Home Economics (2021–…): Season 3, Episode 6 - Novel Signed by Author, $22.19 - full transcript
It's so nice to be back.
It is a little cramped, but...
It is home.
Kelvin, stop being
everywhere I am!
You stop being
everywhere I am!
Oh, my gosh,
you're so annoying!
- Just move!
- Whatever.
Yeah, no one missed
having brunch here.
- Ah!
- Ah!
Ah, sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ah, I'm just a little on edge
because it's Halloween.
Oh, right.
You're still waiting
for Connor to prank you?
The old Scare-a-Sarah.
Yeah, every freakin' year,
even though it's not funny
anymore, Connor.
- Ah!
- Ah!
Ugh, Connor!
Stop it!
Ah!
Connor!
Ah!
Connor!
Every year.
I wish I had a little sister.
Even though this year...
The scarer becomes the scaree.
Look at that.
Look how good that is.
- That looks real.
- Right?
Just one normal holiday.
Well, if it's
any consolation,
I'm a little on edge, too.
I got a book reading tonight,
and I don't think
anyone's going to show up.
Aw.
That's no consolation, no.
Tom, you wanted a reading
at Bay side Books,
I got you a reading
at Bay side Books.
Yeah, but not on Halloween.
Everyone's going to be
too busy to go to some reading.
OK, well, that was
the only time slot they had.
Yes, again,
because Halloween.
I think it's going
to be great, Daddy.
Oh, thank you.
Do the kids have to go too?
No, don't worry.
You're going
trick-or-treating with Lupe.
Yes!
I can hear all of that.
And people might show up.
Tom has fans.
He... he has one fan.
Good ol' HappyHarmony99.
Who?
It's this woman
who's like the first
to comment on every post
I do about the book,
like when I linked
to the review
in "The Chronicle,"
which called it
a "winning and winsome
return to form."
We know.
We don't need to see it again.
Please don't read it again.
Oh, yeah, there she is,
HappyHarmony99.
Wow, she loves that caps lock.
Well, she's a very
passionate person.
Tom's got a super fan.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Heh.
Super fan.
Mom, tell Shamiah
to stop almost touching me!
Ease up, Shamiah, OK?
I don't want to take away
your Halloween candy
before you even get it.
Oh, Sarah,
what's that on your...
- Ah!
- Ah!
Oh. Connor!
Just one holiday.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
*HOME ECONOMICS*
Season 03 Episode 06
Title: " Novel Signed by Author, $22.19"
Upbeat music...
♪ Mr. Werewolf ♪
♪ Mr. Werewolf ♪
Please don't kill me,
Mr. Werewolf!
Great.
Great, I was afraid
people weren't going to be
taking the night seriously.
At least they're dressed
as literary characters.
But... OK.
Mr. Hayworth!
Oh, sorry.
Mr. Hayworth,
I'm Tod, with one D,
co-manager of Bay side Books.
Oh, hey, OK.
Tom, with one M.
Nice.
It's actually a pretty
good turnout, tonight.
Is like, another reading
letting out or something?
Tom, people love your book.
Is that so hard to believe?
Is this an AA meeting?
Is Dean Koontz here?
No, no,
everyone is here for Tom.
It should be
a pretty full house.
If you'll follow me, I'll set
you up before the reading.
Now, we have three
types of water...
Still, sparkling, and coconut.
Go for the coconut.
OK, I'll go coconut.
Sparkling can be a little
too intense for me anyway.
Did you pay for people
to be here?
I did not, no.
I mean, I brought money
for that exact purpose.
But guess I don't need it.
Now I have all this cash.
You want some?
Is today actually
going to be a success?
I mean, obviously,
I'm not surprised.
- It's just...
- Surprising, yeah.
It's so surprising.
Like seriously,
like that woman over there,
she's legit attractive.
And you're telling me she's
here for Tom's book reading?
That doesn't make sense.
- Hey, Sarah.
- Aw, dang it!
- Nice try.
- Ah!
Oh, my God.
Let the Hayworth Halloween
Fashion Show begin!
So that then it can be over.
First, I give you Camila,
dressed as Mirabel
from the hit movie, "Encanto."
Ay, que Linda.
Next is Gretchen as Isabela,
also from the hit movie,
"Encanto."
And if you're sensing a theme,
I give you Kelvin as Bruno,
the guy we don't talk about
from "Encanto."
And finally,
Shamiah as Luisa,
from, you guessed it...
That's not "Encanto."
Has she not seen "Encanto"?
Where's your Luisa costume?
I decided to do
something different.
KnifeEdge Nakasuke
from "Boom Boom Dojo?"
Why?
Whenever I watch anime,
you say it's stupid.
Oh.
I got it, I got it.
Hey, Xander.
Hi, come on in.
