Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 30 - Drums Along the Dusseldorf - full transcript

Another Gestapo patrol.

What kind of fuel is that
truck carrying, Colonel?

According to the underground,

it's experimental
fuel for jet aircraft.

If that truck got
through to Berlin,

it could change the
whole course of the war.

Right.

All right, let's move out.

Colonel, do you
think there's a chance

we might be able to get
the formula for this jet fuel?

No way.



Only one German
scientist knows it.

Well, maybe we could
get ahold of his papers.

He keeps the
formula in his head.

That's what I call
a bit of bad luck, sir.

No, it's good luck.

How's that, sir?

He's riding in the
truck with the fuel.

That's what I said, sir.

That's what I call
a bit of good luck.

More Krauts. Hit the dirt.

Newkirk, would you
get your leg off my hip?

You're always complaining.

I'm not complaining.

That's where I'm
carrying the dynamite.



You could have told me, Carter!

It's not even fused yet.

I just wanted to see
the look on your face.

I hope you're not carrying
any dynamite in your nose,

because that's where
I'm going to punch you.

All right, let's go.

Take it easy.

Yep.

LeBeau...

Yeah.

This plunger's the trigger.

Don't release it

till you get it up to the
bottom of the bridge.

Okay.

Watch it.

That's it.

Got it?

Maybe.

Newkirk, watch the other side.

Yes, sir.

Carter, you sure
this is going to work?

I got it all figured out, sir.

Hold it.

Okay.

Here's how it's going to work.

Now, the vehicle
that's carrying the fuel

is a 1½-ton truck, right?

Right.

Therefore, I've set this trigger

so that only a
vehicle of that weight

can set off the charge.

Right.

Now, then, the truck's
going to come this way

tomorrow between 1:30 and 1:45.

Therefore, I calculate

the exact number
of hours and minutes

between now and then

so that I can set this
precision timer perfectly.

And you've calculated
it to the exact second?

Oh, right.

Good.

Oh, there's one thing, Colonel.

What?

I forgot my watch.

All right, Newkirk,
in the tunnel.

All right, Kinch, radio
the underground.

Tell them we mined the bridge.

Right.

Any chance they might
suspect us, Colonel?

When that bridge blows,
we'll be back in camp.

We haven't missed
a roll call yet.

Where's Carter?

He was there a minute ago.

Leave it to him to
make a mess of things.

Go ahead in the tunnel.

Where have you been?

I went to the wrong tree trunk.

Carter, did you ever feel

that you were in the
wrong line of work?

Well, I once seriously
considered becoming a doctor.

Oh, good choice.

Brain surgeon?

Yeah.

Get in the tunnel.

LeBEAU: Want some coffee?

Yeah, fill her up.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Back, back, back,
back, back, back!

Everybody back!

Sit down... and behave,
or you won't get any mail.

Let's go.

They're not your letters.

Oh, Colonel Hogan!

Thanks, Schultz.

Come on, Schultzy.

Sergeant Kinchloe.

Is there one for me?

Thanks.

Corporal LeBeau.

Mmm! I can tell by the scent

it's from my
Paulette in Bordeaux.

Smells to me like
after-shave lotion.

Where do you expect
her to get perfume?

We're at war, you know.

Got anything for me, Schultzy?

Uh... Newkirk.

Oh, thanks, old boy.

There... Hansen.

Saunders.

Sergeant...

"Sergeant Little Deer Who Goes
Swift and Sure Through Forest"?

You're kidding, Schultz.

That's what it says.

That's me.

You're Little Deer Who Goes
Swift and Sure Through Forest?

That's right.

I think he just broke his hoof.

If I were you, Little Deer,

I'd stay out of the woods
during the hunting season.

All right, have
your little joke.

I didn't know you had
Indian blood, Carter.

Oh, sure, we're from
the Sioux Indians.

My great-grandfather
fought with Sitting Bull.

Oh, you mean, you are real
Indian, like in the movies?

Schultz has got
some Indian blood, too.

He's got natural rhythm.

Hey, Little Deer, who's the
letter from? Pocahontas?

It happens to be from
my cousin in North Dakota.

What is his name?

Angry Rabbit Who
Has Thorn in Cottontail.

That'd make anybody angry.

This is wunderbar!

I always wanted to
meet a real, live Indian.

Oh, I can hardly wait
to tell it to my wife.

Oh, by the way, Colonel Hogan,

Commandant Klink wants
to see you in his office.

All right, Schultz.

