Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 7 - Never Play Cards with Strangers - full transcript
Plans to destroy a nearby rocket-fuel plant don't go as Hogan would like.
There it is.
Huh, that place is
built like Fort Knox.
Yeah, quite a piggy bank.
What goes on there, Olga?
Rocket fuel.
Chemicals are
shipped from Düsseldorf
in truck convoys.
The fuel is made here.
Then they put the
barrels in railway cars.
And away they go to the
launching pads in France.
It has been operating
only a few weeks.
Huh, Colonel...
Security is one thing,
but that's ridiculous.
You think we should radio London
for an air strike?
I guess so,
but it's going to be murder.
Look at these hills.
A low-level attack
would never make it.
We've already given London
the locations of
the flak batteries.
They're going to need it...
This isn't going
to be a milk run.
Colonel... brass arriving.
He's got to be
wheel of some kind.
Yeah, they sure
didn't mess with him.
That is General
von Treger's car.
He's in charge of
the rocket program.
I saw him in Hammelburg.
We know he works on the
rocket installations in France.
An important man,
very close the Führer.
It's a cinch he's not in town
for the bock beer festival.
Let's get back to camp.
Newkirk.
Oh!
Cor blimey, sir,
gave me a fright...
I nearly let you have it.
Glad you're alert...
But your safety catch is on.
Oh, well, you can't be
too careful, can you, sir?
Uh, see you home,
if you like, love.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Beautiful.
Well, the Germans are
prowling these woods.
He's right...
also, Englishmen prowling.
General von Treger?!
Yes, the General von Treger.
Congratulations,
Herr Kommandant.
Oh, this is a very big fish.
I'm so glad you approve
the General's visit.
Oh, I do, Herr Kommandant.
Thank you, Schultz,
that's gives me
a warm feeling of confidence.
Now...
preparations are to be made:
General von Treger will
be staying in my quarters.
Both of you in one bed?
Alone, Dummkopf.
Now, see to it that
my room is clean,
new curtains,
bedspread, fresh flowers.
Then see to it
that all my things
are taken out of there
and moved into the
orderly room temporarily.
Everything, Herr Kommandant?
Yes.
Also the girlie pictures
on the shelf in the...
I said everything...
Now see to it at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant,
it shall be done.
I shall depend
on you, Schultz...
which is a terrible mistake.
Colonel Hogan is here.
Herr Kommandant, Colonel...
Yes, I know... send him in.
Jawohl.
I told you, every
time Hilda giggles...
Oh, shut up.
You have your orders.
Dis... missed.
You want to see me, Commandant?
Yes, I do.
Hogan, one of the
most important men
in Germany today
is visiting Stalag 13.
Old Bubblehead's coming here?
I do not appreciate you calling
our Führer "Old Bubblehead."
Oh... how about "Fruitcake?"
Hogan!
We are to be honored
by the presence
of General von Treger.
That's big brass.
The general has some
very important business
in this part of Germany,
and he's making our little
stalag his headquarters.
Sometimes this war's so
exciting I can hardly stand it.
Hogan, I warn you,
while General von Treger is here
any show of disrespect,
any trouble whatsoever
from you or your men
will be punished unmercifully.
Get out of line just once
and you will regret
it, understood?
Understood.
Now...
I wonder if you
could do me a favor.
You sure know how to ask a guy.
Listen, Hogan...
I understand that
General von Treger
enjoys all the
good things in life.
Then why is he staying here?
He appreciates good wines.
He enjoys gourmet cooking.
I have heard
that he's even a
bit of a ladies man.
Who isn't... in between wars.
Hogan, what I am
trying to ask you...
Would our chef, LeBeau
cook him a special meal?
Exactly.
You're prepared to
make a deal, of course?
I am the commandant here,
I do not make deals
with prisoners of war.
But you would show
your appreciation.
What kind of deal do you want?
I won't ask you for more heat
or hot water in the barracks
or to stop stealing from
our Red Cross packages...
Very sensible.
Because I know I
can get those things.
