Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 4, Episode 2 - Klink vs. the Gonculator - full transcript
Coming up with a fake secret device, the gonculator, Klink brings to Stalag 13 the electronics expert who wants to defect.
Did you bring the radio
homing device with you?
Yes, I have it.
Good.
Underground has a man
ready to take it to the Allies.
Drop it in my bag
under the table.
No, I can't.
That's the way
we've done it before.
I took it from the model
they are testing Saturday.
If it's missing, the
Gestapo will round up
every man in my department.
Major Lutz, what will we do?
This time, you must
get me out of Germany.
I'll take the homing
device to England myself.
But we can't get you out.
Every man in your department
is being watched by the Gestapo.
You told me that yourself.
It's true.
My man is sitting at the bar
keeping an eye on me.
See him?
I'll have to talk to my contact.
He may have an idea
of how to get you out.
If I don't hear
from you by Friday,
I'll have to put it
back in the rocket.
You'll hear from me, Major.
Good.
By the way, Fraulein Finster,
I've been meaning to ask you.
What is your first name?
Lila.
Lila.
That's a pretty name.
I can understand the importance
of getting this Major
Lutz to England,
but I don't know
about using the tunnel.
It's the only way.
The Gestapo is
watching him all the time.
If he came to a prison camp
on some official business,
it would catch them off guard.
Have your people
figured out a way
to get the major into the camp?
No.
We thought you
might have an idea.
It's not like inviting
somebody to a birthday party.
I know it will be difficult,
and we must get
him out of Germany
no later than Saturday morning.
You say this Major Lutz
is an expert in electronics?
Yes.
Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
Oh, that's good.
No, I always say that
when I can't think of a thing.
Hello, hello, hello.
What have we got here, then?
Yeah, let me see.
It's bigger than a bread box.
Is it a big bread box?
Guess again.
It's a big flashlight.
It's my own design.
It's a rabbit trap.
That was my next guess.
What do you want a rabbit for?
He never tasted hasenpfeffer.
I promised to make it.
The recipe calls for a rabbit.
Uh-huh.
I know this is a
ridiculous question, Carter,
but how does it work?
Yeah.
I'll show you.
Oh, good.
This'll be rich.
Watch.
This is the rabbit.
Sure it is.
Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hip.
Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hop.
He sees the trap.
What is this?
Even the bloody rabbit
doesn't know what it is.
Shall I look inside?
It looks harmless.
I don't know about the trap,
but the story you're telling
would make a great movie.
Maybe I'll take a little look.
Yeah, yeah... go ahead.
Look at the door.
Room for my tender
little ears to get in
without getting bruised.
Oh, boy.
I'll take one... quick... look.
No, don't do it, it's a trap!
What do you think?
Well, let me put
it this way, Carter.
If we were fighting rabbits,
the war would be over right now.
What is the whistle for?
That let's me know
if I caught a rabbit.
Or somebody's hat.
I don't know what
to use for bait?
What do rabbits like best?
Other rabbits.
All right, look... no excuses.
How much longer
is it going to take
to finish this gonculator?
Well, we're having
a lot of trouble
getting the parts, sir.
You see, we've got to attach
the wiring relays
to the rheostat,
so that the merkle jammers
won't receive any
electronic interference.
Look, I want results.
This thing has got
to be finished by...
Oh, hi, Schultz.
LeBEAU: Oh, hi, Schultz!
What did you
bring us today, huh?
Hmm...
What do you got there?
What are you hiding?
Nothing, why, uh...
we're not hiding
anything, Schultz.
It's a, uh, uh...
Back, back, back, back!
You call that nothing?
Well, it's a... it's a...
Yes, Colonel Hogan?
That's a rabbit
trap, right fellas?
Yeah.
A big fat rabbit trap.
Your basic rabbit trap.
A rabbit trap.
Right.
Sure... give me your hat,
I'll show you how it works.
Never mind, Carter.
Oh, yes, of course.
It's a...
uh... a rabbit trap.
Well...
I think I'll take a little nap.
That's a very good
idea, Schultzy.
I don't know whether
this thing'll get a rabbit,
but it sure works
great with pigeons.
Schultz, I left
strict instructions
not to be disturbed.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
But I was waiting
outside for two hours
and I have something
very important to report.
More important than all this
paperwork I'm doing here?