Good-bye, Chief.

What does your
cousin say, Carter?

Oh, I'm glad he's
feeling better.

Come in, come in, come in.

You wanted to see
me, Colonel Klink?

Yes, Hogan, I want your
men to prepare a barracks

for 12 new American prisoners.

I don't think it's in our deal

to provide you
with maid service.

Hogan, these are
your countrymen.

I should think that
you would be delighted

to want to make things
comfortable for them.

Oh, I'll see that
each one of them

has a pipe and slippers
by his bunk then.

Your sarcasm does
not impress me, Hogan.

When are they arriving?

The prisoners are due
to leave Wiesbaden

in a few minutes, and will be
here between 1:00 and 2:00.

We'll have it ready, Commandant.

You did say
Wiesbaden, didn't you?

That's right.

And they'll have to cross

over the Düsseldorf River?

Yes.

By way of the Hammelburg Bridge?

Why are you so interested
from which way they're coming?

I want to make sure they
come by the scenic route.

There's nothing
like a nice drive

down the Düsseldorf
in a staff car.

They happen to be
coming in a truck.

Oh, I have to hand
it to Burkhalter.

He's done it again.

He's done what again?

Oh, it's obvious
this is another one

of Burkhalter's schemes
to get you, Colonel.

May I remind you,

Colonel Hogan, that
General Burkhalter

has only the highest
admiration and respect for me?

And he's handing
these prisoners to me

because he knows that
I'm the finest commandant

of any German prison camp.

And what do you
think his scheme is?

Same old story.

He wants to make you look bad.

He wants to break your
perfect record of no escapes.

But what has this
got to do with it?

12 new prisoners
with the same old

understaffed, overworked,
stir-crazy guards.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

12 new prisoners, 12
more chances of escape.

Burkhalter's getting
better odds every day.

Perhaps I should call him.

Frau Hilda, get me
General Burkhalter

on the phone at once.

I like a man of action, sir.

I saw through Burkhalter's
scheme all along.

You've got to get up
pretty early in the morning

to fool Colonel Klink.

General Burkhalter, this
is Colonel Klink speaking!

General Burkhalter,
I must insist

that the 12 new
American prisoners

be sent to another
stalag at once!

Please, General Burkhalter,
try to understand...

We are already overcrowded here.

My guards are understaffed
and overworked.

Don't forget the stir-crazy bit.

And we're going stir-crazy, sir.

What's that?

No, sir, I do not speak Russian.

Yes, sir. Russian.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

It was merely a suggestion,
General Burkhalter.

I assure you, 12 new prisoners

won't be any trouble at all.

As a matter of fact, sir,

may I suggest that you
send me 40 or 50 more.

I will welcome them
with open arms, sir.

Yes, sir. Only 12 prisoners.

Yes, sir.

Well, General Burkhalter,

it has been absolutely wonderful

having this little
chat with you.

Heil, Hitler.

Prepare for 12 new prisoners.

They'll be here
within two hours.

And Hogan... dismissed!

Hilda, what kind of a truck are
the new prisoners coming in?

A German truck. You see, all
the good trucks have been sent...

I know that. What size?

A 1½-ton truck.

But I shouldn't
be telling you this.

Don't feel bad.

You're not giving comfort
and aid to the enemy.

Thanks, Hilda.

Come on, Carter,

show us how to do the dance.

Why don't you two
just knock it off?

But we want you to help
us with the rain dance.

If it rains, we won't
have to go outside

and do those ruddy exercises.

We Sioux aren't too
much on rain dances.

Massacres are more our style.

And if you two fellows will wait

until I get through carving
this little bow and arrow,

I'll be happy to give
you a little demonstration.

That's not very nice.

Oh, come on, Carter,
be a sweet Sioux.

All right, fellows,
gather round.

Something the matter, Colonel?

Don't tell me old
Klink's on the warpath.

Nothing personal, Carter.

I just found out a group
of American prisoners

is crossing the
Hammelburg Bridge in a truck

between 1:30 and 1:45.

Hey, if they cross that
bridge before that fuel truck,

they're going to
be blown sky-high.

Exactly.

One of us had
better get out there

and demine that bridge.

Yeah, and since
this is broad daylight,

this is a job that calls
for the little old lady.

Do, uh...

you think you're up to the
job, Frau Newkirkburger?

I'll not only demine the bridge,

but I may stay around

and try and find a rich
old widower meself.

What are you doing, old woman?

Excuse me, Sergeant.

