Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 26 - How to Escape from Prison Camp Without Really Trying - full transcript
Hogan has trouble trying to get thirty prisoners out of camp.
Oh, Herr Brockman, I...
Oh, please, Fraulein,
not Herr Brockman.
Call me Horst.
Really, Horst, I think
I've had enough wine.
My face is getting
red as a beet.
Such a becoming color
for such a lovely face.
You artists really
have a way with words.
Mm-hmm.
It must be very exciting
being a foreign correspondent.
Very dangerous, too.
Not nearly as dangerous
as your brother's job.
Takes a real man
to be an SS officer.
His division's right in the
middle of the fighting, isn't it?
It was.
They've been pulled back
from the Russian front to...
The rest is a military
secret, I'm afraid.
Better we not
talk about it, then.
You never know who
might be listening.
I propose a toast.
To what are we toasting?
To your brother's division,
the glorious 12th SS.
Sixth SS.
To the glorious Sixth SS.
May their victories
at the Russian front
be equal to their
new victories in Sicily.
North Africa.
They're regrouping at Stuttgart,
then they're off for a surprise
counterattack at Tobruk.
It will be quite a surprise.
The Allies would never
expect such a move.
To a glorious victory.
Oh, gracious.
With such enchanting
company, I completely forgot.
I have to catch a
plane in a half an hour.
But Horst, couldn't
you take a later plane?
If only I could,
but I have an assignment
of the greatest urgency.
One more glass of
wine before you go?
Best I keep my head clear.
You know, I never did
get your name or address.
Audrey St. Laurence.
Special Operations
Intelligence, London, England.
Are you sure you wormed
enough information
out of me, Colonel Hogan?
Something must have happened.
Colonel Hogan's never
been this late before.
Yeah, it's almost
time for roll call.
He's here.
I could see him making his
way to the edge of the woods.
Schultz coming.
We got to stall him till
Colonel Hogan gets here.
Carter!
Achtung!
Achtung!
What did you say, Schultz?
I said "Achtung!"
Oh.
Your bid, Kinch.
Two of clubs.
When I say "Achtung,"
that means that you all
are to snap to attention.
Oh, is that what it means?
Huh.
I always thought it meant "Good
morning" or "Greetings, mates,"
something like that.
No.
No, "Achtung" is a command.
When I say "Achtung,"
I want you all to come
to attention at once.
I never was sure
what it meant myself.
It always sounded like Schultz
was just clearing his throat.
You say it's a command
for attention, huh?
That's right.
Now that you all know it...
Achtung!
And a good morning
to you, too, Schultz.
Didn't you hear
what Schultz said?
Sure.
He said "Achtung,"
so I said "Good
morning" right back to him.
"Achtung" doesn't
mean "Good morning."
Well, that's what
Newkirk says it means.
And who are we going to
believe, one of us or one of them?
He's got a point there.
Yes, he does.
You better brush up on
your German, Schultz.
Yeah, don't use words
you're not sure of.
In future, to avoid confusion,
why don't you just say
"Good morning" in English.
It wasn't...
Hi, Schultz.
Let us know when it's
time for roll call, will you?
Jawohl, Colonel.
But it is time for roll call!
That's why I'm here
in the first place.
It's almost past
time for roll call.
Boy, you'd never make
sergeant in our air force.
Roll call!
Everybody out,
out, out, out, out.
Roll call!
Raus.
Thank you, and a "Good
day" to you, too, Schultz.
And while I'm on leave,
Colonel Krueger will be
in charge of Stalag 13.
Now let me leave
you with this warning:
while the cat's away,
the mice better not play.
And I will personally deal with
any mouse play around here.
You can depend on my
men to conduct themselves
as they always have, sir.
Colonel Hogan, I will
hold you responsible.
Sergeant Schultz,
dismiss the men.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Achtung.
Now, uh, uh, uh...
I mean, good morning.
I mean... attention.
Colonel Krueger looks
like a lot of
laughs, doesn't he?
Oh, yeah, he's a
regular Huckleberry Finn.
Colonel Hogan, will you
do me a small favor, please?
Sure, Schultz; what is it?
Will you tell your
men not to leave
until I say,
"Prisoners dismissed."
I mean, please, not everybody,
but enough to make me look good.
Well, I don't mind hanging
around when the weather's nice,
but a man could take a nasty
chill on a morning like this.
I think it was pretty
decent of us to stick around
for Colonel Klink's
farewell address.
I believe my men's health
comes before your
personal glory, Schultz.
But Colonel Hogan, I do not
want to make a bad impression
on the new Kommandant.
From the looks of him,
that's the only kind anybody's
going to make on him.
That's not very
nice of you, LeBeau.
Hey.
The colonel and the
Gestapo act like old buddies.
What's up, Schultz?
Are you asking me?
Haven't you learned
that I know nothing,
I see nothing and
I hear nothing?
Morning, gentlemen.
Allow me to, uh...
Hogan, this is a
private conversation.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Just wanted to pay my respects
to Colonel Krueger here.
Military courtesy, you know.
Very good of you, Colonel.
You'll find that I'm
more than willing to...
Hogan, this is a
private conversation.
No one can hear
what I'm saying, sir.
This is a private conversation
between Colonel Krueger,
Colonel Nikolas and myself.
Oh, of course, that's
what you said before.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, I
didn't mean to interrupt.
That's what you said before
and all you've done
is interrupt ever since.
