Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 8 - Color the Luftwaffe Red - full transcript
Hogan and his crew volunteer to paint Luftwaffe headquarters to get a secret map of fighter deployment locations.
That's it.
Better get a shot of it.
The light's bad.
Still, I'll give it a try.
Watch it!
Mirror, mirror in my hand,
who's the prettiest in the land?
Mama, you're flipping again.
Oh, I can't help it, sonny.
Just being in town
drives me crazy.
Come on, Mama.
My, my, now, there's
a handsome lad
in his uniform.
Danke, gnädige Frau.
It's a pity you're not
in the service, sonny,
and you could wear a uniform.
They wouldn't take me.
And I love war.
I already had my snowshoes
for the Russian front.
Oh, Mama, if only I...
Hush, hush, angel.
He's a little
scrambled upstairs.
He's my own flesh and
blood, but I have to admit it.
What's going on in there?
Having a party?
Little wingding perhaps?
I think I'll go in
and do my imitation
of Marlene Dietrich.
Luftwaffe headquarters.
Verboten.
Oh, couldn't Mama
go in and rest a little?
She's very tired.
I'm not a well woman.
I'm as weak as a cat lately.
Nein!
Verboten.
Raus!
Not very gemütlich,
is he, sonny?
We're all Nazis
together, you know.
Heil Hitler.
Raus!
A few moments ago,
I was a gnädige Frau.
How quickly they change.
Hold it.
This all you got?
The outside of the building?
Well, that's all we
could manage, Colonel.
Yeah, the guard on the
door, sir, was a real hard case.
We never had a chance with him.
Not very efficient,
gnädige Frau.
Leave off.
It's Luftwaffe
Intelligence headquarters.
It's important we
get a bug in there.
Yeah, and we can't plant the bug
unless we know
the layout inside.
Heraus, everybody! Heraus!
Roll call! Everybody outside.
Line up.
LeBEAU: All right, all right.
All the prisoners outside.
That means you, too, madame.
Oh, I'm going.
And please be quick
about it, madame.
"Madame"?
They're rehearsing
a play, Schultz.
Those two jokers are actors?
Show him.
Philip, give me the letter.
I must have the letter, Philip.
What letter?
Good, huh?
Terrible.
That's the trouble
with this war.
Everybody's a critic.
Heraus, you two!
All right, we're "rausing."
Could you unbutton me, please?
Oh, I'd be glad to.
Raus, everybody!
That is the estimate
for painting the interior
of the new headquarters, sir.
This is labor and materials?
Yes, General.
A local company.
450 marks and 12 pfennigs.
For painting?
That's an outrage.
- I - agree with you,
General Burkhalter.
I wouldn't pay
it, if I were you.
I won't.
I admire your strength
in these situations.
But you will.
What?
You will pay for it...
out of the very
generous allowance
Berlin gives you
to run Stalag 13.
But, General Burkhalter,
that's impossible.
I can barely manage as it is.
You are a Luftwaffe officer.
Yes, sir.
Strange as it may seem at times.
Thank you, sir.
The new Intelligence
headquarters is
a Luftwaffe operation.
Therefore, it
becomes your problem.
But why should that
responsibility fall upon me?
What would you rather
have fall upon you...
Responsibility or snowflakes?
I can assure you,
General Burkhalter,
we will use a very
good brand of paint.
Burkhalter's got
Klink on the ropes.
Right where we want him.
Gentlemen, his little problem
is going to solve
our little problem.
We are now in the paint
contracting business.
Hogan, I have been
sitting here for hours
trying to cut expenses,
and you are asking
for an extra loaf of white
bread a week for your men.
And a few cookies.
And a few cookies.
Anything special you would like?
Chocolate chip would be fine.
Chocolate chip...
Or raisin.
Tell you what... mix them up.
Surprise us.
Hogan, not only is
your request denied,
but I will take away
that loaf of white
bread you're getting now
and instead give you
regular camp bread rations.
Back to the sawdust.
Dismissed.
Sir...
I realize we're enemies,
but we're also human beings.
I can tell, something's
disturbing you, huh?
