Home Improvement (1991–1999): Season 1, Episode 17 - What About Bob? - full transcript

Good night, everybody.
See you next time.

Nice going, Al.
It wasn't my fault.

Yes, it was. No, it wasn't.

Thanks for wrecking
another show, Al.

Well, you're the one that stuck
your foot in the joint compound, Tim.

That you left right
behind me on purpose.

I did not. Did, too.

Not. Too!

Could you help me out
of the bucket, please?

OK, here. Brace
yourself. Al, Al, Al!

Tim! Tim, Mr. Binford's
looking for you.



Oh, great! Great!

The sponsor shows up,
and I'm stuck in a bucket.

Al, thanks for the book.

It means a lot to me.

Oh, Al. (stomps foot)

What was that all
about? Nothing, Tim.

It's just, she and I are
both big Bob Vila fans.

You know, he's in town
signing his new book.

Isn't that wonderful? Just get
my shoe out of the bucket, please.

Well, I can't believe it.

I actually got to talk to the pioneer
in home repair. The pioneer?

Without Bob Vila, there would be
no Tool Time. He paved the way.

Listen, Al. Any paving done on Tool
Time was done by me, the big asphalt.

Taylor! Oh, Taylor!



(Al) Back here,
Mr. Binford. Hi, Borland.

(laughs)

Boy, have I got a surprise
for you. Well, great, boss.

Guess who's gonna be on
the show tomorrow afternoon.

Ahh... Bob Vila.

Really? Hell of
an idea, isn't it?

Great. He's the
pioneer of home repair.

Darn right. We'll
sell some tools, too.

Oops. I see a vision.

A competition. A competition?

Friendly but fierce, between
our Taylor and Bob Vila.

We'll call it "Stump
the Tool Man."

A very good idea, Mr. Binford.
Don't suck up to me, Borland.

Every red-blooded
male will be calling in,

wanting to know if Taylor or
Bob Vila is king of the home repair.

John, do we really need
competition on this show?

You're not afraid,
are you, Timmy?

Of Bob Vila? No, no, no.

Good. You'll represent me,
be selling a hell of lot of tools.

Have yourself a good
time and kick Bob's butt.

OK, stump the tool
man. Ask me a hard one.

OK. You're attaching two-by-fours
to a concrete foundation.

What tool do you
use? Piece of cake.

Electro-pneumatic rotary hammer
drill. Low vibration, variable speed. Yes!

Come on, another one - hard
one. Come on, Tim. Give it a rest.

There's no way you are ever gonna
know all the stuff in these books.

Honey, Bob Vila knows
everything in those books.

That's because he
wrote most of them.

That sure makes me feel better.

Are you afraid big, bad Bob is
gonna make you look foolish?

Better men than him
have made me look foolish.

That didn't sound right, did it? Ask
me another question. (phone ringing)

Wait a sec.

Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs. Woolitt.

He did what?

Oh, I am so sorry.

Well, I promise it'll
never happen again.

Listen, I'll send him over
right away to apologize.

Oh, you did? Oh,
well, OK. That'll be fine.

Thanks. Goodbye.

Randall William Taylor, get
in here. I wanna talk to you.

Middle name. He's in trouble.

Randy yanked the
shoes off of a kid at school

and filled them with Cheez Whiz.

Mom, you don't
understand. He's a total geek.

Don't call him that. What
am I supposed to call him?

How about "the whiz kid"?

Tim! Cheese and everything...

Randy, this is not like you. Why
would you do something like this?

Mom, Curtis is the most
annoying kid on earth.

It's true. He drives everybody
crazy. Well, I don't care.

Curtis is coming over here, and
I want you to apologize to him.

OK, honey. Ask me another one.
All right. One more, and that is all.

What is an adze?

A-D-Z-E. That's a tool?

Yeah, it's right here. "Adze: a
medieval wood-shaping tool."

Oh, get real. What are the chances
somebody's gonna call and ask about that?

Might be good, if
I'm the one calling.

Hey, hey, hey. Pretty sly.

What are the chances
Bob Vila's gonna know that?

I know why I love you sometimes.

Look, in case I get in trouble,

I'm gonna look at the
camera, I'll scratch like this,

and I'll say, "Let's
go to a female caller."

You call this number,

and Kathy will patch you right
through the switchboard to me.