Two men from Barracks
9 are in the cooler,
Sergeant Schwartz
and Private Mills.
Yes, ten days
solitary confinement
for making rude
noises during roll call.
Commandant, everybody does that.
I know!
An example must be made.
They've served three
day, let them out.
Impossible.
LeBeau might cook two meals.
No!
Commandant... just imagine
the General at
Berchtesgaden sometime
and he says to old Bubblehead...
Sorry, Fruitcake... whatever...
He says, "The best
soufflé I ever had
"was at a Luft Stalag.
"Can't even remember
the name of the town,
but the Commandant..."
All right, all right, all right.
The men will be released.
You're a great humanitarian.
You know, they might even name
the next war after you.
"World War Klink"?
Welcome, General von Treger.
May I say, sir,
my stalag is your stalag.
Thank you for your kind
hospitality, Colonel Klink.
See to the bags.
See to the bags.
Yes, sir!
See to the bags.
From London.
"Air strike at this
time impossible.
"Target now your mission.
Priority one... Good luck."
It's a suicide mission.
Right, machine-gun
emplacements, minefields,
automatic alarm system,
a regiment of elite guards...
impossible, right?
Right.
All right, let's get on with it.
Hold it, hold it, you have pay
piling up back home, right?
Be nice if we could
live to spend it.
Look, get in touch
with the underground tonight.
We're going to
need some planning.
Tell them to send Olga...
She knows the layout.
All right.
Krauts are inspecting
the barracks.
They're headed this way.
All right.
Attention!
At ease!
General, this is Colonel Hogan,
senior POW officer.
Hogan, this is
General von Treger.
These is quite an experience
for me, Colonel.
I don't often meet the
enemy face to face.
Don't worry, General, you will.
Hogan!
Now, General,
these barracks here
are more or less typical.
Typical of what?
Silence!
Seems to be very cozy.
Yes, sir, it does have
sort of a homey
feeling about it.
Same interior decorator
did the main Berlin sewer.
I didn't know that.
Schultz!
By the way, General,
this man here, Corporal LeBeau
is an excellent cook.
I have ordered him to prepare
one or two special meals for you
while you're here.
You did?
Oh, yes, you did.
Good.
Perhaps Colonel Hogan
would join us for dinner?
"Join us"?!
That's what I said.
Yes, sir, General,
that's exactly
what I had in mind.
Excellent.
Perhaps after
dinner, we could have
a rubber or two of
bridge, eh, Colonel?
Thank you, sir.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wieder...
Colonel, are you going
to eat with those Krauts
and play bridge with them?
At least we'll know
where they are
when we blow that plant.
LeBeau, what are you
going to have on the menu?
Mm, maybe beef Stroganoff.
"Beef Stroganoff"?
With the trouble they're
having on the Russian front,
you'd give them beef Stroganoff?
That's cruel.
Oui, I know.
The convoys come down
the Hammelburg road
then turn here to the plant.
The last checkpoint is there.
So if you wanted to
latch onto the convoy
as a late-comer
the logical place would
be right here, huh?
Yes, where they
slow down for the turn.
All right, Newkirk,
Carter, study the map.
You're going to be driving
a German truck
filled with dynamite.
Here's where you
join the convoy.
Well, suppose
they won't let us in?
Well, the Krauts can't be
as unfriendly as
that, for Pete's sake.
Andrew, I'm going to
miss you after the war.
Kinch, can you get us a truck
from the Kraut Sergeant
in the motor pool?
Ten cents a mile.
This one won't come back.
Well, we'll give him 12¢ a mile
and our apologies.
If he squeals on us,
he squeals on himself.
Okay.
Now, here's the way it goes:
Carter, Newkirk,
you wait in the woods
till the convoy passes.
You set the timers
on the dynamite
and you swing into line.
You drive into the plant
with the rest of them,
you leave the truck
and take cover.
How do we get away?
You read my cowardly mind.
When the truck blows,
you should be able to
get out in the confusion.
What if there isn't
enough confusion?
I never said this wasn't
going to be dangerous.