Yes, you're disturbing me.
Dismissed.
Colonel, if we can't help
each other, why are we here?
It's that painting job, right?
How do you know that?
I've been reading your desk.
Everything here's secret.
450 marks to paint the
interior of the building.
That's no secret.
It's an outrage!
That's exactly what
General Burkhalter said.
Uh... we could do the job
for 350 marks.
"We"?
Two of my men, before the war,
were interior decorators.
Sergeant Carter's the best
house painter in Muncie, Indiana.
Is that so?
Mm-hmm.
I must say, I'm very impressed.
350 marks... a saving
of a hundred marks.
Buy a lot of monocles, sir.
Yes.
Why are you making this offer?
We don't want you to economize.
We want to save
that loaf of bread.
Oh, so you can go to
town, try a little escape...
You have my word
as an officer and a
gentleman... no escape.
I'm afraid not.
It's against all regulations.
Uh... 350 your best price?
Rock bottom, and we're
losing money on the job.
But we want to keep
you as a customer.
I'm afraid it's impossible.
Tell you what... if
there's any paint left over,
we'll do a quick
touch-up on your office.
It's beginning to look shabby...
rather embarrassing.
All right.
Paint the Luftwaffe
headquarters...
and my office for 350 marks.
One more thing.
Schultz.
No!
I can't paint anything
else at that price.
Schultz will guard you,
and if there's any
attempt at an escape,
his orders will be
shoot to kill.
Not exactly union conditions,
but we'll take the job.
How long will this job take?
Well, it's hard to say.
We're dealing with experts here.
I mean, they can't be rushed.
I want these men
out of here tonight!
Now, listen, Hogan,
this job has got...
You idiot!
I'm sorry, sir.
I want this job finished
as quickly as possible.
You can depend on us, sir.
We won't hold up the war.
It's the only war we got.
There's one other war, Sergeant.
The one with icicles.
LeBEAU: How much
turpentine you put in?
Well, there's a larger question.
What's turpentine?
Hogan...
these men are experts?
Haven't you ever
heard that before?
That's an old painter's joke.
Schultz, you're in charge.
I'm making you
personally responsible.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And be alert.
Or as alert as you
can possibly be.
Carry on.
All right, everybody,
pay attention.
You heard the commandant.
I am in charge,
and I'm supervising,
and I want you to
do a very good job!
You don't know
anything about painting.
That makes two of you.
LeBEAU: My father used
to have a painting store...
Quiet, everybody!
Get to work!
Schultz is in charge.
Come on.
You think we ought
to sand these walls?
Don't be stupid.
Well?
Well, it shouldn't be too
difficult planting a bug.
There's plenty of wiring
coming into the place.
Mm-hmm.
Remember, I promised
Klink a good job.
We aim to please, sir.
We'd like to have more of
your hidden microphone work.
Gut.
Get me General Müller.
General Müller,
Major Vogel here, sir.
Heil Hitler.
Sir, we have received copies
of the Section 489
maps from headquarters.
Yes, sir... fighter deployment
location and unit strength.
Top secret.
Shall I send them to
your office, Herr General?
At once.
Heil Hitler.
Excuse me, sir.
We need your help.
What is it?
Was there any
special color, sir,
you wanted us
to paint the walls?
Why bother me with that?
Can't you see I'm busy?
I am not an interior decorator!
Well, I never
thought you were, sir.
Although, one never
can tell, can one?
Would you just
look at this, sir?
Just look at it.
It's called a gay,
happy chartreuse.
Now, just watch the
way it goes on, sir.
Watch this.
See how the room becomes alive.
It's very ordinary.
I'm a blue man, myself.
What do you think of that?
It doesn't capture
the real Luftwaffe.
Now, here is something that
will stimulate the old optic nerve.
You have both put the
same color on the wall.
It challenges the
imagination, doesn't it, sir?
Paint it the regulation color!
Well, what color is used
in military buildings?
Your army or ours?
I don't care what color!
Just paint it!
It's so hard to bring beauty
into some people's lives.
One, two, three, four.
I came with four,
I leave with four.
