Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 28 - The Ultimate Weapon - full transcript
Hogan makes the Germans think that Schultz has ESP to get them to move their anti-aircraft defenses.
Prisoners of Stalag 13, you
see before you fresh evidence
of the invincibility
of the Luftwaffe
and the great genius of
German military tactics.
Now, these four men
are the lucky ones
from the latest American raid
on the ball bearing
factories at Zuglitz.
Once again, our fighters
have swept the air clean.
Once again, the superiority
of our men and machines
has been asserted.
Hear, hear!
Silence!
And if there are any
more raids on Zuglitz,
the war will soon be over.
Any questions?
Colonel.
Yes, Hogan.
What happened
last night at Cologne?
Dismissed.
Schultz.
Take these men to the barracks.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Well, you really gave
it to him good, Colonel.
Yeah, right in
the old pomposity.
Yeah, but he's right.
Zuglitz is a graveyard for us.
Too strong... too
many fighter planes.
Hey, Colonel,
why don't we do
something about it?
Carter...
I think we will.
Colonel Hogan, Herr Kommandant.
Hmm.
I'm sorry if I said
anything wrong, sir...
out in the compound
about Cologne.
I was not listening.
Sir, I was impressed
by your little talk
about the genius of
German military tactics.
Is that something
you're all born with, sir,
or is it the training?
Well, I would say half and half.
Wow... and we're
bucking all that.
You know your situation,
of course, is hopeless.
It's a good thing we
got the Russians with us.
Dismissed, Hogan.
Yes, sir.
That's the eastern
front, isn't it, sir?
How's it going?
Quiet well, thank you.
Dismissed.
Hmm.
Looks like a bulge in
your lines here at Kiev.
I'm strictly air
force myself, sir,
but couldn't that be trouble?
As you said, you have
not the background for it.
You see, we are merely
moving our troops back
to pull the
Russians into a trap.
And I'm just waiting
for Radio Berlin
to announce that the
trap has been sprung.
Snap.
You know, I never
would've thought of that.
Now, first, we hit them
with the Stukas, so...
Then in come the
Panzers... crash.
And then all the
ground troops... smash.
Oh-ho!
Mm-hmm.
We'll hear all about
it on the 6:00 news.
Or will we?
Hmm?
What happened to that?
I don't mean to knock
your ally, Commandant,
but these Japanese radios...
You touched it?
Don't worry about a thing, sir.
Sergeant Kinchloe is a
wizard at these sort of things.
I'll have it back
in no time at all
for you to hear the smash-crash.
But it worked perfectly
before you came in here.
Lucky I stopped by.
Get the radio fixed?
Uh, just about, Colonel.
Of course, I'll still
have some work to do
in Klink's office.
All right, hurry it up.
I don't get it.
Are we going to
hook up the radio
and the communications
room in our tunnel?
So far you're perfect, Carter.
And it only plays
what we send over it.
Are we going to do
our own newscasts?
No.
We listen to the
Berlin radio broadcast,
record it, and then 30
minutes later let Klink hear it.
Oh, now I understand.
Six o'clock news is in, sir.
Russians broke through at Kiev.
20-mile advance and the
Jerries are in full retreat.
Figures.
Here comes Schultz.
Don't forget to get his watch.
Candy from a baby, sir.
Colonel Hogan.
Where's Commandant
Klink's radio, Colonel Hogan?
Oh, blimey, Schultz.
What are you?
On another crash diet?
Skin and bone you are.
I have no time for small talk.
Right.
Colonel Hogan,
Commandant Klink is furious
that you did not
bring back the radio.
He missed his 6:00
news from Radio Berlin.
What's your hurry, Schultz?
It's 20 till six.
Ha!
You're too slow, Colonel Hogan.
The time is, look...
Look at what, Schultz?
I lost my watch.
Here it is, Schultzy.
Do be more careful.
Say thank you.
Thank... you.
Colonel Hogan, the
time is not 20 to 6:00,
but... 20 to 6:00.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't understand.
That's all right, Schultz.
Nobody's perfect.
LeBeau, go tell
Kinch to hurry up
with the commandant's radio.
He doesn't want to
miss the 6:00 newscast.
Right, Colonel.
Hey, Schultz, I'll
make you a bet.
I'll bet you don't even
need to listen to the news.
Just from experience you
can tell what's happened.
What's happened?
Well, like at the Russian
front, for instance.
Klink claims that the bulge
in your lines at Kiev is a trap.
What's your opinion?
Why should I have an opinion?
It's the military genius
of the German mind.
Right, fellows?
Yes, sir, right.
It's the size of
the head, you see.
It's a dead giveaway.
A man with a head this size
should, oh, be a
general at least.
