Home Economics (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Wheel of Vegan Brie, $24 - full transcript

Happy Tofurky Day, everyone.

Yeah, who's ready
to celebrate

the shameful legacy
of colonialism?

Okay, Sarah, coming in hot.

Yeah, sorry,
I'm just a little... keyed up.

It's not every day that you
have to introduce your parents

to your dad's secret child.

Guys, I know
that Thanksgiving

is traditionally
our special day of fighting,

but it doesn't have to be.

Let's welcome Harmony
into our family



with dignity and zero drama.

Mm...

- Can't wait.
- If you say so.

Come on, you guys,
we can do this.

Harmony gets here an hour
before Mum and Dad.

That gives us plenty of time
to prep her

for Mum's reaction...
Sorry, overreaction.

Should we have done this
in a public place,

you know, so that Mum
can't have a freak-out?

Do you think an audience
of strangers is gonna stop her?

Do you not recall

the container-store meltdown
of 2015?

Yeah.
No, I'm grasping at straws.

Guys, let's keep it positive
around the kids.



Hey, guys, you excited to me
your new half-aunt, Harmony?

Is she called a love child

because Grandpa
loves making babies?

How many love babies
does Grandma have?

If Grandpa dies,
does Harmony get any money?

Where does Harmony stand
politically,

and how soon
can we get into that?

This is gonna be
a fun Thanksgiving.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]
*HOME ECONOMICS*
Season 03 Episode 08

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
Episode Title: "Wheel of Vegan Brie, $24"

- [exhales deeply]

- Man, Harmony's running late.

And it's really cutting
into our prep time.

I need 20 minutes alone

just to describe all of Mum's
different smiles.

- Ear to ear, run in fear.
- Showing teeth...

also run in fear.

Guys, we knew today
could be rough,

so Denise and I planned
some activities

to help keep things light.

And to avoid
a emotional free-for-all...

A Normals Agenda, if you will.

We pulled some classic
board games to play

as a low-stakes icebreaker.

- Ooh, Monopoly?
- Absolutely not Monopoly.

And the kids are gonna put on
a little talent show

just to provide a positive,

noncontroversial focus
for everyone.

Plus, if things go sideways,

we have
a foolproof distraction.

Baby bomb!
[scattered chuckles]

Can't have awkward tension
with these guys around.

Nah, I bet we can do it.

- [door opens]
- Hey-o!

- Hello.
- Hi, bro.

Hey. Harmony, you're here.
[camera shutter clicking]

- With Mum and Dad.
- At the same time.

Hi, fam.

So, uh, how did this, um...

Did you guys just bump into
each other in the driveway?

Oh, no, no, Tommy.

Your mother and I got
so excited, we got jumpy,

and we texted Harmony
a few days ago,

and we have
just hit it off great.

Before we knew it,
she was flying into Sacramento

to see us early.

I just wanted to spend
some quality time

with my bio-dad
and my bonus mum.

I'm a bonus mum.
[all chuckle]

Wow. So we don't even have
to introduce you.

And I'm sorry
I didn't tell you.

We just got so caught up in the fun,
and then we thought,

"Why not just surprise them
right after we"...

all: "Escape from Alcatraz"?

You guys went to Alcatraz?
It's, like, my favourite prison.

Oh, my God, it was so cool.
We saw Al Capone's cell.

Well, more like Al Ca-phone.

[laughter]

It's an inside joke.

[laughter continues]

You guys already have
inside jokes.

- That's... that's great.
- [camera shutter clicks]

Oh, and I couldn't show up
without some presents

for my new nieces and nephews.

That is so thoughtful.

She's so special, this one.

Dad, you're really snapping
away there, aren't you?

Hey, you got to capture

these first few
precious moments, Tommy.

They're so fleeting.

Oh, that's a framer.

[quirky music]

Well, she seems to be getting
along great with Mum and Dad.

Yeah, which is weird because
we don't get along great

- with Mum and Dad.
- Yeah, what's her deal?

Ah, I almost forgot.

My small contribution
to Thanksgiving...

It's a vegan Brie

from a local, Black-owned,
gender-progressive fromagerie.

Really?
I love all those words.

Well, it's delicious
and healthy.

[chuckles] Speaking of,
did I spy a gym back there?

Yeah. You lift or...?

I'm more into high-intensity
interval training

- mixed with rock climbing.
- Stop.

I was thinking about putting
a rock-climbing wall in there.

