Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 14 - Man in a Box - full transcript

Now, the building is right here

on the edge of town.

Oui, Colonel, I see it.

The Krauts want privacy, huh?

Security.

The place is full of
research equipment.

They're working on
a new magnetic mine.

It explodes if
you just look at it.

Nice. Very nice.

London wants information...

Diagrams, formulas,
any notes they have.



They also want
pictures of the interior.

Oui, Colonel, I have the camera.

Smile.

Okay. You'll rendezvous

with our underground
contact, Luise,

right here.

And if she doesn't show up?

You carry on alone.

What am I supposed to do...
Stop somebody on the street?

Pardon, monsieur.

Can you get me into the building
where they are doing research

on a magnetic
mine, s'il vous plaît?

Luise will be there.

She's reliable.



I want you to get back
here as fast as you can.

No bars, no cafes and no girls.

Do you mind if I
smile at people?

Only if it's
absolutely necessary.

Now, you got your
identity papers?

I am a French
collaborator from Vichy

looking for a job to help
the German war effort.

You rat.

Colonel, the guys
are almost ready.

Okay. Hilda will start
moving in five minutes.

Now, good luck, LeBeau.

This is a very important
mission, so don't blow it.

Right. Let's go.

Oh, come on, Schultz.

You're a born killer.

That's enough.

Hey, Colonel, look at us.

We're on K.P. Great.

Yeah, Colonel, how
come they volunteered?

Well, they need the
experience, Schultz.

Yeah, make a lovely
trade for after the war.

Come on, Schultz.

Huh?

Oh, blimey, look at that.

Hey, Colonel, look at that.

Ho-ho.

Yeah.

Now that's what I want
for Christmas, Schultz,

and don't bother wrapping it.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

You already did
that one, Schultz.

How do you know? You
were looking at Fraulein Hilda.

And I'm gonna stand right
here until she comes back.

All you can think
about is girls, huh?

No, there's one other thing.

Yeah, what?

Women.

Women.

Tell Unit Number Four to
begin searching east of town.

I repeat, east of town.

Unit Number Seven
will concentrate

on the woods to the north.

You have your
orders. Get on with it.

I'll have that little
cockroach back in this camp

before you can say
"Martin Bormann."

Did he escape, too?

Dummkopf. You know nothing.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

I mean, no, no, Herr Kommandant.

Schultz, you are supposed
to smell out these escapes

before they happen.

He'd have to read the mind
of every prisoner in this camp.

He can't even read his own.

Hogan, you are very smug.

Your little escape committee
undoubtedly had a meeting,

and this is the result.

Could be. You are
supposed to have

advance knowledge
of these things.

Well, if you'd come to a
meeting of the Escape Committee

once in a while, you'd know
what's going on around here.

Silence!

Quiet! Silence!

You did me already.

What interests me is
the method of escape.

Herr Kommandant, maybe a tunnel.

Impossible.

Why do you think I
have you patrolling

all over the compound?

If there were a tunnel,
the ground would collapse.

The tunnel could be very deep.

Schultz is heavier
than the tunnel is deep.

Danke, Herr Kommandant.

Excuse me, Herr Kommandant.

What do you want?

The Burgermeister from
Hamburg is on the telephone.

Oh, good.

Hello? Hello, Herr
Burgermeister.

Good day. Heil Hitler.

Herr Burgermeister,

we're having a little
problem here at Stalag 13,

and I would like
your cooperation.

One of our prisoners has
foolishly tried to escape.

Oh, he's just one little
Frenchman about so high.

He's no danger to anyone.

Except girls. Ja, girls.

Silence.

Me, or him?

Herr Burgermeister,

I would appreciate the help

of your small, but
efficient, police force.

What?

Of course the
Luftwaffe can handle it.

Yes.

Thank you, Herr Burgermeister.

Imagine the nerve of this man

telling me that the
Luftwaffe is inefficient.

He isn't even wearing a uniform.

Herr Kommandant,

the Burgermeister
is 72 years old.

He has sight only in one eye.

So, what kind of
an excuse is that?

Commandant, I'd like
to volunteer my services

to recapture Corporal LeBeau.

One of your own men?

How? Why?

I want the answer to
the first question first.

Well, if one of your
gang grabs him,

he might get hurt.

Let me go into town alone,

in civilian clothes,
I'll get him for you.

