Home Economics (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Pregnancy Test, $12.98 - full transcript

Chapter 20.

Valentine's Day
was approaching,

the one holiday
the Hayworth siblings

never celebrated together.

And that in itself
was cause for celebration.

Yes, it is. Valentine's Day
is a scam, okay?

It's consumerist,
it's artificial,

obviously heteronormative.

- That's my gal.
- Look, I love my wife.

But why do I have to spend
money to show it, hmm?

- See? Cost nothing.
- Aww.



Speaking Spanish...

Stop throwing croissants
at your cousins!

We shouldn't have to say this
every weekend.

Well, at least Valentine's
is a night without children.

- Not it.
- Not it.

Damn it.

So I'm guessing
you two haven't

told Gretchen
that you're dating.

I'm just waiting
for the right time.

Whenever you're ready.

I'm thinking maybe
when she goes off to college.

- Yeah.
- What?

I just don't know how
to tell her that I'm

so serious about someone
that for Valentine's Day



I'm taking her to... Silo.

Oh, I read about that place.

The food's supposed
to be insane.

And it's in
an empty bomb shelter

underneath
an abandoned subway tunnel.

Very cool, Connor.

Wow, so cool.
Hey, we should clear these.

'Bout to get thanked.

Ew.

Babe, Silo
is such a crazy surprise.

Yeah. I knew you'd love it.

I do.
But I was gonna surprise you.

We've been going
to lots of cool places,

but I thought we could
keep Valentine's Day simple.

Something I can pay for,
for once.

Since Gretchen will be
at her mom's, I was thinking

we could do pizza
and a movie at your place.

It'll be more romantic.
I promise.

Totally. No problem.

Big problem.

JoJo has other plans
for Valentine's Day.

Oh.

No, other plans with me.

- Ah.
- Yay!

Yeah, but Silo's
already paid for,

and it's non-refundable,

so if I made the reservation
for four,

would you guys
be down to take it?

Otherwise it's just
a complete loss.

- Yes, that's nice.
- No, thank you.

- Yes.
- Oh, my God.

It's so elitist...
You guys said yes.

Yay!

Valentine's Day!

*HOME ECONOMICS*
Season 02 Episode 13

Episode Title: "Pregnancy Test, $12.98"
Aired on: February 02, 2022.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I don't think
we're cool enough to be here.

Something for the Gram.

- Yeah, definitely not.
- Ooh.

Watermelon vodka
and hibiscus liqueur,

with a champagne
nitrogen Popsicle

served inside
hand-blown Austrian glassware.

This is Silo.

- What?
- It's just... it's made-up.

It's mad libs.

Like, oh, drink
this chocolate martini

out of a man's shoe.

But it's so good.

Yeah, and it probably costs,
like, $500.

It's not even our money.
Connor's paying for it.

Like, why you always
have to focus on the negative?

Well, that's her
love language.

Just try to keep it light,

you know,
it's Valentine's Day.

I'm not negative.

Or to put it in a not
negative way, I am positive.

- Really?
- I am, or I can be.

I-I love this place.

It's totally my vibe.

Cheers, Lulu. To us!

Aw, to us.

Lion's mane mushrooms
dusted with gold leaf.

This is Silo.

Gold leaf.

Gold leaf, mmm.

Bet you can taste the money.

I feel rich.

Are you sure you're okay
not being

at the fanciest
of fancy restaurants?

If I was there, I probably
wouldn't be doing this,

or this, or this.

Security cam.

I'll tell the pizza guy
to throw it over the gate.

You better not!

Uh, not pizza.
It's Gretchen and Emily.

What? Oh, my God. Okay.

I'll... I'll be in the pantry.

Okay. Thank you.

There's... your phone charger's
still in there

and there's, like,
peanut butter

if you get hungry, I guess.

- Hey!
- Hey, Daddy!

Sweetie. What a surprise.

Sorry, she forgot her
stuffed animal.

I offer to buy her a new one,

but she's all about that bear.