Colonel, we're going to driving
a truckload of dynamite
into that bloody chemical plant.
We could easily get
ourselves blown up.
And I'm going to
be playing bridge
with a roomful of Krauts.
I could very easily
be bored to death.
To General von Treger, prosit.
Prosit.
Prosit!
Schultz...
He got carried away
with emotion, sir.
I'm told there's never been
an escape from this place.
Is that true?
I'm happy to say it is, sir.
We'd be hurt if he tried.
LeBeau, LeBeau!
More wine, quickly, Cockroach!
Very good, excellent.
Thank you, General,
thank you, thank you.
O, monsieur, your
beef Stroganoff
is sheer poetry.
Klink is an animal,
the worst Boche of an
animal that ever lived!
That's also poetry.
I may kill him tonight
with my bare hands
if I ever get the chance.
Don't worry about the dishes,
I'll take care of them.
All clear.
Okay, Carter,
let's get cracking.
Ah... I deal.
Gentlemen, I must
tell you in advance,
I'm not the greatest
bridge player in the world.
Have you ever played
with grownups before, sir?
He's probably an expert.
Right, he may take
us all to the cleaners.
Uh, General, don't you think
you ought to put Hitler
in your wife's name?
Take it easy, Carter,
this thing's loaded
with dynamite!
Sorry.
I hope I didn't spill any.
Four clubs.
I double.
You sure you mean
clubs, Commandant?
Of course I'm sure.
Those are the little black ones
with the knobs on the end.
Prosit.
I pass.
Commandant Klink's quarters.
Oh, it is for you, Herr Kapitän.
Excuse me.
Mm-hmm, yeah, sure, yeah.
Ja.
Ja, all right, hold on.
Herr General, the convoy's
at the final checkpoint.
Any change in orders, sir?
No, I think not.
Have them proceed.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Frau Müller, the
general's orders are to...
Uh, Captain.
Wait.
Have all identification
numbers on the trucks changed
for tonight only.
The numbers should
begin with 100.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Müller, change all code
numbers before proceeding.
Add 100 to the
beginning of each number.
Repeat the order.
Just a little
added security.
Exercise keeps
them on their toes.
Brilliant, sir,
absolutely brilliant.
Oh, I'm sorry!
How clumsy of me.
You certainly are, Hogan.
Schultz, clean up this mess.
I'll get a towel!
And the real secret
is in the sour cream.
Hold it, hold it.
We got troubles.
Von Treger just ordered
the serial numbers
changed on the trucks.
He can't do that.
Kinch, get on your horse.
You got to reach
Newkirk and Carter
before they swing into
line with that convoy.
Tell them the mission's
been scratched.
Okay.
And make it fast,
or they swing into
line with a firing squad.
Gotcha.
Here they come.
Well, it's about time.
All right, get ready to move.
I am, boy.
My palms are
sweating, but I'm ready.
All right, go.
Hey, hold it!
Hold it!
Kinch, Kinch... what happened?
I think I just ran a
four-minute mile.
The mission is scratched.
I didn't use my
head, that's all.
It's no good blaming yourself
for last night,
Colonel, it's done.
I underestimated von Treger.
The mission failed, Colonel,
it's finished and that's that.
Right, sir, we
can't win 'em all.
Is that what you
want, to admit failure?
To walk away from this thing?
Give up?
Forget it?
Yes. Yes.
Good.
I'm glad you want to try again.
Now, what's a definite factor
we can depend on in this job?
We don't know what we're doing.
There are two kinds of vehicles
that get into that plant
without inspection...
The convoy trucks
and General von Treger's car.
So we'll let the general
blow up the plant for us.
Exactly.
LeBeau is going to prepare
another dinner for the general.
Carter?
Yes, sir?
I need a couple of
empty wine cases.
Empty wine cases, sir?
Mm-hmm. I want you to pack them
with enough dynamite to start
a chain-reaction
explosion in the plant.
We'll need a couple of timers
set for about 40 minutes.
Can you do it?
Sure.
Matter of fact, it's kind of
interesting for a change.
Good.
