Home Economics (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - Model Train Set, $150 - full transcript

We got sunscreen.
We got water.

We got toys for the twins.

You guys are officially
playground-ready.

Why can't we just hang out
here?

Because you need
to connect with nature

- and get some fresh air.
- And, also, we're not

giving you a choice.

But we're too old
for the playground.

Yeah. It's humiliating.

I'll give you guys
20 bucks each

- if you go right now.
- Yes.



- I can work with that.
- Awesome.

- Sweet.
- This doesn't make it okay.

Wait, you forgot the twins.

Much respect, Kelvin.

- Well-played.
- Pleasure doing business

- with you.
- Kids are gone.

Unfortunately for you,
that was the easy part.

Oh, are you sure
you don't want to stay?

To help you tell your dad
about his secret love child

who tracked you down
and is desperate

to connect
with her long-lost father?

No.

But I put out
two kinds of hummus.

Oh, honey, there isn't
enough hummus in the world.



Hey, can I go
with you guys?

- Connor.
- Why do we have to tell him?

Harmony said it would be
better coming from us.

Yeah, come on, man.
It's the right thing to do.

I mean, she is our half-sister.

True. But she's also
half not our sister.

And I'm thinking
maybe we focus on that half.

Denial is not gonna make
this go away.

Okay, I'm not in denial.

I just don't want
to... acknowledge

that this
is actually happening.

You guys better go.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

It's Marshall.

Oh, that's Dad.
He's early.

- Go, go, go.
- No, go under the...

Sorry, guys, forgot my phone.

I won't ask any questions
for a price.

Bleeding me dry.

- I'm proud of you, man.
- Thank you.

Oof. Okay. Good dry run.

Now it's time
for the real thing.

Marina, we will text you
when we're done.

Oh, they're long gone.

You know what?

I think I just gave Kelvin
400 bucks.

Episode Title:
"Model Train Set, $150"

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
*HOME ECONOMICS*

Season 03 Episode 07
Aired on: November 02, 2022.

I don't like this.

Dad's gonna walk in all excited

because we told him we want
to get into model trains,

- and then boom, secret baby.
- Look, man,

it's the only thing
I could think to tell Dad

where Mom wouldn't want
to come too.

And we are not ready
for Mom to find out.

Yeah. And technically
we're starting with trains.

I don't want
to do that either.

Look, guys,
this is gonna be awkward, okay?

It's hard to know what to say
in a situation like this.

Lucky for us,
we got a writer in the family.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, I don't like

- where this is going.
- Boom!

I scripted
the entire conversation.

Oh, I don't like
where it went.

- Enter Sarah, 36, emotional.
- Tom!

Yes! Perfect.
Exactly like that.

No, this is dumb.

You can't script
something like this.

All right?
You guys do your thing.

I'm gonna go sit in a corner...

And say as little as possible.

Page two.

- Whoa, spooky.
- Okay, well, did you predict

me throwing my script
in the trash?

'Cause that's what I'm doing.

Oh, come on, Connor.
I gave you all the best jokes.

Tom, we do not need
a script, okay?

Not when we have someone here

who can lead an open, honest,
sometimes painful dialogue.

Ooh, I don't like
where this is going.

I am a professional therapist
with years of experience.

Yeah, but you can't be
professional about this.

Sarah, you melt down
at the slightest family drama.

- That's not true.
- Uh...

I thought
"Mr. Holland's Opus"

was a little long.

Well, I thought
it was luminous.

Stop fighting!

You're tearing me apart!

I was a kid.

I thought I was gonna marry
Lance Bass.

- People change.
- Look what you made me do.

I'm stress-eating cheesy poufs
from a tub.

No, don't look away.
This is on you, man.

"There is a knock
at the door."

Well, hey there,
junior conductors.

- Oh, you're wearing a hat.
- Choo-choo.

Yeah. And guess who decided
to hop on the Hayworth Express.

Good morning!

Or should is say,
"Tickets, please!"

Is that in your script?

I appreciate you helping us
redecorate the apartment.

We lost so much
during the flood.

As your friend,
my heart goes out to you.

As your designer,
it's probably for the best.

- What?
- There was a lot of hemp.