- No.
- Yeah.

- No.
- Yeah.

- You've got to.
- I will.

Yeah, but nothing beats
bouldering in Boulder,

'cause Colorado... it's not just
about fitness.

Like, it's also about communing
with nature.

We need the tonic of wildness.

- Are you quoting Thoreau?
- Guilty.

I reread "Walden" every year.

You know, working
for the National Parks,

I'm mostly
in the company of books,

which I guess makes me
a bit of a nerd.

Well, I Thoreau-ily disagree.

[laughs]

Okay, well, I'm gonna put this
in the fridge

before it starts leaking.

[exhales sharply]

Um, I think
I figured out her deal.

She's freakin' awesome.

[whispering]
Why do I love her so much?

Maybe because
she's exactly like all of us.

[normal voice]
That's it. That's why.

Yeah.

And we're the best.

So here's a video

of Harmony
when we stopped for gas.

She was so tuckered out, she
fell asleep in the back seat.

- [laughter]
- Aw.

Wow.
She's really fitting in.

- Yeah, it's great.
- So great.

Although I was hoping
we'd have another outsider

- to join our team.
- Hi, half-in-laws.

- Oh. Hey.
- Hey.

So how's your first Hayworth
Thanksgiving going?

Good, I think.
I mean, I don't know.

I don't really have much
to compare it to.

Oh, everyone here loves you.
You're a hit.

I mean, we're embarrassed

that we thought you were Tom's
stalker the first night we met.

No worries.

I was so amped up, I would've
thought I was a stalker.

But then again, I listen to way
too many crime podcasts.

Shut up!
You like true crime?

What's your fave...
Murders, kidnappings?

Stealing someone's identity
to bilk an elderly woman

- out of her Nazi gold?
- Oh, those are so much fun.

Oh, I'm into all of it.

I am obsessed with noir...

Both the crime kind and Pinot.

Who wants a top-off?

- I love her.
- I think we love her.

Let's lock her in.

So, Harmony,
we're playing teams.

And FYI, I was a runner-up
on Teen "Jeopardy!"

So I guess if you want to win,

then you should maybe play
with me.

- [chuckles]
- Yeah, and if you don't mind

hearing this every time you get
a wrong answer...

both: "Oh, boy."

They're just jealous
because I'm undefeated.

Come. Join me.

Or... or if you just want
to have fun,

pull up a chair and join
your new partners in crime.

Sometimes we forget
we're even playing the game.

No, I'm so sorry, gang, but
Harmony's already on a team.

Yeah, but it's so nice
to be wanted.

You three chuckle heads,
why don't you be your own team?

Fine, but don't say
we didn't warn you.

[exhales sharply]

Come on, big money,
no whammies.

Wait, wait,
hold your horses there, Conny.

Not your turn yet.

But I always go first.

The youngest goes first.
Harmony.

Oh, no, it's okay.

She's older than me.

Conny, you know
what your mother meant.

The newest goes first.

[scoffs]

Okay, fine, but I already blew
on them, so...

Oh, thank you.

Looks like there's a new baby
in the family, huh?

First question...

What ocean surrounds
the Madeira Islands?

Mm...

Well, they're a part
of Paraguay.

I'm gonna say...
the Atlantic?

- That's right.
- Yes! Wow!

[laughter]

Kind of a softball.

I mean, there are only
so many oceans, but...

Hey, good job.

Next question...

The quadratic equation?

Gadsden Purchase.

"Breakin' 2:
Electric Boogaloo"?

The Manhattan Project?
The Komodo dragon.

"Jack and the Beanstalk."
Tectonic plates.

A motorcycle.
"Fiddler on the Roof."

Whitney Houston.
"White Men Can't Jump"!

Somebody call Mensa.

You know, you could be
on regular "Jeopardy!"

- Dad.
- Dad.

Okay, so, um...

Harmony again.

In which
American Indian tribe...

Ugh, this... these cards
are out of date.

It should be
Native American tribe.

Actually, I believe
the preferred term

is "Indigenous peoples."

[chuckles]

Harmony taught me that
on our drive from Sacramento.

- And you listened?
- Oh, boy.

Muriel is so eager to learn.

And did you know that
the celebration of Thanksgiving

is actually very problematic.

You should do
some research, Sarah.

Gah... I should do
some research.

Sarah, sweetie,
you should try this vegan Brie.

- Delicious.
- I know.

I've been trying to get you
to eat that for years.

I don't think so.

