Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 1 - Clearance Sale at the Black Market - full transcript
How can Hogan and his crew keep Sgt. Schultz from being transferred to the Russian Front?
Halt!
Give me the password, baby.
Maria loves Teddy Bear!
All right!
You may pass, baby.
Give me a schnapps.
Ah, she's beautiful.
Maria is beautiful!
Here.
Ah, she's crazy about me.
Ja.
Karl, do you think she
would go out tonight
with a certain tall,
handsome sergeant?
Who did you have in mind?
Mix your drinks.
I'm not interested
in your opinions.
Liebchen.
I would like to talk to you.
Ja?
Ja, ja, ja, ja?
Today I got paid.
Oh, that's nice.
Congratulations.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
So tonight I'll take you to
the Hauserhof for sauerbraten.
You are so romantic.
But I am not
through work till 1:00.
Oh, but by that time, the
sauerbraten will be cold.
Can't you leave
a little earlier?
You'll have to ask my boss.
All right.
Hermann wouldn't dare refuse
one of Germany's brave
fighting men in uniform.
Oh, I thought you
were a teddy bear.
I'm a brave fighting
teddy bear in uniform.
Where is he?
In the office.
How about a little kiss
for good luck, baby?
Maria.
Oh, you are irresistible.
Ah!
Well, I'll go back to work now.
See you later, baby.
Maybe I am... irresistible.
Don't you knock before
you enter a room?
Excuse me.
I just wanted to ask
Hermann something.
What is it?
Can Maria get off a
little earlier tonight?
You see, I got paid...
Impossible.
We are shorthanded as it is.
Excuse me.
I just thought I'd ask.
Excuse me.
Who is that big slob?
Schultz.
He is sergeant of
the guard at Stalag 13.
Huh, he's been there ever
since the place opened.
He was sergeant of
the guard at Stalag 13.
Was?
Now he is on his way
to the eastern front.
Ah, gentlemen, the leader
has 20 and he'll pay 21.
Give me that lovely money.
Throw those cards in, Carter.
Nobody's got 21.
I could have told you
that in advance, couldn't I?
That's what I was afraid of.
Yeah, his fingers have eyes.
Come on, it's only
a game, gentlemen.
Don't get up, gentlemen.
I know playing
cards is verboten,
but why spoil a
beautiful evening?
One of our Krauts has flipped.
If he loses, put it on my bill.
I think he's loaded.
Yes, my dear
friend, I'm loaded...
I'm loaded with love.
Look at that smile.
He saw the girl at the Hofbrau.
Maria?
Ah, she's beautiful.
Beautiful!
Did old Cupid take a
shot at you, Schultz?
Yeah, and broke the arrow.
It's not a joke.
They're just jealous, Schultz.
Who's jealous of what?
Schultz and Maria,
that girl at the Hofbrau,
have been making
music... right, Schultzy?
She calls me... Teddy Bear.
Teddy Bear... how thoughtful.
How revolting.
Don't just stand there, Schultz.
Come on, tell us about it.
Well, she let me kiss her...
Affectionately, you know?
You, uh, put your
arms around her?
What do you think?
I sent her the kiss by mail?
And I suppose, uh, she
put her arms around you?
You said it, big boy.
All the way around?
She must be an orangutan.
Hold it.
Discretion does not permit me
to talk about the
subject any longer.
I am not a man to kiss and tell.
Very nice.
Bravo. Oh, blimey.
I predict a big romance.
You'll be forging passes
to get into town to see her,
shaving every day.
You might even
take off a few pounds.
That is what you've
got to get rid of.
That, my dear
colonel, is all muscle.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Let me show you something.
Stand up straight.
Look down.
Can you see your shoes?
I can't even see the floor.
If you can't see your
shoes, you can't touch them.
Oh, sure I can!
I'll show you.
All right, all right.
LeBEAU: Come on, here we go.
All right, keep your head down.
That's it.
That's better than I thought.
All right, Schultz,
don't overdo it.
I will have to
exercise a little more.
Yeah, you do that.
We'll see you around, Schultz.
Wait a minute.
Don't you want to hear
about Maria anymore?
Oh, it's too exciting.
Makes the natives restless.
Oh, I understand...