What about me, Schultz?
You are an officer, Colonel,
you do not count.
The count is correct.
I take the prisoners back
to Stalag 13, Herr Major.
Halt!
Search them.
There is top-secret material
in this room, Sergeant.
Search them!
Nothing, sir.
Next.
Nothing, sir.
Next.
Raise your arms.
Raise your arms.
Nothing... sir.
Don't tickle, Schultz.
Nothing, sir.
You forgot to
look in that pocket.
My watch!
Can't be too careful these days.
Next.
Raise your arms, sir.
Nothing, sir.
What are you doing?
Turn that light back on!
The light's giving
off too much heat...
The room will dry too fast.
You don't want
tacky paint, do you?
All I want is for you
to finish and get out
as quickly as possible.
Major, you read my mind.
All right, everybody,
raus, raus, raus, raus.
This just came in
from London, Colonel.
Hold it.
London's sending a
special courier for the map.
They'll drop him in
when we're ready,
fly him out the following night.
And it's signed "Anxious."
Be nice if we had the
bloody thing for him.
But we haven't.
The Krauts are going to find
that map any minute.
And then they'll find us.
You guys are
knocking yourselves out
for no reason at all.
I don't consider a firing squad
"no reason at all."
Are you figuring
to try for it again, Colonel?
Like, tomorrow?
That's ridiculous!
Come off it, sir, please.
We were supposed to put
a microphone in there.
We did it, c'est fini.
Matter of fact, I was a
bit rushed on that bug;
I should check it.
Okay, but the map
is the big bonus.
I still think we
ought to forget it.
I already have.
Let's talk about girls.
They're sending
a special courier.
Give him an IOU.
It's a map of German
fighter deployment.
Any idea what that would mean
to our bomber command?
Sure, that's the
places they'd hit first.
And sabotage on the ground.
The Krauts would get wise to
that right away and redeploy.
Right. But it would take them a
month to rearrange themselves.
In that time, having the map
could save maybe a
hundred bomber crews.
I say it's worth another shot.
But how?
Tomorrow when they
take us to that building,
we get into room, take
the map out of the lamp,
signal London we're
ready and that's it.
Absolutely nothing
to worry about.
Or is there?
Now you're coming
over to our side.
Why not?
Let's all be scared together.
The Major's orders
are not to let you in.
He's busy.
Tell him we have to get
into the office, Schultz.
Nein, das ist verboten.
You heard what he said.
About face, back to the...
Attention!
What's going on here?
We want to go in and
finish the job, Major.
As far as I am concerned,
you are finished.
We should inspect the
work and check the paint
to make sure it's
drying properly.
Take them back to camp.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
Last officer to go against
Burkhalter's orders
is missing in action!
General Burkhalter?
About that high,
about that wide,
walks like a duck.
I know what he looks like.
You're under his orders?
Yeah, he's a great guy.
All right, all right,
inspect the paint...
then out!
All right, inspect the paint.
Come on, everybody,
inspect the paint.
What makes them so happy?
Oh, they have to
be... Union regulations.
Hold it, men.
Hold it!
Not enough light in here.
Can't inspect the paint
unless you can see.
You told us to
keep the lights off
or the paint would
not dry properly.
That was yesterday.
You got to keep
up with the times.
Must be the bulb or the wiring.
I'll check it.
Hey, Schultz,
don't lean against it.
It's still wet.
Don't you think I know
wet paint when I see it?
Sure you do.
Excuse me, sir.
What do you think of the color?
Yes, do you like it?
Don't bother me!
He likes it.
All right,
LeBeau... let's try it.
Right, sir.
Ha, see?
Loose bulb.
The paint is drying
very well, Colonel.
Yes, I'm satisfied.
Oh, that's good enough for me.
Kinch, everything
where it ought to be?
You know what they say, Colonel:
There's a place for everything
and the thing is in its place.
See, Major, it
only hurt a minute.
Raus, raus, raus.
Well, gentlemen,
you did a very good
job on the painting.
You did not make any trouble.
There was no monkey business.
You didn't try to escape.
You did not steal anything.