OK. (doorbell)

That must be Curtis. Randy!

Come on, Mark. Let's get
out of here. I want to meet him.

No, you don't. He's a
bigger geek than you are.

Wow!

Curtis, I believe that Randy has
something that he wants to say to you.

Sorry about the Cheez Whiz.

Thanks. I feel much
better now. (sniffs)

Curtis, this is Randy's dad,
Mr. Taylor. Hi, Curtis. How are you?

My father and I watch
Tool Time. Good.

We really like Al.

We all like Al.

He is a geek.

See ya, female caller.

Good luck, big,
bad Tim. (grunting)

May I please have
something to drink?

Yeah. Randy, would you
get your guest a soda?

Mrs. Taylor, you look a
lot older than my mom.

How old are you?

Old enough not to
answer that question.

That's what my grandma says.

(♪ Tool Time theme song)

Thank you. Welcome, everybody.
This is Tim "the tool man" Taylor,

and welcome to a special live edition
of Tool Time. Today on the show we're...

It's special because we
have a very special guest.

Why don't we let the audience
decide how special the guest is, Al?

I'm sure a lot of you have seen
his show and maybe read his books.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mr. Bob Vila.

(cheering)

Thank you. Thank you.

What a great audience.
Just a wonderful audience.

Thank you. It's just so great
to be here on your show, Jim.

It's Tim.

I'd like you to meet my
assistant. Oh, Al and I've met.

How you doing? Good to see you
again. The pleasure is mine, Mr. Vila.

Call me Bob. I can't.

Well, why don't we get
started? Bob, you can sit

down over here. Before
we get to our project,

we have a little friendly competition
called "Stump the Tool Man."

Oh, that'll be
fun. It sure will.

Now, if you have any questions
about home improvement or tools,

I want you to call 555-TOOL.

That's 555-T-O-O-L.

Why don't we go
to that first caller?

Hi. This is Clarence. Hi,
Clarence. What's your problem?

My wife is always changing her
mind where pictures should be hung.

Hey, we can't help with that. Women
can never make up their minds, can they?

Tell me about it. Our
walls are so full of holes,

they're starting to look like
Swiss cheese. Got any ideas?

Oh, yeah. I'd slap some ham
on that wall and have a sandwich.

Uh... you know,
the cheese and...

Anyway, the best
way to fix a nail hole

would be use joint
compound. Get a putty knife...

Uh, I really think spackle
would be a better idea.

I agree with Mr. Vila.
I'm sure you do, Al.

Clarence, you want to use
the spackle with that putty knife

and very carefully fill
in all those little holes.

And then you just sand them smooth
and touch them up with some paint.

The walls will be like new.

Well, I believe this
round goes to Mr. Vila.

We're not keeping score, Al.

I am.

Hi, there. Hi, this is Chet.

Hi, Chet. Tim, I try to catch
your show whenever I can.

Thank you, Chet. I appreciate
that. And, Bob, I never miss yours.

Hey, thanks a lot. I'm really looking
forward to reading your new book.

Quit the chitchat, Chet, and
let's get with that question.

Well, I was wondering...
I'm remodeling my house,

and I would like to know,
what was the name of that wood

that you used on
the ceiling of that...

that old cracker house
in Naples, Florida? What?

The house we had on the show
- yeah, that was pecky cypress.

Thanks, Bob. I believe
that's two points for Mr. Vila.

Well, how am I
supposed to know that?

Perhaps if you watched
Mr. Vila's show...

You know, this isn't fair.
We should get a question

that both of us have an
equal chance of answering.

Why don't we go
to a female caller?

(man) Hello? Is there
a female caller there?

(hangs up) (man
#2) Is this Tim Taylor?

Do we have a female
caller out there?

Randy, have you seen a piece of paper
with a phone number on it? No, Mom.

Yes, Mother, I'm
having a very nice time.

No, our house is
definitely cleaner.

Curtis, have you seen a piece of
paper with a phone number on it?

I threw my gum away in it.

Yes, Mother. She's very nice.

No, much heavier than you.

(dial tone)

Mother? Mother?

And to make sure they line up, it's
a good idea to use a doweling jig,

'cause remember, a job worth
doing is a job worth doing right.

Goes without saying,
doesn't it, Bob?

Still waiting for
that female caller.

Still waiting for that
female caller. (Jill) Hello?