Jealousy.
Good night.
Good night, hot lips.
Hot lips.
"Two troop trains through
Hammelburg yesterday eastward...
"Ninth Panzer
Brigade, 14th Infantry,
assault equipment, tight
security precaution. M."
Get that off to
London, huh, Kinch?
Right.
A good system, Colonel.
Maria does the spying and
Schultz carries the messages.
Mm-hmm... we're also making
an important contribution
to military science.
How do you figure that, sir?
We're using the first 300-pound
carrier pigeon in history.
Major Kiegel, I
don't understand.
What has the Gestapo got to
do with Luftwaffe personnel?
Colonel, Berlin has
issued a new directive.
Our orders are to find
men on the home front
and see that they
are transferred
to active duty in combat units.
Danke, Fraulein.
Bitte.
Transfer to combat units.
That's another way of
saying "eastern front."
True, it is.
But why the Gestapo?
That's outrageous!
You think so, do you?
I intend to appeal this
to the high command...
Even to the
Fuhrer, if necessary.
Colonel!
The Fuhrer does not
even know you are alive,
and... you may not be.
I'm beginning to see
what you're driving at.
That is better.
But you're wasting
your time, sir.
My men are not exactly
what you would call
frontline fighting caliber.
How do you classify them?
Well, uh...
They're the dregs.
Really?
But the finest dregs
in all of Germany.
You seem to manage.
I can assure you, Major Kiegel,
that it is my spirit, my
iron will, that has made this
the most secure
camp in all of Germany.
I could run this
place single-handed
if I wanted to, and I...
You want to see
the roster of the men.
I already have it.
Oh, I have always said
you are a marvelously
efficient organization.
Thank you.
Now, there is a great shortage
of noncommissioned
officers on our fighting fronts.
What about this Sergeant
Schultz as a starter?
Him?
In a combat unit?
He couldn't fight his
way out of kindergarten.
He is a sergeant.
Yes.
He's also a big
fat tub of jelly.
Impossible.
The Russian front is
not a beauty contest.
Yes, but Sergeant Schultz...
Even colonels who wear
monocles are needed.
But that's another matter.
I...
What would they be doing there?
I mean...
I think Sergeant Schultz
is a marvelous choice.
Come in, come in, come in.
Herr Kommandant,
Sergeant Schultz
reporting as ordered, sir.
Sergeant Schultz.
Come in, come in.
At ease, at ease.
Would you care for a
little schnapps, huh?
Herr Kommandant, it
is against the regulation
to drink when you are on duty.
That is true.
Wanted to catch me, huh?
Of course not.
I offered you a little drink
because this is a
very special occasion.
Oh, it is?
Indeed it is.
I have some very good
news for you, my boy.
"My boy"?
Ah, how I envy you.
Envy me?
Schultz, I have the
pleasure to tell you,
you are being transferred
to the eastern front.
Isn't that thrilling news?
Thrilling?
I am out of my mind.
What happened, Herr Kommandant?
Did I do something wrong?
Of course not.
You're just being asked
to use your knowledge
and experience
in the service of
the Third Reich.
Yeah?
You want Germany to
win the war, don't you?
Yeah.
Well, by being transferred
to the eastern front,
you can make that possible.
Would it be so bad
if we lost the war?
Schultz, we're going to miss
your sense of humor around here.
Herr Kommandant,
I have flat feet,
I'm overweight,
my eyes are bad...
and I'm not so young anymore.
Oh, that doesn't matter.
How about dandruff?
Come on, Schultz.
I also have nervousness.
You? Nervous?
Don't be silly.
I'm silly, too.
I think at this point,
you would find almost
anything wrong with yourself.
Try me.
I realize you're not
exactly what I would call
a perfect physical specimen.
Now you're on the right track.
But you have something
much more important
than physical perfection.
You have a fighting spirit.
I'll get rid of it.
In these times, my boy, a man
in uniform has two choices...
Either he fights or
he's called a coward.
I'd rather be a coward.
Do you want to
give up the chance
for greater glory
on the battlefield?
Do you want to go on
being called a coward?
Why not?
That's something I understand.
Why would they pick just you?
I'm lucky, I guess.
Sounds fishy to me.
Let's face it...
