Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 27 - The Collector General - full transcript

Do you know the place, Colonel?

It's an old abandoned mine

a little over a mile
from here, isn't it?

That's it.

Hasn't been used in years.

Ten days ago,

a construction team
started working on it.

They put in a heavy steel door,

even built a sentry box.

Mm-hmm, with camouflage.

Mm-hmm.



Do you mind?

Uh, sorry, sir.

An abandoned mine in
the middle of nowhere...

Why?

They have been
fostered very carefully.

This could mean
something permanent.

What do you think, sir?

I think you're
breathing on my eagles.

I mean, any ideas, sir?

No, but you have.

Do you think you
could watch this for us?

We will do the best we can.

All right, let us know if
the Krauts make a move.

LeBeau?



Yes, sir.

You and Newkirk take Lisa out

through the emergency tunnel.

Oui, Colonel.

Good luck.

Thank you, Colonel.

Uh, Newkirk.

Uh, yes, sir.

Ease off, will you?

I can't help it, sir.

I'm in love.

You just met her an hour ago.

Suppose she'd been a
middle-aged, frumpy hausfrau.

Well, that would've
taken an extra 15 minutes.

We've got to end this war quick.

You're a menace.

Yes, sir.

Hello, a parade.

Did you see that, Colonel?

Klink seems surprised.

He doesn't get much
drop-in business,

especially with generals.

I'll see what I can
find out from Schultz.

Hold it!

Let's go about this
the businesslike way.

They go into their office;

we go into ours.

After you, gentlemen.

That will be all, Frau Helga.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

To the Fuhrer.

Ah, very good schnapps, Colonel.

Oh, yes, sir, excellent.

And may I say, sir,

it is indeed an
unexpected pleasure

to have you here.

Danke, danke.

Now, before we proceed,

I must be sure about your
security arrangements.

General Metzger,
I'm happy to say

that this is the most secure
of stalag in all of Germany.

You are as safe here

as you would be in
Berchtesgaden itself.

It's safe, or we can't send
him to the Russian front, right?

Right.

And it is absolutely top secret,

by the Fuhrer's orders.

The Fuhrer...!

Would you care for
another schnapps?

Nein.

No, no.

Oh, secrets can be so exciting.

Our beloved
commandant is a nut case.

It's embarrassing.

I may put in for a transfer.

I have been ordered

to see that supplies of
arms and ammunition

are hidden in strategic
areas all over Germany.

What? Hidden?

The first location is
an abandoned mine

about a mile and a
half from Stalag 13.

It is being converted
for that purpose.

Well, sir, I must say the Fuhrer

is certainly full of surprises.

Very intelligent surprises.

Yes, sir, very
intelligent surprises.

Now, that first load of weapons

is in that truck out there.

I will personally
supervise their storage

when the mine is ready.

General Metzger, if I
can be of any assistance...

I want a 24-hour guard
posted at that mine,

the men to be drawn
from your command.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

Stalag 13 is under strain.

I am acting for the Fuhrer.

Is "impossible" what
you really want to say?

Yes, sir, it is impossible
to say no to him.

That was just a little joke.

Indeed, yes.

The guard will be posted.

Very good.

Sir, let me ask you one thing.

Hiding guns all
over the country...

Could that mean we are possibly

in a little bit of trouble?

Trouble?

Do you mean is the
war going against us?

You said it; I didn't.

Merely a precaution.

You understand why
this must be kept secret.

If it got out,

it would have a serious
effect upon morale.

Not mine, sir.

Nothing can shake my confidence

in the ultimate victory
of the Third Reich.

You wouldn't care
for another schnapps?

Just a teeny one?

A truckload of guns
and ammunition.

If they have any detonator caps,

we're running short.

Hiding guns
around the country...

That's a loser's trick,

and they figure
themselves winners.

Doesn't make sense.

Doesn't add up.

Orders from
scrambled-brains Hitler.

Yeah, that's what
the Kraut general said.

Generals don't
handle jobs like this.

A major or a colonel maybe,

but not the guys
with the fruit salad.

They're either at
the Russian front

or in Berlin hiding
out at cocktail parties.

Could Metzger be lying?

I don't know,

but I'm going to find out.

Kinch, get on the
radio to London.

Find out what dope
they have on him.

Right away, Colonel.

Sir, why would
he tell Klink that...

Hold it right there.

Why would he
tell Klink anything?

If you had a big secret,

would you confide in a man

who wears a monocle
to bed every night?

Hi, Kinch.