Before I leave, I
have a few things
to discuss with Colonel
Krueger... personal matters.
You're welcome to
use the officer's mess
if you'd like, sir.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I think you'll find it
much more convenient
and more privacy
in Colonel Klink's office.
We don't want to
inconvenience the Kommandant.
Well, you see, I have
a lot of work to do and...
It's no inconvenience at all.
Anything for the
Gestapo, right, Colonel?
Of course I can
always do my work later.
That's most kind
of you, Colonel.
That's nothing.
Glad to do it.
I was addressing the Kommandant.
Hogan!
Try to be nice.
That will be all, Fraulein.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And one more thing...
Would you make sure
that we are not disturbed?
Jawohl.
You know, Walter, in one week,
Stalag 13 will not look
like the same place.
Except for the Fraulein, I hope.
Now if we can only
convince the High Command
to let the military
fight the war,
let us run the prison camps.
When they see the changes
here, they will be convinced.
So that's what they're up to.
A Gestapo takeover.
Kinch.
Yeah.
Did you radio London
about that surprise attack
the Sixth SS is planning?
Not yet, Colonel...
Too much interference.
The Germans must be jamming.
I like the idea of cutting
food rations in half,
and confiscating their
Red Cross packages
as spoils of war
is really brilliant.
We must think of our
own people, Walter.
They would pay us
anything on the black market
for those packages.
Ah.
I guess we heard enough.
I wish I hadn't heard any of it.
Those two are going to make
a jail out of this prison camp.
Keep trying to get
through to London, Kinch.
With the Gestapo here,
we may have to go off the air
on very short notice.
Right, Colonel.
We've got to keep Klink here.
We can kill this whole thing
if we can get him
to cancel his leave.
Cancel a two-week leave?
No one in his right mind...
You may have a chance at that.
Herr Kommandant, you're
packed and ready to go.
Thank you, Schultz.
Ah, the mountain air will
be beautiful this time of year.
I cannot wait to
get up to the lodge.
Let me see...
The train trip will
take about nine hours.
Would it be not
much quicker to fly?
It takes only an
hour by airplane.
No, Schultz.
Then you miss the
beautiful scenery.
Besides, I enjoy trains.
You would enjoy airplanes, too,
if you wouldn't
be afraid to fly.
Schultz, I'm not
afraid of flying.
It's just that I find train
traveling more relaxing.
Now, did you pack
everything that I laid out?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Oh.
I think I forgot something.
What was it...
The nose drops, ear
drops or the eye drops?
Why don't you open
the bag and make sure?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sorry to bust in on you like
this, sir, but I just had to...
Thank goodness you're unpacking.
This is certainly no
time to go on vacation.
Hogan, what are
you talking about?
You know what
I'm talking about...
Colonel Krueger and
his Gestapo hatchet man.
I was pretty sure you
saw the same thing I saw.
What is it you saw?
The same thing you saw.
You did see it, didn't you?
If you saw it, I saw it.
What was it we were seeing?
The nods and winks
between Krueger and Nikolas.
Those two are up to something.
We both saw that.
Hogan, I...
Now that you're
going to be staying on,
they'll have to call
off their little scheme.
What scheme?
Colonel Krueger's
after your command.
Well, you knew that.
Hogan, that's ridiculous.
Oh? Then why'd you
cancel your leave?
Because I...
Who said I canceled my leave?
That's the only
way to stop them.
What makes my blood
boil is that they had the gall
to plot against you
in your own office.
Schultz, get that luggage
unpacked on the double.
Jawohl, Colonel.
Achtung, Schultz.
Oh, no, no, Herr
Kommandant, not "Achtung."
"Achtung" is too late.
What you want to say is "Good
afternoon, Sergeant Schultz."
It's almost 3:30.
Suddenly, I'm
surrounded by two lunatics.
Not lunatics, sir.
I'd call Krueger
and Nikolas fanatics.
I was talking about
you and Schultz.
Oh, swell.
That's the gratitude I get?
I try to help.
What thanks do I get?
Oh, I do thank you, Hogan.
I thank you for
trying to ruin a trip
that I've planned all last year.
I thank you for trying
to make me suspicious
of a loyal comrade.
I thank you for trying to turn
one of my own men against me!
Schultz, you fathead!
Pack, don't unpack.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
He wasn't about
to cancel his leave.
He just laughed at the idea
of Krueger taking over here.
Yeah, well, the laugh's on him,
although it's no
laughing matter.
Yeah, the Gestapo have a way
of taking all the
fun out of prison life.
Guess that means we'll be going
out of the espionage business
for awhile, won't we, sir?
I don't know.
Krueger could just be
a very good fighter pilot
with no brains at
all for this command.
Yeah, that still makes
him smarter than Klink.
And the Gestapo
is supporting him.
If we could discredit Krueger...
takes care of the
plan right there.
All clear, Kinch.
Colonel, I finally got
through to London.
They send their warmest thanks
and these instructions.
Instructions?
I told them about
the enemy attack.
What more do they want?
Huh?
Are they out of their
ever-loving minds?
This is crazy.
It's insane.
Absolutely insane.
There's no way.
Some nut had to
come up with this one.
Good news, sir?
The Allied forces need a little
time to bring up fresh troops
to launch a surprise
counteroffensive
against the German
surprise counterattack.
What's that got to do with us?
They want us to keep those
SS troops pinned down here
for at least two more days.
