Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 19 - Watch the Trains Go By - full transcript

Watch it! Take cover!

Where are you going?

Kraut patrol on the road.

It's just what we
don't need. How far?

Half a mile, no more.

We could have a go at him, sir.

We're here to blow
up a munitions train,

not a patrol. Let's go.

Carter, come on, let's go.

Sir, we haven't
finished the job.

A few more minutes, Colonel.



We're set to detonate.
We move now.

Sir, that bloody train

only comes through
here once a week.

We'll get it next time
around. Come on!

For Pete's sake, what happened?

Krauts weren't
there when we left.

All of a sudden we've
got wall-to-wall Germans.

Very interesting problem.

Yeah.

How do we escape
into a P.O.W. camp?

They must have increased
patrols at midnight

when they changed the guards.

What's our move now, Colonel?

It's a cinch we can't stay here.



I say we check into
a hotel for the night.

Without a reservation?

And no luggage?

They'd ask for money in advance.

All right.

Any volunteers
for a cutting job?

Newkirk, Carter?

Us two?

"We two," Carter, "We two."

Grammar, grammar.

Hit that section of fence

to the right of the guard tower.

It's a blind spot.

The light doesn't
angle down far enough.

Good luck.

Guard!

Don't shoot!

Guards, guards, guards!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Hey, don't you recognize us?

We're regular customers.

Don't shoot!

Good evening, gentlemen.

Oh, good evening, Commandant.

Hi.

Put your hands up

on top of your head like this!

Just put your hands up.

If they make one wrong move,

shoot them.

Now, what exactly were
you fools trying to do, huh?

I was trying to get out of camp.

I should think that's
fairly obvious, sir.

Me, I was trying to get in.

Trying to get out of camp, sir,

into the town, you see.

Schultz, into the
cooler they go.

Throw away the keys.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Don't we get a
trial or anything?

This is Germany.

I do admire your sense of humor.

Schultz,

take them away.

Jawohl.

Come on. Let's go.

They weren't really
trying to escape.

Yeah, yeah.

They were going into town

for a very good reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
To buy something.

They would have come right back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A birthday gift for you.

For me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't believe it.

Don't let the war
make you cynical, sir.

I was not aware
that it's my birthday.

Isn't it about time
you found out?

I wouldn't believe one
word you said, Hogan.

Not even if I said

you were the
greatest military mind

in the Third Reich?

That I'd have to think over.

Look, Commandant,

Newkirk and Carter have
already spent a day in the cooler.

Let 'em out.

Request denied,

and when General
Burkhalter makes

his inspection tour next week,

those two men in
the cooler will prove

that discipline is
enforced here at Stalag 13.

That's all, Hogan.

That's why the patrols
are being beefed up.

Showing off for
Burkhalter, are they?

I said that's all.

Reconsider, Commandant.

Those two men will be
released over my dead body.

It's a deal.

Dis... missed.

Here's your answer
from London, Colonel.

"Turn the job over
to the underground."

They're kidding.

"Hold off your unit
and sabotage operation

"on munitions train.

Wait for orders near future."

You think they're trying
to tell you something?

"Yeah, don't call us.

We'll call you,"

and I still say it was
the right decision.

If we had stayed and
knocked off that kraut patrol,

there might have been
a Gestapo investigation.

Could have endangered
our whole operation.

The pity is, it's only
a few minutes' work

to do on those detonators.

It's the underground's now.

Let them handle it.

That munitions train is ours.

We started the
job, we'll finish it.

But how? We can't get out.

Klink's turned this
place into Alcatraz.

And he's acting like the warden.

We could figure some
way to distract Klink,

keep him busy.

Burkhalter picked a swell time

for an inspection tour.

Remember the last visit?

He even brought his sister.

The lady dragon.

Yeah, and Klink had
to put on his track shoes

to keep out of the way.

Now hold it, hold it.

Why wouldn't it work again?

What work again?

Gertrude Linkmaier,
Burkhalter's sister.

If she came with him,
it would distract Klink.