Oh, hey, Min.

Uh, Denise.
How's my favorite tenant?

So happy to be back.

And thank you
for all the repairs you made.

Anything for you and Sarah

and those adorable kids
of yours...

The, uh... the boy and the girl.

Kelvin and Shamiah.

Not ringing a bell.

So what are we thinking?

Oh, we're wide open.

But we can't make
any major changes

and we can't buy anything.

So... paint. Love it.

Huh. What's going on here?

Oh, sorry.
Had to plug in the mixer.

I am making cookies
for Heather upstairs.

She just broke up
with her boyfriend.

She loves toxic men

just as much as she loves
my oatmeal raisin.

No, uh, why is there
an extension cord?

Well, they covered

the kitchen outlets
with drywall.

So we had to run a cord
from the bathroom

because the living room outlets
are all full.

- But it's fine.
- But what if you want

to close the bathroom door?

Oh, then it's a whole thing.

Denise, this is not fine.

You should ask your landlord
to fix it.

- She seemed nice.
- She's landlord nice,

not friend nice.
I don't want to push it.

It's not pushing it.
She likes you.

Just turn on that Denise charm.

It would be good
to make a piece of toast

- while someone's peeing.
- That's the dream.

What are we gonna do?

We were supposed to tell Dad
about Harmony

so that he could tell Mom
about Harmony.

Far away from here.

I don't know.
What does your script say?

Well, there's
some killer back-and-forth

between you and me.

And I gave Connor
this Sorkin-level monologue

about how he looks up to me
as a big brother,

but I didn't expect
Mom to show up.

We just have to get her
out of here.

So follow my lead.

Mom, definitely did not expect
to see you today.

But now that she's here,

we're just trainin' it up.

You know?
Just five grown people

talking about trains
and nothing else.

Yeah, it's just...
I always thought

that you hated this stuff.
You know, you called

the model train store
the "creepo depot."

Well, that's before I heard
this podcast

about keeping the spark alive
in your marriage.

You've heard of podcasts?

They're like radio shows
for your phone.

Yeah, I'll have to check
those out.

Well, this one said
that partners should take

an interest
in each other's hobbies.

So I've made my peace
with trains,

and Marshall is watching
musicals.

Who knew Alexander Hamilton
was a rapper?

- Right.
- Right.

Um, well, the... the kids
are at the park.

Yeah, uh, maybe you want
to go hang out with them.

- That'd be fun.
- Oh, well...

- I didn't bring my sun hat.
- Mm.

Well, guess you just gotta
hang here with us.

So, Dad, you were telling me
about coal.

The train... the train eats it,
yeah?

You know, that's too bad,
because the kids were saying

that they were gonna put on
a musical

and that they needed a director
or something.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, luckily I do have
my director's hat.

That's one I never take off.

Marshall?

Yeah, no, no,
you go ahead, honey.

I think I can conduct
myself here without you.

Thanks, sweetie.

So when the contractors
put up the new wall,

I think they may have covered
the outlets or something.

I'm sure it was an accident.

I mean, there were four
and now there's zero

which is less.

And that would totally
not even be a big deal

but that's where we get
our electricity.

And that is very helpful
in this modern world of ours.

- It was always like that.
- What?

I'm sorry, a-a kitchen
without outlets?

- Yeah.
- I mean...

I don't know.

Maybe there weren't four,

but I do remember
at least some.

No, it was always like that.

You've been away for so long,

you probably don't remember.

Well, I-I was living here

- for several years before then.
- You're just confused.

I have to get
back to scraping gum.

Okay. Well, thank you.

Always happy to help.

What was that?
"Okay. Well, thanks."

Marina,
it's a delicate dance.

She says no.
I make her cookies every week.

In six months,
she puts in one outlet.

And then I bide my time,
make her a pie,

and then she puts in two.

That's how you deal
with a landlord.

She's taking advantage
of you.

Now you get it.

We can't go
through with this.

He's the happiest
he's ever been.

No, we promised Harmony
we would.

Don't worry.
I got my part memorized.

You are not leading this.
Okay?

- I am a therapist.
- I am so glad

that you are ready to take up
the great American hobby.

Dad, we need to...

