Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 13 - Will the Real Colonel Klink Please Stand Up Against the Wall? - full transcript

First, a troop plane
was derailed here.

Then a train carrying fuel

was sabotaged at this point.

And yesterday, a hospital train,

right here, with
Red Cross markings,

was attacked.

They bombed a hospital train?

Blew it to bits, with
the very first bomb.

Only one bomb
destroyed the whole train?

The train was loaded
with ammunition

from the engine to the caboose.



Ah! Three vitally important
shipments destroyed

in four weeks. Terrible.

Shocking.

This next train
must get through.

It is carrying aircraft
engines which the Luftwaffe

needs very badly.

Who knows about the scheduling

of these trains?

Besides me, you mean?

Naturally, General, you
are beyond suspicion.

Thank you.

Advance information is
given only to the commandants

of the POW camps in the area.

Braun, Schlessinger and Klink.



Braun and Schlessinger
are dedicated, loyal officers.

They would not be traitors.

That leaves only Klink.

It would seem so, wouldn't it?

Klink is too stupid to be
part of a sabotage plot.

Then why do you keep
him in his job, General?

Because no prisoner
has ever escaped

from his camp and no
other prison commandant

can match that record.

A perfect cover
up for a traitor,

but he cannot
outwit the Gestapo.

We will catch him.

If he's guilty.

Whether he's guilty or
not, we, at the Gestapo,

deal only in results.

I suppose you have
some sort of a plan?

Ja, I have.

You will have Captain
Herber here, assigned...

You will have Captain
Herber here assigned

to Klink as his aide.

That way you will
have an eye on him

and when he makes
his first mistake,

I will have my traitor.

You can depend on me, sir.

I will get him.

How are they camouflaging
the train with the airplane parts?

At my suggestion, it will be,
to all outward appearances,

a luxury passenger train.

The Berlin Express.

What do you think of the idea?

Oh, I think it is every
bit as good as your idea

for the hospital train.

Well, that takes care
of the hospital train.

Now we've got to be looking for

the next shipment.

Maybe they'll send it
in by covered wagon.

In that case, they can
expect an Indian attack.

Colonel.

Yeah?

Headquarters just
got the recon photos

of yesterday's bombing raid.

They send congratulations.

We aim to please.

And there's a P.S.

Underground reports
of aircraft engines

being shipped by rail.

"We're counting on you."

Hmm.

Newkirk?

Sir?

Did you replace
those missing parts

to Klink's staff car?

Yes, sir. They're
all put back in again.

Take them back out again.

We made need the car tonight.

I wonder what kind of
train they'll use this time.

They've tried to fool us

with an excursion
train, a hospital train...

Hey. It might be a good idea

to disguise this one
as a munitions train.

Yeah.

We'll know all the details

as soon as Klink
gets the schedule.

I saw Schultz taking in the mail

a few minutes ago.

Well, what are we
waiting here for?

We've got a train to catch.

A Captain Herber?

That's very nice of
you, General Burkhalter,

but I don't need an aide.

You see...

Yes, sir.

I need all the help I
can get and shut up.

Thank you, sir. Heil Hitler.

Hogan, what do you want?

I just want to say
good morning, Colonel.

What a lovely
morning it is, too.

The sun is shining.
The sky is clear.

A brisk breeze is blowing.

And when I want a weather
report, I'll turn on the radio.

I left strict instructions
with Sergeant Schultz

not to be disturbed.

Oh, good!

We haven't had one of our

private little chats
in a long time.

And we're not going
to have one, either.

I'm busy and I'm
in no mood for it.

You sound like a man who
could use a little good news.

I certainly could.

And I hope you get some,

because what I
have to say is terrible.

It always is.

Well, it's not really that bad.

It's just, it's going
to take a week

to fix your car.

A week to have my car fixed?

I only took it to the motor
pool to have it washed.

And a lucky thing you did.