He'd let down the
guards and ease off.

It's one way to get out of camp.

Newkirk could forge
Klink's handwriting.

He's done it before.

Send Madam Linkmaier a
little invitation for openers

on Klink's personal stationery.

That's crazy.

Yeah, crazy enough to work.

Just one little detail, Colonel.

What do we tell London?

Stall 'em.

Tell 'em we've come
up with a new plan.

Request permission to proceed

and impossible to communicate
with the Underground.

Something like that.

You're turning me
into a pretty good liar.

Kinch, what kind
of officer would I be

if you couldn't learn from me?

Mm! Mm!

Mm, that's good! Mm!

Where do you get the chocolate?

I smuggle it in.

That's banned.

I will have to report you.

Oh, yeah?

Then you'd just better
report yourself, too, big fella,

'cause eating it makes
you an accomplice.

No.

I thought it only makes you fat.

Mm.

"And so my dear Gertrude...

"if I may call you
by your first name...

"it will give me great
pleasure to have you visit

"our little Stalag again with
your brother the general.

"Perhaps we could even
be alone so I could tell you

"some of the things
I could not say to you

on your last trip."

Danke.

Now I'm going to
see the Englander.

New Newkirk, got any candy?!

The bear's headed your way!

Shh! Don't be so noisy!

Anything you guys need?

Oh, yes, sir. When LeBeau
brings the dinner tonight...

Uh-huh.

No bearnaise
sauce. I'm not up to it.

Yeah.

Ah, General Burkhalter,

it is indeed a great
pleasure to see you again.

You remember
my sister, of course.

Of course.

A great pleasure.

Guten Tag, Klink.

And Gertrude just announced
that she was coming along,

and here I am.

I couldn't be happier.

Frau Linkmaier, you
are as welcome here

as the general himself.

We will give you the very
best we have here at Stalag 13.

Nice way to treat a lady.

Elbert.

On the way here,

my dear sister kept
talking about you.

About me?

What is there to say?

The conversation
didn't last too long.

I'm flattered.

What is this magic
you have, Klink?

You seem to grow on people.

Elbert, you make him sound
like some kind of a fungus.

Fungus.

Schultz...

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.

More brandy for Frau Linkmaier
and the general, please.

Yes, sir, Kommandant.

Just a little.

Enough. Danke.

Fungus.

Not for me.

I'm a bit tired.

Anyway, I imagine
you two young people

would like to be alone.

Young people?

I don't see any young people.

Good night, Elbert.

Good night, Gertrude.

And as the French
say, bonne chance.

That means "good luck."

He is terrible.

Good night, Herr General.

You stay here no
matter what happens.

Sergeant, come in here
and help me with my boots.

What are you standing around?

You heard the general.

Good night, General Burkhalter.

Good night.

Well, here we are.

Indeed, we are.

We are here.

There's no question about that.

I remember that about you.

A brilliant conversationalist.

Danke.

Now that we are alone,

what is it you wanted
to say to me, Wilhelm?

Wilhelm... my first name?

If it's Gertrude, then
it should be Wilhelm.

Of course,

you cannot call me Gertrude
because that is your name,

if you know what I mean.

What is it you want
to say to me, Wilhelm?

Well, now, let me see.

Uh, I've offered
you more brandy.

Um, we have straightened
out the name business...

You remind me of
my first husband Otto.

He was shy, too.

Sit down.

Well, you see, a soldier
like I is more at home

in the rough company
of men on the battlefield.

Good, I'll handle this.

I'm sure you will.

Handle what?

I realize that I am
not the most beautiful,

the most fascinating
woman in the world...

That's true.

You don't need to agree

with me so quickly, Wilhelm.

No offense, Frau...

Gertrude.

That's right... Gertrude.

I know I'm going to make
a certain man very happy.

Make a good wife to him.

Just what he needs.

Oh, there is no question
about it in my mind.

Congratulations. Danke.

Who's the lucky man?

Do I know him?

Oh, you know him very well.