He's not the greatest
fighting machine in the world.
They thought I was okay
when they took me
in five years ago.
The recruiting sergeant
that signed you up
could be shot for sabotage.
I think somebody's
got it in for him.
I'll buy that.
I have no enemy in the world.
LeBEAU: How about us?
Have you had any trouble
with any of the
officers recently?
I mind my own business.
I know nothing... nothing.
Do anything wrong
in town the other day?
Yeah, you know,
like get drunk maybe.
No, I just went to the
Hofbrau and I saw Maria.
Is it possible some big
shot has his eye on her?
Who would be jealous of Schultz?
Yeah, that's
pretty unbelievable.
It could be that Major Kiegel...
Who's Major Kiegel?
Some Kraut we missed?
Gestapo.
I saw him only twice,
once in Hermann's office
and once when he came here.
Gestapo man came to
camp and I wasn't told?
Where was I?
Listening to the World
Series with the rest of us.
Well, first things first.
Funny... as soon as
Major Kiegel left the office,
Klink gave me the bad news.
Any reason this Major
Kiegel might be sore at you?
No!
Of course, when I came
into Hermann's office,
he was mad at me because
I did not knock on the door.
That's no reason to send
a man to the Russian front.
Now, hold it, hold it.
Anything else happen, Schultz?
No.
He was sitting there in
the office with Hermann,
there was money on the table
and Hermann had a
few bills in his hands...
And you interrupted him.
I guess so.
But he was mad
just for a minute.
Stick around,
Schultz. Be right back.
LeBEAU: Why did you have
to go to Hermann's office?
Well, I wanted to ask...
That message ready for Maria?
Sure.
Got it right here.
"Need locations,
antiaircraft installations,
bomb assembly plant."
All right, add this to it:
"Need information on
Major Kiegel, Gestapo.
Urgent."
All right.
Good, I'll pin this on
our pigeon right now.
Oh, Schultz.
Yeah?
Um...
When are you
going to tell Maria?
Tonight.
It's going to break her heart.
C'est la guerre.
It wouldn't be so bad
if she wouldn't be
so crazy about me.
Mm-hmm.
By the way, how are you coming
with your bending exercises?
How do you like that?
I'm making out my will and he
wants me to do bending exercises!
Can you touch your toes yet?
Please, Colonel Hogan,
I'm not in the mood.
Come on, Schultz.
That's a good boy.
Stop it!
Very good, you keep at it.
Yeah, and I think
you should do it again,
just as soon as you
get back from town,
Right, Colonel?
Oh, by all means.
What for?!
LeBEAU: Practice makes perfect.
And if you're transferred to
one of those combat units,
your life may depend on it.
Survival of the fittest.
What size foxhole
do you take, Schultz?
Please, Carter...
I'd say about 48 stout.
LeBeau, bad taste.
Jolly jokers!
Gute Nacht, Schultz.
Aah!
"Kiegel friendly
with owner of bar."
That must be Hermann
Schultz is always talking about.
"Believe black market operation.
"Storeroom back of bar is loaded
with boxes and merchandise,
kept locked at all times."
A black market operation?
Scratch a Gestapo
man, you find a crook.
Where does Schultz
fit in all this, Colonel?
He walked into Hermann's
office unexpectedly, remember?
And money was being counted.
Mm-hmm.
My guess is he actually
walked in on a payoff.
So Kiegel had him
transferred to the Russian front
for winter sports.
Bloody murder.
Schultz is awful on skis.
Boy, this Major
Kiegel's a terrible person.
We ought to call him on this.
LeBEAU: We don't
let him get away with it.
Oh, sure, we walk up to him
and say, "You're a terrible person.
Pick up your check,
get out of World War II."
Well, old Schultz was
laughs while he lasted.
Oh, now, wait a
minute, wait a minute!
We're not giving up on
Schultz just like that, are we?
Do we have a choice?
We're dealing with
Gestapo here, sir.
I mean, they're proper villains.
Do you realize,
if we lose Schultz,
we get a new Kraut
to take his place?
If we can train him, fine,
but suppose he refuses to
be housebroken? Then what?
He'll be reading our mail
and looking for tunnels.
And maybe finding them.
But how could we save Schultz?