Just coming to see you.

Likewise... the answer
from London on Metzger.

They sure keep
tabs on those guys.

"Early Party member,

"limited combat experience,

"second in command, German
occupation forces France,

"headquarters in Paris.

"Not seen three weeks this date.

Thought to be on
leave or reassigned."

Yeah, Hitler must have
recalled him for this job.

Maybe.

When you have a
secret project going,

you don't attract attention

by moving generals around.

Colonel, we know
they fixed up the mine.

We heard Metzger
give Klink the rundown.

I mean, you're a little hung up

on this thing, aren't you?

I can't help it, Kinch.

My instinct tells
me not to buy it.

Well, just what will
your instinct buy?

A look inside that truck.

Come on, mach schnell.

Oh, take it easy, Schultz.

We're not going any place.

I am...

To bed as soon as possible.

There was a big party
in the sergeants' mess.

Oh...

I ate too much.

Maybe you got
apple-strudel hangover.

A jolly joke.

Hey, how do you
expect us to clean

if you're going to sit there?

Clean around me.

Are you kidding?

A detour like that
could take all day.

Another jolly joke.

Schultz?

Schultz?

Hey, what... what's going on?

Oh, I'm mopping up
the water from the wall.

Yeah, there must
be a hole in the roof.

The water's draining
down behind the wall.

Yeah, from the
snow when it melts.

How come I didn't see it?

You were too busy sleeping.

You better report it, Schultz.

Please don't tell me what to do.

I don't tell you how
to be a prisoner of war.

We'd be glad to
have any suggestions.

Sure, as long as
they're constructive.

Shut up and go back to work.

I think that's constructive.

Come in, come in.

Sergeant Carter, sir.

Can we start the job now?

What job?

Stop pushing, Louis.

I mean, the hammering
won't bother you?

What job?!

Fixing the hole in your roof.

You got a bad leak up there.

Didn't Sergeant
Schultz report it?

I gave no such orders.

He doesn't want it fixed.

Start pulling, Louis.

Wait! Wait! I didn't say that.

Stop pulling, Louis.

He changed his mind.

Wait! Wait!

You may proceed. Proceed.

Stop pushing, Louis.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Thank you. Yes, sir.

Get right on it,
sir. Excuse me, sir.

I'm sorry. Excuse me, sir.

Yes, sir.

What I have to
put up with for you.

Hi, Schultz.

Hi.

Hiya, Schultzy.

Hi.

Hi.

What?! What?! What?! What?!

What is this?!

We're fixing the roof.

Yeah, it's Commandant's orders.

We had to go over
your head for permission.

Yeah, you were asleep.

Why didn't you wake
me up and ask me?

Maybe next time.

If there is a next time.

Is it a promise?

Sure.

Why not?

All right, go ahead.

Help! Help!

LeBeau fell off the roof!

Help! Help!

What happened?

What happened?

He fell down from
all the way up there.

It's his ankle.

I think I'm going to faint.

Yes, I will faint.

You better get a
stretcher quick, Schultz.

J-J-J-Jawohl.

Not you!

You stay there at
the post, Dummkopf!

We better get him off
the ground, Colonel.

He may be in shock.

Good idea.

Halt! Verboten!

An emergency.

Verstehen Sie? Emergency.

Yeah, emergency... schnell.

All right, get him up in there.

All right, make it fast.

Watch it.

No.

Emergency, Herr Colonel?

Yeah, emergency.

See how fast they learn.

Alles in Ordnung,
Fritz, now get lost.

Okay, move.

Cover him.

Let's go.

How is he?

Uh, sleeping.

Uh, sleeping.

Verstehen? Sleeping.

It's the best thing
in the world for him.

Why are we knocking
our brains out?

All he understands
is "emergency."

Ja!

E-mer-gen-cy.

Gency, yeah.

Hey, Dummkopf!

I told you to stand on guard.

Go back to your post!

Where's the cockroach?

The colonel took him back
to the barracks, Schultz.

Afraid he'd catch cold.

Yeah, you'd better
get over there.

Oh, ja.

I didn't know it was
going to be formal.

Just lie down and be quiet.

Right.

How is he?

Oh, hi, Schultz.

I just bandaged his ankle.

He'll be all right.

Maybe we'd better
take him to the hospital.

No, no, no, no, no, Schultz.

Just let him rest.

Louis!

Wrong foot.

Ooh, he sounds terrible.

Yeah.

Oh, close one, huh, Schultz?

It's my responsibility.

If anything happens,

I could be in big trouble.

