Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 18 - My Favorite Prisoner - full transcript

And evening like
this, and, uh...

Ah, Schultz, thank you.

Would you like a drink, Hogan?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, Schultz.

This is a very amusing
little party, isn't it, Hogan?

You're awfully friendly
tonight, Commandant.

Anything wrong?

Oh, come, now, we're
not all bad, are we?

No, but you'll do

until something bad comes along.



Very amusing.

Colonel Klink. Mm.

You have been neglecting me.

Oh, my dear Baroness,
that would be impossible.

May I present the
Baroness von Krimm?

You certainly may.

And this is my favorite prisoner

of this or any other war,
Colonel Robert Hogan.

Baroness. Colonel Hogan.

Uh, would you
excuse me, my dear?

Well... a tall, good-looking
man for a change,

and I thought this party
was going to be such a bore.

Keep talking.

You're raising the fur
on the back of my neck.



What is it you Americans
always say, mm...

"Where have you
been all my life?"

Right here. I don't
go out much anymore.

Of course. You're a prisoner.

It only hurts when I'm awake.

You live in Hammelburg?

Mm. Part of the year.

We have a nice, little
house just outside of town.

I'd love for you to
see it sometime.

Ah, so would I, but I
have an arrangement

with the management:

I don't escape, and
they don't shoot me.

Well, if you ever do
escape, Colonel...

please drop in.

Keep a swastika
burning in the window.

Excuse me, Colonel,

but I couldn't help overhearing

you and the baroness talking.

Maybe because
you were listening.

How else could I hear?

Mm-hmm. She's
nice, the baroness.

Ooh-la-la.

Very definitely ooh-la-la.

I can arrange it
for you to... see her.

Why would you
do a thing like that?

Because I'm your friend.

When did that happen?

I can arrange for you to slip
out from camp tomorrow night,

and I have a car waiting
for you in the woods.

How many candy bars?

None.

We pay off for every
other favor around here.

This is free, a bonus...

because we are
friends, and because...

the whole world
loves... a lover.

You're a big man,
Schultz, big...

but take my advice, huh?

Don't drive.

Who is driving?

Schultz, more drinks over here.

Yes, Herr Kommandant.

Did you fix him?

Yes, Herr Kommandant,

I fixed it for tomorrow night.

Excellent. Well done.

Yes, Colonel, not bad,
if I may say so myself.

Wow.

They didn't tell us about
this in basic training.

What is basic training?

They train you to fight.

Oh... and obviously,
you're well trained.

Where did you take yours?

You're a baroness.

Does that mean there's a baron?

Yes. He commands a panzer unit

at Stalingrad.

What else is new?

What's it like, being in
a prisoner-of-war camp?

Well...

you're expecting
me to say it's bad.

It's not. It's terrible.

Don't you ever try to escape?

All the time.

Poor man.

I wish there was some
way I could help you.

Keep trying. You're
on the right track.

But isn't it your duty

to try and get away from there?

I mean, don't you have
a... plan for escape?

Yeah, we do have a tunnel.

A tunnel. How exciting.

Oh, yeah, it's a beauty.

It's big enough
for two-way traffic,

lights, air vents.

Perfect engineering.

And you talk about
it with so much pride.

Why not? Took a
long time to build.

We even have a name for it.

We call it the Holland Tunnel.

The Holland Tunnel? Mm-hmm.

Only one problem: it's between
New York and New Jersey.

Your men must be very clever.

They are. They're the greatest.

Herr Kommandant,

how do you spell "Holland"?

Oh, you idiot, he's
just being cagey.

Oh...

How do you spell "cagey"?

Shh! Listen.

Why are they so quiet?

With a woman like that,

why should a man
waste time talking?

London's transmitting, Colonel.

Urgent message.

Decode it as it comes in, huh?

Right.

All right, where was I?

Well, you were sitting

with your arms
around the baroness

when you spotted the microphone

in the lamp next to the couch.

Was that your single
standard pickup job, or...

Never mind that.

What happened, Colonel?

Right, sir, get on with it.

Bloody suspense is unbearable.

All right.

Well, first I considered
smothering the mike,

but then I figured

as long as I was there,
and she was, um...

Yeah, yeah. Yeah?

So I decided I'd play along.

Exactly what I would have done.

Sure. You're a Frenchman.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing. I just mean all
that funny stuff with girls.

After two years here,

there's nothing funny about it.

Right. Toujours LeBeau, mate,
and don't you bloody forget it.

Here you are, Colonel.
Oh, thanks, Kinch.

