Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 29 - Monkey Business - full transcript
Hogan's latest escapee is a chimp from the local zoo who helps them deliver a radio part to the underground.
Come in.
Royal Navy 371, come in, please.
Over.
I wonder why we're having such
trouble contacting the British sub.
Maybe they've stopped for tea.
I find that in very
bad taste, old boy.
Royal Navy 371
calling Stalag 13.
Come in, Stalag 13.
Over.
Colonel Hogan here.
Glad you could read us.
We were getting worried
when you didn't answer our call.
Nothing to worry about, old boy.
The Jerries have had
a destroyer tracking us,
but we've managed to give
him the slip just in time for tea.
One lump, Willoughby, please.
Tell London I have
a message for them.
Oh, righto.
Stand by.
Uh... Royal Navy
calling London G2.
Come in, London.
Colonel Wembley.
Yes, Sergeant.
We've just made
contact with a sub.
They have a message
from Stalag 13.
Well, that may be the message
to say Hogan has made contact
with the underground.
Go ahead, Royal Navy 371.
I'm in contact with
London, Stalag 13.
Go ahead.
Tell London that our man Carter
is delivering a spare part
so the underground can
repair their transmitter.
Hogan says his man
Carter is now delivering
that spare part to
the underground.
Did you get that message, sir?
Good show.
The underground needs that part
for their transmitter
desperately.
Oh, uh... send
along congratulations
to Hogan and all his chaps.
I relayed your
message to London,
and G2 sends along his
congratulations to all you chaps.
Thank you. Over and out.
I hope you didn't
build up their hopes.
That's some show the
8th Air Force is putting on.
They must be bombing that ball
bearing factory outside of town.
Carter will get through.
He's got to get through.
The underground's
going to radio London
some German troop movements
in time for a probing raid.
Sir, I'm not putting
a knock on Carter...
You know I think
he's a splendid fellow,
and he did a marvelous job
building that part
for the transmitter...
But I just think you
should have sent me out
to deliver it to
the underground.
Not at teatime, old boy.
Carter should have
been back by now.
Maybe he waited for
the bombing to stop
before he started back.
The air raid's been
over two hours.
Want me to have a
look around, Colonel?
Let's give him a
few more minutes.
Everybody restricted
to the barracks.
Give me the ball.
Come on, come on,
come on, give me the ball.
Give me the ball!
Everybody restricted
to the barracks.
You're not playing catch.
Come on, Schultz.
Not again.
Please don't...
Those are Commandant
Klink's orders.
Give me the ball.
You're going to
put me to trouble.
Please!
Everybody restricted
to the barracks.
Why are we all
restricted, Schultz?
Because there's a
shortage of guards.
How many guards
deserted this time?
No German soldier ever deserts!
I'd like to be in Switzerland
with the sauerbraten
concession, Schultz.
What happened to all the guards?
They're in the woods,
chasing lions and elephants
and leopards and who knows what.
Schultz, I thought you
didn't hit the schnapps
when you're on duty.
No, it's true.
One of your bombers
smashed and demolished
the ball bearing factory
next to the Hammelburg Zoo.
You mean to say
the old zoo got hit
and all those wild
animals are running loose?
The woods are full of them.
You should have volunteered
for the hunt then, Schultz.
You could have gotten
your wife a fur coat cheap.
They would like me
to go in the woods
with all those animals, huh?
I happen to be an animal lover,
and I think you'd make a great
sit-down dinner for six lions.
Funny, funny.
Jolly joker.
Everybody's restricted
to the barracks,
and I'll come
back for a roll call.
You understand?
Now, back to the barracks.
Back, back, back.
Schnell!
Mach schnell!
Everybody back to the barracks.
Well, we got some great news.
The zoo got hit in the raid.
All the animals
busted out of cages.
No kidding.
Yeah, let's hope that
Carter got to the underground
before the animals got loose.
Aah, this mission is too risky.
He should have been
back an hour ago.
It's my fault.
What were you
supposed to do, Colonel?
Send him out with
a whip and a chair?
Andrew, where you been?
We've been worried about you.
Hi, everybody.
You okay?
Did you know that
the woods were filled
with wild animals from the zoo?
Well, did you also know it
was also filled with guards,
and that's why we couldn't
get this transmitter part
to the underground?
At least you're safe.
We'll have to
send you out again.
Carter, did you say "we"?
Yeah.
You went on the mission alone.
I know, but I
picked up a friend.
Who?
Come on out.
It's all right.
Carter, are you crazy?
What'd you bring him back for?
I just had to, Colonel.
He was so frightened
out there in the woods,
and he just ran over
and took hold of my hand
and wouldn't let go.
There were a lot of
frightened animals out there.
You're telling me.
You should have
seen the grizzly bear
that wanted to
come back with us.
He wasn't so easy to turn down.
I think it's a great idea
he brought him back, sir.
He'll make a marvelous mascot.
Are you crazy, too?
We can't keep a chimp in here.
Sir, I know all
about chimpanzees.
I traveled with a circus.
I roomed with the
Amazing Bloomingtons...
George and Freddy.
How does that
make you an expert?
Freddy was a chimp.
See that?
I wouldn't mind betting
his name's Freddy.