Schultz?
Not only that,
but Schultz is genius enough
to know Klink has never
been right on anything.
So the Russians probably
made a 20-mile advance.
You know, when I came here,
the time was ten minutes
after six, and now...
The Russians... 20-mile advance.
The radio's fixed, Colonel.
Shall we go?
Oh, fine... I just can't wait
to see if Schultz is right.
Remember? 20-mile advance.
Now, you specifically said
that you would have
the radio back by 6:00.
Did you or did you not?
Of course I did,
and that's what it is...
Three minutes to six.
Ridiculous.
Schultz, tell him
what time it is.
Well, it is more like
two minutes to six.
What's the matter with you?
Fraulein Hilda!
What time is it?
Two minutes to six.
Pfft...
Now you are wrong.
Schultz, you are wrong.
And, Hogan, you are wrong.
All set.
Good.
I just simply don't
understand it.
You know, Commandant...
Schultz had an
interesting theory
about what might have
happened at Kiev today.
I did?
Schultz did?
You mean you don't
discuss strategy with Schultz?
Man has some keen insights.
Phenomenal.
He seems to feel
that the Russians
were going to break
through your lines today...
How many miles
did you say, Schultz?
Twenty?
That's absurd.
This was a carefully
set trap by our forces,
and I predict...
The set's waiting, Commandant.
Go.
This is the voice
of Radio Berlin.
It is 6:00.
Heavy fighting around Kiev
resulted in generally
successful tactical gains
for our gallant forces.
You see?
Wait.
Under heavy pressure
from the red hordes...
Formidable.
Bloody marvelous.
Result of which they were
able to completely stabilize
their new lines
some 20 miles closer
to the Thousand-Year Reich.
Unfortunately, losses in
Stuka bombers and infantry
were extremely heavy.
Turn it off.
Smash-crash.
I was right.
You're always right, Schultz.
What's going to happen tomorrow?
Well... hmm.
I would say...
Out!
Everybody out!
And you would say, Schultz,
from the depths
of your experience
and your extraordinary
military intuition,
that the Russians have
probably advanced today
beyond the old Polish border?
I would say, Colonel Hogan,
from the depths of my experience
and my truly extraordinary
military intuition... yes.
Amazing.
Incroyable.
The man's in
league with the devil.
If he hits it today,
that's seven in a row.
Well, Colonel Hogan,
shall we go and listen
to Radio Berlin telling you
what I have already told you?
We have another Napoleon,
right here in Stalag 13.
By shortening the German lines
to positions just west of Olsk,
inside the old Polish border,
this brilliant
strategic withdrawal,
accomplished only
by heroic sacrifice
is hailed by Wehrmacht
commanders as...
When they should be going
forward, they go backward.
Again, why?
It is really elementary.
No lecture, Schultz.
Better listen to
him, Commandant.
After all he's called the
turn every day this week.
Right on the button.
Blind luck... he knows nothing.
He's only a sergeant.
Hitler was a corporal.
Well...
it is my considered view,
that...
Your view of what?
Ah, General
Burkhalter, forgive me.
I didn't expect
you here until 6:30.
It is 6:40, Klink.
Oh, no, sir, it cannot be 6:40.
I was just listening
to Radio Berlin...
Klink!
Are you going to believe
me or Radio Berlin?
Is there any choice, sir?
Might have known
you'd be here, General.
Can't keep anything
from you, sir.
What are you
talking about, Hogan?
Sergeant Schultz.
We've uncovered
a military genius.
He can predict
what's going to happen
on any front and be 100% right.
Is that correct, Schultz?
I-I beg to report,
General Burkhalter,
it is substantially correct.
This thing might
have big implications,
don't you think, General?
Why are you so eager
to help the German
war effort, Hogan?
I'm a rat.
Klink, what has he predicted?
General Burkhalter,
let me tell you.
The Russian front...
A defeat everywhere.
What good is that?
If he could tell
what German cities
were to be bombed and when,
that would have some purpose.
Schultz?
German cities?
Yes.
What city will be hit tonight?
Tonight?
Sergeant Schultz likes to
think these things through...
Sleep on them.
Let him sleep sometime else.
What city?
Generally, General Burkhalter...
I wish to know
about tonight now!
What city?
I have my best thoughts
when I talk things over
with Colonel Hogan.
Another one of
your frauds, Klink?
General Burkhalter, please,
let me assure you...
Just pick any city, Schultz.
With your intuition,
you can't go wrong.
Any city?
Any city.
Well, for some reason...
I don't know why...
I always liked the name Hamburg.
Hamburg.
That's it for tonight.
He never misses.
This goes straight to
Allied headquarters, London.