You know, ma'am,
you get kind of tired working
with your average
garden-variety-type
demolition pack, you know,
and your delayed action fuses
and things like that.
So when get a chance
to use new muscle,
you kind of appreciate it...
Carter!
Empty wine cases.
Olga, we'll need
you for this operation.
I'm ready, Colonel.
I want you to wear
your best clothes.
Dress as you would
for an important date.
Now, the rendezvous
point will be right about here.
I want you to stay
out of sight until
General von Treger's
car comes down the road...
Colonel, you did
say the general's car?
Mm-hmm.
General von Treger
is going to take that dynamite
into the plant for us.
But he's going to be so busy
charming one of the local ladies
that nobody's going
to see his face.
Beautiful strategy,
Herr General, beautiful.
He hasn't played a card yet.
The coq au vin
was superb, Klink.
Thank you, sir.
I must say, you do
yourself well here.
Well, we always try
to do our best, sir.
Thank you, thank you, LeBeau.
Mmm, excellent port.
Thank you, Herr
General, thank you.
For me?
With Colonel
Hogan's compliments.
Oh, he's so nice.
Ah!
He always thinks
of the little man.
What's that got to do with you?
Hey, Fritz!
A little wine?
Rock-a-bye Kraut.
LeBEAU: Ready, Colonel.
Let's go.
That was an excellent dinner,
my good man, danke schön.
Merci. Bon voyage, Herr Général.
Colonel.
Yeah?
That stuff won't keep
them asleep too long.
An hour, maybe a little more.
That's all we'll
need if we're lucky.
If they should wake
up and you're not back?
Tell them to start the
next hand without me.
Hey, you look smashing, love.
Thank you, General.
Hey, when we get near the
plant, you two go into a clinch.
Right, sir.
Not yet.
Just a bit of practice, sir.
You don't need practice.
Herr General.
Hide your face, Newkirk.
I'll be back in a minute.
Right, Colonel.
Oh, and sir, take your time.
There's no need
to rush, you know.
Colonel...
Now, I told you it
might be dangerous.
Yes, Herr General,
I'll take care of it at once.
Guard!
Get this wine in the office.
And you... help him.
"Captain Hoganhoffer"?
Mm-hmm.
What happened to Captain Moss?
Reassigned to Berlin.
I'm the general's new aide.
Here, put it over on the table.
This is wine for
the officer's mess,
a gift from the general.
It's not to be opened until
the party Saturday night.
The party?
Goering's birthday,
in case you forgot.
Oh, yes, of course,
Goering's birthday.
The general would
have presented it himself,
but he's busy at the moment.
Heil Hitler.
Ring Major Hermann's
quarters at once.
Stop that car!
I called Major Hermann,
the plant commander.
He's coming here to thank
the general personally.
Major Hermann is going to
show his appreciation personally?
Putzie, darling, ask
them to close the window.
It's chilly.
Captain, close the window!
Drive on, schnell!
Jawohl, General.
"Putzie"?
Uh, "Putzie, darling."
Uh, tell Major Hermann
the general was in
conference and couldn't wait.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Take care.
Bye-bye.
Well, how did it go?
No problems.
The wine's delivered
and ticking away.
One for you, one for me.
Okay, let's get them up.
Sleeping like babies.
Yeah.
My baby's still
wearing his monocle.
Well...
I must have dozed
off for a moment.
Yeah, I also.
Well, who's play is it?
Is it mine?
Colonel, you are still dummy!
Look at him!
Not only away from his
post, but also asleep on duty!
That's terrible.
Try this.
Ooh.
What's going on?
What happened?
Gentlemen, I think
it's a grand slam.
Ja, ja, I understand,
Major... Moment, bitte.
An explosion at the
plant Herr General,
touched off a chain
reaction and fire.
It's a catastrophe.
It's terrible!
How bad is it?
Major Hermann reports
the fire is out of control,
a total loss.
Pretty good score.
What was that?
Oh, just talking about the game.
Hogan, we have
no time for bridge.
Forget it, the game is over.
Okay.