Don't be coy.

Oh, I'm not trying to be coy.

I...

Me.

More brandy please, Wilhelm.

They've been in the
cooler long enough.

Make a gesture, Commandant.

In honor of General
Berkhalter's visit, release them.

I'd like to be released myself.

You haven't been
paying attention.

Frankly, Hogan, I've
got a big problem.

Yeah, I know, I saw her arrive.

Frau Linkmaier likes me,

and what's worse, she's
thinking about marriage.

What woman isn't constantly?

She's a widow.

I remind her of her
first husband Otto.

He's been missing in
action for three years.

Could be on the lam.

Marriage.

I can't even think about it.

What am I going to do?

May I offer some
advice, Commandant?

That's very decent
of you, Hogan.

Tell me what to do.

First you tell me something.

Anything you want, you name it.

When are Newkirk and
Carter getting out of the cooler?

I will not bargain
with a prisoner of war.

Why not?

I'm willing to bargain
with a prisoner of love.

Don't say anything like that.

All right, Hogan.

If you help me get
rid of Frau Linkmaier,

I will release your men for you.

It's a deal.

First thing you've
got to do is get busy.

What?

Nothing chills a woman
faster than a busy man.

They can't stand being
neglected for anything.

Oh, I see.

I'm too involved in my
work to find time for her.

Exactly.

Very good.

Of course, it may
involve a sacrifice

on your part, Commandant.

Sacrifice? In what way?

You may actually
have to go to work.

I want this section
from here to the gate

inspected and
strengthened if necessary.

What's he doing?

Posting more men
outside the wire.

Making things a little tighter.

Yeah, I got him busy
all right... the wrong way.

Herr Kommandant,
please excuse me,

but it is after 4:00, and
you have an invitation

for tea in the general's
quarters with Frau Linkmaier.

Tell her I can't be there.

I am too busy.

Express my regrets.

Oh, excuse me, Herr
Kommandant, is it wise?

After all, she is
the general's sister

and she is a woman.

Thank you.

I was puzzled.

Herr Kommandant,
there's even a rumor

that there will be wedding bells

for you and the gnadige Frau.

That is only a rumor.

But if it should happen,
Schultz, I promise you

you will be the first one to
hear those wedding bells.

Oh, danke, Herr Kommandant.

Even on the Russian front.

Very good dinner, Sergeant.

Thank you, General.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Good evening, Wilhelm.

Herr Kommandant, your coat?

No, Schultz, I'm afraid I
must go right out again.

A little surprise
visit to our patrols.

It's a surprise to me, too.

You have not had your dinner.

Oh, I apologize.

Please forgive me.

I can stay just long
enough to have some coffee.

Schultz.

I never realized you
were so dedicated

to your job, Klink.

I'm afraid that's why I don't
have much of a social life.

In a way, I'm
married to the war.

I think I understand, Klink.

You know, Frau Linkmaier, I
have neglected you shamefully,

but that's the way I am.

Ja, I see that,

and I admire you for it.

Admire me?

Ja, I like a man
who puts his job first.

Women must learn
to take second place.

You have gone up in
my estimation, Wilhelm.

Schultz, take this away.

Get me a schnapps,
make it a double.

Admires you?

How could anybody do that?

You don't know that woman.

What about Carter and Newkirk?

They stay in the cooler.

Your marvelous advice
got me where I am.

Now I'll give you some.

You'd better straighten up

and toe the line
around here or else.

Look, Commandant...

When addressing your
commanding officer,

you should be in uniform.

Okay, okay.

That's better.

What is it, Colonel?

What's our first move?

To get a new plan.

What? You're kidding.

I told you, we started this job,

we're going to finish it.

Or it finishes us.

Every kraut and his
brother's out there patrolling.

Klink didn't pull
any of the guard.

And the biggest
kraut of them all,

Monsieur Klink, is
roaming around, too.

We're going to set those
detonators Wednesday or else.

Or else what?

Get killed trying?

There are times I wish you
guys wouldn't read my mind.