Well, I...
Is it so important that it
cannot wait until tomorrow?
Well, I...
Because, you see, this can't!
The general's staff
is waiting to find out
how many paper napkins we use.
They can't go on with the
war until they find that out.
Dismissed.
Ha.
Colonel Klink...
Hogan, whatever it is, it will
have to wait until tomorrow.
I'm too busy.
Is that what you want
me to tell the men?
You're busy?
Is that all it means to you?
What are you talking about?
Well, fine.
I'll tell them that
the insult to you,
which they are
taking personally,
isn't bothering you at all...
You, the man they
consider a legend,
is taking it all very calmly.
Hogan, wait!
What am I taking so
calmly? What insult?
I'm talking about the honor
that's been paid to Stalag 19
while we here at Stalag
13 are being ignored.
What honor?
You mean you...
Colonel Klink, I'm sorry.
I should have realized
you knew nothing about it.
Hogan, will you please
come to the point?
Well, you know Major Lutz,
your well-known
electronics expert?
Major Lutz?
Oh, yes, that Major Lutz.
Of course.
What about him?
Well, the major's perfected
a new electronic
prisoner-escape device.
It's being installed
in Stalag 19.
Why them and not us?
I don't believe it.
He wouldn't do that to me.
Why, may I ask, has
Major Lutz been spending
the last four days at Stalag 19?
That's outrageous.
Our camp has a much
higher rating than theirs.
I suppose you're going to
do something about it, sir?
Yes, and right away.
No!
I'll have to wait
until tomorrow.
First I have to finish
all this paperwork.
It never ends!
Eight copies to every report.
Then another copy
for the fireproof vault.
Then another copy
in case there is a fire
in the fireproof vault.
That's what I call efficiency.
You know, I used to
have the same problem
when I was at the Pentagon.
I finally figured
a way to lick it
and never did any
paperwork after that.
What did you do?
Oh, I, uh, thought of the most
common name I could think of
and marked all the papers
"To the attention of
Colonel John Smith"
and just sent it on.
You expect me to write,
"Attention Colonel John Smith,"
and have someone in
the Pentagon do my work?
Glad to see you haven't lost
your old sense of humor, sir.
Naturally in your case,
you'd mark it to the attention
of Colonel Johann Schmidt.
There must be thousands of guys
that have that
name in your army.
That would be cheating.
We don't do things
like that in our army.
It's just an idea.
And not a very good one.
Dismissed.
"Attention Colonel
Johann Schmidt."
"Attention Colonel
Johann Schmidt."
"Attention Colonel
Johann Schmidt."
Come in, come in, come in.
Ah, Sergeant Schultz, come in.
What a pleasure to see you.
Herr Kommandant, I
wish to make a report.
Oh, yes, that matter
that was so urgent.
Go on, go on.
While making my regular
barracks inspection,
I found everything in order
in barrack one, three and four.
But in barrack two...
Colonel Klink speaking.
Klink, this is
General Burkhalter.
General Burkhalter, what
a pleasure to hear from you.
I was just saying the other
day at the officer's club,
I was saying, "We never
see the general anymore."
You know the club does not
seem the same without you, sir.
Klink, shut up.
Yes, sir.
I'll be over later
for an inspection.
Have everything ready.
I don't want to spend any
more time there than I have to.
I understand sir.
A word to the wise.
I wouldn't call it that.
No, sir.
Oh, by the way, sir,
I was just wondering.
Why did Stalag 19 get
the electronic prisoner-escape
device and we didn't?
I mean, after all, the
record of our camp
is much better than theirs.
I don't know anything about it,
but if they got
it and you didn't,
it must be because they have
had escapes and you haven't.
That's exactly the way I
felt... A great compliment.
Good-bye.
That Hogan, why do
I always listen to him?
Herr Kommandant, may
I go on with my report?
Oh, yes, go on, Schultz,
tell me what's so important.
Who wants to listen...
Wait a minute, wait a
minute... Let's listen.
In barracks two, I
made a big discovery.
Colonel Hogan and his
men were building a... uh...
a gonculator.
A what?
A gon-cu-la-tor.
Go on.
Colonel Hogan was
very angry with his men
because it took them so long.
Something was said about
wiring relays in rheostats
and merkle jammers and
electronic interference.