We're supposed to keep
10,000 men pinned down?!
Did they say how we'd do that?
There's only one way...
we surround them.
Now, I don't know...
We got so much going
in our favor as it is.
You see, we're a
small group, first of all,
and we have the added advantage
of being unarmed.
I'd say we try direct charge.
Good plan, Newkirk.
They'd never expect
a surprise attack
from five unarmed men.
So right there we've got
the element of
surprise going for us.
They don't really expect
us to delay that division,
do they, Colonel?
Not unless you got
this message wrong.
I thought it might
be a mistake, too,
so I asked them to repeat it.
Five times I asked
them to repeat it.
I'd say they definitely expect
us to delay that division.
How?
We don't even have any guns.
Carter, if we had guns
there'd be no trick to
it at all, would there?
We'd just sneak up
behind them 10,000 men,
we'd say, "All right,
this is a stick-up.
Don't anybody
move for three days."
If this is an example
of London's warmest thanks,
we better not send them
any more enemy information.
They've given us tough
assignments before
and we've always been able to
think of a way to get them done.
They probably just assume
that we're going to
do it the same way
with this little problem.
Well, five men cannot
hold off a division.
Right.
It's ridiculous.
Right.
Just can't be done.
Right.
And here's how
we're going to do it.
Escape!
What escape?!
I went to Barrack One
for morning roll call...
and the men were gone.
How many men?
All 15 of them.
What's happening, Kinch?
Is Krueger calling out the
Sixth SS to help in the search?
Nikolas is all for it,
but Krueger wants
to handle it himself.
Here you are, boys,
our own private
entrance to the camp.
All right, fellows, let's go.
Hi.
Here we go.
Move all the way
back there, huh?
Plenty of room for everybody.
Can you fill us in
on just what we're doing, sir?
Yeah, we have orders
to keep the Sixth SS
Division from moving out.
We're hoping Colonel
Krueger gets them
to help track down all
the escaped prisoners.
What escaped prisoners are
you talking about, Colonel?
I'm talking about you 15
men from Barracks One.
My cooperation just ended.
I don't like being
a prisoner of war,
but I'm a lot safer
inside than I am outside.
Colonel, they'd nail us
before we got ten feet.
And them SS boys, they're
a trigger-happy bunch.
Let me explain something.
Nobody's stepping
foot outside this camp.
That way you won't
be taking any chances.
We're escaped prisoners,
but we never leave
the prison, right?
That's right, we're going to
hide you here in the tunnel.
All right, let's move out.
Come on, fellows,
make room for him.
One more in there...
Plenty of room.
When he was captured,
did they have to quiet him
down with a crack on the head
or anything like that?
I imagine he put up a
bit of a struggle, yes.
Something bothering
you, Sergeant?
Well, it's this escape idea.
Does it make any sense to you?
Frankly, I think it's one
of the Colonel's
more brilliant plans.
Uh-huh...
You took a couple of good ones
in the old noggin
yourself, didn't you?
I will not have
escaped prisoners
sabotaging the
German war effort.
I will have to call in
the Sixth SS Division.
That will not be
necessary, Colonel.
My men will capture
the prisoners.
Your men are the ones
who let them get
away in the first place.
Surely you don't think
that this escape is my fault?
Bah.
But obviously they
have been planning it
for some time...
Right under the
nose of Colonel Klink.
But they escaped under yours,
so you can't really pin
this on anybody's nose
except your own!
Sergeant!
J-j-jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Shall I call the
prisoners to attention?
No, Sergeant.
I would like you
to kick in the door
and we'll see what
they may be up to.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Didn't you hear the Kommandant?!
Kick in the door!
Nobody move or I will...
They're gone, too.
Where are they?
They must have escaped.
They couldn't have.
Why not?
This seems to be the day for it.
If they have escaped,
they cannot be far from here.
So you will organize
a search party
and go after them.
Yes, sir!
But I have already
a search party
out looking for the men
from Barrack Number One.
So organize a
second search party.
Yes, Colonel.
If this keeps up,
we won't have any men
left to guard the prisoners.
If this keeps up, Sergeant,
you won't have any
prisoners left to guard.
Yes, Colonel.
May I use your office
phone, Colonel Krueger?
If you think you
are going to call
the Sixth SS Division to help...
That's exactly
what I think I'll do.
All right now, fellows,
Colonel Hogan wants
you men to feel free to do
anything you feel like doing.
A couple of things you can't do:
Uh, no smoking and
no moving around.
You know, no unnecessary
noises like talk and stuff like that.
Just what can we do?
Well, I would suggest you find
a nice, comfortable spot
and sack out for awhile.
I just left a comfortable spot
where I was sacked out.
How long are we
going to be stuck
in this Black Hole of Calcutta?
Only a very short time...
One or two days at the most.
Well, how are we fixed for chow?
Oh, well, now, you're going
to be eating the very best.
You see, our chef
here, Corporal LeBeau,
has an access to
the officers' mess.
So we have a ready supply...
Not anymore.
They had all the locks changed.
Does that mean there
ain't no chow for us?
You'll be fed, Corporal.
We don't have a lot of food,
but with a little imagination
I can make a very nice dinner.
What about breakfast and lunch?
I imagine that's what
I'll be making it with.
Oh, hey, come on, fellows,
just hold it down now.
You want the
Germans to catch you?
No, I want them to rescue us.
What kind of soldiers are you?
You're not thinking
of the thousands of
lives you can save!