Yeah. Benny Bear.
He's, uh, one hell of a guy.

Oh, I have had a day.

We had to write down
the Summit deal by 50 mil.

Oh, man.

Bet you just wanna get home

and be home, huh?

I see you broke open
the bottle of Lafite.

Two glasses.
You got a big date?

No. No.
Just... just double-fisting it.

You know how I roll,
just me and myself

and two glasses of vino.

Yeah.

Hey, I got a pizza for JoJo.

JoJo?

JoJo. Who is JoJo?
Who is that?

Oh, you know what?
I ordered it for Coco.

I've been going by Coco
these days.

Oh, why?

Just trying it out, okay?

Wait, is JoJo here?

Mom, that's Aunt Denise's
sister.

- Oh, is that right?
- JoJo? JoJo!

- Huh, Gretchen.
- Wow. Okay.

Hey, G. What's happening?
Hi, I'm JoJo.

Emily. Gretchen's mom.
Connor's ex... wife.

Anybody gonna take the pizza?

Yeah. Yes.

Seafood menagerie.
This is Silo.

Oh.

That's a... that's
a lot of seafood.

Well, whenever I "see food,"
I eat it.

Where do I get this stuff?

There is no way
those oysters

were sustainably farmed.

Uh, hey, what about
a little dance break, huh?

Me and you?

Oh, I don't think this
music's really for dancing.

You can dance to anything
if you want.

- Huh?
- I don't think that's true.

Hey, guys.

What do you think about spicing
it up a little bit, huh?

Maybe, like,
a little Sarah McLachlan?

Tracy Chapman? No?

Okay. That's fine.
This is good too. I like this.

Come with me
to the bathroom.

Oh, okay.

Lulu?

Oh, my "cod."

These oysters
look "shucking" fantastic.

I'm a writer.

- Hey, you okay?
- I'm-I'm feeling very queasy,

and literally
the only other times

that shellfish made me queasy
was when I was pregnant.

Well, it's a good thing
you're not pregnant.

Wait, are you pregnant?

You're not pregnant.
Are you pregnant?

My period is a few days late.

That could be anything.
That could be early menopause.

- Oh, I wish.
- You wish?

Oh, but Tom and I, we've
been doing it a lot lately.

Especially last week
when my dad came to visit.

Oh, no, did my dad
make me pregnant?

Okay.
Let's not phrase it like that.

- What if it's twins again?
- Okay.

We don't know
if it's anything again.

Oh, I-I... no, no, no,
I can't have another baby.

I didn't even want
these last ones.

Don't tell him I said that.

Denise, you do not know
what it's like.

That... that is true.

When we adopted
Kelvin and Shamiah,

they were already talking
and asking for allowance.

Do you wanna go home?

No, that's where my kids are.

Okay, well, then let's try
to enjoy the restaurant.

The next course is all foam.

Okay, yeah. You're right.
You're right.

Pretty soon, I won't be able
to leave the house again.

So... stupid sex.

Speaking Spanish

Hey, be nice
to yourself, okay?

- I do love my kids.
- Yeah.

I just have enough of them.

I'm assuming we shouldn't
mention anything to Tom?

Oh, God. No. No, no, no.

Let's not let him
worry about this.

- Yeah.
- Let's just... let's just

let him enjoy
his little crab legs.

- Yeah. Oh, okay.
- I'm good.

- Okay.
- I'm just...

Okay. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Mommy, JoJo's so nice
and funny and cool.

- Wow.
- She taught me how to do this.

Aha. Cool.

Wait, where's Kelvin
and Shamiah?

Are you here by yourself
with Daddy?

Sweetie, let's go get

Benjamin Bearworth,
Attorney-at-Claw.

And then, I need to talk
to you about something.

Am I in trouble?
I didn't fly the drone indoors

if that's what you're thinking.

No, come on.

Yeah. I didn't even know
that he was seeing anyone.

Yeah, we were kinda

keeping it quiet
since it's all really new.