Urgent for the RAF.
Right, Colonel.
Most of the squadrons
will be airborne.
We want them to
change their course.
Target for tonight: Hamburg.
Very urgent... Hamburg.
Got you.
Good.
Kind of a long way to go, sir,
just to make old
Schultzy look good.
But in the end,
it's going to make
Zuglitz look bad...
we hope.
So, if the new military genius
Sergeant Schultz is correct,
Hamburg must be under
heavy attack tonight,
and my good friend General
Schmidt much too busy to answer.
General Burkhalter.
Ein moment.
General Schmidt, sir.
Bungler.
Thank you.
My dear Schmidt,
Burkhalter here.
Forgive me for
bothering you at this hour,
but we have had some information
that you have been
under attack tonight.
All is quiet?
I'm so happy for you.
Sorry for the call,
and I wish you...
Do I hear a siren?
There are no
sirens here, Schmidt.
It must be...
Too busy to talk, sir?
They have dropped
a bomb on Schmidt.
Nobody listens.
I'm sending this man to
Berlin first thing in the morning.
Oh, I wouldn't do
that if I were you, sir.
Why not?
Well, I mean, I've
heard of similar cases.
They're unable to get results.
Once they get out of
a familiar environment,
uh... the magic goes.
You may be right.
Perhaps we should forget about
the whole thing, General Burkhalter.
Of course not, Klink.
Berlin will send someone
here to test him tomorrow.
Hear that, sir?
That's why this man's a general.
Anything we can do for
you, Sergeant Schultz?
Take you to your
quarters, perhaps,
for a good night's rest?
Thank you.
This will do nicely.
Sleep in my quarters?
Klink!
Did you know they were
going to bomb Hamburg?
General Burkhalter, I
can sleep anywhere...
In my office, on
my desk, anywhere.
Berlin has sent a
Colonel Hoffman
from the SS Sicherheitsdienst.
Just a few questions,
Sergeant Schultz,
and perhaps one more
of your predictions...
All routine, of course.
Of course.
And I might say at this time
that once again,
I am proud to say
that Stalag 13 has proven
a training ground for...
Colonel Hoffman.
Gentlemen.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
This would be Sergeant Schultz.
You are a colonel?
And who is this?
Colonel Hogan, senior
prisoner of war officer.
Would you like him to
leave, Colonel Hoffman?
No, he can stay.
Well, the target
for tonight is...
What would I say the target
for tonight is, Colonel Hogan?
You'll come up with it, Schultz.
Colonel Hoffman's in no hurry.
That's right, Colonel Hogan...
No hurry at all.
Colonel Hogan...
I have some very
effective after-shave lotion.
I discovered it while I
was making some TNT.
Carter, the colonel
can't have the woman
throwing herself at him
before dinner, can he?
Cut it with 50% water, sir?
Look, this isn't exactly
the girl next door.
She's a colonel in
the security police.
And I'd hate to think
how she got there.
All squared away
with the RAF, Colonel.
They're on their way
to Schultz' target for
tonight... Dusseldorf.
Good.
And tomorrow's
the trap, Colonel?
If the woman certifies
Schultz as a genius, yes.
And tonight, he predicts
a big raid against Berlin.
The ball bearing plant at
Zuglitz is just 75 miles away.
The Nazis pull all
of their fighter planes
out of Zuglitz to defend
Berlin, and that's it.
Crunch.
Colonel, protect yourself.
The woman is always
more deadly than the man,
but this one...
If I find myself wanting
to take her home
to introduce her to
the folks, I'll remember.
Yes.
Yes, I see.
Yes.
I have truly wonderful news.
Dusseldorf has been wiped out.
Oh, my...
Germany now possesses
the ultimate weapon...
Schultz!
To Sergeant Schultz.
To Sergeant Schultz.
To Dusseldorf.
Danke.
Today, Dusseldorf; tomorrow...
What did I say they're going to
hit tomorrow, Colonel Hogan?
Berlin.
Tomorrow, Berlin.
Flat as a pancake.
No, no, no, Schultz.
Now that we know where,
our fighters will be
ready and waiting...
All of them.
Of course, if Schultz is wrong,
other important targets
will be left undefended.
How could he be wrong?
Dusseldorf, Hamburg, the
Russian front... 100% correct.
A military genius.
I could not be more proud
of him if he were my own son,
which he practically
is, of course.
You will notify Berlin,
Colonel Hoffman?
Quite possible...
after I wind up one
or two loose ends
with Colonel Hogan.
Hogan?
I have observed
that the psychic communication
between Hogan and
Schultz is very close.
I must explore
the matter further...
alone.
Take a bottle
and do not hurry back.
