not gonna fight you.
I'm just gonna show you how much
skill it takes to hit a moving target.
I don't wanna hit you. I
didn't say you were gonna.
I said you were
gonna try. Dink. Dink.
Stop that. Nail him.
Come on. All right.
Good.
Hey, come on, hit me.
What's the problem?
Honey? I'm gonna get you.
Oh, I'm so scared. I'm
shaking in my boots.
See, it's a science. I
am outthinking you.
I blew a bubble!
Ahh! Ahh.
Ohh.
Ew, it's really
getting swollen. Yeah.
And red.
Maybe we should dye it
green to match your hands.
(laughs)
Well, I'm sorry, honey,
but you made me hit you.
Tim, did she hit you
with a jab or an uppercut?
It was a lucky punch is what
it was. Not so lucky for you.
Don't start this.
This has nothing to do with
me throwing out that chain letter.
I told you not to throw it away.
You didn't pull it out of the
trash and save it, did you?
No. Why, are you sorry I didn't?
No. It belongs in the trash.
Guys, I'm leaving.
Hey, my luck is
changing already.
Bye, champ. Bye.
I was talking to Jill.
Now, if he challenges
you to a rematch,
I want you to call me.
Well, I better let
his eye heal first.
(laughing)
Where would she put
that darn chain letter?
What are you doing out
here? Nothing. Nothing.
I was just out here getting
a little air on that eye.
You were not. You were
looking for that chain letter.
Was not.
Was too.
You're not gonna
find it, either,
'cause the trash was
picked up this morning.
Hi-ho, neighbors.
Oh, hi, Wilson. Hey, Wilson.
Tim, I found this kind of
wedged under my fence.
It wouldn't belong to
anybody over there, would it?
Randy? It's Randy's.
Where's Randy? Upstairs.
Is he all right? Yeah.
Randy! (Randy) Just a second!
Nice hands, Dad.
Thanks. You know
anything about this?
It looks like it was
hit by lightning.
Yeah, right. Lightning?
Yeah, Mom?
What happened to the bike?
Well, it was hit by...
Don't say lightning.
Wind.
A strong wind.
Leave.
Not you! Come back here.
What happened to the bike?
Dad, your hands are green.
They were hit by lightning.
What happened to your bike?
OK. Stevie Randall
double-dared me
to jump the ramp
down at the park.
What ramp at the park?
We built this 5-foot ramp
at the bottom of the hill
to see how far we could jump.
5 feet?!
5 feet? Wow.
You must have been
shooting off that thing.
Man is not supposed to fly.
You could really
have hurt yourself.
I would have made the
landing except the bike broke.
I think you should take it
back, Dad. It has a defect.
I think you should go upstairs
while your father and I discuss this.
Come on.
Dad? Yes?
I know you always say a man
should take care of his machine,
and I'm sorry,
but I did beat the record.
By how much? 6 feet.
Yes! Tim...
Go on upstairs! You
heard me! Go on now!
Oh, those crazy kids, honey.
You know, the defect
is probably in the bike.
It doesn't matter about the
defect. He did a stupid thing.
He had to make the jump. Why?
Honey, they double-dared him.
So?
So, our son was challenged.
He met the challenge, and
he's earned their respect.
I see. So if these kids tell him that he
should jump off a cliff, he should do that?
Ooh, you'd need a
bigger bike for that.
This is a pretty
common thing for kids.
Oh, when I was
young, ten years old,
they're dredging Quarton Lake.
My buddies challenge
me to jump off of a dock
into 3 feet of mud,
naked, and I did it.
And to this day, you
know what they call me?
The village idiot?
(cheers and applause)
Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, and
welcome to Tool Time.
(audience grunts)
Oh-oh-oh, yourselves.
Welcome to the show. I'm
Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor.
And I'm Al "the
Lucky Man" Borland.
You know, we've got
a big show this week.
We've got a special
guest, a very special guest...
the former and maybe future
heavyweight champion of the world...
Let's bring him out here.
Mr. More Power himself...
George Foreman! Yeah!
(loud cheering)
This is a building
show. We build things.
What would you like to build?
How about a sandwich?
Well, actually, we're
going to build a staircase.
I never ate a staircase.
Well, don't start now.
We only have one of 'em.
Before we get going,
I'd like you to sit down.
Ask you a few
questions, if I could.
Little conversation
about challenges.
You're a renowned heavyweight.
You've met a lot of
challenges in your life.
Has there ever been a challenge
you've been unable to meet?
There was this
seafood buffet once.
I wanted to eat 16
plates of fried shrimp.
Yeah! But when I
got to the 13th plate,
I had trouble and
started to stagger.
(whistles) What about the 14th?
TKO.
Ah, that TKO thing, yeah.
Totally keeled over.
Well, I guess we can safely say
you're the heavy
champion of the world.
Well, you know, I meant...
It was a joke, George.
That dinner taught me
something, Tim. What's that?
A man's gotta
know his limitations.
Yeah. That's some good
advice from the champ.
Hey, Tim, there something
wrong with your eye?
No, no, I hit it on something.
His wife's fist.
Thanks, Al.
You need to put a
thick steak on that eye.
I thought you're supposed
to put ice on a black eye.
And when you're done with
ice, you can't barbecue it.
Why don't we get right on
that project, what do you say?
Lisa, bring out that staircase.
OK. Here you go, fellas.
Thank you, Lisa.
Well, Al's already
set up our staircase,
and we're ready to proceed.
Al, what's the next stage
in the staircase assembly?
Well, as you can
see, we're about ready
to nail in our risers
and tread. Ohh!
