Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 6 - Man's Best Friend Is Not His Dog - full transcript
Hogan's crew is chasing a dog around after it buries a bone that contains negatives of a new German tank.
Mm-hmm...
Anything interesting, Colonel?
Yeah, might be...
It's from Burkhalter.
It's an order to
keep all prisoners
in the barracks
today until 4:00.
Why?
Doesn't say.
I wonder what it is
they don't want us to see.
I'm curious myself.
I'll put this back
on Klink's desk...
after 4:00.
Hey, look what I found.
You'd better lose him, quick.
I thought we'd
keep him for a pet.
Come on, you know
the camp rules...
We're not allowed to have pets.
You see, he knows
what you're saying.
Sorry, I don't
make up the rules.
Can we please keep him, Colonel?
He's a great watchdog.
LeBeau, this is a prison camp...
Nobody's breaking in.
You're going to
have to get rid of him.
Sorry, old-timer.
Oh, it's a rotten shame.
It'd be fun to have a dog.
What are we doing inside?
The schedule calls
for calisthenics.
Schultz, we're getting a
little bored with the pushups.
We're planning a
different kind of exercise.
What do you have in mind?
A cross-country run.
Hmm, yeah, yeah...
Running in the fresh air,
it's very good exercise...
Out of the question,
absolutely out of the question.
What was that?
Now you're supposed to guess.
I'll do the imitation again.
That's a dog!
Right... give that man a cigar.
Now, for my next imitation...
Ah, that animal is
against the rules!
But you have dogs in camp.
Those are killers.
To keep a dog for pleasure
is not permitted.
All right, hold it.
We're just going to
have to cut Schultz in.
You familiar with this breed?
With that?
It's a little bit of
this, a little bit of that.
You hit it right on the head.
A lot of dogs have two
or three different breeds.
That dog has five percent
of 20 different breeds.
There's only three
like him in the world.
He's worth a fortune.
Is that right?
But... if he is so valuable,
how come you have him?
Well, the dog doesn't
belong to us, he's lost.
And the owner has offered
a reward for his return...
100 marks.
100 marks for that?
What are we waiting for?
Let's collect the reward.
What's the rush?
It will go up to 500 marks,
and we're partners.
Who would be that stupid
to give so much money?
General Brechschneider?
Yup, he is that stupid.
Now, Hogan, we are partners?
We have a contract.
Coochie-coochie...
Colonel, does that
mean I can keep him?
Of course not.
Only until General
Brechschneider pays
the reward of 500 marks.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One...
Wow, look at the
size of those tanks.
No wonder they wanted
us to stay in the barracks.
It's their newest
model, mounted 88s.
Heavier armor plate,
faster, bigger tracks.
Be nice if the Allies
knew about this.
Carter... now.
Okay, Colonel.
Oh, it's the heat!
It's worse.
Oh, I feel like I...
Carter!
Just faint.
All right, all
right, give him air.
It must have been
the cold that caused it.
All right, Carter,
out with the camera, quick.
I want a lot of pictures.
Keep them coming,
and don't stop.
I want plenty of
them, get them all.
LeBEAU: Here comes
the commandant.
All right, watch out, quick.
Attention!
Everybody, attention!
What's going on here?
Why isn't this man at attention?
I believe he's
fainted, commandant.
That's no excuse...
That's very unmilitary.
I'll speak sharply to
him when he comes to.
Aha!
The new tanks.
Oh, is that your new ones, sir?
I hadn't noticed.
You wouldn't notice
till they walked right
up to you and bit you.
What are your men doing here?
Just following your
orders about calisthenics...
You know, mens
sana in corpore sano...
A sound mind in a sound body.
You don't have
to translate to me;
I understand French.
It's Latin.
Your accent is terrible.
Go on with your calisthenics!
All right, let's have it!
Exercises!
Mmm, there is no word
from General Brechschneider
about the dog, huh?
Not yet, but the
longer he waits,
the higher the reward will be.
Exercises!
Exercises...
All right, Carter.
Keep taking pictures.
I'll try to keep Klink
from wandering around.
Get plenty of them.
Come in, come in.
Yes, Hogan, what is it?
I, uh, I, um...
You know, Hogan,
I didn't like that man fainting.
That doesn't look very good.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I think he needs a rest.
Oh, you do, huh?
Mm-hmm.
How about a resort
in the Swiss Alps?
I understand the
skiing is very good
this time of year.
Sounds good.
Seems to me a warmer climate...
Say, uh, the French
Riviera would be good.
Oh... how about a real vacation,
maybe a few weeks in Berlin?
No, from what I hear,
it's too hot for anyone
in Berlin right now.
Missed a spot by
your sideburn, sir.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Hogan, let me remind
you of something...
Oh, oh, General Burkhalter.
What a pleasure to see you, sir.
Klink, how is it
that you get so
much more pleasure
out of seeing me
than I do out of seeing you?
Because you're
a better man, sir.
You're much more
of a human being.
You have wonderful qualities...