We must be slipping.
Just to show you
my appreciation,
I'll take you all out to
the Hofbrau for a beer.
That's very, very
decent of you, Schultz.
Oh, you're all Kraut
and a yard wide.
Yeah, but we can't accept.
Why?
It's against regulations.
Regulations?
That's my job.
Yup, take us back to camp, huh?
Wait a minute, Colonel Hogan.
I want to buy you a drink.
I'm paying.
Can't turn him down, sir.
It's military courtesy.
I didn't want to tell you this,
but I don't feel too well.
What's wrong, Colonel?
Back there in the office
I got a sudden
pain... Right here.
And he wants to get
rid of it, right, Colonel?
As quickly as possible.
If a man gets caught
with a pain like this,
I mean, he could
be very, very sick.
Yeah, every minute he has it
is dangerous.
Yeah, but, Colonel Hogan,
a beer will make
you feel much better.
I don't think so.
Thanks anyway, Schultz.
Thank you, Schultz.
Halt!
I am in charge here.
And I decided to take you
down the street for a beer
and anybody who refuses
will be shot trying to escape!
He's gone mad.
That's not like him.
Schultzy, you
sound like a killer.
I can't help it...
I'm thirsty.
Here we go.
Thank you very much.
Now, gentlemen...
to our wives and sweethearts.
May they never meet.
"May they never meet"!
Oh, you feel better, Colonel?
Yeah, having a ball, Schultz.
Some more beer,
next and last one...
Sergeant Schultz?!
Yeah...
Jawohl.
Major Vogel reports
you permitted these men
to leave Luftwaffe headquarters
without being searched.
I was thirsty...
I mean, I forgot.
You forgot?!
Search them.
On your feet, all of you.
Line up!
Very friendly type.
It's their country.
It's also their map,
but the firing
squad will be ours.
Just what do you
think you're doing?
It's a bit warm, sir.
Oh, really?
That was very stupid.
No wonder you British
are losing the war.
Oh, did you hear that, chaps?
We're losing the war.
That's the first
I've heard of it.
I must write to my mum and dad.
They're going to be shocked.
Silence!
Aha... you stole that.
Well, I prefer
to think of it,
sir, as borrowed.
Well?
All right... as you were.
Make sure that man is punished.
And, Sergeant, next
time observe regulations.
Understood?
Understood!
Oh, boy, is it understood.
Yeah, remember that pain
I had a while ago?
It's gone.
I told you, Colonel,
a beer will make
you feel much better.
Who's got it?
You mean, it's catching?
There we are, sir, allow me.
Danke.
Not at all, sir.
There is no reason
why this war can't
be a helpful one,
is there, sir?
As long as you
Engländers know your place.
Right, sir.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen, to you, sir.
And drop dead about it
while you're on the way.
About that pain, sir,
I think I've got it now.
It is catching.
Let's get back to camp.
Yeah, before someone
else catches it.
How much is it?
I put it in the
old geezer's coat
and took it out
while he was leaving.
Newkirk, I wish I could give you
a medal for this.
Well, the truth is, sir...
Don't tell me.
He'll never miss it.
350 marks, 12 pfennigs...
One of the greatest
bargains of World War II, sir.
I'd like it in cash.
Not so fast, my friend.
I have a little bill for you.
Commandant, you've been
painting behind my back?
Transportation, the use of a
truck into Hammelburg, 150 marks.
Overtime for Sergeant Schultz,
190 marks and 12 pfennigs.
190 marks for Schultz?
You've got to be kidding.
He's a sergeant, remember?
A corporal could
have guarded us.
You wouldn't have
saved a great deal,
perhaps ten percent.
Look, we made a
deal, we did a good job;
we want the money.
Dismissed.
I'd like the cash, sir.
I said "dismissed."
Is that your final word?
It is, indeed.
Okay.
Hold it!
Knock it off!
Fellows, knock it off!
We lost the contract.
Wait a minute...
Where are you going?
Just a minute.
Hogan!
My office, who's
going to paint it, huh?
If I were you, I'd get
someone with experience.