Hello. What's your name?
This is Jill... ene. Uh, Jillene.

Hello, Jill... Jillene.
What's your question?

Well, it's kind of a hard one.

Well, I think one of us
will be able to answer it.

OK. Can you tell me the name
of a medieval wood-shaping tool?

Ooh, that's hard. Um...

Maybe you'd like to
handle this one, Bob.

I'd love to. I think Jillene's probably
thinking about something called an adze.

Nice try, Bob, but the tool you're...
How the hell did you know that?

Let's get back to our project.

As you recall, last time we were trying
to put a new doorway into an existing wall.

As you can see by
our mock-up here,

we've got our jack studs in place.
Now we're gonna put our header in.

So, are you planning on using
a doubled-up two-by-eight?

No, I'm not, Bob.

I'm thinking about using
that beefy boy over there,

a four-by-eight big piece
of American Doug fir.

Doug fir. Hmm. OK. And, folks, it's a
good idea to use your framing square

at this point in the job,
'cause you wanna make sure

this header goes in there nice
and level. Excellent point, Mr. Vila.

Yeah, there's nothing worse than trying to
hang a door in an opening that isn't true.

How true, how true. Al,
I was gonna get to that.

Tim?

We'll be back after these
messages from Binford.

(Tim) Cut! Cut!

Just what in the world
do you think you're doing?

You've associated the name of
Binford tools with the killing of Bob Vila!

That's a little harsh - the word
"kill," isn't it? I winged the guy.

I started this company with one
wrench and the sweat of my brow.

I'm not about to flush it
down the crapper now.

You don't understand.
No, you don't understand.

I've got six daughters and
nobody wants to marry 'em.

Well, Mr. Binford, I always
thought Maureen was quite lovely.

Can it, Borland. Doc, what does it
look like? Well, he seems to be OK,

but I think we should get him to the
emergency room to get checked out.

That's a good idea.
OK, Bob, let's go.

Listen, that was just a little
ol' piece of wood that hit you.

I took a grenade during the war.

Yeah, listen. I've
got a fine miter box I

want to show you,
too. It really cuts the...

Well, Al, I hope
you're satisfied.

Well, what did I do?
Well, you distracted me.

That's why I whacked
him, Mr. Negativity.

I think you did this on purpose because
he beat you at "Stump the Tool Man."

Oh, come on. He didn't beat me.

You even cheated. You
had Jill call in. That wasn't Jill.

I would never
have my wife call in.

Well, you don't have to worry about
that since you'll never be married.

Al, that came out wrong.
I didn't mean it like that.

You'll have a wife one of these days.
If you don't, you'll have a girlfriend.

Somebody who really likes you,
not just some desperate woman.

Oh, he's so sensitive.

Really? Tomorrow?

Well, Mr. Vila must
be a good sport.

OK, yes, sir. I will
tell him. Goodbye.

What's going on? Bob Vila
agreed to be on the show tomorrow.

Why? Does he want to get hit
in the head again? No, Curtis.

Don't you think you're cooking the
carrots too long? No, I don't, Curtis.

I don't like them
when they're soggy.

They're not going
to get soggy, Curtis.

We should have a green vegetable
with those. Zucchini would be nice.

You know what would really be
nice, Curtis? If you would just shut the...

Say it, Mom.

Randy, honey, would you take
Curtis up to your room now, please?

All right. Let's go, Curtis.

Oh, hi, honey. Hi.

Are you OK? Yeah.

I just hope I don't hear
the name Bob Vila again.

Well, Mr. Binford called.

God. What now?

Somebody has agreed to
come back and be on the show.

I'm not saying who, but it was
someone you hit with a board.

Bob Vila? Was
there somebody else?

No, Jill. I'm cutting back. I'm just
knocking out one guy a week now.

Mr. Binford thinks that you
should work things out with Bob...

on the air. Work what
out? It was Al's fault.

He distracted me and I hit him.
How many times I gotta tell people?

Don't get snippy with me. I
didn't hit him with a four-by-four.

It was a four-by-eight.

Oh, but you were the one that
said, "He won't know what an adze is."

Oh, now it's my fault. I didn't say,
"Why don't you take the question, Bob?"

I have a rough day, I come home looking
for a little support. You had a rough day?

I got stuck in this house all
day with that little... Curtis.

