Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 16 - Who Stole My Copy of Mein Kampf? - full transcript

That you, Kinch?

It ain't Ludwig Krausmyer.

Who's he?

How should I know?
I never heard of him.

Hey, what's all the fuss?

You know I look
terrible in the morning

if I don't get my rest.

Just got an urgent
message from London.

What's it about?

I don't know. It's
in the new code.

Colonel Hogan will
have to break it down.



Sounds important.

Colonel. Colonel.

Urgent message
from headquarters.

Don't those guys in
London ever sleep?

It's in the new code.

All right.

"Top priority assignment
of utmost importance.

You take immediate steps..."

Achtung!

"So in personal hygiene,
the proper care of the nails,

"cannot be too
strongly emphasized.

"The fingernails should be filed

"to form a parallel surface

"with the balls of the fingers.



The cuticles should be..."

Oh, hi, Colonel.
Nice of you to drop in.

I was just reading to the men

on personal hygiene...

more specifically,
care of the nails.

At 2:00 in the morning?

Cleanliness and daintiness
are not clock watchers.

You know the rules!

Lights out at 9:00 sharp
with everybody in bed!

But everybody!

Schultz, leave the
rules to me, huh?

Jawohl, Commandant.

Well, what are you waiting for?

Everybody to bed! But everybody!

Hogan! There is something
fishy going on here.

I would like to know
what you and your men

are doing up at this
hour of the night.

It's no use trying to fool you.

Now you're getting smart.

If you must know, we
were planning an escape.

Uh-huh!

Uh-huh!

How were you planning to do it?

Must I tell?

That's an order.

Well, we noticed
that every morning,

the dogs are taken out of camp
and allowed to run for exercise.

Take some notes, Schultz.

Go on.

Well, we were planning on
disguising ourselves as dogs.

And while digging for bones,
we'd break for the woods.

With all those trees, no
one would think it unusual.

Ooh. That's very clever.

Very clever!

Oh, shut up, Schultz.
That's an order.

I don't know what you're up to,

but whatever it is, forget it.

Mm-hmm.

Just to make sure
that you won't give

any more lectures tonight.

Good night, Commandant!

Night, Shultzie.

Schultz?

Yeah?

Oh, thank you.

They got the book.

How we going to get it back?

It's sticky.

If I make too much of a fuss,

Klink's going to get suspicious.

Meanwhile, there's
something urgent

we're supposed to do
right away and we haven't

got the foggiest
idea what it is.

Why don't we radio
headquarters and ask them

to repeat the message
in the old code?

We destroyed it.

Besides, I wouldn't
want them to know

how careless we are with books.

They might take
away our library card.

General Burkhalter
to see Colonel Klink.

Ps-s-s-s-st!

Schultz, that isn't the way
to wake a sleeping prince.

Oh, General Burkhalter.

What a pleasure.

I was so deep in
thought I didn't realize...

Klink!

This is Colonel Sitzer.

It's a pleasure.

And to what do I owe
the pleasure of this visit?

Not that there needs
to be any reason...

I am with the ministry
of propaganda.

Oh, that's a wonderful
branch of the service.

Oh, what a job you
people are doing.

I've always said you people
are doing more to end this war

than anyone else.

Colonel Klink, we've been
looking at your records

very carefully.

I can explain that.
That's not my fault.

Although technically
I was in charge

of all the money
at the officer's club,

Lieutenant Klein
also had a key...

Klink!

Colonel Sitzer is talking about

your perfect record in the camp.

He is?

Yes.

What are you talking about?

Was I talking about something?

I don't remember what it was.

We believe that
what you have done

deserves public recognition.

I was only doing my duty.

Naturally, I'm flattered,

and I hope that others will
be inspired by my example.

We are not doing
it for you, Klink.

It is for the propaganda value.

You will be presented with

an award and a
national radio hookup.

An award? For me?

Let me say, sir.

I accept it with the
deepest of humility.

We want you to keep it a secret

until the presentation.

That way we will
get the full impact

on public opinion.