Otherwise, my men
wouldn't have found out

what was wrong with it.

It was dirty, that's what was
wrong with it, nothing else.

Colonel Klink! Are
you a mechanic?

Can you honestly
say you're an expert

in gasoline engines?

It takes an expert to see
that a car needs washing?

You haven't driven that car

in quite a while.

Eight parts are missing.
Here's a list of them.

Eight parts are missing?

How?

They didn't just disappear.

By golly, Sergeant Carter
used those very same words.

I guess you are an
expert in mechanics at that.

When I drove the car into town

the other day, it
was perfectly all right.

That's it. They were stolen.

It's the only answer.

Stolen?

The day you drove into
town. Oh, they'll steal anything.

You don't know them like I do.

Those Krauts are as crooked

as a dog's hind leg.

Don't tell me
about those Krauts.

I was born here.

A bigger bunch of
thieves never existed...

Hogan.

If those parts were
gone, how was it possible

for me to drive back here, huh?

Good point.

They must have
been stolen right here

in camp by one of your guards.

They're worse than
those gangsters in town.

How do you know it wasn't one

of the prisoners, hmm?

Why pin it on the prisoners?
They haven't done anything.

No reason to suspect them.

The fact that they're in
jail might be a good start.

They're not here for stealing.

They're here because they're men

who believe in freeing the world

from the yoke of tyranny

and oppression.

Men who believe...

When I want a
long-winded speech,

I'll listen to the Fuhrer.

Are you sure you had nothing
to do with the missing parts?

Me? Yeah, yeah.

I stole them.

For months now I've
been stealing auto parts.

You see, secretly
in the barracks,

we're building a getaway car.

These are a real dust
catchers, these are, Schultz.

So what is it, Schultz?

You buzzed me.

I did not.

Yes, you did, sir.
I saw it myself.

You said I'm going
to check into this thing

and you reached over
and pressed the buzzer.

I did? Mm-hmm.

Oh! Yes, I remember now.

Of course I buzzed you. Yes.

I knew I wasn't hearing
things, Herr Kommandant.

What do you want,
Herr Kommandant?

Well, I... I... What is
it I wanted, Hogan?

You were going to
check into this thing.

Yes.

I want you to check into
this thing and I want you

to check into it thoroughly.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

Check into what thing?

Ask Hogan, I don't even
remember pushing the buzzer.

All right, turn around. Perfect.

Well, sir, what do you think?

Good. Very good.

You think it looks
enough like Colonel Klink

to fool the guards at the gate?

Just talk loud, don't
make any sense

and they'll never
know the difference.

Hey, how about giving
Carter a couple of medals?

Yeah, what sort of
decoration does Klink have?

Stolen.

All right. You've got
everything straight?

Maybe you'd better
run through it once more.

Colonel Klink isn't
too bright, you know.

At 9:55 I go in to
the station master

and I tell him I have this
package that has to go out

on the Berlin Express.

It's of great
military importance.

And if he asks any questions?

I yell and scream at him.

Call him a few 12-letter
names, and if he still gives me

an argument, I think
of something else.

Carter, you overpower
him quickly and quietly.

I think it's much safer to
think of something else.

Andrew, the station
master's a little old man.

Uh-huh, and sometimes
little old men have big ol' guns.

Carter,

civilians aren't allowed to
carry firearms, and besides,

Kinch will be outside
if you need any help.

Right. I'll be right on the
floor in the back of the car

when LeBeau brings it
around to Klink's quarters.

Have you got the dynamite
charge and the timer?

It's all set.

The train picks
up that mail pouch,

30 minutes later, kabloom!

That's what I call a
real special delivery.

Say, could we get in
some sort of trouble

for tampering with the mail?

What a sight.

Suddenly all those
letters will be going by air,

so will the train.

All right, now. Look,
don't hang around.

And for goodness sakes,
don't drive back into the camp.

Ditch the car and come
in through the tunnel.