Aha, that's the answer to
the second question: Why?

You will escape.

You have my word as an officer.

Not good enough.

Not good enough for me either.

Silence!

I'm sorry, Schultz.

He's got me doing it now.

Hogan, your request is denied.

I do not need your help
in recapturing the prisoner.

This is still the most secure
POW camp in all of Germany.

There has never been
a successful escape

from Stalag 13.

And all your bosses
in Berlin know it.

My reputation as camp
commandant speaks for itself.

Okay, tovarich.

"Tovarich"?

Yeah. You'll have
to speak for yourself

at the eastern front,

you may as well
know a word or two.

Hmm, that's a very good idea.

Oh, shut up.

Dismissed.

You take the "shut up,"

I'll take the "dismissed."

Sergeant, wait for me here.

I'll talk to Hogan alone.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Had a bad day,
right, Commandant?

Not at all.

He's been seen
in several places.

As a matter of fact,

I've had a very
encouraging report

from Unit Number Seven

just before I came
over here, and...

Yes, yes, I've had
a very bad day.

Want to reconsider
my offer, correct?

Yes.

I'm going to let
you try it your way.

Okay, I'll go into
town tomorrow.

I want complete
freedom of action.

Do we understand
each other, Colonel?

We do, but if you
go back on your word

and try to escape yourself,

I'll have you brought
back in chains.

You can't even recapture
a five-foot corporal,

how you going to
catch a six-foot colonel?

Hmm, I never
worry about details.

Me, in civilian clothes,
Herr Kommandant?

Yes.

Now you will follow
Hogan everywhere in town.

I believe it's called "tailing."

But Herr Kommandant,
I've never been a tail.

I'm not sure I can do it.

Look, a prisoner has escaped.

Your commanding officer's
reputation is in danger,

and all you can think
about is yourself?

What about me?

You wouldn't try to
escape, would you?

These papers are in order...

Military pass, working permit,

but why did you bring
him here, Fraulein?

He stopped me on the street

and asked me where
he could get a job.

That is rather strange.

He's a foreigner.

What gave you the idea

this is a factory, Fraulein?

Well, I heard it in town.

You know, the word is passed.

This is not a factory.

We do not hire just anyone.

The people you see
are sent to us from Berlin.

I'm sorry, I didn't know.

François.

Uh?

We must try elsewhere.

There's nothing for you here.

C'est dommage.

Such a nice place.

Merci, madam.

Au revoir.

Heil Hitler.

He's hiding at my place
waiting for orders. Good.

He's teaching my mother
how to make potato soufflé.

He's a nice, little man.

Yeah, be careful of him.

He creeps up on
people, especially girls.

I hope he got good pictures.

We'll know in a few hours.

Tell LeBeau I want him
back in camp tonight.

Come in through
the emergency tunnel.

I understand, Colonel.

And, uh, once we
study the layout...

Oops.

There he is, Sam Spade,
the giant economy size.

It's my shadow.

Is he following you?

Yeah. Keeps losing me.

I have to stop and
wait for him to catch up.

He's not dangerous?

Only if he gets
dizzy and falls on me.

Keep him busy a
few minutes, will ya?

I'm going to go
out the back way.

Got a light, big boy?

Any time, baby.

You must be new here in town...

I haven't seen you before.

Just passing through.

Welcome to our fair city.

I'm Luise Muller.

What is a nice girl like you

doing in a place like this?

What is your name?

Well...

I can't think of a name...

Name...

Schmidt. Wilhelm Schmidt.

I bet people call you "Willie."

And many other things.

How about buying a lady a drink?

Pleasure.

A drink for the lady,
make it a good one.

A lulu for Luise.

Oh, I love a man
with a sense of humor.

Oh, you came to
the right place, baby.

Prosit.

Good evening.

Are you having a good time, hmm?

Marvelous.

Ooh. I'm so glad.

Who is this creep?

Please, this creep
happens to be my...

Where, may I ask, is the package

you're supposed
to be looking after?

Package? What package? What...?

Oh, oh, Luise Muller.

Hogan.

Hogan.

Colonel Hogan package.

He is sitting right over...

there.

You Dummkopf, go find him.

Jawohl, Mr. Creep.

Oh, I mean, Mr. Commandant.

Uh, do you have
a light, big fellow?