Klink, shut up
and wipe your face.
Wipe my face...
Oh, I was shaving, sir, shaving.
Glad to hear it...
I thought you had rabies.
"Rabies..." oh,
that's a good one.
Very funny, "rabies."
What are those prisoners
doing at the fence?
Exercising, sir.
That's just part of my program.
You know the old
Latin saying, uh...
Mens sana in corpore sano.
That's the one.
So you thought that
was more important
than the special order
I sent this morning
telling you to
keep the prisoners
in their barracks?!
Sir, I didn't get any order.
I give you my word of honor
as an officer and a
gentleman, I received nothing.
Please, please, take
a look for yourself, sir.
Now, there was no order in here.
Now, you know very well
I would never overlook...
Tell me, Mr. Officer
and Gentleman,
how did this get here?
Was it left by the Good Fairy?
I, I...
Klink!
The High Command wanted
a certain operation
as secret as possible.
Well!
I can assure you,
General Burkhalter,
nothing gets out of this prison.
Don't be too sure.
You may be getting out.
Sir, the prisoners
did not see a thing.
I can assure you.
Colonel Hogan,
you were with them;
now, you didn't see
any new tanks, did you?
Not until you called
them to my attention, sir.
Allied High Command in London.
They want the pictures of
the new tanks right away, huh?
"An agent will pick them up.
Wait for contact with
a 'Rumpelstiltskin.'"
Who is Rumpelstiltskin?
Well, since he's going
to get in touch with us,
it's someone who's
in camp right now...
Or is coming here.
All done.
And a good job, if
I do say so myself.
Yeah... very good.
This all you took?
Yeah, well, Schultz
came, you know,
and chased us
back to the barracks.
I was going to put
another roll in the camera,
but I didn't have time...
Oh, boy.
What's the matter?
I left the camera
near the fence.
Of all the idiotic things.
If they find that
camera before we do,
we're in trouble.
I think I'm really
going to faint.
No film.
Exactly where did you find this?
Near the fence, Herr Kommandant.
Where the men were exercising?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant,
if nobody claims it,
may I keep it?
Don't worry,
somebody will claim it.
Oh, you know who owns it?
Of course I know.
But he doesn't know that I know,
which means that I know
what he doesn't know.
Do you know what that means?
That I don't get the camera.
Stupid... that means
that I am much smarter
than Colonel Hogan.
This time he's gone too far.
If you're worried about
them finding that camera,
all we have to do is
deny we ever saw it.
Yeah, it's their word
against ours, sir.
It isn't that simple.
Once Klink's
suspicion is aroused,
it's going to make
it that much harder
for Rumpelstiltskin
to contact us.
In the meantime, until
we know exactly where,
when and with whom
the contact is being made,
I'm going to carry this film
around with me all the time.
It does make it a problem.
Sticky wicket.
Go on, say it!
It's all my fault.
Why don't you say it?
All right, it's all your fault.
It is?
You mean it?
Of course not, Carter,
it was an accident...
Could have happened to anyone.
If we weren't ordered
to stay in the barracks,
we could find that camera, sir.
Just have to wait
and play it by ear.
I feel just awful.
It really was my fault.
Hi, Schultz.
It's all right, it's all right.
You don't have to get up,
it's just a social visit.
Everybody feel good?
Mm-hmm.
Good!
Must have heard some
bad news about somebody
to feel so good.
I know nothing... nothing.
I wouldn't call that
a secret, Schultz.
Mmm, something smells very good.
Schultz...
Now, please, please.
Mmm...
It needs a little bit more salt.
What's the matter with him?
You're eating his dinner.
Don't worry, there's
plenty left for you.
When are we going
to collect the reward?
Oh, we're waiting
for General Steiner
to make a better offer.
"General Steiner"?
You told me
Breckschneider owns the dog.
Oh, well, they're partners.
I mean, a valuable dog like that
couldn't be owned
by one man, Schultz.
Well, to me he looks
like an ordinary dog.
Well, to some people,
a diamond looks
like a piece of glass.
Well, then, make it
as fast as possible.
You know the regulations.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, what was it
I wanted to tell you?
What was it?
What was it?!
Worst acting I've ever seen.
Mmm!
Ah...
It was on the tip of my brain.
What was it?
Ah... now I remember.
Yeah, I thought you would.
The commandant wants
you to clean up the yard.
Any particular area, Schultz?
Yeah, wait a
minute, let me think.
Where we were exercising today?
Yeah, and he doesn't want you
to miss any cigarette butts.
Okay.
Well, we know
where the camera is.
Where?
Right where you left it.
Klink found it, put
it back to trap us.
Come on, let's go.
What are we going
to do, Colonel?
For one thing, do a better
job of acting than he just did.
All right, I want all these
cigarette butts picked up.
All of them?
All of them.
Okay.
You know, we're supposed
to be prisoners of war,
not domestics, sir.
That's right, you tell him.
Just get them all.
Even the paper, sir?
All of them.
Want to be proud of this camp.
