Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 9 - Guess Who Came to Dinner? - full transcript
Hogan makes arrangements for a contact to get to London and then suspects that she is a traitor.
I'll be right with you, sir.
Do you have any
cauliflower today?
Yes, right next to the onions.
Danke.
Thank you very
much, Fräulein Wagner.
Is this cauliflower fresh?
The farmer brought
them in this morning.
Mm-hmm.
Is that the contact
from the underground?
I don't know.
I've been too busy to find out.
I'll check it.
Be careful, Colonel.
She may be a Gestapo
man in disguise.
With those legs, I
hope he's free for dinner.
If she is from the underground,
tell her to stop
squeezing my tomatoes.
Excuse me.
Are you the woman
who lost her schnauzer?
No, I don't have a schnauzer;
I have a Weimaraner.
Weimaraner's are fine dogs.
We have two dachshunds.
Really?
What are their names?
Hans and Fritz.
I'm very happy to meet you.
Hard to believe we're winning
the war with that hokey code.
Is the proprietor also
an underground agent?
Mm-hmm.
Does he have a message for me?
Yes.
What is the message?
Stop squeezing the tomatoes.
I beg your pardon.
I have a message for you.
London wants to know
if you can do another job.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
What's the problem?
The Gestapo...
they're closing in on me.
What makes you so sure?
There's always a man
outside my apartment.
I've received a series of
mysterious phone calls,
and, yesterday, I find a small
microphone in my dresser drawer.
I guess that would make
you a little suspicious.
I don't want to seem dramatic,
but I must get out of Germany
within the next few days.
It won't be easy.
We have a lot of fliers
to get out of the country,
and our rescue
teams are overworked.
In that case, it was
nice knowing you.
Don't give up hope.
I'll do the best I can.
Where can you be reached?
The Hauserhof.
Good.
Your contacts will
be Hans and Fritz.
Thank you.
Hah!
I don't blame you, Fräulein.
Tomatoes are far too expensive.
You say the tomatoes
are too expensive?
What kind of code is that?
What code?
Face it, Max, you're overpriced.
Hi.
Are we glad to see you, Colonel.
Did you contact her?
Yes.
I don't mind telling you,
she's got to be one of
the most beautiful women
in the whole underground.
That figures.
The problem is the
Gestapo's onto her
and we've got to get
her out of the country.
Kinch, call London, huh?
Don't tell me the
radio's out again.
No, it's working fine.
As a matter of fact,
we just finished talking
to jolly old London.
They had a message
about your beautiful friend.
Her last contact was
picked up by the Gestapo.
They think she's a double agent.
Oh, no.
You didn't tell her
about our setup, did you?
No, but I arranged
for her escape.
That's great.
Hans and Fritz are
walking right into a trap.
Why is it you can only
trust short, dumpy spies?
We got to warn Hans and Fritz
before our beautiful traitor
leads them into a trap.
Well, sir, inasmuch as
this bird is dangerous,
why don't we set a trap for her?
What do we got in mind?
Well, the sort of bait you use
for a handsome young woman is
a dashing, exciting young
man with a lot of sex appeal.
Listen, Newkirk,
I'm not going out
on another dangerous mission.
That goes for me, too.
You're balmy... both of you.
Why don't we send Newkirk?
The Gestapo would
never be looking
for a homely man
with no sex appeal.
You're all round the bend.
All right, hold it, hold it.
Let's not worry about the lady.
Our main objective is
to warn Hans and Fritz.
Raus, everybody!
Raus, raus, raus, raus!
Roll call!
Schultz!
Whatever happened to the
old-fashioned custom of knocking?
It could be very, very
dangerous for you, Schultzy.
Dangerous?
Sure, say we'd been
planning a mass escape.
You walk in, see the plans,
run and tell old Klink,
he throws us all in the cooler.
The Gestapo hears about it, they
transfer us to another POW camp.
They close this one down,
and you're expendable.
And like a shot, mate,
you're transferred
to the Russian front.
I promise...
next time I'll knock.
What's all this
about a roll call?
Everybody out for
inspection, five minutes.
And Commandant Klink
wants to see you in his office.
There will be a barracks
inspection within an hour.
A very important
guest is coming.
Adolf Hitler?
You're close.
Jack the Ripper?
Frankenstein?
Otto von Krubner.
The munitions maker?
I was right with Frankenstein.
He's a very close
friend of the Führer.
In fact, he has a castle
next to the Führer's
in Berchtesgaden.
Nice having a munitions
maker for a neighbor.
Yeah, you can
always pop next door
and borrow a cup of dynamite.
If von Krubner's coming,
the first thing we've got to do
is put up a "No smoking" sign.
You heard me, Sergeant.
I want every soldier to
wear a clean uniform.
I want the band to stand by.
And I shall make a
personal inspection tour
with my guest within one hour.
Really rolling
out the red carpet
for your friendly neighborhood
machine gun dealer.
