Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 15 - The Missing Klink - full transcript

♪ ♪

Well?

Forget it.

You'd need a division of
armor to attack that camp.

We couldn't get near it.

The elite guards, machine guns,

land mines, the whole works.

Oh, blimey.

I hate to say die, sir,

but I'd rather
say it than do it.

My men are ready to attack



as soon as you give
the orders, Colonel.

Forget it.

Forget it?

My brother's in there.

You couldn't even get close.

That place is a
regular fortress.

Are you afraid?

Afraid?

Yeah.

Look, it's not a
matter of courage.

Trying to rush that camp
now would be suicide.

My brother is to be
executed day after tomorrow.

I say the time to act is now.

Look, leave it to me.



I'll get Hans out.

But how?

I said, leave it to me.

I don't think...

Colonel isn't a man

to say something
he doesn't mean.

Don't worry, mate.

The governor always
has a marvelous plan.

I will wait till I
hear from you.

Right.

All right, let's get this
car back to the motor pool

before Klink finds
out it's missing.

Then what, sir?

Then we start trying

to think of this marvelous plan

which I happen not
to have at the moment.

What time are they
supposed to execute Hans?

0800 tomorrow.

Doesn't give us much room.

Colonel Hogan,

Commandant Klink
wants to see you

in the office at once.

All right, Schultz.

You guys try to stall, huh?

We may need this car later.

Right, sir.

Colonel said stall.

Stall?

We should do a job right
no matter how small it is.

Hey, morally, you
make a commitment

to clean a man's car and...

Colonel said stall.

Hogan, where's my car?

You promised it would be
parked and waiting for me.

It is not parked
and waiting for me.

Why isn't it, and where is it?

Well, I...

"8:00," you said.

"Promise?" I said?

"On my word of honor," you said.

"8:00 sharp," I said.

"Not one second
later," you said.

Did I say a.m. or p.m.?

It is now 9:30.

Colonel Klink, I
want you to know

I understand your annoyance.

Oh, I understand it, too.

But what I don't understand is

where's my car?

Well, let's be fair now.

Do you by any chance recall
what you wanted done to the car?

To have it washed.

And waxed.

Don't shrug off
the toughest part.

Do you know how long it
takes for a good wax job?

25 minutes.

25 minutes!

I've never heard
anything more ridiculous!

Hogan, I have to pick
up General Burkhalter

at the station in 45 minutes.

General Burkhalter? Yes.

Your car will be ready.

Without fail?

Put yourself in my hands.

How long would it take
you to wash that car?

Oh... Oh, ease up, Schultz.

We're going as fast as we can.

Cor, blimey...

All right, come
on, quit the stall

and get this car washed
and waxed. On the double.

Move it!

Oh, we get better
treatment from the enemy.

Thank you, Newkirk.

Schultz, you better

get over to Klink's office.

Tell him his car will
be ready in ten minutes.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I mean, Klink...

Oh, you know what I mean!

Sir, what do you mean...?
What's happening?

Klink's got to pick up
Burkhalter at the station.

This is one time we're going

to give him all the
help we possibly can.

Who cares about
General Burkhalter?

The German High Command.

If he should be captured
by the underground,

we'd be in a very good
position for a trade.

General Burkhalter

for Hans Wagner?

Right.

Kinch, radio Karl Wagner.

Tell him to set up an ambush

on the Hammelburg Road.

Klink and Burkhalter
should be starting

back here about 12:15.

12:15. Right.

And, uh, Kinch? Yeah?

Tell him to hold Burkhalter

till we work out the details.

Okay.

All right, come on.

Let's get this car
washed and waxed.

I'll help.

Schultz, I can't understand

why the General
wasn't on that train.

It isn't like him to
be late for anything.

No, it isn't.

That's one thing I must say
in General Burkhalter's favor,

not that I haven't
got a lot of things

to say in his favor, but...

Schultz, stop your weaseling.

Like all of us, the general
has his good points,

as well as his faults.

Yeah.

What do you think my faults are?

Oh.

Oh.

I wasn't talking about
you, Herr Kommandant.

You know, Schultz,
the trouble with you is,

you're afraid to say
anything you think.

Filled with fear.

Frightened to express
any kind of opinion.

Oh, no, Herr Kommandant.

I talk about you all the time

when you are not around.

Oh, shut up and drive.

You men, get the
car off the road.

What's the matter with you?

Can't you hear good?

My hearing's fine.

How's your eyesight?

Right now, 20/20.

You, out of the car.

Schultz, just drive
around the car.

Get out of the car, I said!