I like your costume.
Thanks.
I like yours, too. So cool.
When you told me how much
you like anime, I was psyched.
- Who's this bozo?
- Hm.
Whew, that coconut water's
got a little kick.
This is crazy, even though
it's one of the busiest nights
of the year,
folks really showed up.
It's really...
- Surprising.
- Gratifying.
What'd you say?
That's what
I was going to say.
You writers always
have the exact word.
Hi, sorry. Hi.
It is so nice to meet you
in the flesh.
Wow.
Oh, well, nice to meet you.
I'm Tom.
Oh, I know.
OK.
- You are?
- Right, sorry.
Stupid. I'm Harmony.
- Oh, HappyHarmony99.
- Yes!
Oh, my gosh, you're like...
Like, aware of me.
Oh, he really is.
Well, I'm always happy
to read your comments.
I mean, I'm happy, too,
to be here with you.
Sorry, I'm really nervous.
Oh, no, come on,
don't be nervous.
I'm...
I'm just a writer.
But you're so much more
than that.
This is my wife, Marina,
and Denise.
- Hi.
- Really nice to...
I read "Home Economics"
three times, actually.
- Right.
- Because it's a revelation.
Oh, well...
Thank you.
Stop, thank you.
'Cause it really spoke to me,
like, personally.
Like every word
was, like, a puzzle piece
just falling into place,
like, yes, yes, yes.
Well, "The Chronicle"
did say that my writing
"fairly dances across the
page," whatever that means.
I know that you need
to get ready for the reading,
but I would...
Is there any way we could
talk after, kind of... in private?
Anything for
my number one fan.
Thank you so much.
OK, so I'll see you after,
and we'll talk.
Looking forward to it.
Should I have worn the hat?
No, yes, the hat's fine.
- Thank you.
- It looks great, right?
- It looks great.
- It looks great.
That right there,
that connection...
That's why you write.
Um, there's something
really wrong with her.
Yeah,
I think a bunch of things.
Come on, what,
just 'cause she likes my book,
she's got to be
some kind of weirdo?
Ever occur to you
that my writing
might mean something to her?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
You're right.
OK, come on.
So do you want to go
figure out what her deal is?
Yeah, we got
15 minutes to kill.
Yeah.
So I assume you
scaring me with my own spider
this morning was not
my official scare.
Maybe.
Or maybe this year,
there is no scare,
and the wait for the scare
is the scare itself.
But no, there's definitely
a scare coming your way.
Great. I don't understand
why you keep doing this.
You've been at it
since we were like 10.
Why does the caged bird sing,
Sarah?
That is not what that means.
Please let me buy you a book.
Oh, man, did you hear about
that giant crypto crash today?
Yeah, the entire market
collapsed overnight.
- It's crazy.
- I just invested, like,
a ton of money in crypto
last month.
Are you serious?
You must be so scared.
I got to call my money guy.
This is a disaster.
Call him.
- Hello.
- Nice try, Sarah.
Dang it.
Thanks, guys, good effort.
Good effort.
So this is exciting...
The big book reading.
Do you live in
the neighborhood?
Uh, no, Colorado.
Really?
You didn't fly in
just for this, did you?
Oh, God, no.
Oh, OK.
'Cause I was going to say...
I drove.
19 hours straight through,
no breaks.
I've got a pretty big bladder.
Yeah, just got into town
and pulled up to the store
an hour ago.
Cool.
Where are you going to stay
while you're here?
I have not even thought
that far ahead.
- Oh, oof.
- But anyway, it doesn't matter.
Everything's going to change
for me after tonight.
Code red.
She drove from Colorado
for this,
straight through.
What, no bathroom breaks?
I think we're dealing with
an adult diaper situation.
Oh.
Well, I did some research.
She only follows
three accounts...
Tom, the official
"Home Economics" account,
and a bird watching
for singles account
called Toucan Play.
I think it's a pun,
but it's also just sad.
Good Lord, what is her story?
I knew I was getting
a weird vibe from her.
I read her aura.
It's dark red
with a touch of dark green.
And we know what that means.
Oh, we do?
Yeah, we do.
Oh, my God.
She's going to
"Misery" you, Tom,
like in the movie, "Misery."
OK, come on.
Let's be nice.
She stole your water bottle
out of the trash can.
Why would she do that?
Uh, maybe because
I should have recycled it?
You know, I couldn't
figure out why a woman
would drive a thousand miles
to come to your book reading.
But if she's like a homicidal
stalker maniac,
I mean, mystery solved.
She's going to "Misery" you
with a sledgehammer.
You know, this would make
a great true crime podcast.
Oh, I was just thinking that.
We can call it, "Killer Fan."
Or "Murder She Did,"
or "Only Murders
in the Bookstore."
Literal chills.