But he's fine.

Yeah, he's fine now.

Where you looking?

Over there.

Oh.

Colonel Hogan.

Colonel Hogan, I watched...

The Frenchman was...

And you were...

It's fairly possible he's
about to lay an egg.

You better have a cup
of coffee first, Schultz.

B-B-But...

Not guns and
ammunition, mon colonel.

That truck is loaded with art.

You're jo... Art?

Yes, art... paintings,
tapestries, silver, gold.

Voilà.

Snuff box?

Solid gold, mon colonel.

See the inscription?

"Presented to Le Duc
de Chalfont la Fage

"by His Royal Highness
Prince of Amalfi.

Paris, 1749."

That's worth thousands.

Museum piece, huh?

Right.

Here's our proof.

Ivory so old it's yellow.

Got to be 200 years.

See what it says:

"The collection of
Countess de Malmont."

Stolen from a museum.

Those animals!

Now it adds up.

Metzger's stationed in France.

In his spare time he's
collected these goodies.

Collected with a gun.

Right.

And when he's got a
million bucks' worth,

he brings them back to Germany.

Something to nibble
on after the war,

win, lose or draw.

Why the snow job about
guns and ammunition?

Yeah.

He's a general.

Only the big boys
can steal openly...

Hitler, Goering, Himmler.

Metzger's on the second team;

he's got to hide his loot,

otherwise they get jealous,

and jealousy leads
to firing squads.

We must take it away from them.

General Metzger
isn't going to like that.

Somebody's going to get hurt.

Like us.

Those are the national
treasures of France.

They can't steal
them, I won't allow it!

He won't allow it.

You're coming unstuck, mate.

You wouldn't talk like this

if the Krauts were
stealing from England.

Or America!

All right, all right.

Hold it.

Kinch, get on the radio
to the underground.

The girl, Lisa,
knows the mine area.

We'll need at least two men

that the Krauts have never seen.

Right.

I still say this job's
a bit out of our line.

Yeah, it sure is.

Do I have to repeat

the orders that were given to us

when this happy little
band of wandering minstrels

was formed?

Sir, all I'm trying to...

Okay, I will.

Quote:

"You'll assist
escaping prisoners,

"cooperate with
all friendly forces,

"and use every means

to harass and injure the enemy."

Unquote.

Does that mean
saving gold snuff boxes?

It does.

And 200-year-old ivory fans.

If the Krauts learn they
just can't take things,

that's injuring them in my book.

Vive le Colonel.

Vive le Colonel.

LeBeau?

Yes, sir.

Shut up.

We figure Metzger will
take off in his car for Berlin

as soon as they've finished
unloading at the mine.

The empty truck
will go on its own.

Take this road right here.

Karl, you and Walter have
got to stop the truck right there.

Now, there's a guard

and a driver, Colonel.

Yeah, a problem.

All right, Karl,
you'll be an officer.

A captain.

Walter will be a private.

You take the truck

and you order the driver and
the guard back to their base.

I'll need measurements
for the uniforms, sir.

Right.

Now, London has agreed to
give us a fake commando raid.

They're going to drop dummies
in the area right about here.

That should keep
the sentries busy.

Carter?

Yes, sir.

We're going to need
some demolition packs

to blast open that mine

and some smoke bombs.

Yes, sir.

I can give you impact,
or delayed action,

or a mixture of both.

Now, personally, I prefer...

Just smoke bombs, Carter.

Yes, sir.

I'll fix up a very
nice assortment.

Now let's go from the top.

Karl, you and Walter will
bring the truck back to the mine.

You order the
sentry into the woods.

We blast open the door

and we load that art
collection back on the truck.

Then you two take
off for Amsterdam.

London has given us

the address of a safe house.

That means crossing the border.

And check points on the way.

You'll be in uniform in a truck
assigned to General Metzger.

Kinch?

I need some orders for
them signed by the general.

Also some army paybooks,
requisition forms...

The complete works.

Got you.

Kinch does good work.

The papers will get you through.

Now, is it all clear?

Any questions?

Oui, Colonel.

What's the plan in case
something goes wrong?

Start running.

And don't look back...

Something may be gaining on us.

They're just leaving.

Okay, let's go.

Right on the button.

So far we're in business.

All right, Carter, take off.

Start the smoke and
get back to the mine fast.

On my way.

Let's go.

Klink speaking.

What?

Commandos?

At this hour?

Yes!

All available men
on a green alert.

No, never mind,
make that a red alert.

Halt!

