Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 10 - No Names Please - full transcript

Right. Okay.

Wait a minute.

Lift him up, there.

Careful.

Gorblimy! He weighs a ton.

Oh, my ankle!

Watch it, will you?

All right, easy.

Is it broken?

In about three places.

No, he can move
it all right, sir.



Yeah, it's just a sprain.

You're an American.

Yeah. Who are you?

Walter Hobson, correspondent,

Affiliated Newspaper Alliance.

Checks, sir.

Hard way to get a story.

There's a war
going on, you know.

Newkirk, did you hear that?

Yeah, I knew there was something

bloody unusual going on.

You're a Limey.

Who, me, guv'nor?

A Yank and a Limey.
What's this all about?



Quiet. Here comes somebody.

The guys who bailed
out with him didn't make it.

They all caught it.

If we'd stayed in formation,

the Krauts would
never have got us.

Would you like to go back up

and fight the battle again?

Who's the expert?

Walter Hobson, correspondent.

He sure got smart awfully fast.

Can't be more than a
couple hundred yards.

Did they see you?

I don't think so.

Most likely they're just

spraying the woods... in case.

We can get lead poisoning

from that kind of spray.

Can you carry him?

I think so.

All right, Olson,
bury the chute.

Carter, move out
about 50 yards east.

Return their fire,
circle around,

lead them away.

Newkirk, move out west.

Do the same routine, same order,

and fellas, be careful.

Don't shoot each other, huh?

The Krauts are that way. Roger.

Who are you guys?

Ah! Auto Club.

Emergency road service.

Come on, let's go.

Where are you taking me?

One more question from you,

we're going to ask for
your membership card.

Come on.

Olson, check the
emergency tunnel

all the way to the ladder

and make sure we're
in the clear, huh?

Right, Colonel.

Hogan, I'd like to ask you

a couple of questions...
Carter, not too tight.

Give him support, but
don't cut off the circulation.

Yes, sir. You know,

I used to do a lot
of this back home

in the Boy Scouts. I'm glad.

Colonel, like I
said, I'd like...

Newkirk, why don't you go on up

and check the hut and
see if there have been

any phone calls for us.

All right, sir. Will do.

Got anything?

Yeah, from London.

A courier plane's
gonna drop a music box

in our sector tomorrow night.

A music box?

It's a radio.

Oh.

And they want
us to pass it along

to the underground.

Seems the Krauts are
planning a big offensive,

and we don't have
enough information.

All right, have Newkirk

make the catch and bring it in.

Alert the underground.

Will do.

And, uh, Kinch,

signal London Hobson is safe.

He'll be set to travel
in a couple of days.

We'll send him back
to England, usual route.

Right.

All clear up there, sir.

There's no sign of
trouble, sir. Good.

This place is busier
than the Pentagon.

Yeah, we do all right
for a branch office.

There are some
questions I'd like to ask.

Shoot.

There's really a POW camp

right over our heads?

You saw it on the way in.

Guards, barbed wire, the works.

Garden spot of Germany.

Our commandant wears a monocle.

It's all very colorful.

This goes on all the time...

Rescuing flyers,

picking up
underground radio sets?

In our spare time,
a little sabotage.

Personally, I find
that the most fun.

You never get caught?

What a story.

A story you can't write.

Hogan. Right under
the German's feet?

Our only chance for
survival is secrecy.

You could get us all killed.

Okay, okay.

You saved my life.

I'm grateful.

Fine. Let's leave it at that.

But when I get back home,

I could contact your relatives.

If you give me their
names and address...

Hold it. Knock it off!

That's out!

Our people think
we're ordinary POWs.

You give them a call,
let something slip...

and we've had it.

All right.

Is there anything

I can do to show I'm grateful?

There sure is, Hobson.

Go home.

All right, take it easy, Hobson.

You'll be okay.

Now, the driver's on our side.

He'll drop you off at the
right spot in Hammelburg.

He'll move you along the coast.

LeBeau? Yeah.

Come on.

Hey, Schultz. What is it?

Come here a second.

But... listen, I'm busy!

Come on, come on, I
have something to tell you.

Will you please leave me alone?

I'm busy. I have
lots of things to do.

Okay. Take it easy, Hobson.

I'm making apple
strudel tonight.

You want some?

Apple strudel. Mmm.

I love it.

Good.

Now, if I can get from you

the apples, flour,
sugar and raisins,

you can have some.

Relax, Hobson. Stay limp.

And no smoking.

Hurry, Colonel. Hurry.

All right, put them in.