But, uh... where is there
to go in a prison camp?
Ah, leave that to me,
General Burkhalter.
The moonlight... it's beautiful
on the laundry or the bakery.
Oh, unforgettable.
Today, Dusseldorf; tomorrow...
What's its name?
Flat as a pancake!
Well, Colonel Hogan...
How did you spot the,
um... psychic connection?
I think you have
many connections...
not all of them psychic.
Oh?
Such as?
Mere suspicion.
A police habit.
Sure.
What are you
reporting to Berlin?
That you're suspicious?
No, that I have found
a certified infallible genius.
Sergeant Schultz.
But you don't
really believe that.
In reporting to fools,
one must always say
what they want to hear.
Hitler has lost
control of the present.
It would be a great
comfort to know the future.
That's your only reason?
Give them what they want?
Not entirely.
In Klink's office today,
what did you think
when you first saw me?
What's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?
That's a long story that
may be over very soon.
What else did you think?
Your turn.
Of course.
I thought that I would very
much like to be in your arms.
And I knew that I would
have to make it happen... soon.
Who are you?
A woman who would like to be
something other than what I am.
Help me.
And the woman, Colonel...
She was putty in your hands?
Let's just forget it, huh?
Gentlemen don't discuss
these things, LeBeau.
I said forget it!
Sure, Colonel.
Look, she may be on
our side, just maybe.
Did you know she was leaving?
No, I didn't know.
Too bad, you will
miss our celebration.
Tonight, Sergeant Schultz,
the ultimate
weapon, strikes back.
Oh, Colonel Hogan...
step in for a moment.
I have a message for you.
Do as the colonel says, Hogan.
Why didn't you tell me
last night you were leaving?
I just found out this morning.
But it's only for overnight.
I'll be back.
Where are you going?
Zuglitz.
Zuglitz?
Some security matter
at the ball bearing plant.
Until tomorrow, then?
Yeah, until tomorrow.
Where's she going, Colonel?
Zuglitz.
Zuglitz?
And you didn't stop her?
I wasn't that
sure, so I didn't try.
To the ultimate
weapon, my son Schultz.
To the speedy victory
of the Third Reich.
To Dusseldorf!
No, no, no, Schultz.
Dusseldorf was not a victory.
Berlin will be a victory.
To Berlin!
Flat as a pancake!
Schultz!
Berlin?
I hope so.
Colonel Klink's quarters.
Berlin calling, sir.
Ah! Good news.
Burkhalter here.
What's the news,
General Sietenbaum?
How many Allied
barbarians were shot down
by the ultimate weapon?
None?
That's not a very good number.
But what happened?
They hit Zuglitz instead?
Flat as a pancake.
I was right again.
Yes, General Sietenbaum.
Yes.
Yes, I will await
with great interest
the disposition of my case.
Thank you, General Sietenbaum.
Bad news?
Klink!
You got me into this!
It is all your fault!
But, General Burkhalter,
I made quite clear
that this man was an idiot,
always has been an idiot...
Today, Berlin;
tomorrow, the world.
Flat as a pancake.
Turn it off, Kinch.
Right.
Well, I guess that takes
care of the mission.
Yeah.
Sure does, all right.
Maybe she was in an
air raid shelter, Colonel.
Maybe.
You had no choice.
Sure.
Put that away.
My congratulations.
You didn't go?
I never intended to go.
I was suspicious,
so I was testing you.
Then you weren't
exactly on our side.
I was doing my job.
And what's your job right now?
I've recommended a disaster.
My superiors are looking for me.
They are not
tolerant of disasters.
You've got a problem.
A man who could arrange
the bombing of Zuglitz
should be able to get
me out of Germany.
This another trap?
I get out or I die...
very unpleasantly.
We'll get you out.
Thank you.
Hogan...
why did you let me go?
I was doing my job.
Hogan, I just
don't understand it.
Why do these terrible things
keep happening to Germany?
Just when it seemed that we had
the ultimate weapon... disaster.
Look at this way, Commandant:
Nothing happened to you.
The Gestapo blamed
everything on Colonel Hoffman.
I think she was a double agent.
I never trusted her.
I think, Herr Kommandant,
I should have been
given another chance.
After all, even
genius is not perfect.
No.
Why do these terrible
things happen to us, Hogan?
Why?
Why not?
I believe, Herr Kommandant,
that out of every disaster,
some good things
come, if you look for them.
What are you talking
about, Schultz?
For instance, Herr Kommandant,
I did not realize
that you considered
me like your own son.
Oh, what a joyful surprise.
What's losing a
ball bearing plant
alongside of gaining a son?
And I will continue,
Herr Kommandant,
in every way, to live up
to your love and to your...
