Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 18 - Baby, It's Cold Outside - full transcript

Randy, don't fly
that in the house.

Go brush your teeth. Brad, hurry
up, you're gonna miss the bus.

OK. I'm just trying to figure out
what to write for Jennifer's valentine.

Ooh, you got Jennifer
a valentine. Gag me.

OK. All right, all
right. None of that.

All this mushy stuff is stupid.
You're too young to understand.

Hey, I'm only 13
months younger than you.

When you get to be my age,
you'll look at girls differently.

How, like this?

Hey, enough. Enough.
Randy, go brush your teeth.

So, you got Jennifer a
valentine. That's really sweet.



It's no big deal. I'm just gonna
give it to her at school today.

What do you think?

Hmm. G.I. Joe
valentine. That's nice.

What's this thing he's
holding? It's a flame thrower.

Hmm, how romantic.

What do ya got? A
G.I. Joe valentine.

Boy, wish I had one
of these for your mom.

Ha.

I have a box full of
them up in my room.

Do you have any with armored
personnel carriers on them?

I'll go see. Great!

So, you're gonna go
all out this year, huh?

Honey, don't worry. I'll stop
by the carwash after work,

pick you up something special.



Oh. I could use a
hot wax and a buff.

You know what would
have been a great idea?

Is to go to that Stone Creek
Lodge. Oh, I would have loved that.

Let's go. Oh, come on, honey.
You have to call way in advance.

It's Valentine's Day weekend.
It's the busiest time of the year.

You're right. Darn.

Oh, but... but what
do you suppose this is?

Look at that. "Reservations
confirmed for Mr. and Mrs. Tim Taylor

at the Stone Creek
Lodge." You didn't?

You did! Oh, honey.

I just hope you like your
room. Any room will be fine.

Because you'll be staying
at the Honeymoon Suite!

The Honeymoon Suite! Oh, good.

You must have made
reservations, like, two months ago.

Three. Three! Oh!

OK, we're going to
start early in the morning,

drop the kids off at
Aunt Helen's on the way,

then I whisk you to a weekend
of bliss at the Stone Creek Lodge.

Oh, Tim, I love it
when you surprise me.

Wait till we get to
the room. (growls)

(growls)

Ooh!

Welcome back, everybody.

I finished installing that
trailer hitch on the bumper.

Luckily, Al was able to
find that fire extinguisher.

Who would have thought that
chrome cleaner was that flammable?

I guess whoever put the
warning on the label, Tim.

OK, Al. Well, we're
almost finished for today.

And I want you to remember that
next time, all next week on Tool Time

we do our salute... to camping.

To preview what's coming up, I'm
gonna ask Lisa to bring out our sponsor

and the president of Binford
Tools, Mr. John Binford.

(applause)

Hi, Tim. Good to be
here. Good to be here.

Thank you. Well, you know, Lisa,

it looks like John's decked
out in Binford's latest line

of camping gear,
huh? That's right.

Everything Mr. Binford's wearing is
totally insulated and electro-heated.

The entire ensemble
has a 120 volts in it.

Boy, you step out in the
rain and you're a goner, boss.

Not true, Tim. The entire Binford
line is completely water-resistant.

Just like you.

You know, just seeing
him in this camping gear

makes me want to take
my whole family camping.

Now that's a good
idea, Tim. What?

Camping. You should take your
whole family and go out this weekend.

Well, actually, I got some big plans
this weekend. Then change them.

How would you folks like
to see some home movies

of Tim and his family camping?

(applause)

Well, that's settled, then.

By golly, next week Tim is gonna
have home movies on Tool Time.

Thank you very much.
Goodbye, everybody.

Damn, I'm hotter
than a hen in a sack.

Get me out of this
damn crap, will you?

John, I can't go
camping this weekend.

You're not gonna let
me down, are you, Tim?

No, I promised Jill a valentine's
romantic getaway this weekend.

Oh, golly. Well,
maybe I can help.

Mr. Binford, why don't I take
Tim's place? Oh, great idea.

I can take videotapes of me
enjoying the camping equipment.

Who would want to watch a
bachelor talk to himself in the forest?