He probably thinks
you're a long-lost relative.
Charming.
Here you go, then, Freddy,
up on the bunk.
Hey, just a minute.
That's my bunk.
Oh, come on.
There's room for two of you.
You're both the same size.
You're the chimpanzee expert.
Let him sleep with you.
My pleasure, mate.
Hey, Freddy.
Come on over here.
This is my place.
Come on.
Nothing formal, mind you.
Sit down.
All right, everybody
stand by for roll call.
All present, Schultz.
Take my word for it.
I have my orders from
Commandant Klink himself.
There are 14 men
in this barracks.
I would like to see 14 faces.
All right, be our guest.
One, two, three,
four, five, six...
seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven...
Please, Colonel Hogan, tell
me I didn't see what I just saw.
Colonel Hogan...
Colonel Hogan, please tell me
it is LeBeau who
is holding my hand.
Come here, Freddy. Come here.
Come here, buddy.
Oh, no!
This time you went too far.
Oh, this, I have to report.
It would be worth my life.
How did he get in here?
Well, he climbed over the fence
to get away from the hunters.
Wouldn't you if
you were a chimp?
How can you ask a hippopotamus
to think like a chimp?
You want me to believe
he went over the fence?
Why don't you ask him?
Remember, Freddy, just
name, rank and serial number.
I'm going to ask the
questions, if you don't mind.
Now, you, come here.
Now, you tell me...
Oh, no, that's too much.
Oh, I have to tell this
one to the commandant.
Schultz...
look at that little face.
You can't turn him out
among all those wild animals.
Look at him.
Yeah, we could use a
fresh face in the barracks.
He's so funny.
All right, I shall do this.
But this time, I see nothing.
Thanks, Schultz.
Thanks, Schultz.
But don't let the
commandant see the monkey.
Monkey, Schultz?
Freddy is a chimpanzee.
He's very sensitive about that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Freddy.
I'm going to bring
him a knockwurst.
Colonel, they've probably
pulled those guards back.
Shall I go out again?
Naw, if they had, Schultz
would have mentioned it.
Well, we better try
something, Colonel.
London says the
underground needs that part
for their transmitter
desperately.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Well, I haven't
thought of anything.
Have you, Freddy?
It's a shame the
Germans don't have
a big game hunter
like my cousin Emile.
Did he ever hunt in Africa?
Yes.
He told me that one day,
with one shot, he brought down
the largest bull
elephant in the Congo.
Wow.
The natives called him
"the king of the bull."
Wait a minute.
The Germans don't
have a big game hunter.
Suppose we gave them one.
What good would that do?
While our big game
hunter is helping the guards,
he can also make contact
with the underground.
Hey, that's a smashing
idea, but who have we got?
The bull king's cousin.
So, Corporal LeBeau is
really a big game hunter?
That's right, sir.
In one day alone, he
shot enough elephants
for six baby grands,
two uprights and a spinet.
Hogan, my men are perfectly able
to handle the
situation themselves.
Just wanted to offer
a helping hand, sir.
That's very considerate of you,
but these are well-trained
German soldiers.
Mm-hmm.
If we can defeat
the Russian bear,
we certainly can
defeat African lions.
Have you heard the score
from Stalingrad lately?
Bears: 30; Germans: nothing.
Hogan...
Take my word for it, Commandant,
the lions are going
to shut you out, too.
So the cockroach is
really a big game hunter?
That's right.
But why would a Frenchman
volunteer to help Germans?
He wants to get
out of the barracks,
get a little fresh air.
That the only reason?
No.
After those animals
finish gorging themselves
on your guards,
they may come in
here for seconds.
Hogan, it is against regulations
to give a gun to a prisoner.
Oh, come on, Commandant.
You're a good officer.
You know that sometimes
you have to throw away the book.
Never!
A good German officer
always sticks by the book.
Just how good a shot is LeBeau?
I assure you, Commandant,
I am a fabulous shot.
You have nothing
to worry about, sir.
They'll take care
of the wild animals.
What do you mean, "they"?
I thought you said
LeBeau was the hunter.
He's my gun bearer.
Gun bearer?
That's right.
You don't send a
bwana out alone.
Bwana?
That's Swahili for "I can get a
leopard skin for you wholesale."
It loses a little
in the translation.
Oh, my wife would
like to have a fur coat.
Take Schultz's order.
How about a nice
grizzly bear skin?
On her, it would
look like a stole.
How about...
How about just shutting up?
LeBeau, are you
sure this is not a trick?
If you have any doubts
about my marksmanship, sir,
I would be glad to
demonstrate for you.
Mm-hmm, that's a good idea.
Check the gun, bearer.
Everything is in order, bwana.
Thank you.
See that box?
Mm-hmm.
That's a charging rhinoceros.
Bwana, that pail
down there is a leopard!
Bwana, there's a
big bull elephant
coming by that sign!
Guards!
Guards!
It's all right, Herr General,
it's all right.
It's all right?!
This prisoner has a gun.
You don't understand, sir...
He is a bwana.
He's a what?
He's a bwana.
Klink, you Dummkopf.
What is the meaning of all this?
Corporal LeBeau is
going out to help my guards
hunt down the animals
that escaped from the zoo.
You are sending out
this man, a prisoner?