If you ever need a fourth again,
be sure to call me.
Huh, that place is
built like Fort Knox.
Yeah, quite a piggy bank.
What goes on there, Olga?
Rocket fuel.
Chemicals are
shipped from Düsseldorf
in truck convoys.
The fuel is made here.
Then they put the
barrels in railway cars.
And away they go to the
launching pads in France.
It has been operating
only a few weeks.
Huh, Colonel...
Security is one thing,
but that's ridiculous.
You think we should radio London
for an air strike?
I guess so,
but it's going to be murder.
Look at these hills.
A low-level attack
would never make it.
We've already given London
the locations of
the flak batteries.
They're going to need it...
This isn't going
to be a milk run.
Colonel... brass arriving.
He's got to be
wheel of some kind.
Yeah, they sure
didn't mess with him.
That is General
von Treger's car.
He's in charge of
the rocket program.
I saw him in Hammelburg.
We know he works on the
rocket installations in France.
An important man,
very close the Führer.
It's a cinch he's not in town
for the bock beer festival.
Let's get back to camp.
Newkirk.
Oh!
Cor blimey, sir,
gave me a fright...
I nearly let you have it.
Glad you're alert...
But your safety catch is on.
Oh, well, you can't be
too careful, can you, sir?
Uh, see you home,
if you like, love.
Oh, isn't that sweet?
Beautiful.
Well, the Germans are
prowling these woods.
He's right...
also, Englishmen prowling.
General von Treger?!
Yes, the General von Treger.
Congratulations,
Herr Kommandant.
Oh, this is a very big fish.
I'm so glad you approve
the General's visit.
Oh, I do, Herr Kommandant.
Thank you, Schultz,
that's gives me
a warm feeling of confidence.
Now...
preparations are to be made:
General von Treger will
be staying in my quarters.
Both of you in one bed?
Alone, Dummkopf.
Now, see to it that
my room is clean,
new curtains,
bedspread, fresh flowers.
Then see to it
that all my things
are taken out of there
and moved into the
orderly room temporarily.
Everything, Herr Kommandant?
Yes.
Also the girlie pictures
on the shelf in the...
I said everything...
Now see to it at once.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant,
it shall be done.
I shall depend
on you, Schultz...
which is a terrible mistake.
Colonel Hogan is here.
Herr Kommandant, Colonel...
Yes, I know... send him in.
Jawohl.
I told you, every
time Hilda giggles...
Oh, shut up.
You have your orders.
Dis... missed.
You want to see me, Commandant?
Yes, I do.
Hogan, one of the
most important men
in Germany today
is visiting Stalag 13.
Old Bubblehead's coming here?
I do not appreciate you calling
our Führer "Old Bubblehead."
Oh... how about "Fruitcake?"
Hogan!
We are to be honored
by the presence
of General von Treger.
That's big brass.
The general has some
very important business
in this part of Germany,
and he's making our little
stalag his headquarters.
Sometimes this war's so
exciting I can hardly stand it.
Hogan, I warn you,
while General von Treger is here
any show of disrespect,
any trouble whatsoever
from you or your men
will be punished unmercifully.
Get out of line just once
and you will regret
it, understood?
Understood.
Now...
I wonder if you
could do me a favor.
You sure know how to ask a guy.
Listen, Hogan...
I understand that
General von Treger
enjoys all the
good things in life.
Then why is he staying here?
He appreciates good wines.
He enjoys gourmet cooking.
I have heard
that he's even a
bit of a ladies man.
Who isn't... in between wars.
Hogan, what I am
trying to ask you...
Would our chef, LeBeau
cook him a special meal?
Exactly.
You're prepared to
make a deal, of course?
I am the commandant here,
I do not make deals
with prisoners of war.
But you would show
your appreciation.
What kind of deal do you want?
I won't ask you for more heat
or hot water in the barracks
or to stop stealing from
our Red Cross packages...
Very sensible.
Because I know I
can get those things.
Two men from Barracks
9 are in the cooler,
Sergeant Schwartz
and Private Mills.
