Hogan's Heroes (1965–1971): Season 3, Episode 25 - LeBeau and the Little Old Lady - full transcript
LeBeau says that he keeps rendezvousing with a little old lady who is actually young and beautiful.
Why is it me always has
to go on this mission?!
Why do I always
have to risk my life?
And for what?
To give a message to
an old lady who hates me.
Isn't anyone going
to say something?
Gin.
That's not what he
wanted to hear, Carter.
It's not what I
wanted to hear either.
And you're all supposed
to be my buddies.
Ha! I would get more sympathy
from the dirty Boches.
Come on, LeBeau,
it's not our fault
the underground picked
a crotchety little old lady
to run their message center.
But why am I always
the one to go?!
It's your own fault.
You never should
have told everyone
what a mean old goat she is.
Here you are, LeBeau.
Maybe this will help.
What is this?
It's the address of
the chaplain in my unit.
Write to him about
your troubles.
Still here, LeBeau?
He's hoping one
of us'll volunteer
to deliver the message.
Come on, you
know they've all had
their share of
dangerous assignments.
It's not the danger I mind,
but every time I have
to meet that old lady
I get sick to my stomach.
It can't be that bad.
It can't?
Her apartment is over
a German restaurant.
Maybe you'll get lucky today
and pick up a tailwind.
Some pals.
Gin.
You didn't even pick a card.
Right, I got it on the deal.
How many points do
you have in your hand?
Plenty.
Kinch, you're my friend.
Why don't you take my place?
You're talking to a man
on a three-way blitz.
The way his luck is going today,
he'd never make
it out the tunnel.
Why don't you just
deliver your message
to your old lady,
like a good lad?
All right, I'll go.
I hope with all this
you haven't forgotten
the message.
"London advises the
troop train will arrive
at the Weingarten railroad yard
at exactly 4:28 p.m. tomorrow."
Right.
Hey, LeBeau. What?
Her name's "Wilhelmina"?
Yes, why?
Well, that's Dutch, isn't it?
Right.
Would you ask her if it's true
about that little kid that
put his finger in the dike?
Carter, do you think
that's all LeBeau's got to do
is ask her stupid
questions like that?
Thanks, Newkirk.
I want you to ask
that little old lady
about Hans Brinker
and his silver skates.
You're all very amusing.
They make jokes
when they're worried.
Nothing to worry about...
The Boches will never get me.
Look, we know it's a
dangerous assignment,
but if that little
old lady's as bad
as you've told us she is,
it's better that the same
man be the contact.
I guess she's not so terrible.
It's like visiting your
grandmother once a week.
Hello, Wilhelmina.
Hello, LeBeau.
Did you have any trouble
getting by the Gestapo?
No, not much.
Would you like some coffee?
Yes.
I always worry.
It's so dangerous.
But sometime I would think
they would send
one of the other men.
Somehow none of the
other men ever volunteered.
Emergency message
from headquarters.
Bad news?
The Gestapo's got a drive on.
They're picking up agents
from all over the area.
Anyone we know?
Come on, I only
need one card for gin.
I know that, mate.
Well, you're not getting that.
I'd go to my grave
with this, love.
Gin.
Weren't you saving tens?
That's what I
thought you thought.
Just add up your points.
Thirty-five.
That's a three-way blitz!
Should have gone
out with LeBeau.
I don't think so.
Is something wrong, sir?
We just got a radio
message from London.
One of our Resistance units,
Wooden Shoes, got
picked up by the Gestapo.
Yeah, they must have gotten
the information
about Wilhelmina.
They could have picked
her and LeBeau up by now.
He's been gone all day.
And you know he delivers
the message to the old lady
and gets out of that
apartment as fast as he can.
The patrol has just gone
around the corner, LeBeau.
This would be a good
time for you to leave.
But I just got here.
You've been here since morning,
and it's almost dark.
Now, please go.
Oh, there is something
I have to ask you.
What is it?
Is the story true
about a little Dutch boy
who put his finger in a dike?
If I didn't believe that,
I wouldn't be in
the underground.
Now go... you'll
miss your roll call.
Somebody will cover for me.
Unlike the Gestapo,
who stops everybody
for questioning.
I will avoid them.
LeBeau, in a few moments
the restaurant below
starts cooking dinner.
I'll go.
And thank you again.
The information on
the troop movements
means so much to those
who fight for our cause.
I understand.
I like you, Wilhelmina.
And I like you, LeBeau.