Out there alone with a gun?!
Oh, no, sir.
He is his gun bearer.
I want to see you
in your office immediately.
Yes, sir.
Why do I have to listen to you?
Gun bearer...
Hey, what happened?
Burkhalter showed up
and killed the whole plan.
If anybody comes up with an idea
how we get in touch
with the underground,
I'll be in my office.
Boy Howdy,
Burkhalter was so mad,
I think he's going to
throw Klink to the lions.
Well, maybe one of us
will just take his chances.
With all those guards
roaming the woods,
it would be a million to one.
Yeah, Kinch is right.
If one of us gets spotted
with that radio part
near the underground,
you got a very good chance
they might uncover
the transmitter.
Newkirk!
Now you've gone too far!
How about that?
Newkirk, you're kidding.
Where'd you get
Freddy that outfit?
I just took one of
LeBeau's old fatigue suits.
Lengthened the trousers a bit,
it was perfect.
Don't be so funny.
Didn't know you were
that sensitive, LeBeau.
I am not sensitive
about my height,
but I don't like it that
Freddy outranks me.
All right, all right.
We should be thinking
about the mission.
I taught him to
do a lot of tricks.
Watch now.
Freddy, that's enough sweeping.
What about making
up the Colonel's bunk?
That's marvelous.
Hey, that's enough of that.
Now, what about
putting the water on
for the coffee?
We'll call you when the
coffee is ready, Colonel.
You did a fine job!
Very good, Freddy, now.
You know, I've got a great idea.
I'm going to send Freddy
out through the tunnel,
bring in a couple of his
chums and we got it made.
We'll be the only
prisoners of war
with free live-in help.
Yeah, but if we're going to
keep Freddy as a mascot,
you better not have him
working around the barracks here,
because Klink's
bound to see him.
Yeah, Carter is right.
Klink would have Freddy
taken back to the zoo like a shot.
Newkirk, you better take
Freddy down to the radio room
until things cool off.
Right, sir.
I might even teach him
how to work the radio,
which would leave you available
for other duties, Kinch.
You know, hold it, hold it.
Newkirk, wait a minute.
Yes, sir?
It might be better
if Klink did see Freddy.
But Klink would send
him back to the zoo.
That's right... Sergeant
Schultz could be his escort.
But then we'd lose our mascot.
We might lose a mascot,
but the underground might gain
a transmitter part.
Colonel Hogan...
you know all the prisoners
are restricted
to their quarters.
I just can't stay away from you.
The Kaiser in?
He's on the telephone
with General Burkhalter.
Planning the winter
campaign for the eastern front?
I think the general may
send Colonel Klink there
if he doesn't do something
about those wild animals.
The whole town is complaining.
I'd better go in and
brighten up his day.
Yes, General Burkhalter,
I will do my utmost
to round up those
animals from the zoo.
But you see, it is the
fault of the zookeeper.
We've never had an escape
from my camp, only from the zoo.
What's that?
Transfer me to the zoo?
What a delightful sense of
humor, General Burkhalter.
Either you're not laughing
or we're having
a bad connection.
Yes, sir, it will all
be taken care of.
Heil Hitler.
Getting a little heat
from Burkhalter, sir?
What am I?
A zookeeper or the
head of a POW camp?
He just doesn't
understand my problems.
It's too easy for
him to give orders,
and he expects miracles.
General Burkhalter
is so... he's so...
German.
Exactly.
Hogan, please don't
cause any more trouble.
It's enough for one day.
Actually, I'm here to show
you we're helping you out, sir.
How is that?
Got the men to volunteer
to do some gardening
around the camp.
Gardening?
Your men are
restricted to the barracks.
That's right... Thought
it would look nice
if we planted some daisies,
forget-me-nots and buttercups
around the camp.
I was not aware
that you were
such a nature lover.
Mm-hmm, we think it'll, uh...
it'll go a lot easier
for you, sir...
You should be prepared.
Prepared for what?
For the liberation.
When the Allies
march in the front gate,
it'll go a lot easier for you
if you're standing there
with a bouquet of pansies.
I'm not interested in your men
doing any gardening.
Believe me, it'll make the place
look real great, sir.
Here, just have a look.
Just order your men
back to the barracks.
Aw, look, it's good for morale.
Look how happy
they are out there
digging and raking and...
Hogan, really, I...
Look.
Something the matter, sir?
I'm going to have to ask
for two weeks at a rest camp.
Really?
It's no use kidding
myself, Hogan,
but the pressure of being
number one is beginning to tell.
It is?
You won't believe this,
but, uh... when I looked
out the window, I...
I can't even tell you.
Go ahead, try me.
You sure you won't laugh?
You have my word.
When I looked out that window,
I thought I saw a chimpanzee
raking in the garden.
Well, if it'll make
you feel better, sir,
there is a chimpanzee
raking in the garden.
That's what I thought.
Well, I need a rest.
What?!
Yeah, he's the
sergeant with the stripes.
His name is Freddy.
Bring that man in here!
Really, Colonel,
he's our mascot.
Hogan, there is nothing
in the Geneva Convention
that says that you
can have a mascot.
Well, it's not our fault, sir.
He came wandering
into camp from the zoo
and we just sort of
took him in the outfit.