This is so exciting.
- And concerning.
- Oh, my God.
Why can't you guys
just let me have this?
After all these years
and years of failure,
people finally care
about Tom Hayworth.
It's like... it's like it's
not good enough for you guys.
My own family.
I am so glad
I didn't sleep with her.
Was that a possibility?
I mean...
It's a simple question
anyone wearing this costume
should know.
I don't remember the name
of KnifeEdge Nakasuke's mom.
Ah!
It's a trick question.
KnifeEdge Nakasuke
never knew her parents.
Yeah, she grew
up in an orphanage.
I'm not talking to you,
SpearPoint Hidemasa.
Lupe, can you please help?
Kelvin, your mom
said I could confiscate
candy for any reason.
Uh-huh, yeah, sure.
You want to fudge
around and find out?
She's going to
the True Crime section.
It's like she
wants to be caught.
Oh, I thought of
more podcast names...
Final Chapter,
End Pages, Killing Tom.
I should really write
some of these down.
Harmony,
don't chicken out now.
Hey, you've come all this way.
Go up to him and do it.
Do it, and it will be done.
Oh, my God.
We have to warn Tom.
This is gonna be
great for the pod.
No, yeah, your thing.
Where did she go?
Your family's probably
just jealous of your success.
You know, when I was made
co-manager of this place,
my grandpa was such a bitch.
Oh, well, I guess
haters gonna hate.
He's suing me right now,
so I can't really get into it.
- You don't have to.
- OK.
Anyways, I'm going to
get you another coco H2O.
You just relax.
All right, keep 'em coming.
Chapter 17... no, no.
Chapter 17.
Nah.
Chapter 17.
Yeah, that's it, the everyman.
Hello?
Sorry, is there
someone back there?
Oh.
Ah!
I finally got you alone.
Harmony, I thought
we were going to talk
after the reading.
Mm, we need to talk now,
because I drove
all the way here for this,
but...
Tom, watch out for
the creepy hot lady.
Not you.
Hey, what do you
want with my husband?
And do we have your
permission to record this
for future broadcasting?
I just need to talk to him
about... everything.
Ugh, I like...
I rehearsed this.
But I'm just like having
so many thoughts
that I'm just like...
Her aura is on fire.
God, you just have
to understand
where I'm coming from,
what my life was like
growing up in Colorado!
I was an only child, OK?
It was just me and my mom,
Harmony and Christine,
Christine and Harmony.
I didn't know where my dad was.
My mom said it was a mistake
she made in the fall of '88.
Thanks, Mom.
And she was always working
at that stupid research lab.
I'm rambling.
Oh, focus, Harmony.
Focus, focus.
OK, thank you for that,
uh, info.
I think I'm going to go
do the reading now.
- No, no, no.
- No?
- I need to get this out.
- Okey doke.
Yeah, so all my life,
I just dreamed of being part
of a big family
with brothers
and sisters and parents.
And then I read your book.
And I knew how you based it
on your family.
And, and suddenly, all the dots
started connecting for me,
you know what I mean?
It was like pew, pew, pew, pew.
And then I realized it.
I mean, realized what?
That I could be your sister.
And that I could finally have
the family I've always wanted.
Hello.
I know, the costume,
it's kind of scary, right?
My wife said, Tod, don't do it.
But I did it.
Anyways,
they're ready for the reading.
Oh, sorry.
Um. OK, I'll see you out there.
She's great.
That was something,
Whoa.
Of course.
Of course, you guys were right.
My book has one fan.
And of course,
she's completely insane.
I thought my career
was taking a turn here.
But it's like...
All this work,
and it's for what?
Hey, no, Tom,
I mean, you were right.
Yes, Harmony is...
Is-is intense.
But all of those
people out there,
they came here to see you.
Yeah, I didn't pay
a single one of them.
And now I have all
this extra cash on me
that I don't even know
what to do with.
I tipped the bathroom
attendant 100 bucks.
We don't have
a bathroom attendant.
Tom, we are so proud of you.
Yeah, we make jokes
because it's fun and very easy.
But you filled this
whole bookstore.
You're a really good friend
to me too.
You know what?
Yeah, you're right.
Thank you.
Let's go read, uh,
a little bit of chapter 17.
We don't even
have a bathroom.
What did you do?
And where was it?
OK, can you just hold off
any scare attempts
until after Tom's reading?
There's a lot going on.
Sarah, you know
I can't promise that.
Oh.
Hey, sweetie, what's going on?
Kelvin won't leave me
or Xander alone.
He's being so annoying.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I... I forgot
to tell him that
Xander was joining you guys
tonight.
Can I have permission
to hit him with my sword,
like on the arm or something?
Mm, permission not granted.
I'm sorry that
he's bugging you.