Who goes there?

Captain Weber.

Any sign of commandos?

Commandos?

Uh, no, Herr Kapitan.

No, no, no, no commandos.

All right.

Fall in. Follow me.

Wait a minute, sir.

But I have orders to
stay on guard here.

Besides, there might be
some shooting going on.

I'm not interested in
your orders, Sergeant.

We need every man we can get.

Yeah, but the general...

I said fall in!

I'm falling, I'm falling.

After them! After them!

Schnell, schnell!

"Schnell, schnell."

Over there.

Fire.

Aah!

Return the fire!

Jawohl!

Shoot those trees.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant!

Keep firing, Sergeant!

Easy, Carter.

Wow, is she pretty.

She's more than that.

Get it on the truck.

Let's go.

Is that it?

Yeah.

We're all set, sir.

All right, good.

Karl, Walter, good luck.

Au revoir, Lisa.

Be careful, darling.

Married?

Afraid so, old chap.

I don't think I can
go on with this war.

Oh, come on, Newkirk.

Give us another chance.

Please?

Now, I want answers,
I shall have answers.

Why did you leave your post?

Herr Kommandant,
an officer came along

and ordered me to
attack the enemy.

But you had orders from me.

But he was an officer.

Dummkopf, so am I.

Congratulations, sir.

Silence... I'll deal
with you later.

Now, Schultz, put
yourself on report.

Dismissed, Schultz.

Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.

General Metzger has
just passed the outer gate.

Oh, no.

I guess I'll be running
along, Colonel.

You two probably
have a lot to talk about.

Hogan.

This is the end of a
brilliant military career.

Anybody we know, sir?

Not only a career, but my life.

Hmm. My choice is very simple:

the firing squad or
the hangman's noose.

How could a nice Nazi general do

a thing like that?

Hogan, you don't
seem to understand.

I was responsible for a
secret ammunition dump.

It's been stolen.

Toughest commandant in all of
Germany guarding ammunition?

That's ridiculous.

I'll remember that when
they put on the blindfold.

Stand up to him, Colonel.

After all, you're not a lackey

for every desk general
that comes along.

At Berchtesgaden
they still refer to you

as the "Bald
Eagle of Stalag 13."

The "Iron Eagle."

I'm sorry.

I say tell him off.

Hogan, maybe you're right.

After all, what have
you got to lose?

You can always fall
back on the firing squad.

Klink, I have just
come from that mine.

It is empty. Empty!

General Metzger, I assure
you this was an accident of war.

You are going to be
an accident of war,

and without a trial, Dummkopf!

Tell him off.

Sir...

may I remind you
that you are talking

to the Bald Eagle of Stalag 13?

"Iron Eagle."

Iron Eagle!

Klink, I want every
box and every crate

returned to that mine in 24
hours or you are a dead man!

Sir.

I assure you it was
the commandos.

I...

I want action.

I want it now. If I don't...

Hold it, General.

Easy, Colonel, don't
lose your temper.

Lose his temper?

I know him...

This is just the lull
before the storm.

Hogan, what are you...

Easy, Colonel, so far
you've shown great restraint.

We're very lucky.

I will have his head on a plate!

Don't push him too far.

Hogan...

There's no telling
what he'll do next.

Just before you came, he
was going to call the Fuhrer

and make a formal complaint.

I was?

General, you're
the senior officer.

Maybe you'd
rather call the Fuhrer

and tell him about
the stolen ammunition.

It, uh... was
ammunition, wasn't it?

There is no need
to disturb the Fuhrer

about a commando raid.

I will settle this
in my own way.

My compliments, sir.

You handled him beautifully.

I did?

Yes, I did.

No desk general
will ever threaten me.

If this gets around,

even the prisoners
will be proud of you.

You know, Hogan, there are times

when a man has to be strong.

I think I will call the Fuhrer

and make a formal complaint.

Oh, better think it over, sir.

Remember your temper.

Hogan?

Ah, General.

Pleasant surprise.

Hogan, um... about
that commando raid.

I saw those dummies
that were dropped.

Dummies? Really?

What won't they think of next?

That's a good
way to fight a war...

Nobody gets hurt.

Now, tell me, Hogan.

Do you have any idea of where I
might find that, uh, ammunition?

Yeah.

In a museum, after the war.

I'm going to order

a thorough investigation
of this matter, Hogan.

I don't think you will, General.

Oh, really?

And what makes you so sure?

When you steal from
a thief, one sure thing:

He'll never call the cops.

Good night, General.