- [chuckles]
- She's gonna blow.

I think it's time to move on
to another question.

Which best-selling
American author

also won an Oscar for
the adaptation of his novel?

- John Updike. Easy.
- Tom, it is not your turn.

She's getting
all the easy questions.

Actually,
I think it's John Irving.

- Right again.
- Yes.

Oh.
[laughter]

- Sorry, what's happening?
- It's an easy mistake...

Updike, Irving,
both titans of their craft.

What are... Who... What are...
What's going on?

You have swept the board,
chipmunk.

- Ah. [Chuckles]
- [grunts goofily]

- Oh, how cute.
- Dad, enough with the camera.

She's not a toddler.
And I'm the chipmunk.

I've been telling them about
smallpox blankets for years.

Irving.
Of course, it's Irving.

[dramatic music]

Baby bomb.

Look at their little
bow ties.

Oh, my gosh!

This is, like,
a freakin' disaster.

[door opens]

Okay, is Harmony impressive?
Absolutely.

- No doubt.
- Clearly.

But what is going on
with Mum and Dad?

- They're, like, obsessed.
- It's embarrassing.

And they took her
to Alcatraz?

And they got
all these little inside jokes?

[stammers] Sorry, they
don't make any sense, guys.

Yeah, and Mum is using terms
like "unhoused population."

I mean, she spends a couple
hours in the car with Harmony,

and all of a sudden,
they're not hobos anymore.

And I'm still the youngest,

but they're treating me like
I'm some kind of middle child.

- What am I, a Sarah?
- Ugh.

You'll always be
a baby to me.

Thank you, Lupe.
That means a lot.

Hey, how's everything going?

Do you think it's time
to start the talent show?

Yeah, we really don't want
to blow this, you know.

Harmony is very important
to us.

To you.

- To all of us.
- Exactly.

I mean, who cares
which alliance she chooses?

What the hell
are you talking about?

Hey, should we start
the talent show?

And the talent agent says,
"What do you call yourselves?"

And they go, "The Aristocrats."

[Marshall and Muriel chuckle]

Ah, it's a thinker.

Okay, performing first today,
we have Kelvin, who will be...

"throwing down
some Gucci moves."

[electronic music plays,
cheering]

I asked the kids
to stretch this out.

We just need everyone
distracted until dinner.

Oh, I gave Kelvin
half a Red Bull,

so he can go all day.

[♪ ♪]

♪ And the rockets'
red glare ♪

♪ The bombs bursting in air ♪

My mum said she doesn't know
how to braid hair.

She's so focused on Harmony,

she's completely ignoring
her actual daughter.

- Sarah?
- Yeah.

♪ Oh, say does that... ♪

You go, baby!
Whoo!

[♪ ♪]

You got this, honey.

Remember,
focus on the white corners.

She had this at home.

[♪ ♪]

[Rubik's cube thuds]

Good... good effort!

So, uh...

who here plays Roblox?

Don't you hate it

when you just finished building
your house in Bloxburg,

but then all your friends leave
to go play Piggy?

[laughter]

[whispering]
I don't get it at all.

Okay, what else?
What else?

[indistinct chatter]

[normal voice] I guess
Harmony's pushing us out.

We're being put out
to pasture.

Remember when we were kids?

Put on a goofy talent show
like this

just to get
Mum and Dad's attention?

We should do that again.

[all chuckling]

[♪ ♪]

Idaho... Gem State.
Washington... Evergreen State.

Nevada... Silver State.

Should we stop him?

Should we? Yes.
Can we? No.

New Mexico...
The Land of Enchantment.

- Go, Tommy!
- Kansas... Sunflower State.

Texas... Lone Star State.
And that's all 50.

Unh! What?

What?

Boom!

Boom! Boom!

That's my chipmunk.
Look at him go!

91, 92...

[Southern accent]
No, Frederick,

I shall not be tossed aside,

not I, who have sacrificed
my stature and position

to look after
your insufferable cousin.

She's been going on
for eight minutes.

Oh, she knows the whole play.

Oh, no,
this is freaking Harmony out.

But this could be
an opportunity for the Normals.

Harmony.

Hey, there.
[chuckles] You good?

Could you point me
toward the bathroom?

I-I thought I'd found it,

but then, actually, it was
more like an indoor ball pit?

Oh, right. Yeah, that's
Connor's indoor ball pit.

Hey, just real quick...

Uh, you know
we're not like them.