Yes, ten days
solitary confinement
for making rude
noises during roll call.
Commandant, everybody does that.
I know!
An example must be made.
They've served three
day, let them out.
Impossible.
LeBeau might cook two meals.
No!
Commandant... just imagine
the General at
Berchtesgaden sometime
and he says to old Bubblehead...
Sorry, Fruitcake... whatever...
He says, "The best
soufflé I ever had
"was at a Luft Stalag.
"Can't even remember
the name of the town,
but the Commandant..."
All right, all right, all right.
The men will be released.
You're a great humanitarian.
You know, they might even name
the next war after you.
"World War Klink"?
Welcome, General von Treger.
May I say, sir,
my stalag is your stalag.
Thank you for your kind
hospitality, Colonel Klink.
See to the bags.
See to the bags.
Yes, sir!
See to the bags.
From London.
"Air strike at this
time impossible.
"Target now your mission.
Priority one... Good luck."
It's a suicide mission.
Right, machine-gun
emplacements, minefields,
automatic alarm system,
a regiment of elite guards...
impossible, right?
Right.
All right, let's get on with it.
Hold it, hold it, you have pay
piling up back home, right?
Be nice if we could
live to spend it.
Look, get in touch
with the underground tonight.
We're going to
need some planning.
Tell them to send Olga...
She knows the layout.
All right.
Krauts are inspecting
the barracks.
They're headed this way.
All right.
Attention!
At ease!
General, this is Colonel Hogan,
senior POW officer.
Hogan, this is
General von Treger.
These is quite an experience
for me, Colonel.
I don't often meet the
enemy face to face.
Don't worry, General, you will.
Hogan!
Now, General,
these barracks here
are more or less typical.
Typical of what?
Silence!
Seems to be very cozy.
Yes, sir, it does have
sort of a homey
feeling about it.
Same interior decorator
did the main Berlin sewer.
I didn't know that.
Schultz!
By the way, General,
this man here, Corporal LeBeau
is an excellent cook.
I have ordered him to prepare
one or two special meals for you
while you're here.
You did?
Oh, yes, you did.
Good.
Perhaps Colonel Hogan
would join us for dinner?
"Join us"?!
That's what I said.
Yes, sir, General,
that's exactly
what I had in mind.
Excellent.
Perhaps after
dinner, we could have
a rubber or two of
bridge, eh, Colonel?
Thank you, sir.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wieder...
Colonel, are you going
to eat with those Krauts
and play bridge with them?
At least we'll know
where they are
when we blow that plant.
LeBeau, what are you
going to have on the menu?
Mm, maybe beef Stroganoff.
"Beef Stroganoff"?
With the trouble they're
having on the Russian front,
you'd give them beef Stroganoff?
That's cruel.
Oui, I know.
The convoys come down
the Hammelburg road
then turn here to the plant.
The last checkpoint is there.
So if you wanted to
latch onto the convoy
as a late-comer
the logical place would
be right here, huh?
Yes, where they
slow down for the turn.
All right, Newkirk,
Carter, study the map.
You're going to be driving
a German truck
filled with dynamite.
Here's where you
join the convoy.
Well, suppose
they won't let us in?
Well, the Krauts can't be
as unfriendly as
that, for Pete's sake.
Andrew, I'm going to
miss you after the war.
Kinch, can you get us a truck
from the Kraut Sergeant
in the motor pool?
Ten cents a mile.
This one won't come back.
Well, we'll give him 12¢ a mile
and our apologies.
If he squeals on us,
he squeals on himself.
Okay.
Now, here's the way it goes:
Carter, Newkirk,
you wait in the woods
till the convoy passes.
You set the timers
on the dynamite
and you swing into line.
You drive into the plant
with the rest of them,
you leave the truck
and take cover.
How do we get away?
You read my cowardly mind.
When the truck blows,
you should be able to
get out in the confusion.
What if there isn't
enough confusion?
I never said this wasn't
going to be dangerous.
Colonel, we're going to driving
a truckload of dynamite
into that bloody chemical plant.