You better stay
inside tonight, sir,

and keep an eye out
for falling box cars.

I've had a most trying day.

Maybe you should go to bed, sir.

Yes, I could use a
good night's sleep.

Shall I bring a glass of
warm milk to your room?

Yes, Herber.

I assume you want me to
awaken you at 6:30 as usual?

That's right.

Herber... how do you
know about the warm milk

and when to wake me up, hmm?

I make it a point to
learn everything I can

when I am assigned
to a new commandant.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I still don't quite understand

why the General sent me an aide.

It's only fitting

for an officer of your
importance, Colonel.

Of course.

You see, up until now, all
I've had is Sergeant Schultz.

He wasn't much
of an aide though.

From what I've seen,

he isn't much of
a sergeant either.

That's funny. Very funny.

Sergeant Schultz isn't
much of a sergeant either.

Oh, I must remember that.

Good night, Colonel.

Good night, Captain.

You didn't call for your
hot milk, Herr Kommandant,

but I fixed it anyway.

Thank you, Schultz.

You don't have to thank me,

Herr Kommandant.

This is all part of being
not much of an aide.

What's the matter with Bruno?

It's the uniform.

You know how he hates Germans.

You have to get out
now, Bruno. Go on.

Bruno, you've got things to do.

Get out of the car.

Well, it's almost time
for the Fuhrer's speech.

This should be one of
his longest speeches.

About five hours, I guess.

That always gets him.

How about the
package of dynamite?

I've got it back here.

Come on, the train's
due in 45 minutes.

Good luck.

Carter's got a lot
to do on this one.

I hope he doesn't foul up.

You don't have to
worry about Carter, sir.

When the chips are down,

there is no one
I'd rather have...

Kinch is with
him, isn't he, sir?

Yeah.

Well, then, you
don't have to worry

about Carter, 'cause
when the chips are down,

there's no one I'd rather have
backing me up than Kinch.

Carter made it through

the main gate with no problems.

So far, so good.

Klink's up awfully late.

I thought you said
he'd gone to bed.

Good news, Major.

Klink is our man,
no question about it.

Who's that?

Klink's new aide.

I knew it.

What information do you have?

Well, after trying to make me
believe he was going to bed,

he got in his car
and I saw him leave.

He was headed for
the railroad station.

Huh. You have done a
fine night's work, Captain.

Now, look around Klink's office

and see if you can find any
more incriminating evidence.

Then telephone
the stationmaster,

and tell him to
contact the train

to put Plan B into effect.

Got to intercept that phone
call or we lose Carter and Kinch.

Newkirk, get down
to our switchboard.

We haven't had a
tie to Klink's office

since the last inspection.

LeBeau, go get Kinch's stuff.

I'll stall Herber while you rig,

and don't waste any time.

Right.

Newkirk, when he
makes the call, you take it.

Jawohl, mein Colonel!

So you like Commandant...

Oh, I'm sorry, you must
be Colonel Klink's new aide.

I'm Colonel Hogan,
senior officer...

What are you doing here?

Well, I just came to discuss

something with the commandant.

Why did you walk in
here without knocking first?

Well, I really would have

given you some kind of warning,

but how did I know
you were trying

to break into Klink's desk?

I wasn't breaking into the desk.

I was looking for
something I misplaced.

If it's the letter opener,

it's still stuck in the drawer
where you misplaced it.

I don't think I care for
your attitude, Colonel,

or your insulting accusations.

I didn't mean to be insulting.

Evidently I owe you an apology.

I, uh, I say just
because we're enemies,

there's no reason
we can't be friends.

Why did you shut the curtains?

Well, you didn't want them open.

Why didn't I?

Let me ask you
something, Captain...

how long you been a crook?

I told you before, Colonel,

I will not stand
for your insults.

What insults?

I didn't say you were a
bum crook, or a stupid crook.