The men acted very guilty
when they saw me.
They told me it
was a rabbit trap.
I acted very stupid, and
not to make them suspicious,
I pretended I
believed the story.
A gonculator, huh?
I saw it with my own eyes.
Kinch, give me all the spare
parts you have for that radio.
Anything in particular, Colonel?
Everything, and
I'm not particular.
Right.
Are you sure it was a...
gonculator?
No question about it.
Imagine the nerve of that Hogan
thinking he can build a
gonculator right under my nose.
Here they come.
Okay, places and
watch the overacting.
Attention, everybody,
Herr Kommandant is here!
Colonel Hogan, there
will be an inspection later.
I want you to take your men
and have them clean
up the motor pool area.
I'd like to leave one man
behind to sort of tidy up.
When I say all, I mean all.
All right, fellas, let's go.
Come on, let's go!
Raus!
Schnell!
Are you sure it's here?
It's got to be, Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm.
Fresh sawdust.
Aha...
See, Herr Kommandant,
I told you.
What do you think?
It's a gonculator, all right.
It's, uh, uh...
not quite like ours.
Ours is, uh...
a little different,
but there's no doubt
about it, it's a gonculator.
Shall I smash it?
No!
I want General
Burkhalter to see this first.
What kind of a surprise?
I want you to find out for
yourself, General Burkhalter.
Now, as you know, I
keep a very close eye
on everything that
goes on in this camp.
No detail too small
for me to observe.
I always say to myself,
Klink, expect the unexpected.
Suspect the unsuspected.
And above all, I say...
Oh, another one
of your headaches?
Is there anything
that you could take
that would help?
Yes, I can take my leave.
Now, Klink, show me the surprise
you were talking about.
Yes, sir.
If you will come
with me, please.
This way, sir.
What is it?
A gonculator.
Hogan and his men
are building one.
A gonculator?
As you can see for yourself,
it has many of the
same features as ours.
Naturally not quite the same.
Of course not... that's what
had me fooled for a moment.
But it can be used
for the same purpose.
But not quite as
efficient as ours.
Even with the merkle jammer
and the wiring relays
with the rheostat.
Huh?
How would you
say this gonculator
is basically
different from ours?
Oh, I-I wouldn't dream
of pointing something out
that you know
far better than I do.
I suppose you're going to
report this to the high command?
Report?
Klink, I want you to
make the written report.
Oh, sir, I think that
honor should go to you,
my superior officer.
And as your superior officer,
I order you to make the report.
General Burkhalter,
may I suggest
that we let Colonel Hogan
finish this gonculator.
Then we seize it,
and thus we have a working model
of the American type?
Good idea.
But we must keep an eye
on Hogan every moment.
Oh, General Burkhalter,
when it comes to Colonel
Hogan, I can assure you
I'm always one
step ahead of him.
Ja.
Ja, Herr Kommandant.
They're still working
on the gonculator.
Keep watching and report
everything that happens.
He's still looking, isn't he?
Like a ruddy hawk.
Hey, LeBeau, give
us a light, will you?
Herr Kommandant?
The gonculator
lights cigarettes.
Are you sure?
I want to know every
move they make.
Get me the supply depot.
Captain Dingels, supply officer.
Yes, Colonel Klink.
Information about
the gonculator?
Well, of course
I know what it is.
What, uh...
What model number did
you want to know about?
Oh...
Well, naturally, sir, we, uh...
we must have the model number.
Gen... general information?
Well... uh...
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
The gonculator is
classified "secret"
and we are not allowed
to give that information out.
Yes, sir.
Captain Dingels, supply officer.
Yes, General Burkhalter.
You... want to know
about the gonculator?
Well, I'm sorry, sir,
the gonculator is
classified "secret"
and we are not allowed
to give that information out.
Yes, sir.
Gonculator...
Kinch?
Got any more radio parts?
No, we're fresh out.
But here's an old
alarm clock I took apart.
Oh, good.
Hey, Colonel, where
should I put this?
Carter...
what difference does it make?
Mm-hmm.
Anything new?
They're still working
on it, General.
Klink, it is very important
that Hogan finish
the gonculator.
Yes, General.
But we must find out
how close it is to ours.
You know, ours is
a classified secret.
Of course I know.
That's the very reason
we want to see the
American model.