Hey, how about
that little corporal
with the mustache?
Out.
Is he busy?
Out!
Better get a shot of it.
The light's bad.
Still, I'll give it a try.
Watch it!
Mirror, mirror in my hand,
who's the prettiest in the land?
Mama, you're flipping again.
Oh, I can't help it, sonny.
Just being in town
drives me crazy.
Come on, Mama.
My, my, now, there's
a handsome lad
in his uniform.
Danke, gnädige Frau.
It's a pity you're not
in the service, sonny,
and you could wear a uniform.
They wouldn't take me.
And I love war.
I already had my snowshoes
for the Russian front.
Oh, Mama, if only I...
Hush, hush, angel.
He's a little
scrambled upstairs.
He's my own flesh and
blood, but I have to admit it.
What's going on in there?
Having a party?
Little wingding perhaps?
I think I'll go in
and do my imitation
of Marlene Dietrich.
Luftwaffe headquarters.
Verboten.
Oh, couldn't Mama
go in and rest a little?
She's very tired.
I'm not a well woman.
I'm as weak as a cat lately.
Nein!
Verboten.
Raus!
Not very gemütlich,
is he, sonny?
We're all Nazis
together, you know.
Heil Hitler.
Raus!
A few moments ago,
I was a gnädige Frau.
How quickly they change.
Hold it.
This all you got?
The outside of the building?
Well, that's all we
could manage, Colonel.
Yeah, the guard on the
door, sir, was a real hard case.
We never had a chance with him.
Not very efficient,
gnädige Frau.
Leave off.
It's Luftwaffe
Intelligence headquarters.
It's important we
get a bug in there.
Yeah, and we can't plant the bug
unless we know
the layout inside.
Heraus, everybody! Heraus!
Roll call! Everybody outside.
Line up.
LeBEAU: All right, all right.
All the prisoners outside.
That means you, too, madame.
Oh, I'm going.
And please be quick
about it, madame.
"Madame"?
They're rehearsing
a play, Schultz.
Those two jokers are actors?
Show him.
Philip, give me the letter.
I must have the letter, Philip.
What letter?
Good, huh?
Terrible.
That's the trouble
with this war.
Everybody's a critic.
Heraus, you two!
All right, we're "rausing."
Could you unbutton me, please?
Oh, I'd be glad to.
Raus, everybody!
That is the estimate
for painting the interior
of the new headquarters, sir.
This is labor and materials?
Yes, General.
A local company.
450 marks and 12 pfennigs.
For painting?
That's an outrage.
- I - agree with you,
General Burkhalter.
I wouldn't pay
it, if I were you.
I won't.
I admire your strength
in these situations.
But you will.
What?
You will pay for it...
out of the very
generous allowance
Berlin gives you
to run Stalag 13.
But, General Burkhalter,
that's impossible.
I can barely manage as it is.
You are a Luftwaffe officer.
Yes, sir.
Strange as it may seem at times.
Thank you, sir.
The new Intelligence
headquarters is
a Luftwaffe operation.
Therefore, it
becomes your problem.
But why should that
responsibility fall upon me?
What would you rather
have fall upon you...
Responsibility or snowflakes?
I can assure you,
General Burkhalter,
we will use a very
good brand of paint.
Burkhalter's got
Klink on the ropes.
Right where we want him.
Gentlemen, his little problem
is going to solve
our little problem.
We are now in the paint
contracting business.
Hogan, I have been
sitting here for hours
trying to cut expenses,
and you are asking
for an extra loaf of white
bread a week for your men.
And a few cookies.
And a few cookies.
Anything special you would like?
Chocolate chip would be fine.
Chocolate chip...
Or raisin.
Tell you what... mix them up.
Surprise us.
Hogan, not only is
your request denied,
but I will take away
that loaf of white
bread you're getting now
and instead give you
regular camp bread rations.
Back to the sawdust.
Dismissed.
Sir...
I realize we're enemies,
but we're also human beings.
I can tell, something's
disturbing you, huh?
Yes, you're disturbing me.
Dismissed.
Colonel, if we can't help
each other, why are we here?