I wonder if you could
give an old lady a ride.

Are you out of your mind?

This vehicle is for
military use only.

I was a nurse in the last war.

Old lady, please...

I was the personal
nurse of Kaiser Wilhelm.

Old lady, I cannot...

Oh, the Kaiser...

It was more than just a
nurse-patient relationship.

When we were alone,

I used to call him Willie,

and he used to call me Bubbie.

My dear frau, I must deliver
this truckload of prisoners.

It would only take
you a few minutes

to give an old lady a ride

to her granddaughter.

Oh, Stalin should have
my rheumatism today.

I cannot be concerned
with your rheumatism!

I understand, Sergeant,

but it seems a shame you
won't meet my granddaughter,

the out-of-work fan dancer.

Your granddaughter
is a fan dancer?

Oh, she's so
beautiful, and so lonely.

Now that all of you handsome men

are off in the army,

she just sits alone
in her apartment,

with just her two fans.

Of course, uh, if your
rheumatism is so bad,

and, uh, well,
the Kaiser's nurse,

perhaps, uh... perhaps
we could take you

to your granddaughter.

What were you saying, Sergeant?

I said perhaps we could
take you in the truck after all.

Oh, you can forget
your ride, Sergeant.

Your military trucks
are too dangerous.

Hey, you ought to have seen
the look on that Kraut's face

when the bridge and the truck
exploded with all that jet fuel.

Blimey! It was something.

And his eyes... his
eyes got as big as...

well, almost as big as when I
told him about the fan dancer.

Hey, Newkirk, that
was an inspiration.

I could have never
thought of that.

Well, it comes
easy to me, chumps.

Haven't you've ever noticed

the occasional feather
dropping out me envelopes?

Mission accomplished.

Hey, let's celebrate.

I will open a bottle
of vintage wine.

It's almost four hours old.

Marvelous.

Take the glasses, huh?

Yeah.

There's something
I got to tell you.

I'm standing there, right,

the truck goes up... boom!

Dirt all over the place.

You never...

Colonel Hogan, guards
have been posted

around the barracks,
and you and your men

are restricted to the quarters.

Oh, just a minute, Schultz.

Those are my orders,

and anybody seen outside...

Will be shot.

What is it this time, Schultz?

I know nothing.

I know what it is.

We all know what it is.

Who said sabotage?

I did.

Why is it we can never
keep a secret from you?!

Because the other guards

are not as close-mouthed
as you, Schultz.

All right, but nobody leaves

until further notice.

Verstanden?

Verstanden.

So anyway,
everything's flying...

Carter...

could you do me a favor?

When you write home,

ask them for the little hat

with the feather on top.

And if he can't get one,

Newkirk's girlfriend
will send you one.

Fine, Schultzy.

Thank you.

Hey, Colonel, I finished
my bow and arrow.

You want me to show
you how to use it?

Not now, Carter.

It'll just take a minute.

Colonel, the underground
just contacted us.

They're going to send champagne?

Nope.

Oh, that's great.

I go out and risk my life,

and that's the way they
show their appreciation.

They do appreciate you
risking your life, Newkirk,

but the jet fuel wasn't
in the truck we blew up.

Are you serious?

Yep.

What was the truck carrying?

Our Red Cross packages.

But where's the
truck with the jet fuel?

It's been rerouted.

What's the new route?

It's due to pass right
by this camp tonight

between 9:00 and 9:15.

And they still want
us to knock it off.

They've got Krauts
crawling all over the place.

They're even at the
opening of the tunnel.

How can we do anything?

They didn't say
how; they said do.

Don't worry, sir.

We'll think of something.

Yeah, well, if somebody
comes up with a brainstorm,

I'll be in my office.

LeBeau, put away
the wine, please.

Let it age a few
more hours. Right.

Do they really think that
jet fuel is so important?

They said it could
be the difference

between winning and losing.

It just isn't fair.

Why is it always one of us
that has to do the dirty work?

Are you all right, Colonel?

Carter, I had nothing to do
with the sale of Manhattan Island.

The 24 bucks was
Peter Stuyvesant's idea.

I'm sorry, sir.

I was testing the bowstring,
and it must have slipped.

Carter, put that thing away.

You're a ruddy menace.

Oh, leave him alone.

Better a bow and
arrow than a tomahawk.

I'm glad it didn't fly
through the window.

These things
aren't easy to make.

Hold it a minute, fellows.

Carter, is that the best you
can do with your native weapon?