But he's probably
just a little sad
that you don't spend as much
time with him these days.
It's not a real sword.
It's like hard foam.
Yeah, still no.
He's annoying his big sister
because he wants you
to pay attention to him.
Believe it or not, it... it...
It comes from a place of love.
Even if he doesn't realize that
that is why he's doing it,
he's just trying to stay
in his big sister's life.
OK, but he's being a jerk.
OK, good talk, have fun.
No, you didn't even...
What?
Nothing, little brother.
Is this you
trying to scare me?
'Cause this is working.
Good evening, and welcome
to Bay side "Boo-ks."
Just kidding.
Halloween.
I'm not actually a vampire.
It is my pleasure to introduce
tonight's author,
who I'm proud to call
my new friend,
reading from his new novel,
"Home Economics," Tom Hayworth.
- Yeah!
- Bravo!
Whoo.
Thank you all for coming out.
Go, Tom!
Heh.
"Chorpter" 17...
Right off the bat.
Obviously, chapter 17...
Shake it off.
Tim Hayward loved Halloween.
When he was a kid, he'd swear
it was because of the candy.
But deep down,
he loved Halloween,
because it was a day
he didn't have to be himself.
Tim, even as a boy, was already
trying on the heavy sweater
of self-doubt that he'd come
to wear full-time
as he made his way
into adulthood.
The opportunity to be someone...
Wow, this is so good.
You still haven't read it?
Sarah, I've read it.
I just haven't, like, read it.
Hovered above the
Hayward House in 1988.
Their mom and dad
hit a rough patch.
Dad was finding reasons
to spend more and more time
traveling for work.
To Tim and Tara,
he seemed to be in Colorado
more than he was at home.
Colorado... uh, sorry.
For weeks at a time...
He was off in
a different time zone,
toiling away in a research lab.
Research lab.
She said '88, right?
Uh, but he'd
call every night.
Mom would pass the phone
over to the kids
with barely a word, not that
he ever had much to report,
just that his days
working in the lab,
with a fellow scientist
named Chris,
who I'd always assumed
was a man,
but could just as easily
be Christine.
Christine.
My mom.
And the long weeks
of traveling...
OK, please tell me
this is your prank.
You did it.
I'm scared.
Now just make this stop.
I was hoping this
was you scaring me.
What? No, I was just going
to put this rubber vomit
- on your car later.
- So this is not a prank?
This is really happening.
Dad would always return
from these marathon trips
exhausted, talking about
experiments that lasted
late into the night with Chris.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
This morning,
I wished for a sister.
And now I just get one?
I mean, what kind of
superpower is that?
She can't be our half-sister.
She just can't.
Well, all the details line up.
No, no, no, no.
Because that would mean that I
thought my half-sister was hot.
And that is just...
That is just not ideal.
That's why she took
Tom's water bottle,
to match his DNA.
And that's why I sensed
a weird aura around her,
because she's a Hayworth.
No offense.
Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Look who it is.
Hey, soul sistah.
No? OK.
Yeah, it's a lot to process
all at once.
- Nah.
- No.
- W-we're super...
- No.
- It's what it is.
- Chill.
And I'm really sorry
about what happened before.
I was just so wired
from the drive
and freaking out about meeting
a family I never knew I had.
And you guys must have
thought I was a stalker.
- What?
- No.
- No.
- The ruler?
We are go-with-the-flow
type people.
And Tom thought you were hot.
And I said, no, Tom.
Yeah, there's definitely
no way we wanted
to start a podcast about you.
So yes, I saw an interview
where you talked about
how much was based on your life.
And I just pieced it together
with clues from my own.
And yeah,
it seems like your dad is,
well, my dad.
Well, we did know
he had an affair years ago.
Yeah, we just didn't know
that anything came of it.
Right.
Like... you.
Well, hi.
I'm Harmony.
- Hey.
- Hi.
But you did like
the book, right?
Uh, which one is he again?
That's Baron Yohiro.
He acts like a friend
to the Boom Boom Brotherhood,
but you're going to want
to keep an eye on him.
Hmm.
Well, let's watch one more
episode after this one's over.
Whatever.
Oh, boy.
Guys, our DNA tests are in.
- Well?
- Oh.
Uh, we officially
have a half-sister.
Whoa.
Oh, also,
we're 2% Ashkenazi Jew.
Huh.
Oh, I'm 4% Italian.
Mama mia.
Wait, why did you
get a DNA test?
What, everything has
to be about the Hayworths?
Well, who's going to tell Dad?
Yeah, and what's Mom
going to think?
I mean, she barely
forgave him for the affair.
This is like
a whole other level.
That's it.
I can't take this
emotional stress.
Tonight I'm having cookies.
Ah!
Yes!
I got you, finally!