Oh, right, right.
Yeah, sure.
Here we go, then.
Hey!
Look what I found.
It's a camera, isn't it?
LeBEAU: Looks like a camera.
Yeah, I wonder whose it is.
It's not mine.
I don't know, it looks
like an expensive one.
Newkirk?
Sir?
Take this to Klink's office.
Someone may be
looking for it, huh?
Never mind! Hold it!
Colonel Klink.
Oh, you saved me a trip, sir,
I was going to take this
camera to your office.
That's right, some
idiot left it here.
Careful what you are saying.
The idiot you are talking about
is Commandant Klink.
Schultz!
You shouldn't leave an expensive
camera like that laying around.
Neither should you.
Colonel, what are
you talking about?
Hogan, don't play games with me,
just tell me that
this is your camera.
Okay, it's my camera.
Aha!
Then you admit it.
No, you asked me
to tell you and I did.
Is there anything else
you want me to tell you?
All right, Hogan,
if you say it's not your camera,
we'll let it go just at that.
No hard feelings?
None at all, sir.
Uh-huh.
Schultz.
Klink isn't going to
rest until he gets this.
Weren't you afraid
he would search you?
Not a chance...
He's sure I wouldn't
be foolish enough
to carry it with me.
We should have searched him.
He certainly would not
be carrying the film on him.
Wouldn't he be hiding it?
We are going to surprise
Hogan when he least expects it.
Get a few men, and
in exactly one hour
be ready to make
a thorough search.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
Colonel Klink speaking.
This is General Burkhalter.
Ah, General Burkhalter, this
is indeed a great pleasure.
Klink, stop with the pleasure.
Sir, I cannot help
myself, I must be honest.
Get your camp in order.
Tomorrow morning,
the Swiss Prison Commission
is paying you a visit
and I want a favorable report.
Don't worry, sir, I'm ready
at all time for an inspection.
Pick out some special
prisoners for them to interview,
ones you can depend
on to say they are happy.
And make sure nobody
is in solitary confinement.
It's as good as
done, Herr General.
And may I say
to you, sir, that...
Prussian.
Oh, don't tell me
you're going to feed
that swill to that poor dog.
It isn't for him;
this is our dinner.
What is it?
I never know till I finish it.
Oh, it'll be the
finish of us, mate.
I suppose nobody by the name
of "Rumpelstiltskin" showed up?
No, we've had two "Rumpelmeyers"
and a "Meyerrumpel," that's all.
He'll show up sooner or later.
Yeah, well, we're
running out of time.
I don't feel safe
with this film on me.
Any minute now,
Klink will show up and...
Attention!
The Commandant is here!
There he is.
Nobody move!
Stay right where you are.
I want every inch of
this place searched,
and the men, too.
Now, don't miss a
thing, look everywhere.
Search the footlockers,
the mattresses.
I don't want you
to miss anything.
What was that dog doing here?
He didn't say.
Search everybody!
Okay.
Looking for anything
in particular?
We'd be glad to help, sir.
I mean, give us a clue.
Is it animal,
vegetable, mineral?
Put them all in the cooler!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
We'll see if they feel
like making jokes there.
Wait!
They don't go into the cooler?
No.
The Swiss Prison Commission
is coming tomorrow.
Now, after they go,
we'll take care of it.
Now get this place cleaned up.
There may be an
inspection later.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Clean up this place!
Aye, Schultz.
Hey, what'd you do
with the film, Colonel?
Must have had a
great hiding place...
They searched everywhere.
I put it in the bone
the dog ran off with.
I told you he was a smart dog.
Colonel, do you think
that Swiss Commission...
I do... Rumpelstiltskin
is one of them.
It all fits perfectly.
Hey, speaking of
the dog, where is he?
There he is.
LeBEAU: There's my little baby.
Where's the bone?
I'll send him to find it.
Okay...
show us where you hid the bone.
Go on, baby, we'll
give the bone back.
Come on, show us.
Maybe if we gave
him another bone,
he'd take it to the same place.
Good idea.
Here you are, baby, take it.
That's a good boy.
Hey, hey, come on, come on.
Right here.
Huh? Huh?
Hey, hey, hey. Huh?
Not this one.
The one you took from me before.
The one I gave you
back in the barracks.
You can trust us.
Please show us where it is.
Ah, welcome to Stalag 13.
This is indeed a great
pleasure, a privilege...
This is Colonel Klink.
Herr Kommandant,
Herr Kraft.
Herr Kraft.
Monsieur Bonner.
Monsieur Bonner.
Of the Swiss Prison Commission.
And Hanna Vogel,
deputy leader of the
Nazi Youth Group.
She's escorting them to
the different prison camps.
If I had known that
you were coming here,
I would have prepared this camp.
Of course, you
see it as it really is.
Klink, they know I
called you yesterday
to say they were coming.
Oh.
It, uh, must have
slipped my mind.
I think it is criminal
to keep the prisoners in luxury
while our men are
fighting at the front.
I quite agree.