Do you like me for myself
or my troop movements?
What do you think?
I don't know about
the rest of you guys,
but I feel like a heel.
After all these weeks
on that assignment,
LeBeau was bound
to be pressing his luck.
I feel rotten, too.
If he'd said Wilhelmina
was a young blonde,
we'd all broken
our backs to go out.
I would've gone to meet
her with a Union Jack
singing "God Save the King."
Look, you've all taken
your share of risks.
Stop feeling guilty.
I'll tell you one thing,
if he ever gets back,
I'll never let him go
see that old crow again.
That goes for me, too.
Sir, you can add
my name to the list.
LeBeau.
LeBeau!
Louis, what have you been doing?
Mon ami, we were
worried about you.
What happened?
What were you
all worried about?!
The Gestapo will never get me!
What are you shouting for?
Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.
You see, I'm so used
to yelling at that old lady.
She's hard of hearing, you know.
You're not going to be
yelling at her any longer.
What do you mean?
The Gestapo picked up
one of the underground units
that she's worked with.
One way or another,
they usually find the radio.
Where are you going?
To save her.
Forget it...
They probably
picked her up already.
But I've got to try. No deal...
The whole town will
be filled with Krauts
looking for the apartment.
But we can't turn our
backs on that old lady.
With her rheumatism, she
couldn't make it down the stairs.
With her bad eyes, she
couldn't see the Gestapo.
And when they told her to halt,
she wouldn't hear them
and they would shoot her.
Well, your getting captured
isn't going to help her,
so forget it.
Nobody leaves
camp... Including you.
Yes, sir.
He's not in any of the tunnels.
I couldn't find
him anywhere, sir.
Neither could I.
You sure you looked everywhere?
Can only mean one thing...
He sneaked out to
help that little old lady.
Yeah, he's a
good-hearted little guy.
Sure, and if he's caught,
he blows our whole operation.
You want us to go
after him, Colonel?
No, the Gestapo are everywhere.
What do we do, sir?
In time of trouble,
there's always one
man I can turn to.
Who's that?
Klink!
Raus, everybody, raus.
Roll call!
Colonel Hogan, roll call.
Everybody, raus.
Forget roll call, Schultz.
Everybody's here but LeBeau.
He's escaped.
I'm not interested in rumors.
I'm telling you,
Schultz, he's gone.
There's no escape
from Stalag 13.
That's an order by
Kommandant Klink.
Now raus!
Raus, everybody!
Okay, Schultz,
have your roll call.
See for yourself.
I see nothing.
Now, raus, raus,
raus, raus, raus.
Come on, mach schnell.
Raus, everybody.
Now, come on, roll call!
What's the matter with you?
Roll call, mach schnell!
Now, everybody, roll call.
Stand at attention,
do you understand?
Okay, Schultz,
have your roll call.
I don't have to...
Everybody's here.
I demand you have a roll call.
I don't have to!
Under the Geneva Convention,
you've got to have
a roll call every day.
All right... Hogan.
Here.
Newkirk. Here!
Carter. Here!
LeBeau... here.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Schultz...
I heard that.
Report!
Herr Kommandant!
All present and accounted for.
Dis... missed!
Dis...
Just a minute, Kommandant,
one of my men is missing.
Missing from what?
Stalag 13... he's escaped.
Schultz, didn't you say
that all men were present
and accounted for?!
Herr Kommandant,
will you take the word
of an irresponsible
American prisoner
or the word of one of
your most trustworthy,
loyal and efficient sergeants?
If you're smart, Schultz,
you'll rephrase the question.
Hogan, which one of
your men is missing?
LeBeau.
Oh, Herr Kommandant,
please do not listen
to him.
LeBeau!
Here.
When I just called LeBeau,
did you say "here"?
Oh, did you call LeBeau,
Herr Kommandant?
I thought you were
calling Schultz.
You just got to face it,
Kommandant, LeBeau has escaped.
Don't use that word
in my presence.
Did you check the
de-lousing station?
Oh, a very good idea,
Herr Kommandant.
Forget it...
You'll never find
him in this camp.
Schultz! Here.
Dummkopf, I know you're here.
Sound the alarm,
release the dogs.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
LeBeau will not
get away with this.
When he is captured,
he will get 60
days in the cooler!
Dis... missed!
Why'd you turn him in, Colonel?
So Klink could capture
him instead of the Gestapo.
Right? Right.
He needs a bloodhound
to find the camp.