Not the best timing,
really, really bad timing.
But I finally did it.
Whoo!
It is a little cramped, but...
It is home.
Kelvin, stop being
everywhere I am!
You stop being
everywhere I am!
Oh, my gosh,
you're so annoying!
- Just move!
- Whatever.
Yeah, no one missed
having brunch here.
- Ah!
- Ah!
Ah, sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ah, I'm just a little on edge
because it's Halloween.
Oh, right.
You're still waiting
for Connor to prank you?
The old Scare-a-Sarah.
Yeah, every freakin' year,
even though it's not funny
anymore, Connor.
- Ah!
- Ah!
Ugh, Connor!
Stop it!
Ah!
Connor!
Ah!
Connor!
Every year.
I wish I had a little sister.
Even though this year...
The scarer becomes the scaree.
Look at that.
Look how good that is.
- That looks real.
- Right?
Just one normal holiday.
Well, if it's
any consolation,
I'm a little on edge, too.
I got a book reading tonight,
and I don't think
anyone's going to show up.
Aw.
That's no consolation, no.
Tom, you wanted a reading
at Bay side Books,
I got you a reading
at Bay side Books.
Yeah, but not on Halloween.
Everyone's going to be
too busy to go to some reading.
OK, well, that was
the only time slot they had.
Yes, again,
because Halloween.
I think it's going
to be great, Daddy.
Oh, thank you.
Do the kids have to go too?
No, don't worry.
You're going
trick-or-treating with Lupe.
Yes!
I can hear all of that.
And people might show up.
Tom has fans.
He... he has one fan.
Good ol' HappyHarmony99.
Who?
It's this woman
who's like the first
to comment on every post
I do about the book,
like when I linked
to the review
in "The Chronicle,"
which called it
a "winning and winsome
return to form."
We know.
We don't need to see it again.
Please don't read it again.
Oh, yeah, there she is,
HappyHarmony99.
Wow, she loves that caps lock.
Well, she's a very
passionate person.
Tom's got a super fan.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Heh.
Super fan.
Mom, tell Shamiah
to stop almost touching me!
Ease up, Shamiah, OK?
I don't want to take away
your Halloween candy
before you even get it.
Oh, Sarah,
what's that on your...
- Ah!
- Ah!
Oh. Connor!
Just one holiday.
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
*HOME ECONOMICS*
Season 03 Episode 06
Title: " Novel Signed by Author, $22.19"
Upbeat music...
♪ Mr. Werewolf ♪
♪ Mr. Werewolf ♪
Please don't kill me,
Mr. Werewolf!
Great.
Great, I was afraid
people weren't going to be
taking the night seriously.
At least they're dressed
as literary characters.
But... OK.
Mr. Hayworth!
Oh, sorry.
Mr. Hayworth,
I'm Tod, with one D,
co-manager of Bay side Books.
Oh, hey, OK.
Tom, with one M.
Nice.
It's actually a pretty
good turnout, tonight.
Is like, another reading
letting out or something?
Tom, people love your book.
Is that so hard to believe?
Is this an AA meeting?
Is Dean Koontz here?
No, no,
everyone is here for Tom.
It should be
a pretty full house.
If you'll follow me, I'll set
you up before the reading.
Now, we have three
types of water...
Still, sparkling, and coconut.
Go for the coconut.
OK, I'll go coconut.
Sparkling can be a little
too intense for me anyway.
Did you pay for people
to be here?
I did not, no.
I mean, I brought money
for that exact purpose.
But guess I don't need it.
Now I have all this cash.
You want some?
Is today actually
going to be a success?
I mean, obviously,
I'm not surprised.
- It's just...
- Surprising, yeah.
It's so surprising.
Like seriously,
like that woman over there,
she's legit attractive.
And you're telling me she's
here for Tom's book reading?
That doesn't make sense.
- Hey, Sarah.
- Aw, dang it!
- Nice try.
- Ah!
Oh, my God.
Let the Hayworth Halloween
Fashion Show begin!
So that then it can be over.
First, I give you Camila,
dressed as Mirabel
from the hit movie, "Encanto."
Ay, que Linda.
Next is Gretchen as Isabela,
also from the hit movie,
"Encanto."
And if you're sensing a theme,
I give you Kelvin as Bruno,
the guy we don't talk about
from "Encanto."
And finally,
Shamiah as Luisa,
from, you guessed it...
That's not "Encanto."
Has she not seen "Encanto"?
Where's your Luisa costume?
I decided to do
something different.
KnifeEdge Nakasuke
from "Boom Boom Dojo?"
Why?
Whenever I watch anime,
you say it's stupid.
Oh.
I got it, I got it.
Hey, Xander.
Hi, come on in.
I like your costume.
Thanks.
I like yours, too. So cool.