Hogan, Otto von Krubner
is the greatest
industrialist in history.
I don't know... I sort
of lean toward the guy
that invented the
pop-up toaster.
That's why you Americans
are losing the war.
We've got the bullets;
you've got the toasters.
Guess you haven't heard the
latest news from the Russian front.
You heard something?
What did you hear?
Don't panic, Commandant,
but I suggest you
tell von Krubner
to keep his
factories open nights.
I am not going to be taken
in by your rumors, Hogan.
Sit down.
I warn you,
as long as von Krubner
is my guest here,
I will not tolerate any overt
acts of hostility or insolence.
In other words,
no horsing around.
You want von Krubner
to put in a good word
with the Führer for
you, right, Colonel?
That, uh... wouldn't hurt.
I got to hand it to you.
Smart move getting
in with von Krubner.
Might ask him for
a job after the war.
Hogan, may I remind you that
my father and his father before him
served their country
well as military men,
and there is no greater
glory in the career of the...
That's not a bad idea.
There must be many calls for
out-of-work POW commanders.
Perhaps I could be von
Krubner's representative
in the United States.
I've always wanted to
visit your country, Hogan.
Hey, you could go to
Hollywood and be in the remake
of All Quiet on
the Western Front.
Hollywood...
Ooh, I would like
to go to Hollywood.
I hear that the
climate is marvelous.
Just great.
Spend weekends in Palm Springs.
Yes, Palm Springs...
I've heard of that, too.
Isn't that where the,
uh... young Fräuleins
all walk around with
their bathing suits on, huh?
I can see you kept
up your subscription
to Strength Through Joy monthly.
You know, Hogan,
it would not be a bad idea
to sort of drop a
hint at dinner, huh?
You're going to have
dinner with von Krubner?
Oh, yes, I'm going to take
him and his fiancée into town.
You're going to take him
to "Heartburn" Hofbrau?
Pretty hard asking
a man for a job
when they're pumping
out his stomach.
You're right, Hogan.
We'll have dinner here.
Good thinking.
I'll have LeBeau
cook a delicious meal.
LeBeau?
You aren't going to have
your cooks prepare the meal.
What's wrong with my cooks?
Face it, Colonel,
at your sick call, there's
standing room only.
We'll have LeBeau go into
town, do some shopping,
and it's, "Palm
Springs, here I come."
I can't let LeBeau
go into Hammelburg.
Put him under heavy guard.
Send Schultz with him.
You haven't got a
heavier guard than that.
Why should LeBeau
go shopping in town?
Why can't he use the
food from our mess hall?
Come here.
They're preparing lunch now.
Does that answer your question?
May I help you?
Say, aren't you the man
who lost his schnauzer?
No, I don't have a schnauzer.
I own a Weimaraner.
Weimaraner's are fine dogs.
I have two French poodles.
Don't you mean dachshunds?
I hate Boche dogs.
Stick to the code.
Is the fat one in
the underground?
No, he's a guard at the camp.
That will be five pfennige.
For an apple?
That is the price.
But I'm a guard at the camp.
That does not entitle
you to free apples.
You would make a war
hero pay for a piece of fruit?
I would make Hermann
Göring pay for a piece of fruit.
Who told you he was a war hero?
LeBEAU: Leave him alone, Max.
How come you know
his name is Max?
I never met a man who ran a
fruit store who wasn't named Max.
What is your name?
Max.
See that?
Amazing.
Put the apple on my bill.
Do you have any mushrooms today?
Yeah, right over here.
You must get word
to Hans and Fritz
that they should not
rendezvous with the girl.
Why not?
London suspects
she's a double agent.
I can't believe it.
Believe it.
I could kill myself.
Don't take it so hard, Max.
She fooled everyone.
Yeah, but me she owes
for two pounds of tomatoes.
You sent for me, Colonel?
Ah, yes, Colonel Hogan.
Come in, come in, come in.
Herr von Krubner,
may I present the ranking
POW officer, Colonel Hogan.
I'm delighted to
meet you, Colonel.
I've heard a lot about you.
I would like you
to meet my fiancée,
Fräulein Heidi Eberhardt.
Darling, this is Colonel Hogan.
It's a great pleasure, Colonel.
Very happy to meet
you, Miss Eberhardt.
Thank you.
Why don't we
invite Colonel Hogan
to join us for
dinner this evening?
It will be very interesting
hearing all about America.
Splendid idea, my darling.
Yes, Hogan, why don't
you do us the honor?
My pleasure.
You know, I have been thinking
that after the war
I would open up a factory
in the United States.
I understand that Palm
Springs is simply beautiful.
That's right...
I took pre-flight
training there.
You must tell us
all about it at dinner.
Herr von Krubner,
would you like to take
the tour of the camp now?
Yes, of course.
You know, I was
thinking that after the war
I might just retire
from the military.
Oh, that's very
interesting, Klink.