Did you get the German uniform?
LeBEAU: It's in your office.
Okay, this is the time.
Ah, it's no use!
We can't finish the gonculator.
But, Colonel,
we can't give up now.
LeBEAU: Sure, it's almost done.
Who are we kidding...
We can only go so far.
Without the Lutz diagram,
we might as well
forget all about it.
Colonel,
is the Lutz diagram
so important?
Newkirk, the Lutz diagram is
the heart of the whole machine.
What's going on?
They stopped working
because they have not
got the Lutz diagram.
Well, let's get it for them.
What is it?
Lutz, Lutz... where have
I heard that name before?
Oh, yes, Major Lutz,
the electronics expert.
His name came up
just the other day.
Major Lutz.
I'll get him here right away.
Major Lutz is on the way.
Good.
Hey, we did it again!
Hold the celebration.
We still have to get
him down in the tunnel
and get that homing
device back to England.
Colonel?
You need Schultz any more?
No, we're finished with him.
Right.
Oh, my goodness!
Look what I've...
Schultz, what were
you doing there anyway?
Are you sure you
have the right man?
There are more important
people in my department than I am.
Now, come now,
don't be so modest.
We've heard a lot about you.
You have?
And the Lutz diagram.
The Lutz diagram?
Mm-hmm.
Who's that?
He's from the Gestapo.
He's assigned to me because
of the kind of work I do.
All the people in my
department have our shadows.
I suppose we can't
be too careful...
Especially with things
like the gonculator.
That what?
The gonculator.
Never heard of it.
Oh, we understand
your denying it.
It's a proper
security procedure,
but we know all
about the gonculator.
There's one right
here in this camp.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
If we show you
one, will you admit it?
Naturally, sir.
I cannot deny
something if I see it,
whatever it is.
Oh, it isn't a "whatever it is."
It is a gonculator.
Here is your gonculator.
Schultz, bring it to the table.
There is your gonculator.
It's not a gonculator.
It's a toy I made for
my little niece Lila.
Now, don't bother Major Lutz.
But I promised Lila
I'd send it to her in England.
Look, Hogan,
you're in enough
trouble already.
You're just making it worse.
What was it you called this?
A gonculator, Major.
Of course, it's quite
different from our model, but...
Why am I telling you all this?
You are the expert.
As you say, it's not like
our German gonculator.
Not as good.
Of course not.
Ah, yes.
Still quite interesting.
Will someone
please plug this in?
Sergeant?
Jawohl.
Be careful.
Klink, don't be an idiot...
This man is an expert.
Pull out the plug!
Schultz, pull out the plug!
Where's Major Lutz?
Oh, no.
Is that all that is
left of Major Lutz?
Let us have a
moment of silence...
to honor that brave man...
who gave his all
for the Fatherland.
Here it is.
Good.
We have no time to waste.
They are waiting for us
at the end of the tunnel.
I think I'd better go
and explain to the Gestapo
man what happened.
Yes, sir.
Poor Major Lutz.
Hogan, I'm going to
throw the book at you.
What did I do?
You know what... you
built an illegal gonculator.
Who's going to believe
a bunch of prisoners of war
would build a piece of equipment
that can only be
used in a submarine.
Submarine?
I knew I should
have called the navy.
But I am still
going to report this
to the Prisoner of War
Commission of the High Command.
Fine.
Mark it to the attention
of the officer in charge:
Colonel Johann Schmidt.
Colonel Johann Schmidt?
Perhaps we better forget it?
Hogan, you will give
me your word of honor
that this will never
happen again.
I promise... I'll never
make another gonculator.
Carter?
How about repairing
your rabbit trap.
We'll all help.
Nah, it's no use,
Colonel, it's ruined.
Hey!
Hey, the trap worked.
Hey, I got myself rabbit.
How about that?
We're going to have
that hasenpfeffer after all.
We got everything we need.
That's what you're
going to be: hasenpfeffer.
Why's he looking
at me like that?
Well, Carter, how would you feel
if someone just told you
you were going
to be hasenpfeffer?
Okay.
Go home.
Hey, looks like he's
found a home with us.
He likes us.
Let's keep it as a pet.
One rabbit won't be too
much trouble, will it, Colonel?
Carter, my boy, I
must tell you the truth...