Tell her the truth?

I know it's a strange
idea to you, Commandant,

but she might go for it.

Tell her that she's
too old for me,

that I don't find
her attractive,

that she's not my type?

She isn't anybody's type,

but you don't have
to mention that to her.

No, that's impossible.

Then marry her.

You, too, could
be missing in action

like her first husband.

You might even
be able to meet him

wherever he's hiding
and form a club.

Tell her the truth, huh?

Maybe the very frankness
of it could discourage her.

Look at it this way, what
do you got to lose but her?

You're right, Hogan.

I will see her today.

Commandant, for
a man of the world,

you surprise me.

Don't you know
anything about women?

What does that got to
do with Frau Linkmaier?

With women,
finesse is everything.

Take her out, say
tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night, Wednesday?

Why not? Nice moonlight drive.

Then you park.

There's a great spot about
halfway to Hemleberg.

Right near the railroad
crossing, can't miss it.

How do you know about that?

Uh... uh... one of the
guards told me about it.

Takes all his frauleins there.

I see.

I'll try it.

It seems to make sense.

Good, good.

Why?

Why did I have to
be born so attractive?

That's another whole question.

Right now, let's
stick to the truth.

Schultz, come in here.

Yes, Herr Kommandant,
I'm coming.

Danke, Shultz.

Shultz, we won't
need you for a while.

Uh, take a walk in the woods.

Alone?

I'm sorry we didn't
bring a girlfriend for you.

Get out.

Uh, there's a nice moon out
tonight, Herr Kommandant.

Thank you, Shultz.

Get out.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Well, here we are.

Ja, alone again, Wilhelm.

It is very romantic. I approve.

I'm glad you approve.

And, uh, I approve
of your approval.

What is it, Wilhelm?

Gertrude... uh,
Frau Linkmaier...

uh, I realize that you are very

strongly attracted to me.

It's, uh, one of those things.

You can't help yourself.

The moth and the flame.

I admire you very much.

You're strong and forceful.

Ja.

And, uh, forceful and strong.

Danke, Wilhelm.

But for a wife,

I would like somebody
weak and stupid.

What?

Someone I can talk to.

Schultz!

Schultz!

Schultz!

Did you call, sir?

Oh, uh, I mean, did you, Frau?

Back to the camp at once.

Jawol, Herr Kommandannt.

Oh, I mean, Frau.

At once, sir.

But, Frau Linkmaier, please.

Gertrude...

Mrs. Linkmaier.

Hogan!

Yes, sir?

What are you doing
out of the barracks?

Well, I was anxious

about your date
with the iron maiden.

I told her the truth.

I don't believe it.

Every word of it.

Come on, Commandant.

May lightening
strike me if I didn't.

Okay, I'm convinced.

She blames me for this.

She is going to make
my life miserable.

But, sir...

Klink, I am going to get you

a reservation on the first
troop train heading east.

But, General...

Or I'll send you by
plane, or by ship.

If necessary, I'll carry you

to the Russian front.

Piggy-back!

General, you're being
unfair to the commandant.

He is?

Why unfair, Hogan?

Oh, he was only trying to
save you and your sister

from a lot of embarrassment.

I was?

He knows he's not good
enough for the Burkhalters.

I'm not?

Just look at him,
what do you see?

Tall, skinny,

insipid egotistical type.

A moth-eaten German
eagle wearing a monocle.

Hogan...

How'd you like to introduce that

to the Fuhrer and your friends

as your brother-in-law?

You may have a point, Hogan.

He was only trying to save you

and your sister from a
terrible embarrassment.

Perhaps I will discuss
this with Gertrude.

I'll give her a little vacation,

let her think about it.

Command decision.

As for you...

Oh, well, we have enough trouble

on the Russian front.

Hogan, I appreciate
what you did,

but those terrible
things you said...

I can get the general back.

Never mind, Hogan.

You saved me
from Frau Linkmaier.

How can I ever thank you?

Forget it.

What good are enemies

if you can't depend on them?