Oh, you have nothing
to worry about, sir.

My lips are sealed.
I won't say a word.

A secret is sacred to me.

Wild horses and torture

could not drag one
syllable out of me.

If there's one thing
I'm not, it's a talker.

I must admit if there is
anything more outstanding

than your humility,
it's your golden silence.

Thank you, General Burkhalter.

I think we'd better be
getting back to town.

I'll have the car brought
around, right away.

Oh, sir, I was wondering...

You will receive the
award in about a week.

In the meantime,
remember it's a secret.

You can depend on
me. Absolute silence.

A sphinx.

They won't get a word out of me.

The car, Klink.

Oh, the car, sir. Yes, the car.

Right away, the car.
Pardon me, the car.

Are you sure no prisoner

has ever escaped from him?

Don't look at me.

I don't understand it either.

Return from scout mission, sir.

You see where the code book was?

Nothing escapes
these eagle eyes, sir.

It was on old Klink's desk.

You would think he would
put it in a real hiding place.

Why should he?
As far as he knows,

that's just a book
on personal hygiene.

All right, you men
know what to do.

Battle stations.

Schultz, see to it
that my dress uniform,

the new one, with my decorations

on it is in order.

I will see to it,
Herr Kommandant.

It's for a very
special occasion.

Yes, sir.

I suppose you're curious

to know what the occasion is?

No, sir.

But I can't tell you
because it's secret.

Yes, sir.

And there is no use you're
trying to get it out of me.

Yes, sir.

Let me give you one hint.

It's a great honor,
and it has something

to do with an award.

Can you guess what it is?

No, sir.

You're not even trying.

Let me give you another hint.

Am I the Kommandant
of this camp?

Yes, sir.

Has any prisoner ever
escaped from this camp?

No, sir.

Very clever, Schultz.
You guessed it.

I guessed what?

That I am getting
an award for never

having had an
escape from this camp.

Oh, you're getting an award...

Schultz! How dare you
discuss this with me.

I told you it was a secret.

Yeah, but Herr Kommandant...

No! You've said enough already!

See to it that you keep
your mouth shut from now on.

Yes, sir.

Hi, Schultz. What's new?

Don't ask me.

I know nothing. Nothing!

What is it, Hogan?
Another complaint?

No, sir.

I've been thinking
about our breaking

the rules, being up
after lights out last night.

It was wrong and we
owe you an apology.

No harm done. Your
apology is accepted.

No, this is a formal apology.

You want to stand out
here just a minute, sir?

Okay, fellas.

Places.

Okay.

Now.

Colonel Klink.

We wish to take this opportunity

to apologize for not obeying

the rules.

We are sorry and promise
it will never happen again.

Never.

We sincerely hope

you will accept

this apology,

in the spirit in
which it is given.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

That was very nice.

Okay, fellas,
that's it, let's go.

Colonel Klink's a busy man.

Ah, Hogan, I
want to talk to you.

I've got a million things to do.

Can't it wait until later?

This won't take very long.

Okay, what is it?

Now, Hogan, you
know there are always

many rumors flying around

in a camp like this.

Now there's one particular rumor

that I would like you to kill

the moment you hear it.

Consider it killed.
Anything else?

You haven't even
heard the rumor yet.

You may hear that I'm getting

an award, you may even
have heard it already.

No, but if I do, I'll
stop it immediately.

Now, mind you,

I'm not saying
that it's the truth,

and I'm not
saying that it isn't.

But I will say, that
I'm very honored.

I'm even very grateful.

I might even say
I'm deeply touched.

Fine. Can I go now?

Hogan, you don't seem
to be very impressed.

Well, why should I be?
I never believe rumors.

Hi, Kinch, you got
that message decoded?

Just finishing, Colonel.

"Important that you
take immediate steps

"to silence Leslie
Smythe-Beddoes, defector.

"Now being assigned
to the German

"Propaganda Ministry.

"Use whatever means
you consider necessary,

"this party is now in
town of Hammelburg,

near your camp, preparing
for a special radio broadcast."

Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

He sounds like one of mine.

A rat like that doesn't
belong to anybody.

Let me take care
of him, Colonel.

Sorry, he's my responsibility.

Headquarters wants to
know what steps you've taken

about Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

Tell them we haven't
taken any steps.

We're still crawling.

You really want me to send that?

No, I'm sorry for blowing up.

Tell them we're proceeding

according to plan.

What plan?

That's what we're
trying to find out.

What about giving
them a present?

A fountain pen that goes
"boom" when you write with it.

That's no good.

The first thing anyone does

with a gift pen is
write his own name.

I could still be with him
when he writes us both off.

Klink and Schultz.

Oh, Colonel Hogan.

Kommandant Klink
wants to see you outside.

What about? What do you think?

He wants your advice
how to win the war.

I'll be glad to give
him some pointers.

Thanks for telling me.

I-I-I didn't tell you.

I mean, I did, but I didn't.

I'll tell him you
didn't tell me.

Oh, please, Colonel
Hogan. Say nothing. Nothing!

All right, but it's
going to make

for a one-sided conversation.

You want to see me, Commandant?

Nothing special.
Everything all right?

As well as can be expected

if you don't expect too much.

Fine, fine.

By the way, Hogan.

I suppose that, uh,
rumors about me

and my award are
all over the camp?

No, I haven't heard a word.

Oh, that's wonderful.
I couldn't be happier.

Is that all?

No, Hogan.

When a man gets an award,

isn't it customary that
he makes a speech?

I'd say it was inescapable.

That's what I thought,

so I wrote down a
few stray thoughts.

Stray thoughts?

Whatever happened
to a simple thank you?

Well, from a man in my
position, they expect more.

Listen to this...

Mm-hmm.

"An honor such as this

"comes only once
in a man's lifetime,

"and although I feel
unworthy of this tribute,

"I would be less than
honest if I did not admit

"how moved I am
to receive this award,

"which says, in effect,

"'Well done, thou
good and noble solider.

Well done, Colonel Klink.'"

What's the matter,
don't you like it?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
it's fine, it's...

a little heavy to start.

Should begin with
something light.

I don't follow you. Well, begin
with something amusing like, uh...

"Hey, funny thing happened to
me on the way to the Reichstag.

"Ran into these two
guys, Pat and Mike.

"Pat just got a new pair of
shoes, and he says to Mike,

"'You know, these
shoes are so tight,

"'I'm going to have to
wear 'em a dozen times

before I can put 'em on.'"

Who are Pat and Mike?

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

You'll have to change them
to Bavarians Hans and Otto,

but it's basically
the same joke.

Hogan, I am going on the radio,

and everybody in Germany
will be listening to me.

I can't make jokes as if I
were talking to my barber.

Well, even your barber would...

Barber. What are
you mumbling about?

Yeah, uh, Commandant, I'll listen
to the rest of your speech later.

But Hogan, you haven't heard...

Okay, Schultz, out.

But I'm losing.

So, what else is new? Out.

Eh, merci, Schultzy.
Thanks, Schultzy.

Thank you very much, mate.

Men, I know how we can get
rid of Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

I knew you'd figure
it out, boy... sir.

Actually, Klink
gave me the idea.

The one thing you can give a man

and be sure it'll be
hours before he uses it:

an electric razor.

Hey, and I can rig a charge to
go off as soon as it's plugged in.

Get to work on it right
away, will you, okay?

Newkirk, I want a
German uniform.

I'm going into town.

Right, sir, uh... what
rank would you like?

Oh, what's in this season?

Your basic captain's
always in good taste.

All right, basic captain it is,
but, uh, without the pearls.

One electric razor for
Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

I just thought of something.

What if this guy has a beard?

Even guys that have beards have
to shave some part of their face.

Watch it, Schultz coming.

Oh, brother.

Where's Colonel Hogan?

Oh.

Colonel Hogan, Colonel
Klink wants to see you

in his office immediately.