You only care about
eating and sleeping!
Have you forgotten
we're fighting a war
and why we're fighting it?!
Okay, Frenchy,
before you break
into the "Marseillay."
"Marseillaise."
All right, you've
made your point.
I guess I can stand to be
a caveman for a few days.
That goes for the
rest of you guys, too.
Hey, come on, move
on back down there.
Get closer.
Make room for the fugitives
from Barracks Three!
Oh, good morning, Colonel Klink.
Good morning, Bruno.
Just came down to check
where I start with
Fraulein Baermann.
I mean, about my
skiing lessons, of course.
That's marvelous.
Oh, Colonel, it's
wonderful to see a man
who faces death
seven days a week
and still has a sense of humor.
I guess maybe that is
the way all heroes are.
Oh, Bruno, I'm a far
cry from being a hero.
I believe the Colonel forgets
that little slip of the
tongue last night.
"Slip of the tongue," huh?
About the three medals
personally presented
by the Führer himself.
I didn't, did I?
Yes, you did.
"Killer Klink."
Not my nickname, too?
Oh, but do not worry, Colonel,
I haven't said a
word to anyone else.
Your secret is safe with me.
Ah, that's good.
Thank you, Bruno.
Well, I'm here to forget
all about the war for awhile.
I'm sick and tired of
fighting and bloodshed.
For the next two weeks
it's death takes a holiday.
Oh, I meant to
tell you, Colonel.
General Burkhalter
is very anxious...
He didn't call again, did he?
Well, I'm still not in.
The next time he calls,
I'm in, but I've just gone out.
But, Colonel, I think
you had better...
No, no, no, no...
I do not want to talk to him.
He's probably
found out something
about some paperwork
I've done wrong
and that'll give him a chance
to yell at someone
for an hour or two.
You know something, Bruno?
Fat men are
supposed to be jolly.
General Burkhalter is
just a nasty old tub of lard.
Colonel...
And the next time
he phones, I'm out.
He didn't call this time.
He didn't?
Well, if he didn't, he
probably telegraphed,
and if he didn't telegraph,
he's probably standing
right behind me.
Oh! What a wonderful
surprise, General Burkhalter.
I knew you were
here all the time.
I bet you're ready
to blow your lard...
I mean...
You know I was only
kidding, don't you?
Of course you were.
And I want you to know
I haven't laughed
like this in years.
Yes, sir, as I said before,
it's a wonderful surprise.
Are you here for
any special reason?
Yes, I am, Klink.
Since you were obviously
ducking my phone calls,
I decided to see you personally.
Ducking your phone calls, sir?
Bruno, why didn't you tell me
General Burkhalter was...
Klink!
I heard everything you said.
Yes, sir.
Now, you know I
was only kidding.
It was all said in very good fun
and I hope you
took it in the spirit
that it was intended to.
After all, I would
be the last man to...
Shut up, Klink.
Yes, sir.
Let us go to your room.
I will do the talking
while you do the packing.
Yes, sir, that's fine.
You do the talking...
Did you say "packing"?
That's right, "Killer."
What you said
is absolutely true.
I really am a nasty
old tub of lard.
Yes, sir, I know the Sixth
Division has been tied up
for three days.
Yes, sir, it is a problem.
However, I'm sure you'll agree
that no one's really
to blame for it...
That's exactly what
I was saying, sir...
No one's really to
blame for it but me.
Tell Marshal
Goering I said hello.
Klink, this is a
private conversation.
I'm sorry, I only wanted
to pay my respects.
Yes, sir, you're
absolutely right, sir.
It is my problem
and I will personally
take care of it at once.
Yes, sir, it is as good as done.
Nice talking to you again.
Please give Mrs. Goering my...
Swine.
Is something wrong, sir?
Marshall Goering
has issued an order
that all of the
escaped prisoners
are to be found by
tomorrow morning.
Well, General Burkhalter,
do you think it can be done?
I don't see how...
But this is your
problem, not mine.
My problem?
It was your problem a moment ago
when you spoke to
Field Marshal Goering.
Yes, it was.
But luckily, I'm not talking
to Marshal Goering now.
I am talking to Colonel Klink!
A man with a very big
problem on his hands.
Sorry to barge in
on you, Colonel,
but this is terribly
important. Hi, General.
I want to ask you, sir...
No, I want to beg you...
Not to be too tough
on those poor, misguided men.
What men?
The 30 escaped prisoners.
It was an obvious case of
mass temporary insanity.
You will let them off
easy, won't you, sir?
You know where they are?
No, sir, but once they hear that
Colonel Klink's back in charge,
naturally they'll
turn themselves in.
Why would they do a
crazy thing like that?
It would be crazy not to.
They know Colonel
Klink won't sleep
until he catches
every last one of them.
And he's awfully mean
when he doesn't sleep.
I think you are the one
with the temporary
insanity, Hogan.
If the entire Sixth
Division couldn't find them,
how is this, uh...
Herr Kommandant, it is them.
All the escaped prisoners
are back in the barracks.
They got here sooner
than I expected, sir.
I hope you'll find it in your
heart, sir, to be lenient.
I will, Hogan.
I also hope you find
it in your heart, sir,
to give us some of the
supplies we're running short on.
We'll talk about
that some other time.
It's perfectly all right, sir.
I've made out a list.
If you'll just okay it,
I'm quite sure Sergeant Schultz
can run it over to supply.