He's practically
quick-frozen right now.
Maybe putting the heat on
Kiegel might be the answer.
Kinch, get that camera
of yours tuned up.
Right.
I'll need some watches, too.
That'll be the bait.
Oh, yeah, and
the fish will take it
and he'll swallow us.
Boy, this is the craziest...
Us saving a Kraut.
Carter, it's not for us alone.
We keep Schultz here,
we could be helping
our Russian allies.
How?
I don't understand that.
How are you going
to help the Russians?
Schultz could very
easily slip on the ice, fall
and wipe out an
entire Russian division.
Derail a troop train, even.
Well, make yourself at home.
I'm a salesman.
I am not interested
in buying anything.
You haven't seen
the merchandise.
Raus.
Junk.
Really, Major?
Oh, you know who I am.
Everybody knows the Gestapo,
and everybody knows
the black market.
You are not a salesman;
you are American.
Who are you?
I'm a friend of
Sergeant Schultz,
and I want you off his back.
Sergeant Schultz, hmm?
I don't want him
to get frostbite.
Really?
Well, considering you
may be arrested and shot,
that is very decent of you.
That's a shot they'll
hear all the way to Berlin.
You're threatening me?
And Hermann.
How did you find out?
Let's just say I'd rather have
your boss, Himmler, find out,
if necessary.
What is your
interest in Schultz?
I like him.
That is not good enough!
For you it is!
I've laid it out for you, Major.
Cancel Schultz's
train reservation
or Gestapo headquarters
gets the whole story.
Well... you are a
very clever salesman.
I will think about it.
You do that.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Wiedersehen.
Well?
I have never seen him before.
Who is he?
It doesn't matter.
He says he knows
all about our business,
claims he has friends in Berlin.
Aah... bluffing.
Maybe, but why take chances?
We will move
everything all at once.
I will bring the truck around.
All right, uh...
What about our newfound friend?
Our former friend?
Kill him.
Let's go.
Schnell, schnell!
That light!
I... I'll take care of it.
No! Keep working.
Get these things out of here!
Not a bad shot.
Give that Kraut one cigar.
All right, all clear.
Got them, Colonel.
Good work.
Let's get back to camp
and develop those pictures, eh?
How many copies you want?
Five or six, nice and sharp.
Something suitable
for blackmail.
Yes, General
Burkhalter, I understand.
Thank you for advising me.
I'll take care of it, you
don't have to worry.
You do worry... yes, sir.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Heil Hitler.
That makes it official.
Any orders given by Major Kiegel
are revoked
effective immediately.
He was arrested by his
own people, the Gestapo.
Arrested, Herr Kommandant?
Black market activity.
Some of the evidence,
even a few photographs
were sent to his superiors
in Berlin by someone.
He was caught in the act.
I never really trusted that man.
Well, then... if his orders
are revoked, that means that...
Your transfer?
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Mmm... that feels so
good, Herr Kommandant!
Please, tear it up once more.
Let me be the first
one to congratulate you.
Thank you, Herr Kommandant!
But, Herr Kommandant,
you congratulated me
when I was going
to the Russian front.
I'm very flexible
in these matters.
May I unpack, Herr Kommandant?
Absolutely.
You may resume your
duties immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
What are you doing?
Well, Herr Kommandant,
we had a drink
when I was about
to be transferred...
One more move...
and I will paste these orders
back together piece by piece.
Dismissed!
All set, Colonel.
Okay.
Schultz will probably
be going into town
tonight for a
little celebration.
Yeah, the mail must go through.
"Neither rain nor snow or..."
Watch it.
How's that go?
Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan!
Guess what!
Congratulations, Schultz.
How do you know?
Just an educated guess.
Maria will be happy when she
hears the news, eh, Schultzy?
Big time in the old
town tonight, huh?
How about getting
this celebration started
with a few bending exercises?
Hold it, hold it!
Hold everything!
I am not going
into town tonight,
I am not going to
see Maria anymore...
That's where the
trouble started.
It's all over,
and I'm not going to do
any bending exercises either!
What happened?
Gentlemen, we saved a
Kraut and lost a pigeon.
I got it!
"Neither rain or
snow or gloom of night
will stay our couriers..."
Carter.