He'll never capture LeBeau.
That's why we're
going to help him.
And you mean to tell
me that in two hours
you didn't find a
trace of that prisoner?
Sir, I assure you
I've already taken
some very drastic action.
All right, read me
back that letter.
"To: General Burkhalter.
"Subject: Personnel replacement.
Dear General."
That's as far as you got, sir.
Right.
Dear General, this
is an urgent request
to replace four members
of my camp personnel...
DerWolfgang, Heidi,
Hans and Gerta,
our German shepherd guard dogs.
They have become lazy,
inefficient and vicious.
I thought they were supposed
to be vicious.
Not to me.
Dogs and kids are
great judges of character.
Hogan, I am not amused.
My sense of humor
left with LeBeau.
Dismissed.
My kindest regards
to Frau Burkhalter,
et cetera, et cetera.
Heil Hitler.
Would you like me to send
the daily prisoner
roll call with this, sir?
Not until I recapture the
prisoner who did not escape.
Hogan, I said dismissed.
Okay, I just dropped by
to tell you where
LeBeau's hiding.
The day you tell me where
one of your prisoners is hiding
is the day you send a
birthday gift to Goering.
Ask Hermann who sent
him the girdle last year.
Out! Out! Out!
I just hope the Gestapo
doesn't get into this.
If Major Hochstetter has
to recapture your prisoner,
you'll never hear the end of it.
Why would Major Hochstetter's
men find LeBeau before my men?
His dogs are smarter.
They use Belgian shepherds.
You use German.
The German shepherd dog is
the smartest dog in the world.
They couldn't
find the mess hall,
but I can find LeBeau for you.
Hogan, why are
you being so helpful?
Because I don't want
Major Hochstetter
and the Gestapo to get him.
All right.
Where's the prisoner hiding?
Not so fast.
I knew there was a catch to it.
There's no catch,
just a simple deal.
You take Newkirk,
Carter and me with you
and we'll show you
where to find the prisoner.
You call that a simple deal?
We don't want your
trigger-happy guards
to get him.
And what if I refuse?
Then the Gestapo
picks up LeBeau,
your escape-proof
record is ruined,
loud-mouth Hochstetter
spreads it all over Berlin,
and you're standing
on a corner in Stalingrad
thumbing through a
Russian/German dictionary.
For the last time,
Schultzy, open that door.
You heard him, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan said
we're going downtown.
I do not take any orders
from Colonel Hogan.
Open the door, Schultz.
Jawohl, Colonel.
But, Colonel
Hogan, wait a minute.
Colonel Hogan...
Oh, Commandant Klink.
Never mind, Schultz.
Just get in the car
and start driving.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Schultz!
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Come in, please, Wooden Shoe.
Now will you leave?
I can't.
I told you the Gestapo
has picked him up.
They are sure to
be looking for you.
I must remain here.
My other contact,
Windmill, needs me.
They don't need you dead.
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Come in, please, Wooden Shoe.
There are still no soldiers
around this building.
Come.
I am not going.
If your contacts knew
you were in danger,
they would want you to leave.
Please, LeBeau, you go.
No, if you stay, I stay.
But why would you want to stay?
Don't you know by now?
If you want me to go, I'll go.
All right, Schultz, here it is.
Our deal with Klink
is for you to stay here.
We'll bring him out.
Jawohl, Colonel Hogan.
That poor old lady
died this morning
and this is her replacement.
Sorry to hear that.
We've been had, mates.
Boy, have we been had.
I got to hand it to you, LeBeau.
It's the greatest snow
job since Mount Everest.
Hi, I'm Colonel Hogan.
Hello, I'm Wilhelmina.
Junior.
I guess you probably won't
be needing this ear trumpet.
Nor this shawl and cane.
Throw them out the window.
I don't understand.
You brought that for me?
From LeBeau's description,
we expected a little old lady.
Well, when you're
five-foot-three,
you can't take chances.
Funny, I always thought
you were six-foot-three.
If we don't get out of here,
we'll all be three-foot-six.
Do you have a plan
to get her out, Colonel?
We have to get her to the
flower shop on the Bundesplatz.
The underground will
take her from there.
That's if you can get down
the stairs with your rheumatism.
Newkirk.
Hey, LeBeau, you've known
Wilhelmina the longest,
so you can be the last
to kiss her good-bye
and I shall be the first.
Hold it!
What's the matter, Colonel?
Hochstetter just arrived.