Uh, but, uh, the
laws of humanity
must always be
observed, of course.
The prisoners, they
get enough to eat?
Oh, indeed they do.
As a matter of fact, they
eat the same food I do,
and, uh, you can see I
am in tip-top condition.
I eat the same food, too.
Naturally, he eats more.
Do you have any men
in solitary confinement?
Of course not.
To tell you the truth,
I don't even know
where those cells are.
That's how much we use them.
Gentlemen, I know
you are short of time.
Suppose we start the inspection.
Follow me.
Well, looks like we've had it...
He's going to sleep for a week.
And he calls himself
"Man's Best Friend."
They finished the inspection.
They're heading back
to Klink's quarters.
Well, that does it.
Better get over and
tell Rumpelstiltskin...
Whoever he is...
We don't have the film.
Break it to him gently, Colonel.
Merci.
Everything seems to be in order.
Yes, from what I've seen,
I have no complaints.
Gentlemen...
I try to make my prison
as homelike as possible.
I often ask myself, "What
would I want if I were a prisoner?"
And then I answer myself.
I say, "Klink"...
That's my name, "Klink."
I say...
That's enough, Klink.
But I am not satisfied.
Believe me...
the Führer is going to hear
how soft they have it here.
How they even have showers.
Cold showers.
Ooh... there is one
thing we didn't do.
We are supposed to
interview a prisoner.
Certainly.
Schultz, go to Barracks G and...
Hogan?
Very sorry, sir, I didn't
realize you're entertaining.
Out, dismissed.
No, no, wait, Colonel Klink.
We will talk to this prisoner.
Colonel Hogan?
Oh, sir, I have a much
better man for you.
Very intelligent,
let me get him.
Schultz, please.
No.
This man will do.
He is supposed to
be picked at random.
Of course, but you see,
this man in Barracks G,
oh, you just won't find
anyone more random, sir.
Schultz, please.
Colonel Hogan?
These men are from the
Swiss Prison Commission.
They would like to talk to you.
I'll be happy to tell them
whatever they want to know.
I'm sure Colonel Hogan
has a million things to do.
Let me find someone
who is not so busy.
Schultz, please.
I haven't anything to do.
I'm entirely at your disposal.
Good. Good.
Now, tell me, do you
have any complaints?
Well...
Excuse me, I have a cold.
Rumpelstiltskin!
Standing around
without any clothes on
and I seem to
have caught a cold.
What were you
doing without clothes?
He's a sun worshipper.
He just can't get enough sun.
In this weather?
That's what I said to
him: "In this weather?"
Rumpelstiltskin!
Now, I ask you,
do you have anything
to complain of?
Well, uh...
Actually, I have
nothing to complain of.
You see, gentlemen,
Colonel Hogan is
truly a representative
of our camp as a whole.
Oh, thank you, Colonel Hogan.
Dismissed.
If you gentlemen are through,
will you please sign
the inspection report?
Oh, certainly.
Now you show up.
Colonel Hogan?
You are supposed to
be standing at attention.
Why? Because I'm talking
to one of the "master race"?
I could have you shot
for talking to me like that.
I'll bet you would, too.
Tell me, what's a nice girl like
you doing in a place like this?
I came here...
to meet a friend.
Is that right?
Rumpelstiltskin.
You're Rumpelstiltskin?
Better give me the film
before they come out.
I haven't got it.
Where is it?
Ask this silly dog.
They were searching us and he...
Shh.
Here they come.
Ah, General
Burkhalter, this has been
a most enjoyable visit.
I wish we had more time
to just sit around and...
Good-bye, Klink.
You see?
That is why
we have a rule against dogs.
Naughty, naughty.
I will get rid of that dog
right away, sir.
Schultz?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Get that dog out of here.
I have a better idea.
Fräulein, do you like dogs?
Why, ja, I do.
Please accept this one
as a gift from the
boys here at Stalag 13.
Uh, here, you may as well
take along his
favorite bone, too.
I'll just put it in
your doggy bag.
Why, uh, thank you very much.
Sergeant Schultz?
Tell the others we
are ready to leave.
After you've had him awhile,
you'll develop a
real affection for him.
What is his name?
"Rumpelstiltskin."
Hogan, I appreciate
that what you told them
helped me get the highest rating
we've ever had in this camp.
But.
But there is still the matter
of the missing film
from the camera,
and I'm going to report
that to General Burkhalter.
When Burkhalter finds out
you think there was a film
and you haven't got it,
you're really going
to be in big trouble...
Whether there
is any film or not.
So far, it's only in your mind.
Do you want to put it in his?
If only I could be sure.
Could have saved
yourself a lot of trouble
if you'd just asked
me two questions
which I would have
answered truthfully.
What questions?
Well, if before you
started the search,
you had come to me and said,
"Colonel Hogan, do
you have the film?"
I would have
said, "No, I do not."
And then if you had said,
"Do you know where the film is?"
I would have
said, "No, I do not."
And I give you my word
it would have been the truth.
I believe you.