When you told me how much
you like anime, I was psyched.
- Who's this bozo?
- Hm.
Whew, that coconut water's
got a little kick.
This is crazy, even though
it's one of the busiest nights
of the year,
folks really showed up.
It's really...
- Surprising.
- Gratifying.
What'd you say?
That's what
I was going to say.
You writers always
have the exact word.
Hi, sorry. Hi.
It is so nice to meet you
in the flesh.
Wow.
Oh, well, nice to meet you.
I'm Tom.
Oh, I know.
OK.
- You are?
- Right, sorry.
Stupid. I'm Harmony.
- Oh, HappyHarmony99.
- Yes!
Oh, my gosh, you're like...
Like, aware of me.
Oh, he really is.
Well, I'm always happy
to read your comments.
I mean, I'm happy, too,
to be here with you.
Sorry, I'm really nervous.
Oh, no, come on,
don't be nervous.
I'm...
I'm just a writer.
But you're so much more
than that.
This is my wife, Marina,
and Denise.
- Hi.
- Really nice to...
I read "Home Economics"
three times, actually.
- Right.
- Because it's a revelation.
Oh, well...
Thank you.
Stop, thank you.
'Cause it really spoke to me,
like, personally.
Like every word
was, like, a puzzle piece
just falling into place,
like, yes, yes, yes.
Well, "The Chronicle"
did say that my writing
"fairly dances across the
page," whatever that means.
I know that you need
to get ready for the reading,
but I would...
Is there any way we could
talk after, kind of... in private?
Anything for
my number one fan.
Thank you so much.
OK, so I'll see you after,
and we'll talk.
Looking forward to it.
Should I have worn the hat?
No, yes, the hat's fine.
- Thank you.
- It looks great, right?
- It looks great.
- It looks great.
That right there,
that connection...
That's why you write.
Um, there's something
really wrong with her.
Yeah,
I think a bunch of things.
Come on, what,
just 'cause she likes my book,
she's got to be
some kind of weirdo?
Ever occur to you
that my writing
might mean something to her?
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
You're right.
OK, come on.
So do you want to go
figure out what her deal is?
Yeah, we got
15 minutes to kill.
Yeah.
So I assume you
scaring me with my own spider
this morning was not
my official scare.
Maybe.
Or maybe this year,
there is no scare,
and the wait for the scare
is the scare itself.
But no, there's definitely
a scare coming your way.
Great. I don't understand
why you keep doing this.
You've been at it
since we were like 10.
Why does the caged bird sing,
Sarah?
That is not what that means.
Please let me buy you a book.
Oh, man, did you hear about
that giant crypto crash today?
Yeah, the entire market
collapsed overnight.
- It's crazy.
- I just invested, like,
a ton of money in crypto
last month.
Are you serious?
You must be so scared.
I got to call my money guy.
This is a disaster.
Call him.
- Hello.
- Nice try, Sarah.
Dang it.
Thanks, guys, good effort.
Good effort.
So this is exciting...
The big book reading.
Do you live in
the neighborhood?
Uh, no, Colorado.
Really?
You didn't fly in
just for this, did you?
Oh, God, no.
Oh, OK.
'Cause I was going to say...
I drove.
19 hours straight through,
no breaks.
I've got a pretty big bladder.
Yeah, just got into town
and pulled up to the store
an hour ago.
Cool.
Where are you going to stay
while you're here?
I have not even thought
that far ahead.
- Oh, oof.
- But anyway, it doesn't matter.
Everything's going to change
for me after tonight.
Code red.
She drove from Colorado
for this,
straight through.
What, no bathroom breaks?
I think we're dealing with
an adult diaper situation.
Oh.
Well, I did some research.
She only follows
three accounts...
Tom, the official
"Home Economics" account,
and a bird watching
for singles account
called Toucan Play.
I think it's a pun,
but it's also just sad.
Good Lord, what is her story?
I knew I was getting
a weird vibe from her.
I read her aura.
It's dark red
with a touch of dark green.
And we know what that means.
Oh, we do?
Yeah, we do.
Oh, my God.
She's going to
"Misery" you, Tom,
like in the movie, "Misery."
OK, come on.
Let's be nice.
She stole your water bottle
out of the trash can.
Why would she do that?
Uh, maybe because
I should have recycled it?
You know, I couldn't
figure out why a woman
would drive a thousand miles
to come to your book reading.
But if she's like a homicidal
stalker maniac,
I mean, mystery solved.
She's going to "Misery" you
with a sledgehammer.
You know, this would make
a great true crime podcast.
Oh, I was just thinking that.
We can call it, "Killer Fan."
Or "Murder She Did,"
or "Only Murders
in the Bookstore."
Literal chills.
This is so exciting.
- And concerning.
- Oh, my God.