Do you think he
spotted this house?
He should.
He's brought every
tracking device
but an Apache scout.
Who is Hochstetter?
Your friendly neighborhood
Gestapo dealer.
Is he sending his men up?
Not yet.
Klink's giving him a bad time.
Attaboy!
Way to go, Klink!
Let's hear it for
our favorite Kraut!
Maybe we could make it
out the back of the building.
No, we came in
through the front door.
We'll go out through
the front door.
Stand aside, Klink.
My men are going
to search this house.
Major Hochstetter,
that won't be necessary.
The prisoner will be brought out
by my efficient, trusted
and dependable sergeants.
Oh, I didn't know
they sent a
replacement for Schultz.
Oh, they haven't.
Sergeant Schultz is
perfectly capable of taking...
Are those Belgian shepherd dogs?
Of course.
May I ask where you got
them, Major Hochstetter?
Never mind the dogs now, Klink.
There is a radio operator
for the underground
hiding in this house.
Major Hochstetter, the
underground is your problem
and the escaped
prisoner is my problem.
Don't tell me what
is Gestapo business!
Would you mind lowering
your voice, Major?
You're going to bring
the property values down
in the neighborhood.
What is this man doing here?
You see, Major Hochstetter,
the prisoner's here
and my efficient, trusted
and dependable sergeants.
Where?! Where?!
If you would run your
camp properly, Klink,
he would have never
escaped in the first place.
Can you fellas finish
this discussion later?
We're dying to get back to camp.
What is this man doing here?
Major Hochstetter,
I assure you that...
Klink, you have
delayed me long enough.
We are going to
search this building.
For what?
He thinks that there's an
underground contact here.
Oh, we didn't see anybody.
Do you see, I told you so.
What is this man doing here?!
You're shouting again.
Somebody's going to call a cop.
You don't have to take
Colonel Hogan's word, sir.
Ask her.
Excuse me, Fraulein,
but have you seen
anyone suspicious
in this building?
What is it you say, young man?
Speak right in there.
Excuse me, Fraulein,
but did you see
anyone suspicious
in this building?
Jawohl, in the
apartment number five.
Five.
Come!
All right, everyone
into the car.
Just a minute, Colonel.
Hogan, what is it?
Fraulein, may
we give you a lift?
May we give you a lift?
Danke schon.
That would be very nice.
I go to the Bundesplatz.
Oh, it's right on our way.
Hogan, you should not
have invited that old lady.
You can speak up.
She's deaf as a post.
Hogan, you should not
have invited that old lady.
That's not very nice, Colonel.
She's doing her part
for the war effort...
Working at the canteen,
selling doughnuts and coffee,
dancing with the troops.
Hogan, you're impossible.
We better hurry, sir.
I don't want to miss roll call.
You get in first, Newkirk,
and I'll sit on your lap.
Oh, come on, you weigh a ton.
You get in first.
I think we should get in first.
LeBeau's right.
I will decide where you sit.
Newkirk, in.
Carter, on his lap.
Right.
Then Hogan, then LeBeau,
and then this old lady.
Now let's go.
All set back here, Schultz.
Schultz!
Bet you haven't seen
too many prisoners
kissing little old German
ladies, Kommandant.
No.
You know something?
LeBeau is really
quite sentimental.
Mm-hmm.
So am I.
I'm not going to give him
60 days in the cooler.
You're not?
30 days is enough.
Colonel, you've got a heart
as big as the whole Reichstag.
Gin.
Right again.
Hey, good news, LeBeau.
What's that?
Message from London.
The old crow is safe
and sends her love.
Dinner's on me
tonight, gentlemen.
That's the name and address
of the new underground contact.
"Juliana."
Sounds like another doll.
Who wants to volunteer?
Not you, LeBeau.
Newkirk, how about you?
If you don't
mind, sir, I'll pass.
Lightning seldom strikes
twice in the same place.
Carter, you want
to take a chance?
I've always had bad
luck on blind dates, sir.
No, no, not me, sir.
Well, somebody's got to go.
Juliana?
Yeah.
They're never
going to believe me.
Well, well, well.
Hello, Colonel.
Hail, the conquering hero comes.
Well, sir, what was she like?
Do the numbers 38, 26,
36 mean anything to you?
Oh, sure.
Sorry, Colonel, I'm not
going to be fooled again.
I still pass.
Yes, sir,
I'm afraid you're
still stuck with her.