London will drop a
man in tomorrow night.

Special orders.
Top secret. Urgent.

They'll try for Sector X-19.

All right, Carter, LeBeau,
meet him, bring him in, huh?

Right, Colonel. Kinch,
acknowledge that

and tell them
we'll be there, huh?

All right, Colonel, but, uh,

hold off on that story
about the baroness,

will you, till I get through?

Man does not
live by radio alone.

Yeah, you didn't
miss much, Kinch.

Klink tried to
set a trap for me,

but he's really so obvious.

I mean, I should feel insulted.

I'd teach him a lesson.

I'd never see that
baroness again.

Carter, I said
"insulted," not "crazy."

Here we are, sir, just
like Mother used to make.

Thank you, Corporal.

These are invasion plans:

Operation Anvil.

Right. Rather a proper
sounding name, don't you think?

Oh, rather.

These are actually instructions

to the underground
for coordinated action

with an invading force.

And you want the
krauts to get this?

Well, that's what the brass
in London have in mind.

Boy, I don't think so.

Captain Sears, may I see
a driver's license, please?

Operation Anvil is a
complete fake, phony,

but the Nazis must believe
that it is absolutely genuine.

Well, how are we
supposed to convince 'em,

walk up to 'em and
whisper in their ears?

London wants the
Germans to steal the plans

and to think they have stolen

an important secret.

Yeah, I'll give you
an important secret:

It's impossible.

But you must've
made some contacts

with the Germans here.

Most of our friends are enemies.

Colonel, what
about the baroness?

Yeah, the krauts
think they've set me up

in a trap with the
local baroness.

And a lovely trap it is, too.

He's not struggling to get out.

People are beginning to talk.

Colonel, you could
take the plans with you

next time you go to see
the baroness, uh, drop a hint.

She's sure to steal them.

Good plan, Colonel.

Yeah, it's
beautiful, beautiful...

A prisoner of war with
invasion plans on me.

The Gestapo'd be
in on the act like that.

They wouldn't just
suspect the plans.

They'd run 'em right back
to here and shut us down...

with a firing squad.

I told you the
baroness was no good.

I think the colonel's
quite right, lads.

Your-your plan's too
simple. It wouldn't work.

The Jerries would
tumble to it in a flash.

I think he's right, you know?

Hold it, hold it.

Let's not dump the
baroness that quick.

I was just thinking, if
we handle it carefully,

we may be able to use
her as a starting point.

Take her for a nice
walk up the garden path.

Boy, people are really
going to start talking.

I mean, you-you're going to...

you're going to get rumors going

about you and the baroness, boy.

It-it's embarrassing.

Just a simple little plan
to get information, Major.

May I remind you

that you are in the Luftwaffe,

not the Gestapo, not the Abwehr?

Oh, I admit I have nothing
to do with intelligence.

That is obvious to all of us.

I mean, it's obvious to
me, too, Herr Kommandant.

After all, we are the Luftwaffe.

And the Luftwaffe needs
men at the Russian front.

Up to and including
the rank of colonel.

Oh, oh, please, Major,

uh, perhaps I overstepped
my authority slightly,

but I have always
thought of myself

as an all-purpose officer.

Good. That would be fine

if our purpose
was to lose the war.

I thought we were trying to win.

Shut up.

The baroness has
been a Gestapo agent

since the beginning of the war.

I will not have
her effectiveness

compromised by amateurs.

You are requesting, then,
that we discontinue our plan?

No, I am requesting nothing.

I order it stopped at once!

Request approved.

Thank you.

Shame, Herr Kommandant.

Just when we were...

Would you please shut up? Wait.

Sometimes out of the
mouths of babes and fools...

Speak up, Schultz.

Well... Colonel Hogan asked me

if he could leave the
camp tonight again

to see the baroness.

What did you tell him?

I said, "Yes."

Kommandant Klink's orders.

You fool! I warned
you not to listen to me

unless I tell you
to. Just a minute.

Go through with the arrangement.

Let him visit the
baroness one more time.

If he is so anxious to see her,

perhaps he will reveal
some information.

Brilliant thinking,
Major Hochstetter,

brilliant thinking.

Ja. Too bad it isn't contagious.

Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja,

ja, ja, ja...

Raus, raus, heraus.

Here we are, sir, right
through this tunnel.

Up the ladder, into the woods,

and you'll see the
road right there.

You can't miss it...
And Colonel Hogan

will be waiting for you
when you get there.

Right, Corporal.

My word, you chaps
are well organized here.