There is no such
thing as one rabbit.
homing device with you?
Yes, I have it.
Good.
Underground has a man
ready to take it to the Allies.
Drop it in my bag
under the table.
No, I can't.
That's the way
we've done it before.
I took it from the model
they are testing Saturday.
If it's missing, the
Gestapo will round up
every man in my department.
Major Lutz, what will we do?
This time, you must
get me out of Germany.
I'll take the homing
device to England myself.
But we can't get you out.
Every man in your department
is being watched by the Gestapo.
You told me that yourself.
It's true.
My man is sitting at the bar
keeping an eye on me.
See him?
I'll have to talk to my contact.
He may have an idea
of how to get you out.
If I don't hear
from you by Friday,
I'll have to put it
back in the rocket.
You'll hear from me, Major.
Good.
By the way, Fraulein Finster,
I've been meaning to ask you.
What is your first name?
Lila.
Lila.
That's a pretty name.
I can understand the importance
of getting this Major
Lutz to England,
but I don't know
about using the tunnel.
It's the only way.
The Gestapo is
watching him all the time.
If he came to a prison camp
on some official business,
it would catch them off guard.
Have your people
figured out a way
to get the major into the camp?
No.
We thought you
might have an idea.
It's not like inviting
somebody to a birthday party.
I know it will be difficult,
and we must get
him out of Germany
no later than Saturday morning.
You say this Major Lutz
is an expert in electronics?
Yes.
Don't worry.
I'll think of something.
Oh, that's good.
No, I always say that
when I can't think of a thing.
Hello, hello, hello.
What have we got here, then?
Yeah, let me see.
It's bigger than a bread box.
Is it a big bread box?
Guess again.
It's a big flashlight.
It's my own design.
It's a rabbit trap.
That was my next guess.
What do you want a rabbit for?
He never tasted hasenpfeffer.
I promised to make it.
The recipe calls for a rabbit.
Uh-huh.
I know this is a
ridiculous question, Carter,
but how does it work?
Yeah.
I'll show you.
Oh, good.
This'll be rich.
Watch.
This is the rabbit.
Sure it is.
Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hip.
Hippity-hoppity, hippity-hop.
He sees the trap.
What is this?
Even the bloody rabbit
doesn't know what it is.
Shall I look inside?
It looks harmless.
I don't know about the trap,
but the story you're telling
would make a great movie.
Maybe I'll take a little look.
Yeah, yeah... go ahead.
Look at the door.
Room for my tender
little ears to get in
without getting bruised.
Oh, boy.
I'll take one... quick... look.
No, don't do it, it's a trap!
What do you think?
Well, let me put
it this way, Carter.
If we were fighting rabbits,
the war would be over right now.
What is the whistle for?
That let's me know
if I caught a rabbit.
Or somebody's hat.
I don't know what
to use for bait?
What do rabbits like best?
Other rabbits.
All right, look... no excuses.
How much longer
is it going to take
to finish this gonculator?
Well, we're having
a lot of trouble
getting the parts, sir.
You see, we've got to attach
the wiring relays
to the rheostat,
so that the merkle jammers
won't receive any
electronic interference.
Look, I want results.
This thing has got
to be finished by...
Oh, hi, Schultz.
LeBEAU: Oh, hi, Schultz!
What did you
bring us today, huh?
Hmm...
What do you got there?
What are you hiding?
Nothing, why, uh...
we're not hiding
anything, Schultz.
It's a, uh, uh...
Back, back, back, back!
You call that nothing?
Well, it's a... it's a...
Yes, Colonel Hogan?
That's a rabbit
trap, right fellas?
Yeah.
A big fat rabbit trap.
Your basic rabbit trap.
A rabbit trap.
Right.
Sure... give me your hat,
I'll show you how it works.
Never mind, Carter.
Oh, yes, of course.
It's a...
uh... a rabbit trap.
Well...
I think I'll take a little nap.
That's a very good
idea, Schultzy.
I don't know whether
this thing'll get a rabbit,
but it sure works
great with pigeons.
Schultz, I left
strict instructions
not to be disturbed.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
But I was waiting
outside for two hours
and I have something
very important to report.
More important than all this
paperwork I'm doing here?
Well, I...
Is it so important that it
cannot wait until tomorrow?
Well, I...
Because, you see, this can't!