But there's another question:
"Was there any film?"
Sorry... only answer
two questions at a time.
Anything interesting, Colonel?
Yeah, might be...
It's from Burkhalter.
It's an order to
keep all prisoners
in the barracks
today until 4:00.
Why?
Doesn't say.
I wonder what it is
they don't want us to see.
I'm curious myself.
I'll put this back
on Klink's desk...
after 4:00.
Hey, look what I found.
You'd better lose him, quick.
I thought we'd
keep him for a pet.
Come on, you know
the camp rules...
We're not allowed to have pets.
You see, he knows
what you're saying.
Sorry, I don't
make up the rules.
Can we please keep him, Colonel?
He's a great watchdog.
LeBeau, this is a prison camp...
Nobody's breaking in.
You're going to
have to get rid of him.
Sorry, old-timer.
Oh, it's a rotten shame.
It'd be fun to have a dog.
What are we doing inside?
The schedule calls
for calisthenics.
Schultz, we're getting a
little bored with the pushups.
We're planning a
different kind of exercise.
What do you have in mind?
A cross-country run.
Hmm, yeah, yeah...
Running in the fresh air,
it's very good exercise...
Out of the question,
absolutely out of the question.
What was that?
Now you're supposed to guess.
I'll do the imitation again.
That's a dog!
Right... give that man a cigar.
Now, for my next imitation...
Ah, that animal is
against the rules!
But you have dogs in camp.
Those are killers.
To keep a dog for pleasure
is not permitted.
All right, hold it.
We're just going to
have to cut Schultz in.
You familiar with this breed?
With that?
It's a little bit of
this, a little bit of that.
You hit it right on the head.
A lot of dogs have two
or three different breeds.
That dog has five percent
of 20 different breeds.
There's only three
like him in the world.
He's worth a fortune.
Is that right?
But... if he is so valuable,
how come you have him?
Well, the dog doesn't
belong to us, he's lost.
And the owner has offered
a reward for his return...
100 marks.
100 marks for that?
What are we waiting for?
Let's collect the reward.
What's the rush?
It will go up to 500 marks,
and we're partners.
Who would be that stupid
to give so much money?
General Brechschneider?
Yup, he is that stupid.
Now, Hogan, we are partners?
We have a contract.
Coochie-coochie...
Colonel, does that
mean I can keep him?
Of course not.
Only until General
Brechschneider pays
the reward of 500 marks.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One...
Wow, look at the
size of those tanks.
No wonder they wanted
us to stay in the barracks.
It's their newest
model, mounted 88s.
Heavier armor plate,
faster, bigger tracks.
Be nice if the Allies
knew about this.
Carter... now.
Okay, Colonel.
Oh, it's the heat!
It's worse.
Oh, I feel like I...
Carter!
Just faint.
All right, all
right, give him air.
It must have been
the cold that caused it.
All right, Carter,
out with the camera, quick.
I want a lot of pictures.
Keep them coming,
and don't stop.
I want plenty of
them, get them all.
LeBEAU: Here comes
the commandant.
All right, watch out, quick.
Attention!
Everybody, attention!
What's going on here?
Why isn't this man at attention?
I believe he's
fainted, commandant.
That's no excuse...
That's very unmilitary.
I'll speak sharply to
him when he comes to.
Aha!
The new tanks.
Oh, is that your new ones, sir?
I hadn't noticed.
You wouldn't notice
till they walked right
up to you and bit you.
What are your men doing here?
Just following your
orders about calisthenics...
You know, mens
sana in corpore sano...
A sound mind in a sound body.
You don't have
to translate to me;
I understand French.
It's Latin.
Your accent is terrible.
Go on with your calisthenics!
All right, let's have it!
Exercises!
Mmm, there is no word
from General Brechschneider
about the dog, huh?
Not yet, but the
longer he waits,
the higher the reward will be.
Exercises!
Exercises...
All right, Carter.
Keep taking pictures.
I'll try to keep Klink
from wandering around.
Get plenty of them.
Come in, come in.
Yes, Hogan, what is it?
I, uh, I, um...
You know, Hogan,
I didn't like that man fainting.
That doesn't look very good.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
I think he needs a rest.
Oh, you do, huh?
Mm-hmm.
How about a resort
in the Swiss Alps?
I understand the
skiing is very good
this time of year.
Sounds good.
Seems to me a warmer climate...
Say, uh, the French
Riviera would be good.
Oh... how about a real vacation,
maybe a few weeks in Berlin?
No, from what I hear,
it's too hot for anyone
in Berlin right now.
Missed a spot by
your sideburn, sir.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Hogan, let me remind
you of something...
Oh, oh, General Burkhalter.
What a pleasure to see you, sir.
Klink, how is it
that you get so
much more pleasure
out of seeing me
than I do out of seeing you?
Because you're
a better man, sir.
You're much more
of a human being.
You have wonderful qualities...
Klink, shut up
and wipe your face.
Wipe my face...
Oh, I was shaving, sir, shaving.