Ah, that we are, sir.

We may come back after the war

and open a tea shop.

It is impossible.

An RAF officer cannot stay here.

Just hide him for a few days.

He won't be any trouble.

Quite. All I require is
an occasional cup of tea.

But where did you find him?

He dropped in unexpectedly
on the end of a parachute.

I was walking in the
town, saw this chap go by

wearing an American
uniform and followed him here.

But those clothes...

Rather dreadful, aren't they?

I, uh, I stole them.

And if he's caught
wearing civilian clothes,

he'll be shot as a spy.

In that case, I
must tidy up a bit.

Come on, Baroness,
give him a break.

But I cannot.

You know the penalty
for harboring the enemy?

It's just for a few days.

She must not let the
Englishman get away.

She's only trying
to be convincing.

She's putting on
an act for them.

Then I'd stop worrying.

She convinced me.

Now I'm worried again.

But it's too dangerous.

Absolutely out of the question.

He can stay in the cellar.

Thanks for changing your mind.

What choice did I have?

Now I'll get something
to eat for you,

and some blankets.

Why don't you sit down?

Thank you very much, indeed.

Well done, old chap.

Really?

I'm out of practice... the war.

Of course, but jolly
good anyhow, eh?

Shh.

So, uh, you bailed out, huh?

What happened?

Catch a load of flak?

Colonel,

there is something urgent

and top secret I must tell you.

I am not an RAF officer.

No!

I'm a courier...

British Intelligence,
Section Five.

What? You bailed
out deliberately?

Right. My mission is
to deliver these plans

to the underground.

Invasion plans!

Indeed. Orders
to the underground

for coordinated
action once it begins.

That's dynamite.

Did you hear...? Shh!

I will wait for the underground

to contact me.

The recognition code
for passing the plans is...

Don't tell me.

I don't want to get involved.

You get caught with these plans,

I'm in trouble, too.

I have a way of destroying them.

I will only give them
to a special contact.

A man carrying a
newspaper under his arm

is to approach me and
say, "The birds fly south,"

and my answer must
be, "Before the first snow."

That's exactly what
I'm going to do...

Fly south right back to
that nice, safe P.O.W. camp.

Colonel, I need your help.

You listen to me.

I'm locked up in the
toughest P.O.W. camp

in all of Germany,

with a kraut commandant
who's just waiting

to call room service
to order a firing squad.

I can't wait to get back
to Bridgeport, Connecticut,

so I can start making a fool
of myself with the girls again.

So count me out.

My mission is urgent.

So is mine.

I want to stay alive

so I can cash my war bonds.

Well, I seem to have
caught a fair-sized rabbit.

Yes, in my trap.

Major, let us give this matter

careful consideration
before we reach any decision.

Oh, by all means, ja.

Baroness, you will
go back in there.

Keep them occupied.

Jawohl, Herr Major.

Schultz,

go back to Stalag 13,
put on civilian clothes

and return here at once.

You will make contact
with the Englander

and pick up the plans.

Me, a member of the underground?

He will never
believe it, Herr Major.

Why not?

I look too military.

He will believe it.

The recognition code
is, "The birds fly south."

You will say that,
and he will reply,

"Before the first snow."

Eight words... can
you memorize it?

Leave it to me, Herr Major.

I have it right in here.

Good. On your way.

Now I must call my headquarters

and have them send over some men

to arrest the Englander.

Tell me, Klink, have
you reached a decision?

Major, this matter is of
such great importance,

there's only one
thing we can do:

sleep on it.

I thought that's
what you were doing.

I must say, Baroness, you
make a lovely cup of tea,

considering you're a Ger...

Oh, sorry.

Didn't know you were occupied.

Carry on.

I'd better be getting
back to the dormitory.

Oh, not yet, please.

Yeah, they lock
the door at 11:00.

The house mother gets mad.

Mmm. However...

Guten Abend.

Abend.

Excuse me, gnadige Frau,

but, uh, I'm looking
for a friend... of mine.

Here?

Ja.

I thought I saw him

come into this house.

Is this the man?

I won't be sure until...

The snow flies to the south.

I beg your pardon?

The snow drops on the birds?

I think he's trying to
tell you something.

And making a
bloody awful job of it.

The snow flies south before
it happens to the birds?

Could you, by any chance, mean,

"The birds fly south
before the first snow"?

Doesn't sound
right, but it's not bad.

It's perfect.

Stay where you are!

You are under arrest!

Take him to headquarters.

Raus! Raus!

The birds fly north? No.