It's that painting job, right?
How do you know that?
I've been reading your desk.
Everything here's secret.
450 marks to paint the
interior of the building.
That's no secret.
It's an outrage!
That's exactly what
General Burkhalter said.
Uh... we could do the job
for 350 marks.
"We"?
Two of my men, before the war,
were interior decorators.
Sergeant Carter's the best
house painter in Muncie, Indiana.
Is that so?
Mm-hmm.
I must say, I'm very impressed.
350 marks... a saving
of a hundred marks.
Buy a lot of monocles, sir.
Yes.
Why are you making this offer?
We don't want you to economize.
We want to save
that loaf of bread.
Oh, so you can go to
town, try a little escape...
You have my word
as an officer and a
gentleman... no escape.
I'm afraid not.
It's against all regulations.
Uh... 350 your best price?
Rock bottom, and we're
losing money on the job.
But we want to keep
you as a customer.
I'm afraid it's impossible.
Tell you what... if
there's any paint left over,
we'll do a quick
touch-up on your office.
It's beginning to look shabby...
rather embarrassing.
All right.
Paint the Luftwaffe
headquarters...
and my office for 350 marks.
One more thing.
Schultz.
No!
I can't paint anything
else at that price.
Schultz will guard you,
and if there's any
attempt at an escape,
his orders will be
shoot to kill.
Not exactly union conditions,
but we'll take the job.
How long will this job take?
Well, it's hard to say.
We're dealing with experts here.
I mean, they can't be rushed.
I want these men
out of here tonight!
Now, listen, Hogan,
this job has got...
You idiot!
I'm sorry, sir.
I want this job finished
as quickly as possible.
You can depend on us, sir.
We won't hold up the war.
It's the only war we got.
There's one other war, Sergeant.
The one with icicles.
LeBEAU: How much
turpentine you put in?
Well, there's a larger question.
What's turpentine?
Hogan...
these men are experts?
Haven't you ever
heard that before?
That's an old painter's joke.
Schultz, you're in charge.
I'm making you
personally responsible.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And be alert.
Or as alert as you
can possibly be.
Carry on.
All right, everybody,
pay attention.
You heard the commandant.
I am in charge,
and I'm supervising,
and I want you to
do a very good job!
You don't know
anything about painting.
That makes two of you.
LeBEAU: My father used
to have a painting store...
Quiet, everybody!
Get to work!
Schultz is in charge.
Come on.
You think we ought
to sand these walls?
Don't be stupid.
Well?
Well, it shouldn't be too
difficult planting a bug.
There's plenty of wiring
coming into the place.
Mm-hmm.
Remember, I promised
Klink a good job.
We aim to please, sir.
We'd like to have more of
your hidden microphone work.
Gut.
Get me General Müller.
General Müller,
Major Vogel here, sir.
Heil Hitler.
Sir, we have received copies
of the Section 489
maps from headquarters.
Yes, sir... fighter deployment
location and unit strength.
Top secret.
Shall I send them to
your office, Herr General?
At once.
Heil Hitler.
Excuse me, sir.
We need your help.
What is it?
Was there any
special color, sir,
you wanted us
to paint the walls?
Why bother me with that?
Can't you see I'm busy?
I am not an interior decorator!
Well, I never
thought you were, sir.
Although, one never
can tell, can one?
Would you just
look at this, sir?
Just look at it.
It's called a gay,
happy chartreuse.
Now, just watch the
way it goes on, sir.
Watch this.
See how the room becomes alive.
It's very ordinary.
I'm a blue man, myself.
What do you think of that?
It doesn't capture
the real Luftwaffe.
Now, here is something that
will stimulate the old optic nerve.
You have both put the
same color on the wall.
It challenges the
imagination, doesn't it, sir?
Paint it the regulation color!
Well, what color is used
in military buildings?
Your army or ours?
I don't care what color!
Just paint it!
It's so hard to bring beauty
into some people's lives.
One, two, three, four.
I came with four,
I leave with four.
What about me, Schultz?
You are an officer, Colonel,
you do not count.
The count is correct.