If I get you the apples,
flour, sugar, raisins.

How about cinnamon?!

Danke! Huh. Big deal.

Well, what are you doing there?!

Get out of here!

What are you doing here?!

Ah, we've been just giving
the guy a hand, Schultz.

Guy a hand... Get out of here!

Just giving him a hand.

Out! Out! Immediately out!

Get out of here! Carter!

You heard me! Out!

We're just trying to help,

for Pete's sakes.

Oh, I'm always in
trouble when you help me!

All right, Schultz, if
that's how you feel,

do it yourself.

Come on!

Okay.

What are you waiting?!

Let's go!

London says we'll
have to keep it here

a while longer, till they
reorganize their network.

Oh, great.

You realize we've had that radio

better than a month?

If anyone's caught with
it, it's the firing squad.

Well, it's as safe
here as anyplace.

Incidentally, where is it?

Carter's sitting on it.

Why don't you tell a guy?

Gestapo checking in!

Old lovable Hochstetter...

in his basic black.

Makes my day.

What does he want?

If it's the radio,
he can't have it.

This was published in
an American newspaper

a few weeks ago.

And sent to the Gestapo

by a German agent
in the United States.

Do you think there's any harm,

his knowing that we have agents

in America, hmm?

No, I don't think so,

especially since
you've just told him.

That's what I thought.

Don't worry, your
secret's safe with me.

Now, Hogan, I'm
going to read to you.

Oh, good.

"For security reasons,
I cannot tell you

"the exact location.

"The request was
'no names please, '

"but somewhere in
Germany, an American officer

"is operating a
sabotage and rescue unit

"from, of all places, a
German POW camp.

"These men saved my life.

To me, they are among the
unsung heroes of this war."

Walter Hobson.

Who's he?

An American journalist.

This was sent to Spain, then
to Portugal, then forwarded

to Switzerland and finally
sent here to Germany.

Well, Hogan?

Stamps must have cost a fortune.

Are you this officer?!

Oh, a spy operating
in Stalag 13.

That's impossible.

Let's keep this war sensible.

Hogan, any prisoner
who carries on sabotage

or espionage activities
is no longer protected

by the Geneva Convention.

No kidding?

And any prisoner
caught in such activities

can be shot or hanged.

Or both.

Don't get greedy.

Klink...

the Gestapo will
undertake an investigation

of all POW camps at once,

beginning right here.

There is nothing more
to be said to either of you.

Whatever happened
to "auf Wiedersehen"?

Huh! Spies in my
stalag. Ridiculous.

Silly.

Impossible.

Out of the question.

I will not waste
any more time on it.

It's out of my mind...

Hogan, could there be
any truth in that story?

Aw, come on, Colonel,
just because there's a war on

and we're enemies...

Would I lie to you?

Yes. True.

Hogan, are you a spy?

Me? I don't know anything

about the underground
or sabotage.

What's there to know?

You plant a bomb
and a bridge blows up.

A child could do that.

You must know some nice kids.

All right, let the
Gestapo investigate.

They'll soon find out that...

Wait a minute.

You just admitted that
you would lie to me.

Well, doesn't that
prove something?

Prove what?

That you can depend on me.

Achtung!

Herr Kommandant, the new men.

Private Berger. Private Holst.

Mmm-hmm. Very good.

Now...

let's see what we have here.

Gentlemen, welcome
to the most secure

prisoner-of-war
camp in all Germany.

Notice anything
special about those two?

Nah. Just run-of-
the-mill Krauts.

When you've seen one
Boche, you've seen them all.

The older guy is
a typical 4-F type,

but now look at the other one.

What's a young
Kraut doing so far

from the action?

He's too healthy
for this kind of duty.

Now, I want you men to know

that you have been posted

to the most secure POW
camp in all of Germany.

Now, here at Stalag 13, we...

Schultz, aren't you listening?

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Oh, it is so interesting.

Let's check on him.

Newkirk, try their
footlockers, huh?

Will do, sir.

Go talk to Schultz.

Colonel, what do you expect

to find out about them?

Nothing, I hope.

The older guy's papers are okay,

but this Berger is
something else again.

Look at this.

The dates stamped
in his pay book are old,

but the ink is new.

Why?

They're phony.

Don't bet against it.

They're on their best behavior,

especially the
young one, Berger.

Trying to make points
with Sergeant Schultz, huh?

He even volunteered
for night duty.

That's nice.

The next time I see him in town,

I will buy him a beer.

The next time you
see him in town?

He introduced
himself at the Hofbrau

on the night before he was
transferred to our stalag.