Wait a minute. Al is real popular
on the show. A lot of people like him.

Well, I'm gonna have to get
cold-blooded about this, I guess.

Tim, you know that
you're the finest salesman

that I've ever
had. Thanks, John.

That's the reason that
you're host of the show. Yep.

Tim, I've never said
this before, but, well...

you're kind of the
son that I never had.

Oh. No, it's true.

I'd trade all six of my daughters
straight up for one of you.

Don't say that.
No, it's the truth.

Well, I've got a whole damn
warehouse full of camping stuff,

and I've got to move it.

To put it bluntly,
my ox is in the ditch.

Can I count on you? Absolutely.

(doorbell rings)

I'll get it!

Hi, Bradley. Hi, Jennifer.

Oh, hi, Jennifer.
Come on in. Sit down.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs.
Taylor. I can't stay.

Oh, that's too bad.

I didn't see you
at school today,

so I couldn't give you
your valentine. Here.

Oh, that is so sweet.
All those little hearts.

Mom. Sorry. I'll
be in the kitchen.

Don't you have a
valentine for me?

Uh... no.

Oh.

But I'll have one to you by
Monday. It'll be a good one.

OK. Bye.

Bye.

Bradley, why didn't you
give her your valentine?

Because Bobby Pilsky gave her a
huge one, and he made it himself.

I'm not gonna give her
a dinky G.I. Joe one.

Well, why don't you make one
yourself? I'm not good at that stuff.

Well, I am.

Go get some construction
paper. I think I have... yes, yes.

Some red glitter, and
maybe some doilies.

Oh, no. Not doilies!

Oh, oh, honey. I have
something I want to show you.

This is all I'm gonna be
wearing this weekend.

Boy, are you gonna be cold.

There's been a
little change in plans.

Change. What change?

Jill, you really love me,
don't you? Of course.

And we're always
gonna be together, right?

Yes, unless we're not going to the
Stone Creek Lodge this weekend.

Oh, no. We're going to
the Stone Creek Lodge,

but we're taking a
little side trip. To?

You're gonna think this
is really funny. Try me.

OK. Today on on Tool Time,
I started telling everybody

how we like to go camping as
a family. And we do, don't we?

Just get to the
really funny part.

OK.

Oh, let me gather myself.
This is just so funny.

I told Mr. Binford...

that I'd take you all winter camping
and videotape it this weekend.

Well, I guess I
won't be needing this.

Jill, I didn't plan it like this. He
cornered me. He offered me a bonus.

It's some camping thing.
I couldn't make him mad.

But you can make me mad. Yeah!

No. No.

But I've got a good idea.

We don't have to camp
for the whole weekend.

We just have to
look like we did.

Keep talking. OK, OK.

Now, Wilson says he goes to
this place called Crystal Lake.

It's on the way up North.
It's near Aunt Helen's.

So, I say we go to
this Crystal Lake,

we go look like we're camping, a
couple of hours, have lunch or something,

videotape it, get back in
the car, drop the kids off

and we are at the lodge
in front of a cozy fire.

It might work. Oh! It
will work. Trust me, OK?

The last time I trusted
you, we had Mark.

Boys, sing with me.

♪ A-camping we will
go, a-camping we will go

♪ Hi-ho, the dairy-o...
ho-ho, ho-ho, ho-ho

Well, that's the spirit, Brad.

Dad, I'm trying to come up with
a poem for Jennifer's valentine.

Oh, I'm sorry. You're
a little stuck there, huh?

Yeah. Take a look.

OK. "I think you're swell,
I think you're sweet..."

You know what could
follow this? What?

"How'd you like
to smell my feet?"

Here comes Mom.

Wow, this is great, Mom.
Cut, honey. Just cut, cut.

What took you so
long, honey? I had a little

problem with that
hill. I slid down it.

Are you all right? No, I'm fine.
I'm fine. A tree broke my fall.

Oh. I don't wanna sound like
I'm complaining or anything,

but I'm so cold, I
can't feel my toes.

Did you turn on your
electric socks? No.

I did, and my feet are
roasty-toasty warm.