Of course, I would be
very grateful to the military
for the splendid training
in discipline and efficiency.
Of course.
But just offhand,
I was thinking that
a Luftwaffe Colonel
such as myself...
might possibly
be highly qualified
for, oh, let's say
a vice presidency
in some international
cartel, huh?
With headquarters
in Palm Springs.
Herr von Krubner,
I must tell you
I'm absolutely fascinated
by the United States.
That'll be all, Hogan.
Now, Herr von Krubner,
over here we
have what I would...
Oh, how clumsy of me.
Oh, allow me.
Oh, thank you, Hogan.
As I was saying,
over here we have
our delousing station.
Now, if you turn
to your right...
Is everything arranged
with Hans and Fritz?
No.
But I'm desperate!
Look, lady, you're barking
up the wrong schnauzer.
What do you mean?
Why don't you ask
your last contact...
If he's still alive.
But he was careless
and I couldn't get
to him to warn him
because of the Gestapo.
In our racket, you're
known as a bad risk.
Coming, my dear?
Yes, my darling.
You may not trust
me, but I trust you.
Thank you very much, Colonel.
Von Krubner has
just started production
in a secret factory
in Rindlesgard.
Do you think London
could be wrong, sir?
I don't know... She
seemed awfully convincing.
I saw her when she
got out of the car.
She didn't look like
a double agent to me.
How could you tell, Carter?
Oh...
Well...
They usually have heavy eyelids
and they carry those
long cigarette holders
and they wear very
tight-fitting clothes
and they slink a lot.
And they call
themselves "Mata Hari."
Carter.
You're one world war behind.
Colonel?
I'd like you to taste this.
It's a sauce arlésienne
with just a dash of tarragon.
Well?
Mmm...
Von Krubner doesn't
deserve such happiness.
Thank you.
Hey, what about a taste, then?
Now what would
an Englishman know
about gourmet cooking?
Hold on, we got
some very nice dishes.
Sure, Yorkshire
pudding... A sick pizza.
LeBeau? Yes, sir?
Carter will help you
wait on the table.
Do you know
anything about serving?
Sure.
I was once on KP for two weeks.
It's very simple:
keep the wine glasses filled.
And remember, when
you pass the food,
serve from the left and
remove from the right.
Don't worry, I can handle it.
And make sure the table
is set with relish plates,
salt and pepper
and bread and butter.
What about the ketchup?
You sure know how to hurt a guy.
Careful.
Ah.
Get through to London?
Yes, sir.
What'd they say?
Well, they checked
out that information
that girl gave you on
the munitions plant.
She's a phony, right?
No... reconnaissance
photos prove
there is a new
factory at Rindlesgard.
What do you know!
She's not a Mata Hari after all.
Sort of restores your faith
in beautiful women, doesn't it?
There's a bombing mission
on the way to the
new plant right now.
Yeah, and when they hit it,
the Gestapo's going to know
who gave out the information.
Hey, we'd better
get that pretty lady
out of there in a hurry.
Yeah, but how?
Well, just off the
top of me head, sir,
I could tunnel out with her.
You see, we'd meet
the underground contacts
in the woods,
make our way via the
escape route to the coast.
I put her onboard a submarine,
and just for safekeeping, I'd
accompany her to England.
And settle down
in a cottage for two.
Well, it was just
a thought, sir.
We better come up with
another plan, Colonel.
Yeah, and fast...
Or she's going to be having
dessert with the Gestapo.
Colonel, I've been
meaning to tell you
that your dishes
are magnificent.
This service is antique Meissen.
Did you know that
every plate here
is over a hundred years old?
Oh, no! Oh, yes.
That's nothing.
The plates we eat off
of are really antique...
Over 200 years
old and made of tin.
Klink, this is a fantastic meal!
Thank you, sir,
thank you, thank you.
Who's your chef?
Louis LeBeau.
Louis LeBeau.
Doesn't sound like a German.
Doesn't cook like one either.
Happens to be French.
More champagne, Colonel?
No thanks, I'm driving.
The escape car.
Hogan...
Has he told you why he's here?
Not yet, he says
he doesn't like to talk
with his mouth full.
Well, that was a half hour ago.
And his mouth has
been full ever since.
I'm the official food taster.
Who assigned you?
I volunteered.
A food taster is only
supposed to taste.
I like to be thorough.
LeBeau?
You called, Herr Kommandant?
Yes, Herr von Krubner would like
a word with you.
Yes... I want to compliment you
on an extraordinary meal.
Thank you, sir.
And this gâteau au chocolat
Ste. Hélène is superb.
You are too kind.
I haven't had French
cooking like this
since I was in Paris last week.
You were in Paris last week?
Yes... you wouldn't
recognize it.
Since the occupation,
we have made it
a truly efficient city.
I'm sure you have.
But the food is still excellent,
just like your cooking.
Thank you very much.