Oh, you don't have a pen.
Here...
Use mine.
Oh, please, Fraulein,
not Herr Brockman.
Call me Horst.
Really, Horst, I think
I've had enough wine.
My face is getting
red as a beet.
Such a becoming color
for such a lovely face.
You artists really
have a way with words.
Mm-hmm.
It must be very exciting
being a foreign correspondent.
Very dangerous, too.
Not nearly as dangerous
as your brother's job.
Takes a real man
to be an SS officer.
His division's right in the
middle of the fighting, isn't it?
It was.
They've been pulled back
from the Russian front to...
The rest is a military
secret, I'm afraid.
Better we not
talk about it, then.
You never know who
might be listening.
I propose a toast.
To what are we toasting?
To your brother's division,
the glorious 12th SS.
Sixth SS.
To the glorious Sixth SS.
May their victories
at the Russian front
be equal to their
new victories in Sicily.
North Africa.
They're regrouping at Stuttgart,
then they're off for a surprise
counterattack at Tobruk.
It will be quite a surprise.
The Allies would never
expect such a move.
To a glorious victory.
Oh, gracious.
With such enchanting
company, I completely forgot.
I have to catch a
plane in a half an hour.
But Horst, couldn't
you take a later plane?
If only I could,
but I have an assignment
of the greatest urgency.
One more glass of
wine before you go?
Best I keep my head clear.
You know, I never did
get your name or address.
Audrey St. Laurence.
Special Operations
Intelligence, London, England.
Are you sure you wormed
enough information
out of me, Colonel Hogan?
Something must have happened.
Colonel Hogan's never
been this late before.
Yeah, it's almost
time for roll call.
He's here.
I could see him making his
way to the edge of the woods.
Schultz coming.
We got to stall him till
Colonel Hogan gets here.
Carter!
Achtung!
Achtung!
What did you say, Schultz?
I said "Achtung!"
Oh.
Your bid, Kinch.
Two of clubs.
When I say "Achtung,"
that means that you all
are to snap to attention.
Oh, is that what it means?
Huh.
I always thought it meant "Good
morning" or "Greetings, mates,"
something like that.
No.
No, "Achtung" is a command.
When I say "Achtung,"
I want you all to come
to attention at once.
I never was sure
what it meant myself.
It always sounded like Schultz
was just clearing his throat.
You say it's a command
for attention, huh?
That's right.
Now that you all know it...
Achtung!
And a good morning
to you, too, Schultz.
Didn't you hear
what Schultz said?
Sure.
He said "Achtung,"
so I said "Good
morning" right back to him.
"Achtung" doesn't
mean "Good morning."
Well, that's what
Newkirk says it means.
And who are we going to
believe, one of us or one of them?
He's got a point there.
Yes, he does.
You better brush up on
your German, Schultz.
Yeah, don't use words
you're not sure of.
In future, to avoid confusion,
why don't you just say
"Good morning" in English.
It wasn't...
Hi, Schultz.
Let us know when it's
time for roll call, will you?
Jawohl, Colonel.
But it is time for roll call!
That's why I'm here
in the first place.
It's almost past
time for roll call.
Boy, you'd never make
sergeant in our air force.
Roll call!
Everybody out,
out, out, out, out.
Roll call!
Raus.
Thank you, and a "Good
day" to you, too, Schultz.
And while I'm on leave,
Colonel Krueger will be
in charge of Stalag 13.
Now let me leave
you with this warning:
while the cat's away,
the mice better not play.
And I will personally deal with
any mouse play around here.
You can depend on my
men to conduct themselves
as they always have, sir.
Colonel Hogan, I will
hold you responsible.
Sergeant Schultz,
dismiss the men.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Achtung.
Now, uh, uh, uh...
I mean, good morning.
I mean... attention.
Colonel Krueger looks
like a lot of
laughs, doesn't he?
Oh, yeah, he's a
regular Huckleberry Finn.
Colonel Hogan, will you
do me a small favor, please?
Sure, Schultz; what is it?
Will you tell your
men not to leave
until I say,
"Prisoners dismissed."
I mean, please, not everybody,
but enough to make me look good.
Well, I don't mind hanging
around when the weather's nice,
but a man could take a nasty
chill on a morning like this.
I think it was pretty
decent of us to stick around
for Colonel Klink's
farewell address.
I believe my men's health
comes before your
personal glory, Schultz.
But Colonel Hogan, I do not
want to make a bad impression
on the new Kommandant.
From the looks of him,
that's the only kind anybody's
going to make on him.
That's not very
nice of you, LeBeau.
Hey.
The colonel and the
Gestapo act like old buddies.
What's up, Schultz?
Are you asking me?
Haven't you learned
that I know nothing,
I see nothing and
I hear nothing?
Morning, gentlemen.
Allow me to, uh...
Hogan, this is a
private conversation.
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
Just wanted to pay my respects
to Colonel Krueger here.
Military courtesy, you know.
Very good of you, Colonel.
You'll find that I'm
more than willing to...
Hogan, this is a
private conversation.
No one can hear
what I'm saying, sir.
This is a private conversation
between Colonel Krueger,
Colonel Nikolas and myself.
Oh, of course, that's
what you said before.
I'm sorry, gentlemen, I
didn't mean to interrupt.
That's what you said before
and all you've done
is interrupt ever since.
Before I leave, I
have a few things
to discuss with Colonel
Krueger... personal matters.