We could easily get
ourselves blown up.
And I'm going to
be playing bridge
with a roomful of Krauts.
I could very easily
be bored to death.
To General von Treger, prosit.
Prosit.
Prosit!
Schultz...
He got carried away
with emotion, sir.
I'm told there's never been
an escape from this place.
Is that true?
I'm happy to say it is, sir.
We'd be hurt if he tried.
LeBeau, LeBeau!
More wine, quickly, Cockroach!
Very good, excellent.
Thank you, General,
thank you, thank you.
O, monsieur, your
beef Stroganoff
is sheer poetry.
Klink is an animal,
the worst Boche of an
animal that ever lived!
That's also poetry.
I may kill him tonight
with my bare hands
if I ever get the chance.
Don't worry about the dishes,
I'll take care of them.
All clear.
Okay, Carter,
let's get cracking.
Ah... I deal.
Gentlemen, I must
tell you in advance,
I'm not the greatest
bridge player in the world.
Have you ever played
with grownups before, sir?
He's probably an expert.
Right, he may take
us all to the cleaners.
Uh, General, don't you think
you ought to put Hitler
in your wife's name?
Take it easy, Carter,
this thing's loaded
with dynamite!
Sorry.
I hope I didn't spill any.
Four clubs.
I double.
You sure you mean
clubs, Commandant?
Of course I'm sure.
Those are the little black ones
with the knobs on the end.
Prosit.
I pass.
Commandant Klink's quarters.
Oh, it is for you, Herr Kapitän.
Excuse me.
Mm-hmm, yeah, sure, yeah.
Ja.
Ja, all right, hold on.
Herr General, the convoy's
at the final checkpoint.
Any change in orders, sir?
No, I think not.
Have them proceed.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Frau Müller, the
general's orders are to...
Uh, Captain.
Wait.
Have all identification
numbers on the trucks changed
for tonight only.
The numbers should
begin with 100.
Jawohl, Herr General.
Müller, change all code
numbers before proceeding.
Add 100 to the
beginning of each number.
Repeat the order.
Just a little
added security.
Exercise keeps
them on their toes.
Brilliant, sir,
absolutely brilliant.
Oh, I'm sorry!
How clumsy of me.
You certainly are, Hogan.
Schultz, clean up this mess.
I'll get a towel!
And the real secret
is in the sour cream.
Hold it, hold it.
We got troubles.
Von Treger just ordered
the serial numbers
changed on the trucks.
He can't do that.
Kinch, get on your horse.
You got to reach
Newkirk and Carter
before they swing into
line with that convoy.
Tell them the mission's
been scratched.
Okay.
And make it fast,
or they swing into
line with a firing squad.
Gotcha.
Here they come.
Well, it's about time.
All right, get ready to move.
I am, boy.
My palms are
sweating, but I'm ready.
All right, go.
Hey, hold it!
Hold it!
Kinch, Kinch... what happened?
I think I just ran a
four-minute mile.
The mission is scratched.
I didn't use my
head, that's all.
It's no good blaming yourself
for last night,
Colonel, it's done.
I underestimated von Treger.
The mission failed, Colonel,
it's finished and that's that.
Right, sir, we
can't win 'em all.
Is that what you
want, to admit failure?
To walk away from this thing?
Give up?
Forget it?
Yes. Yes.
Good.
I'm glad you want to try again.
Now, what's a definite factor
we can depend on in this job?
We don't know what we're doing.
There are two kinds of vehicles
that get into that plant
without inspection...
The convoy trucks
and General von Treger's car.
So we'll let the general
blow up the plant for us.
Exactly.
LeBeau is going to prepare
another dinner for the general.
Carter?
Yes, sir?
I need a couple of
empty wine cases.
Empty wine cases, sir?
Mm-hmm. I want you to pack them
with enough dynamite to start
a chain-reaction
explosion in the plant.
We'll need a couple of timers
set for about 40 minutes.
Can you do it?
Sure.
Matter of fact, it's kind of
interesting for a change.
Good.