Glad to hear it...
I thought you had rabies.
"Rabies..." oh,
that's a good one.
Very funny, "rabies."
What are those prisoners
doing at the fence?
Exercising, sir.
That's just part of my program.
You know the old
Latin saying, uh...
Mens sana in corpore sano.
That's the one.
So you thought that
was more important
than the special order
I sent this morning
telling you to
keep the prisoners
in their barracks?!
Sir, I didn't get any order.
I give you my word of honor
as an officer and a
gentleman, I received nothing.
Please, please, take
a look for yourself, sir.
Now, there was no order in here.
Now, you know very well
I would never overlook...
Tell me, Mr. Officer
and Gentleman,
how did this get here?
Was it left by the Good Fairy?
I, I...
Klink!
The High Command wanted
a certain operation
as secret as possible.
Well!
I can assure you,
General Burkhalter,
nothing gets out of this prison.
Don't be too sure.
You may be getting out.
Sir, the prisoners
did not see a thing.
I can assure you.
Colonel Hogan,
you were with them;
now, you didn't see
any new tanks, did you?
Not until you called
them to my attention, sir.
Allied High Command in London.
They want the pictures of
the new tanks right away, huh?
"An agent will pick them up.
Wait for contact with
a 'Rumpelstiltskin.'"
Who is Rumpelstiltskin?
Well, since he's going
to get in touch with us,
it's someone who's
in camp right now...
Or is coming here.
All done.
And a good job, if
I do say so myself.
Yeah... very good.
This all you took?
Yeah, well, Schultz
came, you know,
and chased us
back to the barracks.
I was going to put
another roll in the camera,
but I didn't have time...
Oh, boy.
What's the matter?
I left the camera
near the fence.
Of all the idiotic things.
If they find that
camera before we do,
we're in trouble.
I think I'm really
going to faint.
No film.
Exactly where did you find this?
Near the fence, Herr Kommandant.
Where the men were exercising?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Herr Kommandant,
if nobody claims it,
may I keep it?
Don't worry,
somebody will claim it.
Oh, you know who owns it?
Of course I know.
But he doesn't know that I know,
which means that I know
what he doesn't know.
Do you know what that means?
That I don't get the camera.
Stupid... that means
that I am much smarter
than Colonel Hogan.
This time he's gone too far.
If you're worried about
them finding that camera,
all we have to do is
deny we ever saw it.
Yeah, it's their word
against ours, sir.
It isn't that simple.
Once Klink's
suspicion is aroused,
it's going to make
it that much harder
for Rumpelstiltskin
to contact us.
In the meantime, until
we know exactly where,
when and with whom
the contact is being made,
I'm going to carry this film
around with me all the time.
It does make it a problem.
Sticky wicket.
Go on, say it!
It's all my fault.
Why don't you say it?
All right, it's all your fault.
It is?
You mean it?
Of course not, Carter,
it was an accident...
Could have happened to anyone.
If we weren't ordered
to stay in the barracks,
we could find that camera, sir.
Just have to wait
and play it by ear.
I feel just awful.
It really was my fault.
Hi, Schultz.
It's all right, it's all right.
You don't have to get up,
it's just a social visit.
Everybody feel good?
Mm-hmm.
Good!
Must have heard some
bad news about somebody
to feel so good.
I know nothing... nothing.
I wouldn't call that
a secret, Schultz.
Mmm, something smells very good.
Schultz...
Now, please, please.
Mmm...
It needs a little bit more salt.
What's the matter with him?
You're eating his dinner.
Don't worry, there's
plenty left for you.
When are we going
to collect the reward?
Oh, we're waiting
for General Steiner
to make a better offer.
"General Steiner"?
You told me
Breckschneider owns the dog.
Oh, well, they're partners.
I mean, a valuable dog like that
couldn't be owned
by one man, Schultz.
Well, to me he looks
like an ordinary dog.
Well, to some people,
a diamond looks
like a piece of glass.
Well, then, make it
as fast as possible.
You know the regulations.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, what was it
I wanted to tell you?
What was it?
What was it?!
Worst acting I've ever seen.
Mmm!
Ah...
It was on the tip of my brain.
What was it?
Ah... now I remember.
Yeah, I thought you would.
The commandant wants
you to clean up the yard.
Any particular area, Schultz?
Yeah, wait a
minute, let me think.
Where we were exercising today?
Yeah, and he doesn't want you
to miss any cigarette butts.
Okay.
Well, we know
where the camera is.
Where?
Right where you left it.
Klink found it, put
it back to trap us.
Come on, let's go.
What are we going
to do, Colonel?
For one thing, do a better
job of acting than he just did.
All right, I want all these
cigarette butts picked up.
All of them?
All of them.
Okay.
You know, we're supposed
to be prisoners of war,
not domestics, sir.
That's right, you tell him.
Just get them all.
Even the paper, sir?
All of them.
Want to be proud of this camp.
Oh, right, right.
Yeah, sure.
Here we go, then.
Hey!
Look what I found.