You're welcome to
use the officer's mess
if you'd like, sir.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
I think you'll find it
much more convenient
and more privacy
in Colonel Klink's office.
We don't want to
inconvenience the Kommandant.
Well, you see, I have
a lot of work to do and...
It's no inconvenience at all.
Anything for the
Gestapo, right, Colonel?
Of course I can
always do my work later.
That's most kind
of you, Colonel.
That's nothing.
Glad to do it.
I was addressing the Kommandant.
Hogan!
Try to be nice.
That will be all, Fraulein.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
And one more thing...
Would you make sure
that we are not disturbed?
Jawohl.
You know, Walter, in one week,
Stalag 13 will not look
like the same place.
Except for the Fraulein, I hope.
Now if we can only
convince the High Command
to let the military
fight the war,
let us run the prison camps.
When they see the changes
here, they will be convinced.
So that's what they're up to.
A Gestapo takeover.
Kinch.
Yeah.
Did you radio London
about that surprise attack
the Sixth SS is planning?
Not yet, Colonel...
Too much interference.
The Germans must be jamming.
I like the idea of cutting
food rations in half,
and confiscating their
Red Cross packages
as spoils of war
is really brilliant.
We must think of our
own people, Walter.
They would pay us
anything on the black market
for those packages.
Ah.
I guess we heard enough.
I wish I hadn't heard any of it.
Those two are going to make
a jail out of this prison camp.
Keep trying to get
through to London, Kinch.
With the Gestapo here,
we may have to go off the air
on very short notice.
Right, Colonel.
We've got to keep Klink here.
We can kill this whole thing
if we can get him
to cancel his leave.
Cancel a two-week leave?
No one in his right mind...
You may have a chance at that.
Herr Kommandant, you're
packed and ready to go.
Thank you, Schultz.
Ah, the mountain air will
be beautiful this time of year.
I cannot wait to
get up to the lodge.
Let me see...
The train trip will
take about nine hours.
Would it be not
much quicker to fly?
It takes only an
hour by airplane.
No, Schultz.
Then you miss the
beautiful scenery.
Besides, I enjoy trains.
You would enjoy airplanes, too,
if you wouldn't
be afraid to fly.
Schultz, I'm not
afraid of flying.
It's just that I find train
traveling more relaxing.
Now, did you pack
everything that I laid out?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Oh.
I think I forgot something.
What was it...
The nose drops, ear
drops or the eye drops?
Why don't you open
the bag and make sure?
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Sorry to bust in on you like
this, sir, but I just had to...
Thank goodness you're unpacking.
This is certainly no
time to go on vacation.
Hogan, what are
you talking about?
You know what
I'm talking about...
Colonel Krueger and
his Gestapo hatchet man.
I was pretty sure you
saw the same thing I saw.
What is it you saw?
The same thing you saw.
You did see it, didn't you?
If you saw it, I saw it.
What was it we were seeing?
The nods and winks
between Krueger and Nikolas.
Those two are up to something.
We both saw that.
Hogan, I...
Now that you're
going to be staying on,
they'll have to call
off their little scheme.
What scheme?
Colonel Krueger's
after your command.
Well, you knew that.
Hogan, that's ridiculous.
Oh? Then why'd you
cancel your leave?
Because I...
Who said I canceled my leave?
That's the only
way to stop them.
What makes my blood
boil is that they had the gall
to plot against you
in your own office.
Schultz, get that luggage
unpacked on the double.
Jawohl, Colonel.
Achtung, Schultz.
Oh, no, no, Herr
Kommandant, not "Achtung."
"Achtung" is too late.
What you want to say is "Good
afternoon, Sergeant Schultz."
It's almost 3:30.
Suddenly, I'm
surrounded by two lunatics.
Not lunatics, sir.
I'd call Krueger
and Nikolas fanatics.
I was talking about
you and Schultz.
Oh, swell.
That's the gratitude I get?
I try to help.
What thanks do I get?
Oh, I do thank you, Hogan.
I thank you for
trying to ruin a trip
that I've planned all last year.
I thank you for trying
to make me suspicious
of a loyal comrade.
I thank you for trying to turn
one of my own men against me!
Schultz, you fathead!
Pack, don't unpack.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
He wasn't about
to cancel his leave.
He just laughed at the idea
of Krueger taking over here.
Yeah, well, the laugh's on him,
although it's no
laughing matter.
Yeah, the Gestapo have a way
of taking all the
fun out of prison life.
Guess that means we'll be going
out of the espionage business
for awhile, won't we, sir?
I don't know.
Krueger could just be
a very good fighter pilot
with no brains at
all for this command.
Yeah, that still makes
him smarter than Klink.
And the Gestapo
is supporting him.
If we could discredit Krueger...
takes care of the
plan right there.
All clear, Kinch.
Colonel, I finally got
through to London.
They send their warmest thanks
and these instructions.
Instructions?
I told them about
the enemy attack.
What more do they want?
Huh?
Are they out of their
ever-loving minds?
This is crazy.
It's insane.
Absolutely insane.
There's no way.
Some nut had to
come up with this one.
Good news, sir?
The Allied forces need a little
time to bring up fresh troops
to launch a surprise
counteroffensive
against the German
surprise counterattack.
What's that got to do with us?
They want us to keep those
SS troops pinned down here
for at least two more days.
We're supposed to keep
10,000 men pinned down?!
Did they say how we'd do that?