We need to talk to you
about something.

And, uh, it's not gonna be
easy to... hear.

Um...

Sometimes people make mistakes
in their past.

And, uh, those mistakes have
ripples in the future.

And those ripples have
ripples...

Sorry, one second. I'm sorry.

I just need one second.
I'm sorry.

Called it. Page five.

Yeah, trains make people
emotional.

I get it.

Let me just, uh...
"Dad, I know you thought..."

All right.

Dad, I know you thought today
was gonna be about trains.

But we're gonna take you
on a different kind of ride...

An emotional one.

Okay, I'm back.

That was just, um,

bringing up some feelings
for me.

But you know what they say,

you have to feel them
before you can heal them.

Ugh, that's actually
a good line.

Dad, we really need
to talk to you.

Can you put the trains down,
please?

I know what's happening.

You didn't invite me over here

to talk about belt lines
and knuckle couplers.

You invited me over...
for an intervention.

W-wait, you know about the...

Just a matter of time
before you found out.

I feel terrible about it.

I've been holding this
for so long.

All right, truth is,
I lost $4,200.

But I really thought

Gordon Ramsay wanted me
to invest in his restaurant.

- Huh?
- Wait, what?

Yeah. Turned out not to be
Gordon Ramsay

even though the email had
Gordon Ramsay's photo

Dad, are you telling me...

you invested
without talking to me first?

- Connor.
- What?

I should not have given him

my credit card info.

You know, on the phone
he didn't even sound

like Gordon Ramsay.

He had this foreign accent,

it was like, um...

No. Don't-don't do...

- Don't do the accent.
- Look, Dad,

we brought you here today
to talk about your affair.

My affair?

Tommy, your mother and I
are way past that.

That is ancient history.

Well, it's actually
not that ancient.

You know, in Walt Whitman's
"Song of the Open Road,"

- he said...
- Tom, you are not helping.

You're not helping
by interrupting.

Enough with your script.
Just let me do this.

- No. You're too emotional.
- You're not emotional enough.

I get emotional
on page eight!

Dad, you have
a secret love child

from your affair.
And her name is Harmony.

And we met her
and she's your daughter.

- You all right there?
- I thought I could hold it,

but I cannot.

All right. I've seen enough.

Ugh, that's a lot of gum.

Ugh, the devil's toothpaste.

I hear that. So true.

Anyway, um, I'm-
I'm helping Denise

decorate her apartment,

and you know what would be
super helpful?

I have a feeling
you're going to tell me.

To get
those kitchen outlets back.

It was always like that.

Okay, but we know it wasn't.

- It was.
- But it wasn't.

I know that because
California code states

that each room has to have
two working outlets.

Oh, you're an expert
on California law.

Well, I'm an attorney.

Denise called a lawyer?

Well, no, she didn't call me
exactly.

Wait. Hey, hold on.

Hey, please... she's peeing.

You called a lawyer on me?

- What? No.
- Nope, nope.

No one called a lawyer.

It was just, uh,
two folks talking.

About the California
building code?

And gum.
We were talking about gum.

Min, this is
my sister-in-law/designer

not my lawyer.

Oh, if you want to talk code,
let's talk code.

Was that always there?

We put that loft up
years ago.

You've seen it plenty of times.

Oh, I don't think so.

Because if I had seen it,

I would have told you
it's definitely against code.

That's the only thing
that makes

this place big enough
for a family of four.

Sounds like it's time
to make some cuts.

She should be a lawyer.

Marina.

Yeah.

Wow.

- I have a daughter.
- Well... t-two daughters.

This must have been
a burden for you

and for her.
I mean, to grow up

wondering where she came from.

- What's she like?
- She's not hot.

I don't think.

Yeah, definitely
no attraction there.

She's actually pretty cool.
She's a biologist.

She works for the
National Parks in Colorado.

A scientist like me?

And she wants to meet you.

Oh, I want to meet her, too.

I mean, we have a whole
lifetime to catch up on.

Dad, you are processing this
so well.

I mean, I really hope
that Mom handles it this well

- when you tell her.
- Tell your mother?

We're taking this to the grave.

- Dad!
- What?

- Dad, you have to tell her.
- She would lose it.