Hogan, do you realize
what General
Burkhalter would say
if he saw a chimpanzee
working in the garden?
It's a lot better
than if he saw him lying
in the sack goldbricking.
Well, I'm grateful that a lion
didn't walk into your barracks.
Him I would let goldbrick.
You wanted to see us, sir?
Yes.
Attention!
Colonel, before you send
Freddy back to the zoo,
I'd like to plead his case.
Hogan, not another
word out of you.
But if he was in the
Hammelburg Zoo,
he's a German.
You might say he's
a civilian employee.
Well, then he should be shot
for fraternizing
with the prisoners.
How do we know
he isn't a spy, sir?
Good point.
He does look a lot
like some of the
Gestapo guys I've seen.
Hogan, I will not be diverted.
He goes back to the
zoo, and that's final.
Freddy, you may
not believe this,
but this is the
first case I've lost.
Hogan! All right.
When do you want
Schultz to take him back?
- Immediately.
- Uh, Colonel?
Would it be possible
just to have few
minutes so that...
Freddy could say
good-bye to his buddies?
That's the least you can do, sir
All right, say good-bye,
but make it brief.
It'll be brief.
Pretty tough to talk
when you're all choked up.
Calling Royal Navy 371.
This is Stalag 13.
Royal Navy 371 to Stalag 13.
Come in.
I have a message for London
with some instructions
that have to be relayed
to the underground.
Righto, Colonel.
I'll contact London to stand by.
Colonel Wembley, we're
getting some instructions
for the underground
from Stalag 13.
Well, that must mean
they haven't delivered
that transmitter part yet.
I've sewn the part
in his pocket, sir.
Take him upstairs
and stand by for
Schultz to come.
Right, sir. Come on, Freddy.
Royal Navy 371 to Stalag 13,
we have London standing by.
What are your instructions?
Tell London to inform
the underground
the pickup point
for the radio part
is the Hammelburg Zoo.
Your instructions are to
inform the underground
that the pickup
of the spare part
will be at the Hammelburg zoo.
At the zoo?
Well, that could
be quite dangerous.
Ask them why they insist
on a rendezvous at the zoo.
Colonel Hogan,
London wants to know
why you insist on the zoo
for the rendezvous point.
Because our courier
is a chimpanzee.
We've had some
transmission problem.
Would you repeat that message?
Repeat: Our courier
is a chimpanzee.
Chimpanzee?
Chimpanzee?
Chimpanzee?
I thought we weren't giving
our messages in code, sir.
Perhaps Hogan
has forgotten that.
Would you look up "chimpanzee"
in the code book, Sergeant?
"Chimpanzee" is
not part of code, sir.
I have no idea
what the message is at all.
The chimpanzee will be wearing
a fatigue uniform
with sergeant's stripes
and answers to
the name of Freddy.
I've heard of Yankee ingenuity,
but this is ridiculous.
I was going to make him
a sports jacket, you know.
LeBEAU: You didn't
find the material?
Well, I couldn't
find anything right.
Do you what I mean?
I think he looks
better like this.
You really do?
I think it's great.
Hey, let me take
a look at you, then.
You're right handsome, you are.
What took so long, Colonel?
Did you have any trouble
with the transmission?
No, but it wasn't easy
convincing London
that the man we're
sending out is a chimp.
All right, all right.
Here's Schultz.
He's all set, Schultz.
What is he doing
in that uniform?
You can't take away his suit.
He's grown awfully
fond of it, Schultz.
Yeah, you can't take
that away from him.
It gets pretty cold in a cage.
Yeah, you wouldn't
want anyone to see you
walking down the street with a
naked chimpanzee, would you?
All right, he can
keep his clothes on.
That's a good boy, Schultz.
You're okay.
Well, Freddy, my old mate,
this is it.
I hope we meet again.
LeBEAU: Au revoir, mon pote.
Bye, Freddy, good luck.
Freddy...
you're one of the
great chimps of all time.
I feel terrible taking him away.
Maybe we could say he ran away
and you could hide him here.
No, no, no...
We don't want to
get you in trouble.
Now, you've got to do your duty.
Good-bye, Freddy.
Maybe you're right.
Come on, Freddy, come on.
You know, I'm going
to miss the little fellow.
He'll always be a
hero in my heart.
After the war, I think I'm going
to recommend Freddy for a medal.
Yeah, the Legion of Merit
with a peanut cluster.
Calling Royal Navy 371,
come in, please. Over.
Stalag 13, we've got a
message from London for you.
Royal Navy 371,
congratulate Hogan
and his chaps.
We've just had word
from the underground
that they got that part
for their transmitter
from Sergeant Freddy.
The raid will take
place as scheduled.
Pity we couldn't use
the little fellow again.
He's one of the most
reliable couriers we've had yet.
Thank you, Royal Navy 371.
Over and out.
Hey, Newkirk,
where are you going?
I thought I'd go up
and take a look
around the woods.
You know, make sure
all the guards have left.
Oh, Schultz said they've
captured all the animals
and the guards are back.
You know old Schultz.
I just thought I'd, you know,
like to take a look
around meself.
That's a very
good idea, Newkirk.
Go right ahead.
Right, sir.