There's only one way...
we surround them.
Now, I don't know...
We got so much going
in our favor as it is.
You see, we're a
small group, first of all,
and we have the added advantage
of being unarmed.
I'd say we try direct charge.
Good plan, Newkirk.
They'd never expect
a surprise attack
from five unarmed men.
So right there we've got
the element of
surprise going for us.
They don't really expect
us to delay that division,
do they, Colonel?
Not unless you got
this message wrong.
I thought it might
be a mistake, too,
so I asked them to repeat it.
Five times I asked
them to repeat it.
I'd say they definitely expect
us to delay that division.
How?
We don't even have any guns.
Carter, if we had guns
there'd be no trick to
it at all, would there?
We'd just sneak up
behind them 10,000 men,
we'd say, "All right,
this is a stick-up.
Don't anybody
move for three days."
If this is an example
of London's warmest thanks,
we better not send them
any more enemy information.
They've given us tough
assignments before
and we've always been able to
think of a way to get them done.
They probably just assume
that we're going to
do it the same way
with this little problem.
Well, five men cannot
hold off a division.
Right.
It's ridiculous.
Right.
Just can't be done.
Right.
And here's how
we're going to do it.
Escape!
What escape?!
I went to Barrack One
for morning roll call...
and the men were gone.
How many men?
All 15 of them.
What's happening, Kinch?
Is Krueger calling out the
Sixth SS to help in the search?
Nikolas is all for it,
but Krueger wants
to handle it himself.
Here you are, boys,
our own private
entrance to the camp.
All right, fellows, let's go.
Hi.
Here we go.
Move all the way
back there, huh?
Plenty of room for everybody.
Can you fill us in
on just what we're doing, sir?
Yeah, we have orders
to keep the Sixth SS
Division from moving out.
We're hoping Colonel
Krueger gets them
to help track down all
the escaped prisoners.
What escaped prisoners are
you talking about, Colonel?
I'm talking about you 15
men from Barracks One.
My cooperation just ended.
I don't like being
a prisoner of war,
but I'm a lot safer
inside than I am outside.
Colonel, they'd nail us
before we got ten feet.
And them SS boys, they're
a trigger-happy bunch.
Let me explain something.
Nobody's stepping
foot outside this camp.
That way you won't
be taking any chances.
We're escaped prisoners,
but we never leave
the prison, right?
That's right, we're going to
hide you here in the tunnel.
All right, let's move out.
Come on, fellows,
make room for him.
One more in there...
Plenty of room.
When he was captured,
did they have to quiet him
down with a crack on the head
or anything like that?
I imagine he put up a
bit of a struggle, yes.
Something bothering
you, Sergeant?
Well, it's this escape idea.
Does it make any sense to you?
Frankly, I think it's one
of the Colonel's
more brilliant plans.
Uh-huh...
You took a couple of good ones
in the old noggin
yourself, didn't you?
I will not have
escaped prisoners
sabotaging the
German war effort.
I will have to call in
the Sixth SS Division.
That will not be
necessary, Colonel.
My men will capture
the prisoners.
Your men are the ones
who let them get
away in the first place.
Surely you don't think
that this escape is my fault?
Bah.
But obviously they
have been planning it
for some time...
Right under the
nose of Colonel Klink.
But they escaped under yours,
so you can't really pin
this on anybody's nose
except your own!
Sergeant!
J-j-jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Shall I call the
prisoners to attention?
No, Sergeant.
I would like you
to kick in the door
and we'll see what
they may be up to.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Didn't you hear the Kommandant?!
Kick in the door!
Nobody move or I will...
They're gone, too.
Where are they?
They must have escaped.
They couldn't have.
Why not?
This seems to be the day for it.
If they have escaped,
they cannot be far from here.
So you will organize
a search party
and go after them.
Yes, sir!
But I have already
a search party
out looking for the men
from Barrack Number One.
So organize a
second search party.
Yes, Colonel.
If this keeps up,
we won't have any men
left to guard the prisoners.
If this keeps up, Sergeant,
you won't have any
prisoners left to guard.
Yes, Colonel.
May I use your office
phone, Colonel Krueger?
If you think you
are going to call
the Sixth SS Division to help...
That's exactly
what I think I'll do.
All right now, fellows,
Colonel Hogan wants
you men to feel free to do
anything you feel like doing.
A couple of things you can't do:
Uh, no smoking and
no moving around.
You know, no unnecessary
noises like talk and stuff like that.
Just what can we do?
Well, I would suggest you find
a nice, comfortable spot
and sack out for awhile.
I just left a comfortable spot
where I was sacked out.
How long are we
going to be stuck
in this Black Hole of Calcutta?
Only a very short time...
One or two days at the most.
Well, how are we fixed for chow?
Oh, well, now, you're going
to be eating the very best.
You see, our chef
here, Corporal LeBeau,
has an access to
the officers' mess.
So we have a ready supply...
Not anymore.
They had all the locks changed.
Does that mean there
ain't no chow for us?
You'll be fed, Corporal.
We don't have a lot of food,
but with a little imagination
I can make a very nice dinner.
What about breakfast and lunch?
I imagine that's what
I'll be making it with.
Oh, hey, come on, fellows,
just hold it down now.
You want the
Germans to catch you?
No, I want them to rescue us.
What kind of soldiers are you?
You're not thinking
of the thousands of
lives you can save!
You only care about
eating and sleeping!