The general's staff
is waiting to find out
how many paper napkins we use.
They can't go on with the
war until they find that out.
Dismissed.
Ha.
Colonel Klink...
Hogan, whatever it is, it will
have to wait until tomorrow.
I'm too busy.
Is that what you want
me to tell the men?
You're busy?
Is that all it means to you?
What are you talking about?
Well, fine.
I'll tell them that
the insult to you,
which they are
taking personally,
isn't bothering you at all...
You, the man they
consider a legend,
is taking it all very calmly.
Hogan, wait!
What am I taking so
calmly? What insult?
I'm talking about the honor
that's been paid to Stalag 19
while we here at Stalag
13 are being ignored.
What honor?
You mean you...
Colonel Klink, I'm sorry.
I should have realized
you knew nothing about it.
Hogan, will you please
come to the point?
Well, you know Major Lutz,
your well-known
electronics expert?
Major Lutz?
Oh, yes, that Major Lutz.
Of course.
What about him?
Well, the major's perfected
a new electronic
prisoner-escape device.
It's being installed
in Stalag 19.
Why them and not us?
I don't believe it.
He wouldn't do that to me.
Why, may I ask, has
Major Lutz been spending
the last four days at Stalag 19?
That's outrageous.
Our camp has a much
higher rating than theirs.
I suppose you're going to
do something about it, sir?
Yes, and right away.
No!
I'll have to wait
until tomorrow.
First I have to finish
all this paperwork.
It never ends!
Eight copies to every report.
Then another copy
for the fireproof vault.
Then another copy
in case there is a fire
in the fireproof vault.
That's what I call efficiency.
You know, I used to
have the same problem
when I was at the Pentagon.
I finally figured
a way to lick it
and never did any
paperwork after that.
What did you do?
Oh, I, uh, thought of the most
common name I could think of
and marked all the papers
"To the attention of
Colonel John Smith"
and just sent it on.
You expect me to write,
"Attention Colonel John Smith,"
and have someone in
the Pentagon do my work?
Glad to see you haven't lost
your old sense of humor, sir.
Naturally in your case,
you'd mark it to the attention
of Colonel Johann Schmidt.
There must be thousands of guys
that have that
name in your army.
That would be cheating.
We don't do things
like that in our army.
It's just an idea.
And not a very good one.
Dismissed.
"Attention Colonel
Johann Schmidt."
"Attention Colonel
Johann Schmidt."
"Attention Colonel
Johann Schmidt."
Come in, come in, come in.
Ah, Sergeant Schultz, come in.
What a pleasure to see you.
Herr Kommandant, I
wish to make a report.
Oh, yes, that matter
that was so urgent.
Go on, go on.
While making my regular
barracks inspection,
I found everything in order
in barrack one, three and four.
But in barrack two...
Colonel Klink speaking.
Klink, this is
General Burkhalter.
General Burkhalter, what
a pleasure to hear from you.
I was just saying the other
day at the officer's club,
I was saying, "We never
see the general anymore."
You know the club does not
seem the same without you, sir.
Klink, shut up.
Yes, sir.
I'll be over later
for an inspection.
Have everything ready.
I don't want to spend any
more time there than I have to.
I understand sir.
A word to the wise.
I wouldn't call it that.
No, sir.
Oh, by the way, sir,
I was just wondering.
Why did Stalag 19 get
the electronic prisoner-escape
device and we didn't?
I mean, after all, the
record of our camp
is much better than theirs.
I don't know anything about it,
but if they got
it and you didn't,
it must be because they have
had escapes and you haven't.
That's exactly the way I
felt... A great compliment.
Good-bye.
That Hogan, why do
I always listen to him?
Herr Kommandant, may
I go on with my report?
Oh, yes, go on, Schultz,
tell me what's so important.
Who wants to listen...
Wait a minute, wait a
minute... Let's listen.
In barracks two, I
made a big discovery.
Colonel Hogan and his
men were building a... uh...
a gonculator.
A what?
A gon-cu-la-tor.
Go on.
Colonel Hogan was
very angry with his men
because it took them so long.
Something was said about
wiring relays in rheostats
and merkle jammers and
electronic interference.
The men acted very guilty
when they saw me.
They told me it
was a rabbit trap.