Oh, no, sir, I won
a lot of trophies

with this thing back home.

It's like riding a bicycle:

Once you learn,
you never forget.

Kinch?

Yeah.

Come with me.

How far would you say
it is from this window

to the road just
outside of the camp?

Well, I can throw a
football about 50 yards,

and I once threw a pass

from just outside the
barracks here to Carter,

who was standing just
inside the barbed wire.

And he dropped it.

We could say it's
about 60 yards, huh?

I'd say that's about it.

I think we could also say

that it's within range
of Carter's arrow.

My arrow?

Your flaming arrow.

What have you got
in mind, Colonel?

Carter's people burned
up a lot of covered wagons.

Just think what a
flaming arrow could do

to a truck carrying jet fuel.

That's a smashing idea.

And to think we owe
it all to Little Deer.

Who Goes Swift and
Sure Through Forest.

Hang on... German military
vehicles have governors,

and they never travel at
more than 35 miles an hour.

Now, the truck will be coming
down the road from the north,

and the wind is from the south.

That means the
arrow should be aimed

about 15 yards in front
of the moving vehicle.

Now, figuring the area of canvas

on a 1½-ton truck,
that should give Carter

about a seven-to
ten-foot margin for error.

And I'd say he'd
need every foot of it.

Well, we're not going
to take any chances.

Newkirk, take Little
Deer down in the tunnel

and practice till show time.

Right, sir,

the moment I check
out my G.I. insurance.

We didn't need Newkirk
at the Little Bighorn, sir.

This is the first time

I've made arrow flambé.

Better write down the recipe.

We may use it again.

How's Little Deer doing
with the bow and arrow?

Just don't lend
him your bicycle.

No sweat.

Roll call!

All right, look,
everybody outside

except Newkirk and
Carter... Come with me!

Schultz will know
you're missing.

Create a confusion.

We'll be out in a minute. Right.

All right, Carter, any second.

Get it ready.

You got a match, Newkirk?

Oh, some Indian you are.

Remember, lead the
truck by about 15 yards.

Why do we need a roll call

at this time of the
night, Schultzy?

Colonel Klink ordered it.

It is not up to you, LeBeau!

Let's leave it up
to the others, then.

All of those in favor of
roll call, raise your hand!

All of those
opposed to roll call...

Hey! Hold...

Hold it!

I will not stand for
any insubordination!

Good word.

Thank you.

Would you just get back?

Where is Colonel Hogan?

And where is Newkirk?

And where is Little Deer

That Goes Swift and
Sure Through Forest?

I guess they were asleep.

Colonel Hogan!

Everybody out for roll call!

All right, Carter, let it fly.

No wonder you lost the West.

Beautiful, Newkirk.

You've got Indian
blood in you, too.

Well, actually, sir,
descended from Robin Hood.

If you like, for an encore,

I'll go out and rob
some rich people.

Forget it, the truck
should be passing

the front gate in
about a minute.

Are all the men
assembled, Schultz?

We are waiting

for Colonel Hogan,
Herr Kommandant.

You're not waiting
for me, Schultz.

Prisoners, your
stupid underground

has attempted to
stop the shipment

of a vital war material.

At this very moment

a truck with
experimental jet fuel,

and one of Germany's
most brilliant scientists,

is passing by this very camp

on its way to Berlin

with ultimate victory for
our glorious fatherland.

You were saying, Colonel?

I can't believe it.

You know, you'd
think a brilliant scientist

would be smart enough to
put up a "no smoking" sign.

Hi, Schultz.

Colonel Hogan,

Commandant Klink
is very angry at you.

He'll get over it, Schultz.

I got a gift for
you from Carter.

Yeah?

He's made you

an honorary chief
of the Sioux tribe.

Ooh!

It's beautiful.

Ooh!

Uh-huh.

He's also given you
a new name, Schultz.

What? What? What? What? What?

You are now Big
Chief Running Bear

Who Goes Swift and
Sure to Beer Garden.

Or you could be Big Fat Schultz

Who Goes Swift and
Sure to Russian Front.

Colonel Hogan, you and your men

are restricted to barracks,

and all privileges are canceled.

Why?!

Because the lights
were still on at 10:30.

It's not every night, sir,

we get a chance to see a
German truck barbecued.

I can assure you, Hogan,

we will find those saboteurs.

Dismissed.

He took my feather.

I'd say we scalp him,

but somebody beat us to it.

Colonel, I think the...

Sorry, Chief.

Out!