If you want me to
get out of this car,

you're going to
have to drag me out.

You are assaulting
a German officer.

That is a very serious offense.

Give this message
to the Gestapo.

Jawohl.

Schultz, why are
you sitting there?

You wait five minutes

and then get that message

to Gestapo headquarters.

Schultz, do something!

Yes, Herr Kommandant,

I'm going to do something.

I'm going to wait
here five minutes

before I deliver this message.

Four minutes, 59 seconds.

Four minutes, 58 seconds.

Everybody after them.

After them.

They kidnapped the commandant.

They kidnapped him...

Did Schultz say what
I'm hoping he didn't say?

That crazy kid brother
must have grabbed

both Burkhalter and Klink.

Then I threw myself in
front of the Kommandant,

since it was my
duty to defend him,

even at the risk of my own life.

Then why are you still alive?

Because the man said
they're going to shoot me

if I didn't get out of the way.

Did he say why
he did it, Schultz?

No, but he gave me this.

Must be some kind
of a ransom note.

I bet the underground wants
to make a prisoner trade.

General Burkhalter
and Colonel Klink

for Hans Wagner.

Burkhalter? They got him, too?

Yeah, with Colonel Klink.

Didn't they?

You went to the
station to pick him up.

Yeah, but he
wasn't on the train.

So we were going
back to see if he's here.

This note says

they will trade General
Burkhalter for Wagner.

They've mistaken Klink
for General Burkhalter.

Colonel Hogan?

What made you think they
had General Burkhalter?

Don't ask me.

I can't think when
my stomach's turning.

If you do not let me go,

I shall break out
of here myself!

They haven't made
a wine cellar yet

that can hold me!

Guard?

Guard?!

Karl, he's knocked
down the door.

Oh, no. He's sound asleep.

Probably a sudden
draft blew it down.

But he could escape.

I think Burkhalter
has more sense.

Excuse me?

I'm not General Burkhalter.

You have to be.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Here's my identification.

You're lying.

I don't think so, Karl.

He doesn't look like

he has the brains
to be a general.

True.

That's absolutely
true, Fraulein.

"Colonel Wilhelm Klink."

Colonel, huh?

Oh, oh.

Oh, that is a promotion
I did not deserve, sir.

I did not deserve it, no.

I believe you.

And obviously,

you have some very
influential friends, yeah?

Influential friends?

Oh, oh.

Oh, my friends
don't mean anything.

I mean, they are farmers...

shopkeepers,

factory workers.

Oh, all my friends are nobodies.

Even my enemies are nobodies.

I am a nobody.

I have failed, Ilse.

We go after a general,

and we get this nobody colonel.

He's of no use to us at all.

Well, in that case, I better go

before I wear out

my welcome.

You stay right here.

You're not much, but
in some small way,

I'll avenge my brother tomorrow.

Why don't we shoot him today?

Huh?

You're going to shoot me?

Well, since you are
not important enough

to be exchanged for
my brother, why not?

Oh, you're wrong.

You're quite wrong.

Uh, I was being modest.

Actually, I am considered
one of the general's

most important men.

Well, who besides you
considers you this, huh?

General Burkhalter does.

We've become fast friends.

I'm really more
than just his friend.

Uh, we have what you might
call a father/son relationship?

Now, when he hears about this,

your brother will
be out like a shot.

I mean, very quickly.

Message from General Burkhalter.

Ah, from Papa!

Didn't I tell you?

Y-You should have asked

for a thousand in gold more.

I'm a real catch.

"Hans Wagner will be executed
tomorrow as scheduled."

Schultz, I want you
to describe the man

who gave you this note.

Well, he had, uh,
black boots, and...

Never mind how he was dressed.

What did he look like?

A German Luger.

Major Hochstetter,

I'm glad I caught
you before you left.

I won't be leaving
for three days.

Yeah, but you'll
probably be too busy then.

He is busy now.

General Burkhalter, what train

did you come in on?

I didn't come in on any train.

Well, Colonel Klink thought

you were taking
the Berlin Express.

Just because he's afraid to fly,

he thinks everybody
else is, too?

That Dummkopf let me wait
at the airport for two hours.

Certainly is annoying, General,

but I've got something
much more important

to discuss right now.

I'm not interrupting
anything, am I?

Of course you are.

I've never seen you

when you are not
interrupting something.

Well, what I have to say
will only take a second.

All right, Hogan.

What is it?

Well, I understand

the underground will
release Colonel Klink

if the Gestapo
frees Hans Wagner.

Isn't that what
they're demanding?

Yeah, that's what
they're demanding.