Schultz!
Terrible things are
happening to us.
Why?
see before you fresh evidence
of the invincibility
of the Luftwaffe
and the great genius of
German military tactics.
Now, these four men
are the lucky ones
from the latest American raid
on the ball bearing
factories at Zuglitz.
Once again, our fighters
have swept the air clean.
Once again, the superiority
of our men and machines
has been asserted.
Hear, hear!
Silence!
And if there are any
more raids on Zuglitz,
the war will soon be over.
Any questions?
Colonel.
Yes, Hogan.
What happened
last night at Cologne?
Dismissed.
Schultz.
Take these men to the barracks.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Well, you really gave
it to him good, Colonel.
Yeah, right in
the old pomposity.
Yeah, but he's right.
Zuglitz is a graveyard for us.
Too strong... too
many fighter planes.
Hey, Colonel,
why don't we do
something about it?
Carter...
I think we will.
Colonel Hogan, Herr Kommandant.
Hmm.
I'm sorry if I said
anything wrong, sir...
out in the compound
about Cologne.
I was not listening.
Sir, I was impressed
by your little talk
about the genius of
German military tactics.
Is that something
you're all born with, sir,
or is it the training?
Well, I would say half and half.
Wow... and we're
bucking all that.
You know your situation,
of course, is hopeless.
It's a good thing we
got the Russians with us.
Dismissed, Hogan.
Yes, sir.
That's the eastern
front, isn't it, sir?
How's it going?
Quiet well, thank you.
Dismissed.
Hmm.
Looks like a bulge in
your lines here at Kiev.
I'm strictly air
force myself, sir,
but couldn't that be trouble?
As you said, you have
not the background for it.
You see, we are merely
moving our troops back
to pull the
Russians into a trap.
And I'm just waiting
for Radio Berlin
to announce that the
trap has been sprung.
Snap.
You know, I never
would've thought of that.
Now, first, we hit them
with the Stukas, so...
Then in come the
Panzers... crash.
And then all the
ground troops... smash.
Oh-ho!
Mm-hmm.
We'll hear all about
it on the 6:00 news.
Or will we?
Hmm?
What happened to that?
I don't mean to knock
your ally, Commandant,
but these Japanese radios...
You touched it?
Don't worry about a thing, sir.
Sergeant Kinchloe is a
wizard at these sort of things.
I'll have it back
in no time at all
for you to hear the smash-crash.
But it worked perfectly
before you came in here.
Lucky I stopped by.
Get the radio fixed?
Uh, just about, Colonel.
Of course, I'll still
have some work to do
in Klink's office.
All right, hurry it up.
I don't get it.
Are we going to
hook up the radio
and the communications
room in our tunnel?
So far you're perfect, Carter.
And it only plays
what we send over it.
Are we going to do
our own newscasts?
No.
We listen to the
Berlin radio broadcast,
record it, and then 30
minutes later let Klink hear it.
Oh, now I understand.
Six o'clock news is in, sir.
Russians broke through at Kiev.
20-mile advance and the
Jerries are in full retreat.
Figures.
Here comes Schultz.
Don't forget to get his watch.
Candy from a baby, sir.
Colonel Hogan.
Where's Commandant
Klink's radio, Colonel Hogan?
Oh, blimey, Schultz.
What are you?
On another crash diet?
Skin and bone you are.
I have no time for small talk.
Right.
Colonel Hogan,
Commandant Klink is furious
that you did not
bring back the radio.
He missed his 6:00
news from Radio Berlin.
What's your hurry, Schultz?
It's 20 till six.
Ha!
You're too slow, Colonel Hogan.
The time is, look...
Look at what, Schultz?
I lost my watch.
Here it is, Schultzy.
Do be more careful.
Say thank you.
Thank... you.
Colonel Hogan, the
time is not 20 to 6:00,
but... 20 to 6:00.
Yeah, exactly.
I don't understand.
That's all right, Schultz.
Nobody's perfect.
LeBeau, go tell
Kinch to hurry up
with the commandant's radio.
He doesn't want to
miss the 6:00 newscast.
Right, Colonel.
Hey, Schultz, I'll
make you a bet.
I'll bet you don't even
need to listen to the news.
Just from experience you
can tell what's happened.
What's happened?
Well, like at the Russian
front, for instance.
Klink claims that the bulge
in your lines at Kiev is a trap.
What's your opinion?
Why should I have an opinion?
It's the military genius
of the German mind.
Right, fellows?
Yes, sir, right.
It's the size of
the head, you see.
It's a dead giveaway.
A man with a head this size
should, oh, be a
general at least.
Schultz?
Not only that,
but Schultz is genius enough
to know Klink has never
been right on anything.