Look, let's just pitch
the tent, build the fire,

sing "Kumbaya,"
and get out of here.

Give me those instructions. OK.

I'm with you 100%,
my little valentine.

OK, guys, we need some
firewood. So, go collect me some.

But stay together.

OK, Jill. I want you to start
reading me the instructions

and we'll put this up, take some
pictures, and be all set. Oh...

This new Binford stuff
doesn't look like our tent.

OK. Here it is. It says, "Spread out the
tent body with the floor to the ground."

Piece of cake. All right,
keep... keep reading.

"Join the shockcorded pole
sections to form four poles,

"each 13 feet long.

"The pole sleeves
begin approximately

15 inches up from any floor
webbing loop." Are you getting this?

Does it look like
I'm getting this?

"Insert the first two
poles into the two sleeves.

"After getting two complete
poles through the sleeves,

"you place the
aluminum-tipped end

into the grommet of the floor
webbing loop." That's this.

Floor webbing... this. OK. Yeah.

"By now it should
be partially erect."

(both) The tent.

All right. Now, let me have
that. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, you see, it goes over here.
Honey, let go, please. Let go of it!

OK. Ow! Oh, oh. Honey, honey.

Are you OK? Oh, you
punctured my sock battery.

No, you punctured
your sock battery.

Can you do something
else? I'll do the tent.

Well, OK. I'll set
up the camp stove.

(sniffs) They burning tir...? It
smells like burning tires, doesn't it?

It's your feet!

And your breath
smells fresh, too.

No, no, no, I mean it. It's your
feet, your feet, your feet, feet!

They're smoking!

Aah!

Man, I'm starving. Me, too.
When are we gonna eat?

As soon as Daddy gets back
from the car with the food.

He's been gone a long
time. Maybe he's lost.

If he doesn't come back, you
know what the rule of the forest is?

What? We eat the youngest first.

Hey, Dad, where's the food?
It's in the trunk of the car.

Why didn't you bring
it? We're hungry.

I got halfway to the
car, I turned right around,

because I think my boys need
some wilderness training. What?

Listen, you can get lost
in these woods pretty easy.

So, I have a
little test for you.

Where do you think the car is?

You lost the car, didn't you,
Dad? It's right where I left it.

Right. I'm gonna go
tell Mom you lost the car.

There's no reason she should
know this. Come here. Stop!

Well, don't you think she's gonna
figure it out when we start walking home?

How long do you suppose you
can survive out here on your own?

You're right. Mom
doesn't need to know.

Hey, honey, you got
the tent up, a fire going.

Yeah, it's easy, you know?

As long as you just are patient
and you follow the instructions,

and you have your wonderful, cooperative
boys to help you. We even got it on video.

Great. Now all we
need is the food.

Aah. Food?

Yeah. Where is it?

I can't find it.

What do you mean, you can't
find it? It's in the trunk of the car.

Oh, my God. You lost the car?

Honey, don't panic. Don't panic.

I came up here to
get my compass.

What good is that gonna do?
Honey, now I know where north is.

So? How does that
help you find the car?

It's so technical. It's
hard to explain, honey.

Tim, why don't
you just admit it?

There is no way we're gonna
make it to Stone Creek Lodge.

Oh, yes, we are.

All we got to do is find
the car, get the food,

bring it down here, cook a
lunch, make a video, pack it up,

put the kids in the car,
take them to Aunt Helen's,

and we whisk away to the romantic
weekend at Stone Creek Lodge

just like I promised. No matter
what you think, we're going.

Well, I don't think it's gonna happen.
Well, I'm gonna make it happen.

Tim, you already burned up your
socks, you lost your rod and reel,

now you can't find the car. You're trying
to do too much. It's not gonna happen!

You're insinuating
this is my fault?

No, I'm not insinuating
it's your fault.

I'm saying it. It's your fault.
You. Fault. You. Your fault!

I am not gonna stand here and
listen to this. I'm going to the car.

Fine. Fine.

The car is that way.

Shows how much you know.

Told you.

Brad? Hey, Randy,
is that you? Hello?

Hey. Hi-ho, neighbor.

Wilson? Didn't mean
to startle you, Tim.