"From these appointed rounds."
It's very famous.
Give me the password, baby.
Maria loves Teddy Bear!
All right!
You may pass, baby.
Give me a schnapps.
Ah, she's beautiful.
Maria is beautiful!
Here.
Ah, she's crazy about me.
Ja.
Karl, do you think she
would go out tonight
with a certain tall,
handsome sergeant?
Who did you have in mind?
Mix your drinks.
I'm not interested
in your opinions.
Liebchen.
I would like to talk to you.
Ja?
Ja, ja, ja, ja?
Today I got paid.
Oh, that's nice.
Congratulations.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
So tonight I'll take you to
the Hauserhof for sauerbraten.
You are so romantic.
But I am not
through work till 1:00.
Oh, but by that time, the
sauerbraten will be cold.
Can't you leave
a little earlier?
You'll have to ask my boss.
All right.
Hermann wouldn't dare refuse
one of Germany's brave
fighting men in uniform.
Oh, I thought you
were a teddy bear.
I'm a brave fighting
teddy bear in uniform.
Where is he?
In the office.
How about a little kiss
for good luck, baby?
Maria.
Oh, you are irresistible.
Ah!
Well, I'll go back to work now.
See you later, baby.
Maybe I am... irresistible.
Don't you knock before
you enter a room?
Excuse me.
I just wanted to ask
Hermann something.
What is it?
Can Maria get off a
little earlier tonight?
You see, I got paid...
Impossible.
We are shorthanded as it is.
Excuse me.
I just thought I'd ask.
Excuse me.
Who is that big slob?
Schultz.
He is sergeant of
the guard at Stalag 13.
Huh, he's been there ever
since the place opened.
He was sergeant of
the guard at Stalag 13.
Was?
Now he is on his way
to the eastern front.
Ah, gentlemen, the leader
has 20 and he'll pay 21.
Give me that lovely money.
Throw those cards in, Carter.
Nobody's got 21.
I could have told you
that in advance, couldn't I?
That's what I was afraid of.
Yeah, his fingers have eyes.
Come on, it's only
a game, gentlemen.
Don't get up, gentlemen.
I know playing
cards is verboten,
but why spoil a
beautiful evening?
One of our Krauts has flipped.
If he loses, put it on my bill.
I think he's loaded.
Yes, my dear
friend, I'm loaded...
I'm loaded with love.
Look at that smile.
He saw the girl at the Hofbrau.
Maria?
Ah, she's beautiful.
Beautiful!
Did old Cupid take a
shot at you, Schultz?
Yeah, and broke the arrow.
It's not a joke.
They're just jealous, Schultz.
Who's jealous of what?
Schultz and Maria,
that girl at the Hofbrau,
have been making
music... right, Schultzy?
She calls me... Teddy Bear.
Teddy Bear... how thoughtful.
How revolting.
Don't just stand there, Schultz.
Come on, tell us about it.
Well, she let me kiss her...
Affectionately, you know?
You, uh, put your
arms around her?
What do you think?
I sent her the kiss by mail?
And I suppose, uh, she
put her arms around you?
You said it, big boy.
All the way around?
She must be an orangutan.
Hold it.
Discretion does not permit me
to talk about the
subject any longer.
I am not a man to kiss and tell.
Very nice.
Bravo. Oh, blimey.
I predict a big romance.
You'll be forging passes
to get into town to see her,
shaving every day.
You might even
take off a few pounds.
That is what you've
got to get rid of.
That, my dear
colonel, is all muscle.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Let me show you something.
Stand up straight.
Look down.
Can you see your shoes?
I can't even see the floor.
If you can't see your
shoes, you can't touch them.
Oh, sure I can!
I'll show you.
All right, all right.
LeBEAU: Come on, here we go.
All right, keep your head down.
That's it.
That's better than I thought.
All right, Schultz,
don't overdo it.
I will have to
exercise a little more.
Yeah, you do that.
We'll see you around, Schultz.
Wait a minute.
Don't you want to hear
about Maria anymore?
Oh, it's too exciting.
Makes the natives restless.
Oh, I understand...
Jealousy.
Good night.
Good night, hot lips.
Hot lips.
"Two troop trains through
Hammelburg yesterday eastward...