It's a camera, isn't it?
LeBEAU: Looks like a camera.
Yeah, I wonder whose it is.
It's not mine.
I don't know, it looks
like an expensive one.
Newkirk?
Sir?
Take this to Klink's office.
Someone may be
looking for it, huh?
Never mind! Hold it!
Colonel Klink.
Oh, you saved me a trip, sir,
I was going to take this
camera to your office.
That's right, some
idiot left it here.
Careful what you are saying.
The idiot you are talking about
is Commandant Klink.
Schultz!
You shouldn't leave an expensive
camera like that laying around.
Neither should you.
Colonel, what are
you talking about?
Hogan, don't play games with me,
just tell me that
this is your camera.
Okay, it's my camera.
Aha!
Then you admit it.
No, you asked me
to tell you and I did.
Is there anything else
you want me to tell you?
All right, Hogan,
if you say it's not your camera,
we'll let it go just at that.
No hard feelings?
None at all, sir.
Uh-huh.
Schultz.
Klink isn't going to
rest until he gets this.
Weren't you afraid
he would search you?
Not a chance...
He's sure I wouldn't
be foolish enough
to carry it with me.
We should have searched him.
He certainly would not
be carrying the film on him.
Wouldn't he be hiding it?
We are going to surprise
Hogan when he least expects it.
Get a few men, and
in exactly one hour
be ready to make
a thorough search.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!
Colonel Klink speaking.
This is General Burkhalter.
Ah, General Burkhalter, this
is indeed a great pleasure.
Klink, stop with the pleasure.
Sir, I cannot help
myself, I must be honest.
Get your camp in order.
Tomorrow morning,
the Swiss Prison Commission
is paying you a visit
and I want a favorable report.
Don't worry, sir, I'm ready
at all time for an inspection.
Pick out some special
prisoners for them to interview,
ones you can depend
on to say they are happy.
And make sure nobody
is in solitary confinement.
It's as good as
done, Herr General.
And may I say
to you, sir, that...
Prussian.
Oh, don't tell me
you're going to feed
that swill to that poor dog.
It isn't for him;
this is our dinner.
What is it?
I never know till I finish it.
Oh, it'll be the
finish of us, mate.
I suppose nobody by the name
of "Rumpelstiltskin" showed up?
No, we've had two "Rumpelmeyers"
and a "Meyerrumpel," that's all.
He'll show up sooner or later.
Yeah, well, we're
running out of time.
I don't feel safe
with this film on me.
Any minute now,
Klink will show up and...
Attention!
The Commandant is here!
There he is.
Nobody move!
Stay right where you are.
I want every inch of
this place searched,
and the men, too.
Now, don't miss a
thing, look everywhere.
Search the footlockers,
the mattresses.
I don't want you
to miss anything.
What was that dog doing here?
He didn't say.
Search everybody!
Okay.
Looking for anything
in particular?
We'd be glad to help, sir.
I mean, give us a clue.
Is it animal,
vegetable, mineral?
Put them all in the cooler!
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
We'll see if they feel
like making jokes there.
Wait!
They don't go into the cooler?
No.
The Swiss Prison Commission
is coming tomorrow.
Now, after they go,
we'll take care of it.
Now get this place cleaned up.
There may be an
inspection later.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Clean up this place!
Aye, Schultz.
Hey, what'd you do
with the film, Colonel?
Must have had a
great hiding place...
They searched everywhere.
I put it in the bone
the dog ran off with.
I told you he was a smart dog.
Colonel, do you think
that Swiss Commission...
I do... Rumpelstiltskin
is one of them.
It all fits perfectly.
Hey, speaking of
the dog, where is he?
There he is.
LeBEAU: There's my little baby.
Where's the bone?
I'll send him to find it.
Okay...
show us where you hid the bone.
Go on, baby, we'll
give the bone back.
Come on, show us.
Maybe if we gave
him another bone,
he'd take it to the same place.
Good idea.
Here you are, baby, take it.
That's a good boy.
Hey, hey, come on, come on.
Right here.
Huh? Huh?
Hey, hey, hey. Huh?
Not this one.
The one you took from me before.
The one I gave you
back in the barracks.
You can trust us.
Please show us where it is.
Ah, welcome to Stalag 13.
This is indeed a great
pleasure, a privilege...
This is Colonel Klink.
Herr Kommandant,
Herr Kraft.
Herr Kraft.
Monsieur Bonner.
Monsieur Bonner.
Of the Swiss Prison Commission.
And Hanna Vogel,
deputy leader of the
Nazi Youth Group.
She's escorting them to
the different prison camps.
If I had known that
you were coming here,
I would have prepared this camp.
Of course, you
see it as it really is.
Klink, they know I
called you yesterday
to say they were coming.
Oh.
It, uh, must have
slipped my mind.
I think it is criminal
to keep the prisoners in luxury
while our men are
fighting at the front.
I quite agree.
Uh, but, uh, the
laws of humanity
must always be
observed, of course.