Give my regards to Freddy, huh?
Will do, sir.
Royal Navy 371, come in, please.
Over.
I wonder why we're having such
trouble contacting the British sub.
Maybe they've stopped for tea.
I find that in very
bad taste, old boy.
Royal Navy 371
calling Stalag 13.
Come in, Stalag 13.
Over.
Colonel Hogan here.
Glad you could read us.
We were getting worried
when you didn't answer our call.
Nothing to worry about, old boy.
The Jerries have had
a destroyer tracking us,
but we've managed to give
him the slip just in time for tea.
One lump, Willoughby, please.
Tell London I have
a message for them.
Oh, righto.
Stand by.
Uh... Royal Navy
calling London G2.
Come in, London.
Colonel Wembley.
Yes, Sergeant.
We've just made
contact with a sub.
They have a message
from Stalag 13.
Well, that may be the message
to say Hogan has made contact
with the underground.
Go ahead, Royal Navy 371.
I'm in contact with
London, Stalag 13.
Go ahead.
Tell London that our man Carter
is delivering a spare part
so the underground can
repair their transmitter.
Hogan says his man
Carter is now delivering
that spare part to
the underground.
Did you get that message, sir?
Good show.
The underground needs that part
for their transmitter
desperately.
Oh, uh... send
along congratulations
to Hogan and all his chaps.
I relayed your
message to London,
and G2 sends along his
congratulations to all you chaps.
Thank you. Over and out.
I hope you didn't
build up their hopes.
That's some show the
8th Air Force is putting on.
They must be bombing that ball
bearing factory outside of town.
Carter will get through.
He's got to get through.
The underground's
going to radio London
some German troop movements
in time for a probing raid.
Sir, I'm not putting
a knock on Carter...
You know I think
he's a splendid fellow,
and he did a marvelous job
building that part
for the transmitter...
But I just think you
should have sent me out
to deliver it to
the underground.
Not at teatime, old boy.
Carter should have
been back by now.
Maybe he waited for
the bombing to stop
before he started back.
The air raid's been
over two hours.
Want me to have a
look around, Colonel?
Let's give him a
few more minutes.
Everybody restricted
to the barracks.
Give me the ball.
Come on, come on,
come on, give me the ball.
Give me the ball!
Everybody restricted
to the barracks.
You're not playing catch.
Come on, Schultz.
Not again.
Please don't...
Those are Commandant
Klink's orders.
Give me the ball.
You're going to
put me to trouble.
Please!
Everybody restricted
to the barracks.
Why are we all
restricted, Schultz?
Because there's a
shortage of guards.
How many guards
deserted this time?
No German soldier ever deserts!
I'd like to be in Switzerland
with the sauerbraten
concession, Schultz.
What happened to all the guards?
They're in the woods,
chasing lions and elephants
and leopards and who knows what.
Schultz, I thought you
didn't hit the schnapps
when you're on duty.
No, it's true.
One of your bombers
smashed and demolished
the ball bearing factory
next to the Hammelburg Zoo.
You mean to say
the old zoo got hit
and all those wild
animals are running loose?
The woods are full of them.
You should have volunteered
for the hunt then, Schultz.
You could have gotten
your wife a fur coat cheap.
They would like me
to go in the woods
with all those animals, huh?
I happen to be an animal lover,
and I think you'd make a great
sit-down dinner for six lions.
Funny, funny.
Jolly joker.
Everybody's restricted
to the barracks,
and I'll come
back for a roll call.
You understand?
Now, back to the barracks.
Back, back, back.
Schnell!
Mach schnell!
Everybody back to the barracks.
Well, we got some great news.
The zoo got hit in the raid.
All the animals
busted out of cages.
No kidding.
Yeah, let's hope that
Carter got to the underground
before the animals got loose.
Aah, this mission is too risky.
He should have been
back an hour ago.
It's my fault.
What were you
supposed to do, Colonel?
Send him out with
a whip and a chair?
Andrew, where you been?
We've been worried about you.
Hi, everybody.
You okay?
Did you know that
the woods were filled
with wild animals from the zoo?
Well, did you also know it
was also filled with guards,
and that's why we couldn't
get this transmitter part
to the underground?
At least you're safe.
We'll have to
send you out again.
Carter, did you say "we"?
Yeah.
You went on the mission alone.
I know, but I
picked up a friend.
Who?
Come on out.
It's all right.
Carter, are you crazy?
What'd you bring him back for?
I just had to, Colonel.
He was so frightened
out there in the woods,
and he just ran over
and took hold of my hand
and wouldn't let go.
There were a lot of
frightened animals out there.
You're telling me.
You should have
seen the grizzly bear
that wanted to
come back with us.
He wasn't so easy to turn down.
I think it's a great idea
he brought him back, sir.
He'll make a marvelous mascot.
Are you crazy, too?
We can't keep a chimp in here.
Sir, I know all
about chimpanzees.
I traveled with a circus.
I roomed with the
Amazing Bloomingtons...
George and Freddy.
How does that
make you an expert?
Freddy was a chimp.
See that?
I wouldn't mind betting
his name's Freddy.
He probably thinks
you're a long-lost relative.
Charming.
Here you go, then, Freddy,
up on the bunk.
Hey, just a minute.