I just asked how
long you've been one,

and let me tell you
something else.

You're not going to
be one much longer

if you don't close the curtains

when you're
ransacking an office.

I wasn't ransacking the office.

I have a very good
reason for being here.

A very legitimate reason.

Captain, you don't
have to explain to me.

You're a prisoner of war.

I don't have to answer to you.

No, you don't.

Then stop asking me
questions and get out of here!

Okay, okay, I'm leaving.

Let me just say,
you're not going

to get very far in
the crook business

with that nasty temper.

Otto Knobel, stationmaster.

Was ist los?

This is Captain
Herber of the Gestapo.

Jawohl, jawohl, Captain.

This is Otto Knobel,
stationmaster,

at the station house.

Shut up and listen closely.

You are to contact
the Berlin Express

and tell them to switch
to the alternate route.

Jawohl, Captain, to
switch to the alternate route.

Jawohl, Herr Captain.

That was the call, sir.

Watch the board
for a few minutes

in case Herber decides to
call back and double check.

Jawohl, Herr Colonel.

Nice going, Colonel.

For a moment, it looked
like we were in big trouble.

Klink still is.

The Gestapo captain's
practically got him

in front of a firing
squad right now.

But since he didn't have

anything to do
with the sabotage...

all he has to do is
explain where he was

and what he was doing.

Klink went straight
to his quarters

and went to sleep.

This will be a
little hard to prove.

Well, maybe Schultz or someone
had to go into his room and...

Klink has a standing order.

He's not to be
disturbed until morning.

And what a disturbing
morning he's in for.

Facing a firing squad

is a lousy way to
start off the day.

Let's get back upstairs.

I think I know a way
to save Klink's neck.

Morning, Schultz.

Good morning.

Good morning?!

Hogan!

What's wrong, Schultz?

Shh. The commandant is sleeping.

Not after I wake
him, he won't be.

Colonel!

Oh, come on, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan.

Shh!

When the commandant goes to bed,

he does not want
to be disturbed.

There is a sentry
outside in front of the door,

with orders to see that
he's not being disturbed.

So please take your
hand off the door.

But I have to see him
on a very urgent matter.

It will have to wait
until tomorrow, please.

Schultz, will you listen to me?
Take your hand off the door.

It only will take a minute.
It will have to wait, please.

Take you hand off the doorknob.

Okay, Schultz.

I, uh, just hope he isn't mad

at you for not waking him.

Colonel Hogan.

Why do you give up so easily?

No tricks?

Schultz, if you say he is not

to be disturbed, I am
not gonna disturb him.

Oh, I forgot.

Now wait a minute.

Hold it, hold it!

Schultz!

One move or I'll shoot.

I'm an expert shot.

You better stay where you are.

Hogan.

Where's Schultz?

Right here, sir.

Guarding the door.

But I am innocent and loyal.

How could I be part
of a sabotage plot

when I was in bed all night?

Ask my aide, Captain Herber.

He knows where
I was all evening.

Indeed he does.

You would be amazed how
much Herber knows about you.

What do you mean?

He also knows
about your staff car

being delivered to you...

And about being
driven off by you

in an attempt to sabotage
the Berlin Express.

That's impossible.

My car's in the
garage being repaired.

Then why did we find it parked

off the side of the road
just outside this camp?

Maybe it was stolen.

Klink, who would
steal your staff car?

The soldiers.

They'd steal a dog's hind leg.

They're worse than
those gangsters in town.

Dogs, gangsters.
Klink, what are you...?

Well, Colonel
Klink, you don't look

very well rested for
having had all that sleep.

Does he?

General Burkhalter,
there's your man.

I was asleep.

He was not.

Obviously, he's the saboteur

and he's trying to pin it on me.

That is a distinct possibility.

It's the only answer.

Guards!

Arrest that man.

General Burkhalter,

you better arrest that man.

If you let me have
a gun... somebody!