Why are you so interested?

I forgot to tell you...

This is Know Your Kraut Week.

Know Your Kraut Week?

I, uh...

would've called from the lobby,

but the house phones were busy.

Then he meets Schultz in town,

buys him a beer
and asks questions.

What did you tell him, hmm?

Nothing! I said nothing!

Blabbermouth!

He then volunteers
for night duty.

That'll give him a
chance to look around.

Today we caught him
searching my room.

That is the duty of every guard.

Jawohl. I have done it myself.

Really? When?

Well, I-I...

Uh, Commandant, it adds up.

Berger is Hochstetter's man.

Mm-hmm.

Now, let us suppose...

that he really works
for the Gestapo.

Now, I have nothing to hide,

you have nothing
to hide, and, uh...

Schultz, he can't hide.

Look, Hochstetter
needs a fall guy.

Unless you give him
something for all his trouble,

he'll never get off your back.

Mm-hmm, give him
something... Very interesting.

A long time ago,
before we realized

it was useless to try
to escape from you,

we started working on a
tunnel in Barracks Four.

What?

Did you know about this?

Of course, Herr Kommandant.

Uh, uh, what barracks?

Barracks Four. Oh.

Um, suppose we started
work on that tunnel again,

and when you're ready,
you inform Hochstetter?

Aha!

A frame-up for the Gestapo.

He's always one jump
ahead of everybody.

Amazing! Mm-hmm.

Do you realize I would have
to send you all to the cooler?

We serve a couple of days;

Berger's transferred
to another camp;

you release us.

Excellent!

This will prove once and for all

to the Gestapo that I
know exactly what I'm doing,

that I'm completely
in command here.

Question, Herr Kommandant.

What?

Will they believe it?

Commandant, you're late.

Hogan!

You know, I never realized how
many eyes are always on me.

I actually had to sneak in here.

That's the price
of popularity, sir.

Where's the tunnel? Find it.

Don't think I can't.

I've been here just
as long as you have.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you're cold,
Commandant. Cold!

Getting warmer. Hogan!

I don't need your help.

Aha!

I see some tracks.

They give away
your tunnel. Mm-hmm.

This wardrobe, it
moves out, hah?

Now I understand why
you never tried an escape.

The chickens have very
little chance against the fox.

Would you like to try for the
best two out of three, Colonel Fox?

What?

We put the tracks there
and put the sawdust there,

so that you Krauts... I
mean, you foxes would find it.

But here, ladies and gentlemen,

is the real tunnel.

Amazing.

Hogan, I must confess, your ingenuity
leaves me absolutely speechless.

Commandant, you're
better off that way.

Klink and Hochstetter
catch us in Barracks Four,

while Carter and
Kinch take the radio out

through the emergency tunnel

and rendezvous
with the underground.

What do you think? Suicide.

We'd never have a
chance. Impossible, Colonel.

I'm glad you like it.

It's a big risk, Colonel,

with Hochstetter and
his goons nosing around.

The orders are to
move that radio along.

I came up with a
plan... You don't like it,

anybody else got a
better one, I'm listening.

I say we stay quiet as mice
and let them get careless.

I think that's a good idea.

It's a good plan.

It could be five or
six weeks, or more.

The underground
needs the radio now.

All you've come
up with is a delay.

What kind of a plan is that?

It's a stay-alive plan, Colonel.

Rejected.

We go through with it.

Now, Berger, I
want you in on this.

Learn how these things are done.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant. Danke.

Oh, you are lucky the commandant
takes such an interest in you.

I'm lucky, too... He taught
me everything I know.

Every teacher
fails once in a while.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Now, Colonel Hogan and his men

will try a mass escape
Wednesday night.

They've almost completed
the tunnel out of Barracks Four

and under the wire.

May I ask how you found
this out, Herr Colonel?

Ja. I would like
to know that, too.

Superior intelligence,
reasoning power.

No magic, no tricks.

Remarkable. It is?

I mean, yes, it is!

Berger! Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

You will carry on as
though you know nothing.

Schultz can help you with that.

Then, Wednesday night, I
want you to accompany me

when we raid Barracks Four

and arrest the prisoners.

That's all for now.

Dismissed.

I will have the men
ready for the raid

Wednesday night,
Herr Kommandant.

Just a moment, Schultz.

Tuesday night.

Tuesday?

Hogan thinks he can outsmart me.

He'll try to use the
tunnel a day earlier

and really escape,

but I shall be waiting for him,

and I won't have to share
credit with Major Hochstetter.

Am I not clever?