Klink goes free if
Wagner goes free.

I certainly call
that a fair deal.

Yeah, so would I,

if I were on the other side.

Hans Wagner is the brains

of the entire
underground operation.

He's highly intelligent,
courageous, and a leader.

What about Colonel Klink?

What about him?

Well, he's also a man

of outstanding
qualities, right, Schultz?

Absolutely.

Such as?

Oh, there are so many.

Name one.

Well, there are not that many.

The execution
takes place tomorrow

as scheduled.

And then Wagner's
brother shoots Colonel Klink.

Now, come on, General,

think of how long you've
known Colonel Klink.

Think of the things

you two have been
through together.

If I do, I'm liable to
shoot him myself.

Schultz?

Jawohl.

Colonel Hogan is leaving.

Yeah?

Good-bye.

Dummkopf! Take him out of here.

Raus! Out, out, out!

I'm going. I'm going.

And stay out!

If there was only some way

to make Klink important
enough to trade.

Hmm...

Colonel... Quiet.

I think Colonel Hogan's

about to come up
with another one

of those great ideas.

He had that same
look on his face

the other night when
he got us into this mess.

W-we got in this mess,

so it wasn't just...

It's all right, Carter.

You're right.

I thought of the kidnap job.

But this idea might do it.

Do what?

What does the
name "Nimrod" mean?

He's the finest
intelligence man we have.

Yeah, the Germans offered

a four million marks
reward for his capture.

What's he got to
do with it, Colonel?

He's the mystery man of the war,

operates right in the
German's backyard,

personally responsible
for the Nazi's defeat

in two major campaigns,

all the while posing as the
commandant of a prison camp.

No kidding.

Which one?

The infamous Stalag 13.

Wow!

Come on, Colonel. Not Klink.

Yes.

That fumbling, bumbling
Colonel Wilhelm Klink.

Hardly anyone would
believe that story.

You think the Krauts will?

It all depends on
how well we tell it.

Naturally, you will do
everything in your power

to apprehend the parties
responsible for this outrage.

May we leave no stone unturned.

Oh, don't go to
all that trouble.

Klink's private line
is ringing; that's odd.

Hello.

Is it safe to talk, Klink?

Ja, it's safe.

Well, we've got another
one for you, Nimrod,

and it's a big one, old boy.

Anyone there wise to you yet?

Uh, no.

Good show.

After this, Nimrod,
G-2's pulling you out.

Now I have a coded message.

Listen closely.

Ja...

Ja...

Ja.

Memorize it, old boy.

And then eat it.

We've got him. We've got him.

We've got who?

Nimrod.

Nimrod, that British agent?

Ja, that's right.

The most wanted man in
Germany and we've got him.

No, we don't got
him. They got him.

But we can still get him.

What are you babbling about?

That phone call...
It was a message...

Oh, excuse me a moment, General.

"Mairzy Doats Little Boy Blue."

I realize this is hard
to believe, General,

but Klink...

Hochstetter!

Take that paper
out of your mouth.

Oh, sorry, General.

I got so excited.

This news has me so excited.

Here, read this.

You read it to
me, please, Major.

Well, it's in code.

It's some kind of
instructions for Nimrod.

I'll call headquarters

and have them send
over a cryptologist.

No, wait a minute.
I am a cryptologist.

I was the top man in my unit.

This will be no trick at all.

I got it. I told you.

Didn't I tell you I
could break this code?

For two hours you have
been telling me that.

What they're using here

is a variation on the
old Vessenhofer cipher...

Basic vowel substitutes.

"A" becomes "E"
if followed by "P."

When preceded by "U,"
then "E" becomes "B,"

and "U" becomes "P"

and sometimes "Y."

Except after "C."

However, what
they've done here...

Just read the message.

The message is "I am foul.

Clerch let in Cradnick."

This is the message?

Obviously, it's not the code.

Ja, obviously,
that's not the code.

Oh, it's the old
double look message.

I will crack this
in no time at all.

Why don't you just
call headquarters

and let them send
over an expert?

This whole thing
doesn't make sense.

The idea of Klink

being a British
agent is ridiculous.

Ja, I could not
believe it myself,

but you were here, you
heard the phone ring,

you saw me write
down the message,

so you know I'm not crazy.

Yes, I heard the phone ring.

I heard you say, "Mairzy Doats,"

and I watched you
eat a wad of paper.

They've been long
enough with the code.

Now's the time to move in.

Newkirk. Sir.

You know what to do. Right.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

I was told to come and clean
out the commandant's office.

Go ahead.