Have to get up pretty early in
the morning to fool you guys.
to go on this mission?!
Why do I always
have to risk my life?
And for what?
To give a message to
an old lady who hates me.
Isn't anyone going
to say something?
Gin.
That's not what he
wanted to hear, Carter.
It's not what I
wanted to hear either.
And you're all supposed
to be my buddies.
Ha! I would get more sympathy
from the dirty Boches.
Come on, LeBeau,
it's not our fault
the underground picked
a crotchety little old lady
to run their message center.
But why am I always
the one to go?!
It's your own fault.
You never should
have told everyone
what a mean old goat she is.
Here you are, LeBeau.
Maybe this will help.
What is this?
It's the address of
the chaplain in my unit.
Write to him about
your troubles.
Still here, LeBeau?
He's hoping one
of us'll volunteer
to deliver the message.
Come on, you
know they've all had
their share of
dangerous assignments.
It's not the danger I mind,
but every time I have
to meet that old lady
I get sick to my stomach.
It can't be that bad.
It can't?
Her apartment is over
a German restaurant.
Maybe you'll get lucky today
and pick up a tailwind.
Some pals.
Gin.
You didn't even pick a card.
Right, I got it on the deal.
How many points do
you have in your hand?
Plenty.
Kinch, you're my friend.
Why don't you take my place?
You're talking to a man
on a three-way blitz.
The way his luck is going today,
he'd never make
it out the tunnel.
Why don't you just
deliver your message
to your old lady,
like a good lad?
All right, I'll go.
I hope with all this
you haven't forgotten
the message.
"London advises the
troop train will arrive
at the Weingarten railroad yard
at exactly 4:28 p.m. tomorrow."
Right.
Hey, LeBeau. What?
Her name's "Wilhelmina"?
Yes, why?
Well, that's Dutch, isn't it?
Right.
Would you ask her if it's true
about that little kid that
put his finger in the dike?
Carter, do you think
that's all LeBeau's got to do
is ask her stupid
questions like that?
Thanks, Newkirk.
I want you to ask
that little old lady
about Hans Brinker
and his silver skates.
You're all very amusing.
They make jokes
when they're worried.
Nothing to worry about...
The Boches will never get me.
Look, we know it's a
dangerous assignment,
but if that little
old lady's as bad
as you've told us she is,
it's better that the same
man be the contact.
I guess she's not so terrible.
It's like visiting your
grandmother once a week.
Hello, Wilhelmina.
Hello, LeBeau.
Did you have any trouble
getting by the Gestapo?
No, not much.
Would you like some coffee?
Yes.
I always worry.
It's so dangerous.
But sometime I would think
they would send
one of the other men.
Somehow none of the
other men ever volunteered.
Emergency message
from headquarters.
Bad news?
The Gestapo's got a drive on.
They're picking up agents
from all over the area.
Anyone we know?
Come on, I only
need one card for gin.
I know that, mate.
Well, you're not getting that.
I'd go to my grave
with this, love.
Gin.
Weren't you saving tens?
That's what I
thought you thought.
Just add up your points.
Thirty-five.
That's a three-way blitz!
Should have gone
out with LeBeau.
I don't think so.
Is something wrong, sir?
We just got a radio
message from London.
One of our Resistance units,
Wooden Shoes, got
picked up by the Gestapo.
Yeah, they must have gotten
the information
about Wilhelmina.
They could have picked
her and LeBeau up by now.
He's been gone all day.
And you know he delivers
the message to the old lady
and gets out of that
apartment as fast as he can.
The patrol has just gone
around the corner, LeBeau.
This would be a good
time for you to leave.
But I just got here.
You've been here since morning,
and it's almost dark.
Now, please go.
Oh, there is something
I have to ask you.
What is it?
Is the story true
about a little Dutch boy
who put his finger in a dike?
If I didn't believe that,
I wouldn't be in
the underground.
Now go... you'll
miss your roll call.
Somebody will cover for me.
Unlike the Gestapo,
who stops everybody
for questioning.
I will avoid them.
LeBeau, in a few moments
the restaurant below
starts cooking dinner.
I'll go.
And thank you again.
The information on
the troop movements
means so much to those
who fight for our cause.
I understand.
I like you, Wilhelmina.
And I like you, LeBeau.
Do you like me for myself
or my troop movements?
What do you think?
I don't know about
the rest of you guys,
but I feel like a heel.
After all these weeks
on that assignment,
LeBeau was bound
to be pressing his luck.