You know, Herr von Krubner,
the French have
always been great cooks
but terrible fighters.
What was that?
Sorry, Herr Kommandant,
it slipped out of my hands.
That platter was invaluable.
The rarest of Meissen.
That's why I insist we
always eat off rare tin.
I would now like to propose
a toast to the Führer.
Oh, ja, ja.
Ja, Herr von Krubner, ja.
I pass.
Der Führer.
Der Führer.
And a speedy end to the war.
That's in bad taste, sir, in
front of your munitions maker.
No, no, no, no, Colonel.
The quicker the war is over,
the quicker I can
establish factories
in our new colony...
The United States.
That's an ambitious plan.
Naturally, I will need
native personnel,
and I am interested in
having you work for me.
Hogan, then you can
show me Palm Springs.
I mean, if you should
offer me a job,
and if you should establish
your factory in that place.
As a matter of fact, Klink,
I was thinking that I could
use a man of your talent
after the war.
Oh, Herr von Krubner,
I should be most honored to
be part of your organization.
The birds are flying.
Hmm?
The planes are on their way.
Oh... thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I shall have factories
all over the world
when the war is over.
Herr von Krubner, I think
some of your factories
should be moved to
a new location now.
No, no, no, no, no.
I have no worries in
this department, Colonel.
All of my factories
are ingeniously hidden
by camouflage.
Especially the
one at Rindlesgard.
There is no factory
at Rindlesgard.
Oh.
Then the rumor of the
bombing must be a phony.
You heard a rumor...
that a factory in
Rindlesgard was bombed?
Yeah, but you can't
believe anything these days.
We even heard a rumor
the Russians wanted Stalingrad.
Get me Rindlesgard 2-7-9-5.
Hogan, it was a mistake
to invite you to dinner.
I must agree with you, Colonel,
I should never
have suggested it.
This is von Krubner.
I want the factory
manager immediately.
Begelman... von Krubner.
I heard there was a
bombing at the plant.
Aha.
Aha, good.
I knew it was a rumor.
What's that?
Speak up, Begelman, I can't
hear you over the bombing!
Bombing?
Hello?
Hello?!
Ah!
Sometimes a rumor is
a little ahead of its time.
You waited until we
started production
before bombing the plant.
There was only one person
who could have given
out this information.
Oh, you're wrong, Otto.
Get me the Gestapo.
We have a way of
dealing with traitors...
Even beautiful ones.
Ja, ja, Gestapo Headquarters,
Captain Schnutzle speaking.
Otto von Krubner here.
Oh, the world-famous
munitions maker
who used to have a
factory at Rindlesgard?
Ja, ja, ja.
I have just captured a
traitor to the Third Reich
and I am holding her
prisoner at Stalag 13
in the quarters
of Colonel Klink.
Colonel Fink?
Not Fink... Klink!
Ah, we have a car in
that vicinity, mein Herr.
I shall radio them to pick
up this traitor immediately.
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler.
Otto, how can you do this to me?
You're making a
terrible mistake.
I did make a mistake.
The Gestapo told
me you were suspect,
but I did not believe them.
But you have no proof
that I gave this information.
I'm sure the
Gestapo will find out.
Colonel Fink?
Uh, not Fink... Klink.
Is this the prisoner?
Yes, she is the prisoner.
You will come with me.
I'm glad it's over.
The Gestapo will deal with her
in our usual way.
Heil Hitler!
Does that break up the party?
Klink, my coat.
Yes, sir.
I must tell you,
Herr von Krubner,
it was most cunning
the way you
uncovered that woman.
If I may say so,
it was absolutely
brilliant, sir... really.
Yes, but my plant is in ruins.
Yeah, look at it this way.
You may have lost a factory
but you gained a vacant lot.
Ah, Herr von Krubner,
I cannot tell you what
an honor it has been
to have you as our guest.
Thank you, Klink.
I shall just get your driver.
Oh, Colonel?
Mm-hmm?
There are still some
things we have to clear up
about that factory
at Rindlesgard.
The rubble for one thing.
And how Heidi passed
the information to London
for another.
Oh, she probably
dropped a postcard
to Winston Churchill.
I hope you are this amusing
when you are questioned
by the Gestapo.
I hope so, too... those
fellows are a lot of laughs.
Herr von Krubner?
Ja?
You enjoyed the desert so much,
here is some to
take home with you.
Ah, this is most
thoughtful of you, LeBeau.
Bon appétit.
Ah, Herr von Krubner.
Here's your driver.
Please step this way, sir.
I hope to see you again soon.
It's been a great
pleasure having you here.
Thank you, Klink.
Good-bye, Herr von Krubner!
There goes a
wonderful human being.
Charming fellow.
The car...
It disintegrated.
Uh-huh.
I'll bet you that girl
planted a bomb in the car.
I can't believe it.
Von Krubner is dead.
Oh, I didn't realize
you were that fond of him, sir.