I acted very stupid, and
not to make them suspicious,
I pretended I
believed the story.
A gonculator, huh?
I saw it with my own eyes.
Kinch, give me all the spare
parts you have for that radio.
Anything in particular, Colonel?
Everything, and
I'm not particular.
Right.
Are you sure it was a...
gonculator?
No question about it.
Imagine the nerve of that Hogan
thinking he can build a
gonculator right under my nose.
Here they come.
Okay, places and
watch the overacting.
Attention, everybody,
Herr Kommandant is here!
Colonel Hogan, there
will be an inspection later.
I want you to take your men
and have them clean
up the motor pool area.
I'd like to leave one man
behind to sort of tidy up.
When I say all, I mean all.
All right, fellas, let's go.
Come on, let's go!
Raus!
Schnell!
Are you sure it's here?
It's got to be, Herr Kommandant.
Mm-hmm.
Fresh sawdust.
Aha...
See, Herr Kommandant,
I told you.
What do you think?
It's a gonculator, all right.
It's, uh, uh...
not quite like ours.
Ours is, uh...
a little different,
but there's no doubt
about it, it's a gonculator.
Shall I smash it?
No!
I want General
Burkhalter to see this first.
What kind of a surprise?
I want you to find out for
yourself, General Burkhalter.
Now, as you know, I
keep a very close eye
on everything that
goes on in this camp.
No detail too small
for me to observe.
I always say to myself,
Klink, expect the unexpected.
Suspect the unsuspected.
And above all, I say...
Oh, another one
of your headaches?
Is there anything
that you could take
that would help?
Yes, I can take my leave.
Now, Klink, show me the surprise
you were talking about.
Yes, sir.
If you will come
with me, please.
This way, sir.
What is it?
A gonculator.
Hogan and his men
are building one.
A gonculator?
As you can see for yourself,
it has many of the
same features as ours.
Naturally not quite the same.
Of course not... that's what
had me fooled for a moment.
But it can be used
for the same purpose.
But not quite as
efficient as ours.
Even with the merkle jammer
and the wiring relays
with the rheostat.
Huh?
How would you
say this gonculator
is basically
different from ours?
Oh, I-I wouldn't dream
of pointing something out
that you know
far better than I do.
I suppose you're going to
report this to the high command?
Report?
Klink, I want you to
make the written report.
Oh, sir, I think that
honor should go to you,
my superior officer.
And as your superior officer,
I order you to make the report.
General Burkhalter,
may I suggest
that we let Colonel Hogan
finish this gonculator.
Then we seize it,
and thus we have a working model
of the American type?
Good idea.
But we must keep an eye
on Hogan every moment.
Oh, General Burkhalter,
when it comes to Colonel
Hogan, I can assure you
I'm always one
step ahead of him.
Ja.
Ja, Herr Kommandant.
They're still working
on the gonculator.
Keep watching and report
everything that happens.
He's still looking, isn't he?
Like a ruddy hawk.
Hey, LeBeau, give
us a light, will you?
Herr Kommandant?
The gonculator
lights cigarettes.
Are you sure?
I want to know every
move they make.
Get me the supply depot.
Captain Dingels, supply officer.
Yes, Colonel Klink.
Information about
the gonculator?
Well, of course
I know what it is.
What, uh...
What model number did
you want to know about?
Oh...
Well, naturally, sir, we, uh...
we must have the model number.
Gen... general information?
Well... uh...
Well, I'm sorry, sir.
The gonculator is
classified "secret"
and we are not allowed
to give that information out.
Yes, sir.
Captain Dingels, supply officer.
Yes, General Burkhalter.
You... want to know
about the gonculator?
Well, I'm sorry, sir,
the gonculator is
classified "secret"
and we are not allowed
to give that information out.
Yes, sir.
Gonculator...
Kinch?
Got any more radio parts?
No, we're fresh out.
But here's an old
alarm clock I took apart.
Oh, good.
Hey, Colonel, where
should I put this?
Carter...
what difference does it make?
Mm-hmm.
Anything new?
They're still working
on it, General.
Klink, it is very important
that Hogan finish
the gonculator.
Yes, General.
But we must find out
how close it is to ours.
You know, ours is
a classified secret.
Of course I know.
That's the very reason
we want to see the
American model.
Did you get the German uniform?
LeBEAU: It's in your office.