Could I think about
that, Herr Kommandant?

Yes, Schultz.

I want you to give
that a lot of thought...

on your way to
the Eastern Front!

Well, Klink, that is good news.

You see what is
possible when you try?

It's all a question
of ingenuity, Major.

I amaze myself at times.

Oh, Klink, you have
always amazed me.

Thank you, Major.

Now, if you can be
here Wednesday night,

I shall be honored to include
you in the raiding party.

Oh, that is very kind of you.

Ja, I will be there.

Heil Hitler.

Every year that man lives

takes at least a century off
the Thousand-Year Reich.

He wants to arrest Hogan
on Wednesday night,

and he is generous enough
to include the Gestapo.

I will give the necessary
orders, Herr Major.

Ja.

But I will be at Stalag
13 on Tuesday night.

Tuesday?

May I ask the reason for this?

Do I need a better
reason than Klink?

The Iron Colonel?

Tuesday night, Colonel?

What happened to Wednesday?

Yeah, the arrangement

with Klink was for Wednesday.

Right, but we move a day sooner.

Notify the underground

and have somebody
stand by for the radio.

But why a day earlier?

Well, if there's an honest
way to do something

and a sneaky way to do it,

which would our beloved
commandant choose?

So, we move on Tuesday?

Boy, Colonel,

you sure do understand Klink.

Yeah, and it's
beginning to frighten me.

All right, you'll wait
till you hear from me

and then move out fast.

Right, Colonel. Let's go.

The men are posted,
Herr Kommandant.

Everyone is ready.

Excellent.

Now, first we will
move to Barracks Four

and take over
their little tunnel,

then to Barracks
Two and arrest Hogan.

Understood?

Understood.

I was right.

Old honest Klink
is headed this way.

Stand by.

Okay.

Red Fox calling Pussy Cat.

Red Fox calling Pussy Cat.

Do you read me? Over.

This is Pussy Cat.

I read you, Red Fox.

I read you. Over.

Bad guy's almost here.

Repeat. Bad guy's almost here.

Get the music box and move out.

Good luck. Over.

Okay, Red Fox, understood.

Over and out.

That's the word, Andrew.

Let's go.

Okay, Pussy Cat.

Hogan!

The least you can do is knock.

Oh, that's bloody rude.

You told me it was
going to be Wednesday.

Well, it's my tunnel, you know?

I was right.

Trying to escape a day early.

All is prepared, Herr Major.

Good.

Herr Kommandant,
Major Hochstetter's here.

He's going into
Barracks Number Two.

Major Hochstetter?

Major Hochstetter?

The escape's over here.

He's coming.

So, you're all under arrest.

You're a little late, my friend.

Always a bridesmaid,
never a bride.

Major, this happens
to be Tuesday.

Oh, thank you very much.

I distinctly told you
Wednesday, not Tuesday.

You think I listen
to what you say?

You might as well have
said Friday for all I care.

I never said
anything about Friday.

I didn't say you said
anything about Friday.

Now tell me, was it Tuesday
or Wednesday? Be honest.

Honest with you?

You don't even know
how to spell the word.

Ha! Coming from the
Gestapo, that sounds very funny.

Now you may leave any time

and take your spy,
Private Berger, with you.

What spy? And more, I
want to tell you something.

I don't know... Hold it!

You make me feel terrible.

What?!

Well, it's true
we dug the tunnel

and tried to escape,

but that's not the
worst thing we did.

Hogan, what else did you do?

I broke up a
beautiful friendship.

Colonel?

This just came in from London.

"Music box arrived destination.

Well done."

File it among our souvenirs.

And, uh, you and
Carter did a good job.

Well, thank you, Colonel.

I'll tell my draft board.

I'm having difficulty

grasping what you mean, sir.

Newkirk, it is perfectly simple.

You just get in here,
and you stand like this.

There. Now, is that
so difficult, huh? Huh?

You rang, Commandant?

Yes, I did.

I want you in the same
position you were in

when I caught you
trying to escape.

You mean Tuesday night?

Don't start that again.

Okay.

How's this?

Excellent.

Schultz, stand by.

Uh, what about
Major Hochstetter?

This is my report to Berlin.

The Gestapo can
take its own pictures.

Oh, that's a bit selfish, sir.

Oh...

Schultz! Dummkopf!

Hey, very nice, very nice snap.

Famous Iron Colonel caught
escaping his own stalag.

Hogan!

Uh, sir, could you autograph
a copy of the picture

for the wall of my den?

Yes, Hogan.

I will have a picture
sent to you personally.

In the cooler.