Anytime... for a lady.

They keep the blueprints
and sketches in here, Colonel.

That's a pretty big safe, huh?

Oui, and strong, too.

All right, we're going
to need some nitro.

Carter? I'm your man.

I got some nitro
I've been saving

for a special
occasion like this,

and believe me,
when this job's over,

if you don't come over to me
and say, "Carter" or "Andrew,

that's the greatest
nitroglycerin I..."

At ease, Carter.

Louis, you ever
cracked a safe before?

I have studied under
one of the great masters.

Oh, he'll manage.

No genius, mind you,
but he can bring it off.

I want you take as
many of the blueprints

and the research
material that you can carry.

On your way out,
set fire to the place.

How does he get
in there, Colonel?

Yeah, good question.

There are no
windows, only one door,

and a 24-hour guard.

All right, the Krauts get
their supplies by truck

every Thursday from Dusseldorf,

according to Luise.

Boxes of chemicals, testing
equipment, stuff like that.

We're going to stop that truck

on the Hammelburg Road,

and we're going to put
one extra box on the truck.

In that extra box will be
our, uh, brave little friend.

You're joking.

What do you think,
brave little friend?

I want a lawyer.

I can understand
him being in a box

after they catch him, but...

Leave off, Carter.

Blimey, sir, a man
could get killed

just being in the
same army as you.

What do you got
in mind, Colonel?

I would have asked myself,

but I'm already
shaking too much.

Well, Krauts will take that
extra box into the laboratory.

LeBeau will have
everything he needs with him.

As soon as it's quiet, he
breaks out and does the job.

At least you'll have
a box of your own.

For a nice military funeral.

Colonel, the Krauts are
looking for Louis right now.

They could easily connect
that sabotage to him.

Not if our timing is good.

There's a barn right here.

It's not too far
from the laboratory.

When you've done the job,

get there as fast as you
can, go in through a side door.

I'll make sure
you have an alibi.

I want a lawyer and a priest.

All right, measure
him for the box.

Come over here, laddie.

Do you fancy a bit of
padding in the shoulders, sir?

No.

Make sure he has plenty of room.

And, uh, Sam, don't
make the nails too long.

Couple of fine private eyes.

You guys ought to
invest in some lessons.

That's enough, Hogan.

Did you find out anything?

How could I?

You scared off my contact.

Maybe you could find her again.

With your help, I suppose.

Oh, shut up.

You can find LeBeau yourself.

I'm out of it.

Hogan, just a minute.

Frankly, our search
has turned up nothing.

Are you willing to try again?

Well, okay, but
no tails this time.

I want complete
freedom of action.

I guaranteed I would not try
to escape, and that still goes.

Of course.

By now you must know
that I trust you implicitly.

Fine.

One wrong move,

and you'll be in
the cooler so long

it won't be worth coming out.

Dismissed.

Hey, Schnitzer... Hmm?

I don't understand this
extra trip for the dogs.

Do I tell you how to
guard the prisoners?

Nein. Do I ask you

why you put on ten more pounds?

Nein.

Schultz, do you understand

what I'm trying to say to you?

Nein.

Mind your own bloody business!

Mmm, hmm-hmm.

It is good to see your
old, jolly self again.

Well, Hans, auf Wiedersehen.

You all right, Louis?

He's okay, sir.

Thanks. He may
even get to like it.

Maybe not.

Watch it... here they come.

Gestapo.

Papers, please.

All right, everything
seems to be in order.

Proceed,

and drive carefully.

Colonel Klink
speaking. Heil Hitler.

Commandant, I found LeBeau.

Excellent, Hogan;
bring him in at once.

It's not that easy.

He's holed up in a barn

outside of town
on the north road.

I said bring him
in... That's an order.

He wants a guarantee

that he won't get more
than 30 days in the cooler.

Well, give it to him.

I can always change my mind.

It only takes ten minutes
to assemble a firing squad.

He wants it from you in person.

Such arrogance.

I'll order a squad over there
and bring him in by force.

Ugly scene, Commandant.

The Gestapo might
get into the act.

I don't care about the Ge...

All right, Hogan.

I'll be there as soon as I can.

Right, Colonel.

I'll wait for you at the barn.

Hogan, what's the situation?

He's got himself
barricaded in there, sir.