I feel rotten, too.
If he'd said Wilhelmina
was a young blonde,
we'd all broken
our backs to go out.
I would've gone to meet
her with a Union Jack
singing "God Save the King."
Look, you've all taken
your share of risks.
Stop feeling guilty.
I'll tell you one thing,
if he ever gets back,
I'll never let him go
see that old crow again.
That goes for me, too.
Sir, you can add
my name to the list.
LeBeau.
LeBeau!
Louis, what have you been doing?
Mon ami, we were
worried about you.
What happened?
What were you
all worried about?!
The Gestapo will never get me!
What are you shouting for?
Oh, I'm sorry, Colonel.
You see, I'm so used
to yelling at that old lady.
She's hard of hearing, you know.
You're not going to be
yelling at her any longer.
What do you mean?
The Gestapo picked up
one of the underground units
that she's worked with.
One way or another,
they usually find the radio.
Where are you going?
To save her.
Forget it...
They probably
picked her up already.
But I've got to try. No deal...
The whole town will
be filled with Krauts
looking for the apartment.
But we can't turn our
backs on that old lady.
With her rheumatism, she
couldn't make it down the stairs.
With her bad eyes, she
couldn't see the Gestapo.
And when they told her to halt,
she wouldn't hear them
and they would shoot her.
Well, your getting captured
isn't going to help her,
so forget it.
Nobody leaves
camp... Including you.
Yes, sir.
He's not in any of the tunnels.
I couldn't find
him anywhere, sir.
Neither could I.
You sure you looked everywhere?
Can only mean one thing...
He sneaked out to
help that little old lady.
Yeah, he's a
good-hearted little guy.
Sure, and if he's caught,
he blows our whole operation.
You want us to go
after him, Colonel?
No, the Gestapo are everywhere.
What do we do, sir?
In time of trouble,
there's always one
man I can turn to.
Who's that?
Klink!
Raus, everybody, raus.
Roll call!
Colonel Hogan, roll call.
Everybody, raus.
Forget roll call, Schultz.
Everybody's here but LeBeau.
He's escaped.
I'm not interested in rumors.
I'm telling you,
Schultz, he's gone.
There's no escape
from Stalag 13.
That's an order by
Kommandant Klink.
Now raus!
Raus, everybody!
Okay, Schultz,
have your roll call.
See for yourself.
I see nothing.
Now, raus, raus,
raus, raus, raus.
Come on, mach schnell.
Raus, everybody.
Now, come on, roll call!
What's the matter with you?
Roll call, mach schnell!
Now, everybody, roll call.
Stand at attention,
do you understand?
Okay, Schultz,
have your roll call.
I don't have to...
Everybody's here.
I demand you have a roll call.
I don't have to!
Under the Geneva Convention,
you've got to have
a roll call every day.
All right... Hogan.
Here.
Newkirk. Here!
Carter. Here!
LeBeau... here.
Okay.
Wait a minute, Schultz...
I heard that.
Report!
Herr Kommandant!
All present and accounted for.
Dis... missed!
Dis...
Just a minute, Kommandant,
one of my men is missing.
Missing from what?
Stalag 13... he's escaped.
Schultz, didn't you say
that all men were present
and accounted for?!
Herr Kommandant,
will you take the word
of an irresponsible
American prisoner
or the word of one of
your most trustworthy,
loyal and efficient sergeants?
If you're smart, Schultz,
you'll rephrase the question.
Hogan, which one of
your men is missing?
LeBeau.
Oh, Herr Kommandant,
please do not listen
to him.
LeBeau!
Here.
When I just called LeBeau,
did you say "here"?
Oh, did you call LeBeau,
Herr Kommandant?
I thought you were
calling Schultz.
You just got to face it,
Kommandant, LeBeau has escaped.
Don't use that word
in my presence.
Did you check the
de-lousing station?
Oh, a very good idea,
Herr Kommandant.
Forget it...
You'll never find
him in this camp.
Schultz! Here.
Dummkopf, I know you're here.
Sound the alarm,
release the dogs.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
LeBeau will not
get away with this.
When he is captured,
he will get 60
days in the cooler!
Dis... missed!
Why'd you turn him in, Colonel?
So Klink could capture
him instead of the Gestapo.
Right? Right.
He needs a bloodhound
to find the camp.
He'll never capture LeBeau.
That's why we're
going to help him.