I'm sorry for just,
you know, barging in.

- Oh.
- It was just,

I've been in meetings all day
with the partners, you know,

negotiating a buyout, and...

Somebody needs an assistant
for their assistant.

- Sounds like it.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

Ah, so what do you do?

- I am an entrepreneur.
- Ah.

In the digital marketing
space.

Wow. So like a founder
or an angel investor?

Sort of. I'm an influencer.

That's hilarious.

Oh. Oh, you are an influencer?
Okay.

That's so fun.
I love that.

Wait, so how did you
and Connor meet again?

- Denise.
- Oh.

- My sister.
- Of course. Yeah.

No, I was just wondering,
you know, how you two met

because, like, Connor usually
meets women at conventions

or, you know, UHNW events and...

UHNW?

Oh, sorry.
Ultra-high net worth.

Right. Yeah.

We did not meet
at one of those.

Yeah, I mean, they're boring.

Yeah.

You know, the pizza's
getting a little cold.

I should warm it up.
It's ultra-high pepperoni.

Yeah.

- UHPP.
- UHPP.

Are you going
to say something?

Yeah. You know, JoJo, right?

- She's downstairs.
- She is.

And do you remember
when you were saying

- that she's so nice and funny?
- Yeah.

Me and all the cousins
are obsessed with her.

She's really cool.

I agree.

So I decided... well, I asked...
Um...

if she'd be my girlfriend,
and she said yes.

So that's kinda cool, right?

Yeah. I was wondering
when you were gonna tell me.

- You knew?
- For a while now.

During brunch,
you guys are always

in the pantry together
having snacks.

No. We're not...
No, we weren't...

Wait, did you... did you say
having snacks?

Yeah.
That's what I thought you said.

Yes, we are having snacks.

We are having a lot of snacks.

What kind of snacks
are they?

Okay, this is... what is this?
21 questions?

Are they sweet or salty?

They're... I don't... they're
just...

They're snacks.

Let's leave it at that.

So I'm doing my sexy dance
and Denise just walks away?

Maybe you're right.
Maybe she is sick of me,

just like Marina's sick of you.

- What now?
- Nothing.

For your information,
things are going great

with me and Marina lately,
and our sex life...

- I don't need details.
- All right.

Well, we'll just say ya' boy's
still got it going on.

Hey, honey. My Valentine.
Missed you.

- While I was in the bathroom?
- Yeah.

You have to try
one of these scallops.

Delicious.

You know,
can we eat clear this

and bring on the next course?

That would be great.

Whoa. What's the rush?

Let's get
Connor's money's worth, right?

Oh, look at that couple
over there.

Get a room, right?

They look pretty normal
to me.

Oh, you missed it.

They were, like,
all over each other.

And you were so right,
Valentine's Day is the worst.

Tom? Sidebar at the bar?

Okay.

God.
Now I'm bringing her down.

- Just keep it positive.
- Okay.

I'm freaking out.
All I can think about

are the three babies
growing inside of me.

Now there's triplets? Okay.

There's a drugstore
on the corner.

I will get you
a pregnancy test.

- You would do that for me?
- Yes, of course.

Just save whatever weird food
they bring out next.

Okay.

I ruined the whole night.
She's mad at me.

She's not mad at you.

I'll be right back.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.

- Oh, I'll come with.
- No, that's okay.

Yeah, she might be
a little mad.

Am I really negative?

- I love that wine.
- I know. It's amazing, right?

Yeah.
I just... I wish I had more.

This is Silo.

I'm good, you know. Thanks.

You don't want
any more wine?

That doesn't sound like you.

I don't know.
I just don't feel like it.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
You're pregnant!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

What if it's quadruplets?
What if it's quadruplets?

Well, there goes
my writing career.

I guess I'll just have
to get a job in construction.

You know, start work
at 5:00 a.m., get off at 3:00.

Eat, like, a Hot Pocket
over a garbage can

and then start my shift
at night construction.