Sorry, Schultz. Tell
Klink I'll take a rain check.

I've, uh... I've
got a toothache.

Well, he won't like it.

I'm not too crazy about
the toothache myself.

I'll tell him, but
he won't like it.

Whoo, boy.

Hey, you're not still
going, are you, Colonel?

That's the plan, isn't it?

But you know Klink.

If you don't come to
him, he'll come to you.

I know. Corporal Newkirk.

Sir? As of now,
you're a colonel.

The propaganda
ministry wants a rundown

on the radio broadcast.

First, the children's chorus

singing "We Salute
You, Gentle Fuhrer."

Then the loyalty pledge to
the Fuhrer, our warrior leader.

Followed by a report
of the glorious victories

on the eastern front.

How long do you
think that should be?

It can be as long or
as short as we need.

We're making it up anyway.

Then the award to the
prison commandant.

Oh, yeah, Colonel...
what's his name?

Uh...

Klink.

The same dull stuff
we've been doing.

I wish we had
something different,

some kind of a surprise.

What if we told them the
truth about the eastern front?

I said surprise, not shock.

Do you know what a chap can
get for impersonating an officer?

Do you know what a chap will get

if Klink finds out
you're not an officer?

Here he comes.

Hogan, when I send
for you, that's an order.

Colonel Hogan has a toothache.

Oh, stop it, Hogan, be a man.

Dismissed.

Now, listen, Hogan, the
best thing for a toothache

is to get your mind off it...

so, uh... I'll read you
some of my speech.

I think you'll enjoy it.

And this could be a two-minute
segue into the next speech.

Well, maybe. Yes,
Captain, what is it?

I, uh... I'm looking for
Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

For what reason?

That's who this package is for.

I'll take it.

I am Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

You're not.

Captain, don't be impertinent.

If the lady says she's
Leslie Smythe-Beddoes,

then she's Leslie
Smythe-Beddoes.

Now,

may I have the package?

I made a terrible mistake.

I have the wrong
Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

The wrong one?

Oh, yes, uh, you see,

this is Leslie J.
Smythe-Beddoes... Jr.,

and that's not you, is it?

No. Yes, well, it's one of
those everyday mistakes.

I'll have it taken care of.

Captain, what is your division?

I'm on detached service, sir.

I've just returned
from the eastern front.

Poor man.

He's one of the lucky ones.

Well, don't blame
yourself, Colonel.

How could you know
Leslie was a girl?

And how could headquarters
ask us to knock her off?

Well, that's going too far.

I don't know, I don't know.

That message didn't say
anything about knocking her off.

Yes, it did. It
said... "Silence her."

And keeping a woman
from talking isn't easy, either.

And we can't disobey
the order. We got to do...

Hold it. What's this?

Klink is doing
better these days.

LeBEAU: That's what we
need more of in this camp.

I wonder who she is.

That, gentlemen, is
Leslie Smythe-Beddoes.

Oh, how can anything
so good be so bad?

As I recall, a message
from headquarters said

I could use whatever
means I like.

You've found a means you like?

A dangerous animal
can be made harmless

by removing its teeth.

Okay, Colonel, but her smile's
going to lose an awful lot.

Colonel, you've probably heard

one of these propaganda
broadcasts before.

Oh, yes, they're very
delightful and stimulating.

They have a tendency
toward dullness.

A dullness. Oh, yes,
they're very monotonous.

Now, we're looking for something

to make this program
just a little different.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Is there
anything in your background

of special interest?

Well, who am I to say?

Ah. Have you any medals
for outstanding bravery?

Are you, uh, an
accomplished musician?

Do you write?

Paint?

Outstanding athlete?

All right, I'll prove it to you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Commandant,
didn't know you had company.

Hogan, why don't you knock?

Uh, this is Colonel
Hogan, senior POW officer.

Hi. Colonel.

Haven't we met before?

Gosh, no. I'd never forget you.

Strange. You look
very familiar to me.

Hogan is a very common type.

What do you want, Hogan?

Carter and I were
having an argument.