And you mean to tell
me that in two hours
you didn't find a
trace of that prisoner?
Sir, I assure you
I've already taken
some very drastic action.
All right, read me
back that letter.
"To: General Burkhalter.
"Subject: Personnel replacement.
Dear General."
That's as far as you got, sir.
Right.
Dear General, this
is an urgent request
to replace four members
of my camp personnel...
DerWolfgang, Heidi,
Hans and Gerta,
our German shepherd guard dogs.
They have become lazy,
inefficient and vicious.
I thought they were supposed
to be vicious.
Not to me.
Dogs and kids are
great judges of character.
Hogan, I am not amused.
My sense of humor
left with LeBeau.
Dismissed.
My kindest regards
to Frau Burkhalter,
et cetera, et cetera.
Heil Hitler.
Would you like me to send
the daily prisoner
roll call with this, sir?
Not until I recapture the
prisoner who did not escape.
Hogan, I said dismissed.
Okay, I just dropped by
to tell you where
LeBeau's hiding.
The day you tell me where
one of your prisoners is hiding
is the day you send a
birthday gift to Goering.
Ask Hermann who sent
him the girdle last year.
Out! Out! Out!
I just hope the Gestapo
doesn't get into this.
If Major Hochstetter has
to recapture your prisoner,
you'll never hear the end of it.
Why would Major Hochstetter's
men find LeBeau before my men?
His dogs are smarter.
They use Belgian shepherds.
You use German.
The German shepherd dog is
the smartest dog in the world.
They couldn't
find the mess hall,
but I can find LeBeau for you.
Hogan, why are
you being so helpful?
Because I don't want
Major Hochstetter
and the Gestapo to get him.
All right.
Where's the prisoner hiding?
Not so fast.
I knew there was a catch to it.
There's no catch,
just a simple deal.
You take Newkirk,
Carter and me with you
and we'll show you
where to find the prisoner.
You call that a simple deal?
We don't want your
trigger-happy guards
to get him.
And what if I refuse?
Then the Gestapo
picks up LeBeau,
your escape-proof
record is ruined,
loud-mouth Hochstetter
spreads it all over Berlin,
and you're standing
on a corner in Stalingrad
thumbing through a
Russian/German dictionary.
For the last time,
Schultzy, open that door.
You heard him, Schultz.
Colonel Hogan said
we're going downtown.
I do not take any orders
from Colonel Hogan.
Open the door, Schultz.
Jawohl, Colonel.
But, Colonel
Hogan, wait a minute.
Colonel Hogan...
Oh, Commandant Klink.
Never mind, Schultz.
Just get in the car
and start driving.
Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Schultz!
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Come in, please, Wooden Shoe.
Now will you leave?
I can't.
I told you the Gestapo
has picked him up.
They are sure to
be looking for you.
I must remain here.
My other contact,
Windmill, needs me.
They don't need you dead.
Wilhelmina calling Wooden Shoe.
Come in, please, Wooden Shoe.
There are still no soldiers
around this building.
Come.
I am not going.
If your contacts knew
you were in danger,
they would want you to leave.
Please, LeBeau, you go.
No, if you stay, I stay.
But why would you want to stay?
Don't you know by now?
If you want me to go, I'll go.
All right, Schultz, here it is.
Our deal with Klink
is for you to stay here.
We'll bring him out.
Jawohl, Colonel Hogan.
That poor old lady
died this morning
and this is her replacement.
Sorry to hear that.
We've been had, mates.
Boy, have we been had.
I got to hand it to you, LeBeau.
It's the greatest snow
job since Mount Everest.
Hi, I'm Colonel Hogan.
Hello, I'm Wilhelmina.
Junior.
I guess you probably won't
be needing this ear trumpet.
Nor this shawl and cane.
Throw them out the window.
I don't understand.
You brought that for me?
From LeBeau's description,
we expected a little old lady.
Well, when you're
five-foot-three,
you can't take chances.
Funny, I always thought
you were six-foot-three.
If we don't get out of here,
we'll all be three-foot-six.
Do you have a plan
to get her out, Colonel?
We have to get her to the
flower shop on the Bundesplatz.
The underground will
take her from there.
That's if you can get down
the stairs with your rheumatism.
Newkirk.
Hey, LeBeau, you've known
Wilhelmina the longest,
so you can be the last
to kiss her good-bye
and I shall be the first.
Hold it!
What's the matter, Colonel?
Hochstetter just arrived.
Do you think he
spotted this house?