So the Russians probably
made a 20-mile advance.
You know, when I came here,
the time was ten minutes
after six, and now...
The Russians... 20-mile advance.
The radio's fixed, Colonel.
Shall we go?
Oh, fine... I just can't wait
to see if Schultz is right.
Remember? 20-mile advance.
Now, you specifically said
that you would have
the radio back by 6:00.
Did you or did you not?
Of course I did,
and that's what it is...
Three minutes to six.
Ridiculous.
Schultz, tell him
what time it is.
Well, it is more like
two minutes to six.
What's the matter with you?
Fraulein Hilda!
What time is it?
Two minutes to six.
Pfft...
Now you are wrong.
Schultz, you are wrong.
And, Hogan, you are wrong.
All set.
Good.
I just simply don't
understand it.
You know, Commandant...
Schultz had an
interesting theory
about what might have
happened at Kiev today.
I did?
Schultz did?
You mean you don't
discuss strategy with Schultz?
Man has some keen insights.
Phenomenal.
He seems to feel
that the Russians
were going to break
through your lines today...
How many miles
did you say, Schultz?
Twenty?
That's absurd.
This was a carefully
set trap by our forces,
and I predict...
The set's waiting, Commandant.
Go.
This is the voice
of Radio Berlin.
It is 6:00.
Heavy fighting around Kiev
resulted in generally
successful tactical gains
for our gallant forces.
You see?
Wait.
Under heavy pressure
from the red hordes...
Formidable.
Bloody marvelous.
Result of which they were
able to completely stabilize
their new lines
some 20 miles closer
to the Thousand-Year Reich.
Unfortunately, losses in
Stuka bombers and infantry
were extremely heavy.
Turn it off.
Smash-crash.
I was right.
You're always right, Schultz.
What's going to happen tomorrow?
Well... hmm.
I would say...
Out!
Everybody out!
And you would say, Schultz,
from the depths
of your experience
and your extraordinary
military intuition,
that the Russians have
probably advanced today
beyond the old Polish border?
I would say, Colonel Hogan,
from the depths of my experience
and my truly extraordinary
military intuition... yes.
Amazing.
Incroyable.
The man's in
league with the devil.
If he hits it today,
that's seven in a row.
Well, Colonel Hogan,
shall we go and listen
to Radio Berlin telling you
what I have already told you?
We have another Napoleon,
right here in Stalag 13.
By shortening the German lines
to positions just west of Olsk,
inside the old Polish border,
this brilliant
strategic withdrawal,
accomplished only
by heroic sacrifice
is hailed by Wehrmacht
commanders as...
When they should be going
forward, they go backward.
Again, why?
It is really elementary.
No lecture, Schultz.
Better listen to
him, Commandant.
After all he's called the
turn every day this week.
Right on the button.
Blind luck... he knows nothing.
He's only a sergeant.
Hitler was a corporal.
Well...
it is my considered view,
that...
Your view of what?
Ah, General
Burkhalter, forgive me.
I didn't expect
you here until 6:30.
It is 6:40, Klink.
Oh, no, sir, it cannot be 6:40.
I was just listening
to Radio Berlin...
Klink!
Are you going to believe
me or Radio Berlin?
Is there any choice, sir?
Might have known
you'd be here, General.
Can't keep anything
from you, sir.
What are you
talking about, Hogan?
Sergeant Schultz.
We've uncovered
a military genius.
He can predict
what's going to happen
on any front and be 100% right.
Is that correct, Schultz?
I-I beg to report,
General Burkhalter,
it is substantially correct.
This thing might
have big implications,
don't you think, General?
Why are you so eager
to help the German
war effort, Hogan?
I'm a rat.
Klink, what has he predicted?
General Burkhalter,
let me tell you.
The Russian front...
A defeat everywhere.
What good is that?
If he could tell
what German cities
were to be bombed and when,
that would have some purpose.
Schultz?
German cities?
Yes.
What city will be hit tonight?
Tonight?
Sergeant Schultz likes to
think these things through...
Sleep on them.
Let him sleep sometime else.
What city?
Generally, General Burkhalter...
I wish to know
about tonight now!
What city?
I have my best thoughts
when I talk things over
with Colonel Hogan.
Another one of
your frauds, Klink?
General Burkhalter, please,
let me assure you...
Just pick any city, Schultz.
With your intuition,
you can't go wrong.
Any city?
Any city.
Well, for some reason...
I don't know why...
I always liked the name Hamburg.
Hamburg.
That's it for tonight.
He never misses.
This goes straight to
Allied headquarters, London.
Urgent for the RAF.
Right, Colonel.
Most of the squadrons
will be airborne.