"Ninth Panzer
Brigade, 14th Infantry,
assault equipment, tight
security precaution. M."
Get that off to
London, huh, Kinch?
Right.
A good system, Colonel.
Maria does the spying and
Schultz carries the messages.
Mm-hmm... we're also making
an important contribution
to military science.
How do you figure that, sir?
We're using the first 300-pound
carrier pigeon in history.
Major Kiegel, I
don't understand.
What has the Gestapo got to
do with Luftwaffe personnel?
Colonel, Berlin has
issued a new directive.
Our orders are to find
men on the home front
and see that they
are transferred
to active duty in combat units.
Danke, Fraulein.
Bitte.
Transfer to combat units.
That's another way of
saying "eastern front."
True, it is.
But why the Gestapo?
That's outrageous!
You think so, do you?
I intend to appeal this
to the high command...
Even to the
Fuhrer, if necessary.
Colonel!
The Fuhrer does not
even know you are alive,
and... you may not be.
I'm beginning to see
what you're driving at.
That is better.
But you're wasting
your time, sir.
My men are not exactly
what you would call
frontline fighting caliber.
How do you classify them?
Well, uh...
They're the dregs.
Really?
But the finest dregs
in all of Germany.
You seem to manage.
I can assure you, Major Kiegel,
that it is my spirit, my
iron will, that has made this
the most secure
camp in all of Germany.
I could run this
place single-handed
if I wanted to, and I...
You want to see
the roster of the men.
I already have it.
Oh, I have always said
you are a marvelously
efficient organization.
Thank you.
Now, there is a great shortage
of noncommissioned
officers on our fighting fronts.
What about this Sergeant
Schultz as a starter?
Him?
In a combat unit?
He couldn't fight his
way out of kindergarten.
He is a sergeant.
Yes.
He's also a big
fat tub of jelly.
Impossible.
The Russian front is
not a beauty contest.
Yes, but Sergeant Schultz...
Even colonels who wear
monocles are needed.
But that's another matter.
I...
What would they be doing there?
I mean...
I think Sergeant Schultz
is a marvelous choice.
Come in, come in, come in.
Herr Kommandant,
Sergeant Schultz
reporting as ordered, sir.
Sergeant Schultz.
Come in, come in.
At ease, at ease.
Would you care for a
little schnapps, huh?
Herr Kommandant, it
is against the regulation
to drink when you are on duty.
That is true.
Wanted to catch me, huh?
Of course not.
I offered you a little drink
because this is a
very special occasion.
Oh, it is?
Indeed it is.
I have some very good
news for you, my boy.
"My boy"?
Ah, how I envy you.
Envy me?
Schultz, I have the
pleasure to tell you,
you are being transferred
to the eastern front.
Isn't that thrilling news?
Thrilling?
I am out of my mind.
What happened, Herr Kommandant?
Did I do something wrong?
Of course not.
You're just being asked
to use your knowledge
and experience
in the service of
the Third Reich.
Yeah?
You want Germany to
win the war, don't you?
Yeah.
Well, by being transferred
to the eastern front,
you can make that possible.
Would it be so bad
if we lost the war?
Schultz, we're going to miss
your sense of humor around here.
Herr Kommandant,
I have flat feet,
I'm overweight,
my eyes are bad...
and I'm not so young anymore.
Oh, that doesn't matter.
How about dandruff?
Come on, Schultz.
I also have nervousness.
You? Nervous?
Don't be silly.
I'm silly, too.
I think at this point,
you would find almost
anything wrong with yourself.
Try me.
I realize you're not
exactly what I would call
a perfect physical specimen.
Now you're on the right track.
But you have something
much more important
than physical perfection.
You have a fighting spirit.
I'll get rid of it.
In these times, my boy, a man
in uniform has two choices...
Either he fights or
he's called a coward.
I'd rather be a coward.
Do you want to
give up the chance
for greater glory
on the battlefield?
Do you want to go on
being called a coward?
Why not?
That's something I understand.
Why would they pick just you?
I'm lucky, I guess.
Sounds fishy to me.
Let's face it...
He's not the greatest
fighting machine in the world.
They thought I was okay
when they took me
in five years ago.