This is not in the script.

I know we shouldn't
have told him.

Told him what?

- Mom!
- Oh, hey.

- You're back!
- You just keep popping up,

don't you?

I needed some tea
for my throat.

I am carrying
all of the singing.

These kids barely know
the lyrics to "Funny Girl."

Dad, you cannot keep this
from Mom.

Look, you guys were little

when she found out
about the affair.

You do not remember
how hard it was.

I'm with Dad.

Secrets should stay secrets.

That's why they're called
secrets.

That makes no sense.

Dad, are you really gonna lie
to Mom

for the rest of your life?

That's what's on the table.

But this isn't just about us.

It's about Harmony.

How are you supposed to have
a relationship with her

if you can't be open?

Tell you what,
give me a tight ten.

I'm gonna whip up
a whole new draft.

- Tom.
- Okay, look.

I will tell your mother
eventually,

but not here and not now.

You know what? He's right.

This is something
that needs to be done

thoughtfully and planned out.

I found a script
in the trash.

"We're going to take you
on a different kind of ride."

- No, no, no, no.
- "An emotional one."

- Mom, give me the...
- Don't you touch...

Well, thanks, Marina.

Now I have to take down
the loft.

I'm sorry.

Thinly-veiled legal threats
usually work.

It's my move.

You made our tiny place
even less livable

which I thought was impossible.

Maybe this is
a good opportunity

to look for someplace bigger.

I could help you.

Do you know how hard it is
to find

a rent-controlled apartment?

All the tenants here
have issues

but we put up with it

because we can't afford
anywhere else.

How do you know
they have issues?

Because they tell me.

Heather has a window
that won't open.

Nigel has a window
that won't close.

And Chris' window is fine,

but he has a lizard
in his garbage disposal.

And it eats his trash,

but, I mean, come one,
sink lizard?

You know
a lot about your neighbors.

Because I'm nice
and I give them cookies.

You give them cookies
because you're nice.

And because you're nice,

they tell you
about their sink lizards.

Where you going with this,
counselor?

That's not for you.

If it's a script,
it's for me.

It has some wonderful dialogue.

Oh, well, I guess
I kind of have an ear for it.

Oh. I saw all your names.

Is it a stage play
based on your book?

Yep.
That's exactly what it is.

Wow.

I see either me
or Patti LuPone for me.

It's not a play.

It's a script for
a very difficult conversation

- that we had with Dad.
- Sarah...

Let's just rip
the Band-Aid off.

Yeah. Let's.

We had to talk to Dad
about being scammed

by fake Gordon Ramsay.

- You did what?
- Connor.

What, she didn't know
about that one either?

How much money this time?

Well, uh, just don't worry
about it.

Wait a second, "this time"?

He thought he was playing
Words With Friends

with Owen Wilson.

Who needed $4,200
to make a movie.

- Oh, my God.
- It wasn't Owen Wilson.

Enough with the lies!
Mom, it was about the affair.

- No, it's not.
- The affair?

- What are we talking about?
- Me...

and Marina.
I know.

It's sad. You just...

You never see
these things coming.

I knew it.

She was always a reach
for you, Tom.

Wait a second, w...

Why do you assume
she's the one who cheated?

Tom, you're wearing a shirt
about punctuation.

Everybody just listen to me,
okay?

I am a professional therapist.

- What is going on?
- Okay.

Stand down, kids.

Mur, I've got something
to tell you.

So let's go outside.

Thank you.

But no cookie
will change my mind

about that loft.

Especially not oatmeal raisin.

Ah. Everyone else
in the building

seemed to like them.

And it's funny,
when I was delivering them,

a lot
of the tenants were talking

about issues they were having
in their apartments

and how resistant you were
to fixing them.

Oh, it's a very old building.

- And all the units...
- Have always been like that.

- Mm.
- It's funny how that works.

Yeah,
so while they were talking,

all of the neighbors decided

that since Denise
is so friendly,

she should head up a-
a tenants' union.

- A union?
- Yeah.

It's so hard for us to get
things fixed individually.

But that's the beauty
of a union...

There are a lot of us
with a lot of problems.

And if the problems
don't get fixed,

then the...
The tenants can always go

on a rent strike.