And those other construction
guys... I mean, I just know it,

they're gonna be mean to me.

Whoa! Do you guys have like,
a kitchen in this place?

- This is Silo.
- Yes!

I know the name
of the restaurant.

Thank you!
Oh, my God.

How long does it take
to buy a pregnancy test, huh?

This is bad. It's so bad.
Don't you think this is bad?

Oh, well, thank you
for asking me

about my opinions
in the matter.

Oh, no, come on.
You're like... you're

a big part of this.

'Cause if... 'cause you're,
you know, the baby is gonna...

The baby comes outta you.

What were you thinking?

Well, I was thinking
that maybe you could...

I don't know...
Have some reassuring words

so you could be my rock.

- Oh, yeah. Like, your rock.
- Mm-hmm.

The kind of thing they move
with a bulldozer.

I could do that job.

Does you need, like,
a special license for that?

No. It's...

I'm gonna go for a walk
while I can still see my feet.

Okay. I love you.
That was too late.

I should have said it
at the beginning.

Well, at least I know
why Denise left now.

It was because of Marina,
not 'cause of me.

- Mm.
- Yeah. Drink up.

Go ahead. There we go.

What's wrong?
Are they eating all our pizza?

I don't care about the pizza.

I have been listening to your
super successful ex-wife

make super clear
how not successful I am.

- What are you talking about?
- I'm gonna go.

We can celebrate another day.

Whoa! Hey, you can't leave
'cause of something

Emily said.
Gretchen loves you.

She already assumed
we were together.

Look, this is... this
is all fixable.

- Hey, Em?
- Hmm?

Could I talk to you
in the... gym, I guess?

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes I wish
I had more walls.

Okay.
Well, this is a surprise.

But yes, JoJo is my girlfriend.

Can you just try
to be warm to her?

I was being warm. What?

It's just that my version
of warm is,

you know, most people's tepid.

It's my Dutch heritage.

You spent five minutes
talking to her, and apparently,

you spent most of it bragging
about your success.

Did you tell her
your net worth too?

I don't even know
my net worth.

I mean, the market's
been so volatile lately...

You were trying
to intimidate her.

No, I was not, okay?

I was making conversation.

Look, okay, I get it.

JoJo is really likeable.

It's Valentine's Day.

You don't wanna be by yourself.

I mean, no one wants to be
alone on Valentine's Day.

What are you trying to say?
That she's just some rando?

- No.
- Like we're only hanging out

on Valentine's Day
'cause we don't wanna...

- Hey, what's up?
- Shh-shh-shh.

Just listening to
a straight man miss subtext.

- Yeah.
- It's Valentine's Day.

What's subtext?

Hey, Marina, honey,
I'm so sorry.

It's okay.
I freaked out too.

I mean, just the thought
of having babies

when you already have babies
is... is a lot.

Yes. It's more than a lot.
We have plenty to think about.

All night I've been telling
Sarah to be more positive

and... I gotta start
taking my own advice.

Look, maybe it's just
the tarragon mojitos talking,

but I think we're forgetting
the good times, you know?

Those babies would fall asleep
on our bellies.

We'd just stare at their
tiny faces until they woke up.

Those 2:00 a.m. feedings...
Yeah, I know they were hell,

but they brought us closer,

to the kids, to each other.

I know the last year has been
rough on us financially,

emotionally, physically.

I'm two pounds
over my ideal weight.

I mean, I wouldn't change
one thing.

Whatever happens, we're gonna
figure it out, okay?

Thank you.

Marina, here's the test.

Okay.
Well, I'll be right back.

I love you.

I'm really missing it on those.

And then she was like,
"I get it, no one wants

to be alone
on Valentine's Day."

Like that's the only reason
I'm with you.

- She didn't mean it that way.
- Were you eavesdropping?

Of course I was.
Are you new here?

Look, before you get all aggro
and kick her out,

think, why hasn't she left yet?

Never mind, I'll spell it out.