The recruiting sergeant
that signed you up
could be shot for sabotage.
I think somebody's
got it in for him.
I'll buy that.
I have no enemy in the world.
LeBEAU: How about us?
Have you had any trouble
with any of the
officers recently?
I mind my own business.
I know nothing... nothing.
Do anything wrong
in town the other day?
Yeah, you know,
like get drunk maybe.
No, I just went to the
Hofbrau and I saw Maria.
Is it possible some big
shot has his eye on her?
Who would be jealous of Schultz?
Yeah, that's
pretty unbelievable.
It could be that Major Kiegel...
Who's Major Kiegel?
Some Kraut we missed?
Gestapo.
I saw him only twice,
once in Hermann's office
and once when he came here.
Gestapo man came to
camp and I wasn't told?
Where was I?
Listening to the World
Series with the rest of us.
Well, first things first.
Funny... as soon as
Major Kiegel left the office,
Klink gave me the bad news.
Any reason this Major
Kiegel might be sore at you?
No!
Of course, when I came
into Hermann's office,
he was mad at me because
I did not knock on the door.
That's no reason to send
a man to the Russian front.
Now, hold it, hold it.
Anything else happen, Schultz?
No.
He was sitting there in
the office with Hermann,
there was money on the table
and Hermann had a
few bills in his hands...
And you interrupted him.
I guess so.
But he was mad
just for a minute.
Stick around,
Schultz. Be right back.
LeBEAU: Why did you have
to go to Hermann's office?
Well, I wanted to ask...
That message ready for Maria?
Sure.
Got it right here.
"Need locations,
antiaircraft installations,
bomb assembly plant."
All right, add this to it:
"Need information on
Major Kiegel, Gestapo.
Urgent."
All right.
Good, I'll pin this on
our pigeon right now.
Oh, Schultz.
Yeah?
Um...
When are you
going to tell Maria?
Tonight.
It's going to break her heart.
C'est la guerre.
It wouldn't be so bad
if she wouldn't be
so crazy about me.
Mm-hmm.
By the way, how are you coming
with your bending exercises?
How do you like that?
I'm making out my will and he
wants me to do bending exercises!
Can you touch your toes yet?
Please, Colonel Hogan,
I'm not in the mood.
Come on, Schultz.
That's a good boy.
Stop it!
Very good, you keep at it.
Yeah, and I think
you should do it again,
just as soon as you
get back from town,
Right, Colonel?
Oh, by all means.
What for?!
LeBEAU: Practice makes perfect.
And if you're transferred to
one of those combat units,
your life may depend on it.
Survival of the fittest.
What size foxhole
do you take, Schultz?
Please, Carter...
I'd say about 48 stout.
LeBeau, bad taste.
Jolly jokers!
Gute Nacht, Schultz.
Aah!
"Kiegel friendly
with owner of bar."
That must be Hermann
Schultz is always talking about.
"Believe black market operation.
"Storeroom back of bar is loaded
with boxes and merchandise,
kept locked at all times."
A black market operation?
Scratch a Gestapo
man, you find a crook.
Where does Schultz
fit in all this, Colonel?
He walked into Hermann's
office unexpectedly, remember?
And money was being counted.
Mm-hmm.
My guess is he actually
walked in on a payoff.
So Kiegel had him
transferred to the Russian front
for winter sports.
Bloody murder.
Schultz is awful on skis.
Boy, this Major
Kiegel's a terrible person.
We ought to call him on this.
LeBEAU: We don't
let him get away with it.
Oh, sure, we walk up to him
and say, "You're a terrible person.
Pick up your check,
get out of World War II."
Well, old Schultz was
laughs while he lasted.
Oh, now, wait a
minute, wait a minute!
We're not giving up on
Schultz just like that, are we?
Do we have a choice?
We're dealing with
Gestapo here, sir.
I mean, they're proper villains.
Do you realize,
if we lose Schultz,
we get a new Kraut
to take his place?
If we can train him, fine,
but suppose he refuses to
be housebroken? Then what?
He'll be reading our mail
and looking for tunnels.
And maybe finding them.
But how could we save Schultz?
He's practically
quick-frozen right now.
Maybe putting the heat on
Kiegel might be the answer.
Kinch, get that camera
of yours tuned up.