That's my bunk.
Oh, come on.
There's room for two of you.
You're both the same size.
You're the chimpanzee expert.
Let him sleep with you.
My pleasure, mate.
Hey, Freddy.
Come on over here.
This is my place.
Come on.
Nothing formal, mind you.
Sit down.
All right, everybody
stand by for roll call.
All present, Schultz.
Take my word for it.
I have my orders from
Commandant Klink himself.
There are 14 men
in this barracks.
I would like to see 14 faces.
All right, be our guest.
One, two, three,
four, five, six...
seven, eight,
nine, ten, eleven...
Please, Colonel Hogan, tell
me I didn't see what I just saw.
Colonel Hogan...
Colonel Hogan, please tell me
it is LeBeau who
is holding my hand.
Come here, Freddy. Come here.
Come here, buddy.
Oh, no!
This time you went too far.
Oh, this, I have to report.
It would be worth my life.
How did he get in here?
Well, he climbed over the fence
to get away from the hunters.
Wouldn't you if
you were a chimp?
How can you ask a hippopotamus
to think like a chimp?
You want me to believe
he went over the fence?
Why don't you ask him?
Remember, Freddy, just
name, rank and serial number.
I'm going to ask the
questions, if you don't mind.
Now, you, come here.
Now, you tell me...
Oh, no, that's too much.
Oh, I have to tell this
one to the commandant.
Schultz...
look at that little face.
You can't turn him out
among all those wild animals.
Look at him.
Yeah, we could use a
fresh face in the barracks.
He's so funny.
All right, I shall do this.
But this time, I see nothing.
Thanks, Schultz.
Thanks, Schultz.
But don't let the
commandant see the monkey.
Monkey, Schultz?
Freddy is a chimpanzee.
He's very sensitive about that.
Oh, I'm sorry, Freddy.
I'm going to bring
him a knockwurst.
Colonel, they've probably
pulled those guards back.
Shall I go out again?
Naw, if they had, Schultz
would have mentioned it.
Well, we better try
something, Colonel.
London says the
underground needs that part
for their transmitter
desperately.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Well, I haven't
thought of anything.
Have you, Freddy?
It's a shame the
Germans don't have
a big game hunter
like my cousin Emile.
Did he ever hunt in Africa?
Yes.
He told me that one day,
with one shot, he brought down
the largest bull
elephant in the Congo.
Wow.
The natives called him
"the king of the bull."
Wait a minute.
The Germans don't
have a big game hunter.
Suppose we gave them one.
What good would that do?
While our big game
hunter is helping the guards,
he can also make contact
with the underground.
Hey, that's a smashing
idea, but who have we got?
The bull king's cousin.
So, Corporal LeBeau is
really a big game hunter?
That's right, sir.
In one day alone, he
shot enough elephants
for six baby grands,
two uprights and a spinet.
Hogan, my men are perfectly able
to handle the
situation themselves.
Just wanted to offer
a helping hand, sir.
That's very considerate of you,
but these are well-trained
German soldiers.
Mm-hmm.
If we can defeat
the Russian bear,
we certainly can
defeat African lions.
Have you heard the score
from Stalingrad lately?
Bears: 30; Germans: nothing.
Hogan...
Take my word for it, Commandant,
the lions are going
to shut you out, too.
So the cockroach is
really a big game hunter?
That's right.
But why would a Frenchman
volunteer to help Germans?
He wants to get
out of the barracks,
get a little fresh air.
That the only reason?
No.
After those animals
finish gorging themselves
on your guards,
they may come in
here for seconds.
Hogan, it is against regulations
to give a gun to a prisoner.
Oh, come on, Commandant.
You're a good officer.
You know that sometimes
you have to throw away the book.
Never!
A good German officer
always sticks by the book.
Just how good a shot is LeBeau?
I assure you, Commandant,
I am a fabulous shot.
You have nothing
to worry about, sir.
They'll take care
of the wild animals.
What do you mean, "they"?
I thought you said
LeBeau was the hunter.
He's my gun bearer.
Gun bearer?
That's right.
You don't send a
bwana out alone.
Bwana?
That's Swahili for "I can get a
leopard skin for you wholesale."
It loses a little
in the translation.
Oh, my wife would
like to have a fur coat.
Take Schultz's order.
How about a nice
grizzly bear skin?
On her, it would
look like a stole.
How about...
How about just shutting up?
LeBeau, are you
sure this is not a trick?
If you have any doubts
about my marksmanship, sir,
I would be glad to
demonstrate for you.
Mm-hmm, that's a good idea.
Check the gun, bearer.
Everything is in order, bwana.
Thank you.
See that box?
Mm-hmm.
That's a charging rhinoceros.
Bwana, that pail
down there is a leopard!
Bwana, there's a
big bull elephant
coming by that sign!
Guards!
Guards!
It's all right, Herr General,
it's all right.
It's all right?!
This prisoner has a gun.
You don't understand, sir...
He is a bwana.
He's a what?
He's a bwana.
Klink, you Dummkopf.
What is the meaning of all this?
Corporal LeBeau is
going out to help my guards
hunt down the animals
that escaped from the zoo.
You are sending out
this man, a prisoner?
Out there alone with a gun?!