She's lonely.

She's the one who doesn't
wanna be by herself

on Valentine's Day.

I think I might know your
ex-wife better than you do.

Yeah, it's the same thing
our therapist said.

Come on.

That pizza was really greasy.

You better go wash
your hands, yeah?

- Hey, Emily.
- Yes.

- I got a question for you.
- Okay.

How do you not have a date
on Valentine's Day?

Oh. I mean,
that's a little insulting.

Yeah, where are you going
with this, JoJo?

No. No, no, no. I meant,

how do you not have a date
on Valentine's Day?

I mean, look at you.

Oh.

You know, I've been asking
myself the same question.

We're gonna get
to the bottom of this.

Let me see your dating apps.

Oh, no, I don't have those.

Well, we got
to the bottom of it.

- Oh.
- Just trust me. I got you.

Okay.
So I have set up your profile.

- Okay.
- What are your hobbies?

I guess quantitative analysis

and tennis.

I'm gonna go with tennis.

- Okay.
- Now we need a photo.

Okay. Ooh.
How about this one?

Oh, this is you in front
of a chart about steel tariffs?

- Yeah.
- I remember that chart.

- That was a sick chart.
- Thank you.

- Was it?
- Look at the chart.

Yeah. Yeah. No. No.

This looks like a stock photo

that comes up when you search
"business lady."

- Oh.
- We can beat this.

Oh, my God. Is that Jeff Bezos
at the door?

What? Where? I thought
he was in the Seychelles.

No. No. No. He's at Davos.

I just needed a candid shot.

Wait, but I'm not even
looking at the camera.

When you're looking off
camera, you get more swipes.

What is she looking at?
I need to know more.

Oh, my gosh. I have to know
all your secrets.

- I got a lot of them.
- Okay.

Okay. So just zoom in
so they get just...

To crop it.

I'm gonna go get ice cream
with Gretchen.

Yeah. That's...

I'm gonna go get ice cream
with Gretchen.

- Yeah, we heard you.
- Okay.

Yeah.

So this whole time
when you were helping Marina,

I thought that you
were freezing me out.

Why would I freeze you out?

Because I can be a real
buzzkill and all negative

about, you know,
the things you like.

Like astrology and Reiki
and... oh, I was doing it again.

I just did it again.
Did you hear it?

Lulu, I like
all those things.

- Mm-Hmm.
- But I mostly like you.

Happy Valentine's Day.

I think I like
Valentine's Day.

Aww. Sorry.

- How you doing, Tommy?
- It's funny.

I can't believe how calm I am.

I guess whatever happens,
happens.

Maybe we have another baby,
and it's the cutest baby

in the world, you know?

All those little baby toes
and new baby smell.

Maybe a new baby
is exactly what we need.

I'm not pregnant.

Oh, dear God! Thank you!

I love you.

Congratulations, I guess.

I guess I just got
an upset stomach, you know.

I gotta stop eating whatever
the twins throw on the floor.

Come on.

Well, that was
an emotional rollercoaster.

Another baby, whoo-hoo!

So weird.

Can you imagine?

- I mean...
- What?

All this talk about
having a baby

- and how hard it would be...
- Oh, good thing

we didn't have
to go through that, right?

I know.

- Lulu?
- Yeah?

I think I wanna get pregnant.

Thank God!
That would've been a nightmare!

Next Valentine's Day,
we can do whatever you want.

I'm way ahead of you.
Already rented an island.

- Oh!
- This is crazy!

I've already gotten
so many matches.

- Oh, scooch over.
- Oh!

- Thank you.
- Of course!

I'm an in-demand commodity.

- Let me see.
- Look at this guy.

Oh, no way.
He's writing in all caps.

I'm not letting this guy
around my kid.

Okay. Give me my phone back.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- What?

Holy steroids,
look at this guy's face.

What's wrong with it?

Heads don't get
that big naturally.

Are all these guys
Australian DJs?

Give me my phone!