Mrs. Taylor, after
seeing Randy's room,

I don't think my mom
would want me to eat here.

What a shame.

Well... goodbye.

It's starting to get dark. Could
someone drive me home?

Get your coat. I'm
gonna run you home.

If you're gonna drive him home, make
sure there are air holes in the trunk.

Howdy, Wilson. Hi-ho, neighbor.

What are you cooking?
Boiling up some willow bark.

It's an old folk remedy for
a headache. I got aspirin.

No. Tim, it wouldn't
be the same.

Mankind may have
given me the headache,

but nature will take it away.

Sure could've used that
today. Hmm? Bad day today?

The worst. I yell
at Jill, I insult Al,

and I knocked a guest out on
my show with a four-by-eight.

Hmm-mm-mm. That
is a bad day. Well...

Who was your guest, by the way?

You wouldn't know him. He's
the pioneer of home repair.

Oh, you mean Bob Vila!

You know him? Oh,
everybody knows Bob.

I can see how a guy like that
might intimidate you, though.

He knows an
awful lot about tools.

That's just it. Why
would he intimidate me?

Why does everybody think he
knows more about tools than I do?

Well, does he, Tim?

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

He even knew what an
adze was without cheating.

Yes, the old medieval
wood-shaping tool.

How am I supposed to
top that? Oh, you can't, Tim.

So I go back on my show and
look like a fool again. Tim, Tim, Tim.

The first step for greatness
is humbling yourself.

(grunts)

Maybe you shouldn't try to have all the
answers, and instead ask more questions.

You see, Tim, a truly wise man
always has more questions than answers.

So... would that make
me wiser than you, Wilson?

Well, what do you think, Tim?

(knock on door)

(emphatic knocking)

(knocking continues)

Well, we've finished
putting in that door,

and something is still missing.

The light switch to our
beautiful chandelier.

But before we
install the light switch,

I'd like to point out another
bright spot on the show -

my assistant, Al, who is a very
special guy. Well, thank you, Tim.

And I'd also like to mention to you
ladies that he's single and very available.

Uh, Tim, are we ready
for our special guest?

Oh, right you are, Al.

Let's welcome back to the show a
fully repaired and healed up Mr. Bob Vila.

(cheers/applause)

It's not like I'm gonna hit ya.

I'll just hang back here
with Al, all right? Fine, fine.

'Cause I'm a humble enough guy
to admit when I've made a mistake.

And we had a bad accident
on the show last time,

and I want to say that I
take full blame for that.

Tim, I accept your
apology. Can I go now?

Well, I was hoping you'd
help us put in the wall switch.

Well, you're the expert, Tim.
You really should install the switch.

Well, I have to be
humble enough to say

that I really don't know all there
is to know about home repair.

Well, Tim, you surprise me.

Oh, come on, Al. This is Bob
Vila, the big kahuna of home repair,

and I think the audience
would like to see him

in action. What do you
think, folks? Come on.

Well, what the heck?

I mean, electrical
work is not my strong

point, Tim, but this
is pretty simple stuff.

I assume you've knocked out the
hole and fed the wires through there.

That would be these three here.
And then the very important thing is

to make sure they're clamped down
securely with a lock nut connector.

I was in Scotland this year, and I
actually saw the lock nut connector.

Connect away, Bob.

Tim, are you sure you
turned off the electricity?

That goes without saying, Al.

Well, now that we've
said it, have you done it?

Tim, it's your show. I think
you should install the switch.

Oh, you're the
guest. Go on, go on.

Al, would you do this, please?

I don't think so, Bob.

Oh, come on, you guys.

What the heck. I'll
put it in. Go for it.

It's a simple socket switch.

Wiring is very simple. I just
thought Bob'd like to take a shot at it.

Wiring's very simple with
these... I got a little... There, OK.

Now, green, of course,
like the ground, is green.

White is hot and... No, white...

Well, hot... What
is this one here?

(Tim) Aah!

(Brad) Curtis is coming! Oh, no.

Curtis is coming!
(Mark) He's almost here!

Brad, get the lights.
Everybody hide.

Shh, shh, shh!
Don't make a sound.

Shh.

(knock on door)

Is anybody home? Hello!

I saw your lights on!

My mom said I
could stay overnight!

But you have to let me in first!

I know you're in there!

Hello!

(slow) He's fakin' it.