Oh, no, sir.
He is his gun bearer.
I want to see you
in your office immediately.
Yes, sir.
Why do I have to listen to you?
Gun bearer...
Hey, what happened?
Burkhalter showed up
and killed the whole plan.
If anybody comes up with an idea
how we get in touch
with the underground,
I'll be in my office.
Boy Howdy,
Burkhalter was so mad,
I think he's going to
throw Klink to the lions.
Well, maybe one of us
will just take his chances.
With all those guards
roaming the woods,
it would be a million to one.
Yeah, Kinch is right.
If one of us gets spotted
with that radio part
near the underground,
you got a very good chance
they might uncover
the transmitter.
Newkirk!
Now you've gone too far!
How about that?
Newkirk, you're kidding.
Where'd you get
Freddy that outfit?
I just took one of
LeBeau's old fatigue suits.
Lengthened the trousers a bit,
it was perfect.
Don't be so funny.
Didn't know you were
that sensitive, LeBeau.
I am not sensitive
about my height,
but I don't like it that
Freddy outranks me.
All right, all right.
We should be thinking
about the mission.
I taught him to
do a lot of tricks.
Watch now.
Freddy, that's enough sweeping.
What about making
up the Colonel's bunk?
That's marvelous.
Hey, that's enough of that.
Now, what about
putting the water on
for the coffee?
We'll call you when the
coffee is ready, Colonel.
You did a fine job!
Very good, Freddy, now.
You know, I've got a great idea.
I'm going to send Freddy
out through the tunnel,
bring in a couple of his
chums and we got it made.
We'll be the only
prisoners of war
with free live-in help.
Yeah, but if we're going to
keep Freddy as a mascot,
you better not have him
working around the barracks here,
because Klink's
bound to see him.
Yeah, Carter is right.
Klink would have Freddy
taken back to the zoo like a shot.
Newkirk, you better take
Freddy down to the radio room
until things cool off.
Right, sir.
I might even teach him
how to work the radio,
which would leave you available
for other duties, Kinch.
You know, hold it, hold it.
Newkirk, wait a minute.
Yes, sir?
It might be better
if Klink did see Freddy.
But Klink would send
him back to the zoo.
That's right... Sergeant
Schultz could be his escort.
But then we'd lose our mascot.
We might lose a mascot,
but the underground might gain
a transmitter part.
Colonel Hogan...
you know all the prisoners
are restricted
to their quarters.
I just can't stay away from you.
The Kaiser in?
He's on the telephone
with General Burkhalter.
Planning the winter
campaign for the eastern front?
I think the general may
send Colonel Klink there
if he doesn't do something
about those wild animals.
The whole town is complaining.
I'd better go in and
brighten up his day.
Yes, General Burkhalter,
I will do my utmost
to round up those
animals from the zoo.
But you see, it is the
fault of the zookeeper.
We've never had an escape
from my camp, only from the zoo.
What's that?
Transfer me to the zoo?
What a delightful sense of
humor, General Burkhalter.
Either you're not laughing
or we're having
a bad connection.
Yes, sir, it will all
be taken care of.
Heil Hitler.
Getting a little heat
from Burkhalter, sir?
What am I?
A zookeeper or the
head of a POW camp?
He just doesn't
understand my problems.
It's too easy for
him to give orders,
and he expects miracles.
General Burkhalter
is so... he's so...
German.
Exactly.
Hogan, please don't
cause any more trouble.
It's enough for one day.
Actually, I'm here to show
you we're helping you out, sir.
How is that?
Got the men to volunteer
to do some gardening
around the camp.
Gardening?
Your men are
restricted to the barracks.
That's right... Thought
it would look nice
if we planted some daisies,
forget-me-nots and buttercups
around the camp.
I was not aware
that you were
such a nature lover.
Mm-hmm, we think it'll, uh...
it'll go a lot easier
for you, sir...
You should be prepared.
Prepared for what?
For the liberation.
When the Allies
march in the front gate,
it'll go a lot easier for you
if you're standing there
with a bouquet of pansies.
I'm not interested in your men
doing any gardening.
Believe me, it'll make the place
look real great, sir.
Here, just have a look.
Just order your men
back to the barracks.
Aw, look, it's good for morale.
Look how happy
they are out there
digging and raking and...
Hogan, really, I...
Look.
Something the matter, sir?
I'm going to have to ask
for two weeks at a rest camp.
Really?
It's no use kidding
myself, Hogan,
but the pressure of being
number one is beginning to tell.
It is?
You won't believe this,
but, uh... when I looked
out the window, I...
I can't even tell you.
Go ahead, try me.
You sure you won't laugh?
You have my word.
When I looked out that window,
I thought I saw a chimpanzee
raking in the garden.
Well, if it'll make
you feel better, sir,
there is a chimpanzee
raking in the garden.
That's what I thought.
Well, I need a rest.
What?!
Yeah, he's the
sergeant with the stripes.
His name is Freddy.
Bring that man in here!
Really, Colonel,
he's our mascot.
Hogan, there is nothing
in the Geneva Convention
that says that you
can have a mascot.
Well, it's not our fault, sir.
He came wandering
into camp from the zoo
and we just sort of
took him in the outfit.