I take the prisoners back
to Stalag 13, Herr Major.
Halt!
Search them.
There is top-secret material
in this room, Sergeant.
Search them!
Nothing, sir.
Next.
Nothing, sir.
Next.
Raise your arms.
Raise your arms.
Nothing... sir.
Don't tickle, Schultz.
Nothing, sir.
You forgot to
look in that pocket.
My watch!
Can't be too careful these days.
Next.
Raise your arms, sir.
Nothing, sir.
What are you doing?
Turn that light back on!
The light's giving
off too much heat...
The room will dry too fast.
You don't want
tacky paint, do you?
All I want is for you
to finish and get out
as quickly as possible.
Major, you read my mind.
All right, everybody,
raus, raus, raus, raus.
This just came in
from London, Colonel.
Hold it.
London's sending a
special courier for the map.
They'll drop him in
when we're ready,
fly him out the following night.
And it's signed "Anxious."
Be nice if we had the
bloody thing for him.
But we haven't.
The Krauts are going to find
that map any minute.
And then they'll find us.
You guys are
knocking yourselves out
for no reason at all.
I don't consider a firing squad
"no reason at all."
Are you figuring
to try for it again, Colonel?
Like, tomorrow?
That's ridiculous!
Come off it, sir, please.
We were supposed to put
a microphone in there.
We did it, c'est fini.
Matter of fact, I was a
bit rushed on that bug;
I should check it.
Okay, but the map
is the big bonus.
I still think we
ought to forget it.
I already have.
Let's talk about girls.
They're sending
a special courier.
Give him an IOU.
It's a map of German
fighter deployment.
Any idea what that would mean
to our bomber command?
Sure, that's the
places they'd hit first.
And sabotage on the ground.
The Krauts would get wise to
that right away and redeploy.
Right. But it would take them a
month to rearrange themselves.
In that time, having the map
could save maybe a
hundred bomber crews.
I say it's worth another shot.
But how?
Tomorrow when they
take us to that building,
we get into room, take
the map out of the lamp,
signal London we're
ready and that's it.
Absolutely nothing
to worry about.
Or is there?
Now you're coming
over to our side.
Why not?
Let's all be scared together.
The Major's orders
are not to let you in.
He's busy.
Tell him we have to get
into the office, Schultz.
Nein, das ist verboten.
You heard what he said.
About face, back to the...
Attention!
What's going on here?
We want to go in and
finish the job, Major.
As far as I am concerned,
you are finished.
We should inspect the
work and check the paint
to make sure it's
drying properly.
Take them back to camp.
Jawohl, Herr Major.
Last officer to go against
Burkhalter's orders
is missing in action!
General Burkhalter?
About that high,
about that wide,
walks like a duck.
I know what he looks like.
You're under his orders?
Yeah, he's a great guy.
All right, all right,
inspect the paint...
then out!
All right, inspect the paint.
Come on, everybody,
inspect the paint.
What makes them so happy?
Oh, they have to
be... Union regulations.
Hold it, men.
Hold it!
Not enough light in here.
Can't inspect the paint
unless you can see.
You told us to
keep the lights off
or the paint would
not dry properly.
That was yesterday.
You got to keep
up with the times.
Must be the bulb or the wiring.
I'll check it.
Hey, Schultz,
don't lean against it.
It's still wet.
Don't you think I know
wet paint when I see it?
Sure you do.
Excuse me, sir.
What do you think of the color?
Yes, do you like it?
Don't bother me!
He likes it.
All right,
LeBeau... let's try it.
Right, sir.
Ha, see?
Loose bulb.
The paint is drying
very well, Colonel.
Yes, I'm satisfied.
Oh, that's good enough for me.
Kinch, everything
where it ought to be?
You know what they say, Colonel:
There's a place for everything
and the thing is in its place.
See, Major, it
only hurt a minute.
Raus, raus, raus.
Well, gentlemen,
you did a very good
job on the painting.
You did not make any trouble.
There was no monkey business.
You didn't try to escape.
You did not steal anything.
We must be slipping.
Just to show you
my appreciation,
I'll take you all out to
the Hofbrau for a beer.