I've been talking to
him through the door.

I'll do more than talk to him.

Schultz, surround the place.

Hold it, hold it.

He says he has a grenade.

He'll use it if you
try to rush him.

Don't surround the place.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

That little cockroach
must be nuts!

What does he want,
an engraved invitation?!

He wants to talk to you, sir.

He says you're the
only one he can trust.

Me?

Now I know he's nuts.

I had no idea he felt this way.

To know you is to trust you.

It is?

Oh, of course.

Let's talk to him.

LeBeau... Colonel Klink is here.

Go ahead, sir.

Corporal LeBeau,

this is your
commandant speaking.

Can you hear me?

I don't hear anything.

That's because
you talk too much.

Colonel, please.

LeBeau, I am trying to help you.

What is it you want?

Your word of honor
that he won't get more

than 30 days in the
cooler for the escape.

Is that right, LeBeau?!

That's right, sir.

This time I heard him.

Now I know where we stand.

And of course, you must realize

that being the commandant
of a prisoner of war camp

is not the easiest
thing in the world.

You must try to see things
from my point of view.

I try to be fair in
all my dealings

with the unfortunate men

who have been
placed in my charge.

Open the door!

Who's in there?!

Open the door, or I'll shoot!

Open the door!

And I recall when I
was a cadet in Potsdam

and one of my instructors...

A Colonel Schleswig... oh, a
fine officer and a great gentleman.

He was later
executed by Hitler...

After all, nobody's perfect.

He said to me, "Authority
is a dangerous thing

in the hands of fools."

And you know,

I thought that remark
was so brilliant,

I had my mother...
God rest her soul...

Embroider it on a pillow for me.

What mothers wouldn't
do for their children.

Unfortunately,
I lost that pillow

when my canoe overturned

on a "Strength
Through Joy" trip.

But the philosophy
lives on forever.

Now, if you give
yourself up, believe me,

I will not be a fool and
misuse my authority.

Oh, beautiful!

Bravo!

LeBEAU: Kommandant
Klink, I believe you!

I will surrender!

One of the great leaders of men.

Bring your men.

If he makes one wrong move,

shoot to kill.

Also a man of great warmth.

LeBeau, I will
now open the door.

Come out with your
hands up, understood?

LeBEAU: Oui, Herr Kommandant!

I understand!

Where's your grenade?

I had it a minute ago.

I must have lost it.

Search the area!

I was bluffing, sir.

You...! Schultz, take him away.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Come on, you. Bluff!

And this, my dear Hogan,

is how you recapture
an escaped prisoner

without any bloodshed,
without any trouble.

So inspiring to see a
great man at work, sir.

I imagine it is.

Uh, oh, by the way,
I was wondering, uh,

you busy Monday night?

No, I don't think so. Why?

We're having another meeting
of our Escape Committee.

What?

It would be great

if you could address
our little group.

Two of your prisoners
are out of camp,

and a very important research
project has been sabotaged.

The prisoners were
with me at the time, sir.

All of you out having
a good time, I suppose.

Oh, that hurts.

Please, sir, let me answer.

Major, I saw the colonel
personally recapture

a very dangerous
prisoner single-handed

just by using psychology.

It was brilliant.

Brilliant!

This man... this man
deserves to be decorated.

A board of inquiry will be
convened in a few days,

and you will all be
required to testify,

and I can promise you...

heads will roll.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

There's a lovable type.

Huh. He does not concern me.

My record stands.

There still has never
been a successful escape

from Stalag 13.

Board of inquiry, indeed.

Just one thing worries
me, Commandant.

I'll be under oath.

I might have to tell them

that I was the one
that found LeBeau

and I was the one that told you

how to smoke him out.

Unless...

Unless what?

Unless LeBeau were
released from the cooler.

Impossible.

Well, maybe the
major didn't mean it

when he said "heads will roll."

I mean, how do you
roll a head if you...?

I have given this some
very careful thought,

and since LeBeau
did cooperate, I...

Uh, thank you, sir, thank you.

Hogan...!

I don't know what
you were in civilian life,

but as a soldier, you
are a dishonest man...

A blackmailer.

I'm ashamed, sir.

You ought to be.

Don't you want to change?

More than anything in the world.

Good. I'll give you
all the help I can.

Well, maybe I'll be able
to go straight anyway.