- Like who?
- Like the Hayworths.

Yeah. I mean, we love them.
We do.

Um, but they have
very fragile egos.

And we do love them,

but they just make everything
about themselves,

like holidays, regular days,
Honda Days.

Again, we love them so much,

but they're a bunch of freaks.

It has been a little
overwhelming, honestly.

I mean, I spend my days
with black-tailed swallows,

and I guess it's different
being in the middle

of a big family
with big personalities.

"Big personalities."
Wow, that is very diplomatic.

Harmony,
you can be real with us.

We're like you.
We're normal.

[chanting]
One of us, one of us.

- Both: One of us.
- Bathroom.

Both: One of us, one of us.

So take me away,
Mr. Constable.

I will blissfully serve
my time!

[exhales deeply]
Scene.

- Oh, wonderful.
- Yes!

Brava! Brava!

[laughter and chatter]

Stop. Guys, stop.

More. Just kidding.
[Sarah and Tom chuckle]

Well, I'd say
mission accomplished.

- We might be too talented.
- Right?

Mum and Dad
were frickin' into it.

We should do this every week.

Well, turkey time?

Well, no... hey, hold on.

Harmony hasn't shared
her talent.

Oh, no, no, no,
that... that's okay.

They were all amazing,
and I can't compete with that.

Yeah, we don't want
to put her on the spot.

Yeah, and it's not
a competition, anyway.

Yeah, it's not a competition.

Guys, I don't have
any special talents.

Oh, don't be modest.
Everybody has a special talent.

Mine is acting,
directing, and writing.

I know you have something.

Mum, she said
she's not talented,

so, you know,
we should respect that.

I guess I could do
some bird calls.

- Great.
- Yes.

- Yeah, yeah, bird calls.
- Harmony.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Bird calls... okay.
[chuckles]

Let's go, Harmony.
Whoo!

- [applause]
- Shh. Shh.

[soft music]

What's happening?

[imitating birds calling
flawlessly]

[♪ ♪]

[imitates bird cooing]

She's like
a real-life Snow White.

[♪ ♪]

We have to have her
on our team.

She's more powerful
than I imagined.

[quietly] Thank you.

Wow!

- I have never been so proud!
- Whoo! Beautiful!

That was beautiful.

- [applause continues]
- Huh.

Whoa.
[scoffs]

Next time
I'll plan something.

She's better...
at everything.

I'm no longer
the favourite child.

Ah, I don't think
you were the favourite.

Hey, neither of you
were the favourite.

- Uh, get real, Sarah.
- It definitely wasn't you.

What are you talking about?

I literally have an email
from Mum right here.

- "Tom, you are my favourite."
- Check this out.

"Baby boy Connor,
you're my favourite.

Love, Mum."

Mine probab...
[clears throat]

Mine probably went to spam,
'cause my... my phone's so old.

Yeah, well,
that doesn't matter.

Harmony's been getting
all the emails now.

You know what?
I deleted it. I remember now.

I-I deleted it,
so it's gone forever.

Sure.

Can you do other animals?

We would love to hear
a dolphin.

[taps on glass]
Okay.

Hope I can get through this
without the water works.

Today's so special.

I've always said I could never
love my children more,

but as it turns out,
I could love more children.

- Oh.
- So glad Harmony stalked Tom

at his book reading
and entered our lives.

She's so smart and generous,
and for that, I am so thankful.

So happy Thanksgiving,
everyone.

- Hear, hear.
- Cheers.

So true, Dad.
[taps glass] So... so true.

Not only is Harmony
socially conscious

and good at bird stuff,

but she has also made Mum
happier than I've seen her

since she turned my childhood
bedroom into a craft room...

[laughing] Which she has
never used, not once.

- It doesn't get good lighting.
- [taps on glass]

If I could just
kind of piggyback

onto Sarah's lovely toast...

Um, I love the positive effect

that Harmony's having
on our family,

especially Mum and Dad.

I bet if she went
to Space Camp,

you wouldn't have been
two hours late picking her up.

- Right? [Chuckles]
- That was 30 years ago, Tommy.

If I had been in space,
I would've died, okay?

All right, Tom, Sarah,
let's chill.

I think we're all missing
the point here.

It's Thanksgiving... we should be
thankful for what we have,

which is a roof over our heads,
food on the table,

and the fact that Mum and Dad

have clearly found someone
they love more than us.

- Oh, no, that is unkind.
- D-a-amn.