We want them to
change their course.
Target for tonight: Hamburg.
Very urgent... Hamburg.
Got you.
Good.
Kind of a long way to go, sir,
just to make old
Schultzy look good.
But in the end,
it's going to make
Zuglitz look bad...
we hope.
So, if the new military genius
Sergeant Schultz is correct,
Hamburg must be under
heavy attack tonight,
and my good friend General
Schmidt much too busy to answer.
General Burkhalter.
Ein moment.
General Schmidt, sir.
Bungler.
Thank you.
My dear Schmidt,
Burkhalter here.
Forgive me for
bothering you at this hour,
but we have had some information
that you have been
under attack tonight.
All is quiet?
I'm so happy for you.
Sorry for the call,
and I wish you...
Do I hear a siren?
There are no
sirens here, Schmidt.
It must be...
Too busy to talk, sir?
They have dropped
a bomb on Schmidt.
Nobody listens.
I'm sending this man to
Berlin first thing in the morning.
Oh, I wouldn't do
that if I were you, sir.
Why not?
Well, I mean, I've
heard of similar cases.
They're unable to get results.
Once they get out of
a familiar environment,
uh... the magic goes.
You may be right.
Perhaps we should forget about
the whole thing, General Burkhalter.
Of course not, Klink.
Berlin will send someone
here to test him tomorrow.
Hear that, sir?
That's why this man's a general.
Anything we can do for
you, Sergeant Schultz?
Take you to your
quarters, perhaps,
for a good night's rest?
Thank you.
This will do nicely.
Sleep in my quarters?
Klink!
Did you know they were
going to bomb Hamburg?
General Burkhalter, I
can sleep anywhere...
In my office, on
my desk, anywhere.
Berlin has sent a
Colonel Hoffman
from the SS Sicherheitsdienst.
Just a few questions,
Sergeant Schultz,
and perhaps one more
of your predictions...
All routine, of course.
Of course.
And I might say at this time
that once again,
I am proud to say
that Stalag 13 has proven
a training ground for...
Colonel Hoffman.
Gentlemen.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
Heil Hitler.
This would be Sergeant Schultz.
You are a colonel?
And who is this?
Colonel Hogan, senior
prisoner of war officer.
Would you like him to
leave, Colonel Hoffman?
No, he can stay.
Well, the target
for tonight is...
What would I say the target
for tonight is, Colonel Hogan?
You'll come up with it, Schultz.
Colonel Hoffman's in no hurry.
That's right, Colonel Hogan...
No hurry at all.
Colonel Hogan...
I have some very
effective after-shave lotion.
I discovered it while I
was making some TNT.
Carter, the colonel
can't have the woman
throwing herself at him
before dinner, can he?
Cut it with 50% water, sir?
Look, this isn't exactly
the girl next door.
She's a colonel in
the security police.
And I'd hate to think
how she got there.
All squared away
with the RAF, Colonel.
They're on their way
to Schultz' target for
tonight... Dusseldorf.
Good.
And tomorrow's
the trap, Colonel?
If the woman certifies
Schultz as a genius, yes.
And tonight, he predicts
a big raid against Berlin.
The ball bearing plant at
Zuglitz is just 75 miles away.
The Nazis pull all
of their fighter planes
out of Zuglitz to defend
Berlin, and that's it.
Crunch.
Colonel, protect yourself.
The woman is always
more deadly than the man,
but this one...
If I find myself wanting
to take her home
to introduce her to
the folks, I'll remember.
Yes.
Yes, I see.
Yes.
I have truly wonderful news.
Dusseldorf has been wiped out.
Oh, my...
Germany now possesses
the ultimate weapon...
Schultz!
To Sergeant Schultz.
To Sergeant Schultz.
To Dusseldorf.
Danke.
Today, Dusseldorf; tomorrow...
What did I say they're going to
hit tomorrow, Colonel Hogan?
Berlin.
Tomorrow, Berlin.
Flat as a pancake.
No, no, no, Schultz.
Now that we know where,
our fighters will be
ready and waiting...
All of them.
Of course, if Schultz is wrong,
other important targets
will be left undefended.
How could he be wrong?
Dusseldorf, Hamburg, the
Russian front... 100% correct.
A military genius.
I could not be more proud
of him if he were my own son,
which he practically
is, of course.
You will notify Berlin,
Colonel Hoffman?
Quite possible...
after I wind up one
or two loose ends
with Colonel Hogan.
Hogan?
I have observed
that the psychic communication
between Hogan and
Schultz is very close.
I must explore
the matter further...
alone.
Take a bottle
and do not hurry back.
But, uh... where is there
to go in a prison camp?
Ah, leave that to me,
General Burkhalter.