He should.
He's brought every
tracking device
but an Apache scout.
Who is Hochstetter?
Your friendly neighborhood
Gestapo dealer.
Is he sending his men up?
Not yet.
Klink's giving him a bad time.
Attaboy!
Way to go, Klink!
Let's hear it for
our favorite Kraut!
Maybe we could make it
out the back of the building.
No, we came in
through the front door.
We'll go out through
the front door.
Stand aside, Klink.
My men are going
to search this house.
Major Hochstetter,
that won't be necessary.
The prisoner will be brought out
by my efficient, trusted
and dependable sergeants.
Oh, I didn't know
they sent a
replacement for Schultz.
Oh, they haven't.
Sergeant Schultz is
perfectly capable of taking...
Are those Belgian shepherd dogs?
Of course.
May I ask where you got
them, Major Hochstetter?
Never mind the dogs now, Klink.
There is a radio operator
for the underground
hiding in this house.
Major Hochstetter, the
underground is your problem
and the escaped
prisoner is my problem.
Don't tell me what
is Gestapo business!
Would you mind lowering
your voice, Major?
You're going to bring
the property values down
in the neighborhood.
What is this man doing here?
You see, Major Hochstetter,
the prisoner's here
and my efficient, trusted
and dependable sergeants.
Where?! Where?!
If you would run your
camp properly, Klink,
he would have never
escaped in the first place.
Can you fellas finish
this discussion later?
We're dying to get back to camp.
What is this man doing here?
Major Hochstetter,
I assure you that...
Klink, you have
delayed me long enough.
We are going to
search this building.
For what?
He thinks that there's an
underground contact here.
Oh, we didn't see anybody.
Do you see, I told you so.
What is this man doing here?!
You're shouting again.
Somebody's going to call a cop.
You don't have to take
Colonel Hogan's word, sir.
Ask her.
Excuse me, Fraulein,
but have you seen
anyone suspicious
in this building?
What is it you say, young man?
Speak right in there.
Excuse me, Fraulein,
but did you see
anyone suspicious
in this building?
Jawohl, in the
apartment number five.
Five.
Come!
All right, everyone
into the car.
Just a minute, Colonel.
Hogan, what is it?
Fraulein, may
we give you a lift?
May we give you a lift?
Danke schon.
That would be very nice.
I go to the Bundesplatz.
Oh, it's right on our way.
Hogan, you should not
have invited that old lady.
You can speak up.
She's deaf as a post.
Hogan, you should not
have invited that old lady.
That's not very nice, Colonel.
She's doing her part
for the war effort...
Working at the canteen,
selling doughnuts and coffee,
dancing with the troops.
Hogan, you're impossible.
We better hurry, sir.
I don't want to miss roll call.
You get in first, Newkirk,
and I'll sit on your lap.
Oh, come on, you weigh a ton.
You get in first.
I think we should get in first.
LeBeau's right.
I will decide where you sit.
Newkirk, in.
Carter, on his lap.
Right.
Then Hogan, then LeBeau,
and then this old lady.
Now let's go.
All set back here, Schultz.
Schultz!
Bet you haven't seen
too many prisoners
kissing little old German
ladies, Kommandant.
No.
You know something?
LeBeau is really
quite sentimental.
Mm-hmm.
So am I.
I'm not going to give him
60 days in the cooler.
You're not?
30 days is enough.
Colonel, you've got a heart
as big as the whole Reichstag.
Gin.
Right again.
Hey, good news, LeBeau.
What's that?
Message from London.
The old crow is safe
and sends her love.
Dinner's on me
tonight, gentlemen.
That's the name and address
of the new underground contact.
"Juliana."
Sounds like another doll.
Who wants to volunteer?
Not you, LeBeau.
Newkirk, how about you?
If you don't
mind, sir, I'll pass.
Lightning seldom strikes
twice in the same place.
Carter, you want
to take a chance?
I've always had bad
luck on blind dates, sir.
No, no, not me, sir.
Well, somebody's got to go.
Juliana?
Yeah.
They're never
going to believe me.
Well, well, well.
Hello, Colonel.
Hail, the conquering hero comes.
Well, sir, what was she like?
Do the numbers 38, 26,
36 mean anything to you?
Oh, sure.
Sorry, Colonel, I'm not
going to be fooled again.
I still pass.
Yes, sir,
I'm afraid you're
still stuck with her.
Have to get up pretty early in
the morning to fool you guys.