Hogan, do you realize
what General
Burkhalter would say
if he saw a chimpanzee
working in the garden?
It's a lot better
than if he saw him lying
in the sack goldbricking.
Well, I'm grateful that a lion
didn't walk into your barracks.
Him I would let goldbrick.
You wanted to see us, sir?
Yes.
Attention!
Colonel, before you send
Freddy back to the zoo,
I'd like to plead his case.
Hogan, not another
word out of you.
But if he was in the
Hammelburg Zoo,
he's a German.
You might say he's
a civilian employee.
Well, then he should be shot
for fraternizing
with the prisoners.
How do we know
he isn't a spy, sir?
Good point.
He does look a lot
like some of the
Gestapo guys I've seen.
Hogan, I will not be diverted.
He goes back to the
zoo, and that's final.
Freddy, you may
not believe this,
but this is the
first case I've lost.
Hogan! All right.
When do you want
Schultz to take him back?
- Immediately.
- Uh, Colonel?
Would it be possible
just to have few
minutes so that...
Freddy could say
good-bye to his buddies?
That's the least you can do, sir
All right, say good-bye,
but make it brief.
It'll be brief.
Pretty tough to talk
when you're all choked up.
Calling Royal Navy 371.
This is Stalag 13.
Royal Navy 371 to Stalag 13.
Come in.
I have a message for London
with some instructions
that have to be relayed
to the underground.
Righto, Colonel.
I'll contact London to stand by.
Colonel Wembley, we're
getting some instructions
for the underground
from Stalag 13.
Well, that must mean
they haven't delivered
that transmitter part yet.
I've sewn the part
in his pocket, sir.
Take him upstairs
and stand by for
Schultz to come.
Right, sir. Come on, Freddy.
Royal Navy 371 to Stalag 13,
we have London standing by.
What are your instructions?
Tell London to inform
the underground
the pickup point
for the radio part
is the Hammelburg Zoo.
Your instructions are to
inform the underground
that the pickup
of the spare part
will be at the Hammelburg zoo.
At the zoo?
Well, that could
be quite dangerous.
Ask them why they insist
on a rendezvous at the zoo.
Colonel Hogan,
London wants to know
why you insist on the zoo
for the rendezvous point.
Because our courier
is a chimpanzee.
We've had some
transmission problem.
Would you repeat that message?
Repeat: Our courier
is a chimpanzee.
Chimpanzee?
Chimpanzee?
Chimpanzee?
I thought we weren't giving
our messages in code, sir.
Perhaps Hogan
has forgotten that.
Would you look up "chimpanzee"
in the code book, Sergeant?
"Chimpanzee" is
not part of code, sir.
I have no idea
what the message is at all.
The chimpanzee will be wearing
a fatigue uniform
with sergeant's stripes
and answers to
the name of Freddy.
I've heard of Yankee ingenuity,
but this is ridiculous.
I was going to make him
a sports jacket, you know.
LeBEAU: You didn't
find the material?
Well, I couldn't
find anything right.
Do you what I mean?
I think he looks
better like this.
You really do?
I think it's great.
Hey, let me take
a look at you, then.
You're right handsome, you are.
What took so long, Colonel?
Did you have any trouble
with the transmission?
No, but it wasn't easy
convincing London
that the man we're
sending out is a chimp.
All right, all right.
Here's Schultz.
He's all set, Schultz.
What is he doing
in that uniform?
You can't take away his suit.
He's grown awfully
fond of it, Schultz.
Yeah, you can't take
that away from him.
It gets pretty cold in a cage.
Yeah, you wouldn't
want anyone to see you
walking down the street with a
naked chimpanzee, would you?
All right, he can
keep his clothes on.
That's a good boy, Schultz.
You're okay.
Well, Freddy, my old mate,
this is it.
I hope we meet again.
LeBEAU: Au revoir, mon pote.
Bye, Freddy, good luck.
Freddy...
you're one of the
great chimps of all time.
I feel terrible taking him away.
Maybe we could say he ran away
and you could hide him here.
No, no, no...
We don't want to
get you in trouble.
Now, you've got to do your duty.
Good-bye, Freddy.
Maybe you're right.
Come on, Freddy, come on.
You know, I'm going
to miss the little fellow.
He'll always be a
hero in my heart.
After the war, I think I'm going
to recommend Freddy for a medal.
Yeah, the Legion of Merit
with a peanut cluster.
Calling Royal Navy 371,
come in, please. Over.
Stalag 13, we've got a
message from London for you.
Royal Navy 371,
congratulate Hogan
and his chaps.
We've just had word
from the underground
that they got that part
for their transmitter
from Sergeant Freddy.
The raid will take
place as scheduled.
Pity we couldn't use
the little fellow again.
He's one of the most
reliable couriers we've had yet.
Thank you, Royal Navy 371.
Over and out.
Hey, Newkirk,
where are you going?
I thought I'd go up
and take a look
around the woods.
You know, make sure
all the guards have left.
Oh, Schultz said they've
captured all the animals
and the guards are back.
You know old Schultz.
I just thought I'd, you know,
like to take a look
around meself.
That's a very
good idea, Newkirk.
Go right ahead.
Right, sir.
Give my regards to Freddy, huh?
Will do, sir.