I wanted to prove
something to him,

and I couldn't find my
copy of Mein Kampf.

I wondered if I
could borrow yours.

My copy?

You do have a
copy of Mein Kampf?

Oh, oh, yes, of course.

I wonder where I put it.

I don't seem to remember.

It is here, I know.

Never mind, I'll
do it from memory.

Now the question
was, "Today, Germany;

tomorrow, the world; the
day after tomorrow, we'll see."

Now, what does that mean?

It means there is
one justice, one love,

and Hitler wants it for the
whole world, today and tomorrow.

I don't agree.

That's because you're blind.

You've been taken in by the
decadent philosophy of the Allies.

Don't you see

what the Fuhrer's trying to say?

Colonel Hogan. Yes?

May I have a word with you?

Miss Smythe-Beddoes?

Carter, tell the men
there's a reward

for the one who
finds Mein Kampf.

You seem to have
very unusual ideas

for an American prisoner of war.

Well, I've had a chance to think
and see since I've been here,

and it's changed my ideas a lot.

I, um, realize that the new
Germany is the new world.

If you feel that way,
why not tell the world?

Gosh... who'd care how I feel?

I would.

So would a lot of other people.

You must share your
thoughts with them.

How could I do that?

On the radio,

tonight, with me.

Oh, I couldn't. Oh, you must.

Is that an order?

Yes.

All right.

Gosh. Feel like a Nazi already.

What is the surprise

that you have planned
for the broadcast?

Ah, you will see.

Oh, well, it better be good.

I just got word the
Fuhrer is listening in Berlin.

How do I look?
Fine. Don't worry.

It's just a radio broadcast.

That's right. Heard
by millions of people.

Millions of people.
And the Fuhrer.

The Fuhrer.

That was the Fuhrer's
favorite selection.

And now I would like
to introduce to you

Colonel Wilhelm Klink

of Stalag 13.

Hello!

Tonight, we honor Colonel Klink

who, as commandant of Stalag 13,

has never had a prisoner escape.

Colonel, may I present
you with this scroll.

Uh... uh... uh, that reminds me

of the story of the two
Bavarians, Pat and Mike.

They... Thank
you, Colonel Klink.

And now we have a
real surprise for you:

an American prisoner of war

who has some interesting
things to tell you.

You are Colonel Hogan of the
United States Army Air Corps?

That's one of my names.

One of your names?

Well, I had another
name when I was in prison.

Naturally, you don't give

your right name
in a case like that.

You were in prison?

Three times. Bum raps.

Colonel, you had an
opportunity to observe

the new Germany
and the United States.

Now, how would you compare them?

Oh... no comparison at all.

Back home, everybody
thinks for themselves.

All those decisions to make.

Here, one man
thinks for everyone.

Saves a lot of wear and tear.

I'm, uh... I mean,
take the Russian front.

That was Hitler's idea,
yet I think it's so wonderful

you don't hear one word

of criticism about it.

You've... read Mein
Kampf, I believe.

Oh, yeah, you bet.

You know that guy
Hitler that wrote it?

A lot of people think
just 'cause he wears

that silly mustache,
the book's a lot of junk,

but... And now, the
orchestra will play

another favorite
selection of the Fuhrer's.

Colonel Sitzer, believe me,

I didn't know that
he was going to...

Miss Smythe-Beddoes,

I believe your usefulness

to the Third Reich
has come to an end.

I didn't even get
a chance to say

what a great guy
Hitler is. Golly.

Yes, sir, yes, yes.

Yes, my Fuhrer.

Colonel, was that
really the Fuhrer?

Himself, talking to me.

Gosh.

Did he have anything
to say about me?

Oh, yes.

He said you should be turned
over to the Gestapo at once.

Oh, no. Oh, you're lucky.

You get to stay in Germany.

Did the Fuhrer say
anything about my speech?

Not a word.

He didn't mention me at all?

Did he say anything about me?

Oh, yes, he talked
about the both of you.

What did he say?

He said that if this man
ever attempts to escape...

let him.