Fond of him?
There goes my
trip to Palm Springs.
Do you have any
cauliflower today?
Yes, right next to the onions.
Danke.
Thank you very
much, Fräulein Wagner.
Is this cauliflower fresh?
The farmer brought
them in this morning.
Mm-hmm.
Is that the contact
from the underground?
I don't know.
I've been too busy to find out.
I'll check it.
Be careful, Colonel.
She may be a Gestapo
man in disguise.
With those legs, I
hope he's free for dinner.
If she is from the underground,
tell her to stop
squeezing my tomatoes.
Excuse me.
Are you the woman
who lost her schnauzer?
No, I don't have a schnauzer;
I have a Weimaraner.
Weimaraner's are fine dogs.
We have two dachshunds.
Really?
What are their names?
Hans and Fritz.
I'm very happy to meet you.
Hard to believe we're winning
the war with that hokey code.
Is the proprietor also
an underground agent?
Mm-hmm.
Does he have a message for me?
Yes.
What is the message?
Stop squeezing the tomatoes.
I beg your pardon.
I have a message for you.
London wants to know
if you can do another job.
I'm afraid that's impossible.
What's the problem?
The Gestapo...
they're closing in on me.
What makes you so sure?
There's always a man
outside my apartment.
I've received a series of
mysterious phone calls,
and, yesterday, I find a small
microphone in my dresser drawer.
I guess that would make
you a little suspicious.
I don't want to seem dramatic,
but I must get out of Germany
within the next few days.
It won't be easy.
We have a lot of fliers
to get out of the country,
and our rescue
teams are overworked.
In that case, it was
nice knowing you.
Don't give up hope.
I'll do the best I can.
Where can you be reached?
The Hauserhof.
Good.
Your contacts will
be Hans and Fritz.
Thank you.
Hah!
I don't blame you, Fräulein.
Tomatoes are far too expensive.
You say the tomatoes
are too expensive?
What kind of code is that?
What code?
Face it, Max, you're overpriced.
Hi.
Are we glad to see you, Colonel.
Did you contact her?
Yes.
I don't mind telling you,
she's got to be one of
the most beautiful women
in the whole underground.
That figures.
The problem is the
Gestapo's onto her
and we've got to get
her out of the country.
Kinch, call London, huh?
Don't tell me the
radio's out again.
No, it's working fine.
As a matter of fact,
we just finished talking
to jolly old London.
They had a message
about your beautiful friend.
Her last contact was
picked up by the Gestapo.
They think she's a double agent.
Oh, no.
You didn't tell her
about our setup, did you?
No, but I arranged
for her escape.
That's great.
Hans and Fritz are
walking right into a trap.
Why is it you can only
trust short, dumpy spies?
We got to warn Hans and Fritz
before our beautiful traitor
leads them into a trap.
Well, sir, inasmuch as
this bird is dangerous,
why don't we set a trap for her?
What do we got in mind?
Well, the sort of bait you use
for a handsome young woman is
a dashing, exciting young
man with a lot of sex appeal.
Listen, Newkirk,
I'm not going out
on another dangerous mission.
That goes for me, too.
You're balmy... both of you.
Why don't we send Newkirk?
The Gestapo would
never be looking
for a homely man
with no sex appeal.
You're all round the bend.
All right, hold it, hold it.
Let's not worry about the lady.
Our main objective is
to warn Hans and Fritz.
Raus, everybody!
Raus, raus, raus, raus!
Roll call!
Schultz!
Whatever happened to the
old-fashioned custom of knocking?
It could be very, very
dangerous for you, Schultzy.
Dangerous?
Sure, say we'd been
planning a mass escape.
You walk in, see the plans,
run and tell old Klink,
he throws us all in the cooler.
The Gestapo hears about it, they
transfer us to another POW camp.
They close this one down,
and you're expendable.
And like a shot, mate,
you're transferred
to the Russian front.
I promise...
next time I'll knock.
What's all this
about a roll call?
Everybody out for
inspection, five minutes.
And Commandant Klink
wants to see you in his office.
There will be a barracks
inspection within an hour.
A very important
guest is coming.
Adolf Hitler?
You're close.
Jack the Ripper?
Frankenstein?
Otto von Krubner.
The munitions maker?
I was right with Frankenstein.
He's a very close
friend of the Führer.
In fact, he has a castle
next to the Führer's
in Berchtesgaden.
Nice having a munitions
maker for a neighbor.
Yeah, you can
always pop next door
and borrow a cup of dynamite.
If von Krubner's coming,
the first thing we've got to do
is put up a "No smoking" sign.
You heard me, Sergeant.
I want every soldier to
wear a clean uniform.
I want the band to stand by.
And I shall make a
personal inspection tour
with my guest within one hour.
Really rolling
out the red carpet
for your friendly neighborhood
machine gun dealer.
Hogan, Otto von Krubner
is the greatest
industrialist in history.