What are you doing up here? Well, I
always come up here for Valentine's Day.

Spend time with my
true love, Mother Nature.

Well, I'm glad
you're here. I'm lost.

That's why I come up
here, Tim. To lose myself.

Only when you lose yourself
can you begin to find yourself.

I must be really found,
because I'm completely lost.

You got a minute? Well, Tim,
I think I can squeeze you in.

For three months I've been planning
on this romantic weekend with Jill,

and I said nothing was gonna
interfere with it. Mm-hmm.

So, me, Mr. Bonehead, I
go ahead and tell Mr. Binford

that I'm gonna have a weekend winter
camping with my family the same weekend.

Mm-hmm.

Why did you do that, Tim?

Wilson, I thought I could do both,
you know, and make everybody happy.

Well, Tim, let me
tell you a little story...

about a doe, a
deer, female deer.

You're not gonna break
into a song, are you?

No, no, no, no, no, Tim.

Anyway, once, when
I was driving up here,

I came across a young deer
standing in the middle of the road,

and my headlights were
shining directly into its eyes.

She started to move one way,
then she moved another way.

Then she panicked, she froze.

I had to swerve the car to avoid
hitting her. Ended up running into a tree.

Whoa. Now, the deer
was happy, but I wasn't.

If she had chosen one direction
and ran, we both would've been happy.

(mumbles)

You see, Tim, when you try to
go in too many directions at once,

you end up going nowhere.

I know what direction I wanna
go... right to that Stone Creek Lodge.

Good for you, Tim. But
first, I've got to go get my car.

Well, I parked my truck right next to
it. It's 300 yards south by southeast.

Thank you, Wilson.
I'll walk with you, Tim.

Thanks, Mom. This hot
chocolate is great. Thank you.

You want some more, sweetheart?

Yes, please.

(howling)

What was that?

Oh, I don't know, but don't worry
about it. You're completely safe here.

Hey, Mom, this camping stuff is really
fun. I'm glad Dad wanted to do this.

You are?

Yeah. You didn't have fun putting
up the tent and making the fire?

Well, actually, I've been real
focused on getting to the lodge,

but... I'm having
a real good time.

Do you mind if we go over
there and build a snow fort?

No, as long as you
don't wander off alone.

Oh, thank God. I
was getting worried.

I heard this awful howling.

Oh, that was me.

Couldn't find any leaves,
I had to use a pine cone.

What are you drinking? Oh, it's
hot chocolate. You want some?

Where did you get hot chocolate?

Well, the boys had a candy bar.

So, I just melted
some snow with it.

Wow. It tastes like mint.

I added some toothpaste.

What is the deal
with that string?

Well, ahem, I found the car,
and I moved it up to this little hill,

so I wouldn't lose it this
time. But just to make sure,

I took this 200-pound test fishing
line, tied one end to the bumper

and the other end's being tied to
me. We're not losing the car again.

You know, Tim,
it's getting dark.

I don't think you're gonna
be able to finish that video.

Oh, forget the video, and I'm
sorry I dragged you into this thing,

but right now, I've got one
direction... that Stone Creek Lodge.

Look, Tim, let's be realistic.

By the time we pack up
here, drop off the boys,

drive to the lodge, we're only gonna
have time to fall asleep, check out,

pick up the boys, and go home.

What, do you suggest
we stay here? Yeah.

We can do it. It'll be fun.

Boy, I love you, Jill.

Besides,

it doesn't matter where
you are on Valentine's Day,

just who you're with.

This is all I'll be wearing
tonight. (Jill laughs)

Tim? Yeah.

Did you say that you parked
the car on a steep hill? Uh-huh.

Did you set the parking brake?
Why would I wanna do that?

Oh, jeez!

I'll be right back.

What's the matter?
I can't do this.

What if she thinks it's stupid?
She won't. I helped you make it.

And I helped you write the
poem. She'll think it's great.

Go on. Don't leave her standing
out there by herself. Go on.

Here. I made this.

Oh, Bradley.

"I'll give you candy
and I'll give you a flower.

Forget Bobby Pilsky,
I have more power."