That's very, very
decent of you, Schultz.
Oh, you're all Kraut
and a yard wide.
Yeah, but we can't accept.
Why?
It's against regulations.
Regulations?
That's my job.
Yup, take us back to camp, huh?
Wait a minute, Colonel Hogan.
I want to buy you a drink.
I'm paying.
Can't turn him down, sir.
It's military courtesy.
I didn't want to tell you this,
but I don't feel too well.
What's wrong, Colonel?
Back there in the office
I got a sudden
pain... Right here.
And he wants to get
rid of it, right, Colonel?
As quickly as possible.
If a man gets caught
with a pain like this,
I mean, he could
be very, very sick.
Yeah, every minute he has it
is dangerous.
Yeah, but, Colonel Hogan,
a beer will make
you feel much better.
I don't think so.
Thanks anyway, Schultz.
Thank you, Schultz.
Halt!
I am in charge here.
And I decided to take you
down the street for a beer
and anybody who refuses
will be shot trying to escape!
He's gone mad.
That's not like him.
Schultzy, you
sound like a killer.
I can't help it...
I'm thirsty.
Here we go.
Thank you very much.
Now, gentlemen...
to our wives and sweethearts.
May they never meet.
"May they never meet"!
Oh, you feel better, Colonel?
Yeah, having a ball, Schultz.
Some more beer,
next and last one...
Sergeant Schultz?!
Yeah...
Jawohl.
Major Vogel reports
you permitted these men
to leave Luftwaffe headquarters
without being searched.
I was thirsty...
I mean, I forgot.
You forgot?!
Search them.
On your feet, all of you.
Line up!
Very friendly type.
It's their country.
It's also their map,
but the firing
squad will be ours.
Just what do you
think you're doing?
It's a bit warm, sir.
Oh, really?
That was very stupid.
No wonder you British
are losing the war.
Oh, did you hear that, chaps?
We're losing the war.
That's the first
I've heard of it.
I must write to my mum and dad.
They're going to be shocked.
Silence!
Aha... you stole that.
Well, I prefer
to think of it,
sir, as borrowed.
Well?
All right... as you were.
Make sure that man is punished.
And, Sergeant, next
time observe regulations.
Understood?
Understood!
Oh, boy, is it understood.
Yeah, remember that pain
I had a while ago?
It's gone.
I told you, Colonel,
a beer will make
you feel much better.
Who's got it?
You mean, it's catching?
There we are, sir, allow me.
Danke.
Not at all, sir.
There is no reason
why this war can't
be a helpful one,
is there, sir?
As long as you
Engländers know your place.
Right, sir.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen, to you, sir.
And drop dead about it
while you're on the way.
About that pain, sir,
I think I've got it now.
It is catching.
Let's get back to camp.
Yeah, before someone
else catches it.
How much is it?
I put it in the
old geezer's coat
and took it out
while he was leaving.
Newkirk, I wish I could give you
a medal for this.
Well, the truth is, sir...
Don't tell me.
He'll never miss it.
350 marks, 12 pfennigs...
One of the greatest
bargains of World War II, sir.
I'd like it in cash.
Not so fast, my friend.
I have a little bill for you.
Commandant, you've been
painting behind my back?
Transportation, the use of a
truck into Hammelburg, 150 marks.
Overtime for Sergeant Schultz,
190 marks and 12 pfennigs.
190 marks for Schultz?
You've got to be kidding.
He's a sergeant, remember?
A corporal could
have guarded us.
You wouldn't have
saved a great deal,
perhaps ten percent.
Look, we made a
deal, we did a good job;
we want the money.
Dismissed.
I'd like the cash, sir.
I said "dismissed."
Is that your final word?
It is, indeed.
Okay.
Hold it!
Knock it off!
Fellows, knock it off!
We lost the contract.
Wait a minute...
Where are you going?
Just a minute.
Hogan!
My office, who's
going to paint it, huh?
If I were you, I'd get
someone with experience.
Hey, how about
that little corporal
with the mustache?
Out.
Is he busy?
Out!