I don't know... I sort
of lean toward the guy
that invented the
pop-up toaster.
That's why you Americans
are losing the war.
We've got the bullets;
you've got the toasters.
Guess you haven't heard the
latest news from the Russian front.
You heard something?
What did you hear?
Don't panic, Commandant,
but I suggest you
tell von Krubner
to keep his
factories open nights.
I am not going to be taken
in by your rumors, Hogan.
Sit down.
I warn you,
as long as von Krubner
is my guest here,
I will not tolerate any overt
acts of hostility or insolence.
In other words,
no horsing around.
You want von Krubner
to put in a good word
with the Führer for
you, right, Colonel?
That, uh... wouldn't hurt.
I got to hand it to you.
Smart move getting
in with von Krubner.
Might ask him for
a job after the war.
Hogan, may I remind you that
my father and his father before him
served their country
well as military men,
and there is no greater
glory in the career of the...
That's not a bad idea.
There must be many calls for
out-of-work POW commanders.
Perhaps I could be von
Krubner's representative
in the United States.
I've always wanted to
visit your country, Hogan.
Hey, you could go to
Hollywood and be in the remake
of All Quiet on
the Western Front.
Hollywood...
Ooh, I would like
to go to Hollywood.
I hear that the
climate is marvelous.
Just great.
Spend weekends in Palm Springs.
Yes, Palm Springs...
I've heard of that, too.
Isn't that where the,
uh... young Fräuleins
all walk around with
their bathing suits on, huh?
I can see you kept
up your subscription
to Strength Through Joy monthly.
You know, Hogan,
it would not be a bad idea
to sort of drop a
hint at dinner, huh?
You're going to have
dinner with von Krubner?
Oh, yes, I'm going to take
him and his fiancée into town.
You're going to take him
to "Heartburn" Hofbrau?
Pretty hard asking
a man for a job
when they're pumping
out his stomach.
You're right, Hogan.
We'll have dinner here.
Good thinking.
I'll have LeBeau
cook a delicious meal.
LeBeau?
You aren't going to have
your cooks prepare the meal.
What's wrong with my cooks?
Face it, Colonel,
at your sick call, there's
standing room only.
We'll have LeBeau go into
town, do some shopping,
and it's, "Palm
Springs, here I come."
I can't let LeBeau
go into Hammelburg.
Put him under heavy guard.
Send Schultz with him.
You haven't got a
heavier guard than that.
Why should LeBeau
go shopping in town?
Why can't he use the
food from our mess hall?
Come here.
They're preparing lunch now.
Does that answer your question?
May I help you?
Say, aren't you the man
who lost his schnauzer?
No, I don't have a schnauzer.
I own a Weimaraner.
Weimaraner's are fine dogs.
I have two French poodles.
Don't you mean dachshunds?
I hate Boche dogs.
Stick to the code.
Is the fat one in
the underground?
No, he's a guard at the camp.
That will be five pfennige.
For an apple?
That is the price.
But I'm a guard at the camp.
That does not entitle
you to free apples.
You would make a war
hero pay for a piece of fruit?
I would make Hermann
Göring pay for a piece of fruit.
Who told you he was a war hero?
LeBEAU: Leave him alone, Max.
How come you know
his name is Max?
I never met a man who ran a
fruit store who wasn't named Max.
What is your name?
Max.
See that?
Amazing.
Put the apple on my bill.
Do you have any mushrooms today?
Yeah, right over here.
You must get word
to Hans and Fritz
that they should not
rendezvous with the girl.
Why not?
London suspects
she's a double agent.
I can't believe it.
Believe it.
I could kill myself.
Don't take it so hard, Max.
She fooled everyone.
Yeah, but me she owes
for two pounds of tomatoes.
You sent for me, Colonel?
Ah, yes, Colonel Hogan.
Come in, come in, come in.
Herr von Krubner,
may I present the ranking
POW officer, Colonel Hogan.
I'm delighted to
meet you, Colonel.
I've heard a lot about you.
I would like you
to meet my fiancée,
Fräulein Heidi Eberhardt.
Darling, this is Colonel Hogan.
It's a great pleasure, Colonel.
Very happy to meet
you, Miss Eberhardt.
Thank you.
Why don't we
invite Colonel Hogan
to join us for
dinner this evening?
It will be very interesting
hearing all about America.
Splendid idea, my darling.
Yes, Hogan, why don't
you do us the honor?
My pleasure.
You know, I have been thinking
that after the war
I would open up a factory
in the United States.
I understand that Palm
Springs is simply beautiful.
That's right...
I took pre-flight
training there.
You must tell us
all about it at dinner.
Herr von Krubner,
would you like to take
the tour of the camp now?
Yes, of course.
You know, I was
thinking that after the war
I might just retire
from the military.
Oh, that's very
interesting, Klink.
Of course, I would be
very grateful to the military
for the splendid training
in discipline and efficiency.