You know, ma'am,
you get kind of tired working
with your average
garden-variety-type
demolition pack, you know,
and your delayed action fuses
and things like that.
So when get a chance
to use new muscle,
you kind of appreciate it...
Carter!
Empty wine cases.
Olga, we'll need
you for this operation.
I'm ready, Colonel.
I want you to wear
your best clothes.
Dress as you would
for an important date.
Now, the rendezvous
point will be right about here.
I want you to stay
out of sight until
General von Treger's
car comes down the road...
Colonel, you did
say the general's car?
Mm-hmm.
General von Treger
is going to take that dynamite
into the plant for us.
But he's going to be so busy
charming one of the local ladies
that nobody's going
to see his face.
Beautiful strategy,
Herr General, beautiful.
He hasn't played a card yet.
The coq au vin
was superb, Klink.
Thank you, sir.
I must say, you do
yourself well here.
Well, we always try
to do our best, sir.
Thank you, thank you, LeBeau.
Mmm, excellent port.
Thank you, Herr
General, thank you.
For me?
With Colonel
Hogan's compliments.
Oh, he's so nice.
Ah!
He always thinks
of the little man.
What's that got to do with you?
Hey, Fritz!
A little wine?
Rock-a-bye Kraut.
LeBEAU: Ready, Colonel.
Let's go.
That was an excellent dinner,
my good man, danke schön.
Merci. Bon voyage, Herr Général.
Colonel.
Yeah?
That stuff won't keep
them asleep too long.
An hour, maybe a little more.
That's all we'll
need if we're lucky.
If they should wake
up and you're not back?
Tell them to start the
next hand without me.
Hey, you look smashing, love.
Thank you, General.
Hey, when we get near the
plant, you two go into a clinch.
Right, sir.
Not yet.
Just a bit of practice, sir.
You don't need practice.
Herr General.
Hide your face, Newkirk.
I'll be back in a minute.
Right, Colonel.
Oh, and sir, take your time.
There's no need
to rush, you know.
Colonel...
Now, I told you it
might be dangerous.
Yes, Herr General,
I'll take care of it at once.
Guard!
Get this wine in the office.
And you... help him.
"Captain Hoganhoffer"?
Mm-hmm.
What happened to Captain Moss?
Reassigned to Berlin.
I'm the general's new aide.
Here, put it over on the table.
This is wine for
the officer's mess,
a gift from the general.
It's not to be opened until
the party Saturday night.
The party?
Goering's birthday,
in case you forgot.
Oh, yes, of course,
Goering's birthday.
The general would
have presented it himself,
but he's busy at the moment.
Heil Hitler.
Ring Major Hermann's
quarters at once.
Stop that car!
I called Major Hermann,
the plant commander.
He's coming here to thank
the general personally.
Major Hermann is going to
show his appreciation personally?
Putzie, darling, ask
them to close the window.
It's chilly.
Captain, close the window!
Drive on, schnell!
Jawohl, General.
"Putzie"?
Uh, "Putzie, darling."
Uh, tell Major Hermann
the general was in
conference and couldn't wait.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Take care.
Bye-bye.
Well, how did it go?
No problems.
The wine's delivered
and ticking away.
One for you, one for me.
Okay, let's get them up.
Sleeping like babies.
Yeah.
My baby's still
wearing his monocle.
Well...
I must have dozed
off for a moment.
Yeah, I also.
Well, who's play is it?
Is it mine?
Colonel, you are still dummy!
Look at him!
Not only away from his
post, but also asleep on duty!
That's terrible.
Try this.
Ooh.
What's going on?
What happened?
Gentlemen, I think
it's a grand slam.
Ja, ja, I understand,
Major... Moment, bitte.
An explosion at the
plant Herr General,
touched off a chain
reaction and fire.
It's a catastrophe.
It's terrible!
How bad is it?
Major Hermann reports
the fire is out of control,
a total loss.
Pretty good score.
What was that?
Oh, just talking about the game.
Hogan, we have
no time for bridge.
Forget it, the game is over.
Okay.
If you ever need a fourth again,
be sure to call me.