You might as well
start with that desk.

Right, sir.

He's been keeping
you busy I see, sir.

Get me Gestapo
headquarters, please.

Oh, my goodness me.

The old Wellington cipher.

Wellington cipher?

It's the first one
they taught us

at cryptology, this was.

I don't suppose
they've used this code

for, oh, over 100 years.

We have just been
talking about that ourselves.

Yes.

You know this Wellington cipher?

Well, I'm not an expert
like the major, sir.

Don't be too sure of that.

Let's see if your translation
is the same as his.

All right, sir.

Be a bit of a challenge.

I haven't done this for years.

Very simple, though.

Now I make it out to be...

"Secret plans... hidden..."

What is this?

Looks like a name.

Hilda.

"Secret plans
hidden Hilda's desk."

Does that sound
right to you, sir?

That sounds perfect.

I thought it would.

Well, that does it.

I've taken all the
necessary precautions.

In a few minutes, Nimrod
will be my prisoner.

It just doesn't seem possible,

how I could have
been so fooled by Klink.

Ah, Nimrod is a
very brilliant man.

Yes, but Klink is
such a stupid one.

That is where he
was truly brilliant.

You only thought he was stupid.

Everybody thought he was stupid.

How do you suppose he got these?

I haven't even been
shown these plans.

Odd-looking aircraft, isn't it?

Yeah, it seems awfully big.

Any time now.

Now, let us remember
to act calmly, General.

I do not want him
to suspect anything

when he walks in.

These guards are trigger-happy,

and I want Nimrod alive.

Why don't we take
our positions over here?

It will look as if we are
just about to say good-bye.

That should be a very
natural scene, huh?

He's here.

He's here. He's here.

Hold your fire.

General, why don't
you stand over here,

and I will stand right over here

behind the office door

and being shaking
hands with you.

Why don't we just be saying
good-bye under the desk?

Oh, General Burkhalter.

Oh, Major Hochstetter.

Oh, my dear friends.

What I have been through.

Don't move or you're a dead man.

I don't understand.

Don't you, Nimrod?

Nimrod?

What is your real name?

My name is Wilhelm Klink.

Now, anyone knows that.

You all know
that... Wilhelm Klink.

This is a joke?

A little prank?

Oh, marvelous.

After what I've been through,
I could use a good laugh.

No one else could
use a good laugh?

Bah, after a little
questioning at headquarters,

we will see who laughs last.

Fraulein Hilda, will you
please send for my car?

If ever I saw a guilty
man, that is the one.

He still looks like
stupid old Klink to me.

I think, General,
you will be convinced

once I have gotten
a signed confession.

All right.

Just want to see the
commandant a moment.

The commandant will not
be seeing anyone for a while.

It'll only take a second.

I wanted to ask if he
had gotten the plans yet

for the Hindenburg.

The men are eager to
get to work on the models

that they got from
the Red Cross.

Hindenburg?

Models?

Ooh, there they are.

That's swell.

Oh, you got the
plans, too? Good.

Give my best to Klink.

The plans... you
gave him the plans.

Those plans are for a dirigible.

A big bag filled with hot air,

just like you.

But the phone call, the code...

Hello?

Major Hochstetter.

Hello, Hochstetter here.

Just called to let you know

that Hans Wagner arrived safely.

I do hope Colonel
Klink did, too.

Oh, and awfully nice doing
business with you, Major.

How do you volunteer
for the Eastern Front?

No problem.

I'll have you there by tomorrow.

All right, Carter, you're
my dishwasher tonight.

Let somebody else do it.

I want to get this
finished before lights-out.

Work before play,
dishwasher. Come on.

Who's playing?

Colonel said we were
building model planes.

I think we better
have some around

in case they decide
to check out the story.

That's using your head, Carter.

When will you have that done?

Guess about the same time
those dishes are finished.

Oh, really? All
right, all right.

I'll do the dishes. I
can use the humility.

Andrew, this doesn't
look like the Hindenburg.

Well, give me a
chance to finish.

After I put on the rocket mounts

and the turbo jets
and the canons,

then it's going to look
like the Hindenburg.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Rocket mounts? Turbo jets?

That's what it
says in the plans.

Messerschmitt
XL-12 jet propulsion.

These aren't the plans
for the Hindenburg.

Where'd you get them?

Well, they were in the box

with the model parts.

They were folded up
in the top like this one.

It's a note.

"My dear Colonel,

"clever the way you got
Wagner out of that prison camp.

"Kindly be just as clever

"and get these
plans out of this one.

"Till we meet again...

Nimrod."