Of course.
But just offhand,
I was thinking that
a Luftwaffe Colonel
such as myself...
might possibly
be highly qualified
for, oh, let's say
a vice presidency
in some international
cartel, huh?
With headquarters
in Palm Springs.
Herr von Krubner,
I must tell you
I'm absolutely fascinated
by the United States.
That'll be all, Hogan.
Now, Herr von Krubner,
over here we
have what I would...
Oh, how clumsy of me.
Oh, allow me.
Oh, thank you, Hogan.
As I was saying,
over here we have
our delousing station.
Now, if you turn
to your right...
Is everything arranged
with Hans and Fritz?
No.
But I'm desperate!
Look, lady, you're barking
up the wrong schnauzer.
What do you mean?
Why don't you ask
your last contact...
If he's still alive.
But he was careless
and I couldn't get
to him to warn him
because of the Gestapo.
In our racket, you're
known as a bad risk.
Coming, my dear?
Yes, my darling.
You may not trust
me, but I trust you.
Thank you very much, Colonel.
Von Krubner has
just started production
in a secret factory
in Rindlesgard.
Do you think London
could be wrong, sir?
I don't know... She
seemed awfully convincing.
I saw her when she
got out of the car.
She didn't look like
a double agent to me.
How could you tell, Carter?
Oh...
Well...
They usually have heavy eyelids
and they carry those
long cigarette holders
and they wear very
tight-fitting clothes
and they slink a lot.
And they call
themselves "Mata Hari."
Carter.
You're one world war behind.
Colonel?
I'd like you to taste this.
It's a sauce arlésienne
with just a dash of tarragon.
Well?
Mmm...
Von Krubner doesn't
deserve such happiness.
Thank you.
Hey, what about a taste, then?
Now what would
an Englishman know
about gourmet cooking?
Hold on, we got
some very nice dishes.
Sure, Yorkshire
pudding... A sick pizza.
LeBeau? Yes, sir?
Carter will help you
wait on the table.
Do you know
anything about serving?
Sure.
I was once on KP for two weeks.
It's very simple:
keep the wine glasses filled.
And remember, when
you pass the food,
serve from the left and
remove from the right.
Don't worry, I can handle it.
And make sure the table
is set with relish plates,
salt and pepper
and bread and butter.
What about the ketchup?
You sure know how to hurt a guy.
Careful.
Ah.
Get through to London?
Yes, sir.
What'd they say?
Well, they checked
out that information
that girl gave you on
the munitions plant.
She's a phony, right?
No... reconnaissance
photos prove
there is a new
factory at Rindlesgard.
What do you know!
She's not a Mata Hari after all.
Sort of restores your faith
in beautiful women, doesn't it?
There's a bombing mission
on the way to the
new plant right now.
Yeah, and when they hit it,
the Gestapo's going to know
who gave out the information.
Hey, we'd better
get that pretty lady
out of there in a hurry.
Yeah, but how?
Well, just off the
top of me head, sir,
I could tunnel out with her.
You see, we'd meet
the underground contacts
in the woods,
make our way via the
escape route to the coast.
I put her onboard a submarine,
and just for safekeeping, I'd
accompany her to England.
And settle down
in a cottage for two.
Well, it was just
a thought, sir.
We better come up with
another plan, Colonel.
Yeah, and fast...
Or she's going to be having
dessert with the Gestapo.
Colonel, I've been
meaning to tell you
that your dishes
are magnificent.
This service is antique Meissen.
Did you know that
every plate here
is over a hundred years old?
Oh, no! Oh, yes.
That's nothing.
The plates we eat off
of are really antique...
Over 200 years
old and made of tin.
Klink, this is a fantastic meal!
Thank you, sir,
thank you, thank you.
Who's your chef?
Louis LeBeau.
Louis LeBeau.
Doesn't sound like a German.
Doesn't cook like one either.
Happens to be French.
More champagne, Colonel?
No thanks, I'm driving.
The escape car.
Hogan...
Has he told you why he's here?
Not yet, he says
he doesn't like to talk
with his mouth full.
Well, that was a half hour ago.
And his mouth has
been full ever since.
I'm the official food taster.
Who assigned you?
I volunteered.
A food taster is only
supposed to taste.
I like to be thorough.
LeBeau?
You called, Herr Kommandant?
Yes, Herr von Krubner would like
a word with you.
Yes... I want to compliment you
on an extraordinary meal.
Thank you, sir.
And this gâteau au chocolat
Ste. Hélène is superb.
You are too kind.
I haven't had French
cooking like this
since I was in Paris last week.
You were in Paris last week?
Yes... you wouldn't
recognize it.
Since the occupation,
we have made it
a truly efficient city.
I'm sure you have.
But the food is still excellent,
just like your cooking.
Thank you very much.
You know, Herr von Krubner,
the French have
always been great cooks
but terrible fighters.
What was that?