Have you forgotten
we're fighting a war
and why we're fighting it?!
Okay, Frenchy,
before you break
into the "Marseillay."
"Marseillaise."
All right, you've
made your point.
I guess I can stand to be
a caveman for a few days.
That goes for the
rest of you guys, too.
Hey, come on, move
on back down there.
Get closer.
Make room for the fugitives
from Barracks Three!
Oh, good morning, Colonel Klink.
Good morning, Bruno.
Just came down to check
where I start with
Fraulein Baermann.
I mean, about my
skiing lessons, of course.
That's marvelous.
Oh, Colonel, it's
wonderful to see a man
who faces death
seven days a week
and still has a sense of humor.
I guess maybe that is
the way all heroes are.
Oh, Bruno, I'm a far
cry from being a hero.
I believe the Colonel forgets
that little slip of the
tongue last night.
"Slip of the tongue," huh?
About the three medals
personally presented
by the Führer himself.
I didn't, did I?
Yes, you did.
"Killer Klink."
Not my nickname, too?
Oh, but do not worry, Colonel,
I haven't said a
word to anyone else.
Your secret is safe with me.
Ah, that's good.
Thank you, Bruno.
Well, I'm here to forget
all about the war for awhile.
I'm sick and tired of
fighting and bloodshed.
For the next two weeks
it's death takes a holiday.
Oh, I meant to
tell you, Colonel.
General Burkhalter
is very anxious...
He didn't call again, did he?
Well, I'm still not in.
The next time he calls,
I'm in, but I've just gone out.
But, Colonel, I think
you had better...
No, no, no, no...
I do not want to talk to him.
He's probably
found out something
about some paperwork
I've done wrong
and that'll give him a chance
to yell at someone
for an hour or two.
You know something, Bruno?
Fat men are
supposed to be jolly.
General Burkhalter is
just a nasty old tub of lard.
Colonel...
And the next time
he phones, I'm out.
He didn't call this time.
He didn't?
Well, if he didn't, he
probably telegraphed,
and if he didn't telegraph,
he's probably standing
right behind me.
Oh! What a wonderful
surprise, General Burkhalter.
I knew you were
here all the time.
I bet you're ready
to blow your lard...
I mean...
You know I was only
kidding, don't you?
Of course you were.
And I want you to know
I haven't laughed
like this in years.
Yes, sir, as I said before,
it's a wonderful surprise.
Are you here for
any special reason?
Yes, I am, Klink.
Since you were obviously
ducking my phone calls,
I decided to see you personally.
Ducking your phone calls, sir?
Bruno, why didn't you tell me
General Burkhalter was...
Klink!
I heard everything you said.
Yes, sir.
Now, you know I
was only kidding.
It was all said in very good fun
and I hope you
took it in the spirit
that it was intended to.
After all, I would
be the last man to...
Shut up, Klink.
Yes, sir.
Let us go to your room.
I will do the talking
while you do the packing.
Yes, sir, that's fine.
You do the talking...
Did you say "packing"?
That's right, "Killer."
What you said
is absolutely true.
I really am a nasty
old tub of lard.
Yes, sir, I know the Sixth
Division has been tied up
for three days.
Yes, sir, it is a problem.
However, I'm sure you'll agree
that no one's really
to blame for it...
That's exactly what
I was saying, sir...
No one's really to
blame for it but me.
Tell Marshal
Goering I said hello.
Klink, this is a
private conversation.
I'm sorry, I only wanted
to pay my respects.
Yes, sir, you're
absolutely right, sir.
It is my problem
and I will personally
take care of it at once.
Yes, sir, it is as good as done.
Nice talking to you again.
Please give Mrs. Goering my...
Swine.
Is something wrong, sir?
Marshall Goering
has issued an order
that all of the
escaped prisoners
are to be found by
tomorrow morning.
Well, General Burkhalter,
do you think it can be done?
I don't see how...
But this is your
problem, not mine.
My problem?
It was your problem a moment ago
when you spoke to
Field Marshal Goering.
Yes, it was.
But luckily, I'm not talking
to Marshal Goering now.
I am talking to Colonel Klink!
A man with a very big
problem on his hands.
Sorry to barge in
on you, Colonel,
but this is terribly
important. Hi, General.
I want to ask you, sir...
No, I want to beg you...
Not to be too tough
on those poor, misguided men.
What men?
The 30 escaped prisoners.
It was an obvious case of
mass temporary insanity.
You will let them off
easy, won't you, sir?
You know where they are?
No, sir, but once they hear that
Colonel Klink's back in charge,
naturally they'll
turn themselves in.
Why would they do a
crazy thing like that?
It would be crazy not to.
They know Colonel
Klink won't sleep
until he catches
every last one of them.
And he's awfully mean
when he doesn't sleep.
I think you are the one
with the temporary
insanity, Hogan.
If the entire Sixth
Division couldn't find them,
how is this, uh...
Herr Kommandant, it is them.
All the escaped prisoners
are back in the barracks.
They got here sooner
than I expected, sir.
I hope you'll find it in your
heart, sir, to be lenient.
I will, Hogan.
I also hope you find
it in your heart, sir,
to give us some of the
supplies we're running short on.
We'll talk about
that some other time.
It's perfectly all right, sir.
I've made out a list.
If you'll just okay it,
I'm quite sure Sergeant Schultz
can run it over to supply.
Oh, you don't have a pen.
Here...
Use mine.