Okay, this is the time.
Ah, it's no use!
We can't finish the gonculator.
But, Colonel,
we can't give up now.
LeBEAU: Sure, it's almost done.
Who are we kidding...
We can only go so far.
Without the Lutz diagram,
we might as well
forget all about it.
Colonel,
is the Lutz diagram
so important?
Newkirk, the Lutz diagram is
the heart of the whole machine.
What's going on?
They stopped working
because they have not
got the Lutz diagram.
Well, let's get it for them.
What is it?
Lutz, Lutz... where have
I heard that name before?
Oh, yes, Major Lutz,
the electronics expert.
His name came up
just the other day.
Major Lutz.
I'll get him here right away.
Major Lutz is on the way.
Good.
Hey, we did it again!
Hold the celebration.
We still have to get
him down in the tunnel
and get that homing
device back to England.
Colonel?
You need Schultz any more?
No, we're finished with him.
Right.
Oh, my goodness!
Look what I've...
Schultz, what were
you doing there anyway?
Are you sure you
have the right man?
There are more important
people in my department than I am.
Now, come now,
don't be so modest.
We've heard a lot about you.
You have?
And the Lutz diagram.
The Lutz diagram?
Mm-hmm.
Who's that?
He's from the Gestapo.
He's assigned to me because
of the kind of work I do.
All the people in my
department have our shadows.
I suppose we can't
be too careful...
Especially with things
like the gonculator.
That what?
The gonculator.
Never heard of it.
Oh, we understand
your denying it.
It's a proper
security procedure,
but we know all
about the gonculator.
There's one right
here in this camp.
I don't know what
you're talking about.
If we show you
one, will you admit it?
Naturally, sir.
I cannot deny
something if I see it,
whatever it is.
Oh, it isn't a "whatever it is."
It is a gonculator.
Here is your gonculator.
Schultz, bring it to the table.
There is your gonculator.
It's not a gonculator.
It's a toy I made for
my little niece Lila.
Now, don't bother Major Lutz.
But I promised Lila
I'd send it to her in England.
Look, Hogan,
you're in enough
trouble already.
You're just making it worse.
What was it you called this?
A gonculator, Major.
Of course, it's quite
different from our model, but...
Why am I telling you all this?
You are the expert.
As you say, it's not like
our German gonculator.
Not as good.
Of course not.
Ah, yes.
Still quite interesting.
Will someone
please plug this in?
Sergeant?
Jawohl.
Be careful.
Klink, don't be an idiot...
This man is an expert.
Pull out the plug!
Schultz, pull out the plug!
Where's Major Lutz?
Oh, no.
Is that all that is
left of Major Lutz?
Let us have a
moment of silence...
to honor that brave man...
who gave his all
for the Fatherland.
Here it is.
Good.
We have no time to waste.
They are waiting for us
at the end of the tunnel.
I think I'd better go
and explain to the Gestapo
man what happened.
Yes, sir.
Poor Major Lutz.
Hogan, I'm going to
throw the book at you.
What did I do?
You know what... you
built an illegal gonculator.
Who's going to believe
a bunch of prisoners of war
would build a piece of equipment
that can only be
used in a submarine.
Submarine?
I knew I should
have called the navy.
But I am still
going to report this
to the Prisoner of War
Commission of the High Command.
Fine.
Mark it to the attention
of the officer in charge:
Colonel Johann Schmidt.
Colonel Johann Schmidt?
Perhaps we better forget it?
Hogan, you will give
me your word of honor
that this will never
happen again.
I promise... I'll never
make another gonculator.
Carter?
How about repairing
your rabbit trap.
We'll all help.
Nah, it's no use,
Colonel, it's ruined.
Hey!
Hey, the trap worked.
Hey, I got myself rabbit.
How about that?
We're going to have
that hasenpfeffer after all.
We got everything we need.
That's what you're
going to be: hasenpfeffer.
Why's he looking
at me like that?
Well, Carter, how would you feel
if someone just told you
you were going
to be hasenpfeffer?
Okay.
Go home.
Hey, looks like he's
found a home with us.
He likes us.
Let's keep it as a pet.
One rabbit won't be too
much trouble, will it, Colonel?
Carter, my boy, I
must tell you the truth...
There is no such
thing as one rabbit.