- Uncalled for, Conny.
- It's very called for!

Okay, we don't need
to get so worked up.

Tom, you are being a child.

[mockingly]
Tom, you are being a child.

Do we have to do this
on Indigenous Peoples Day?

That's Columbus Day.

I don't celebrate Columbus.
He's a coloniser.

I know!

Should I say grace?
I'm happy to say grace.

Dad, why aren't you
filming this, huh?

Why don't you get
your frickin' camcorder?

Baby's first Thanksgiving,
right, Dad?

[imitates bird screeching]

What is wrong with you people?

Do you not hear yourselves?

You know, I came here trying to
make a good impression on you,

but... but it turns out
you're a bunch of maniacs.

You're fighting
over board games,

and you're... you're competing
for your parents' affection

by horning in
on a kids' talent show?

Wasn't necessarily
just for kids.

- It said it on the sign.
- True.

I was looking so forward

to having my first
big family Thanksgiving

with siblings and parents

and two different
green-bean dishes

that no one likes anyway,
and instead, I got this?

Harmony, we are so sorry.

They should be ashamed
of themselves.

Oh, like you two
can even talk,

making mean jokes
about your entire family

behind their back?

And I'm gonna say it...
You guys drink too much wine.

- [gasps]
- [gasps]

Okay.

I'm sorry. I should've...

I should've never come
here today.

Although Alcatraz
was really fun.

[somber music]

- [door opens, closes]
- [sighs]

[♪ ♪]

[imitates bird cooing]

Hey, Harmony...

Harmony's friend.

- Susan.
- Right.

Look, we're sorry we let things
get so out of control,

fighting over our parents
like that.

Yeah, they were just trying
to make you feel welcome,

and it just stirred up
some insecurities in us

that really have... have nothing
to do with you.

Sorry for botching your first
Hayworth Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving was just never
really a big deal

for me growing up.

It was always
just me and my mum.

My cousins died in the mine.

I don't know... maybe I just put
too much pressure on today,

and then... yeah, then I went
and ruined it.

Hey, you didn't ruin
anything.

Come here, sis.

Are we gonna talk
about the mine?

You know what proves
that you're a Hayworth

more than any DNA test?

The fact that you joined in
on our special day of fighting.

Yeah, you're definitely
one of us.

Aw, thank you, 'cause
you really pissed me off.

[all chuckle]

Yeah, I never
should've coined that term...

"Our special day of fighting."

- It keeps haunting us.
- Uh, what?

You didn't.

I did, the year that you threw
candied yams at Connor.

Excuse me, I coined it

on the Thanksgiving
when we went to Ming Garden

and you stormed out

'cause I put duck sauce
in your iced tea.

Candied yams was
well before duck iced tea.

No, no, no, no,
candied yams was after...

No, it was... because we went
to Six Flags that year.

We didn't go to Six Flags
that year.

It happened at Six Flags.

I remember
because I'm the oldest.

It happened when we went
to Six Flags.

So this year,

we're rooting for the
Cavalier King Charles Spaniel...

Small package,
tons of personality.

I don't know.
I've got my eye on the Maltese.

She may be a half-Hayworth,

but she's also
sort of half-Normal.

And half bird.

[snickers]
[laughter]

- We're not mean, are we?
- Mm-mm.

[indistinct chatter on TV]

You know, Harmony,
you should come for Christmas.

Oh, we go all out.

Yeah, one year I paid Tim Allen
to fall off my roof.

[whispering]
It wasn't Tim Allen.

Ah... [sighs]
That is such a nice invitation.

But you're not coming.

Yeah, I think it might be
a little soon.

I mean, I-I've had so much fun
with you guys,

but, you know,
your family's a lot.

Yeah, we've heard
that before.

Yeah, for sure, for sure.

[whispering]
But we're still taking you

to acquarium this week end,
right?

[mouthing words]

[cheers and applause,
indistinct chatter on TV]

Oh, okay, you'll love this.

You ever try negotiating
your bedtime?

Yeah, how'd that go?

I heard
about this puberty thing,

and, uh, no, thanks.

- You guys like impressions?
- Yeah.

- Yes!
- All right.

Tell me if you know this one.

[clears throat]

[imitates crying] Boo-hoo!

Nobody likes my book!

Oh!
[laughter]

That is messed up.

Being a mum is so hard!

- [laughs]
- Oh, no.

Where do I recycle
my soy milk?

[laughing]

They're just like that.
[snorts]