Why can't you guys
just let me have this?
After all these years
and years of failure,
people finally care
about Tom Hayworth.
It's like... it's like it's
not good enough for you guys.
My own family.
I am so glad
I didn't sleep with her.
Was that a possibility?
I mean...
It's a simple question
anyone wearing this costume
should know.
I don't remember the name
of KnifeEdge Nakasuke's mom.
Ah!
It's a trick question.
KnifeEdge Nakasuke
never knew her parents.
Yeah, she grew
up in an orphanage.
I'm not talking to you,
SpearPoint Hidemasa.
Lupe, can you please help?
Kelvin, your mom
said I could confiscate
candy for any reason.
Uh-huh, yeah, sure.
You want to fudge
around and find out?
She's going to
the True Crime section.
It's like she
wants to be caught.
Oh, I thought of
more podcast names...
Final Chapter,
End Pages, Killing Tom.
I should really write
some of these down.
Harmony,
don't chicken out now.
Hey, you've come all this way.
Go up to him and do it.
Do it, and it will be done.
Oh, my God.
We have to warn Tom.
This is gonna be
great for the pod.
No, yeah, your thing.
Where did she go?
Your family's probably
just jealous of your success.
You know, when I was made
co-manager of this place,
my grandpa was such a bitch.
Oh, well, I guess
haters gonna hate.
He's suing me right now,
so I can't really get into it.
- You don't have to.
- OK.
Anyways, I'm going to
get you another coco H2O.
You just relax.
All right, keep 'em coming.
Chapter 17... no, no.
Chapter 17.
Nah.
Chapter 17.
Yeah, that's it, the everyman.
Hello?
Sorry, is there
someone back there?
Oh.
Ah!
I finally got you alone.
Harmony, I thought
we were going to talk
after the reading.
Mm, we need to talk now,
because I drove
all the way here for this,
but...
Tom, watch out for
the creepy hot lady.
Not you.
Hey, what do you
want with my husband?
And do we have your
permission to record this
for future broadcasting?
I just need to talk to him
about... everything.
Ugh, I like...
I rehearsed this.
But I'm just like having
so many thoughts
that I'm just like...
Her aura is on fire.
God, you just have
to understand
where I'm coming from,
what my life was like
growing up in Colorado!
I was an only child, OK?
It was just me and my mom,
Harmony and Christine,
Christine and Harmony.
I didn't know where my dad was.
My mom said it was a mistake
she made in the fall of '88.
Thanks, Mom.
And she was always working
at that stupid research lab.
I'm rambling.
Oh, focus, Harmony.
Focus, focus.
OK, thank you for that,
uh, info.
I think I'm going to go
do the reading now.
- No, no, no.
- No?
- I need to get this out.
- Okey doke.
Yeah, so all my life,
I just dreamed of being part
of a big family
with brothers
and sisters and parents.
And then I read your book.
And I knew how you based it
on your family.
And, and suddenly, all the dots
started connecting for me,
you know what I mean?
It was like pew, pew, pew, pew.
And then I realized it.
I mean, realized what?
That I could be your sister.
And that I could finally have
the family I've always wanted.
Hello.
I know, the costume,
it's kind of scary, right?
My wife said, Tod, don't do it.
But I did it.
Anyways,
they're ready for the reading.
Oh, sorry.
Um. OK, I'll see you out there.
She's great.
That was something,
Whoa.
Of course.
Of course, you guys were right.
My book has one fan.
And of course,
she's completely insane.
I thought my career
was taking a turn here.
But it's like...
All this work,
and it's for what?
Hey, no, Tom,
I mean, you were right.
Yes, Harmony is...
Is-is intense.
But all of those
people out there,
they came here to see you.
Yeah, I didn't pay
a single one of them.
And now I have all
this extra cash on me
that I don't even know
what to do with.
I tipped the bathroom
attendant 100 bucks.
We don't have
a bathroom attendant.
Tom, we are so proud of you.
Yeah, we make jokes
because it's fun and very easy.
But you filled this
whole bookstore.
You're a really good friend
to me too.
You know what?
Yeah, you're right.
Thank you.
Let's go read, uh,
a little bit of chapter 17.
We don't even
have a bathroom.
What did you do?
And where was it?
OK, can you just hold off
any scare attempts
until after Tom's reading?
There's a lot going on.
Sarah, you know
I can't promise that.
Oh.
Hey, sweetie, what's going on?
Kelvin won't leave me
or Xander alone.
He's being so annoying.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess I... I forgot
to tell him that
Xander was joining you guys
tonight.
Can I have permission
to hit him with my sword,
like on the arm or something?
Mm, permission not granted.
I'm sorry that
he's bugging you.
But he's probably
just a little sad
that you don't spend as much
time with him these days.