The birds fly south,

but the north
birds fly to the...

South birds fly to the north.

You really think we're going

to take Captain Sears
away from the krauts?

That's right, and
before they get

a chance to work him over.

And just how are we
supposed to do that, sir?

Walk into Gestapo
headquarters and get him.

I'm glad I asked.

That puts my mind at ease, too.

Voila... pull him out.

All right, here's
Gestapo headquarters.

He's got to be in one
of these cells here.

Newkirk and Carter in uniform.

Kinch, I want you to steal
a car from the motor pool.

Right.

All right, they walk into
Gestapo headquarters

with the suspect
for questioning.

You drop a few smoke grenades,

you go and get the
captain, bring him back here.

We turn him over
to the underground.

They get him back to England.

Hmm, just like
falling off a log.

Yeah, and the next
falling we do right after that

is in front of a
bloody firing squad.

Sir, you said a suspect?

Yeah: LeBeau.

Uh, you found him loitering
near a munitions factory.

You arrested him.
He's a Frenchman.

He's a foreigner... suspicious.

Colonel, I have
talent for other things.

I could pose as almost anybody.

Why must I always
pose as a Frenchman?

I don't know, LeBeau.

Just something about you.

Oh-ho-ho.

Now, everything all set?

What about Major
Hochstetter, sir?

Suppose he's at
Gestapo headquarters?

He won't be.

I'll have Schultz
arrange another date

with the baroness for me.

Hochstetter will be in
the other room listening.

He just can't resist.

Then you take
care of the diversion

with the baroness, right?

Diversion?

Mm-hmm, you
could put it that way.

Mm-hmm.

It's only us! It's
only us again!

Let him go! Let him go out!

Hogan is not
talking much tonight.

At the moment, I imagine

he has better things to do.

Don't worry, Klink.

We will hear from him later.

You...

you are marvelous.

Sometimes war brings
out the best in a man.

And after the war,
what will you do?

Pretty much the
same thing, I hope.

Mmm.

You caught him near
the munitions factory?

Ja, acting very suspicious.

What was he doing?

Nothing. That's what
made us suspicious.

Certainly a man has the
right to do nothing if he wants.

Since when?

Obviously a new man.

What is your name?

Bah!

That's rude.

He keeps making that noise.

We will change
that, I assure you.

Bah!

Your name and rank, bitte.

Oh, uh, me?

Uh, just call me Fritz.

For the record, please.

Oh. Well, uh, I'm, um,
Oberkellner Hausmann.

Oberkellner?

That's a headwaiter.

Was ist los?

I've always called him Fritz.

Ja, that's me... Fritz.

I'm afraid that's
not good enough.

All right, hold it right there.

Okay, pal, you want to tell me

which cell the
English captain's in?

Nine.

So, you won't talk, huh?

He means number
nine, stupid. Let's go.

I beg your pardon.

Come on.

Come on.

Good show, chaps!

Thanks. Get inside.

Help! Help, guard! Help!

When? How many of them?

I see... Gestapo uniforms, eh?

All right, search every
house in the area.

Heil Hitler.

The Englander has been
taken from headquarters.

The undergrounds, they got away.

Gestapo headquar...
right under your very noses.

Ooh, that's a very
serious offense.

Hogan! Hogan.

Hogan!

Commandant, what
are you doing here?

And what are you doing here?

A prisoner has been taken
from Gestapo headquarters.

Has Hogan left this
room at all this evening?

He has not, Herr Major.

Yeah, you can say that again.

I will begin an
investigation at once.

And if you know what
is good for you, Hogan,

you will cooperate.

Gentlemen, if you need me,
you know where to find me,

but next time, knock, huh?

I am not satisfied with
your answers, Hogan.

Neither am I.

It figures.

I warn you, this investigation

will go on relentlessly

until we find that Englander.

Major, can I help in any way?

Ja, Klink, there
is one vital thing.

Stay out of this,
beginning right now!

I cannot stand that man.

Commandant, request permission

to see the baroness again.

Denied. Why should
you have a good time

when the rest of us
are fighting a war?

Has it ever occurred to you

that the baroness
may know a little more

about the Englishman?

After all, he went to her house.

That is no concern of yours.

I'm trying to help you.

How?

Well, suppose, just suppose,

you were to plant a
microphone in her living room.

Why?

And I went to see her,
got her started talking,

and you listened
in the other room.

That's an ingenious idea.

Shall we try it, sir?

Let me think it over
for a day or two.

Fine. Can't ask
for more than that.