(moans)
(chuckles)
You think that's funny, huh?
Well... Ohh.
Since you're the guest here,
why don't you hit
that first nail, George?
Here you go.
George, what are you doing?
Well, if I'm gonna hit that nail,
Tim, I've gotta get angry with it.
Huh?
So I'm gonna close my eyes
and imagine it's
Evander Holyfield.
You gonna hold that nail for
me? (taps board) Al, hold that nail.
I don't think so, Tim.
George, hold your own nail.
I don't think so, Tim.
Lisa!
(Lisa) I don't think so, Tim.
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't I just
start the nail for you?
Hey, yeah.
I didn't go to college
for nothing, George.
OK, George, take a wing at that.
(breathing heavily) We'll get
ready with our measurements...
Give way, people.
Good gracious.
1! 2! 3! 4!
You're outta there!
Wilson, are you over there?
As far as I know, Tim.
Are you a superstitious
man, Wilson?
No, I'm not, Tim.
(knocks) Knock wood.
Well, I'm not
superstitious, either,
but I know this guy that,
one day, got a black eye,
flattened his finger and
dyed his hands an odd color.
Green?
Yeah. It's me.
I've been having this
string of bad luck lately,
and I wonder if it's because I
threw out this cheesy chain letter.
Well, personally, Tim, I place
no credence in chain letters.
'Course, I did
have a friend once
who didn't return
a chain letter,
and he disappeared mysteriously.
He was a naval
officer in Borneo.
He was decapitated. No.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(weakly) Ar-ar-ar.
Well, I'll have to
send the family a card.
What do I do about
this chain letter?
The problem may
not be the chain letter.
Someone's planted the
concept of bad luck in your mind,
and therefore your subconscious
is expecting bad luck.
Ergo, bad luck happens.
'Ere you go. Mm-hmm.
Bad luck. Bad luck.
What if someone wasn't
as enlightened as me?
How would they
get rid of that curse?
Well, some people
think it can be broken
by carrying garlic
and wolfsbane.
Wolfsbane.
Mm-hmm. Genus Aconitum vulparia.
Yeah, sure.
Mm-hmm. Also called
monkshood. Mm-hmm.
It's a herb indigenous
to the Eurasian plain.
It's very, very rare,
almost impossible to find.
Where would I go get some?
Right here, Tim.
Do you have any
garlic? Be my guest.
(both laugh)
Try to bring that back,
Tim. I'm making pizza.
You know, Dad, jumping off
that ramp really was stupid.
It sure was. You could
have been hurt real bad.
A man's gotta know his
limitations, that's what it is.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
But I think I know
why you did it.
See, when I was
young, I knew this kid,
this real bright
good-looking kid
that everybody used
to taunt, you know?
They challenged him,
and he met their challenge
by diving off a dock
into 3 foot of mud, naked.
Man, that was stupid.
It wasn't as stupid
as what you did.
I think it's kinda brave.
Brave?
Yeah, big shot. You
had pads. I was naked.
Tim, look at this.
Hey, Mom, did you know Dad
jumped into 3 feet of mud, naked?
Again?
And I get busted
for ramp jumping.
Yeah, yeah. You just
go get ready for bed.
Honey, I was just making
this list, and, you know,
I don't think that
all this bad luck
is just because
of that chain letter.
You don't, do you?
No. Listen to this.
In the last month, you
have done the following.
"Backed a pickup
truck into a house.
"Almost electrocuted
yourself three times.
Nailed your shoe into the floor"
and "glued your
head to a table."
What's your point?
Well, the point is,
it's not the chain letter
that's bringing you bad luck.
It's you. You're a
klutz. Isn't that great?
Honey, I'm thrilled.
No, really, you don't have to
worry about being superstitious.
I'm not superstitious.
This is your fault.
Mine? Yes.
You were the one that planted
the idea of bad luck in my mind,
and let the "air go" (ergo)
out of my subconscious.
Hey...
I did what?
Don't deny this. You
and I are a lot different,
because I don't buy into
all this hocus-pocus jazz.
What?
Is that garlic I smell?
That's a cologne.
Why is this in your pocket?
I... I was holding
it for Wilson.
And what is this? Huh?
This. What is this? Wolfsbane.
Wouldn't be trying to
ward off any evil spirits,
would you, Tim?
Wilson said that if I
put those in my pockets,
it would turn bad
luck into good luck.
Really? How does it do that?
I'll show you.
OK.
Garlic goes here... Yeah...
wolfsbane goes here.
Then you're supposed
to take your wife,
give her three kisses.
1... 2...
And the third one's really long.
Ah.
You know what? What?
Wilson was right. About what?
You're about to get real lucky.
(grunts) Ohh...
This is what we're
supposed to do? No, here.
OK. Like that and
like that. All right.
Now, a lucky punch...
you can't rely on those.
You can't always have a
distraction to get a good punch in.
But what if I hit you again?
You ain't gonna hit me again.
Mark, come on, put
the bubblegum away.
Why do you always...
Dink. (laughs)
All right, let's
fight fair, all right?
This glove is really loose.
I tightened the glove my...
Bink. Ooh.
I'm not falling for this again.
I can't get my hair
out of my mouth.
You put the earring
on there. Dink-dink.
(laughs)
When I say "ready,"
we start, OK? OK.
All right. Dink. (laughs)
Is this really that
funny to you? Yes.
All right. Don't hit me
in the face again. OK.
Uhh!
(sound plays in reverse)
Don't hit me in
the face again. OK.
Uhh!
I'm gonna go get George.
Oh, God.
Whoa!
(audience cheering
and applauding loudly)