I know that as a lawyer.

- Oh, be careful.
- Are you threatening me?

No, I just want you
to watch out

for the extension cord.

It can be a bit of a hazard.

You know what?

I am going to get
those outlets fixed.

Aw. And the loft?

It was always like that.

- We did it!
- We sure did.

I feel so happy and... and sick.

Yeah, I think we ate
a whole stick of butter.

I'm gonna go lay down.

I just peeked out the window.

- Okay?
- How bad is it?

They look really sad.

But then at one point
Mom was laughing.

And I'm not a great lip-reader,

but I think
Dad might have said,

"I'm taking up the clarinet,
Mr. President."

- Really? Not a... not a great...
- Yeah.

- Lip-reader.
- Yeah, I don't think

- that was said.
- You know, we were so focused

on the best way to tell them
or not tell them.

But this was gonna be messy
regardless.

I'm sorry for trying
to script everything out.

I think it was my way
of controlling the situation.

Well, I'm sorry
I'm a bad therapist

- to my own family.
- Yeah.

I'm not sorry for anything.

Okay, I was in denial
or whatever.

Mom. You okay?

Well, this wasn't
what I was expecting

when you invited us over
to talk about model trains.

Technically,
we only invited Dad, so...

Your father and I
are divorcing...

Oh.

Our feelings on this matter

from the facts
we have to deal with.

Okay, so you're not getting
a divorce?

No, but I can see
how you would think that

since she said
the word "divorce."

Yeah, we've been
through a lot together.

- Yeah.
- I mean, I've been more angry

at this man
than you can imagine.

And that anger
never completely goes away.

So...
We are separating...

- Oh, man.
- Oh.

The past from the present

so that we can move on.

Okay, why?

- Again?
- Why do you keep doing that?

If this girl wants to be
a part of our family,

we'll figure it out.

She's not responsible
for any of this.

- No.
- Thanks, Mom.

And, uh, her name is Harmony.

I'm not ready for names yet,
Sarah.

- Okay.
- And I am sorry

that my past mistakes
have continued

to create difficulty for you...

and for all of you.

Every marriage has
its hiccups.

Lord knows I'm not perfect.

Who is?

Wait, what do you mean?

One time
at your office Christmas party

I had too much eggnog
and I told Jerry Donahue

he had a beautiful rear end.

- Oh, my God.
- You did what?

You had a secret child.

- Yeah, but Jerry Donahue?
- I didn't have his baby.

- Yeah, so think they're good?
- Jerry Donahue?

Yeah, everything seems to be
back to normal.

It was a nice ass, okay?

Okay. Let's get them
out of here.

How much eggnog
did you have that night?

That's none of your business.

So it sounds
like Marshall and Muriel

- are gonna be okay.
- Yup.

That's what Hayworth marriages
are all about,

looking past
your partner's flaws,

glaring as they may be.

Here comes the mail car.
Mail's here!

Ah, the 4:15 from Abilene.
Right on time.

We got sheep crossing.
Let's shut those gates.

Thank you.
This might take a while.

Watch your wool, sheep.

We gotta get this grain
to Topeka.

Choo-choo!

"Dad, I know you thought
this day would be about trains.

"But we are going to take you
on a different kind of ride,

- an emotional one."
- "What do you mean, son?"

"Dad, as a therapist,

"I would normally step in here.

But Tom clearly has
this handled."

"You know what?
You guys do your thing.

"I'm just gonna sit
in the corner

and say as little as possible."

How long is this?

At least your character
has lines.

Sarah just cries
for the rest of the play.

What do you expect
from a script

- we found in the trash?
- Hey.

What are you kids doing
out here?

- Nothing.
- Okay.

- How's it sounding?
- It's a lot of fun.

You're a great writer.

Still playing with it,
but yeah.

Nice job, Daddy.

Ah, well, thanks, guys.

I guess now that I'm out here,

let's, uh...
Let's take it from the top.

Gretchen, if you don't mind,
I always saw

your character as coming in
from stage left.

So, honey, stage left
is this way.

Okay.

And, uh, if you could be
on your feet for this...

Yeah, you. And you stay down.

Are you guys off book?