Sorry, Herr Kommandant,
it slipped out of my hands.
That platter was invaluable.
The rarest of Meissen.
That's why I insist we
always eat off rare tin.
I would now like to propose
a toast to the Führer.
Oh, ja, ja.
Ja, Herr von Krubner, ja.
I pass.
Der Führer.
Der Führer.
And a speedy end to the war.
That's in bad taste, sir, in
front of your munitions maker.
No, no, no, no, Colonel.
The quicker the war is over,
the quicker I can
establish factories
in our new colony...
The United States.
That's an ambitious plan.
Naturally, I will need
native personnel,
and I am interested in
having you work for me.
Hogan, then you can
show me Palm Springs.
I mean, if you should
offer me a job,
and if you should establish
your factory in that place.
As a matter of fact, Klink,
I was thinking that I could
use a man of your talent
after the war.
Oh, Herr von Krubner,
I should be most honored to
be part of your organization.
The birds are flying.
Hmm?
The planes are on their way.
Oh... thank you.
Thank you.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
I shall have factories
all over the world
when the war is over.
Herr von Krubner, I think
some of your factories
should be moved to
a new location now.
No, no, no, no, no.
I have no worries in
this department, Colonel.
All of my factories
are ingeniously hidden
by camouflage.
Especially the
one at Rindlesgard.
There is no factory
at Rindlesgard.
Oh.
Then the rumor of the
bombing must be a phony.
You heard a rumor...
that a factory in
Rindlesgard was bombed?
Yeah, but you can't
believe anything these days.
We even heard a rumor
the Russians wanted Stalingrad.
Get me Rindlesgard 2-7-9-5.
Hogan, it was a mistake
to invite you to dinner.
I must agree with you, Colonel,
I should never
have suggested it.
This is von Krubner.
I want the factory
manager immediately.
Begelman... von Krubner.
I heard there was a
bombing at the plant.
Aha.
Aha, good.
I knew it was a rumor.
What's that?
Speak up, Begelman, I can't
hear you over the bombing!
Bombing?
Hello?
Hello?!
Ah!
Sometimes a rumor is
a little ahead of its time.
You waited until we
started production
before bombing the plant.
There was only one person
who could have given
out this information.
Oh, you're wrong, Otto.
Get me the Gestapo.
We have a way of
dealing with traitors...
Even beautiful ones.
Ja, ja, Gestapo Headquarters,
Captain Schnutzle speaking.
Otto von Krubner here.
Oh, the world-famous
munitions maker
who used to have a
factory at Rindlesgard?
Ja, ja, ja.
I have just captured a
traitor to the Third Reich
and I am holding her
prisoner at Stalag 13
in the quarters
of Colonel Klink.
Colonel Fink?
Not Fink... Klink!
Ah, we have a car in
that vicinity, mein Herr.
I shall radio them to pick
up this traitor immediately.
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler.
Otto, how can you do this to me?
You're making a
terrible mistake.
I did make a mistake.
The Gestapo told
me you were suspect,
but I did not believe them.
But you have no proof
that I gave this information.
I'm sure the
Gestapo will find out.
Colonel Fink?
Uh, not Fink... Klink.
Is this the prisoner?
Yes, she is the prisoner.
You will come with me.
I'm glad it's over.
The Gestapo will deal with her
in our usual way.
Heil Hitler!
Does that break up the party?
Klink, my coat.
Yes, sir.
I must tell you,
Herr von Krubner,
it was most cunning
the way you
uncovered that woman.
If I may say so,
it was absolutely
brilliant, sir... really.
Yes, but my plant is in ruins.
Yeah, look at it this way.
You may have lost a factory
but you gained a vacant lot.
Ah, Herr von Krubner,
I cannot tell you what
an honor it has been
to have you as our guest.
Thank you, Klink.
I shall just get your driver.
Oh, Colonel?
Mm-hmm?
There are still some
things we have to clear up
about that factory
at Rindlesgard.
The rubble for one thing.
And how Heidi passed
the information to London
for another.
Oh, she probably
dropped a postcard
to Winston Churchill.
I hope you are this amusing
when you are questioned
by the Gestapo.
I hope so, too... those
fellows are a lot of laughs.
Herr von Krubner?
Ja?
You enjoyed the desert so much,
here is some to
take home with you.
Ah, this is most
thoughtful of you, LeBeau.
Bon appétit.
Ah, Herr von Krubner.
Here's your driver.
Please step this way, sir.
I hope to see you again soon.
It's been a great
pleasure having you here.
Thank you, Klink.
Good-bye, Herr von Krubner!
There goes a
wonderful human being.
Charming fellow.
The car...
It disintegrated.
Uh-huh.
I'll bet you that girl
planted a bomb in the car.
I can't believe it.
Von Krubner is dead.
Oh, I didn't realize
you were that fond of him, sir.
Fond of him?
There goes my
trip to Palm Springs.