The prisoners, they
get enough to eat?
Oh, indeed they do.
As a matter of fact, they
eat the same food I do,
and, uh, you can see I
am in tip-top condition.
I eat the same food, too.
Naturally, he eats more.
Do you have any men
in solitary confinement?
Of course not.
To tell you the truth,
I don't even know
where those cells are.
That's how much we use them.
Gentlemen, I know
you are short of time.
Suppose we start the inspection.
Follow me.
Well, looks like we've had it...
He's going to sleep for a week.
And he calls himself
"Man's Best Friend."
They finished the inspection.
They're heading back
to Klink's quarters.
Well, that does it.
Better get over and
tell Rumpelstiltskin...
Whoever he is...
We don't have the film.
Break it to him gently, Colonel.
Merci.
Everything seems to be in order.
Yes, from what I've seen,
I have no complaints.
Gentlemen...
I try to make my prison
as homelike as possible.
I often ask myself, "What
would I want if I were a prisoner?"
And then I answer myself.
I say, "Klink"...
That's my name, "Klink."
I say...
That's enough, Klink.
But I am not satisfied.
Believe me...
the Führer is going to hear
how soft they have it here.
How they even have showers.
Cold showers.
Ooh... there is one
thing we didn't do.
We are supposed to
interview a prisoner.
Certainly.
Schultz, go to Barracks G and...
Hogan?
Very sorry, sir, I didn't
realize you're entertaining.
Out, dismissed.
No, no, wait, Colonel Klink.
We will talk to this prisoner.
Colonel Hogan?
Oh, sir, I have a much
better man for you.
Very intelligent,
let me get him.
Schultz, please.
No.
This man will do.
He is supposed to
be picked at random.
Of course, but you see,
this man in Barracks G,
oh, you just won't find
anyone more random, sir.
Schultz, please.
Colonel Hogan?
These men are from the
Swiss Prison Commission.
They would like to talk to you.
I'll be happy to tell them
whatever they want to know.
I'm sure Colonel Hogan
has a million things to do.
Let me find someone
who is not so busy.
Schultz, please.
I haven't anything to do.
I'm entirely at your disposal.
Good. Good.
Now, tell me, do you
have any complaints?
Well...
Excuse me, I have a cold.
Rumpelstiltskin!
Standing around
without any clothes on
and I seem to
have caught a cold.
What were you
doing without clothes?
He's a sun worshipper.
He just can't get enough sun.
In this weather?
That's what I said to
him: "In this weather?"
Rumpelstiltskin!
Now, I ask you,
do you have anything
to complain of?
Well, uh...
Actually, I have
nothing to complain of.
You see, gentlemen,
Colonel Hogan is
truly a representative
of our camp as a whole.
Oh, thank you, Colonel Hogan.
Dismissed.
If you gentlemen are through,
will you please sign
the inspection report?
Oh, certainly.
Now you show up.
Colonel Hogan?
You are supposed to
be standing at attention.
Why? Because I'm talking
to one of the "master race"?
I could have you shot
for talking to me like that.
I'll bet you would, too.
Tell me, what's a nice girl like
you doing in a place like this?
I came here...
to meet a friend.
Is that right?
Rumpelstiltskin.
You're Rumpelstiltskin?
Better give me the film
before they come out.
I haven't got it.
Where is it?
Ask this silly dog.
They were searching us and he...
Shh.
Here they come.
Ah, General
Burkhalter, this has been
a most enjoyable visit.
I wish we had more time
to just sit around and...
Good-bye, Klink.
You see?
That is why
we have a rule against dogs.
Naughty, naughty.
I will get rid of that dog
right away, sir.
Schultz?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Get that dog out of here.
I have a better idea.
Fräulein, do you like dogs?
Why, ja, I do.
Please accept this one
as a gift from the
boys here at Stalag 13.
Uh, here, you may as well
take along his
favorite bone, too.
I'll just put it in
your doggy bag.
Why, uh, thank you very much.
Sergeant Schultz?
Tell the others we
are ready to leave.
After you've had him awhile,
you'll develop a
real affection for him.
What is his name?
"Rumpelstiltskin."
Hogan, I appreciate
that what you told them
helped me get the highest rating
we've ever had in this camp.
But.
But there is still the matter
of the missing film
from the camera,
and I'm going to report
that to General Burkhalter.
When Burkhalter finds out
you think there was a film
and you haven't got it,
you're really going
to be in big trouble...
Whether there
is any film or not.
So far, it's only in your mind.
Do you want to put it in his?
If only I could be sure.
Could have saved
yourself a lot of trouble
if you'd just asked
me two questions
which I would have
answered truthfully.
What questions?
Well, if before you
started the search,
you had come to me and said,
"Colonel Hogan, do
you have the film?"
I would have
said, "No, I do not."
And then if you had said,
"Do you know where the film is?"
I would have
said, "No, I do not."
And I give you my word
it would have been the truth.
I believe you.
But there's another question:
"Was there any film?"
Sorry... only answer
two questions at a time.