The moonlight... it's beautiful
on the laundry or the bakery.
Oh, unforgettable.
Today, Dusseldorf; tomorrow...
What's its name?
Flat as a pancake!
Well, Colonel Hogan...
How did you spot the,
um... psychic connection?
I think you have
many connections...
not all of them psychic.
Oh?
Such as?
Mere suspicion.
A police habit.
Sure.
What are you
reporting to Berlin?
That you're suspicious?
No, that I have found
a certified infallible genius.
Sergeant Schultz.
But you don't
really believe that.
In reporting to fools,
one must always say
what they want to hear.
Hitler has lost
control of the present.
It would be a great
comfort to know the future.
That's your only reason?
Give them what they want?
Not entirely.
In Klink's office today,
what did you think
when you first saw me?
What's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?
That's a long story that
may be over very soon.
What else did you think?
Your turn.
Of course.
I thought that I would very
much like to be in your arms.
And I knew that I would
have to make it happen... soon.
Who are you?
A woman who would like to be
something other than what I am.
Help me.
And the woman, Colonel...
She was putty in your hands?
Let's just forget it, huh?
Gentlemen don't discuss
these things, LeBeau.
I said forget it!
Sure, Colonel.
Look, she may be on
our side, just maybe.
Did you know she was leaving?
No, I didn't know.
Too bad, you will
miss our celebration.
Tonight, Sergeant Schultz,
the ultimate
weapon, strikes back.
Oh, Colonel Hogan...
step in for a moment.
I have a message for you.
Do as the colonel says, Hogan.
Why didn't you tell me
last night you were leaving?
I just found out this morning.
But it's only for overnight.
I'll be back.
Where are you going?
Zuglitz.
Zuglitz?
Some security matter
at the ball bearing plant.
Until tomorrow, then?
Yeah, until tomorrow.
Where's she going, Colonel?
Zuglitz.
Zuglitz?
And you didn't stop her?
I wasn't that
sure, so I didn't try.
To the ultimate
weapon, my son Schultz.
To the speedy victory
of the Third Reich.
To Dusseldorf!
No, no, no, Schultz.
Dusseldorf was not a victory.
Berlin will be a victory.
To Berlin!
Flat as a pancake!
Schultz!
Berlin?
I hope so.
Colonel Klink's quarters.
Berlin calling, sir.
Ah! Good news.
Burkhalter here.
What's the news,
General Sietenbaum?
How many Allied
barbarians were shot down
by the ultimate weapon?
None?
That's not a very good number.
But what happened?
They hit Zuglitz instead?
Flat as a pancake.
I was right again.
Yes, General Sietenbaum.
Yes.
Yes, I will await
with great interest
the disposition of my case.
Thank you, General Sietenbaum.
Bad news?
Klink!
You got me into this!
It is all your fault!
But, General Burkhalter,
I made quite clear
that this man was an idiot,
always has been an idiot...
Today, Berlin;
tomorrow, the world.
Flat as a pancake.
Turn it off, Kinch.
Right.
Well, I guess that takes
care of the mission.
Yeah.
Sure does, all right.
Maybe she was in an
air raid shelter, Colonel.
Maybe.
You had no choice.
Sure.
Put that away.
My congratulations.
You didn't go?
I never intended to go.
I was suspicious,
so I was testing you.
Then you weren't
exactly on our side.
I was doing my job.
And what's your job right now?
I've recommended a disaster.
My superiors are looking for me.
They are not
tolerant of disasters.
You've got a problem.
A man who could arrange
the bombing of Zuglitz
should be able to get
me out of Germany.
This another trap?
I get out or I die...
very unpleasantly.
We'll get you out.
Thank you.
Hogan...
why did you let me go?
I was doing my job.
Hogan, I just
don't understand it.
Why do these terrible things
keep happening to Germany?
Just when it seemed that we had
the ultimate weapon... disaster.
Look at this way, Commandant:
Nothing happened to you.
The Gestapo blamed
everything on Colonel Hoffman.
I think she was a double agent.
I never trusted her.
I think, Herr Kommandant,
I should have been
given another chance.
After all, even
genius is not perfect.
No.
Why do these terrible
things happen to us, Hogan?
Why?
Why not?
I believe, Herr Kommandant,
that out of every disaster,
some good things
come, if you look for them.
What are you talking
about, Schultz?
For instance, Herr Kommandant,
I did not realize
that you considered
me like your own son.
Oh, what a joyful surprise.
What's losing a
ball bearing plant
alongside of gaining a son?
And I will continue,
Herr Kommandant,
in every way, to live up
to your love and to your...
Schultz!
Terrible things are
happening to us.
Why?