Right.
I'll need some watches, too.
That'll be the bait.
Oh, yeah, and
the fish will take it
and he'll swallow us.
Boy, this is the craziest...
Us saving a Kraut.
Carter, it's not for us alone.
We keep Schultz here,
we could be helping
our Russian allies.
How?
I don't understand that.
How are you going
to help the Russians?
Schultz could very
easily slip on the ice, fall
and wipe out an
entire Russian division.
Derail a troop train, even.
Well, make yourself at home.
I'm a salesman.
I am not interested
in buying anything.
You haven't seen
the merchandise.
Raus.
Junk.
Really, Major?
Oh, you know who I am.
Everybody knows the Gestapo,
and everybody knows
the black market.
You are not a salesman;
you are American.
Who are you?
I'm a friend of
Sergeant Schultz,
and I want you off his back.
Sergeant Schultz, hmm?
I don't want him
to get frostbite.
Really?
Well, considering you
may be arrested and shot,
that is very decent of you.
That's a shot they'll
hear all the way to Berlin.
You're threatening me?
And Hermann.
How did you find out?
Let's just say I'd rather have
your boss, Himmler, find out,
if necessary.
What is your
interest in Schultz?
I like him.
That is not good enough!
For you it is!
I've laid it out for you, Major.
Cancel Schultz's
train reservation
or Gestapo headquarters
gets the whole story.
Well... you are a
very clever salesman.
I will think about it.
You do that.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Wiedersehen.
Well?
I have never seen him before.
Who is he?
It doesn't matter.
He says he knows
all about our business,
claims he has friends in Berlin.
Aah... bluffing.
Maybe, but why take chances?
We will move
everything all at once.
I will bring the truck around.
All right, uh...
What about our newfound friend?
Our former friend?
Kill him.
Let's go.
Schnell, schnell!
That light!
I... I'll take care of it.
No! Keep working.
Get these things out of here!
Not a bad shot.
Give that Kraut one cigar.
All right, all clear.
Got them, Colonel.
Good work.
Let's get back to camp
and develop those pictures, eh?
How many copies you want?
Five or six, nice and sharp.
Something suitable
for blackmail.
Yes, General
Burkhalter, I understand.
Thank you for advising me.
I'll take care of it, you
don't have to worry.
You do worry... yes, sir.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Heil Hitler.
That makes it official.
Any orders given by Major Kiegel
are revoked
effective immediately.
He was arrested by his
own people, the Gestapo.
Arrested, Herr Kommandant?
Black market activity.
Some of the evidence,
even a few photographs
were sent to his superiors
in Berlin by someone.
He was caught in the act.
I never really trusted that man.
Well, then... if his orders
are revoked, that means that...
Your transfer?
Once.
Twice.
Three times.
Mmm... that feels so
good, Herr Kommandant!
Please, tear it up once more.
Let me be the first
one to congratulate you.
Thank you, Herr Kommandant!
But, Herr Kommandant,
you congratulated me
when I was going
to the Russian front.
I'm very flexible
in these matters.
May I unpack, Herr Kommandant?
Absolutely.
You may resume your
duties immediately.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
What are you doing?
Well, Herr Kommandant,
we had a drink
when I was about
to be transferred...
One more move...
and I will paste these orders
back together piece by piece.
Dismissed!
All set, Colonel.
Okay.
Schultz will probably
be going into town
tonight for a
little celebration.
Yeah, the mail must go through.
"Neither rain nor snow or..."
Watch it.
How's that go?
Colonel Hogan, Colonel Hogan!
Guess what!
Congratulations, Schultz.
How do you know?
Just an educated guess.
Maria will be happy when she
hears the news, eh, Schultzy?
Big time in the old
town tonight, huh?
How about getting
this celebration started
with a few bending exercises?
Hold it, hold it!
Hold everything!
I am not going
into town tonight,
I am not going to
see Maria anymore...
That's where the
trouble started.
It's all over,
and I'm not going to do
any bending exercises either!
What happened?
Gentlemen, we saved a
Kraut and lost a pigeon.
I got it!
"Neither rain or
snow or gloom of night
will stay our couriers..."
Carter.
"From these appointed rounds."
It's very famous.