I'll arrest him myself.

Here is your confession, Klink.

You can sign this
on the bottom line.

I'm not going to sign anything.

Hmm. I was hoping
you would say that.

But I haven't done anything.

I was sound asleep
until that clumsy oaf,

Sergeant Schultz,
fell through the...

That's it.

Schultz and Hogan were
in my bedroom tonight.

What time was that?

I'm not sure.

But you can ask
that clumsy oaf...

That fine, loyal,

German fighting
machine, Sergeant Schultz.

I swear, sir, I haven't
done anything.

I always do nothing.

I see nothing, I hear nothing

and above all, I know nothing.

We just want to ask you

a few questions,
Sergeant Schultz.

Forgive me, sir...

Private Schultz.

Private?

Back to private?

When did this happen?

Shortly after I fell through
the Colonel's bedroom door.

Very shortly after.

Now, uh...

Schultz, you didn't take

my little joke
seriously, did you?

You fell through
the bedroom door?

In the line of duty, sir.

In defense of my
commandant against this-this,

this unknown assailant.

I just wanted to
tell the commandant

his car was missing.

What do I get for my trouble?

All privileges
denied for a month.

I don't even want
to talk about it.

Joking, Hogan. Joking.

When will you learn
what a prankster I am?

Exactly what time
did this happen?

About 11:00.

That's about right,
isn't it, Schultz?

Three minutes after.

Three minutes after?

You just happened

to look at your watch, huh?

No, sir, I happened
to sit on it.

It stopped at the very time.

Major Hochstetter here.

What do you mean you
cannot complete my call?

Oh?

I see.

Captain, did you...?

Captain, did you contact

the stationmaster as I told you?

Certainly, sir.

I gave them your
orders word for word.

That's very interesting.

The telephone
lines to the station

have been down all day.

Ja.

Klink!

You are dismissed,
and take them with you.

Certainly, sir. Thank you, sir.

And may I say, never has there

been a wiser and fairer...

Klink! Shut up and get out.

Yes, sir, I'm shutting
up and I'm getting out.

And now... Captain Herber.

Oh! Oh! Herr Kommandant,
please forgive me.

Oh, it was an accident.

Please, Herr Kommandant,
it will never happen again.

Please tell me I'm forgiven.

You're forgiven... private.

And where do you
think you're going?

To see Colonel Klink.

The commandant
went back to sleep

and does not want
to be disturbed,

not by anyone...
Those are his orders.

This is important.

His sleep is important, too.

I'm gonna see him.

And I say you won't.

And I say I will.

You will not!

I will!

Will not!

What's all this noise for?

Oh, I'm glad you're awake.

I'm not. I mean,
I wasn't. I-I...

Hogan, why did you wake me?

I told you he wouldn't like it.

When I can't sleep
because of you,

I think it's only fair that you
shouldn't sleep because of me.

I'm not even going to try

to understand what you said.

Well, Herr Kommandant,
what he means...

I don't want your explanation!

I couldn't sleep thinking
about the injustice

of your taking away my
privileges for a month.

Why don't you cancel the order?

When I give an order it stays.

I never change my mind.

So forget it.

Oh?

All right.

Maybe that won't
be all I'll forget.

I couldn't care less if...

What else will you forget?

Well, I, uh, I might forget

that I was your alibi for
being in your quarters.

Oh, you wouldn't.

He was there. He remembers.

Mm-hmm.

How's, uh... How's

your memory, Private Schultz?

Oh. Sometimes I
remember everything

and then sometimes
I forget everything.

Mm-hmm.

All right.

All privileges restored.

Thank you.

And as for you, Schultz...
I mean Sergeant Schultz.

Oh, thank you,

Herr Kommandant.

This is a moment
I will never forget.

This is one moment I
don't want you to remember.

They said I was
nowhere near that train!

I wonder what was on that
train that was so important.

Eh... my guess would
be airplane parts.