It's not a real sword.
It's like hard foam.
Yeah, still no.
He's annoying his big sister
because he wants you
to pay attention to him.
Believe it or not, it... it...
It comes from a place of love.
Even if he doesn't realize that
that is why he's doing it,
he's just trying to stay
in his big sister's life.
OK, but he's being a jerk.
OK, good talk, have fun.
No, you didn't even...
What?
Nothing, little brother.
Is this you
trying to scare me?
'Cause this is working.
Good evening, and welcome
to Bay side "Boo-ks."
Just kidding.
Halloween.
I'm not actually a vampire.
It is my pleasure to introduce
tonight's author,
who I'm proud to call
my new friend,
reading from his new novel,
"Home Economics," Tom Hayworth.
- Yeah!
- Bravo!
Whoo.
Thank you all for coming out.
Go, Tom!
Heh.
"Chorpter" 17...
Right off the bat.
Obviously, chapter 17...
Shake it off.
Tim Hayward loved Halloween.
When he was a kid, he'd swear
it was because of the candy.
But deep down,
he loved Halloween,
because it was a day
he didn't have to be himself.
Tim, even as a boy, was already
trying on the heavy sweater
of self-doubt that he'd come
to wear full-time
as he made his way
into adulthood.
The opportunity to be someone...
Wow, this is so good.
You still haven't read it?
Sarah, I've read it.
I just haven't, like, read it.
Hovered above the
Hayward House in 1988.
Their mom and dad
hit a rough patch.
Dad was finding reasons
to spend more and more time
traveling for work.
To Tim and Tara,
he seemed to be in Colorado
more than he was at home.
Colorado... uh, sorry.
For weeks at a time...
He was off in
a different time zone,
toiling away in a research lab.
Research lab.
She said '88, right?
Uh, but he'd
call every night.
Mom would pass the phone
over to the kids
with barely a word, not that
he ever had much to report,
just that his days
working in the lab,
with a fellow scientist
named Chris,
who I'd always assumed
was a man,
but could just as easily
be Christine.
Christine.
My mom.
And the long weeks
of traveling...
OK, please tell me
this is your prank.
You did it.
I'm scared.
Now just make this stop.
I was hoping this
was you scaring me.
What? No, I was just going
to put this rubber vomit
- on your car later.
- So this is not a prank?
This is really happening.
Dad would always return
from these marathon trips
exhausted, talking about
experiments that lasted
late into the night with Chris.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
This morning,
I wished for a sister.
And now I just get one?
I mean, what kind of
superpower is that?
She can't be our half-sister.
She just can't.
Well, all the details line up.
No, no, no, no.
Because that would mean that I
thought my half-sister was hot.
And that is just...
That is just not ideal.
That's why she took
Tom's water bottle,
to match his DNA.
And that's why I sensed
a weird aura around her,
because she's a Hayworth.
No offense.
Hey.
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Look who it is.
Hey, soul sistah.
No? OK.
Yeah, it's a lot to process
all at once.
- Nah.
- No.
- W-we're super...
- No.
- It's what it is.
- Chill.
And I'm really sorry
about what happened before.
I was just so wired
from the drive
and freaking out about meeting
a family I never knew I had.
And you guys must have
thought I was a stalker.
- What?
- No.
- No.
- The ruler?
We are go-with-the-flow
type people.
And Tom thought you were hot.
And I said, no, Tom.
Yeah, there's definitely
no way we wanted
to start a podcast about you.
So yes, I saw an interview
where you talked about
how much was based on your life.
And I just pieced it together
with clues from my own.
And yeah,
it seems like your dad is,
well, my dad.
Well, we did know
he had an affair years ago.
Yeah, we just didn't know
that anything came of it.
Right.
Like... you.
Well, hi.
I'm Harmony.
- Hey.
- Hi.
But you did like
the book, right?
Uh, which one is he again?
That's Baron Yohiro.
He acts like a friend
to the Boom Boom Brotherhood,
but you're going to want
to keep an eye on him.
Hmm.
Well, let's watch one more
episode after this one's over.
Whatever.
Oh, boy.
Guys, our DNA tests are in.
- Well?
- Oh.
Uh, we officially
have a half-sister.
Whoa.
Oh, also,
we're 2% Ashkenazi Jew.
Huh.
Oh, I'm 4% Italian.
Mama mia.
Wait, why did you
get a DNA test?
What, everything has
to be about the Hayworths?
Well, who's going to tell Dad?
Yeah, and what's Mom
going to think?
I mean, she barely
forgave him for the affair.
This is like
a whole other level.
That's it.
I can't take this
emotional stress.
Tonight I'm having cookies.
Ah!
Yes!
I got you, finally!
Not the best timing,
really, really bad timing.
But I finally did it.
Whoo!